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WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND - May/June, 2000
by Ashinae

Diefenbaker was sulking.

Ray had the house to himself. Some delicious leftovers for dinner, a few movies to choose from--no-plot action flicks that he didn't usually get to rent--but at the moment, peace and quiet. Perfect.

Except for the deaf half-wolf sulking by his chair. Little else could destroy such a perfect night. "Look," Ray said, looking down at Dief, "Benny's only gonna be gone a week."

Dief glanced up at him, whined, then lowered his head again.

Ray was almost certain that Dief had just cursed at him, or at the very least had called him an unpleasant name.

"You won't be stuck *alone* with me all week," Ray reassured Dief--sounding a little bitter to his own ears. "Everybody will be here tomorrow to feed you and spoil you."

Dief seemed unimpressed.

Ray rolled his eyes and sighed. "No gratitude. You give a wolf a place to stay a week and you pay and pay--" He cut himself off.

Good God, he was starting to sound like Benny.

Ray shook his head and finished eating. He cleaned up his fairly small mess, went upstairs to shower, then around nine-thirty he headed to the family room to pick a movie. *Hmm... _Die Hard_ ... _Die Hard 2_ ... _Die Hard With a Vengeance_ ... Number three it is!* As he turned on the TV and popped the movie into the VCR, Dief came up beside him. The wolf made a noise of inquiry and Ray showed him the cover for the movie.

He could swear Dief rolled his eyes. The wolf just walked off back to the kitchen. Ray shrugged, then sat down on the couch with the remote, ready to be entertained.

As he fast-forwarded through the previews, Ray was suddenly struck with how odd it seemed not to have anyone around. The house was just too quiet. But what seemed the most unusual was that it was a Friday night and he wasn't with Benny.

*Yeah,* he thought. *My life revolves around the Mountie. When was the last time you had a date, Vecchio?* But what struck him right then was the realisation that the thought didn't bother him. Even more concerning was the fact that his next thought was, *Having Benny around is enough*. He frowned. He considered that and his eyes widened.

Having Benny around *was* enough. The idea of *not* spending the time with Benny that he did seemed almost unthinkable. Benny was at the centre of his world.

Ray blinked. He didn't mind this.

When had this *happened*, though? Ray couldn't recall the last time he had actually had a night to himself. Many nights of the week were occupied by family or work. Most nights, though, involved Benny--Benny and family, Benny and work, or just Benny.

Ray considered this new development in his thinking. Yes, he did have nights without Fraser, but they were boring! And long and drawn out and just no fun at all.

He jumped up from the couch and started pacing. Benny was gone for a week, away in Ottawa for some kind of seminar-something and Ray felt almost as abandoned as Dief looked.

The movie forgotten, he dashed upstairs to his room, grabbing his wallet and opening it to get the number for Benny's hotel. He picked up his phone and dialled, requested room 509 and then instantly panicked. What if Benny wasn't there? What if he just couldn't think of anything to say to Benny? What if--

"Hello?"

"Benny!" Ray enthused. "Hi! It's me."

"Ray!" There was surprise in Benny's voice. "Is there a problem?"

"No, no... why would there be a problem?"

"Well... I'm just quite surprised to hear from you already."

"Oh, uh... you know, just wanted to make sure you, uh, got there okay."

Yes, Ray, I made it in one piece. The meal was horrible, the movie was boring and the man in the seat next to me slept the whole time and *snored* louder than I've heard anyone snore. And how's Diefenbaker behaving?"

"He's been sulking ever since you left, Benny."

Benny sighed. "Of course. So... are you enjoying your evening?"

Ray shrugged though he knew Benny couldn't see him. "Well, Benny... it's nice to have some peace and quiet sometimes."

"Ah."

Silence. Then, "Ray?"

"Yeah, Benny?"

"I'm getting a bit cold... ah, I was just getting out of the shower when you called. All I'm wearing is a towel."

Ray gave a sigh at the image that sprang to mind. *Oh, yeah, wet and mostly naked Mountie...*

"...Ray?" Benny said.

"Uh-huh?"

"I really should put some clothes on."

"Oh, yeah, right. I'll hold on. It's my buck, after all."

"All right. Hold on, Ray."

Ray waited patiently until Benny spoke again into the phone. "Hi, Ray."

"Feel better, Benny?"

"Yes... So...?"

