Even for the Vecchio household, today was rather... lively. After nearly a year and a half, Ben still hadn't quite got used to it. Today, of course, it wasn't just the Vecchio children, but Fraser's school friends as well. Add in a few parents, some Vecchio aunts, uncles and assorted cousins, some of his and Ray's friends from the Precinct and the Consulate... Ben decided to take refuge in the kitchen.
It was no better in there. Mrs Vecchio was putting the finishing touches to Fraser's birthday cake while giving detailed instructions, in Italian, to Maria as she whipped up some calorific nightmare of a dessert. Two Vecchio aunts were consulting together over a punchbowl for all the world like two of the three witches in Macbeth. At least, he assumed they were Vecchios. He'd never seen them before, but there was a distinctly familiar look about their noses.
There wasn't any point at all in going into the lounge. The Vecchio men would be in there, and probably Lt Welsh as well. They would all be watching some sporting event on the TV and it most certainly would not be ice hockey.
As he stood hesitating in the hallway, Ray slid out of the lounge holding a large bowl containing a few kernels of unpopped corn.
"Hey Benny. You wanna join us? We're watching the game."
Ben sighed. The game? Even now, after eight years in the United States, he still didn't know what games were played at what time of year. The game Ray was referring to could be football, baseball or basketball for all he knew. He had no idea which teams might be playing. Still didn't know whether the Bulls played baseball or football...
"Thanks, Ray, but I think I'll pass on that if you don't mind." He could always take Dief for a walk, he supposed. If he could drag the wolf away from the children's games out in the yard. Thank God the weather was fine.
"Sure." Ray looked at him searchingly. "You OK, Benny? Have you got another headache?"
"No..." No, but if he didn't get away from all this chaos very soon he might scream, or do something... well, something. Something that would no doubt embarrass himself and possibly everyone else.
Ray dumped the bowl on the hall table and came over to stand very close. Too close. Ben was about to move away when Ray caught him by the shoulders, pushed him up against the wall and slid a warm, buttery, salt-laden tongue into his mouth. Firm hands slid down his arms and around behind him to grasp his butt. In spite of himself he responded, an eager moan muffled against Ray's lips.
"You wanna go upstairs for a while, lover?" Ray's voice was a hoarse whisper in his ear.
"We can't. Someone might miss us." The reluctance in his voice was plain even to him.
Ray grinned, and lifted his thigh to rub against Ben's groin. "So what? We're Fraser's parents. We can celebrate his birthday any way we want."
The pressure against his balls was affecting his ability to think coherently. He moaned again, snatched another kiss from Ray, and began to drag him towards the stairs. Even with Ray's complete co-operation, it was a difficult business. He couldn't keep his hands off his lover long enough to negotiate the stairs. Halfway up he stumbled and went down heavily, pulling Ray over on top of him. Ray didn't seem to mind. For a moment as Ray's hips ground fiercely against his own, he thought they were going to do it right there, on the stairs, where anybody might see them.
The slamming of a door somewhere in the house distracted them and Ray dragged him to his feet, laughing, and pushed him along the hallway to their bedroom door.
He leaned against the wall, breathing fast, and watched as Ray dropped the latch then turned back to him, the laughter dying out of his eyes.
"God, Benny, you're so beautiful when you're turned on."
He couldn't speak, couldn't move, was only able to watch as Ray came closer, reaching to take his face between his hands. A long warm kiss, and he was shaking uncontrollably. Ray drew back to look at him again.
"You need it bad, don't you?" Ray's voice was tender.
He swallowed, tried to speak and couldn't. Nodded instead.
Ray's mouth closed over his again.
Gentle hands unbuttoned his shirt. Touched him, drawing long shuddering moans from him. A tongue, sweetly demanding, invaded his mouth silencing him. He needed the wall behind him, the body pressing up against him, to stay upright. Impatient hands at his waist, struggling with the zipper of his jeans. Release, at last, and a firm stroking touch taking his breath away.
Everything stopped at once. He protested, wordlessly, then saw that Ray had dropped to his knees in front of him. Ray's hands, beautiful hands, reached out to drag his jeans and shorts down off his hips. Ray's mouth, luscious mouth, pressed gently against his erection, a butterfly kiss. Another against his belly. His cock again. His balls, each in turn. His cock again.
Without thinking he reached out and took Ray's face between his hands. Ray's eyes smiled up at him, caressing him. Lips parted invitingly and he slid between them.
He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall, and there was only the feel of Ray's face between his hands. His cock against Ray's tongue, the soft wet sounds of Ray's steady sucking. His breathing, harsh in the almost silence. The fluid movement of his hips. Tremors radiated out from his groin, filling his body. Then rushed back in to meet, crashing together with stunning force.
He'd had to half carry Ben to the bed, but Ray didn't mind. It did his ego a power of good to know that after nearly six years together he could still reduce his lover to a trembling jelly on occasion. He looked at the sprawled body beside him... shirt open and half off his shoulders... jeans and shorts pushed down to his knees... all that pale skin in-between. One of the seven natural wonders of the world in Ray's opinion. And himself still fully dressed and so aroused he thought he might die of it.
He set about remedying that. First unwrap the present... he grinned. That didn't take long. He was about to do the same for himself when Ben decided to take a more active role. He pulled Ray over on top of himself and began to seriously explore the depths of Ray's mouth, his hands sliding down to Ray's butt and pulling him hard against himself. Ray gasped. Moved urgently and stopped, shaking.
He saw the blue eyes catch fire. Oh, yes.... he hissed in satisfaction. His shirt was gone in a heartbeat and Ben buried his face against the tender skin at the base of his throat. The hands moved to his pants next. A quick twist of his hips, a heart-stopping slither against bare flesh and they, and his briefs, were gone too. That just left his undershirt... Suddenly impatient he halted the exploring hands.
"Turn over, Benny."
He barely managed to push himself up off that luscious body so that Ben could obey. His body knew where it wanted to be. He lowered himself, his cock sliding along that delicious cleft, probing deeper. Ben's thighs parted invitingly and he pushed a knee between them widening the gap still further. They'd done this so many times... he didn't need to look, or think. His cock slid between the pale cheeks, a brief hesitation as he sought the opening. A brief resistance, gone almost before he registered it. And then he was there.
Ray rested his forehead against the back of Ben's shoulder and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. Usually they used a lube, but this was better... more friction... more sensation... He bit back a groan and began to thrust, rapidly building to a climax. Ben was moaning softly beneath him, pushing back against his thrusts, taking him deeper and deeper. He tried, vainly, to hold back, to make it last longer, but Ben's body closed tightly around him and that was the end of it.
Lying limp and satisfied across Ben's back, Ray smiled. It would have been nice to take their time, to really get in the mood, but he wasn't complaining. Still, it would be nice to cuddle for a while before they went downstairs again, and Ben didn't seem to want to go anywhere. Carefully he slid his arms around Ben's waist and rolled them onto their sides. He was still inside Ben, a perfectly lovely feeling, and he snuggled closer against the broad back.
Holding Ray inside him was one of the most perfect pleasures of his life. He lay completely still as that wonderful connection slowly diminished and was lost altogether. Ray's lips nuzzled his shoulder sleepily, but it was little consolation for the feeling of emptiness that always possessed him at this moment. The feeling passed, as it always did, and he turned in his lover's arms to meet sleepy green eyes. Ray knew... Ray always knew. They kissed slowly.
Sounds from the party drifted upstairs. They really ought to be getting back to it. He abandoned the bed regretfully and slipped on a robe, heading for the bathroom. They would definitely need a washcloth.
But when he got back, Ray was sleeping, his body completely relaxed. He didn't have the heart to wake him. He lay down beside him and began carefully to wipe him down with the damp cloth. Ray stirred slightly and sighed without waking and he paused, his eyes roaming helplessly over that beloved body.
Ray was still wearing his black undershirt, pushed up above his waist. He pushed it still higher. So beautiful, that warm olive skin. Where the sun hadn't been, it was the colour of pale honey. Pale honey skin. Black hair on his chest, fine as cornsilk. Black hair at his groin, soft and wiry... dark luscious nipples. Even darker cock. He moaned softly.
Long legs asprawl. Long legs to wrap around him and hold him tightly. Long, clever fingers to tease him to heights of passion he'd never imagined before... this was Ray. His Ray... his lover, his soul mate. His drug.
He leaned over and softly tongued a flat nipple, feeling it harden instantly. Then the other. Slight taste of salt on his tongue. Press a kiss, there, just there, in the centre of his chest. Another a little lower. Lower again... Feel the slight rise and fall of his chest. Move lower and feel the quiver of the abdominal muscles against your lips. Lie a hand on the prominent hip bone, rub your thumb over the silky skin. This is Ray... love this man... Feel the flutter of a pulse under the skin of his belly as your lips caress him. Feed your senses on the taste, the touch, the scent of him... sit back and stare in wonder and joy at the stirring of that dark, mysterious cock, then lean forward again to caress it with your tongue. Take it in your mouth and nurture it to fullness... love him... love this man who is the other half of your soul... love this body, this cock... softly nip at the sensitive skin of his inner thigh, gentling it with long strokes of your tongue as he stirs above your head. Feast on his moans and sighs of pleasure... this is what you were born for, to love this man, this body, this cock... Take him, take him in your mouth and worship him... worship this cock with every suck, every stroke of your tongue, every beat of your pounding heart... it's Ray... Rise up on your knees and fold back those endless legs above the slender, elegant body. Kiss the instep of each foot before you place it, carefully, against your shoulder... take the slim hips between your hands and lift them up to rest against your thighs. Your cock nestles against his... His eyes are fixed on yours, silent, waiting... perfect trust, perfect love... trusting you to hold him, though only his shoulders and head are still resting on the surface of the bed. Something inside you twists... breaks... Bury yourself in this man... deep... deeper still... Lose yourself in him, he is warmth and darkness, hiding you... protecting you... Ray... thrust into him, plunging ever deeper, but never deep enough. Never, ever deep enough. Your heart is hammering against the barrier of your ribs... and something is building, building inside you... something sharp and painful, twisting in your guts... clawing at your vital organs... tearing out your heart...
...white light... searing...
Ray.
Fingers clawed at his shoulders, gripping painfully. Shaking him. He groaned a protest.
"Benny! Benny, for God's sake! Talk to me!"
Ray's voice, with an edge of panic. He opened his eyes with an effort.
"Ray?" His own voice. Sounding groggy, unfocused. Like his eyes.
He heard Ray sob, then he was enveloped in a fierce hug. His eyes drifted closed again.
"No! Benny! Stay with me." He was shaken again.
"'M all right."
He was shifted slightly to a more comfortable position, his head on Ray's shoulder. Ray's arms around him. Nice.
"Talk to me Benny."
"Wass... What's the matter, Ray?" He was puzzled. What was Ray so upset about? They'd been making love, hadn't they? That must be why he felt so drowsy...
"Don't you remember? Benny?" Ray's voice was urgent, insistent.
"Remember what, Ray?"
Ray slid out from under him, ignoring his protest. He found himself staring up into green eyes full of anguish. Suddenly he was wide awake.
"You freaked out, Benny... while we were making love. Then you collapsed. I couldn't rouse you."
Ben shifted uncomfortably. "I must have fallen asleep."
"It was no sleep, Benny, believe me. You were out cold. I nearly called 911."
