Scenes From An Ice Floe

by Magnes

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Even my name is a hand-me-down.

Rating: G

Parings: None

Summary: With nothing but time on their hands, Ray and Fraser have a little talk...

Spoilers: Call of the Wild

"Hey, Fraser?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Where the hell are we?"

"We're in Canada."

"Where in Canada?"

"The Northwest Territories."

"We're lost, in other words."

"Not precisely, Ray."

"Frase, trust me. If yer not in one of six places in the Northwest Territories, yer LOST."

"Now that's just silly, Ray."

"It's true."

"There are more than six settlements here."

"Okay. Nine. I just upped the number of non-lost places by fifty percent. But that doesn't matter, 'cause we're not near any of them and therefore, WE ARE LOST."

"You have the most convoluted logic, Ray."

"Thanks."

"According to your logic, we've been lost nine out of the eleven weeks we've been here."

"I'm glad ya agree."

"I'm not agreeing. I'm pointing out that this is the first occurrence that we have not had absolute control over our direction."

"Speakin' of which, what IS our direction?"

"Due south."

"Not that there's any other way to go, I guess. How long 'til we hit the Bahamas?"

"We're... not going to the Bahamas. Given our direction, the first land mass we'll see will be...Canada."

"Frase, I do not want to be hearin' that. I want tropical island paradise. Let's head for Hawaii, then."

"Even if we did somehow manage to reach the Pacific Ocean, I believe our craft would melt prior to our reaching the Hawaiian Islands."

"Craft? Did I just hear ya glorify this chunk of ice with a title?"

"Well, it is buoyant and it is conveying us and the dogs-"

"And almost a polar bear."

"Yes, that debacle manifested at a most fortuitous interlude."

"And the translation from Mountie to cop is...?"

"We're lucky the ice broke when it did."

"I knew that. Why couldn't you just say that?"

"I didn't think of it."

"Not enough syllables per word, huh?"

"Well, I did consid-"

"Dief, go bite him. Right now, boy. Make like he's a donut."

"I don't believe Diefenbaker is going to listen to you, Ray."

"I've got as much chance as you. Go on, boy. Right in the leg. Hey! Do not be licking me, Dief! Stop it! Ugh...frozen wolf drool. Oh, get off!"

"I believe you asked for that, Ray."

"No, I asked him to bite you for usin' words nobody uses outside of Jeopardy."

"I was merely using the applicable terminology for the situation as it presented itself."

"See? There you go again, Mr. Buy-a-vowel!"

"Ray, I can't help my vocabulary. My grandparents were exceedingly literate-"

"Like yer not? 'Fraser, where are we?' 'Why, we're in Canada, Ray.' No kiddin', Magellan!"

"You mean literal, Ray. My grandparents were literate. You consider me literal."

"See? It's genetic!"

"A good vocabulary is acquired, not inherited."

"So what was your dad?"

"A Mountie."

"Ahhh! See? See what I mean?"

"No."

"I'm gonna bite ya myself! Move, wolf!"

"Now, Ray! Control yourself. You'll tip our...craft."

"Ice cube."

"Ice floe."

"I'm never ordering another drink on the rocks as long as I live."

"Yes, you will."

"Seriously. I'm never going to defrost. That permafrost thing you guys got goin' up here? I'm the poster child. 'How'd you spend your vacation?' 'Oh, I was on a cruise to the Northwest Areas-"

"Territories."

"-with my butt frozen to my craft but the craft was smarter than me or my literate Mountie pal because it was migrating south."

"Literal."

"What?"

"Literal Mountie pal."

"My literal Mountie pal that literally drove me off the deep end so now I'm neurotic about ice meltin' in my Coke."

"Now that IS silly, Ray."

"And sittin' on a chunk of ice with a dozen dogs and a Mountie isn't?"

"Well, silly isn't the word I'd use to describe our present situation."

"Okay, then. Lost."

"Challenging."

"Hopeless."

"Epic."

"Desperate."

"Exciting."

"Stupid."

"Adventurous."

"Okay, that I'll grant ya. Adventurous sounds good. Not as good as downright crazy, of course, but it'll do."

"This isn't crazy."

"What is it, then?"

"Alright, it's crazy."

"Toldja."

"Perhaps we should christen our...ship."

"Titanic."

"Hmm...the Argo?"

"Lusitania."

"The Golden Hind."

"Thresher."

"Enterprise."

"Andrea Doria."

"Ray, your choices are singularly grim."

"Just applyin' the terminology reflective of my mood, Fraser."

"We're not going to sink."

"Right. Just turn into copsicles."

"Are you really that cold?"

"How can you be warm?"

"A different metabolism. Here. Wrap the sleeping bag around you. Better?"

