Disclaimer: This has been written solely for the enjoyment of the readers (and the author). No infringement on copyrights intended.

THE FULL MOUNTIE

(An Amateur's Teleplay of the Worst Kind)

by Renny Ramos

For this piece, I have decided to sink to the bottomless pit of mediocrity, and the sickest, most twisted corners of my brain. Please forgive me. This is what working in a bank has done to me. I just need some fun ...

I have never written a teleplay before; I am not familiar with the technical jargon commonly used with respect to writing these types of material. So please use your imagination to help you out with this...

I've got a basic idea as to how this will eventually be completed; but please feel free to send feedback/comments. Installments will be posted every few days (hopefully); so if you have ideas you'd like to share, please E-mail them to me the soonest you can.

The entire disaster will revolve around some Bee Gees songs; so I suggest you take out their old records/tapes from your collection (if you have them), dust them off, and play them as you read this. Oh, and bring out your other disco-related records, too. Abba, Blondie ...

Have an aspirin or two ready, just in case. This promises to be really silly. Totally out of reality.

As always, please be merciful.

Thanks.

RV - Ray Vecchio

LW - Lt. Welsh

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

JH - Jack Huey

Background Music: "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees

Visuals: Similar to the opening shot in "Saturday Night Fever", where John Travolta jaunts down the streets of New York. In this scene, however, we have a different Italian walking briskly down the streets of --- not New York, but Chicago --- our Favorite Italian, RV. From the streets, he bounds up the stairs leading to the Precinct Office, and walks, walks, walks until he ends up inside the office of LW, where the latter is supposed to brief him, SRK and JH on a new undercover assignment)

(RV opens the door to LW's office, greets LW)

(Background Music fades)

RV: Good morning, Sir.

LW: Good morning.

(RV nods to the SRK and JH in greeting --- SRK and JH are standing in a corner near LW's table; RV joins them)

LW: Good, everyone is here. Let's begin ...

LW: I'm sure we're all aware of the four consecutive murders that have taken place this month.

(The group nods in agreement)

LW: Well, based on investigation, it turns out that all of the victims were male strippers from the top three sex clubs in Chicago. One was a male dancer from Erotica, another from Sexx and two from The Big Ball. We think that the serial killer's next victim will be taken from Club Perv. Since all of the murders took place end of the month, we believe the next hit will occur at around the same time.

SRK: What do you want us to do?

LW: Well, gentlemen ... we're going undercover ... as male strippers.

(RV, SRK and JH look at each other and burst out laughing. They then look at LW, who remains stoic)

LW: It's not April Fool's Day, gentlemen. Unfortunately, all this ... is for real.

(The smile vanishes from the three men's faces)

RV: Oh, boy.

(LW clears his throat)

LW: Club Perv regularly hosts auditions for groups of male strippers every month. That's two weeks from now. We've got to make sure we get accepted. Now, this afternoon, I expect all of you to be here for a more detailed briefing on the case. We'll have someone ... orient us on the basics of strip-dancing three days from now. I want to make it clear that ANYONE who attempts to sneak out of this case will be back on the streets directing traffic. Do I make myself clear?

(The three men look at each other in quiet desperation)

LW: Anyway, in the meantime, I'll be giving you your outfits for the audition.

(LW brings out a big bag, and dips his hand into it)

(LW hands JH a hat shaped like Napoleon Bonaparte's)

JH: I'd rather go on early retirement.

(RV and SRK elbow each other and snigger)

(JH turns to the two)

JH: Shut up!

(LW turns to RV)

LW: This ... is for you.

(LW shows RV a Carmen Miranda outfit)

RV: Carmen Miranda? I'm supposed to dress up like Carmen Miranda?

(RV shakes his head, raises his hands and backs away from the outfit)

RV: Oh, no. I am not going out there wearing produce on my head!

LW: Would you rather wear this, instead?