"Surely..." His voice trailed away at the look on Ray's face. "I don't understand it. I feel fine, just a little tired..."
Ray lay back down beside him, wrapping his arms around him again. He was shaking. Ben returned the embrace, stroking his lover's back soothingly. "I'm fine, Ray. Whatever it was, it's over."
"Have you been to the doctor yet? About those headaches?"
"Not yet."
Ray picked up on the defensiveness in his voice. "You are going, aren't you, Benny? You promised me you would."
"I will, I just haven't..."
"...got around to it, yet. I know. Promise me you'll make an appointment tomorrow. And promise me you'll tell the doctor about this too."
Ben squirmed. "Do I have to, Ray?"
"You sound just like Fraser, when he has to go for his check up." Ray grinned.
Ben seized on the distraction. "Well, that's hardly surprising, Ray..."
"Promise me, Benny."
Ben sighed. "All right. I promise."
He was rewarded with a kiss. He returned it with some enthusiasm, swiftly overwhelming Ray's uncertainty. Things were just starting to get interesting when there was a sharp rap on the door. Ray yelped as Ben inadvertently bit his tongue.
"Are you two gonna stay in there all day? It's time to cut Fraser's cake." It was Frannie.
Ray rolled his eyes dramatically. "We'll be right down Frannie."
The party was still in full swing. Out in the yard the children were all running around madly, not particularly concerned that the serious business of cutting the birthday cake was about to commence. The aunts were off in a corner chatting amongst themselves, and Frannie, newly married and even more newly pregnant, was discreetly necking with her husband. A small body detached itself from the fray and flung itself towards him and Ray.
"Daddy!"
Ray swept Fraser up into his arms. Ben frowned, the boy's mouth was ringed with food smears. He was too old for that. Ray was covering his son's face with kisses, ignoring the boy's giggles as he catalogued what he'd been eating.
"Mmm, cheese whiz, ketchup, um... strawberry... and, no don't tell me... clam sauce! You've been eating clam sauce? I thought you didn't like it."
"That was last week, Daddy. Now I like it, it's cool!"
"Ray, you shouldn't encourage him. Come here, Fraser, let me clean your face."
Fraser rolled his eyes. "Aw, Dad..."
Ray passed him over to Ben, who promptly lowered him to the ground. "You're the guest of honour, Fraser, you should be clean at least."
"It's his birthday Benny, lighten up a bit, will ya?"
Ben ignored the amused exasperation in Ray's voice as he pulled out a handkerchief and spat into it in the time honoured fashion of parents everywhere. He grasped Fraser's chin firmly and began to clean his face. Fraser squirmed.
"Hold still Fraser." For a moment he remembered how much he'd hated it when his mother had done this to him. He pushed the thought away and inspected his son's face. "All right, you can go now."
Fraser grinned at them both and then ran off. He didn't get far, his grandmother caught his arm and led him over to the table where the birthday cake would soon be placed.
Ben stood back, with Ray hovering slightly anxiously beside him, and watched as the cake was carried out, candles flaring, while everyone sang 'Happy Birthday'. Fraser made short work of blowing out the candles and successfully plunged the knife into the cake. Then Mrs Vecchio took over, slicing up the cake and making sure the pieces were distributed by Fraser and his cousins.
He couldn't remember ever celebrating his birthday in such a lavish manner. In fact he hardly remembered celebrating his birthday at all. Except for the few years when he'd still hoped to get the presents he'd requested, most of his birthdays had passed almost unnoticed. A discretely wrapped present, always a book, would be placed by his plate at breakfast and his grandmother would kiss him on the cheek. The rest of the day would pass just like any other day.
Ray dropped an arm across his shoulders. "What are you looking so serious for, Benny?"
"It just seems, so... extravagant..."
"Ach, it's his birthday, Benny. He'll only be six once." Ray's arm tightened around him in a brief hug.
Ben smiled slightly "Didn't you say that last year?"
"Well, he was only five once too." Ray grinned, unrepentant.
"Ray..." He didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed. In the end amusement won... just. He turned into Ray's arms and hugged him.
Ben had hardly got in the door when Ray was there. "Well, Benny? What did the tests say?"
He took a deep breath, knowing that Ray had been getting increasingly worried since his doctor had referred him for blood tests and a scan. This wasn't the way he wanted to deal with this situation. He caught Ray's arm and led him upstairs.
Once the door was closed behind him... "What is it, Benny?" Ray was sounding very scared.
"It's nothing, Ray. Really. The doctor said it's just stress, causing tension headaches." Ben was uncomfortably aware that his voice sounded sulky, but he forgot that as Ray gasped and closed his eyes, swaying a little. He caught hold of him, holding his lover close. "Ray, it's all right."
"Oh God, Benny. I was so scared." Ray stirred in his arms and pulled back, managing a shaky smile. "Ever since you went for those tests, I've been imagining the worst."
Ben kissed him, hard. "I suppose you thought I had a brain tumour."
"Something like that." Ray grinned, recovering fast now. "What's causing the stress? Something at work? Why haven't you told me about it?"
"There isn't anything." And at Ray's sceptical look. "There isn't. I would have told you Ray."
"There must be something, Benny. Those headaches are real enough. And the way you freaked out on Fraser's birthday... Maybe you should get a second opinion."
Ben summoned up a smile. "So you'd rather I had a brain tumour?"
"If you've got one, I'd rather do something about it right away instead of when it's too late." Ray looked at him searchingly. "Benny... are you sure?"
Ben sighed impatiently. "I'm quite sure. Don't worry about it, Ray. I dare say the headaches will go away."
Ray grinned, then gave a short laugh. "You're annoyed, aren't you? You thought it would be something serious too."
"I don't suffer from stress. Besides, there's nothing to cause me any stress." He could feel his temper rising. It wouldn't do to lose it now.
"There must be something. What did the doctor say?"
Ben took a deep steadying breath, Ray was going to have a field day with this... "He... he suggested I see a psychiatrist."
Surprisingly, Ray just looked at him for a moment and then turned away. "So, you gonna do it?" His voice was carefully casual.
"Of course not." How ridiculous. He braced himself for an argument. It didn't come. Ray was looking at him, his eyes brooding.
"Well, maybe the headaches will go away, like you said."
Ray was humouring him!
"I suppose they will." He almost snarled the words and turned away.
A touch on his arm stopped him in his tracks.
"Benny. Please... Don't shut me out. Talk to me."
Ray's eyes were pleading with him. He relaxed a little and tried to smile. He knew how worried Ray had been for the last week. He stroked Ray's cheek lightly and then kissed him.
"I'll be fine, Ray. Don't worry."
The headaches didn't go away. Almost guiltily, Ben tried to find some kind of common link to the onset of the headaches, but without any success. At least they weren't getting any worse, and he hadn't had any more attacks like the one that had frightened Ray so much. Sometimes he was aware that Ray was watching him covertly and he tried not to let that irritate him. They hadn't spoken about it again.
Ray paused at the door of Fraser's room, heard Ben's voice, in lecturing mode, and sighed. He knew exactly what he'd find inside. Ben telling Fraser off with solemn patience, and Fraser, bless him, listening with equal patience, very much his father's son. It seemed to Ray that this was happening more often than it used to. He went in to rescue his son.
"Benny, I need to talk to you." Ray exchanged a grin with Fraser.
Ben looked up at him impatiently. "Can't it wait, Ray?"
"Nope." He pulled Ben up by the arm and dragged him towards the door. "Fraser, Granma wants you in the kitchen."
Fraser took the cue and scampered out the door while Ray pulled Ben along the hallway to their room. once inside he shut the door and leaned on it.
"What is it, Ray?" Impatiently.
"That's what I'd like to know, Benny. Why are you being so hard on Fraser all of a sudden? Huh?"
Ben stared at him angrily. "Fraser needs to learn how he should behave."
"He's a good kid! What's he supposed to have done wrong now?"
"He hid Marco's homework."
Ray laughed. "Then Marco shouldn't tease him."
Ben's lips tightened momentarily. "I would appreciate it if you didn't encourage him, Ray. You're undermining my authority."
That was just too much, Ray let go his own temper. "Oh, for God's sake, lighten up. Listen to yourself, will ya? He's not in Mountie school."
"It's time he grew up."
Ray's jaw dropped. "He's just a baby! He's only six years old, for Gods sake!"
"Ray, when I was six years old, my father took me into the forest and..."
"...and left you alone in the dark to make a fire, I know. And you were terrified. That ain't gonna happen to my kid, so don't even think about it."
Ben looked at him strangely. "How did you know that?"
"You told me. When we had that plane crash. You were half out of your mind, so you probably don't remember. But I remember thinking what a bastard your father must have been, to do that to you."
Ben was completely taken aback. "Well, Ray... you know, I'm sure my father wasn't very far away, I just didn't know it at the time."
"You're probably right, but you were still terrified." Ray knew he could be every bit as stubborn as his lover. He had no intention of backing down on this one.
Ben blinked a couple of times, then obviously tried to relax. "He did what he thought was best. He was trying to prepare me. It's a very harsh world, the Territories. Children have to grow up faster there."
Ray sighed impatiently. "Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we're living in Chicago. So maybe you could let Fraser stay a kid a bit longer. He's gonna be grown up an awful long time."
"That's still no excuse for bad behaviour, Ray. I told him he'd have to apologise to Marco."
Ray scowled. "Only if you make Marco apologise for teasing him. And I can tell you now, that ain't gonna happen. Just leave it Benny, that kind of thing's normal behaviour in this family. If Fraser apologises, Marco won't know what the hell's going on."
"If your sister doesn't care about her child's behaviour..." Ben's voice was suddenly tight with anger.
It was like showing a red rag to a bull. Only Ray had the right to criticise his sisters, a right he exercised frequently enough, but didn't extend to Ben, or anyone else. "Let's just leave Maria out of this, shall we, Benny? This is about you and me. What's the matter with you?"
"With me? Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about." Ben didn't meet his eyes.
"Don't you? You've been trying to hide that you're still having headaches. You aren't eating properly, you're not taking Dief for walks any more. And you're always telling Fraser off for doing things that are normal behaviour for a kid his age. Maybe you should see a shrink."
"Don't be ridiculous."
Ben turned away from him, but Ray reached out and pulled him around again. He'd let this go on for too long, he suddenly decided. If Ben didn't want to face up to his own problems, fine. But this was affecting their son.
"I mean it Benny. You're always telling Fraser off these days. It's not good for a kid to be criticised by his father all the time. I know this."
"I don't criticise him, Ray. I just point out where his behaviour..." Ben's voice trailed off. "Well, I don't do it all the time."
"You do it a lot more than you used to, Benny. A lot more. And those headaches..."
Ben was defensive. "They're not getting any worse."
"They're happening more often though, aren't they?" Ray watched as Ben opened his mouth to reply, then stopped, and frowned.
At last he was actually thinking instead of just reacting. He moved closer to Ben and wrapped his arms around him. "If you're suffering from stress, you should take some sick leave. Maybe I could get some time off and we could go away. Just the two of us. Alone."
Ben smiled reluctantly. "I can't, Ray. We're short-staffed at the Consulate as it is. Maybe later in the year."
Ray kissed him. "Think about it, OK?"
Sometimes, you just had one of those days... Ray was never more thankful that he and Ben had moved back to his family's house than on days like this one, when he didn't get home until after dinner, only to find that Ben still wasn't home either. Fraser was upstairs doing his homework before bedtime, his mother informed him, so he raced up the stairs, determined to spend some time, at least, with his son today. He'd left early for work, before Fraser had woken.
