Same old, same old, they're not mine. We all know the words to this song, so sing along.

This takes place a week after the events in Dangerous Profession, yeh sorry, you do need to read this one first.

Slight RAPE/NC warning, although nothing specific, that all happened in the last story, it is, however, referred to in this one.

Rated NC-17 for that very reason. Just better warn ya, this is m/m Ray/Ray yum/yum

The title was taken from a Bon Jovi song, for no other reason than it rocks.

Living on a Prayer

"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.

'Relax,' said the night man,

We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave,"

Hotel California- The Eagles

Ray sighed as he shifted his weight. He ached all over; Stan's couch definitely wasn't good for his back. Ray silently got up, padded into the small kitchen to fetch a glass of water, he wasn't looking forward to the morning. Welsh had told him that he had to get his ass back to work. He couldn't complain, Welsh had been great; he'd given him a whole week off to look after Stan. Ray was almost certain Welsh knew about them, knew they were more than partners. Yet he hadn't said anything direct or warned them. Standard procedure would be to split their asses up to other sides of the squad room, or even the city. Ray sighed as he looked out of the window. It was almost light. He'd have to leave for work soon; he didn't want to leave Stan alone. Not that Stan had done anything to cause him worry. On the contrary, Stan appeared to try hard to remain any semblance of normality.

Ray was worried when Stan refused adamantly to see a counsellor, he had been quite angry at the suggestion, saying he may be damaged but he wasn't loopy. The investigation into Milner's death was all over. IA had been crawling all over the station, but Stan had given a solid statement that no one could argue with. His lover however had edited out some details. Like the fact that he was raped. Ray had spoken to the doctor, as a policeman, not a friend, he knew he'd find out more that way. He nearly went out and killed someone when he'd found out what he'd already known. But the doctor had continued, saying that there had been traces of semen in Stan's mouth, the doctor had also told him about the strange burn on his hip, Ray was furious. They had said the burn would scar, but it may be possible to reduce it using cosmetic surgery and skin grafts, Ray still had yet to see the burn for himself. Stan had released himself, against medical advice two days later, Ray had insisted on staying with him. Stan had passed the preliminary psyche consult at the hospital; otherwise they wouldn't have let him leave. But Ray knew how good an actor Stan was, he was quite sure that his lover could fool them if he really wanted to.

Stan hadn't let up on the act either. There was no screaming fits of anger, no depression, nothing. Ray had expected some reaction, although Stan just remained quieter than usual. Ray was tired. He'd wanted to give Stan space so he'd suggested sleeping on the sofa. Stan had given him a strange look and for the first time Ray could not fathom what his usually expressive lover was thinking.

The sofa wasn't the most productive place to get a good night sleep.

He was a little worried about how Stan was healing, the doctor's had said, providing there was no infection both the burns and his colon would heal nicely in a week or two. He still fretted when Stan would wince after moving sharply. It took all of his willpower not to go to him and hold him. The only one thing that had changed a lot was their sex life, or lack of it. Ray wasn't selfish, he knew Stan would need time to heal; he'd give him as much time as he needed, but Stan would not tolerate any kind of physical contact with him. The few times he'd gone to hold his hand or put a friendly hand on his shoulder, Stan tensed up, he didn't say anything, but Ray could see it in his eyes, he was like a frightened rabbit, waiting to bolt. But what hurt Ray the most was when Fraser had come to visit, Stan had happily accepted the companionable hug and backslap the usually stoic Mountie had given him. That hurt. The fact that Stan had not only accepted the contact, unlike as he had done with Ray, but he'd actually laughed and smiled back at Fraser.

Stan had also taken to showering alone, Ray could hardly remembered the last time he'd showered alone since he'd started seeing Stan intimately. Even if Stan had just had a shower before Ray got there, he'd promptly strip off again and jump in with him. Ray had wondered about the burn as well, he was curious about how bad it was. Stan hadn't allowed him to see it. Ray hadn't seen him naked since he'd shot Milner and held the cowering man. In fact Ray hadn't seen Stan in anything except sweat pants. His lover had always hated wearing the things, so Ray had assumed the it was just because they were loose and didn't cling to the burnt skin, but Stan had assured him that he was feeling fine and it wasn't giving him much trouble anymore. When Ray had enquired about his other injury Stan had just blushed furiously and stuttered that the cream they'd given him was doing it's job.

