WARNING: Please be advised that this story contains severe Victoria bashing. It should not be read by anyone without a sense of humor. The idea for Part Two came from Diane ... just spreading the blame. :)
Earlier this week, Katrina posted a story entitled "After Great Pain," which dealt with how Ben would cope with the news of Victoria's death. In the afterword, however, she foolishly mentioned that there was a previous version that didn't treat the matter quite so seriously. Trust me, the girl will never learn when to keep her big mouth shut. Well, this list being what it is, she got a few requests to write up the Other Version. Katrina was reluctant do this, not wanting to detract from what was (honestly!) intended to be a serious story ... but at the same time, she does *so* hate to disappoint people, especially when some of you asked so nicely.
That's where I come in. Yes, Buffy is back. I'm Katrina's evil twin sister, for those of you who haven't run across me yet, and my greatest pleasure is torking people off. I was supposed to be in Ulan Bator, but, well, there was a misunderstanding with the airport customs people there. I swear, I had no idea it was illegal to try to import Weed Whackers into Ulan Bator! So I was at loose ends, and Katrina suggested that I try my hand at this one. Anything to oblige ...
by Buffy
Part One: What Really Happened ...
Victoria threw her head back and laughed maniacally. "Yes! Yes, I am guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty! Guilty as sin, and proud of it! That's right, it was me, Victoria Metcalfe. I stole those diamonds, Ben, and I framed you and your best friend. I shot Jolly, I burned down your cabin *and* I shot your damned furball, Diefenbaker. I did it all and I enjoyed every minute! That's right, Ben, I ripped out your heart and stomped that sucker flat, and I'd do it again in a second. If you had more than four brain cells to knock together, you could have figured that out." Still laughing, she got in the car, which promptly exploded into approximately 5,892 pieces (at least by Ben's rough estimate). Dief wagged his tail and woofed happily.
"Oh dear," Ben sighed. "That's going to take quite some time for the street crews to clean up, I'm afraid."
"Excuse me?" Ray asked in disbelief. "The love of your life got blown into smithereens before your eyes and all you can think of is the street crews?"
"You know, Ray, to be perfectly honest, I was getting tired of mooning over the bitch anyway. And incidentally, I really love you."
"Oh ... well, cool." Holding hands, Ben and Ray walked off into the sunset, Diefenbaker following behind.
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Part Two: The Come to Jesus Meeting
"Ohhh ... where am I?" Victoria sat up, holding her head. She looked up in awe at the serene apparation, clothed in a shimmering white radiance, standing above her. Frankly, she had been expecting something a bit more ... scarlet.
"You know, Victoria, we had a hell of a time -- you should pardon the expression -- thinking of an appropriate way to deal with you." The figure consulted a ledger in its hands. "My ... we *have* been a naughty girl, haven't we?" It beckoned three shadowy silhouettes forward. "We felt this was the best way to handle the situation. I'll be back in -- let me check the time chart here -- in 327 years to see how you're coming along." It snapped the book shut and walked away, whistling "Inna Gadda Da Vida," feathered wings swaying gently in counter-rhythm.
Victoria shrank back as two of the shapes reached down. "Ow!" she exclaimed as each one grabbed one ear and hauled her to her feet. "Who are you people -- ow!"
The third figure stepped forward calmly. "I'm Caroline Fraser. This is my mother and my mother-in-law ... and we've been watching what you've been doing to my son." She walked away and the two elderly women followed, still dragging Victoria by her ears. "We'll have none of this cabin-burning, diamond-stealing, bank-robbing, wolf-shooting, heart-breaking nonsense in *these* parts, Little Missy," one of them said sternly.
"OW!"
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For those of you unfamiliar with the term "come to Jesus meeting," it has no religious connotations. It's when you grab someone by both ears, give them a good hard shake, and tell them, "If you don't stop behaving like a self-obsessed little idiot, I'll pound you into jelly." It's quite effective.