He was greeted joyfully by Fraser who spied an opportunity to avoid his spelling list. Not that Fraser was bad at spelling, he just didn't like having to do it for homework. Ray allowed him five minutes for play and then sat him down and started him on the list. Halfway down the list, Ray caught sight of a word that made his heart sink. He thought about just missing it out, but Fraser, like his father, had an almost perfect memory. He'd be sure to notice the omission and comment on it.
Too soon, they'd reached it. Ray took a deep breath.
"Mother." His voice sounded strange.
Fraser stared at him.
"Fraser? Can you spell it?"
The little boy sighed. Just like his father... "M. O. T. H. E. R."
Not the slightest hesitation. Ray stared at Fraser... he knew Fraser was going to ask, he just wished he knew what to say.
"Daddy, why don't I have a mother?"
Ray stared down at Fraser, who was staring straight back up at him, his big blue eyes innocent as hell. Why hadn't anyone told him the big-eyed Mountie look was hereditary?
"Do you mind?"
Fraser blinked, not expecting the question. "I dunno. Everybody else in my class has one. Some of them live with their daddies, but they all have mothers." He paused, thought a bit. "Emma has two mothers..." he added somewhat resentfully.
Good for Emma... Ray swallowed a smile. "Well, you have two fathers."
"Yeah..." Fraser sounded unconvinced. "Daddy, what's sex?"
Oh God. Not that too. "Why do you want to know?"
Fraser frowned slightly. "Well, Ty said that daddies can't have babies by themselves and they have to have a mommy and she has to have sex. His big brother told him. How do you get sex? Can you buy it somewhere?"
Ray rubbed his temples, feeling suddenly as though he was coming down with one of Ben's headaches. "No, you can't buy it. It's something you do."
"Oh... Ty's brother said I must have a mommy, but I said I didn't." Fraser blinked up at him.
"Well..." Better to get it over with, Ray decided suddenly. "You do have a mother. Or at least you had one, but she died when you were only a few weeks old."
Fraser considered this, his eyes still fixed on Ray's. Then... "What was she like, daddy?"
She was a scheming bitch who tried to kill me and wreck Benny's life... Ray took a deep breath. "I didn't know her all that well, Fraser. But she was very clever, and brave..." oh, yeah... and dangerous "...um... she was very determined."
"Was she pretty?"
That one was easy, at least. Ray relaxed a bit. "She was beautiful, Fraser. She had long dark curly hair and dark eyes."
"Did she look like a princess?" Fraser's eyes were huge with excitement now.
"Well... I don't really know what a princess looks like. Maybe we should get back to that spelling list now." Yeah, and get off this subject before Benny comes home...
But Fraser ignored this last remark, diving for his bookshelf and dragging out an old book of fairy tales he surely hadn't looked at in years.
"Did she look like this, daddy?"
The picture Fraser was showing him was remarkably like Victoria, except that the girl in the book had a little crown perched precariously on her head.
"Yeah, I guess so. It's time to get back to your homework, Fraser."
"Aw, Daddy..."
"Now." His voice sounded more like Ben's than his own and Fraser blinked in surprise. And then obeyed him. He'd have to try that again some time.
They'd got almost to the end of the list when Ben came in, looking tense and unhappy. Ray felt his gut twist. Something bad, he was sure. Fraser crowed with pleasure and flung himself against Ben's legs. Ben frowned slightly.
"Hello Fraser." Ben took the small shoulders and gently detached his son. "Hello Ray."
Ray went over to him. "You OK, Benny? You don't look too good."
"I'm fine." The frown had deepened. "What are you doing?"
Ray hurried to get in first. "Fraser's got a spelling test. I've been helping him. You're gonna get a hundred percent, aren't ya Fraser?"
"Yes. And Daddy's been telling me about my mother. She's dead."
"I know."
The was a dangerous silence. Fraser registered it, his eyes suddenly wary. He offered a cautious comment. "She was as pretty as a princess, Daddy says..."
Ben turned to look at Ray, his eyes furious. "Did you say that?"
"Well, kinda..." Ray swallowed. "She was beautiful... Fraser, why don't you go brush your teeth... it's past your bed time."
"No." Ben stalked over to where Fraser was standing, beside his bed. "Sit down, Fraser."
"Benny..." This was getting scary, even for Ray.
"No, Ray. I won't have Fraser... idolising her. He's old enough to know the truth." He picked Fraser up and sat him on the bed. "Your mother was a criminal, Fraser..." He carried on over Ray's shout and Fraser's cry of shock, simply raising his voice. "She robbed banks and killed people. She tried to send Ray and me to jail. She..."
Ray caught Ben by the shoulder and dragged him away from Fraser. "Cut it out Benny! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Ben was shaking violently. He looked across at his son and Ray followed his gaze. Fraser's face was screwed up as if in pain, tears pouring down his face. Without a second thought, Ray was at his side. He picked the little boy up and as if that released him from some kind of spell, Fraser began to sob. He opened his eyes and stared at Ben, who still hadn't moved.
"It's not true! It's not! You're a liar and I hate you!" Another bout of sobbing racked him and Ray held him closer, drawing the crumpled face down onto his shoulder.
"Get out, Benny." And when Ben didn't move. "Get outta here! Go!"
It seemed to take forever to get Fraser calmed down and settled for the night, and all the while Ray was still furiously angry with Ben for what he'd done. That didn't help. Things improved when Dief came in, fresh from the kitchen judging by the smell of garlic and pasta sauce on his breath. He needed no second invitation to curl up beside Fraser on his bed. He'd appointed himself Fraser's protector from the day they first met. Ray went in search of Ben.
Not surprisingly, he was in their room. He was shoving things hastily into his old backpack. Ray grabbed it out of his hands and flung it across the room. Then he pulled him around and shoved him up against the wall.
"I don't understand you Benny. How could you be so cruel to any kid, let alone your own son? What in hell did you think you were doing?"
Ben's eyes blinked rapidly. He looked terrible, but Ray had no compassion left for him right now. When he didn't answer. Ray pulled him away from the wall a little and slammed him back again. "Answer me, dammit!"
"I... I didn't want him believing a lie."
Ray found that his left hand was twisted in the front of Ben's shirt. His right, clenched into a fist, was drawn back. He let go of Ben suddenly.
"You bastard. You'd rather break his heart, wouldn't you? Are you happy now?"
"Ray... I..." Ben lifted a shaking hand to wipe away tears from his lashes.
Ray lifted a hand to silence him, turning away as he did so. "Don't! Just don't. I don't wanna hear it."
Ben brushed past him, went to pick up his backpack and continued his packing. He'd almost finished.
"What are you doing, Benny?"
Ben didn't look at him. "Isn't it obvious? I'm leaving."
"No!" Pain seemed to lance through him. Angry as he'd been, Ray knew he didn't, had never, wanted this. "Benny we can work this out. I'm angry, all right? But we can still work it out."
He couldn't lose Benny. Benny was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He couldn't... oh, God! he couldn't lose Fraser... Fraser was his life. His voice was shaking when he managed to speak again.
"Benny, please... talk to me. I know there's something wrong. The headaches, your mood swings... But it doesn't matter, we can work through it. God, Benny don't leave... I can't live without you and Fraser."
Ben lifted his head and stared at him in surprise. "Fraser's staying here."
It ought to have made him feel better, but Ray's first reaction was fear. "What are you going to do?"
Ben gave a short laugh. Not a very reassuring sound. "Nothing drastic, Ray, I assure you."
"For God's sake, Benny, you can't just leave. We gotta talk about it first."
Ben looked at him sombrely. "I have to go, Ray. What I did was unforgivable. I have to do something."
"You really think leaving's going to help? Benny, we've got to get through this together..."
Ben shook his head.
Ray was getting desperate. "Benny, you can't just leave Fraser, he's your son."
"He's your son too, Ray. He belongs here, with his family. Besides, I've already hurt him..." Ben's voice faltered and he turned away, picking up the backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.
It couldn't really be happening... Ray followed Ben along the hallway, down the stairs, all the time expecting to wake from some awful nightmare. At the open front door Ben hesitated. Ray heard the click of Dief's claws on the floor and looked down to see the wolf sitting beside him. Then Ben went down the steps and along the path. Once on the street, he paused again and turned to look back.
"Dief!"
The wolf whined, but didn't move from his place beside Ray. He looked down. "Go on, Dief."
Dief simply looked up at him, then at Ben, and didn't move. Ben shrugged slightly and walked away.
Ray went back upstairs in a daze, only vaguely aware that Dief was beside him, until they reached Fraser's door. Ray paused in the open doorway to check Fraser. His son was sleeping, his face flushed, tears still clinging to his lashes. Dief padded over, jumped onto the bed and lay down beside the small body.
Ray exchanged a long look with the wolf and then turned away to his own room. His own again... For a moment he stood in the doorway, then took a deep breath and went in.
The closet door was partly open. He went over to look inside. His own clothes on the right, Ben's on the left. Most of them were still there. The uniforms were gone, of course. And Ben's jeans. His plaid shirts, the ones he'd had for years, were missing. Still there were the two suits Ray had bought for him, the silk shirts Ben loved, but mostly wore only while Ray made love to him... He'd only taken the things he'd had before he and Ray had started living together.
He backed away from the closet, his gut churning painfully. Benny was really gone. He started to shake and found himself kneeling on the floor, his arms wrapped around the pain in his gut, trying to hold back a scream of anguish. He groaned instead, doubling over until his head was nearly touching his knees.
The feeling passed eventually, and Ray climbed to his feet again. He felt a hundred years old. Somehow he had to decide what to do now... how to tell his family. Oh God, how to tell Fraser... That, at least, could wait till morning.
From the sound of the TV, Ray knew his mother was alone. Only she ever watched the late night chat shows, and only after everyone else had gone to bed. He realised he had no idea what the time was, but it must be hours since Ben had left. He pushed the door open.
"Ma?"
His mother turned her head to look at him. The shock on her face was an unwelcome reminder of how bad he must look.
"Caro, what has happened?"
"Oh, Ma..." He went over to kneel in front of her armchair, looking up at her helplessly.
She leaned forward to touch his face and he knew he must be crying. He lowered his head into her lap and finally let go.
So. After eight years, he was back to where he'd started. Or, not quite. Last time he'd had Dief. This time he was completely alone. It frightened Ben how easily he'd slipped back into the solitude. Nobody at the Consulate was particularly interested in his private life since Meg Thatcher had transferred back to Ottawa three years ago. In fact he'd been at the Consulate so long he was regarded, for all practical purposes, as part of the furniture.
It was a couple of weeks before he realised that the headaches had stopped and that the terrible pressure that had been constant in the last few months had eased. It probably meant something, but he was simply too numb to care. He'd found an apartment quite easily. It was even more run down than the other one had been, but then prices had risen, and half his wages were still going into his and Ray's joint account. Before, he'd chosen to live simply, now he had no choice. It didn't particularly bother him though. His life was on hold.
He fell into a routine. Days at work, nights at the apartment he refused to call his home. Sometimes, if he couldn't sleep, he would wander the streets, but he didn't try to make friends out of his neighbours. He had nothing left to offer them, he thought.
