by Chris Lark cql@hopper.unh.edu
and Melissa Ritchings melissar@alberti.unh.edu
RAY'S TOP TEN CONCERNS ABOUT BEING UNDERCOVER
10. Rabid Kowalski fans will try to eliminate him.
9. Nero will poison the buttermilk.
8. Slash writers will go insane without him.
7. Fraser will destroy the Riv again (well, he's right about THAT).
6. He can't pry Fraser and Thatcher apart when they get too close.
5. Some prankster will put super-glue on his fake mustache.
4. Who's gonna stop Fraser from jumping off those 50-foot drops?
3. He'll keep getting stuck in Star Trek: The Experience traffic.
2. He'll wind up in a crossover with T.J. Hooker.
And Ray's number one concern about being undercover:
1. Fraser and Francesca.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A CHICAGO NATIVE LIVING IN CANADA
10.
If you're tracking anything, it's the best pizza joint.
9. You're
always accusing the local senator of murder, conspiracy and
moral
deviance.
8. If there's a State Street in your current city of residence, you
wonder why there's no loop at the north end.
7. You wonder what that oddly coloured money is doing in your wallet.
6. Every airport attendant you see looks like Red Green or Grizzly
Adams.
5. It just blows your mind when your neighbour doesn't have a phone.
4. Every other question you ask is, "Who's The Tragically Hip?"
3.
You keep getting pulled over cos you're driving 88 miles an hour in
an 88-kilometer-an-hour zone.
2. It confuses you that half the forgers in the area forge volcanic
rock.
And the number one sign that you're a Chicago native living in Canada:
1. You open your window just to get a better aim.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY RAY CAN'T GET A DATE
10. He keeps arresting her for assault and battery after the first
night.
9. The first family member she meets is Francesca.
8. Internal Affairs is always after him, so why bother?
7. He keeps playing "Bad Boys" in a continuous loop on the CD deck.
6. Fraser keeps him busy and away from the dates.
5. She's the State's Attorney.
4. He can't get Fraser to build another sweat lodge for him.
3. His favourite show is Miami Vice; hers is North of 60.
2. He met her near the Eskimo pies.
And the number one reason why Ray can't get a date:
1. He always hangs with Fraser. Need I say more?
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THE PRECINCT JANITOR IS A MOB SPY
10. He leaves behind little trails of cement after he sweeps.
9. He keeps asking Kowalski if he's seen God.
8. He can be seen reading "The Last Don" when he's not working.
7.
He goes around muttering "Death to the French is Italy's cry" in
Italian under his breath.
6. His mother's maiden name was Maffia.
5. His favourite episodes of Law & Order are "The Torrents Of Greed",
"Old Friends" and "Faccia a Faccia".
4. A lot of the organised-crime squad's evidence is getting swept away
lately.
3. His last job was with the Department of Public Works.
2. He auditions for stand-in/stunt roles in a Francis Ford Coppola
movie.
And the number one sign that the precinct janitor is a mob spy:
1.
When reporters are interviewing organised-crime informants in the
dark, he keeps walking in on them to empty the trash can.
TOP TEN THINGS KOWALSKI HATES ABOUT IMPERSONATING RAY
10. He's always a target of Internal Affairs
9. He's always getting flamed by Welsh
8. The guy who keeps asking Ray if he's seen God
7. Fraser
6. Fraser
5. Visits from Vecchio Sr.'s ghost
4. He's afraid he'll be ordered to get a crew cut
3. Francesca and her incessant ear-chewing
2. The Riv and its fate
And the number one thing Kowalski hates about impersonating Ray:
1. Fraser
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE SOMEHOW EMPLOYED BY THE CHICAGO P.D.
10. Your biggest dream is to tell one-liners at a comedy club, or...
9. ...to play the drum machine at the aforementioned comedy club.
8. You use phrases like "Sliver me timbers" and "Swat his cubes", rather
than the actual phrases, "SHIVER me timbers" and "Break his..." (you
get
the picture).
7. You are programmed to drink bad coffee.
6. The sight of a cadaver makes you want to launch off into a rendition
of "Ride Of The Valkyries" by Wagner.
5. You first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of your father,
and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, you have
remained attached as liaison with the Canadian consulate.
4. You have owned at least two 1971 green Buick Rivieras, and both have
perished in water or fire, or both.
3. You share names with Donald Duck's nephews.
2. You have the uncontrollable urge to kick someone in the head.
And the number one sign that you're somehow employed by the Chicago
P.D.:
1. Your name is Ray.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE RIV KEEPS GETTING DESTROYED
10. The writers want to try and re-enact the Great Chicago Fire.
9. The Army is sloughing off some old munitions, so they have to go
somewhere.