(LW brings out a blue baby bonnet with white ruffles, and dangles it in front of RV. RV looks at LW inquiringly, as if he's expecting LW to show the rest of the alternative outfit. LW just stares at him. RV realizes there's nothing else BUT the baby bonnet. His face soon registers recognition, then resignation).

RV: Do I get to pick out the fruit?

(SRK laughs loudly, tears running down his face)

SRK: Oh, man! This is so rich!

LW: You there ... don't think you're out of the loop.

(LW hands SRK a black silk bowtie)

LW: This is yours.

(SRK holds the bowtie with both hands, stops laughing. He looks at LW)

SRK: It's just one bowtie.

LW: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Here. Two bowties.

(LW hands SRK a much smaller bowtie in purple, glittering all over with sequins).

SRK: Two bowties?

(LW nods)

SRK: I wear two? Around my neck? This ... it's much too small to go around my neck, isn't it?

LW: It's not a bowtie for your neck.

SRK: Not a bowtie for my neck.

(long pause)

SRK: oh ... You mean ... ?

(SRK points a finger downward. LW nods in agreement. Long pause)

SRK: OH.

(long pause. SRK suddenly makes a mad dash towards the door, but RV and JH grab on to SRK in an attempt to prevent him from leaving)

RV: No way, man! (oof) You're gonna suffer like the rest of us!

(SRK struggles to get out of the men's grip for some time, then gives up)

SRK (anguished, whiny voice): Why is this my life?

RV: You've got THAT right.

(LW brings his hands up, as if to admonish the group)

LW: Men, men, men! That's enough! We're policemen ... we do what we have to do in order to uphold the Law. Now ... if it would make you feel any better ... this is what I have to wear.

(LW brings out a metal mask, similar to the one worn by Anthony Hopkins in "Silence of the Lambs", and tosses it out onto his desk. The group looks at the mask in disbelief)

RV: Oh, boy.

JH: Good grief.

SRK: Why don't we just shoot each other?

(LW ignores the men's comments. He turns to RV)

LW: You need to do something else.

RV: What else? Wax my legs?

LW: Apart from that ... We need to get Constable Fraser to join us.

RV: What?!

SRK: You must be joking!

LW: Look ... we increase our chances of getting into the Club if we've got someone who looks like the Constable ... you know ... stud-like.

RV: Fraser? Stud-like?

SRK (snickers): Stud-like ...

RV: Shut up. You're just envious.

LW: And I know he's done some great undercover work ... I mean, he fooled me --- all of us --- when he walked into that precinct wearing that dress. (LW stares into space momentarily, a slight grin and a glazed look spreading across his face) Good-looking woman, too ... (after a while, he shakes his head, as if to banish the memory from his mind, coughs). Anyway, I think he can play the part.

RV: Sir, I don't know ...

LW: He'll do it for you. If he could dress up, he could dress down ... The success of this project rests in your hands, Vecchio. You've got three days to convince the Constable. I'm counting on you.

(LW addresses the group)

LW: This afternoon, men. Remember.

(LW turns away)

(The group disperses. RV walks away, SRK follows)

SRK (whispers to RV): He means you lose your job if you don't pull it off.

RV: Shut up.

- End of Scene I -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

Visuals:

BF and RV are just walking along the streets, a la "Some Like It Red"

RV: Can I ask you a hypothetical question, Benny?

BF: Sure, Ray.

RV: Okay ... We're friends, right?

BF: The best of friends, Ray.

RV: Suppose I need your help --- you'd be there to help me out, wouldn't you?

BF: Of course, Ray.

RV: Even risk your life for me?

BF: Yes.

RV: So, if you're willing to risk your life for me, you'd even be more willing to do something less risky?

BF: Yes, Ray.

RV: Even do something unusual?

BF: Well, I have dressed up as a woman for you, Ray ...

RV: So ... if I ask you to, say, go undercover as a male stripper, you'd say yes?

(BF stops and looks at Ray in disbelief)

BF: What?! Are you insane?