This evening he stood by the window, looking out into the grey twilight. He'd prepared a meal, badly, but hadn't eaten it. Nearly two years of Mrs Vecchio's cooking had spoiled him, he supposed. He had very little appetite any more.
"You've made a fine mess of things, haven't you son?"
He whirled round, shocked. "Dad?"
Ben hadn't seen his father's ghost in years. Robert Fraser didn't seem to have changed at all, but then being a ghost, he probably wouldn't.
"Yep, it's me, son. Who else did you expect?"
"Well, I didn't expect you, that's certain. It's been years."
His father shrugged. "Well, I guess you haven't needed me, lately."
"No, probably not." Ben turned to look out the window again, his wits scattered. It was almost as big a shock as the first time his father had appeared.
"You know, you really should be at home with your son, not moping around here."
That stung. He turned back to face his father. "That's fine, coming from you! You were never there for me."
"That was different. I had a job to do." Bob Fraser frowned.
Could a ghost have hurt feelings? He doubted there was any point in asking. "You could have changed your job."
"That's easy for you to say. Would you give up your job to be with Fraser?"
"In a heartbeat."
His father looked sceptical. "Then why are you here and not with him?"
"I was hurting him. Always criticising him. I did... something terrible. I can't go back until I know how to stop myself from hurting him." It hurt to admit it, even if his father was just a figment of his imagination. It hurt to think about Fraser. And Ray. He resisted the urge to turn away again.
"So what are you doing about it? Nothing. You're just moping around here feeling sorry for yourself."
"I'm..." Ben stopped. His father was right. "Fraser has Ray, he doesn't need me."
"Rubbish. You're his father, his only blood relative. A boy needs his father."
He lost his temper then, only managing to keep his voice down by a ferocious effort. "Don't tell me what Fraser needs. What do you know about what a child needs? What I needed when Mum died?"
Bob Fraser bridled indignantly. "Fraser's just a baby, you were almost a man."
"I was six years old when Mum died. The same age Fraser is now!" He hadn't meant to shout, the words seemed to echo around the apartment. Then he heard what he'd said. He could feel the shock of it in his body, the tightening of his skin, the sudden feeling of chill as the blood vessels near the surface contracted, the racing of his heart.
His father was gone.
His knees felt weak, so he slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor beneath the window. He hugged himself but couldn't stop the shivering.
It had been a hell of a day, but then most days were, lately. His home used to be a refuge from that, but now Ray never knew what he'd find when he went through the front door. To say that Fraser had reacted badly to Ben's leaving would be putting it mildly.
He hadn't heard from Ben at all. That was enough to keep him awake nights, even though he'd checked that Ben was still turning up for work at the Consulate. He wished Meg was still there, she would have tried to help him. After a lot of soul searching, Ray had decided to let Ben come to him. Whatever it was Ben needed to do, he obviously wanted to do it on his own. Even so, he thought about picking up the phone and calling him at least a half dozen times every day.
As the key turned in the lock, Ray took a deep breath. Even through the door he could hear the uproar in the house. Somebody was in trouble, and it was almost certainly Fraser. It was getting more and more difficult for Ray to dealt with Fraser's outbursts of temper and bad behaviour. His own temper was none too stable these days.
It wasn't that he didn't understand how Fraser was feeling. He felt the same way... hurt, betrayed, frightened, angry... he wished he could just let go and lash out too. Which made it all the more difficult not to react when those same feelings were directed at him by his own son.
Ray sighed and opened the door. Inside it was just as bad as he'd expected. Half his family was there in the hallway, eager to tell him, with as much shouting, contradicting of each other, and wild gesticulating as possible, that Fraser had taken Tony's prized baseball bat, the one autographed by Ryne Sandberg, and used it to play a game with his cousins. Using rocks instead of a ball.
It was no surprise to Ray that Fraser had disappeared completely. He would have done the same, in these circumstances. It didn't make him any less worried though. None of his nephews or nieces was willing to say where he might be hiding. Possibly they didn't know. Dief was gone too.
If Ray hadn't been certain that Dief was with Fraser, he might have panicked. Instead he left, ignoring the chaos still going on behind him, and went to look for his son. Nobody he asked had seen a small boy accompanied by a white wolf. He called home frequently using his cell phone, but there was no sign of Fraser. He called Willie and asked him to get his friends out looking too. Nothing. It was starting to get dark.
This was getting very serious. Ignoring the churning in his gut, Ray tried to decide whether or not he should call in a Missing Persons report. He tried one last call home.
"Where is he?" Ray cut through his mother's account of how they'd found Fraser hiding somewhere...
His mother took one look at her son's face. "In his room... Caro..."
But he was gone.
Ray took the stairs at a run, still not sure whether he was more relieved or angry. Fraser's behaviour had left a lot to be desired lately, but this stunt was way over the limit of his tolerance.
When he went in to Fraser's room, the sight of his son's white, pinched looking face almost destroyed his anger. Almost.
"Fraser, what the hell did you think you were doing? Don't you know how worried we've all been? I've been walking the streets for hours looking for you."
Fraser bit his lip and didn't answer.
"Answer me, Fraser."
The boy looked up at him defiantly. "I was all right. I had Dief with me."
"And that's the only reason I didn't call the police. Why did you take Uncle Tony's bat?"
"I wanted to."
No mistaking the arrogance in that young voice. Ray held on to his rapidly fraying temper. "You know how much that bat means to Uncle Tony. How could you ruin it like that? He's always been good to you."
"He's just a fat old layabout. That's what you said." Ray had never seen Fraser sneer before. It wasn't a pleasant sight.
"Never mind what I said! I don't want to hear you saying it. Do you hear me?"
Fraser stuck out his bottom lip. "You're yelling loud enough. I'm not deaf."
Ray stared at him, unable, for a moment, to believe what he'd heard. Almost before he knew what he was doing, he'd taken a step forward, pulled Fraser to his feet and lifted a hand to slap him.
Fraser shrieked, and Ray managed to stop himself just in time. It was impossible to tell which of them was the most shocked. They stared at each other in silence.
Ray sat in his bedroom, in the armchair, and stared at the whiskey bottle and the half full glass sitting on the window sill. He'd never wanted a drink more, or been more afraid to take it. His hands were shaking as he raised them to rub over his face.
"That's good whiskey. You better not waste it."
Ray groaned behind his hands. This was the last thing he needed. "Go away Pop."
"I don't know why you're carrying on like this. He deserved a slap across the face. I'd have done it."
Oh, great. He dropped his hands. "You did. Plenty of times."
His father shrugged. "Never did you any harm."
"And how would you know, Pop? Did you ever ask me? Huh?" Ray glared up at him.
"Hey. I'm your father. I know what's best for my son."
It was pointless arguing, his father had never listened to him when he was alive, he sure wasn't going to now he was dead. "Yeah, well I know what's best for my son. And it ain't slapping him around."
Vecchio scowled. "That kid ain't your son. He's no blood of mine."
"No, he isn't, and you know what Pop? I thank God for that. But he is my son. I adopted him, that makes him my son."
"That don't mean nothin'. You wanna dump him, send him back to that fruitcake boyfriend of yours. Get rid of the both of them and find yourself a woman and have kids of your own."
"He is my own, Pop. I love him, and even if Benny never... if he never comes back to me, Fraser will still be my son."
"Ah, I don't know why I bother. You never listen, Raimundo, and you'll never learn." The old man threw up his hands in disgust.
"You got nothing to teach me that I wanna learn, Pop. Especially about raising kids. I'm not going to be the kind of father you were. Why don't you just disappear."
Surprisingly, his father did exactly that.
Something jabbed him sharply in the hip and he turned, aware, through his exhaustion, of a body in the bed beside him. Benny? A flood of adrenaline brought him fully awake. It was Fraser, fast asleep. Dief was curled up at the bottom of the bed.
He felt like shit. How the hell could he have ever done what he did tonight? For a moment he was back in the Riv with Benny. He listened to himself tell his best friend that hitting a kid never taught him anything... it had been the first time he'd told anybody about the way his father had treated him. He'd never told Ange about it, he'd been too ashamed of it in those days. And now he'd come so close to repeating his father's abuse with his own son that it still made him sick to think about it.
Ray watched his son sleep for a moment. Once Fraser had gotten old enough to be able to wander into their room unannounced, he and Ben had taken to wearing pyjamas, and they'd always discouraged Fraser from joining them in bed. Not because they felt they needed to hide their bodies, but because they knew what was likely to happen if Fraser innocently mentioned it to someone. Ray knew, better than most, the very powerful reasons for that. And the fact was that two gay men who allowed their son into their bed would be regarded with more suspicion than a straight couple.
Fraser didn't wake as Ray carefully lifted him and carried him back to his own room. The bedding was cold, Fraser must have been with him for quite a while. Just as he drew the covers up, Fraser woke.
"Go back to sleep, honey, it's OK." Ray leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
Fraser flung his arms round Ray's neck and started to cry. "I wanna stay with you, Daddy."
"You can't do that Fraser. Dief's here. You'll be fine." Ray slid the thin arms free and tucked them under the covers. "You want me to sit with you until you fall asleep?"
Fraser nodded, still tearful, and Ray wiped the tears off his cheeks with his fingers. It didn't take long for Fraser to go back to sleep. Dief watched from the rug that had become his permanent bed since Ben left.
It was 2:14 am by his alarm clock, when Ray got back into his own bed, and 2:43 when he heard Fraser cry out. He was back in Fraser's room in a flash. Fraser was sitting up in the bed, tears on his cheeks once more.
Ray gathered the trembling body into his arms, and then pulled Fraser onto his lap. Fraser clung to him tightly.
"What's wrong, Fraser? Did you have a bad dream?"
"Yes." A frightened whisper.
Ray bent his head over his son's. "Want to tell me about it?"
"Can't 'member..."
He knew how that felt. He'd had the same experience when he was a child, waking from bad dreams that he couldn't remember, and which were all the more terrifying because of it. It made him feel sick with guilt that he might be the cause of the bad dream.
"It's over now Fraser. You need to go back to bed."
"Please, Daddy... can I sleep with you? Please?" Fraser was trembling even harder, his face burrowed against Ray's chest.
Damn! Caution fought his instinctive belief that Fraser badly needed the reassurance of his father's presence. Caution lost.
"All right, but just for a little while." He lifted Fraser easily and carried him back into his room. Dief was close behind them and jumped on the bed as Ray settled his son into it. He didn't have the energy to argue with the wolf.
Once Ray was in the bed too, Fraser snuggled close against his side and went to sleep almost immediately. He'd let the boy sleep a while and then take him back to his room.
That was the plan. He ruined it by falling asleep himself.
If Ray had thought that the episode of the baseball bat had marked a turning point, he soon found out his mistake. True, Fraser didn't do anything so outrageous again, much to his relief, but he was still behaving badly and throwing temper tantrums. Sometimes, now, he'd fall into silent withdrawn periods that could last for hours, even days and which Ray found even more disturbing than the bad behaviour.
It was during these times that Fraser would have nightmares and come creeping into his father's bed in the middle of the night. After the first time, Ray didn't have the heart to send him back to his own bed.
He was making an effort too, to get home early so he could spend more time with Fraser. Luckily Lt Welsh was willing to turn a blind eye to his comings and goings around the Bullpen. Sometimes he even managed to pick Fraser up from school. It was on one of those days that the next blow fell.
