STANDARD DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story, with the exceptions of Rachael Kowalski, Allie Mitchell, and Libby Walker, are the property of Alliance Films and Paul Haggis. This story is written solely for the enjoyment of the readers--no copyright infringement intended. However, we ask that you don't use Rachael, Det. Mitchell or Det. Walker in anything resembling slash. Thank you kindly!

Confusion

By Black Magic Woman and Amaroq Wolf

Series: SHAKING UP THE PRECINCT

Lyrics are from "Elsewhere" by Sarah McLachlan.

Sorry to keep everyone waiting again over the summer--now that I'm back in school I have steady access to a computer and I should get the fanfic ball rolling!!! I hope you enjoy this piece!!!--BMW

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I love the time and in-between
The calm inside me

In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance
I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in

Holding out and holding in

Constable Benton Fraser stood guard outside the Canadian Consulate.

He couldn't believe the reason why Inspector Margaret Thatcher had put him on sentry duty that day. It wasn't his fault that Constable Brighton didn't act civil to the Chicago Police Commissioner the previous day. He had tried to set an exemplary example for the other Constables that day. Nonetheless, Thatcher had accused him of being remiss in his duties and put him on sentry duty this day and the next.

Fraser put on a stone face for everyone to see, but he bristled inwardly at the absurdity of the accusation. It was Brighton's own fault, he thought.

His eyes strayed to a couple across the street. They were looking into a shop window, holding hands. The woman leaned her head on the man's shoulder, and the man turned his head and kissed the crease of her eye. The two seemed truly happy.

I believe this is heaven
to no one else but me
And I'll defend it
long as I can be
left here to linger
in silence if I choose to
Would you try to understand

Fraser's first instinct would have been to mentally chastise the couple for unchecked public display of private affection. As he studied the couple, however, he felt a sharp pang in his heart. He recognized it as envy.

I would give my right eye to have that kind of comfort and love that those two share right now, he thought. They seem so happy...like nothing could ever come between them...

"Ah, yes, I can remember the days with your mom, son." Fraser Sr. suddenly materialized next to his son.

"It must have been something special," said Fraser.

"It was indeed," said the deceased elder Fraser. "It still is."

As Fraser Sr. lost himself in his reverie--most likely from the first time he saw Fraser's mother--Fraser was losing himself in his own train of thought.

Could it ever have happened with Victoria and me?

His mind wandered back to the first time he saw Victoria...

There she was, practically frozen in the snow...

Fraser recalled how he found Victoria huddled near Fortitude Pass, frozen half to death. He remembered how he kept her alive for three days, comforted her...

...made love to her...

...and then turned her in to the authorities.

Fraser winced as he remembered the look in Victoria's eyes as she was taken into custody.

The look of betrayal on her face...the anger in her eyes as she was being led away...

Could I have let her go like that? Fraser asked himself.

Did I have a choice?

Could I have let her go and lied to my superiors?

"It was your duty, son." Fraser Sr. stood by his son.

"I know, Dad."

"Son, every criminal you turn in wins a victory for the people you live with."

"I don't know, Dad. I'm beginning to think that in this case, it was a Pyrrhic victory."

"I'm afraid you will never know that for certain, son." Fraser Sr. then disappeared.

Fraser let out a frustrated sigh as he regained his posture and stared straight ahead.

And remembered...

Victoria's return...she looked so beautiful...

...the look of ecstasy on his face and on hers when she came back...

...the way they ate...a flashback of how they ate all their food while they were stranded...the way they sublimated their sexual hunger...

...and acted on it only moments later...it seemed so perfect...

...then everything went horribly wrong.

Fraser stiffened as he recalled everything that happened after that night.

His fight with Jolly, who died violently moments later...Victoria's confession...

...finding out he and Ray had been framed...being arrested for Jolly's murder...

Fraser recalled the events leading up to the catastrophe...

...searching Ray's house for the key to Victoria's chest so he could find the money so Ray could keep his house...

...running after the train...Victoria's melodious voice calling after him...

"Come with me!"

...hearing only his breathing...her voice...

"You'll regret it if you don't!"