8. The remainder of the Bolt family uses it for moving-target practise.
7. Ray just wants to see if the explosion will knock Fraser down.
6. It's one of Francesca's various ways of pissing Ray off.
5. Kowalski was really dying to get that GTO.
4. The repo guys are after it.
3. It's just an excuse to break open that ubiquitous crateful of rubber
duckies.
2. So much for the FBI's marker post.
And the number one reason why the Riv keeps getting destroyed:
1.
One word: Fraser.
TURNBULL'S TOP TEN PLACES TO HIDE THE KEYS TO THE CONSULATE
10.
Behind the picture of the Queen, because no one would dare disturb
that holy shrine
9. Amidst his collection of Willie Nelson and Tammy Wynette records
8. In plain sight, because everyone knows that things are least visible
there
7. Inside one of Diefenbaker's jelly doughnuts, which leads to...
6. ...Inside Diefenbaker
5. Behind all the ingredients for his "famous" succotash
4. Dangling from the handle of his prize-winning curling stone
3.
Folded in the pages of his favourite book, "Discipline: Not Just
Whips Anymore"
2. Amidst Thatcher's hidden stash of pictures of Fraser in his red long
johns
And Turnbull's number one place to hide the keys to the consulate:
1. In the space between his ears
FRASER'S TOP TEN CHILDHOOD PASTIMES
10. Teaching tourists to pronounce "Tuktoyaktuk"
9. Boring Inuit kids with their own tales
8. Trying to make a fire out of stones
7. Substituting his grandma's bannocks for Mark Smithbauer's hockey
pucks
6. "Borrowing" Fraser Sr.'s uniform
5. Running with wolf packs
4. Playing Horsey with Gerard
3. Running through the snow in nothing but his bath towel and hat
2. Planning genocide of the sea otters
And Fraser's number one childhood pastime:
1. Reading Dr. Seuss when his grandmother wasn't around
TOP TEN WAYS FOR FRASER TO BREAK THE BAD NEWS ABOUT THE RIV TO VECCHIO
10. Tell him while Vecchio is in a hypnotic state, with the hypnotic
suggestion to "not kill the Mountie."
9. Go to Vecchio's house while he's sleeping and whisper, "There never
was a Riv...it was just a dream, a dream, a DREAM..."
8. Make a joke out of it: "What do you get when you cross a Riviera with
a serial arsonist and Lake Michigan? Your car!"
7. Put it into perspective: "Well, your house burned down, too. That's
far worse, isn't it?"
6. Hide in the upper reaches of the Yukon while the aftermath of #7
still rages.
5. Use Francesca as a human shield.
4. Slip it into everyday conversation, as though it were no big deal
(i.e.: "Hi, Ray. Nice day, isn't it, and the Riv is sitting in a charred
heap at the bottom of Lake Michigan. Want to get some ice cream?")
3. Buy a cheap green 1971 Chevy Nova and try to pass it off as the Riv.
2. Have Chicago's mayor declare the day the Riv went into Lake Michigan,
"Local
Get-your-1971-green-Buick-Riviera-torched-by-a-serial-arsonist-and-drive-it-down-busy-Chicago-streets-before-plummeting-its-flaming-chassis-into-Lake-Michigan
Day".
And the number one way for Fraser to break the bad news about the Riv
to
Vecchio:
1. Tell him, "Kowalski has something to tell you."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL BRING FRASER AND KOWALSKI BACK FROM SEARCHING
FOR THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE
10. Kowalski goes into another delusional
state due to hypothermia and
starts singing "Macarena".
9. Fraser suddenly realises he's only brought one can of SPAM.
8.
They finally find the NWP, only to discover that it is entirely
surrounded
by Turnbull clones.
7. Their battery-powered Walkman runs down, making it impossible for
them to listen to "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy", and they turn around to
get their fix of Sarah McLachlan.
6. Diefenbaker keeps moping because he can't get any jelly doughnuts.
5. Francesca parachutes down from a plane, saying, "Hey, guys, thought
I'd join you. Where's the nearest Victoria's Secret?"
4. Fraser realises he forgot to file his lates 98-42-1b form.
3.
Kowalski gets tired of hearing Fraser pointing out childhood
landmarks
("And there's the snowdrift where I learned to ride my
bicycle, and
there's the snowpile where I killed and ate my first
otter..." etc.)
2. The Inuit they encounter keep turning them away before Fraser can
ask
them for any more wise stories and anectdotes.
And the number one thing that will bring Fraser and Kowalski back from
searching for the Northwest Passage:
1. They find out Vecchio is searching for them in Upper Canada to
"discuss" the Riv issue with them, and they hightail it back before he
can find them.
So, whaddya think?
Chris and Melissa
cql@hopper.unh.edu
melissar@alberti.unh.edu
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