*Think of something intelligent to say,* Ray thought. "I miss ya, Benny." *Oh my God! Vecchio, you're a moron!*

"Really, Ray?" Benny sounded pleased. "Already?"

Ray wanted to sink into the spot he was standing on. "Yeah, Benny. A Friday night without you just isn't the same. When you're not around... I dunno, it's like black and white instead of, you know, technicolour." *Stop it! My God, what's wrong with you?!*

"Well--I--" Benny paused. "I'm touched, Ray," he said. "That was--"

*Stupid?*

"...sweet. I-I miss you too."

Ray couldn't stop the big--undoubtedly goofy--grin from spreading across his face. "Well, then, what're ya doing in Ottawa?" he teased.

"The conference, Ray," Benny reminded him in that infinitely patient way of his.

Ray rolled his eyes. "I was *teasing*, Benny."

"Ah, of course." Another pause. "I really would rather be there with you, Ray."

Ray's heart skipped a beat. He sat down on the edge of his bed. "Yeah?" he said.

"Certainly, Ray," Benny replied. "Everything with you just seems that much... better."

Ray flopped back over onto his bed. This was bizarre--bizarre, but it felt oh-so-good. "Well, get your ass back here, then," he said in a joking manner, though he certainly meant it.

"I'd honestly like to... Ray, there's this woman. She's... well, I supposed you could almost say she's stalking me. I've been here for eight hours and I have already acquired a stalker."

Ray laughed. "She's not really stalking you, is she, Benny?"

"Oh, Ray, believe me, this is as close to being stalked as I have ever been. I bumped into her--actually, *she* bumped into *me*--at the airport. I stopped at a coffee vendor for some tea, and there she was. Sitting there and *watching* me. I arrived at the hotel... and she was there. She sat at my table at dinner. She pestered me to dance with her--"

"And, let me guess, Benny. You ran away shrieking."

"Well, I didn't *shriek*, Ray--"

Ray laughed. "Benny, you're priceless."

Benny laughed too. "Why, thank you, Ray. But I haven't told you the best part."

"The best part?"

"Oh, indeed, the best part. Ray, her room is right next to mine."

"No way!"

"It is!" Benny seemed to suppress a laugh. "I'm scared, Ray. She seems to have eight arms, and her perfume is... is... *overpowering*. It's enough to make a person light-headed."

"You want me to come up there and save ya, Benny?" Ray offered. "I can pretend to be your boyfriend or something... scare her off."

Benny laughed, and Ray was surprised by his lack of response to the 'boyfriend' remark. "What a tempting offer," he said. "But I think I *can* handle myself."

"You silly Canadians." Ray grinned to himself.

"I wouldn't talk, Ray. I just wouldn't."

Ray sniffed. "I blow raspberries in your general direction!" he announced.

There ws absolute silence on the other end.

"Uh, Benny?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Haven't you ever seen _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_?"

"No, Ray."

Ray gave a sigh. "We're gonna have to fix that. Next Saturday night, Benny, after you get back, we're going to the movie store and renting it. It's too funny."

"I take your word for it." Ray was sure Benny was teasing him.

"You're gonna get it someday, Mountie," Ray warned.

"I'll be holding my breath and counting the seconds," Benny said dryly.

"Don't you mock me."

"Would I do that?" Benny was complete innocence.

"I think you would," Ray replied. "You don't fool me with the innocent act."

"I'm hurt."

"Yeah, right."

"Do you doubt my sincerity?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh. Well, fine then."

"Fine." Pause. "Benny?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"I really do miss you."

There was a definite smile in Benny's voice. "I'll be back before you know it, Ray."

"You'd better be."

"If not?" Benny was teasing him now.

"I'll go up to Ottawa myself, sling you over my shoulder and carry you back here. I can do it, too."

Benny laughed. "It's good to hear from you, Ray. Even if it hasn't been that long since I last saw you."

"It's that Vecchio magic, Benny. You can't resist its charm."

"Call me tomorrow night, too, Ray?" Benny asked.

"Sure, Benny. Same time?"

"If you don't mind."

"Not at all. You, uh--want me to let you go now?"

There was a bit of reluctance in Benny's voice. "I need to get to sleep."

"Okay, Benny. Good night, then."

"Good night, Ray."

Ray got up from his bed and hung up the phone. He stood in the middle of his room in a bit of a daze. That conversation didn't seem like it had been real. But he did know he had certainly had it... His heart soared. Benny missed him and had genuinely been glad to hear from him. And, on top of all that, wanted him to call again tomorrow night.