"Yeah."

"Diefenbaker, go on the other side of Ray. Don't give me that look, you're the one in the fur coat. Move!"

"Sorry, Dief, stole yer seat."

"Oh, Ray, you are that cold! You should have told me sooner!"

"Yeah, well. Chicago suddenly seems pretty temperate compared to here. Yer not freezing?"
"No."

"I must not have any blood pressure."

"Move closer. The wind's picking up."

"Is that good?"

"Actually, yes. We'll get out of here sooner."

"That's good."

"Ray, look! An aurora!"

"Ah! God, that's gorgeous. I'll never get tired of lookin' at them."

"Nor I."

"Hey, Frase?"

"Yes?"

"Sing for me, will ya?"

"Sing? What would you like to hear?"

"What do you think? How many partnerships come with their own theme song?"

"Ah, just one more time, I want to sail the Northwest Passage,

To see the cold aurora burning in the north again,

With the stars as my guides,

And the wind for my companion,

I will seek the Hand of Franklin o'er the icy main."

"Where'd that come from?"

"I just made it up. It seemed fitting."

"Is there anything you don't do well?"

"What do you mean?"
"Now you're a poet on top of everything else."

"You're a poet, too, Ray."

"Naa. Words an' me...we don't get along."

"There's more to poetry than the written word. I've seen you dance. If that isn't poetry, I don't know what is."

"Me?"
"It's riveting. Mesmerizing."

"In English, not Canadian."

"You're poetry in motion, Ray."

"...oh..."

"I'm sorry. Do I embarrass you? My apolo-"

"N-no! No, Frase. I'm not...I just...never...nobody ever...I mean, you notice things about people they don't even see."

"No one has ever told you how graceful you are?"

"N-no."

"Well, you are. Extremely."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Ray?"
"Yeah?"

"Why do I get the feeling few people have ever complimented you?"

"Most people I've dealt with have been too busy pointin' out my flaws, startin' with my parents and workin' on down."

"That's unfair."

"You're not like most people."

"Thank you. If they can't offer you a simple, honest compliment, I don't want to be like them."

"Huh. Frase, I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world."

"Thank you kindly, Ray."

"I know I complain an' everything and I don't know nothin' 'bout this place, but this is the most fun I've ever had...freezin' my ass off on an ice burg-"

"Ice floe."

"Ice floe. I honestly can't think of any place I'd rather be right now."

"I'm glad."

"Yeah, the Arctic is growin' on me, but I'm thinkin' it's more the company than the locale."

"Ah."

"Dief's really come to mean a lot to me."

"Ray!"

"Ha! Made ya smile!"

"You're incorrigible!"

"And south of the border that means...?"

"You're...bad."

"Bad as in bad or bad as in good?"

"Yes."

"Thanks fer askin' me along. Y'know, I was thinkin' the other night, what if I'd been stupid and said 'no' to comin' along with you on this adventure gig? I'd be stuck in Chicago."

"With Chinese take-out."

"Bored."

"Indoor plumbing."

"Lonely."

"Sports channel."

"No good without yer best friend along to watch."

"Diefenbaker, I'm sure, appreciates your sentiments."

"Yeah, but at least you don't shed on the couch."

"I'm glad you're here, too. I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to make it this far on my own."

"This far north?"

"No. This far period."

"Oh."

"Yes."

"I know I wouldn't have. You're the only person who ever actually took the time to get to know me and still liked me anyway."

"I can almost say the same, but in all fairness I must include Ray Vecchio in that category as well."

"Think he ever figured out what happened to the Riv?"

"We'll know if there's a letter bomb waiting for us in Resolute."

"S'long as he leaves the GTO outta this."

"He'll never notice."

"Frase, we blew up his baby, flambéed it, then dumped into the Lake they call Michigan. Trust me, no matter how well we restored it, he's gonna notice."

"Well...Ray Vecchio will just have to...deal with it."

"Did I just hear correctly?"

"I believe so."

"Can I quote ya?"

"Yes."

"Hey! Vecchio! Deal with it! Benton said so!"

"Ray, why are you yelling?"

"'Cause I can."

"Alright..."

"You humorin' me?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay. Ah! Hey, Frase! Lookit! Blue this time."

"Purple."

"Listen, pal, I may be blind, but I'm not color blind. That aurora is blue."

"Spoken like a cop. Indigo."

"Blue."

"Fine. To keep the border undefended, it's blue."

"Thank you."

...

"Hey, Frase?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"I think I figured out where we are."

"Lost?"

"Naa. We're not lost."

"Where are we?"

"Right here."

"Hmm...I do believe you're correct. And it's purple."

"Fine. It's purple."

"Thank you."

"No...thank you, Ben."