Pairing: Renny/Ray K. (With a little bit of Benny/Ray V.)
Rating: NC-17 for graphic m/m sex.
Category: Drama! Angst!
This story is a sequel to "MOCKING THE LONELY HEART", which can be found on the Hexwood DUE SOUTH Archive. The first story was written without any sequels in mind, but then, with me, everything eventually turns into a series! :) So the stories will be under the umbrella title of "CRYSTAL RAIN". They will explore the relationship of two men who struggle with issues of low self-esteem and wildly different personalities, and we will see if they can make a go of it. Will Ray tire of Renny's inability to see himself as worthy of love? Will Renny begin to believe his self-worth and when he asserts himself, will that put his relationship with Ray in jeopardy? Will the past intrude upon the present? So many questions; so little time! :)
Comments can be made to: jeanniemarie@sprintmail.com.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, Alliance does, more's the pity.
(c) July 31, 1999
*I*
*BROODING*
*Ray Kowalski sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair and watched his lover Renfield Turnbull sleep. Renny was exhausted and needed as much rest as possible.
Ray sighed. He smoothed out the blanket, keeping a careful eye on his lover. The door of the hospital room opened and he quickly turned his head, relaxing when he saw that it was Ray Vecchio.
"Hey, how is he?" The Italian walked quietly but quickly over to the bed.
"Okay. He's just sleepin' right now."
Ray nodded and looked down at the sleeping man. The sadness in his eyes touched a chord in Kowalski's heart.
"We really oughtta have a talk with the Dragon Lady."
"Yeah," Ray K. said grimly.
"This sending our guys out to stand in deadly heat wearin' that red wool has got to stop."
"Yeah."
The older man reached out and lightly brushed Renny's cheek. "I'm glad he's okay."
Kowalski nodded. Ray turned to him and said, "It's gonna be okay." The younger man
shrugged. "Look, we all say things we regret."
Kowalski's head shot up. He could see the sympathy shining in green eyes and for a
second was angry, then he lowered his head. What right did he have to be angry at anyone?
A strong hand squeezed his shoulder. He kept his face averted. Oh, god, did Vecchio know?
"Benny's out givin' the nurse some more insurance information. He thought it would be better if he did it instead of Thatcher."
"Right."
Ray Vecchio pulled up a chair and sat quietly next to his colleague.
A few minutes later the door opened again and Benny walked in, Kowalski's intake of
breath sharp. The red serge was painful to see.
Benny stopped inside the door, taking in his lover's closeness to Ray Kowalski and looking over at his colleague in the bed. He stepped closer and asked in a quiet voice, "How is he?"
"He's okay, Benny. Just needs some sleep."
Relieved, Benny nodded his head. He put a hand on Kowalski's knee and said, "There's no need to worry, Ray. Renfield is just fine."
"Right." *No thanks to me.*
Benny brought a chair over and sat on Kowalski's other side. The three men were quiet, then Benny and Ray left to get Kowalski some coffee.
The blond Detective hadn't moved a muscle.
As they walked down the hallway, Benny sighed. "I'm afraid he's blaming himself, Ray."
"Well, what he did was pretty shabby, but I'm sure that Turnbull forgives him."
"That's the whole point. Turnbull *does* forgive him."
"Ah." Ray nodded his head in understanding. "You know, when I first heard what happened from Jack, I couldn't believe it. I know that Kowalski's a hothead, but to join in Tasher and Bartowski's verbal trashing of his lover! What was he thinking?"
"I don't know," Benny said unhappily.
"Check that. I know. He was afraid of them finding out that he was sleeping with a guy,
I'll bet. And let's face it, Turnbull's lovable, but he *does* get a little carried away."
Benny smiled. "True." The smile faded. "Still, it must have hurt him to hear Ray join in the mockery." A shadow passed over his face and Ray's heart ached.
*How many times did you hear stuff like that said about you, Benny?*
He was determined to never let that occur within his hearing, and he would bet a month's pay that Kowalski would be the same from now on.
Back in the hospital room Ray Kowalski brooded as he watched his lover sleep.*
*II*
*BEDSIDE MANNER*
*Pain.
It was the first thing Renny felt as he drifted up from consciousness. It wasn't of the physical variety, though he was experiencing discomfort from the heatstroke. No, it was emotional pain. He'd lost Ray.