That was one image Ray didn't need to be thinking about, Stan applying cream * there*. Especially when he was so horny even Stan in sweat pants was beginning to look the most erotic thing he'd ever seen. So he'd taken to getting intimately reacquainted with his right hand. He'd wait until Stan was sound asleep, kick off the covers and drag himself into an unsatisfying climax pretending his hands were those of his currently uninterested partner. Ray wasn't sure if he should feel guilty about fantasising about Stan, was that any better than what Milner had done to him? Using him without his permission. Surely it was better than fantasising about someone else? That was being unfaithful, wasn't it? Especially after what Stan had been through, besides Ray couldn't think of anyone he'd rather fantasise about, Stan had given him real life fantasies he could just relive, much easier than making one up.

Ray wondered how long it would take before Stan would allow him back into their bed. He hadn't seen Stan make any progress at all during the week he'd been out of hospital. He was healing fine, they'd told him on his check up, and could return to work in another week if he went to see a counsellor. That had sparked Stan up; he didn't seem so mellow then. Welsh had agreed, Stan had to see a shrink, Stan was pissed, and if looks could kill Ray was pretty sure he'd be six feet under by now. Stan hadn't spoke to him since that incident that was last night. Hence the reason Ray did not want to go back to work today. Fraser had promised to look in on him on his lunch hour and Ray was going in early so he could finish early to get back early.

Ray wasn't quite sure whether to wake Stan up to tell him that he was leaving, that he could ring him at the precinct if he needed anything. He might freak out, there wasn't any other reason to go in there, he'd started to keep his clothes in the small closet in the bathroom, thinking that it may make Stan uncomfortable to have him constantly invading his domain. He slowly crept up to the door and slowly pushed it until it was ajar, Stan was sprawled out on the bed, his limbs appeared to just be flung wildly, like a puppet with cut strings. The duvet hung half off the side of the bed, leaving him with a perfect view of Stan in his vest top and jockeys. His head was being flung from side to side as he whispered in his sleep.

"No, please, no. Ray help me, don't, stop it," it was cut off by a sharp sob. Ray, uncaring whether he was invading or not, carefully moved to shake Stan awake.

"It's okay Stan, it's just a dream," he repeated until Stan blinked unfocussed blue eyes in his direction.

"Ray?" he seemed confused.

"Yeah, you were having a nightmare, I was just coming to tell you that I'm off to work," Ray waited until Stan nodded uncertainly, clearly still fogged by sleep. Ray hadn't moved his hand; it lay restlessly on Stan's shoulder, the warmth of his lover's skin burning his hand with sweet temptation. But Stan, sill sleepy, hadn't protested to the contact so Ray, selfishly, decided to savour the moment a bit longer.

"Work?"

"Yeah, I got to go back today, are you going to be alright?" Steel blues eyes bored into his own,

"I'll be fine," he reassured, then seemingly without thinking grabbed the back of Ray's neck and pulled him down for a wet goodbye kiss, "haf a good day," he grunted as he rolled over, snuggling into what would usually be Ray's pillow. Ray stood, shocked, Stan never ceased to amaze him, but now he was confusing the hell out of him as well. It might have been a spur of the moment thing, he was still half asleep, it might not mean anything had changed, but Ray couldn't help but hope and practically bounced all the way to work.

0o0o0

Fraser knocked quietly on the door. He'd taken a cab to Stan's hoping to spend a little longer with him after promising Ray he'd look in on him. He knocked again, slightly louder hoping that he wasn't disturbing the detective's sleep. Fraser turned the door handle. Surprised to find it opened. After being attacked most people usually got paranoid about security provisions. He was also shocked that Ray would leave it unlocked; he had become very protective of Stan since the incident. He quietly snuck in, wary of intruders or sounds. Fraser knew Stan was alone, the GTO was parked outside, but the Riviera was gone.

