Disclaimer: We do not own the characters...property of Alliance and Paul Haggis and we wont make money from this etc. Used without permission...do not mean to infringe any rights...(all covered ?)Okay. Moving on...

There is a religious element to this piece of speculative zaniness and nothing more. We do not mean to blaspheme.All in fun. No sex, no violence.PG-13?We havent a clue about this rating system.

Audrey's Note: This is an outcome of reading too much Pratchett and Spy vs Spy and Audrey's shoddy memory of her catechism classes 16 years ago. What i know of Latin is laughable and came out of a little blue book called "Learning Latin A Little A Day" so no use flaming us on that score.I admit to being a total dimwit on that.

What made Hsulyn cowrite this I have no idea.

PS: If you were looking for something with a plot.......well there isn't one.

(pedantic title we know, but what the heck)

by Audrey Lee and Hsu-Lyn Yap

"Okay . Let's be reasonable . He was just trying to help...."

"Oh, yeah...like that's a good excuse for getting us killed. Again !"

"...You , hush! Now what was I saying?? Yes , of course . No one forced you to go. You got into this mess all by yourself . No one put a gun to your head , right? "

Ray groaned and buried his head in his hands, as the two tinny voices argued before him. Shades of catechism class washed over him . 'Man is born with complete free will . Providence and predestination have nothing to do with Man's predilection for SIN '

Father McMurphy always spoke that word in capital letters . Of course , then , he didn't know what predilection meant . He thought it had something to do with his Dad's 'sure-fire' gaming strategy . But SIN he knew . He was contemplating one at that very moment. One that involved a seal/otter (he wasn't choosy) much cussing and grievous bodily harm .

"Now , now Raimundo . You know better than that. And besides , that probably isn't physically possible ."

"Wait !Whoa.....! Wait a gosh-darned minute here . Who was it who said there wasno harm in checking? And who had us chase that car for six blocks, huh ?And who ruined our perfectly good suede loafers?! I mean they cost $200! And then what happened??! It snowed . It snowed on our lovely new Armani suit and its ruined now! Do you know how hard it is to get a suit of the exact shade to bring out the Lady-killer green of our eyes?!"

"You need to cool down anyway . I hear the climate where you are is pretty tropical . Hyuk!"

" #@*^%<& !"

"Oh, Heavenly Father ...forgive this..this...wait a minute ?!!What am I saying? You're already way past the need for prayer . "

"We have more fun down here , anyway. Nyah!Nyah! Pfftb!"

The degeneration into juvenile name-calling finally motivated Ray to interrupt, after giving them more than his fair share of barely-restrained tolerant attention.

"Hey,Guys! Hellooo?! Have you finished ? How about helping me with my problem here, huh? I REALLY need some help here ."

The One in Black looked sheepishly over to the One in White , who appeared equally ovine-ish .

" Well , Ray my man...as much as I enjoy being your er.. Representative from the Netherworld ...

"You mean Hell. Don't white-wash it!"

"...Butt out you!....And I do mean it , Ray. Your exploits get me a lotta cred with the guys below. Especially during your teens . Remember all those chicks from school at the back seat of your Dad's car...Hmm...What?....Oh yeah...so as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted (angels ?etiquette? hah! )...these are one of the things we can't help you with ."

Ray Vecchio rolled his eyes extravagantly , in a way those who knew him would have found familiar ."Then what's the use of having Guardian Angels ....er..and Devils?! What good are you then?"His gaze was unmistakably derisive .

"Actually my designation is Incubus , Parvumius Maleficat . But call me 'Ink' ."

"Hah ! That fancy title just means he's a low-level imp . He can't even do a possession yet. "

"Yeah?! Well at least we have a title . You're just plain old 'Guardian Angel' . All of you are the same . BORING!"

"That's because we ALL do God's work .WE don't mind if God can't call us by name .Besides , I would've thought in your line of work , you wouldn't want YOUR Boss to call you by name , now would you ?"

" Stop it you two! Okay , you !, " said an increasingly peeved Ray ," ..with the gold ring accessory ! Why is this off limits if you can help me with the rest ? Is there some kind of manual here?Huh, guys?"