...fleeing the punishment inevitable after he stayed...

...the leap onto the train...the sudden burst of sound...

...the sudden excruciating pain in his lower back...

...the realization that he'd been shot...his descent from the train...

...lying in the hospital...aware of all the people he had betrayed...

Fraser wiped away a tear at the memory that hit him next...

...On Windsor Street, at the crime scene...Victoria lying lifeless at the foot of the stairs...her neck broken...

Could we have made it had she survived? he asked himself. What was she doing here?

What would have been Inspector Thatcher's reaction?

With that question, Fraser's mind wandered elsewhere...

The hijacking of the Musical Ride...him and Thatcher on top of the train...

...the critical moment of contact...

Fraser felt a surge of adrenaline course through him, turning his cheeks red.

What exactly happened? he asked himself. What possessed me to do that?

He searched his mind for an answer. Maybe I find the Inspector mildly attractive, but...for Christ sakes, she's my superior! Dating her would most likely prove extremely awkward.

Besides, he thought, I don't feel for her what she needs a man to feel for her. He gazed across the street, but the couple had long since departed. Not like I felt toward Victoria...

...or like Francesca felt toward me...

Fraser blushed furiously as he remembered that night when he got back to his apartment after being worked over by Frank Zuko's henchmen. Francesca Vecchio was waiting for him...with something up her sleeve...

Wait, thought Fraser, that lingerie didn't have any sleeves!!!

He blushed even harder as he remembered that moment when Francesca let her coat drop.

That piece she was wearing must have been painful, he thought as he recalled the leather-and-lace teddy that Francesca sported. However, if I wasn't so incapacitated that night from that beating...

A rush of blood swept through Fraser as he recalled his feelings. She looked so beautiful...

He looked down to find a rather embarrassing bulge in his jodhpurs. Oh, dear, he thought.

Ray would have killed me, he thought. He's very protective of his sisters. He shifted his attention away from the memory.

It would never have worked out, anyway, Fraser thought. And not just because of Ray, either. I just didn't have what she needed.

I hope she finds someone in the National Guard...

When Fraser looked down, the bulge was gone.

Will I ever find someone to share my life with?

"That's what I'm wondering," said Fraser Sr. as he rematerialized next to his son.

"Dad," said Fraser through clenched teeth.

"Well son, I'd like to see some grandchildren. I'm not getting any younger."

"Well Dad, that's because you're dead."

"That's what I keep hearing," said Fraser Sr. as he disappeared.

Fraser let out a sigh as he looked across the street. Either I want to wait, or they want to take it slow...

Like Libby...

Fraser found himself thinking about one of the new detectives at the 27th district, Detective Elizabeth Walker.

The way I first met her wasn't exactly orthodox, though...

Fraser recalled the day he first met Walker...and the left hook he had received from her...

She was angry, though Fraser.

He recalled later how the two spent over two hours talking in the break room that day...

...how Walker listened to his life story without yawning or rolling her eyes...

...how she comforted him and understood his feelings when Victoria's body was found...

Fraser suddenly felt his heart grow increasingly warmer as he thought about Walker.

...the sexual hunger that he felt toward her when Ray left to get lunch...

...the tenderness of Walker's kisses...

...the pleasantly different feeling he felt in Walker's arms...

...how he missed that feeling...

Fraser remembered how Walker had talked with him after the lady-killer had been put away.

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid and
I'm drunk in my desire

But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out
and hold me near
I believe...

I believe this is heaven
to no one else but me
and I'll defend it
long as I can be
left here to linger
in silence if I choose to
Would you try to understand

I was ready to put Victoria behind me, he thought.

...Libby didn't want to take chances, though...

A question popped into Fraser's head, taking him by surprise but at the same time somewhat anticipated.

Do you love Walker?

Fraser didn't know what to think. Do I?

Slowly, Fraser's mind wandered toward the memories of how he felt when he was with Walker.

It was almost like being with Victoria again, he thought. But there was something else...

It hit him. Serenity. Security.

There wasn't any foreboding.

With Victoria, I felt chained.

With Libby, I felt liberated.

Fraser remembered how Walker looked him in the eye during their talk.