Fraser looked around the apartment. Everything seemed normal, he spotted Stan curled up on the couch, wrapped tightly in a blanket and his head buried in a pillow. The deep, evens heaves of his chest reaffirmed to Fraser that Stan was in fact asleep. Fraser glanced at his watch; it was a quarter past twelve. Fraser was unsure what to do, should he wake him up. Unknowing this was exactly the same internal debate the Ray had had five hours earlier. The decision was taken out of his hands however when the shrill drill of the telephone cut through the silence, Fraser quickly grabbed the receiver before it interrupted anymore.

"Kowalski residence, Constable Benton Fraser speaking," he answered as quietly as he could, smiling as Stan grunted in annoyance at the disturbance to his sleep.

"Fraser I know who you are,"

"Ray," he greeted happily,

"How is he?" he demanded instantly,

"Well, I...,"

"Spit it out Fraser, he is at least there, right?"

"Yes, he's here," Fraser quickly reassured, Stan grunted again as he lifted his head in annoyance to look at Fraser.

"Well what's wrong?" Ray demanded sharply,

"Nothing Ray, everything is fine," Fraser clarified, "I just couldn't answer your question because until you rang Stan was asleep,"

"Oh," Ray sighed in relief, "sorry buddy, I'm just a bit tightly strung at the moment,"

"So it would seem," Fraser commented wryly. Stan had by now padded over to him and was motioning to him whether he'd like a drink. Fraser nodded, "I'd better go Ray,"

"Sure," came the disappointed reply, "tell Stan I'll be home by four."

"Of course," Fraser replied as he put the phone down. Fraser was worried about Ray. Sometimes he thought Stan was handling this whole thing better than Ray was. Stan handed him a steaming cup of bark tea, sipping at his own cup of coffee as he re-tangled himself in the blankets on the couch.

"Ray said he would be home by four," Fraser informed him as he sat in a chair opposite Stan.

"Of course he will," Fraser thought that was an odd thing to say, apparently his confusion showed because Stan began to elaborate, "he wouldn't dream of letting me out of his sight for longer than that, which is precisely why he sent you around here to come and check on me."

"Well it's only because he cares, I know he can be a bit suffocating at times but..."

"I know and I'm grateful, to both of you, I just feel like everyone's watching me, waiting for me to crack, or eat my gun or something, it's like living in a goldfish bowl." Fraser got up hastily to leave,

"I'm sorry if you feel we're invading your privacy, it was just that we were worried about you. I'm sorry, I'll leave at once," Fraser practically ran towards the door.

"Fraser!" Fraser halted, his back to Stan. He hated that his friend really thought that about them.

"Yes Stan," he replied as normally as he could.

"Fraser, look I'm sorry, I'm still in insensitive bastard mode. I really appreciate all that you've both done for me. I just tend to get grouchy and forget that if it wasn't for you I'd have driven myself insane a long time ago." Fraser turned and saw the sincerity on Stan's face and he went to slowly sit back down.

"I'm sorry Stan, I just, I don't really know..." Stan smiled at him in understanding,

"You don't know when to take me seriously? Don't know what to say?" Fraser nodded, "maybe this'll help," Stan slumped down, a cheeky grin plastered over his face, "what the Ice Queen make you do today? Play toy soldiers?" Fraser smiled, that was easier, and he just tended to forget that Stan was still the same man. He didn't know what he was expecting, maybe that Stan would be altered so drastically that he wouldn't even recognise him.

They sat and talked for nearly half an hour, Fraser told Stan about how Dief had urinated on the Inspector's office carpet, in spite, after the whole 'shoe incident'.

Fraser had relaxed, Stan was the same, he'd still laughed and joked along with him, everything was fine until Fraser asked why he was sleeping on the couch, not in the bed where he'd be more comfortable. Fraser cursed himself as Stan blushed and lowered his eyes, fisting the material of the blanket in his hands.

