I
apologize in advance for this one -- it's just something I had to get
out of my system. Hope the format doesn't cause too much eyestrain or
confusion.
See what can happen when you don't label your videocassettes? Let This
Be A Warning To You All! --kb
YOUR VIEWING ASSIGNMENT TONIGHT ...
By Katrina Bowen
(Late one night, on the Satellite of Love.)
Three figures, one tall, two short and oddly misshapen, enter the empty
theater. "So what does Dr. Forrester have for us tonight?"
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Ray is looking for sunglasses. He says, "I can only guess that the old
ones had some mojo."
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"Hojo? What does Howard Johnson's have to do with this?"
"No, he said mojo."
"Mojo Nixon?"
"No -- Mojo Rising!" The three start to sing the Doors' song.
"Got my mojo rising!"
"Those shades aren't a good choice for him at all."
"Yeah. He looks like the love child of Ray Charles and, uh --"
"Prince Charles?"
"Good one!"
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Ben picks up Ida's dropped toy bunny and runs after the departing taxi.
Dief runs after him.
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"Which way did he go? Which way did he go? Where's that cute
little bunny rabbit I saw? I will pet him and love him --"
"Hey, he's running right through the back seat of some lady's
car! It's just like a Mentos ad!"
"Nothing gets to you --"
"Staying fresh, staying cool!" They all sing together -- "Mentos fresh
and full of life!"
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Ray is knocked over by a bike messenger.
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"Look out! Look out!"
"Oh, I hate it when that happens."
"Maybe if you took off the damn shades, you could SEE!"
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Ben tells Ida, "For future reference, you might want to fasten your handbag
more securely."
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"Oooh, Mountie safety tips."
"Yeah, right. He runs into the middle of traffic, goes through
some strange woman's car, runs through a crowd of people eating hot dogs
-- any one of whom could have choked when he bumped into them - - he
leaps over a bunch of furniture, he's hanging out with a goddamn *wolf*,
and we're supposed to take his advice on personal safety? Give me a
break."
"Well, it's a cute wolf."
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"I don't even know who you are."
"Yeah, I know."
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"Oh, they're made for each other."
"Okay, I've seen this show before. It's about a Mountie --"
"A Mountie? The sign says Chicago. There aren't Mounties in
Chicago, you moron."
"Well, generally, no, there aren't. He was transferred."
"Transferred? What do you have to do to get kicked out of
Canada? Spit on Neil Young? Insult a moose? Really, really suck at
hockey?"
"Shut up, the credits are over."
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Man is breaking into warehouse, holding flashlight in his mouth.
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"You know, these new light cigarettes are great!"
"Look at those sunglasses, guys -- it's Robert Goulet!"
"C'est moi!"
"Look! Look! Milton Berle as Shelly Litvak!"
"Uncle Miltie?"
"Yeah, and he's playing a woman named Shelly. I guess he
never really got over that whole drag thing, huh?"
"And don't call me Shelly!"
"No, no. Leslie Nielson isn't in this one."
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Ben takes a pencil out of his tunic, starts drawing.
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"Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
"Oh, he's good."
"Yeah. He's taking classes at the Art Institute."
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Ray asks, "Where else are you going to find dollar bills folded so they'll
fit in a g-string?"
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"Well, there was the unfortunate incident up in the Yukon with a caribou,
four bottles of tequila and a can of cheese spray, but let's not get
into that right now, okay?"
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"I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you."
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"Come on! He's got strippers flopping their gazongas right in his face
and he's not even looking? He's not human!"
"Hey, here's a theory. Disney owns the Mounties, right?"
"Well, that's not really the way it works --"
"No, no, listen. I know what's going on now! The Mountie is one of
those animatronic figures, like in the Hall of Presidents, or the Pirates
of the Caribbean! That explains the whole thing!"
"Oh, come on."
"Well, do you have a better theory, Mr. Expert?"
"Uhhhh ---"
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The strip joint is filled with rats.
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"Hey, look, there's Willard!"
"No, no. The same thing happened in Salem's Lot."
"Boy, I've heard about the health code violations in some of these places,
but this is ridiculous."
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Ben picks up rat, holds it to his face.
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All three figures break into song. "When I'm calling
yoooooooo..."
"Awww, look. Isn't that sweet? Now he's reassuring the rat.
He's so nice and polite."
"He's talking to the rat? What the hell is this, anyway --
Beastmaster 4: The Mountie Years?"
All three fall silent, watching the show. Finally Tom Servo says, "Do
you think Dr. Forrester is losing his touch? I mean, usually the things
he shows us are really horrible, but this doesn't suck at all." Mike
sighed. "Look, I think we should give the doc a break. I
heard there's a problem with TV's Frank."
"Yeah." Crow settled deeper into his seat. "Let's just watch this.
We need to save our strength for next week, anyway."
"Why? What's next week?"
"I hear Dr. Forrester got his hands on a copy of --" he
shuddered.
"You don't mean --"
"*Cutthroat Island*?"
An echoing, eerie voice filled the theater. "DEEP HURTING!"
--with apologies to all concerned--
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