"Mr Vecchio? May I have a word with you please?" It was Ms... Ray tried vainly to remember the name of Fraser's teacher.
"Sure." He looked down questioningly at Fraser, who avoided his gaze and bit his lip. Ray's heart sank.
"He's been behaving badly in class. And starting fights in the schoolyard. Today he started a fight in the middle of math. The other kid provoked him, but it's no excuse. She said if he continued to be so disruptive he'd be put in a special class." Ray looked across the kitchen table at his mother, despair in his face.
She reached over and patted his hand. "He misses his father, caro..."
"I know." Tears filled his eyes and he blinked them away. "Ma, I don't know what to do."
"It's time Benton knew about this. He has a responsibility to his son." His mother pursed her lips.
This was starting to sound too much like his conversation with his father. "He's our son, Ma, not just Benny's."
"Exactly. But you cannot be everything for Fraser. Have you spoken with Benton at all?"
Ray shook his head, a lump in his throat keeping him silent.
She leaned over and touched his cheek gently. "It's time you did. He has a right to know, caro."
He took a deep breath. Picked up the phone. Dialled the number. When it started to ring he put it down again.
God. How was he ever going to do this? Ray dropped his head in his hands.
He had to do it. Ma was right, Fraser needed both of them. It was nearly three months now and they hadn't heard a word from Benny. He had to do it, for Fraser's sake.
He picked up the phone again.
"Canadian Consulate... Consulat de Canada."
"Constable Fraser, please."
The phone clicked through and rang once.
"Fraser."
Ray opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"Hello? Assistant Liaison's office."
He managed a weak croak. "Benny?"
Silence.
Oh, God, don't let him hang up on me... Ray gripped the handpiece tightly. "Benny, I gotta talk to you. It's about Fraser."
"What's happened to him?" An edge of panic to Ben's voice.
"He's OK. I mean he's not hurt or anything."
Ray heard a gasp at the other end. He felt sick... and weak with relief that he'd got this far.
It gave him the courage he needed to continue. What he was about to say felt too much like an admission of failure. "He's been in trouble at school. And at home. We need to talk, Benny. And he needs to see you."
There was a long pause. Oh, please... please please please don't say no...
"All right. This afternoon?"
Thank God. Ray heaved a sigh of relief.
Ray knew Ben would be there, he'd never let Fraser down so cruelly. But something inside him just made him keep quiet about it. As far as Fraser knew they were just going for a walk. As usual Dief trotted on ahead, seeming to know by some instinct where they were going. They'd arranged to meet at a small park not far from Fraser's school. Fraser, for once, was relaxed, and happy just to chatter away about what he'd done at school. Ray hoped that meant he hadn't been in trouble today.
When they reached the park, there was still no sign of Ben. Maybe he'd been delayed... just as well Ray hadn't told Fraser, he would have been devastated if he even thought that Ben might not show up. So when one of Fraser's friends called to him, Ray was happy enough to let him scamper off while he kept an eye out for Ben.
He was nervous as hell, if the truth be told, about this meeting. He had no idea how Fraser would react, and was half afraid that Ben would start telling Fraser off for his bad behaviour at school. Fraser hadn't seen his father in nearly three months, an eternity for a child his age. Suddenly, he heard Fraser shriek and turned towards the sound. He was just inside the park, and had caught sight of Ben walking towards them on the other side of the road. Ray's heart jolted at the sight of his lover and he raised his hand to wave as Fraser bolted out onto the footpath and towards the road.
It all seemed to be happening in slow motion. Ray was running, but with no hope of catching up with his son, and Ben hadn't even seen them yet. He managed to drag some air into his lungs and screamed Ben's name. No point at all in trying to get Fraser's attention, he was already on the road, oblivious to the truck that was bearing down on him.
He saw the pleased look on Ben's face give way to horror and then Ben was running too. He dived between two parked cars and across in front of the truck, scooping up Fraser under one arm. Ray didn't have much hope that he'd be in time though... he was going to lose both of them.
"Ray!" Unbelievably, Ben flung the child through the air towards him and with a last spurt of energy, Ray managed to be there to catch him. He heard the impact and Ben's cry as he fell, Fraser clutched precariously in his arms.
He was up again in moments, thrusting his screaming son into somebody's arms, running to where Ben had been thrown.
Ben was lying face down, beside a parked car. Another car, coming down the street from the other direction, had stopped just a few feet away. Ray dropped to his knees, his shaking hand searching for a pulse at the side of Ben's throat. He found it, and then heard a small moan. A few seconds later, Ben was stirring, trying to push himself up.
"Take it easy, Benny. Fraser's OK. Just lie still."
Ben ignored him, so he helped, getting him into a sitting position leaning back against the parked car. A very shaken looking truck driver came over to check on them.
"Is he hurt? Someone's called an ambulance. Is the little boy all right?"
"He's fine. It's not your fault, OK? I was in charge of him, I should have kept a closer watch." Ben was suspiciously silent. "Benny? Are you with me here?"
"I'm all right, Ray." But the voice was faint and shaky. Ray managed to pull himself together long enough to check him over. His legs looked OK but the way Ben was holding his left arm showed there was something wrong. He ran his hands down Ben's sides, feeling him flinch. Broken ribs probably.
"Let me have a look Benny."
Ben shook his head slightly. "My collar bone is broken, there's nothing you can do about it, so I'd prefer it if you left it alone." There was a faint grin on his face and Ray felt a wave of nausea. Reaction. He forced it back as a small body passed him and flung itself against Ben's chest, crying hysterically. A moment later Dief was there too, whining anxiously and nudging Ben's arm.
Ben had gone several shades paler, but when Ray reached for Fraser, his lips framed a silent 'no'. He began to stroke his son's hair gently, meeting Ray's eyes across the top of his head. Ray reached out to touch Ben's cheek with trembling fingers, totally forgetting the half circle of onlookers gathering behind them.
The sound of the ambulance siren broke the spell, and Ray drew back reluctantly. He watched as Ben bowed his head to kiss his son's hair and then looked up again into his face, passing a signal. He didn't need to ask. He reached for Fraser, trying to draw the child away, but he resisted.
"Fraser. You'll have to go with Ray."
Fraser clung tighter, causing a grimace of pain to cross Ben's face. "No, Daddy! I want to stay with you! Please Daddy!"
Ray gave up trying to detach him gently and pulled him away. For a moment he though Ben would faint.
"Fraser, stop it. Stop it now!" It was Ben's sternest voice and it had the effect it always did. Fraser hiccuped and stopped his screams, though the tears still rolled down his cheeks. Ray held him cradled against his own chest.
"It's all right, honey. I'll take you home to Granma, and then I'll bring Benny back from the hospital. I'll bring him home, I promise you." Ray met Ben's eyes again and he gave a tiny nod.
Fraser turned back to Ben. "You'll come home, Daddy?" The uncertainty in his voice was heartbreaking.
"I promise. For a little while, at least."
Fraser's bottom lip trembled, but he said nothing.
"For a few days, he means, sweetheart. Don't you, Benny." It wasn't a question. Ray gave Ben a hard stare.
Ben nodded. "That's right. A few days."
The paramedics had arrived at last. Ray stood, holding Fraser in his arms. "I'll be at the hospital soon as I can Benny."
The last thing he wanted to do was to leave Ben, but Fraser was in no state to go to a hospital, unless it was to be treated for shock... and a houseful of aunts, cousins and Ma would be the best treatment for that.
It didn't take long to locate Ben in the ER, not when he flashed his badge around and annoyed all the staff until they told him what he wanted to know.
He was sitting on an examination table wearing just his jeans. A nice view, if it hadn't been for the bandages around his shoulders and chest and the bruises that were developing over most of his chest. His left arm was in a sling. Ray had to swallow the first words that came to his lips.
"So, you just gonna sit here waiting for one of those cute male nurses to hold your hand, or are you coming home to your son?" He managed a grin that was almost genuine, when what he really wanted to do was throw his arms around his lover and cry on his chest, just as their son had done earlier.
Ben summoned up a weak smile. "I'm just waiting for the pain-killers they're going to give me."
"You? Taking pain-killers?"
Ben heaved a sigh. "Well, I am very sore, Ray."
"You must be." Ray moved closer at last and bent to kiss him gently on the cheek. "I still can't believe you're alive. Or Fraser."
"Ray, don't." Ben's voice was shaking. Ray touched him lightly. It was still too close for either of them to be able to talk about it.
It made for a rather silent ride home. Ben had taken a couple of the pain-killers before he left the hospital and seemed disinclined to talk at all. It annoyed Ray at first, his temper still very much on edge from having no way to let it out. Then he realised that for Ben, this would be a return to the home he'd left in such painful circumstances. And to Ray's family, who might not be very pleased with the things he had done. No wonder the man was putting up barriers a mile high.
"Hey, Benny... I talked this over with Ma, you know? She's glad you're gonna stay with us a while. You don't need to worry about that."
Ben looked over at him, startled out of his reverie. "Oh. Of course... I hope it won't put her out at all."
"Nah, it's fine. No trouble at all."
When they arrived, he soon discovered his words had been more accurate than he realised. Fraser had been packed off with the other kids to the nearest McDonalds to get them out of the way. There was only Ma there to fuss over them and she'd assumed Ben would sleep in the room they'd once shared.
"Look, it's OK, Benny. I can sleep in Fraser's room and he can double up with Marco. It's no skin off my nose."
Ben was leaning against the wall outside, looking absolutely exhausted. Ray had had to help him up the stairs. His arm still tingled where it had touched Ben's body.
"I'm sure that won't be necessary, Ray. I can sleep on the floor."
"You're not sleeping on the floor, OK?" Ray's temper threatened to overflow. "You've got a busted shoulder and busted ribs. You are not sleeping on the floor."
Ben bit his lip, and nodded reluctantly.
Ray swore under his breath. "Look, just lie down and get some rest. We can sort this out later. You look like death warmed up." His voice started shaking, dammit. He turned away and punched the door frame.
"Ray..."
He wasn't ready to talk about this yet. "I'll get you a glass of water."
When he came back upstairs, Ben was sitting on the edge of the bed. Just sitting, looking down at his knees, biting his lip.
"For God's sake, Benny! Just lie down, willya?"
Ben looked up at him. "I can't get my shoes off, Ray. I'm sorry."
Some of the anger and fear drained out of him. "No, I'm sorry. I should have thought of that. I'll help you."
He knelt and untied the laces, pulled off the running shoes, then stood again. "Want some help with that shirt?"
Ben nodded silently. The nurses had cut his T-shirt off him, Ray had seen it in pieces in the examining room, but the shirt had somehow survived. Ben had probably refused to let them cut it. It was only buttoned halfway, over the top of the sling. He eased Ben down onto the bed and then began to unfasten his jeans.
"Ray..."
"Oh relax, you haven't got anything I haven't seen. And you'll be more comfortable out of them."
That was so demonstrably true that even Ben couldn't argue with it. Ray did his best to ignore the effect that the sight of his lover in nothing more substantial than a pair of white boxer shorts was having on certain parts of his anatomy. He pulled the covers over Ben and went to the window to draw the curtains.
"Get some rest. I'll bring you something to eat later."