"It smells like Ray," he admitted shyly, still not meeting his eyes, Fraser smiled, it was probably one of the sweetest things he'd heard coming form that coarse Chicagoan mouth.

0o0o0

Ray rushed home that night, slightly reassured by Fraser after he'd spoken to him once he'd gotten back to the consulate. He opened the door, looked around, Stan was nowhere to be seen, Ray panicked slightly but decided he desperately needed to relieve his bladder before doing anything. He quickly opened the door and walked into the steam filled room, and was surprised to find a naked Stan getting out of the shower. Ray was pleased that he didn't move to cover himself up. He'd missed seeing Stan like this, his skin flushed from the heat of the shower, his hair, soaked and plastered down to his head. Stan was blushing furiously as he stared at the floor, not looking at Ray. Ray's eye's traced a path along his lover's body, down his muscled yet lean chest which was still slightly mottled with bruises. The thin line of pubic hair that started just below his naval and travelled down to... that's when Ray noticed the burn, the rage that flowed through him at that bastard marking his lover didn't abate his arousal. He noticed the burn was not a number, as he was expecting, but the letter 'R', he was confused. Stan's demeanour changed from being limp to stressed and Ray looked up at his lover who had caught him staring at the burn. Stan's eyes were large and glassy.

"I disgust you," he stated simply, quietly, looking back down at the growing puddle around his feet. Ray noticed a single tear snake down Stan's cheek and hang off of his chin. Stan had mistaken his blatant curiosity for repulsion and distaste.

"No," Ray hotly corrected.

"It's okay," Stan assured, looking at him with miserable eyes, "I even disgust myself,"

"That's what you think?" Ray asked him in disbelief,

"I tol' ya it's okay, ya don't have to stay here out of guilt or...or.... misplaced sense of duty," Stan's eyes remained fixed on the floor as if it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

"Stan, look at me," he commanded, pleased that his voice came out even and authoritative, "look at me!" Stan reluctantly dragged his eyes up to meet Ray's, closed them tightly for a second as if he was in great pain, wrapped his arms around his chest in a protective gesture then met Ray's gaze, "I don't feel guilty, what happened was nobodies fault but Milner's, and as for duty, I'm not Fraser, I wouldn't put up with your grouchiness just out of duty. I'm doing this because I love you, because I don't want to have to live without you. Even the grouchy you is better than no you at all."

"You're sure?" Stan asked uncertain,

"If you think I'm going to repeat that you've got another thing coming, I've got a rep to keep up," this got Ray a smile, an actual smile that reached his eyes. It disappeared quickly, Stan turned serious again.

"Why didn't you want to go to bed with me?"

"Oh, believe me, it wasn't because I didn't want to," Ray sighed, he knew the look Stan had given him now, he was hurt, it was the look he would have had if he had just been stabbed in the heart, not too far from what he'd actually done, "you needed time, so did I, if I'd have been so close to you, knowing that I couldn't touch you, that would be like torture. I though it was what you wanted, what you needed and then you wouldn't let me go near you, so I never suggested that we should share the bed again." Stan searched his eyes, looking to see if he was being genuine. Apparently satisfied, he smiled. Ray pulled him into a hug. Luckily Ray had worn jeans and a tee shirt to work so his Armani suit was saved from being ruined by a naked, soggy Kowalski. Ray leaned into the embrace, savouring the moment that had become rare in the last week. He felt his quickly renewed arousal at the contact.

"I'm sorry," Stan apologise,

"What for?" Ray murmured against Stan's neck,

"I've been neglecting you," Stan explained as he caressed the growing bulge in his jeans.

"You don't have to..." the rest of Ray's sentence was lost as Stan slipped his hand inside his boxers after undoing his fly.

"I want to." Stan repeated adamantly. Ray pulled them both back into the bedroom, dropping himself on the bed first, leaving Stan in charge. Hoping it would make him feel more relaxed and confident about it. Stan quickly divested him of his clothes, which were thrown haphazardly around the room in various directions. He saw Stan waver once he was naked, unsure what to do, looking at his straining arousal dubiously. Ray reached up and took his hand gently.

