Author's disclaimer: The usual disclaimer info.

Author's notes: My first attempt. Be gentle. Not beta'd.

Self Defense

I'm not afraid. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I'm not afraid, but I'm not stupid either. To put up with assault (for that is what it is) and not defend myself is stupid.

It's strange how I've only just realized this. I've lived with his attacks for a month now. There have been four so far, but they are becoming more frequent and I'm...well, concerned, I tell myself...not afraid.

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid...' I repeat the litany in my head as I walk into the shop. I'm not afraid, but I must protect myself. I shake my head slightly as I look over the store's selection.

I almost back out, frightened by my own actions, but lack of sleep and the shame of being beaten root me to the spot.

We've lived together for four weeks. At first, I thought he was just too rambunctious and needed to work off some steam. He's certainly a bundle of energy during the daylight hours. And I took that into account before I professed my love for him. With a glad heart I heard him mutter `I love you, too' before he dove in for our first kiss.

Remembering the passion and love of that first night has briefly derailed my thoughts and I spend a pleasant 10 minutes simply standing in the store with a silly grin on my face.

The sales clerk solicitously asks me if I need help and I drag my thoughts back to the matter at hand. Within a very short time I have parted with my cash and any chance of turning back. I have to protect myself.

I find it so difficult to discuss this with anyone. Well, actually, I find it impossible. I know of no one who can help me with this problem. The main reason is that while I'm certain that some close friends know we are a couple, we have done our best to remain discreet.

How can I tell people that I'm being attacked regularly by my partner? The embarrassment exists on many levels. First, I am a trained police officer, so I should know how to defend myself. Also, I'm bigger. We're the same height, but I'm at least 30 pounds heavier. I am deeply humiliated to find myself at his mercy after an attack. And, I am a man suffering at the hands of another man. I admit that this thought above all keeps me from actively seeking help. I must sort this out myself.

Today was the last straw. I didn't sleep well last night, a 1 a.m. "romp" as he calls it, caused me to lie awake and ponder my fate for the rest of the night. I know I still love him, I wonder if that means I am mentally unwell.

I was called into the Inspector's office at 10 a.m. I stood at attention before her desk as she slowly ran her eyes over me. I felt as if it was my first cadet review.

"Well, Constable," she snapped, "do you have an explanation for your less than optimal appearance?"

I briefly thought about using the "innocent Mountie" routine, but the sad truth is that I was too tired to care.

"No sir," I replied quietly.

"You don't have an explanation? A touch of the flu perhaps?" she asked.

"No sir," I said a bit unevenly. "I do not have an explanation."

"Very well. Take the rest of the day off to pull yourself together. I see you are not scheduled for duty this weekend so that should give you enough time. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes sir, I will endeavor to rectify the situation, thank you sir."

"See that you do, Constable," she replied. "I need efficient people on my staff. Dismissed."

I left her office in a daze, wondering just how I was going to "pull myself together" in three short days.

I knew that he'd be expecting to pick me up at the consulate, so I called him and told him that I had been given the rest of the day off and was going to the library.

"Well, I'll see you at home then," he replied, "maybe we can have some fun tonight."

I heard the implied threat in his voice and I knew that I would not be able to take another night like the last. After an hour of wandering aimlessly, I found myself outside the shop. Looking inside, I saw protection. I wasn't thinking clearly, I just wanted to be safe, to defend myself.

I hurry home and unwrap my purchase. Fearing that Ray might want to sneak home early, I carefully hide it in the bedroom within reach of my prone body. I am prepared. I can defend myself.

Ray comes home at 5:30 in a foul mood. Welsh had ordered him to clear up some paperwork. He abhors paperwork and I know that he'll be taking some of his frustration out on me. But I am ready.

We eat dinner as usual and watch a hockey match while holding and kissing each other on the couch. I like these times. It seems so normal. But I know the storm will come.

Ray casually suggests we get some sleep and I agree. I walk Diefenbaker while Ray showers and then take my turn in the bathroom when we get home. Dief elects to sleep in the living room, I think he has also become tired of our nighttime activities.

Ray snuggles up to me and slowly strokes his hand up and down my chest. I love it. He has me moaning in two minutes and I lean over for a passionate kiss with him. I'm afraid, but I know he won't attack me until I've fallen asleep and until after midnight.

He takes my cock in his hand and starts stroking me while fondling my testicles. My hips begin to thrust of their own accord and I'm helpless. I take another kiss from him and he pushes a finger into my perineum. I moan and it's all I can do to stay on the bed.

Ray kisses me softly and slides his body slowly down mine, kissing and nipping along the way. I gasp as he takes my cock into his mouth. He's got one arm holding down my hips and with his other hand he's gently stroking around my anus. I moan incoherently as he slips a finger in and slides it in and out. Another finger joins it and he curls them to find my prostate.

Combined with his mouth, the thrusting of his fingers is too much and I come, yelling his name. He continues to lick until I'm begging him to stop and only then does he release me. I'm floating down from an orgasmic high and briefly I feel warm and safe. Ray slides up to ravage my mouth with his own and I become wary again. I taste myself there but it's not unpleasant.

He's grinding his erection into my hip and rubbing my nipples as he continues to explore my mouth. I know what's coming and I reach for his penis, giving him a gentle squeeze. He moans into my mouth and thrusts into my fist.