Two equally innocent faces( well, one of them couldn't possibly be construed by any stretch of the imagination as innocent....still, he managed to look partially guiltless) greeted him -then both looked away ,rather rudely he thought. Clearly they were not averse to stonewalling him when necessary . He sighed. Well, two...or *three*can play at that game ! His eyes narrowed with impatience.

He had some pretty dandy ammunition up his sleeve as well . He used his militant 'I-can-outstare-you-any-day-buster'look .Always worked on the Mountie . Hmm. Not working .Away with the peashooter ,on with the scud missiles . He'd just have to think about how illogical the concept of , angels and devils was and....hey presto!..... they were fading out.

The leatherclad One looked worriedly over to his silk covered counterpart, grimacing . The Other shrugged ,gesturing him to stand firm .

Still not responding huh? Take this.

Ray consciously thought the most blasphemous thoughts possible about both factions .He persevered even when a sudden ominous thunderstorm and a gale began brewing outside the precinct building. Did the floor tremble slightly?As far as he could tell Chicago wasn't sitting on any faultline.He made a mental check to ask the Mountie to make sure ,then remembered that he wasn't speaking to him . Still the room smelt faintly of rotting eggs . And that lightning seemed to linger a bit ,twisting round the building, like a finger searching for something .I wonder why ? Must be a freak of Nature ,since there can't possibly be .....

Forestalling the theological debate he could see was imminent Ray shouted at the two miniatures of himself ."Hey ! Gonna tell me or am I gonna have to use the 'a' word......which is followed by a 't' then an 'h' and an 'e' and then an 'i' and then 's' and ..?"

"And he'll be right!" the one in White conjured up a chair and seated himself in it. "That's why you are in black. What were you thinking?!"

"He means that we have to know what goes on with the Mountie. How he thinks, what made him act the way he did etc. And we can't do that. So, that's why we can't help you with this particular problem!"

"You don't know why the Mountie acts the way he does? Well, you're not the only one! Hell! How do you know what goes on with other people then?!"

"We have to have conferences and negotiations with the other side and...."

"So, what's the problem here?"

"I have strict orders not to talk to his Representative from the Netherworld." The admission was practically dragged out of the One in Black , as he busied himself with the cuffs of his shirt.

"You can't talk to his Devil? And why not?"

"That's classified information, Ray! You can't expect me to tell you......."

"Suit yourself!" Ray leaned back and folded his arms. "Give me 5 seconds, and you'll find yourself out of a job."

"Look, if you don't tell him, I'm going to! Your going out of a job affects me as well, ok!" the one in White had paled a little.

"But orders are orders!"

"What crock! I'm sorry, Heavenly Father. Why do you think you are in this job?" teased the angelic being. "You have elevated disobeying orders into an art-form! You have 5 seconds, and I think he's serious."

"I am. And I'm still here, in case you have forgotten. Boy! If this is how it is for everyone, it's no wonder there are atheists around!"

"Shut up! What I mean, Ray, is that the other guy has not been conforming to the rules in the Netherworld. The only credible thing he has possessed the Mountie to do is that Victoria incident at the train station. The only thing in 20 years!"

"And which of you made me shoot him?" Ray's eyes narrowed a little but his eyebrows rose in surprise when he saw which of them had turned scarlet.

"So, we are at a deadlock here. The Devil can't talk to the other Devil because he has a conscience, and you, the Angel, can't talk to him, because he's on the other side?"

Absolutely unaware of his friend's consuming desire to club sense into him (repeatedly) Constable Benton Fraser gave himself , and his partner-in-crime..* No. No. We're the arms of justice...so it must be partner-in-punishment???or law and order??? *...a mental pat on the back . .His little smile of self satisfaction ( which to be fair , an ordinary person would hardly have noticed ) finally sent Det.Vecchio over the proverbial edge .

Audrey Lee and Hsu-Lyn Yap (copyright 1997)

12 January 1997

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so, do we start ducking the flames now? ;-) boy! It is getting warm in here!

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The trouble with most of us is that we have been innoculated with small doses of Christianity in childhood, which keeps us from catching the real thing.