Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims to the series' characters by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, Kowalski et.al. belong to Alliance, Paul Haggis and all the creative genius who made this show so special. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, TNT or any other copyright holders of due SOUTH is intended. No money being made here.

Note to the Readers: This one is free verse. Not even a hint of rhyme in it. I'm not even sure why it's broken into stanzas. It's just the way it wanted to be written. Kind of a sad piece, but special to me. I hope you enjoy.


due SOUTH:
The Pain Never Goes
By: Janice R. Sager
E-Mail Me
The pain never leaves you, you know.
You learn to cope and carry on,
but it doesn't really go away.

I still remember the shock of it.
The mind-numbing shock. Walking through my days
as though walking through a dream.

I kept turning around and expecting to see you.
The dream became a nightmare as I slowly realized
that I wouldn't.

I remember the rage also.
I embraced it like a lover. Wooed it and seduced it.
Letting it consume my mind like a fever.

I don't remember the hunt...
but I remember the prey. I remember the smell of his fear.
His wild-eyed look as I shoved him into space.

He wasn't laughing then. No more taunts, no more threats.
I did what I had to do, what any man would do.
I watched him fall without regret.

Only Buck knows the truth. He was there.
And while we both know it was wrong, he doesn't judge me.
He fell, we tell each other, and don't admit that he had help.

Strange how sweet vengeance is before you actually taste it.
Reality is far more bitter. It weighs on one's soul like a scourge.
It is a secret I will take to my grave.

It's not so bad, being dead.
Certainly nothing like I ever thought it would be.
Not heaven, not hell, but somewhere in between.

Now I look out on a divided world. Half dawn, half dusk.
The Borderlands are a lonely place.
I'd thought you'd be here, but you aren't.

I watch my son and try to think where it all went wrong.
I don't know this man, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood.
I was a fool. It's not surprising you're not here.

It's strange how death effects a person.
Stranger yet to get to know my son after the fact.
Are you here somewhere, watching him too?

I'm looking for you, Caroline.
Maybe someday I'll find you again, after I've paid my dues.
And maybe you'll forgive me for being the way I am.

But that comedy's not for today. I wish it were.
I can't believe we'll be apart forever.
There's got to be a finite price for my sins.

And so I'll just keep looking for you,
and watching after the boy. God, how he's grown.
You'd be so proud of him. A better man than I ever was.

I always said I'd tell him that some day. Never did, not directly.
He has my journals now, so I guess I did in a way.
Still feels empty somehow.

A piece of me died with you that day. I think dying for real
was the best thing that could have happened to me,
'cause Ben is helping me find that piece again.

Or maybe peace is the word I want. I'm not sure.
There are times I'm not sure of anything anymore.
Except that I miss you.

Nope, the pain never really goes away.
It lingers even now, in the end of time.
This is one lesson I hope the boy never has to learn the hard way.
***
The End