Maria and Frannie arrived back with the kids about half an hour later and the house was immediately filled with cheerful noise. Ray noticed that Fraser was basking in his unexpected role of adventure hero. That was probably a good sign, he'd been pretty tearful the last time Ray had seen him. Only the knowledge that his father would be coming home had convinced Fraser to let go the stranglehold he'd had on Ray's neck. Of course he wanted to see Ben, but accepted Ray's reassurances readily enough.
Still, when they all went into the lounge to watch TV, Fraser was more than happy to sit on Ray's lap and be cuddled. Soon his eyelids were drooping and Ray carried him upstairs for his bath before he fell asleep altogether.
It was just a quick wash tonight, neither Ray nor Fraser had the inclination for the usual bathtime play. Ray was buttoning Fraser's pyjama top for him, though Fraser was quite capable of doing it himself, when Fraser asked to see Ben again.
"He's sleeping, Fraser. He's pretty sore, so the doctor gave him some pain-killers."
"Can I see him? Please, Daddy? I promise I'll be quiet."
Few people could resist Fraser when he got that pleading look in his eyes, and Ray certainly wasn't one of them. "OK, but you're not to make a sound. Deal?"
"Deal." Fraser smiled happily.
They peeked in the door. Ben was sprawled across the bed, on his back. The bruises on his chest were almost black now. They looked bad enough to make Ray wince inside. Then his head turned towards them and his eyes opened slowly.
"Daddy?" Fraser's voice was just a whisper.
Ben smiled and held out his good arm to his son. Fraser needed no more invitation than that, slipping from under Ray's hand and running for the bed. He stopped when he reached it and carefully hoisted himself onto the bed beside his father. He hesitated there until Ben's arm came around him, pulling him into a close embrace.
Without intending to, Ray found himself walking over to join them. He sat on the bed beside the two most important people in his life. Ben's face was buried in Fraser's dark hair and he had to swallow hard at the sight of them. He began to stroke Ben's hair gently and after a moment Ben looked up. He bent over and kissed him lightly on the temple.
"I'll go get you some food. I'll be back in a few minutes, OK?"
Ben simply nodded briefly, his attention already straying back to Fraser.
When he got back, Ben was sitting, with every pillow in the room piled up behind him, and Fraser on his lap cradled in one arm against his chest. All he could see were identical dark heads close together, and, once he'd made a noise, identical blue stares from identical pale faces. The two of them had never looked more alike than they did right now.
"OK, Benny, it's dinnertime. And bedtime for you, squirt. No. No arguments. It's Saturday tomorrow remember, you can visit with Benny all day if he'll have you."
He put the tray of food down on the bedside table and held his hand out to Fraser.
"Can Dief sleep on my bed tonight, Daddy? In case I have bad dreams?"
Ray met Ben's amused look over the top of their son's head. "Can you spell manipulation for me, son?" And when Fraser just looked confused. "Sure you can. But just for tonight. We don't want the old furball learning bad habits, do we?"
Fraser smiled happily, not caring in the slightest about Dief's bad habits. He kissed Ben goodnight carefully and went happily off to his room, calling for Dief. Ray moved the heavily laden tray to Ben's lap.
"Here. Get as much of that into you as you can. You don't want to offend Ma do you? I'll be back as soon as he's asleep."
It didn't take long to get Fraser into bed and settled. After all that had happened, the boy was exhausted. He was asleep before Ray had finished the first story. He couldn't bring himself to leave for a moment and sat staring down at the still figure. So like his father. He stroked the fine hair and glanced across at Dief.
"Take care of him for me, Dief."
The wolf growled softly and laid his muzzle down on his paws. Ray ruffled his fur slightly and left.
Ben was leaning back against the pillows when Ray came back, his eyes closed. He'd eaten about half the food on the tray, which wasn't bad considering the amount Ma had piled on it. Ray lifted the tray onto the bedside table again and sat facing his lover.
"Feeling any better, Benny?"
Ben opened his eyes with an effort and managed a small smile. "It was delicious, Ray. Thank your mother for me."
"Sure."
There was an awkward silence. They stared at each other miserably. Then Ben opened his mouth to speak and Ray, afraid of what he might say, overrode him.
"Benny, we gotta talk. I nearly lost both of you today. I don't ever want that to happen again..." The words almost choked him and he broke off, fighting tears.
"Ray..."
Ben's voice was shaking even worse than his own. Before Ray had time to think he was holding Ben in his arms, kissing him, whispering his name over and over. Gently, he eased Ben down onto his back. He wanted quite desperately to make love to him, but that simply wasn't going to be possible, so he had to content himself with caressing the smooth skin wherever it didn't seem to be damaged.
Ben brought up his right hand between them and began, clumsily, to unbutton Ray's shirt. Ray's heart jolted at this first sign that Ben felt the same way. He tried to help with the buttons, but his hands were shaking too much for him to be much use. Finally Ben was sliding the shirt off his shoulders and burying his face against Ray's chest, kissing him urgently, lips searching out his nipple and lingering there. He was starved for this. He slid down and took Ben's mouth in a deep, endless kiss. When, finally, he tried to pull away, Ben slid his hand around the back of his head and kept him there. It was only when Ben could no longer maintain the connection that Ray drew back again. Ben's eyes were half closed, a faint smile hovering about his swollen lips.
He wasn't ready to end it yet... he began to cover Ben's face with careful kisses, his fingers sliding through the silky hair. Slowly he moved down to Ben's jaw, his throat, lingering at the pulse point as Ben sighed and then moaned soft encouragement. Still, it would have to end soon. His body was aching with unsatisfied arousal, and self control had never been one of his strong points. He gave Ben one last kiss, a quick caress of his tongue over a tight nipple, and sat up, breathing hard.
Ben's eyes snapped open, a protest on his lips.
"Benny, you need to rest. And you're about due for another dose of pain-killers."
His lover reached up to him. "Ray, please... I need this more..."
It made his gut churn painfully to hear the raw need in Ben's voice. He slid down beside him. "What do you need, Benny?"
"You." Ben produced a twisted smile. "This... I need you to make love to me, Ray... Please..."
"Oh, Benny..." Ray stroked the flushed face. "You're in no condition to make love. Maybe tomorrow."
"I know I can't do much, Ray." Ben swallowed. "But you could make love to me. I want you to make love to me."
He shook his head reluctantly. "I don't wanna hurt you, love."
Ben closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then looked at him pleadingly. "Please, Ray..."
"Those damn blue eyes of yours..." Ray knew where Fraser got his ability from. He kissed Ben again, tenderly. "OK, but you just take it easy, huh? Let me do all the work."
Ben grinned faintly. "I promise."
He began again on the slow progress of kisses down that wonderful body, trying to avoid any tender spots, but not always succeeding. When he reached the waistband of Ben's shorts he hesitated, still not sure he was doing the right thing, but Ben's hand found the back of his neck, stroking gently, urging him on. He slipped the button free and peeled the cloth back exposing the fine, soft skin of Ben's belly.
Sickeningly, even here there were bruises. Ray caught his breath, and began to place his kisses, carefully on the sensitive skin. He didn't need to hear Ben's soft moans anymore. He doubted if he could have stopped now, his own neediness was too great. The shorts slid down over Ben's hips so easily, and he began to drop tender little kisses over the softly swollen genitals. He was rewarded with a faint stirring in the pale cock and the familiar scent of his lover's arousal.
Too much... he groaned and pressed his face against Ben's thigh, struggling for control for a moment. He slid off the bed, hurriedly discarding his pants and briefs, all too aware of Ben's burning stare. It was an enormous relief to free his aching cock from the restrictiveness of his clothes, but it also brought him another step closer to breaking point.
He reached for the lube that had been sitting in his bedside drawer, untouched for the last three months, and wondered how best to do this without hurting Ben. When he looked again, Ben had shifted and was lying across the bed. He grinned faintly. That would probably be best...
The cool, slick gel sent a shudder through him as he spread it over his cock with a shaking hand. Then he stepped closer to the bed, taking hold of Ben's long legs and spreading them so he could stand between them. He snagged a pillow and slipped it under Ben's hips. There was no sign of discomfort in Ben's face, just overwhelming desire. Maybe this was going to work after all.
He began to smooth the gel down between Ben's cheeks, with more care than was strictly necessary. God, it had been so long... an eternity, it seemed, since they'd last done this. Suddenly he didn't want it to end. His fingers probed carefully, sliding into the hot depths of his lover's body. Ben made a small sound at the back of his throat, almost as though he hurt, but the body holding Ray so sweetly was relaxed and open to him.
They were both nearly at the end of their endurance now, and Ray removed his fingers with some reluctance and slid his cock with slow deliberation into Ben's body. Ben shuddered and moaned, his eyes fixed almost feverishly on Ray's. With an effort, he summoned up a smile. Ray began to move gently inside him, as Ben's legs closed around his waist, moving his hips in a slow rhythm.
It was heaven to feel this again after so long. He'd wondered if he ever would feel it again, this tight, heated grip that seemed to reach to the depths of his soul. He reached down to caress Ben's cock, still stirring sluggishly, and felt it harden slightly. Encouraged, he closed his fingers around it, stroking gently in time with his thrusts. It wouldn't be long now, he could already feel the first tingling sensations of approaching climax.
Ben moved against him suddenly with a stifled cry, and Ray felt his cock tremble in his hands and pulse faintly. A few pearly drops spattered onto the heaving belly and then Ben went quite limp. He'd felt only the slightest of contractions against his cock, but it was all he needed. He pushed himself as far into his lover's body as he could, then held himself there as he climaxed with a long, shuddering series of pulses.
A nagging pain in his shoulder woke him and Ben stirred restlessly for a moment before he remembered that Ray was sleeping beside him. Too late. Ray pushed himself up onto his elbow and inspected him carefully.
"Time for a pain-killer, Benny?"
He hated having to take any kind of drug, but this was necessary, he supposed. He managed a curt nod. Ray smiled at him tenderly and stroked his cheek. And that probably did more to ease him than any drug ever could. But when Ray returned from the bathroom with a glass of water, he swallowed the two white pills obediently and lay back with a sigh.
Ray was watching him. He didn't have to open his eyes to know that. When the pain-killers kicked in, he relaxed a little and turned his head to meet that brooding gaze.
They lay like that for a while, neither of them speaking. At last Ben reached out his hand to touch Ray's face. It was caught in a gentle grip and held, palm inwards, to Ray's lips.
"Benny?"
He summoned up a smile.
"Is it over, Benny? Or is there still a chance for us?" Ray's voice was more subdued than he'd ever heard it, full of pain and uncertainty.
"Ray..." His voice broke, and he had to struggle to start again. "I never meant for this to be a permanent separation. Never. This last three months..." He choked up again and saw tears fill Ray's eyes.
Then Ray's arms were around him, holding him as though he'd never let him go again.
Something startled Ray out of sleep. His first thought was Ben, but he was stirring reluctantly, still half asleep. Then he heard it, a shrill, wordless scream. Fraser.
He was out of the bed and across the hall into Fraser's room in seconds. Dief was whining and nudging at the little boy, but Fraser was still lost in his nightmare. Ray touched his face and spoke his name sharply.
Fraser's eyes opened suddenly and he flung himself into his father's arms sobbing.
"Shush... It's OK, bambino. It was just a dream, it's over now... I'm here..." He caught a sobbed request. "Yes, Benny's here too... in our room... You wanna go see him?"
Fraser hiccuped and nodded against his shoulder.
"All right. Let's just get you cleaned up first. You don't want Benny to see you in a mess do you?"
