YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH DUE SOUTH WHEN...
You dream about painting your car emerald green and calling it "the Riv"--even if it's a beat-to-hell Ford Escort.
You use the phrase "Thank you kindly" so often that your sister and brother threaten to strangle you the next time they hear it.
You can't watch "Providence" without a bowl of popcorn so you have something to throw at Melina Kanakaredes whenever she appears on screen.
The final twenty minutes of your pirated copy of "eXistenZ" is worn to hell because you've spent god knows how many hours staring at Callum Keith Rennie in his ever-so-sexy army fatigues.
Same thing with the majority of your copy of "Aspen Extreme"--only with the rather brazen scene of one Paul Gross!
You put Smarties or Sprees in your coffee whenever you drink it.
You think it's a sacrilege that the local kennel doesn't have any half-wolf breeds.
You find yourself reciting "The Windhover" at every poetry reading your school holds.
You wonder why Paul Gross isn't on the cover of People Magazine as "the sexiest man alive." (Or Callum Keith Rennie--hey, I like them both!)
You find yourself thinking of the Riv in "Burning Down the House" when the brake axle of the bus carrying your soccer team to a game two states away catches fire. (THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED! ASK ANYONE AT USF!)
You can't eat a steak with out asking your dad (or the waiter) if the steak is actually beef and not horse.
Your feelings toward Beth Botrelle at the end of "The Ladies' Man" were the sole factor in getting you to sign that petition for a moratorium on the death penalty.
You find yourself giving donuts to your dog.
You dread going on field trips with your environmental science class because you're scared that you'll get hit by an otter.
You go from dorm room to dorm room and realize that, in the sea of a bunch of collegiate Leonardo DiCaprio worshippers, you are the sole person who was more traumatized by the attack on the Robert Mackenzie than the sinking of the Titanic.
You can't pass a Victoria's Secret in the mall without thinking about murder.
You try not to laugh whenever you hear the name "Steve."
You think dark-haired women are nothing but trouble. (My friend Todd can attest to this--he's been putting up with me for almost four years now!)
When your roommate moved out, you decided to turn what was her side of the room into a due SOUTH shrine.
You've found yourself referring to your best friend's tyrant boss as "The Dragon Lady"--even if the boss is a male!
You find yourself seeing if you can say the word "Tuktoyaktuk" five times fast.
You found yourself begging your dad to build you a sweat lodge for your sweet sixteen--even if he's dead.
(Dark-haired women on this one) You find yourself doing your hair like Victoria or Thatcher--or cutting it drastically short.
The Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield bout brought back some painful memories.
You find yourself trying to find a safe way to jump out of the window on the third floor of your apartment building or residence hall.
You find yourself fearing for your life if you get pinkeye or chicken pox.
You find yourself threatening to kick other people in the head.
You put your student loan money and your work study money toward an Armani suit.
You find yourself saying, "Kiss a cute Mountie for me!" if a friend of yours is going to Canada.
You want to kill Trey Parker and Matt Stone for the "Blame Canada" number from the South Park movie.
You have written the Pope on many an occasion in an attempt to persuade him to canonize Paul Haggis.
You try to persuade your brother--a diehard South Park fanatic--to boycott the South Park movie.
You find yourself humming "Ride Forever" during your midterms.
You find yourself humming "Ride Forever" after your midterms.
You wasted valuable study time typing up a list of ways you can tell if you've been watching too much due SOUTH.
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Wasn't this sick? Feedback and ideas welcome at pezpusher@hotmail.com--please, don't send me any otters!