*He's gone from me. He grew tired of me.*
A great sadness welled up in him. Couldn't he ever do anything right? It was as his father had always said, he was pathetic, a disgrace to the family. Oh, *why* couldn't he have been born with grace and style and intelligence?
"Hey, Renny."
His heart pounded. Only one person called him Renny. Could it be...?
"Right here, love. I'm not goin' anywhere."
He remembered. He remembered Ray's apology for the hurtful things he had said, his arms going around his sick lover and his plea for Renny's forgiveness. As if Renny would deny him that! Oh, never, never.
"R...Ray?"
"Yeah, right here, love." A warm hand squeezed his own. "You sure you don't wanna sleep some more? You need your beauty rest. Though, from here, you're lookin' pretty beautiful to me."
Renny felt a pang at the extravagant praise. Ray probably believed it, but how could he? He had a mirror. He was tall, and his body was in shape, but he was nothing special in the looks department. He hid that feeling and opened his eyes.
"Oh, Ray."
Ray's smile was pure heaven. The American leaned down and brushed Renny's lips. Renny wished for more but he was so tired! When Ray straightened up, he noticed the smiling faces of Constable Fraser and Detective Vecchio in the background.
"Oh, my! Thank you for visiting, gentlemen."
"Our pleasure, Renfield." Benny and Ray V. came over to the bed. "You gave us quite a scare."
"Yeah, buddy. You gotta give the Dragon Lady whatfor and tell her no more makin' like a cigar store Mountie on a day hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk!" the Italian chided.
Renny blushed at the very thought and both Rays laughed. They looked very nice together, Renny thought with a little twinge of unease.
"We'll let you get some rest," Benny said as he patted Renny's arm.
"Thank you, sir."
Benny nodded and he and Ray left. That left Renny's Ray, and he suddenly felt uncomfortable. Maybe because his Ray was looking distinctly uncomfortable.
"You want anything, Renny? Water? Maybe some juice from the machine?"
"No, thank you, Ray, I'm fine."
Ray slumped down in his seat, looking like an adorable ragamuffin. Renny had a sudden urge to run his fingers through the unruly blond hair.
Quiet settled over the room, and Renny wished that he could think of something to say. As usual, he couldn't, so the silence began to lengthen into embarrassing proportions. Finally Ray spoke.
"Listen, once they spring ya, I'll be here to take ya home. The Ice Queen has got to let you have some days off. You sure were red as a lobster."
"Ray, there's no need..."
Ray gestured savagely. "Yeah, Renny, there *is* a need. Now just close your eyes and rest."
"Yes, Ray."
Feeling awkard but a little hopeful, Renny obeyed.*
*III*
*"A LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN"*
Renny swung his legs around and leaned forward slightly as he sat on the edge of the bed. He had dressed himself but was now close to exhaustion. He hadn't known that heatstroke would be so debilitating! He was trying to decide whether to lean back against the pillow when the door burst open.
"Okay, time to blow this pop stand...! *Renny*!"
Renny jumped in startlement. "What, Ray?"
"What are you doing sitting on the bed? You're supposed to be resting! You're not supposed to exert yourself!"
"But, Ray..."
Ray made an impatient noise and grabbed his lover's arm. "Get back against the pillow."
Renny obeyed. He watched as Ray stomped to the closet and yanked out his lover's uniform. He had brought civilian clothes for the Mountie and was now handling the uniform roughly. Renny bit his lip to stop himself from cautioning Ray to be careful.
Ray gathered everything up and said, "Wait here. I'm going out to the car with your stuff and then I'll be back for you."
"Yes, Ray."
Renny waited, folding his hands on his stomach, his blue eyes staring up at the ceiling. He was still in that position when Ray returned.
"C'mon, let's go."
Renny started to get up but Ray immediately was at his side and helped him off the bed. Renny leaned into the smaller man and they walked down the hospital corridor and out to the GTO.
Renny settled comfortably into the familiar confines of the car and folded his hands in his lap. He allowed himself a sigh of relief. He liked it here in this car. It felt a little like home to him. He blushed. What would Ray say if he said such a thing?
Ray slid into the driver's seat and gunned the engine, barely glancing behind him. Renny clamped down a wince, keeping himself from grabbing the dashboard as they swung into traffic.
The ride was short and silent. At Renny's apartment house he helped the tired Mountie up the stairs and into his apartment.
"Thank you for bringing me home, Ray."
"And why wouldn't I?" Ray made an impatient gesture. "Stop thankin' me all the time, Renny."