He got a washcloth from the bathroom and cleaned up Fraser's face then picked him up and carried him back to his own room with Dief trailing at his heels.
Once there, Fraser revived quite remarkably. It was obvious he felt safer with both his fathers there. Now that he was over his fright he began to get sleepy, but he was fighting it, reluctant to go back to his own room. Ray checked the clock. Four am. He sighed.
"Do you want to sleep with us sweetheart?"
Fraser nodded enthusiastically. He knuckled his eyes and blinked sleepily up at Ben. "Is that all right, Daddy?"
Ben hesitated, then smiled. "Of course it is. Come on."
Ray lifted the covers and Fraser burrowed beneath them like some small animal.
"You know, you're spoiling him, Ray."
Ray shrugged. "Yeah, well why not. He's my favourite son, isn't he?"
Fraser giggled. "I'm your only son, Daddy."
"Then I guess that must be why you're my favourite."
A thin pair of arms crept around his neck and a kiss was planted on his cheek. "Thank you Daddy."
"Yeah, sure... can we get some sleep here?"
Morning, and a small foot jammed up hard against his ribs making it hard to breathe. The unmistakable scent of wolf and an unyielding lump at the bottom of the bed. Ray sighed. He lifted his head just enough to check on Ben, but he was still sleeping soundly, lying pretty much alone on his side of the bed. The child and the wolf were both mostly on Ray's side.
He slid out of the bed, pulled on his robe. Stretched. Yawned. Went to the bathroom. When he came back he noticed a brief twitch of Dief's whiskers. The wolf was shamming. Ray snapped his fingers under that long nose and invited Dief, politely, to leave the bed. Surprisingly Fraser didn't wake as Ray carried him back to his own bed. That was fine, he'd had a hard day yesterday, let him sleep it off.
Back to his own room. His and Benny's once more. That was enough to put a smile on his face as he shed his robe and got back into a bed that was once again large enough to take him.
They'd need to talk. There was a lot to talk about, but that was for later. Right now all he wanted to do was to lie there on his side and watch Benny sleep.
"Morning, love."
Ray's voice, rough with a soul deep weariness he was himself all too familiar with. Ben turned his head, stifling a yawn. He felt like he could sleep forever and still be tired. But it was easy to find a smile for Ray. Now.
Warm lips greeted him. Gentle arms slid around him, carefully avoiding his injuries. He lost himself for a while in the smooth interplay of tongues and lips and caressing fingers. Three months and more since he'd last woken like this. How had he survived so long?
It was Ray who ended it, he couldn't have stopped to save his life. He smiled drowsily up at his lover, his friend, the other half of his soul.
"Morning, Ray."
Ray stroked his face gently. "Need any help getting to the bathroom?"
Now that Ray mentioned it, he became aware of a certain discomfort... "Probably."
Ray grinned, and bustled about finding him a robe to wear. He needed some help getting into it, though probably not quite as much help as he got, and then they were off down the hallway. Rather unsteadily, to his dismay. At the bathroom door he was abandoned.
"You're on your own from here, love. Call if you need me."
He snuck a kiss. "I need you, Ray." Another kiss.
"Get outta here." Ray turned him around, grinning, and aimed him through the doorway.
The return trip all but exhausted him. It was disconcerting, to say the least. Ben was only too happy to lie back against the pillows while Ray went downstairs to find them some breakfast. Then he'd be able to take the painkillers. It worried him that he felt so enthusiastic at the prospect of that.
He almost groaned aloud at the sight of the pile of food on the tray Ray carried in. At least this time there'd be two of them eating it. He hoped it was for both of them. Ray plonked the tray down across his lap, went back to close the door, then dropped his robe and climbed into the bed beside him.
"OK. Fraser's outside playing with the other kids. He's fine. And Frannie's gonna keep an eye on him for the rest of the day. I've told everyone that we don't wanna be disturbed unless the house is burning down. So we got all the time we need. You want coffee?"
Even with Ray accounting for three quarters of the food, it took a while to clear the tray. Ben leaned back against the pillows and closed his eyes as Ray cleaned everything away. He sensed Ray bending over him soon after and opened them again. Ray slid an arm under his shoulders and removed a couple of pillows.
"You're more comfortable lying down, aren't ya Benny?"
"Well, yes. But if I lie down I'll probably fall asleep again." He smiled ruefully up at his lover.
Ray leered outrageously. "I have ways of keeping you awake."
He started to laugh, helplessly, then stopped when his ribs protested. Ray slid into the bed beside him and snuggled close.
"You ready to talk, Benny?"
He wasn't, not really, but there might never be a better time.
"Ray... you do understand why I left, don't you?"
Ray sighed. "Yeah, I think so. Maybe you were right, but I still wish you hadn't."
"I had to. I'm not sure why though. I've been going to a psychiatrist and..."
"You have?" Ray sat up, staring at him in surprise.
"Well, I think I needed to, Ray." He looked up at Ray reproachfully. It was uncomfortable enough admitting it, without Ray making a big song and dance out of it.
"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you would. Go to a shrink, I mean." He caught the look. "Uh... I went to one too."
"Oh." He knew how Ray felt about psychiatrists.
"I kinda had some problems with Fraser. Well, with me... I wasn't coping too good."
He simply watched Ray's face. Ray's eyes slid away from him.
"I nearly hit him, one time... It scared the hell out of me. Last thing I want to do is turn into my old man."
Ben knew how Ray felt about his father. He pulled Ray down beside him and kissed him gently. "That won't happen, Ray. You were just..."
"Stressed?"
They smiled at each other.
"You know, it's funny that you should mention that, Ray. My psychiatrist said she thinks that my relationship with my father has a lot to do with how I treat Fraser."
"She does? Wow!" Ray's voice was sarcastic.
Ben raised his eyebrows at the tone. Ray shrugged. "Well, it's pretty standard text-book stuff, Benny. I could have told you that. What else did she have to say?"
"She told me I needed to work through my feelings of anger and abandonment."
"Anything else?"
Ben hesitated. "There's something else... I don't know what it is, Ray. I feel as though I've sorted out a lot of what was happening to me. But... I didn't want to come back until I'd found out what it was. I didn't want to risk hurting you or Fraser again."
Ray's arms went around him. "Well, you're back now, and if you think I'm gonna let you leave again..."
"I don't think I could, Ray."
"So what's this 'something else', Benny? Any ideas at all?"
Ben frowned. "I think... I don't know... It was as though everything was building to a point where I just had to leave. The pressure was becoming unbearable. Then, after I left, it went away. I still can't explain it. That's why I was afraid to come back."
"In case it happened again?"
Ben nodded.
"Well, now we know, we can deal with it. OK, Benny?"
He nodded again, uncertainly this time.
Ray's arms tightened around him. "We will Benny, I promise. And anyway, it may not happen."
He wished he could believe that. But he turned in Ray's arms and kissed him gently.
Ray was returning his kiss with some enthusiasm when he suddenly drew back, his eyes going past Ben's shoulder. Ben turned to see Fraser standing in the open door.
"Fraser, I told you to stay with the other kids. If you need something, go ask Frannie." Ray's voice was unusually stern. Ben had never heard him speak to Fraser like that before.
Fraser's bottom lip started to tremble.
Ben held up a hand. "Ray, I think we should... Come here, Fraser."
Fraser was up on the bed in an instant. He wriggled into the tiny gap between their bodies and looked up at Ben seriously.
"What is it, Fraser?"
Tears welled up in the blue eyes. "If I promise to be really good, will you stay with us, Daddy?"
He stared up at Ray in shock, and saw his own anguish reflected in his lover's face. Fraser, misunderstanding his hesitation, began to sob heart-brokenly. He gathered his son against his chest and stroked his back, searching helplessly for something to say.
"Fraser, I promise you, I didn't leave because of you."
"But I was bad. I said... I said I hated you, but I don't, Daddy. I really don't. I promise I won't be naughty anymore. Please don't go away again."
"Fraser... look at me, son." He pushed Fraser away a little, still holding his arms. Tear filled blue eyes stared up at him. "I swear, there was nothing you did that made me go away. Word of a Mountie."
It was their own catch phrase and Fraser smiled a little, but still didn't look away. He tried to find the words that would convince his son. "Fraser, have you ever felt so awful that you thought everyone else was being horrible to you just so you'd feel bad?"
Fraser nodded, his eyes suddenly lowered.
Ben tried not to think about what had caused his son to feel that bad. He thought he knew. "That was how I was feeling before I went away. I criticised you because I was feeling bad, not because of anything you'd done. I went away so I couldn't hurt you... do you understand, son?"
"I guess..." Fraser's voice was reluctant. "But I promise I'll be good from now on... then you won't have to go away, will you Daddy?"
"Fraser..." Ben sighed, at a loss, for the moment. He looked down at his son, huddled against his chest and tried to remember what it was like to be six years old. He drew in a sharp breath as one particular memory came back.
"Fraser, when I was your age my mother died. She'd been sick for a long time, though I didn't know it. Soon after that my father took me to live with my grandparents. I've told you about them, remember?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"The next day he went away and I didn't see him again for months. For a long time I thought it was my fault that Mum died, and Dad went away. I tried so hard to be good, so that my grandparents wouldn't go away too. But I could never, ever be good enough. It was a long time before I found out that Mum died because she was sick and there was no cure. And Dad went away because he had a job, and he needed to keep it so he could provide me with food and clothing and a place to live. So I was very unhappy and frightened, and there was no need for it. Son... sometimes things happen, and it's not anyone's fault. It wasn't your fault I went away. I needed to go."
The small body relaxed against him and he kissed the dark curls gently. "Do you believe me, Fraser?"
A small nod.
"Good. Don't ever forget that I love you very much, and no matter how naughty you are, I'll never stop loving you. Even if I have to tell you that you're behaving badly, I still love you."
Fraser's body tensed slightly and he sat up. "You're not angry because I asked about my mother?"
The blue eyes met his, a trace of fear in them, but Fraser's face was determined. It was clearly a test.
He smiled through his shock. "I'm not angry, Fraser. In a day or two we'll have a talk, and I'll tell you about her. Is that all right?"
A brilliant smile was answer enough.
Ray suppressed a sigh of relief as the door closed behind Fraser. Ben was looking exhausted, no surprise there. It had been difficult enough just sitting there listening to the two of them working things out.
He lay down and pulled Ben carefully into his arms. Ben's sound arm went around him. Tightened painfully.
"Oh God, Ray... what have I done to him?" He sounded very near tears.
"Shh..." Ray kissed Ben's temple. "He'll be fine. He's over the worst of it, I think. And we can be on the lookout for any trouble."
"I don't know if I can ever forgive myself."
Ray tightened his grip slightly. "Hey. Sometimes things happen, and it's not anyone's fault. Remember? How can you expect Fraser to believe that if you don't?"
"All right, Ray." A weary sigh.
He stroked Ben's back, giving him some time to recover, then... "Hey, Benny?"
"Yes Ray?"
"What you said about thinking your mother's death was your fault..." Ray wondered suddenly if he should bring this up.
Ben looked up at him. "That was true, Ray."
"I know." That much had been obvious. "Um... when did you realise it wasn't your fault, Benny?"
"About ten minutes ago." Ben smiled ruefully.
That explained a lot about his lover... Ray pressed his face against Ben's, at a loss for words.
Eventually Ben relaxed against him, and Ray lifted his head cautiously. But Ben's eyes were still open, and he was smiling a little.