RV: Oh, come on, Benny! I really, really need your help on this.

BF: Ray, I said "risky", not "risqué"!

RV: Please, please, please ...

(BF begins walking, RV catches up)

BF: No, no, no.

RV: Please, please, PLEAAAAZZZZZZEEEEE!

BF: Ray, you're asking me to expose myself to people I don't even know!

RV: Well, you can think of it as a medical exam with a thousand doctors.

BF: You don't swing your naked parts in front of doctors' faces , Ray.

RV: Ah, please, Benny! Think of it as Duty! Upholding the Law!

BF: I can't dance.

RV: Yes, you can. The high school dance at St. Fortunata's, remember?

BF: That's different.

RV: Yes, you can dance ... Mr. Disco King of the Yukon!

(BF gasps and turns to RV)

BF: How'd you know about that?

RV: Remember when I took you out to Brannie's and you drank all that vodka with tonic water?

BF: I thought it was Sprite, Ray.

RV: Well, you told me ... and when I dropped you off at your apartment you even showed me that photograph in your high school yearbook. Boy, that white suit ... and all those gold chains around your neck ...

BF: Oh, my.

RV: So? Are you going to do it?

RV: Well?

BF: I'm going to regret this ...

RV (smiles): Thanks, buddy.

(BF and RV continue walking)

BF: So, what else did I tell you?

RV: What?

BF: While I was drunk ...

RV: Oh. (long pause) Well, you did tell me about that maple leaf tattoo right in your ...

BF: Oh, dear ...

- End of Scene II -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

MT - Meg Thatcher

TB - Turnbull

MV - Ma Vecchio

Nighttime, at the Consulate's Office. BF is at his desk, writing. MT steps out of her office, her bag and other personal belongings in tow. MT is out of uniform, and dressed up in a tight, red, slinky dress with a wrap-around skirt ---something that was in vogue during the disco years.

MT: I'll be leaving now, Constable.

BF (looks up to glance at MT, then stands up): Oh, yes. Have a good night, Sir.

MT: Are you sure you don't want to leave yet? Get an early start on your vacation.

BF: Oh, um ... thank you, Sir. Actually, I'm just waiting for Detective Vecchio.

MT: Oh!

(MT smiles)

MT: Night out with the boys?

BF: I guess you can call it that.

MT: What? Poker? Football?

BF: Dancing lessons.

(BF blushes)

(MT eyes BF quizzically)

MT: Dancing lessons? At night?

(BF opens mouth to reply, but MT raises one hand up to silence him)

MT: No, never mind. I'm sure you've got a good ... long reason for it. Let's just leave it at that.

BF: As you wish, Sir.

MT: Well, have an enjoyable vacation, Constable.

BF: Thank you very much, Sir.

(MT heads for the door. BF starts rearranging his files. MT stops at the door, turns to face BF)

MT: Maybe I'll get to see you dance sometime, Constable?

BF (almost to himself): God, I hope not.

MT: Excuse me?

BF: Good, I'd like that! Yes, that's ... that's what I said.

MT: Good. Well, good night.

BF: Good night, Sir. Ah, Sir?

MT: Yes?

BF: I hope I'm not being too forward, but ... I'd just like to say ... your dress ... it's very becoming.

(MT smiles at BF, runs a hand quickly through her hair)

MT: Thank you, I ... I'm going out tonight.

BF: Oh. A date, you mean.

MT: Oh, no. Nothing like that. Just a ... quiet get-together with some girls.

BF: Oh. That's good.

MT: Well, good night, Constable.

BF: Good night, Sir.

(MT heads out of the Consulate's Office, and waits by the stairs outside the building. A car stops in front of the building. MT approaches the car, peers past the rolled-down car window. She smiles at the driver of the car: an unusually slick and handsome TB, who then shows MT two entrance tickets to Club Perv)

(Cut scene back to BF)

(BF is seated once more on his desk, writing . The phone rings, BF picks it up)

BF: Consulate's Office, Constable Fraser speaking ... Oh. Hi, Ray. Half an hour? Okay. Yes, I'll see you then.