Renny gave Ray a puppy dog look. Rolling his eyes, the American hung up the red serge and was more careful with it this time. The cop turned and Renny felt a jolt deep in his stomach. Was Ray angry with him?
"Renny, I..."
"Please, Ray, I'm sorry..."
"Damnit, Renny! Stop saying you're sorry! You have nothing to sorry about! *I'm* the one who screwed up!"
"No, Ray, please don't."
Ray gestured angrily. "Don't!"
Renny blinked, then lowered his head. He waited for scathing words to rain down upon him. His breathing was strained as he he heard the other man's harsh breaths. He didn't understand why Ray was so angry with him. Why should a simple apology get Ray so upset? Ray deserved an apology.
The words he expected to hear were long in coming. He looked up in hesitation, his heart thudding as he saw Ray's sad face.
"What is it, Ray?"
"Why do I always hurt you?"
Renny hurried over to Ray, ignoring his dizziness. He grasped his lover's arm and said, "You don't hurt me, Ray. You're very good to me."
"I hurt you with what I said."
Renny swallowed. "You were just trying to protect yourself."
"Protect myself!" For a minute, Renny thought that Ray was going to pull away. "From what, Renny? A big, adorable hunka man like you?"
"Ray, your image..."
"...is already down the toilet so why should I care what other people think about me sleepin' with a guy? But, *no*, I got to make like an idiot and make fun of you! Weren't you *angry* at me?" Renny shook his head. "Why the hell not?"
Renny cleared his throat. "Because I know what I am." He looked down at his shoes, blushing furiously. Before Ray could speak, Renny said, "I understand."
"How can you? Damnit, Renny, I said hurtful things about you!"
"I know." Renny gave his lover a small smile. He reached out and stroked Ray's arm, then withdrew. "I also understand how police officers can be about gay men. And I also know how proud you would be if your lover was Constable Fraser or Detective Vecchio. They are fine, attractive men whom any man would want the world to know about." The smile never reached Renny's sad eyes. "Instead you got me. An embarrassment. Goofball Turnbull. Idiot Turnbull." He ignored Ray's soft protest and rushed on, as if it had all been bottled up and now could no longer be held back. Tears streamed down his face, blurring his vision. "Clumsy, awkward Turnbull, a romantic sissy dolt who always says and does the wrong thing. Turnbull, who's big and plain and a joke in bed. Turnbull, who's so dull and stupid that he gets all the boring tasks and is so stupid he drudges through them without complaining. Turnbull, a moron whom the RCMP wanted to get rid of and sent away, while his family is glad to be rid of him."
The tears broke into full-fledged sobs. Mortified at his behavior, Renny tried to stop but the forces of sorrow were too strong. He felt thin arms go around him and was too broken to try and resist. He cried long and hard, his heart breaking as he throught that Ray would surely dump him now, because his pathetic confessions would glaringly illustrate how worthless he was as a lover and a man. Ray could never boast about or be proud of him. Pity was the best he could hope for, and digusted contempt was the most likely reaction.
*Ray was so ashamed of me, he joined in those officers' mockery of me. If he'd been proud of me, he would never have done that.*
He subconsciously registered the arms around him and the hand stroking his hair while soft words were murmured, but his throat nearly closed with his pain as his eyes hurt.
Finally, the storm subsided and he hiccuped like rain dripping off a waterspout. He realized he was sitting on the bed and couldn't remember that small journey. He tried to wipe his eyes and a handkerchief was pressed into his hand. He gratefully wiped his aching eyes and sore nose, crumpling the soggy linen in his hand as he looked down at it.
"I'm sorry, Ray," he croaked.
The fingers stroking his hair stilled. "What for?"
"For a shameful display." He sniffled and his free hand dug into his thigh with a painful grip.
"Aw, Renny."
Renny nearly winced at the pity he heard in his lover's voice.
**Ex*-lover! Oh, Ray, I'm so sorry. I very much wanted to be better for you. You're such a fine man. You deserve the very best.*
"Renny." He reluctantly allowed his tear-stained face to be tugged to face Ray's. He blinked as he saw Ray's sad expression. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Renny shook his head, regretting it as a headache began to throb. "No, Ray, *you* are the best thing that's ever happened to *me*." He wiped his eyes again. He was no great beauty, but now he must look a fright. "You're smart and quick and graceful. You have a dancer's marvelously slim body, heavenly blue eyes, and wonderful spiky blond hair. You're funny and brave and kind, and can't tell you how proud I am to be your lover." Genuine pride shone in watery eyes. He smiled shakily and patted Ray's thigh.
