Standard Disclaimer. Not mine, but they get to have more fun this way. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@mail.com or visit http://members.nbci.com/dueSou and http://www.learnlink.emory.edu/~sdelcul

It's complicated

--Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare--
--But anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bare--
--Savage Garden, "Tears of Pearls"

She was my first love. Sometimes I fear she was my only love. At first I thought we ended because she was unattainable. Me and Frankie Zuko's sister. Hah. But she remains the biggest love of my life, and after only a few minutes together I was right back in love with her. Perhaps it was so easy to get caught up in it all because I'd never really fallen out of love with her. We'd just been pulled apart by circumstances.

Now those circumstances include death and somehow I don't think we can recover from that. Or at least I can't. Irene is dead and what do I have to show for it? Louis is dead, and I almost ruined my friendship with Fraser because he helped an innocent man out of jail. Or was it because he dared use the word innocent about Zuko around me. Am I punishing Fraser for my cowardice? How do I find out?

Where does it start? The restaurant? That's almost the end of the story. Perhaps I should start about the only place I'm sure about. The cemetery where her funeral was just held. As her final wish Irene wanted us to stop fighting and we only just managed to do it for her funeral, and then only by both of us pretending the other wasn't there. We buried her in the Zuko family plot, in the same cemetery where my father was buried. In fact Father Dailey was also there when we buried good old Carmine.

So much of my life is for others. I'm a cop. I save people, make sure the bad guys get caught, or at least try to catch them, but I couldn't save Irene. Couldn't save Louis either. I can remember walking into that restaurant. I wasn't expecting any trouble, it's not like I have Zuko's birthday memorized or anything. I just wanted to celebrate my raise-- I swear I didn't even know Irene was back. In hindsight there's very little that I would change. I wouldn't be able to save Louis, that was beyond my control. But what if I hadn't been so blinded by anger at Zuko? What if I had listened to Fraser when he said that this wasn't Zuko.

If I had listened I wouldn't have berated him in front of the entire precinct. I wouldn't have been half-blind with anger when we were listening to the house. I might have acted differently when we went inside. Irene might be alive.

I'm supposed to go see the shrink tomorrow before I can go back to regular duty. What do I tell her? I'm too tired to be angry anymore.