He grinned and headed downstairs, looking for Dief. He found the wolf lying under the kitchen table. "Hey, Dief, wanna go for a walk?" he asked. The wolf was up instantly and heading for the door.

Tomorrow night wouldn't get here fast enough.

Was he insane?

He had to be.

Ray had been thinking about Benny all day. The thing that bothered him was that it *didn't* bother him.

Was this just the next step? Was it natural? Of course he loved Benny--Benny was the person in the world closest to him, and had been for a long time now. But did Ray feel *that* way? Did *Benny* feel that way?

Ray fell back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Was there something wrong with loving Benny? Yes--Benny was a man and Ray was Catholic. But other than that? Benny was just--wonderful. Annoying, but wonderful. And... beautiful. So very beautiful. Ray's eyes drifted shut and he saw Benny, in a way only he was lucky enough to see the Mountie: unguarded, relaxed, smiling, laughing...

Ray sighed softly. Benny was in stupid *Ottawa*.

He opened his eyes and picked up his phone from where he had put it on his bedside table. He dialled Benny's hotel.

"Hello, Ray," Benny said a moment later.

"You're so sure it's me?" Ray teased.

"Of course. You promised to call me at the same time you did yesterday."

Ray lay back on his bed again. "So what were you up to?" he asked.

"Just lying here, reading, waiting for you to call."

Ray smiled. "Waiting by the phone. How sweet, Benny."

"It's definitely been the highlight of my day. Hearing from you, I mean."

Ray chuckled. "Boring, huh, Benny?"

"Well... yes. And, that woman... Ray, she was standing outside my room this morning. I had to eat breakfast with her. I've never met a person who could have such a *vacant* expression in their eyes *all the time*."

"Benny!" Ray exclaimed. "I'm surprised at you! I've never heard you say something like that about a person."

Ray was certain Benny was blushing. "Well... it's the truth, though."

"You really do surprise me sometimes. I'm amazed."

"Is that a bad thing, Ray?" Benny asked shyly.

"Nahh, Benny. It's good if you can keep me on my toes sometimes."

"Only 'sometimes'?"

"Well... I think I generally know what you're going to do."

"Ah... Are you saying I should be more spontaneous?" Benny asked.

"You're perfect just the way you are."

"Hardly perfect, Ray."

"Well, as close as a person can get."

"That's..."

"Don't argue, Benny," Ray warned. "You're not going to win."

"Yes, Ray."

They talked for about another hour, and by that time, Ray was starting to yawn.

"You sound tired, Ray," Benny observed.

"Yeah, I guess. It's past *your* bedtime, though."

"You have to be up before I do."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"You're also wasting a lot of money calling me like this," Benny added.

"Nothing 'wasteful' about it. Every penny is worth it to hear you voice." Ray leaned his head back on the pillows, closing his eyes. "Wish you were here, Benny."

There was a wistful tone in Benny's voice when he said, "Me too."

"Can't you come home early?" Ray asked softly.

"I'm afraid I'm here until Friday."

Ray sighed. Six more days.

"We really should get off the phone, Ray," Benny said.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Tomorrow night, though? Same time?"

"Sure, Benny."

"Good. Sleep well, Ray. Good night."

"'Night, Benny. Love you."

Ray hung up his phone and closed his eyes. Then his eyes flew open and he turned to look at his phone as though it had turned into a snake.

Had he just told Benny he loved him? What was Benny going to think?

Benny stared at the receiver in his hand for a moment, scarce believing what he had just heard. But then a small smile curved his lips and he hung up the phone. The same smile remained on his face as he turned off the lamp next to the bed, settled back on his waffle-thin hotel pillow and fell asleep a few moments later.

Harmless flirting.

Flirting was harmless. It was just Benny. Benny didn't strike him as the homophobic type.

But he'd told Benny he *loved* him!

He was insane. He was certain of it now. Ray Vecchio had finally cracked.

He sat at the dining room table, with the entire Vecchio family, idly pushing his food around on his plate. Sunday night dinners were usually an event, a meal filled with all the various sounds of the family and the smell of Rosa Vecchio's incredible food. And yet the only thing Ray could think about was what he had said last night to Benny.

"Caro?"

Ray sighed. He *had* to call Benny... if only to find out if Benny ever wanted to speak to him again.