*I love you.*
Patiently he waited for Ray's response. At least with this dumping, Ray would be honest. No overheard mocking conversations about his pathetic lovemaking techniques or discovery of nude pictures and videos of him. Ray Kowalski was an honest and merciful man. One swift kick in the head and it would all be over. He could cry again tonight in his lonely bed. Goodness, he would have a lifetime to cry.
*I had a little piece of heaven. Now it's time to go back to purgatory.*
The silence began to stretch out. He began to grow nervous, sniffling as he wondered if Ray was going to drag out this scenario.
*I will *not* make a scene!*
He risked a glance at Ray. The smaller man looked at him, and Renny was shocked to see sorrow in cerulean eyes.
*He doesn't pity me?*
Ray's strong fingers squeezed his hand. "Renny, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize again for saying those nasty things about you. And you're someone to be *very* proud of."
Renny squeezed back. "Oh, Ray, you don't know how much I admire you. You always know what to say or do. You're quite a 'catch'." He smiled.
Ray looked incredulous for a moment. "Renny, I'm a guy who barely made it through high school. I was lucky to pass my Academy classes." He flushed a dull red. "I don't read so good." He shrugged. "I screwed up my marriage to Stella; I always mouth off to the wrong people at the wrong time, and I'm scrawny to boot. In short, I ain't no prize."
"Oh, no, Ray!" Renny started shaking his head, then remembered his headache. He settled for earnestness instead. "You are so quick and clever! You've got a dancer's body, as I said. You've been incredibly patient about my...my quirks and foibles. And as for your remarks, I understand why you had to say them. I also ac...accept your apology."
Renny stumbled over the last sentence. As hurtful as those words had been, he had accepted them. He had not been able to blame Ray. He had only been speaking the truth. His pain had come from the mocking aspect of it, far too reminiscent of a former lover's style.
"Aw, Renny." Ray squeezed his hand again. "You've gotten a bum rap before."
"Not anything I haven't deserved." Renny looked shyly at Ray. "And I have had the incredible bounty of our relationship." He was so overcome with emotion that he nearly said, "I love you," but stopped himself. He didn't think that Ray would appreciate that sentiment coming from him.
"Renny, I'm gonna show just how important you are to me."
Ray leaned forward and kissed his companion, a gentle, loving kiss that shook the Mountie. When they broke apart, Renny murmuring, "I must look awful, Ray."
"You look wonderful."
Ray started unbuttoning his lover's shirt and pushing him down on the bed. His lips began kissing every inch of bare skin, stopping at a nipple and sucking enthusiastically. Renny moaned, his arms encircling Ray.
The American's slender body moved over him like a dancer's choreography. Ray managed to get them both naked and slid up and down his Canadian's body with mischievous glee. Renny loved seeing the pleasure in those sparkling blue eyes.
They made love for a very long time, Renny eagerly following Ray's lead. He wanted to give his lover the most pleasure possible, and from Ray's moans and groans, it sounded like he was succeeding. He might not be the world's greatest lover, but he had a modicum of talent in this area. At least Ray was being satisfied, and that was all that mattered.
He sucked on Ray's nipple while the smaller man stroked his cock. Waves of pleasure stole through him. He gasped as Ray's fingers teased his ass next. He throbbed with anticipation.
"Ready, Renny?" Ray whispered into his ear.
Renny nodded eagerly and Ray chuckled. With great care, he prepared his lover and then entered him, Renny letting out his breath in a little *whoosh*! of pleasure.
It was exquisite, this feeling of being filled by Ray. He wished he could reciprocate but Ray had never expressed a desire for Renny to make love to him in this way, therefore, Renny never presumed to ask. He was simply eager to allow Ray the use of his body in a way that would supremely pleasure his lover. Ray pounded hard and long, then came in a burst of excitement that tore cries from two throats. Ray collapsed on top of Renny, the two men trying to catch their breath. Ray then slid out of Renny and curled up beside him, falling asleep.
Renny was pleased to lay there with his lover in his arms, listening to his breathing. He felt nearly overwhelmed with love for this man. Ray was incredibly good to him. He would give Ray all the love he had, in every way possible, even if it drained him dry. No matter what Ray wanted, he would give it to him. Because *nothing* was more important to him than Ray.
He gently kissed Ray's hair and sighed softly.*