Rating/Warning: R - language, m/m thoughts.
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I'm playing and I'll put them back, I promise. They might be a little damaged, but hey....
Spoilers: none, unless you don't really know where Ray Vecchio went during seasons 3/4
Summary: Sleepless in Las Vegas.
Notes: Sally, this one's for you because you asked so nice! The title doesn't quite work with the other "Un-"s but, hey, ask and ye shall receive :)
It's unbeta'd! My mistakes and weirdness.

Feedback is good for the soul!

UNDERCOVER - June, 2000
by Ashinae

The shower is hot and steamy and just about perfect. The only thing that could make it more perfect would be for the shower curtain to be moved aside and there to be a certain naked Mountie right about to join me. I'd pull him to me and kiss him and run my hands over his body and his hands would be all over the place too and then he'd drop down to his knees and...

My fantasies wash down the drain as I turn off the water and step out of the shower. I grab a towel and dry myself off, then, pulling on a robe, I head out to my--the--bedroom.

I wonder what he's doing right now.

I flop down on my big comfortable bed and stare at the ceiling.

Well, it's not *my* bed. This isn't my life. God, I miss Benny.

If I close my eyes, I can almost feel him here with me. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him? I like to think he does.

What I wouldn't give to be in Benny's arms right now, this very instant. It's been a long, *long* day and on long, *long* days Benny would always hold me, or rub my shoulders, and he would kiss it all better and we'd fall back on his bed and we'd make love, and he'd always be so gentle and he loved me so much and I wonder if he still loves me now?

Does he think about me?

I gotta wonder what Kowalski thought when he saw Benny for the first time. I just hope he doesn't have eyes for Benny because if he does and I hear one thing about him laying a hand on *my* Mountie, I will kill Kowalski five different ways before he hits the ground.

I know Benny'd never betray me.

It would kill me if he did. He'd never do that to me. It's spiky-haired, badly-dressed blond detectives that worry me.

I can't lose Benny. Because if I lose him life wouldn't be worth living anymore and then I'd have to kill Kowalski--because God knows it would be all his fault--and then I'd be in jail for life and Benny would never speak to me again and good *GOD* why am I thinking things like this? I have to calm down and get a grip.

I look up at the ceiling again and I allow myself a little tiny smile because it's all going to be over soon.

Real soon.

I just know it. I can go back to my life and my job and my Benny.

I think I'll ask him to marry me. I know there's gotta be someone somewhere who'll do us the honour. I'll go back to Chicago and surprise him and he'll be so happy to see me. I'll irritate the Dragon Lady--well, there's one part of the whole "my life" thing that I can *definitely* do without, yuck--until she lets Benny have the rest of the day off, and we'll go out for lunch and I'll take him back to his apartment and we can make love and spend the rest of the day in bed and then I'll cook him dinner. And then we can make love some more. Because I'll *never* get enough of that and the day that I do it'll probably be because I'm dead.

Closing my eyes again, I can picture the smile on his face when I walk into the Precinct... and if he's not there, well, I'll just have to go to the Consulate and oh Lord, it'll be absolute torture if he's standing on guard for Canada.

I'll talk to Benny... tell him I'm ready to tell my family. Because if I've survived the past thirteen months, I think I can survive telling my family the truth about us.

And then I'll take him somewhere very private and we can...

I jump up and find myself pacing.

This is the biggest fucking mistake I have ever made.

Oh, God, I might have lost Benny completely. I can't contact him, I don't know how he's doing, oh *fuck* I don't even really know if he's okay. I mean... No way am I going to think *that* because it's just not possible and there wouldn't be any reason at all to live if he's been--no, not Benny, not *my* Benny because Benny's invincible and nothing will ever *ever* take him away from me, because he loves me and he'll wait, he's waiting, he'll wait forever if he has to and oh Goddammit all I think I'm going to cry--

I want my Benny. I want to go home. I want out, I feel trapped and I hate myself more and more each day and I just want my life back. I'm ready to go and rip it right from Kowalski's grasp and take my Benny home and ravage him because I'm sure he'll appreciate that. They both should. I mean, I'm miserable leading this life, why should Kowalski be happy leading mine?

I give a sigh and collapse on the bed again.

A bed's not a bed if you don't have a Mountie to share it with.

I close my eyes and before I know it, I've fallen asleep. Dreaming the most incredible dream of Benny--Benny, here with me, in my arms, in this bed, with me, *in* me and oh God I'll never forget how that feels, how it feels to be loved by somebody like Benny and--

I wake up and I cry because I am *such* a bastard for leaving him, and I will understand if he just punches me the instant he sees me when I get home. I deserve it and I don't deserve his love so Goddammit why do I even try?

Because I'm gonna love him forever. I can't stop. Nobody could stop loving Benny, it's just impossible. He's too good. Too good for this world, too good for me to have left him, and what is *wrong* with me?

I want to go home. I want to go to Benny and see if he still wants me, and if he does, I'll be the luckiest man alive. If he doesn't--

I don't want to think about that. I can't let myself think about that.

Five days.

Five more days and I'm on the next plane for Chicago. I can go home in five days. I've been "told" and I'm outta here so fast in five days.

Five more days of this life.

And then, I'm Ray Vecchio again.

Life couldn't get better.