UNFAITHFUL - July, 2000
by Ashinae

I haven't seen Ray in two weeks. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I have been thinking about him constantly for two weeks.

I have loved him for three years. And now... Now, I don't know what to do.

Inspector Thatcher grows increasingly... waspish--with my behaviour each day. I am constantly being banished to sentry duty. She... kicked me out of the Consulate four days ago. I had to find an apartment very quickly. It's very similar to the one on West Racine.

Turnbull--*Turnbull*--looks at me with *pity.*

I saw Mrs. Vecchio at the grocery store a few days ago. She asked if everything was all right between Ray and I. I put a smile on my face and told her, "Of course. We're both just very busy."

She saw through it instantly, but didn't say anything.

This is all my fault. I can't lie to myself about it. I can't blame Ray for not wanting to see me. I just wish... I wish we could have...

I want to talk to him. Just--just to tell him, at least, that I'm sorry for betraying him. I know it's not adequate, but it's all I can really do.

I acted... inappropriately, rashly, and now Ray has to pay for it. There is no end to my suffering, but *his* suffering is what hurts me. I don't deserve anyone's pity or concern. *He* does. He has to pay for my stupidity.

When I pick up the phone and call Francesca, I'm not entirely sure why I do it. One of the first things she asks me is whether or not there's a problem between Ray and I. This time, I tell the truth, at least to a certain extent, and let her know that, yes, he and I have had a falling out. Then I ask her if there is any way she can get the family to leave the house for an evening so I can go over and talk to Ray, alone. She agrees, and promises to call me back

It's a disgusting word, isn't it?

*Unfaithful.*

He cheated on me.

No matter how it's looked at--the whole Kowalski *thing*--Fraser still cheated on me. I don't doubt him that there were no *feelings* involved, except probably a lot of anger on Fraser's part, to make him... do *that* to Kowalski. But unfaithful's still unfaithful and that's all there is to it. He was with someone else, while I was... gone.

So imagine my surprise to hear the doorbell ring, open the door, and see Fraser standing there on my front porch. I am *this close* to slamming the door in his face, but when have I ever said "No" to him? Never.

"Fraser."

"Hello, Ray."

Silence.

He quietly clears his throat. "May I come in?"

*No. Never again, Fraser, you're not allowed around here, around me, in my life, anywhere I've been.* "Yeah, sure."

*Weak, weak bastard!*

I step aside and let Fraser in. He glances around almost nervously and then looks at me. I stare back at him. "What?" I ask finally. "What are you here for, what do you *want?*"

He rubs his eyebrow with his thumbnail. "Ray, I--I just want to... We need to..."

I sigh, shake my head, and walk into the living room.

"We need to talk, Ray," he says finally.

*Get out of my house, you bastard.* I sit down on the couch. "Then talk, Fraser."

And he says something I'm not expecting to hear, am not ready to hear yet.

"Ray, I'll always love you. But I know I have to let you go."

If I'd been standing, I'd have fallen right over. Thank God I'm sitting.

Instead of reacting the way I want to, I jump up and start yelling at him.

"No, Fraser!" I shout. "That's not the way it works!"

He blinks a few times, takes a step back. "Ray, I--"

"Shut the fuck up! Don't you *get* it? *You* betrayed *me* and so *you're* the one who's supposed to suffer the loss! Not *me!* I get to be miserable because you fucked somebody else, I get to be angry with you and hate you and who the hell do you think you are? You lost me, Fraser, that's all there is to it. You screwed everything up because the one time in your life you don't think about anybody else, you fucking sleep with Kowalski! You're not allowed to act all noble and suffer quietly, that's just the way it is!"

And his voice tears through the otherwise quiet house, shocks me, I think shocks him in its intensity and volume.

"You *abandoned* me!" he shouts. I've never heard the man that loud--I actually think it qualifies as a scream. "You left me *alone,* Ray! Vulnerable and alone, after everything we had been through, after I gave you my *life.*" And, yeah... he's more-or-less screaming at me. "I had never gone through *anything* here without *you!* You were the centre of everything, and all of a sudden you were *gone,* and I didn't know what was going on." He comes around the couch and stands right in front of me and continues... screaming. "I had never been more *lost!* I didn't know if you were ever coming back, or what you were doing, but for a year, all I did was think about *you.* And what I did *wrong* to make you leave while I wasn't even *here.* Were you going to tell me, if I had stayed? Or were you so ashamed of me that you waited until I went away before leaving? How--"

He stops suddenly and just seems to collapse in on himself. His eyes widen when he realises he's been shouting in my face, his entire body is shaking and his knees just give out on him as he sinks down onto the couch and buries his face in his hands.

"I'll accept the blame for this, Ray," he says, voice muffled. "But maybe for once I *deserve* to be a little selfish." He looks up at me, and his face is streaked with tears, but he's glaring at me. "You *abandoned* me," he repeats. "*Left* me here. We betrayed each other, Ray. Face it. We're *both* to blame for everything that has happened." And he looks away again.

Fuck him.

"Kowalski sure as hell seemed proud of--"

"Proud of... what I did to him?" he demands, and his voice is harsh from yelling and anger. And he laughs... Normally, I enjoy the sound of a laughing Fraser. But this sound is... hollow, self-mocking. "Oh, of course he is."

I almost want to call him "Benny" again, I almost want to pull him into my arms and hold him and apologise for everything I'ver ever done and promise that I'll try to forgive him. But instead I just sit down next to him on the couch.

I don't think there *is* a way to get through this.

I don't expect him to apologise for leaving.

I don't expect him to forgive me for betraying him.

I didn't expect to feel any better after yelling at him the way I did. To be honest, I never expected to lose control like that, and I feel horrible.

We sit there in absolute silence for two full minutes, both of us staring straight ahead. Then I feel his hand touch mine, and slide underneath it, his fingers lacing with mine.

His eyes are shining with tears when I raise my gaze. I look at our hands, then up into those pain-filled green eyes.

*Green eyes that will always haunt my dreams.*

"I love you, Ray," I whisper brokenly to him. "I will always love you."

"But I can't forgive you, Benny," he says, and I long to wipe his tears away. "You betrayed me. I... I know I didn't treat you all that great before. I was ready to commit to you. I--I was going to ask you to... marry me. I can't do that now."

A lump rises in my throat. "I..." I can't continue. I just nod, and pull my hand from his. I stand up. "Goodbye, Ray," I manage. With that, I turn and walk to the door... once again, half-hoping he will follow, or call out to me, *something,* the other half knowing he won't.

He doesn't.

As I close the door behind me, I hear the sound of glass shattering against a wall.