(BF puts down receiver, places palm over eyes)

BF: God, help me.

(Cut to scene of RV at home)

(RV puts down receiver, emits a big sigh. Gets big bag from outside his closet, heads out of his bedroom. He meets MV at the foot of the stairs, just near the door).

RV: Ma, I'll be going now.

MV: Okay, caro. But I just don't understand why you and Benton have to leave tonight. Can't you do it tomorrow morning instead?

RV: The flights back North are all filled up, Ma. This is the only scheduled flight that's available.

MV: Oh, okay.

RV: Bye, Ma.

MV: Okay, caro.

(MV kisses RV on the cheeks)

MV: Make sure you and Benton stay away from trouble.

(RV kisses MV and hugs her)

MV: Yes, Ma.

(RV heads out of the door, to his car. He turns the ignition on)

RV (sighs to himself, chants): I think I can, I think I can, I think I can ...

(MV waits by the door, and waves goodbye as RV drives away from sight)

(MV enters the house. The phone rings; she picks it up)

MV: Hello? Oh, hi, Marge. Oh, the children aren't here. Ray just left --- yes, that vacation I told you about. Frannie? She's out on a date. So, where did you say we were going?

(MV giggles)

MV: Oh, my. I don't believe I'm actually doing this.

(MV giggles again)

MV: Oh, alright. I'll be ready in an hour. Okay, I'll wait for you. Yes, yes. Alright. Bye.

(MV puts down the phone)

MV: Club Perv ... my children will have a fit if they ever find out!

• End of Scene III -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

MT - Meg Thatcher

CT - Constable Turnbull

LW - Lt. Welsh

JH - Jack Huey

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

MV - Ma Vecchio

MF - Ma's Friend

AM - Audition Master

EC - Evil Cop

Collage of cut-to-cut shots (similar to the stakeout scene in "You Must Remember This") to the tune of "You Should Be Dancing" by the Bee Gees:

The scene begins with the last cut-to-cut shot of BF and RV parking near the Club. The two characters step out of the car, and proceed to get their bags from the trunk of the car. As RV prepares to close the trunk's lid shut, his cellular phone rings. He gets the call. Background music fades)

RV: Ee-yel-low. (RV's posture straightens and his voice turns crisp and brisk). Oh, it's you, Sir. (pause) Yes, we're already at the Club, Sir. We just got here. (longer pause) An emergency? (He looks at BF, who looks at RV inquiringly. Long, long pause). So ... you won't be able to make it here, Sir? (RV silently screams, "Yes, yes, yes!" in triumphant joy, brings one arm up and down the air, and hops around. But after a while, he stops jumping around, and his face falls. Long, long pause) I understand, Sir. Yes, Sir. Okay. Goodbye, Sir.

(RV turns off his phone, hands it to BF, then proceeds to silently bang his head against the top of the Riv)

BF: Ray, what did the Lieutenant say?

RV: You wouldn't wanna know, Benny.

BF: I don't?

(RV sighs, and turns to face BF)

RV: Their car broke down.

BF: And?

RV: A policeman helped them move the car off the road onto a shoulder.

BF: Ah, that's good.

RV: Only the policeman wanted to give them a ticket for obstruction of traffic.

BF: Ah, that's bad.

RV: But the policeman offered to let them go.

BF: Good.

RV: If they paid him $500 dollars.

BF: Oh. Bad.

RV: It turns out to he was a fake cop --- good thing the car started --- they caught him two blocks down.

BF: The guy's in jail, then?

RV: Yeah.

BF: Good. So, what's the problem?

RV: They're still at the precinct ... the car died on them again.

BF: Oh. OH.

RV: They won't make it in time for the audition. The Lieutenant says we have to try and get in tonight, just the same.

BF: Just us?