"You wanna sleep? I could go for a while."
Ben's head moved in a lazy negative against the pillow. He smiled again. "I feel like I never want either of us to get out of this bed as long as we live."
Ray grinned. "Sounds good to me."
But Ben's smile had faded. "All my life I tried to live up to what I thought my father wanted from me, Ray. And I never could. I don't even really know what he did want from me. Maybe there was nothing he thought I could offer him. I don't want it to be like that for Fraser and me."
"It won't be, Benny. Don't worry about that. You aren't your father and Fraser's not you." Ray brushed away a strand of hair from Ben's forehead. "And, God knows, he could do a lot worse..."
"Ray, I'm sorry. This has been hard on you too. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Ahh, what's to say? I ain't gonna turn into my old man. No way. I just forgot that for a while, but then I remembered." He smiled down into Ben's pale, serious face. "It's crazy, isn't it? Here we are, two grown men with a kid of our own and we're all screwed up because our fathers weren't the best in the business... I was like you. I wanted to make Pop proud of me, but it never happened and in the end I gave up."
"Did you, Ray?"
He thought about it for a while, then sighed and ran his hand over his skull. "Nah... not really." He laughed sourly. "Ya know? He's been dead for... let's see if I can figure it... twelve years, five months and... um... eleven days... and I still resent him because he never once said he was proud of me."
Beside him, Ben was silent. He glanced down and saw a face frozen with shock. "What is it Benny?"
No answer. He lay down again and took Ben into his arms. After a moment there was a faint gasp and Ben began to tremble.
"Benny, what is it?" It was starting to worry him and he spoke more sharply than he intended. But it seemed to work. Ben took in a deep breath.
"Ray... what you said..." He sounded close to tears again.
"What, Benny? About my old man?"
Ben nodded. "You said he'd been dead for..."
"Yeah? So what?" None of this was making sense to him.
"Mum... she died and..." Ben gasped again, his voice becoming more and more unsteady.
His lover's distress was starting to scare him. "Tell me Benny..."
"She died... and I was six years old..."
"I know Benny, I know that. I understand, love."
"No! I was... I was six years and two months." Ben drew in a sobbing breath. "... and sixteen days... and the day I left..."
It took a moment for the sense of it to sink in. Fighting shock, Ray did the sums in his head. "The day you left Fraser was six years, two months and sixteen days... oh, my God..."
Ben was crying now, harsh, racking sobs against his chest. Ray simply held him, pressing the dark head even closer, his heart aching for the pain of the child Ben had been all those years ago. Why hadn't anyone seen it then? Why hadn't he? But there was a simple answer to that question. Ben had buried the pain so deep he couldn't even remember it himself.
He had a sudden vision of Ben as a child. It wasn't difficult ...just picture Fraser, not in a temper tantrum, but during one of those periods in the last three months when he'd been silent and withdrawn... and no one to bring him out of it, or comfort him. His grandparents had probably been relieved to get such an easy charge, they wouldn't wonder why a child that age should be so serious and quiet.
He held his lover as the sobs gradually eased and Ben's body relaxed into exhausted sleep.
He watched Ben sleep for a while, but the emotions seemed to hang oppressively in the room. He needed to get out and it didn't look like Ben was going to wake any time soon. He slipped out of the bed and dressed.
Downstairs, he collected another cup of coffee from the kitchen and went out to watch the rough and tumble play of the kids in the yard. Fraser came running over, of course, and the others weren't far behind. Ray put the coffee aside and indulged them for a while, letting them climb all over him and wrestle him to the ground.
It wasn't long before he'd had enough of that. He managed to extricate himself and retrieve his coffee, then he wandered over to where Frannie was sitting.
"So you finally managed to drag yourself away from him?" Frannie grinned.
Ray put on his best innocent look. "Hey. We had a lot to talk about."
"Talk. Yeah, right."
"Ahhh... you're jealous!" He grinned over her shoulder.
"Is my wife looking at other men again?"
Frannie turned to the large red-haired man who'd crept up behind her. "Well, you're so ugly. What else can I do?"
He'd never win any beauty contests, but ugly was just a bit unfair... Duncan stared at her sternly. "You can stay at home where you belong. Barefoot and pregnant and busy in the kitchen."
Ray laughed. "Have you tasted her cooking? Be glad you're living with your wife's family, Duncan. Why do you think her first husband divorced her?" He ducked back out of Frannie's reach.
Frannie smirked. "Well, Duncan won't divorce me. He'd never find anyone else to marry him."
"Oh, I don't know. Some people find redheads attractive." Ray smiled, remembering Ben in a long red wig.
Frannie scowled theatrically. "You just keep your hands off him Ray Vecchio. You've already stolen one boyfriend away from me."
"Oh yeah, like anything was ever gonna happen between you and Benny." Ray took pity on his bemused brother-in-law. "Aw, come on, Duncan. Aren't ya going to join in?"
Duncan looked startled. "Me? I'm too much of a peace-loving man"
Ray sighed. "Well, I just hope that bulge of Frannie's has her looks and your temper."
The two of them stared at each other lovingly. Ray got away fast, otherwise he could just bet they'd disappear upstairs and he wouldn't be able to get back to Benny for hours.
He was still asleep when Ray sneaked into the room, but that was OK. Getting that breath of fresh air had chased away his edginess a little and he was happy enough to relax into an armchair and watch his lover sleep.
It was nearly an hour later when Ben woke. Ray smiled at him from across the room and then went over and crawled onto the bed beside him.
"Well, hello, Sleeping Beauty..."
Ben blushed, but then he always did when Ray referred to his looks. It only improved the view as far as Ray was concerned. He leaned over and kissed the still slightly pink cheek. It was pathetic really, the way he kept staring at Ben, but then they'd never been apart for more than a few days at a time since they'd become lovers. He had a lot of time to make up for.
Ben turned his head and returned the kiss, and they lay quietly exchanging kisses for a while until he drew back with a little sigh.
"You look so tired, Ray..." Ben stroked his cheek. "Has it been very bad?"
"Without you? What do you think." Ray smiled at him, to take the sting out of his words, but Ben's face darkened anyway.
"Oh, Ray... I'm so sorry... can you ever forgive me?"
Ray kissed him again. "Easily. Now that you're back."
This time Ben wouldn't release him, he slid his hand around the back of Ray's neck and kept him close. The lingering kiss seemed to last forever. When Ray finally drew back, Ben's eyes were heavy lidded and sultry.
"Lock the door, Ray."
Desire flooded him and he swallowed hard as he slid off the bed and did as he was told. Still standing at the door, he turned and looked back at Ben. God, what a sight... flushed and beautiful, long legs sprawled beneath the covers. He had an idea that brought a seductive smile to his face. He went over to the closet.
Which one to choose? Finally, he decided on the brightest shirt there. Ranging in colour from jade to deep celestial blue with every shade in between, in swirls of peacock colours, it looked fantastic on Ben, though he only ever wore it in bed... Ben's eyes lit up as he carried it back to him.
He'd already discarded his pyjama top, and Ray trailed the soft fabric over his chest, sending a shiver through him. It didn't hurt that Ben needed help to put the shirt on, either. Ray knelt astride Ben's legs and considered. He'd leave it unbuttoned, he thought. The glimpse of bare chest between the loosely wrapped fronts of the shirt was incredibly arousing. He leaned forward, straddling Ben's body on his hands and knees and claimed another kiss.
Oh, this was good. Ben was incredibly responsive, moving beneath him at every slight touch, angling his head so that Ray could gently tongue the jointure of neck and shoulder, or suck on his earlobe. Ray lifted one hand to caress Ben through the cloth, enjoying the slide of it against the skin beneath. Ben was obviously enjoying it too, his body lifted to maintain each fleeting contact as long as possible, and groaned aloud when Ray's fingers grazed a hardened nipple.
Ray watched his face as he slowly rubbed the taut peak clearly visible through the cloth, then bent and flicked it with his tongue. A shudder and moan shook the solid body and Ray applied his mouth, sucking gently. He shifted his position then, to support himself so he could slide his other hand under the silk and stroke Ben's other nipple. When he lifted his head away, the cloth clung wetly to Ben's chest.
Ben gasped and then took in another deep breath. "Ray, your clothes..."
"Oh. Yeah."
He sat back, the view was better that way, and began to pull his sweater over his head. Then his undershirt. Ben's eyes fastened on his chest for a moment then lifted to his face again. Ray grinned. He had to get off the bed while he struggled with his pants, which seemed suddenly to require more concentration than he was capable of. The briefs were a little easier. Naked at last, he swung himself back over Ben on all fours.
"Now... where were we?"
Another long kiss and then Ray resumed the journey down his lover's chest. This time he peeled back the shirt from one side, leaving the other covered... the best of both worlds. The bright silk was startling against such pale skin. He wanted to linger, to draw this out as long as possible, but Ben was already showing signs of tiring. Ben's hand was stroking him, awkwardly. Making love one-handed was a lot more difficult that he'd ever imagined it would be.
When Ben's fingers touched his dangling cock he flinched. It looked like Ben wasn't the only one close to the end. He pulled the covers down, pulled Ben's pyjama bottoms with them until Ben could kick them free. The trailing end of the shirt lay coyly across Ben's groin. Even so it didn't hide much.
Ray straightened and shifted forward, holding Ben's hand lightly against his cock, reaching to touch Ben with his free hand. A dark spot of dampness appeared on the front of the shirt as Ray caressed him, spreading slowly, until the cloth clung to the rounded outline of Ben's cockhead. Ray shivered. He drew the cloth away, feasting his eyes on all that beautiful body, trying to ignore the bruises, which were looking worse today than they had yesterday.
Ben's eyes met his, wide and hungry. "Now, Ray." He had trouble getting the words out.
Ray let himself drop over Ben's body, supporting himself away from Ben's chest by resting on his elbows. It was just a lucky coincidence that this position pushed his groin even more firmly against Ben's as a result. He filed that fact away in his memory and then concentrated on the task at hand.
A half dozen quick thrusts brought them even closer to the edge. Ben was shaking beneath him, trying to thrust up with his hips and lacking the strength to do it.
"Want a pillow, love?"
Ben nodded and Ray reached over to pull one beneath his hips. It was even better after that. Ray tangled his legs with Ben's and simply let himself go. Ben wrapped his arm around Ray's waist and went along for the ride, not really able to do anything else. He felt the change in Ben's body almost immediately, the tremors, turning to shudders, turning to climax. That was all he needed to set him off too.
The instinct to collapse across Ben's chest was almost overwhelming. Instead, Ray managed to roll off to the side, dragging the pillow along, and lie pressed close against him. In compensation, he wrapped his arm around Ben's waist and pressed his lips to the bare shoulder. Ben turned his head and looked at him, eyes soft and loving. They kissed again, briefly, and lay in silence.
Soon Ben was showing every sign of falling asleep again. Ray guessed that he'd be doing a lot of that for a while. He moved away, careful not to disturb his lover and reached for the box of tissues he kept in his drawer. Ben didn't stir as he mopped up their semen from his belly. He cleaned himself up too and then dressed again. He looked back at the bed, and at the long pale body lying on it in a tangle of dark green covers and bright blue-green shirt, topped by tousled dark hair.
Benny was more important to him than anything in his life. Nothing could be allowed to part them again, he decided. Nothing.