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Please Hold

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

--Savage Garden, "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine"


It was almost midnight when his cell phone rang. "'Lo?"

"Ray?"

He recognized his youngest sister's voice immediately. "What's wrong?"

"Oh Ray, I need you."

Her voice worried him greatly. It was hesitant and unsure. Not qualities that she usually displayed. "What happened? Are you okay? Frannie - are you hurt?"

"Just come."

"What -" The dial tone didn't hold any answers. Even without his experience as a cop, he knew that late night calls were usually not good. Speed limits were suggestions; he had the right of way.

Pulling up to her cute little box house complete with picket fence, he reached for the doorbell just as she opened the door. Her face was swollen from where she'd been crying, and a bruise was forming around her eye.

"What happened?"

"My bastard of a husband hit me."

He saw red. Unconsciously his hands tightened into fists and he turned to go find Pauli.

Francesca didn't have to read his mind to know what he was considering. "Ray, no!"

He fought her hold. "Let me go!"

"It's over, Ray. My marriage is over."

Her tears were the only thing that could have stayed him. Trying to console her, he sat on the couch comforting her.

"It'll be okay, Frannie."

"No, it's not! Look at me, Ray, I'm, I'm, I'm - " Looking in the living room mirror she sobbed at her reflection.

Feeling hopelessly inadequate, he pulled her into a hug, ignoring the tears staining his bright silk shirt. "I promise, Frannie, everything will be okay."

"What am I going to tell Ma? She'll never understand."

"You can't stay with him, Frannie. She'll understand. She didn't say anything when Angie and I got divorced."

"I know that. But God, Ray, I can't, this is different. You have to promise not to tell Ma what happened. I'll tell her he was cheating or something."

"She'll understand that. So did Pop."

"What!"

Well, he had opened his mouth, whether he intended to or not. "Pop was cheating on her too."

"How did you know?"

"I was the one who had to bring him home for dinner. He wasn't always playing pool. I hated lying to her about it, but I couldn't hurt her like that. He didn't deserve her, and Pauli doesn't deserve you."

"Thanks, Ray. You're a good brother, you know that?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a god."

Her giggle became an undignified snort and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose on his handkerchief.

"Let's go home, Frannie."

She nodded, and they went home. By the time Ray crawled into bed, it was two in the morning and he was bodily exhausted. Wearily he pulled the covers over his head, gamely trying to hide like he had when he was a little boy. It didn't work. In the morning he went to work and life went on day by day.


Have you ever seen one of those perpetual motion things? That's what I feel like right now. I'm moving all my various parts, I get up, I go to work, I do my job, I come home. And I go to bed. And wait.

I don't sleep much. Mostly I wait in the dark for something to happen. Then it's morning and I can get up and pretend that what I'm doing is important. And I get up and I go to work and I do my job and I come home. And I go to bed. And wait. For something.


I'm pulled down by the undertow
Never thought I could feel so low
And oh, darkness
I feel like letting go
With all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace

--Sarah McLachlan, "Full of Grace"