(RV nods)

BF: We're going to throw everything we've practiced for all this time ... and do this ... all by ourselves?

(long pause)

BF: You're right. I don't want to know.

(RV looks at BF)

(Cut to the dancefloor inside Club Perv. Shot shows two groups of people unknowingly moving towards each other: the group of MV, as well as MT and CT. At one point, MV bumps into MT)

MT: Oh, I'm sorry.

MV (smiles): Oh, that's quite alright, dear. (pauses) Your dress is lovely.

MT (smooths out dress as she continues to bob to the music): Oh, thank you.

(MV smiles, nods, waves goodbye, as their group returns to dancing. MT and CT also continue dancing)

(Cut to backstage scene. BF and RV approach the Club's AM, a big, hunky-looking fellow who looks like the main character from "The Sentinel")

RV: We're here to audition?

(AM looks at the two briefly, nods)

AM: Okay. You're on in twenty minutes.

(BF and RV look at the AM in disbelief)

RV: That's it?

AM: Yup.

RV: You don't even want to see ...

AM: Nope.

RV: But I thought ...

AM: Oh, no. I'm just here to schedule the lineup. We really let the audience decide. If they lynch you, that means they didn't like you. If they don't, we hire you. That's all there is to it.

(AM guides the two towards a room)

AM: This is the dressing room. Just get ready ... I'll call you when it's time. Oh, by the way, what song do you guys want to use? You have a tape with you?

RV: Use? Tape? No tape. Ah .... Bee Gees. Any Bee Gees song, yeah.

(AM pauses)

AM: Bee Gees? Who still does disco?

RV: He --- I --- we do. We're ... we're big John Travolta fans, yeah. We do our best numbers to disco. Don't we? (RV turns to BF, and makes a face as if to say, "Just agree with what I said, okay?!")

BF: Oh, yes. We do.

AM: Well, alright.

(AM turns his back on the two)

AM (shakes his head): Disco ...

(AM chuckles and steps out of the dressing room)

- End of Scene IV -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

MT - Meg Thatcher

TB - Turnbull

MV - Ma Vecchio

MF - Ma's Friend

AM - Audition Master

FV - Frannie Vecchio

HAM - Happy Audience Member

BD - Ben's Dad

RD - Ray's Dad

BF and RV are still in the dressing room, looking at their images in the mirror. RV appears to "analyze" his and BF's looks briefly. He then turns to BF.

RV: Well, here goes nothing.

(RV begins to take off his baseball jacket and black shirt)

RV: Give me your jacket.

(BF raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. He takes off his leather jacket and hands it over to RV. RV puts on BF's leather jacket over his bare upper body)

RV: Okay. Now, take off your shirt and wear mine.

(BF follows RV's instructions)

BF: This shirt is ... tight, Ray.

(BF expels air through his mouth, WHEW!)

RV: It's supposed to be tight. Okay. What else ...

(RV looks around the room, sees a bottle of mineral water. He pours water onto one hand and proceeds to wet BF's hair with it until BF's hair looks spiky and gelled up)

RV: Okay, that's better.

(RV gives BF's head two tiny pats, then looks at himself in the mirror, stretches his neck from side to side)

(AM returns to the room)

AM: You're on, you two. Good luck.

(RV nods, turns briefly to BF)

RF: Come on, Benny. Showtime.

(RF proceeds to leave the dressing room. BF continues to stay in the room, looks at himself in the mirror, starts to psyche himself up)

BF: I am not afraid to bare myself in front of all these women ... men ... all of them ...

I am! I can do anything! I am a Mountie!

(BF starts to leave, returns)

BF (mutters to himself): I can't, I can't, I can't do it.

(BF paces around room)

(RV returns)

RV: Fraser, what are you doing?

BF: Looking for a paper bag.

RV: Paper bag?

BF: To put over my head.

RV: Aw, come on ...

(RV drags BF out of the room, until the two are just behind the stage's curtain . Music begins: "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees.)