I sense he's close as he pulls away from me and reaches into the nightstand. He lubricates his cock and nudges my hip to make me turn over. I slide a pillow under my hips and he's on me immediately. He plunges in without hesitation and I hiss in pain, but slowly I relax as he starts to move.

The painful pleasure of his thrusts excite me and I feel myself becoming hard again. I may be afraid, and tired, but sex with Ray is still wonderful. I feel like a teenager again.

I can feel Ray getting close as he reaches a hand under my waist and pulls me to my knees. His hand grasps my cock and starts stroking me in time to his thrusts. I've lost any ability to speak coherently and I'm on all fours pushing back onto him and forward into his fist.

Ray has gone from repeating "oh, yeah, oh yeah" to "oh...oh...oh" and then he comes. I am moments behind him with my second orgasm and then I collapse in a heap on the bed. As he is still in me, Ray is compelled to fall onto my back, both of us struggling for breath.

"Oh, God, Frase...that was fantastic."

"Yes, it was Ray, but I'm worn out," I pant. He doesn't notice my implied warning, he's too concerned with bringing his respiration and pulse down to a normal level.

"Let's cuddle up and sleep Ray," I suggest.

"Mmmm...okay," he agrees. He gently turns over and he's asleep in minutes.

I wait until I hear him breathing evenly and quietly slip out of bed. I go to the bathroom to clean myself up and take a good long look in the mirror. I am a tired man. The circles under my eyes and the sallow complexion tell the tale. I'm not afraid. I will defend myself.

Nervously, I climb back into the bed and begin my relaxation exercises. I find that I have to work very hard tonight to relax enough for sleep. Ray slides over in his sleep to wrap himself around me. He'll sleep deeply for the next two or three hours. After that, I fear, he'll stir and I'll be too tempting a target for him.

I dream of bears. I've heard of people dreaming of ferocious animals and seeing that as a warning. I assume that I have the same dream scenarios as others, but when my bear turns into Ray and tries to smother me with a pillow, I'm certain of it. I struggle to wake.

And Ray is watching me. Smiling. My mind screams out in terror and I lunge for the weapon I concealed under the bed. I grab it and roll to my feet in a move I'm ashamed to admit I visualized in my mind several times today.

Ray stops smiling, his eyes going wide. I turn on the bedside lamp and he can clearly see what I hold. The look of shock on his face becomes a sneer as he chuckles evilly.

"What's that Frase? Couldn't defend yourself like a man?" His tone is smug, but I sense an underlying fear in him. I swallow hard. I know he's more dangerous now.

"I'm defending myself. You won't be able to beat me tonight. I can't keep letting this happen. It isn't fair and I love you but I can't let you do this to me anymore," I jabber. I know I'm speaking quickly and I sound nervous, but I don't care.

"Do you think that you can stop me with that?"

"I hope so. I need my sleep. Thatcher reprimanded me severely today and gave me the rest of the day off to pull myself together' as she put it. This can't continue Ray, I don't want to leave you, so I thought I would try this first. Just quit attacking me and everything can go back to the way it was."

Ray's expression softens and he honestly looks like he is going to cry. I lean in towards him and he takes a swing at me. I duck and something inside me snaps.

With an inhuman roar I leap onto the bed and brandish my weapon. Ray jumps back quickly with a look of terror and finds himself backed up against the bedroom wall. I advance on him slowly and now he's the one reduced to jabbering.

"Wait a minute Fraser, I was only playing, it's only a little romp. I'll quit if you really want me to. Please...please don't use that...," his voices falters as he seems to be thinking.

"What is that, anyway Fraser?" Curiosity momentarily taking over from his fear. "Don't you have to have a license for that?" Ray asks. "I mean, they can't let just anybody walk around with something like that."

"It's called a body pillow', Ray. The woman in the shop told me that it's the biggest, heaviest pillow in the world. It's designed for people to wrap their bodies around while they sleep. However, if you force me to, I'll wrap this one around you."

"That's crazy, Fraser!"

"Well, Ray, most people use this pillow for its intended purpose. Most people don't have a lunatic lover who insists on drinking coffee with candy in it and smacking their partners senseless in their sleep with their pillow just because they're feeling a bit energetic."

"I'm sorry Fraser. I really am." Ray sounds contrite. "It's just that I've always had a tough time sleeping through the night and I used to have pillow fights with my brother and it was always such fun. They wear me out and help me get back to sleep."

"Well, I don't mind a bit of fun Ray, but I am not your brother and I can and must sleep through the night. Perhaps we could limit this activity to weekend nights when I don't have to get up and work in the morning."

"Okay. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have let it go this far. I've been attacking you for a while now. If I do something like this again, you need to tell me, all right? Maybe we should just get some sleep now. You really do look tired."

"I promise I will try to communicate my feelings to you more often Ray. And, about that sleep?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"It's a weekend night," I say as I wind up and slam my body pillow into the side of Ray's head.

Giggling from the floor, Ray attempts to crawl back to the bed for his own pillow but I'm straddling him in a heartbeat.

"Please Fraser, NO!" he screams as I trap him on the floor and beat him mercilessly with the pillow.

I'm not afraid anymore, and God it feels good.