"It's okay, we don't have to,"

"I. Want. To,"

"Do you?" Ray asked, noting his partner's un-aroused state.

"I. Want. To," he repeated, snatching his hand away from Ray's, moving purposely to stroke his erection, only to have it caught by the wrist in Ray's strong grip.

"You don't have to, I don't need this, I can live without it," Stan's only answer was to use his other hand to pump his erection, out of surprise Ray dropped his grip on the other hand and grunted in approval.

"Don't need this, huh?" Stan asked in a bitter, smug voice as he flicked his thumb over the tip, causing Ray to moan and writhe, trying to buck up into the sensation. Stan had started to pump himself in the same rhythm. Ray was pleased that at least his lover was aroused as well. Stan leaned over him and caught a nipple in his teeth, only to have it licked and soothed, Ray knew he wouldn't last very long if Stan kept that up. Stan, sensing his urgency, upped the tempo, pumped harder and faster until Ray was dragged to the edge, coming in a sticky mess all over Stan's fingers. Stan rolled off of him onto his back, still thrusting into his own fist. Ray leant up, swatting Stan's hand away. Ray studied him, he didn't look scared or apprehensive, growing bold he reached down and cupped Stan's balls, playing with them for a bit, then he brought his other hand to match the same cadence on his cock. Stan still appeared to be relaxed, encouraged, Ray leant over and kissed the tip, licking off the drop of pre-cum that had settled there. Stan moaned gratefully. Ray deep throated him, reaching up with one hand to play with one of his lover's sensitive nipples; Ray hoped that would distract him. His other hand took an exploration of it's own, caressing his lover's flank, still only to be met with the happy moans coming form the top of the bed. Unthinkingly, out of habit Ray's finger drifted down to caress Stan's puckered opening. He felt Stan tense instantly under him at the sensation; Ray cursed his own stupidity and insensitivity. Ray released his lover's erection and looked up into the large frightened eye's looking back down at him.

"I'm sorry," Ray apologised quietly,

"No, don't, I just... I can't... it's a little, um..."

"Sensitive?" Ray supplied sympathetically.

"Yeh, I, it kinda took me by surprise, ya know?"

"Can I?" Ray motioned with his head, asking if he should continue, planting his errant, trouble-making hands firmly on Stan's hips.

"If you want to,"

"What do you want?" Stan looked slightly taken aback by the question,

"What you were doing was nice," he smiled down at him,

"Only nice?" Ray asked in mock hurt,

"It was bloody fantastic Vecchio, and ya'd better continue otherwise I'll jump Bogart all over ya," he growled, but smiled throughout. Ray once again swallowed him in one go. He sucked and bit gently, knowing his lover liked just the right amount of teeth. It didn't take long for Stan to come under such an assault, especially as Ray's hands once again wandered up to his nipples and tugged gently at them. Stan growled Ray's name deep in his throat as he came, Ray swallowed every spurt of semen Stan shot. Stan collapsed back on the bed boneless, his breathing coming in harsh pants. Ray crawled up to lie next to him, kissing him soundly on the lips. Stan sighed happily against him, puffing out warm air over his face.

"Thank you," Stan whispered as he curled up next to him, Stan resting his head on his shoulder.

"You're thanking me for a blowjob?" Ray asked incredulously,

"It was fantastic, but no I'm not. I'm talking about earlier, the whole shebang. Finding me, killing Milner, caring enough to sent the Mountie over, putting up with my grouchiness, telling me you love me," Stan lifted him head and smiled up at him, Ray felt uneasy, he'd said it on the spur of the moment, he'd meant it, he just wasn't sure whether Stan had wanted to hear it, "I love you too." He whispered quietly as he replaced his head back onto Ray's shoulder. Ray gripped him tighter happily, never wanting to let him go.

They slept that way peacefully all night.

The End