Oh, the quiet child awaits the day
when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation

Oh Mother, can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel
is right for me
might not be right for you
but it's right for me

His memory strayed to the glimmer in her eye.

She felt that we were going too fast, but she didn't want to break up with me...

Fraser focused on the glint in her eye. That was hope, he thought. She was hoping that I wouldn't be taken, that I'd still be here.

"She loves you, son."

Fraser blinked. "What?"

"Detective Walker. She loves you."

"I know, Dad. I know."

"So what's the matter?"

"She doesn't know I'm over Victoria. She wants to wait until I am."

"Well son, it would seem logical for you to make the first move since she seems hesitant to." Fraser Sr. then disappeared again.

I believe this is heaven
To no one else but me
And I'll defend it
long as I can be
left here to linger
in silence if I choose to
Would you try to understand

Fraser thought long and hard about what his father said. Should I?

Do you love her?

Yes, I do. But I don't want to hurt her.

She'll be even more hurt if you don't do anything.

How will she know?

She'll know. Trust me.

Fraser sighed. Love is so confusing, he thought.

His eyes strayed down the road, landing on Ray Vecchio's 1971 Buick Riviera. Why is he coming here?

Fraser suddenly remembered. Ray was taking him to his house for dinner that night. He smiled, since he enjoyed dining with Ray's family.

Ray pulled up to the entrance to the Consulate as the clock struck five. Fraser's rigid posture slowly relaxed as he walked from his post and toward the car, where Detective Stan Kowalski was getting into the back seat so Fraser could have shotgun.

"Hello, Ray," Fraser said as he climbed into the Riv. Ray and Stan both smiled--he had gotten used to calling Stan "Ray", which was his middle name, so they just both responded whenever Fraser used that name.

"Hey, Benton buddy," said Stan.

"How are you, Benny?" asked Ray.

"I'm fine, thank you kindly."

"You've been thinking about something," said Stan.

"How can you tell?" said Fraser.

"You got that look."

"What is it?" Ray asked.

"Woman trouble," said Fraser?

"Who?" asked Stan.

"Is it the Dragon Lady or GI Jane?" asked Ray.

"Who's GI Jane?" asked Fraser.

"Walker," Ray and Stan said in unison.

"Oh." Fraser nodded. "'GI Jane', then."

"What about Walker?" asked Stan.

Fraser blushed suddenly. "I..."

"Do you love her, Benny?" asked Ray.

"I guess I do," said Fraser. He corrected himself. "No, I am absolutely certain. I love Walker."

"So what's the trouble, Frase?" asked Stan.

"She wants to give me space and time to get over Victoria."

"So what's so bad about that?" Ray turned the car onto Octavia Avenue.

"Nothing," said Fraser. "It's just I already have gotten over Victoria."

"So Walker doesn't know this."

"Exactly."

"So tell her," said Stan.

"How do I do that?" asked Fraser.

"That is a tough one," said Stan.

"Well, guys, we have before, during, and after dinner to talk it over," said Ray as he steered the Riv into the Vecchio driveway. "And I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving."

Stan and Fraser laughed. They were hungry, too.

"So Ray, how's Francesca? She send you anything yet?"

"Got a letter from her yesterday." Ray opened his door and pulled his seat forward to let Stan out as Fraser exited from the other side. "She met a man in her battalion and they've been hitting it off pretty well." Ray winked at Fraser. "So I don't think you have to worry about Frannie hitting on you anymore, Benny. But she told me to tell you she says hi and wishes you luck in finding someone."

"Tell her I said--"

"Let me guess," said Stan. "'Thank you kindly.'"

Ray and Fraser laughed. They knew it was the truth.

"So how badly did Francesca hit on you, Frase?" asked Stan.

"I think you better let me fill you in on that part, Stan," said Ray as the three walked up to the door to Ray's house.

THE END

Copyright 2000 by Black Magic Woman and Amaroq Wolf -----------------------------------------------------------------------

All raves and flames are to be directed to black_magic_woman1981@yahoo.com and amaroqwolf82@yahoo.com --we await your feedback! (No otters, please!)

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