"Raimondo?"

He reached out and took a drink of water. God, had he screwed up the most important part of his life? *I am such an idiot!* he thought.

"Raimondo? Are you all right?" He suddenly felt his mother's hand on his wrist and he jumped.

"Ma!" he exclaimed. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good, honest."

"You look tired," Rosa told him.

Ray shrugged, shook his head. "A little, I guess."

"You've hardly eaten."

"I guess I'm not feeling well tonight, Ma," he said softly. "There's... stuff on my mind."

"You miss Benton," she observed. Ray gave her a startled glance and she smiled. "You're my son. I know you, and I can tell you're missing him. Why don't you give him a call after dinner?"

Ray held back the bitter laugh, instead he smiled back at his mother, and said, "That's a good idea, Ma. I'll do that."

Rosa patted his wrist, then turned her attentions to one of her younger grandchildren.

*Call Benny, right, got that part,* Ray thought. *But what the hell am I gonna say?* He suppressed another sigh, finished off as much of his meal as he could, then announced that he would do the dishes. He needed something to get his mind off of Benny for a little while--Benny was all he had been thinking about all weekend. Ray cleaned the dishes, with some help from a niece and a nephew, gave the two children lots of hugs and kisses in thanks, then headed upstairs. He glanced at his clock. It was only quarter after eight. "Greeaat," he muttered. What was he supposed to do for another forty-five minutes?

Sighing, he pulled off his clothes, put on a bathrobe and headed to the bathroom after grabbing a towel. He took a long, hot shower--unfortunately, the image of sharing the shower with Benny kept springing to mind and he all but howled in frustration. However, it wasn't an entirely unpleasant fantasy so he indulged it for a while.

After the shower, he relaxed, stretched out on his bed, listening to the radio. The next time he looked at the clock, it was nine-thirty. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the phone.

A tired-sounding Benny said, "Hello?"

"Hi, Benny."

"Ray! I'm so glad it's you."

"Really?" Ray couldn't help the surprise from registering in his voice.

"It's just been a long, boring, tedious day. It makes guard duty seem *exciting*."

Ray tried not to laugh.

"It's not funny, Ray."

"I didn't say anything, Benny."

"I know what you were thinking. Ray... I've sat through lectures before. Lectures and meetings and... Today was just pure torture. I felt like I was being punished for something, and I wasn't quite sure what I was being punished *for*. For two hours straight, this motivational--and I use that term very lightly--speaker droned on and on and on... I think half of the people there had fallen asleep with their eyes open. I've experienced boring, Ray. But this man was enough to kill someone. He spoke in complete monotone no pauses, just incessant rambling, and I don't even remember what he was saying."

"And that was supposed to be the highlight of your day?" Ray questioned.

"*Supposed to be* are the key terms," Benny sighed. "There were five more lectures. And, of course, three meals with my *lovely* neighbour."

"Oh, Benny, you poor thing," Ray laughed.

"But I do have good news," Benny said.

"Yeah?"

"Yes... I'm coming home tomorrow evening. My flight will arrive at six."

Ray stopped breathing.

"...Ray?"

Ray shook his head. "That's great, Benny!" he exclaimed. "But... I'm afraid I can't make it to pick you up. I have plans."

Benny was definitely disappointed. "Oh... Well, that's all right, Ray. I can walk."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Ray. I'm sure."

"Good, Benny. Look, I, uh, gotta go. Early start tomorrow morning."

"Oh. All right, Ray. Good night, then."

"'Night, Benny."

Ray reached out and hung up the phone. He crossed his arms under his head. He had a big night to plan for tomorrow.

Benny made his way up the stairs to his apartment just shortly after seven the next night. He gave a small smile as he reached his door--he would have the apartment to himself for the night, complete peace and quiet in comparison to the nosiness of the conference. But there was a definite feeling of loneliness mixed with that; Dief would still be at Ray's and Ray... was somewhere. Of course, he was certain he would be able to see his partner tomorrow.

He was not prepared to be knocked over by a huge ball of fur as soon as he opened the door. He stumbled back into the hallway, giving a scolding shout of, "Diefenbaker!" as he tried to calm the over-excited wolf down. "You're getting worse and worse, do you realise that?" he asked as he ushered the wolf into the apartment.

Noticing that Ray was standing in the kitchen, Benny said, "What have you done to Dief?" before doing what could only be described as a double-take, looking around the apartment.

Benny took in the candles that decorated the entire apartment and the soft romantic music. The candles were filling the apartment with the smell of blueberry. Then his eyes fell on the table, set with a new tablecloth and a dinner for two complete with tall, slender candles and a single rose. Then his eyes drifted to Ray, who stood nervously near the table clad in a tuxedo.

"Hi, Benny," Ray said.

"Ray," Benny said with a nod. "How are you?"

"Good," Ray replied. "You?"

"Fine. I... I thought you had plans."

"I do."

"Ah. These are..." Benny waved his hand, "the plans?"

"Yeah."

"Ah." Benny glanced around. "Do you mind if I just... put my stuff... away?"

"Not at all," Ray told him.

Benny gave Ray a little smile, then headed off towards his bedroom. He glanced around, then just dropped his bag on the floor by the bed then turned around to look at Ray again. Ray smiled shyly and waved and Benny smiled just as shyly back. He took a few steps forward.

"Ray, I feel like I'm not dressed up enough," he said.

Ray took in the brown uniform Benny was wearing. "I like that on you," he said.

"Thank you," Benny said, moving forward again to stand in front of Ray. They watched each other, blue eyes locked on green.

"Missed you, Benny," Ray said softly. "Thought about you all weekend. When you told me you were coming home, I almost stopped breathing."

"Ray--I... You were on my mind a... a lot, too. I don't... I..." Benny took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say. You said you--you loved me, on Saturday night. I could barely believe it... then, Sunday, you didn't say anything about it, and then you told me you had plans, I--"

Ray cut him off. "Dinner's ready," he said. "It's just... in the oven, staying warm. All I made was some lasagne, but I know you love it so... take a seat, Benny."

Frowning a bit, Benny sat. Why had Ray interrupted him like that?

Not looking at his confused partner, Ray set about taking their dinner out of the oven and serving it onto plates for them. As he set the Mountie's plate down, Benny noticed Ray's hand was trembling just slightly.

Dief came over and sat next to the table. "I fed you already," Ray said. "If you want something, you can make your own." Dief sniffed, then turned and stalked away. It sounded vaguely like he was grumbling.

Ray was just about to sit down, but then he said, "Oops, forgot something," and went over to the refrigerator after grabbing two wine glasses from the counter. Benny watched as Ray got out a jug of grape juice and poured them each half a glass.

Ray turned and smiled as he saw the grin on Benny's face. "Hey, I knew it's as close as either of us would get, Benny," he said, handing him a glass.

"Of course, Ray," Benny replied as his partner sat. "So to what shall we toast?" he asked.

Ray's eyes met his again. The candlelight danced in Benny's blue eyes, casting highlights in his dark hair. *Oh, holy holy mother of God, he's beautiful,* Ray thought.

"Thank you, Ray," Benny said softly, lowering his gaze.

Ray blinked, unaware that he'd spoken. "You are, Benny. I don't think you even realise how beautiful you are."

Silently, Benny began eating and Ray followed suit, watching his partner across the table. Occasionally Benny would glance up, and give Ray a little smile. They finished their meal like that, then Ray cleaned up the table, putting their dishes in the sink and rinsing them off.

"Is there dessert, Ray?" Benny asked.

Ray paused, then turned to look at Benny. "Well, see, I was... I was hoping--"

"Why are you here, Ray?" Benny got to his feet, coming around the table to stand in front of Ray.

"I--because--" Ray couldn't look in Benny's eyes. He suddenly felt terrified. Terrified of rejection; terrified that Benny felt the same way he did.

"Please tell me, Ray." Benny spoke so quietly, Ray was hardly sure that he had really spoken. But he looked up and was suddenly lost in that tender gaze.

"Oh, God, Benny, I don't know if I can say it," he whispered.

"Try, Ray," Benny urged gently. "You've said it once."

"I didn't even realise I said it that time," Ray protested weakly. "There's a difference between just saying, 'Love you', and... and..."

Benny's hand came up and rested on one side of Ray's neck. "Ray," Benny said, stepping closer. Ray's eyes drifted closed and he felt Benny's hand move to the back of his head, felt Benny step closer, so close, he could feel that strong body up against him. The next time Benny spoke, it was directly into Ray's ear, just a soft caress. "Ray."

"Oh, God, Benny," Ray sighed. "I love you. I..." He swallowed. "I think I have for a... long time, just... didn't realise it till you weren't around."