(Cut to scene of FV entering the club with friends and HAM. They find a spot near the stage)

(Cut to scene of BF and RV. The two breathe deeply, step out onto the stage and begin to dance)

(Cut to shots of MV, MT and CT, and FV who freeze at the sight that greets them)

(Shot of MV, MF and dates)

MF: I didn't know your son had a side job.

MV: I didn't, either.

(Shot of MT and CT)

MT: Oh, dear.

(CT looks at the stage, covers MT's eyes with one of his hands, even as he continues to watch)

(FV looks stunned)

FV: Oh, my God ...

(Cut back to stage)

(Crowd chants) TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT ALL OFF!

BF: Remind me never to say yes to your hypothetical questions again, Ray.

RV: Even Steven, Benny.

(BF continues to dance, pauses briefly)

BF: Oh, dear.

RV: What's wrong now?

BF: Well, apparently, my fear of disrobing in public has induced a psychosomatic reaction that has made itself manifest through the freezing of my upper extremities.

RV: English, Fraser?

BF: It means I'm scared to death and my arms won't move at all, Ray.

RV: Oh man, Oh man, Oh man ...

RV: Alright, here's what we'll do. Turn, Fraser.

BF: Turn where, Ray?

RV: Face me.

RV: Okay, that's it. Keep dancing.

(RV proceeds to take off BF's shirt)

RV: (Oof) It won't come off.

BF: It's really tight, Ray.

(RV rips shirt off BF)

(Crowd roars)

(Cut to shot of FV and HAM)

HAM (to FV): Kinky.

(Cut to scene of BF and RV)

(Crowd chants) Oil, oil, OIL! Oil, oil, OIL!

RV: Moil? Toil? What the hell are they talking about?

BF: I think ... they want you to oil me, Ray.

RV: Uh-oh.

(A bottle of oil gets thrown at RV, which he catches)

RV: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(RV proceeds to oil BF)

(Cut to shot of HAM, FV and friends)

HAM (yells): Take it ALL off!

(Crowd follows lead, begins to chant): Off, off, OFF! Off, off, OFF!

(BF begins to back away from stage)

(AM, waiting at the wings, yells)

AM: Go back! Go back!

BF: They want us off ...

AM: Not off the stage, you idiot!

BF: They want ... oh.

RV: Oh?

BF: Take everything off, Ray.

RV (sarcastically): No kidding.

BF: We have to do it, Ray.

RV: Yeah, yeah. I know. They're gonna lynch us.

(The two continue to dance)

RV: Can you move your arms now, Benny?

BF: I'm afraid not, Ray.

RV: Why is this my life? I don't know about you but I'm going to get myself very, very drunk after all this is over.

BF: Same here, Ray.

RV (grumbling): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(RV yanks belt from his pants, swings it above his head, and throws it to the floor. He slides out of his pants and continues to dance. Screen won't show any body parts, but scene will just suggest the disrobing)

RV: Your turn, Fraser.

BF: I can't move my arms, Ray --- you know that ...

RV: Of course I do --- what do you think I am, stupid?

(RV places BF's hands on his shoulders)

RV: I'm unbuckling your belt now, okay?

RV: I'm going to get you out of your pants now, okay? Don't trip on them.

BF: Oh, dear. I think I feel a little faint now, Ray.

RV: Throw up on me and I'm gonna strangle you with your belt, you hear?

RV: They're undone. When I count to three, I'll yank everything down. Step out of them, okay? Don't trip.

RV: Okay ... one ... two ...

(Crowd roars)

(Cut to scenes of MT, TB and FV)

(MT yanks hand away from TB, sees everything, watches as TB passes out in a dead faint, gets cocktail napkin and fans TB)

(FV pours drink over head)

(Cut back to scene of BF and RV dancing, away from each other now, to opposing ends of the stage)

(BD appears on stage)

BD: Good grief, son! A Mountie's supposed to get his man --- not the other way around!

BF: Dad, if you don't mind, I'm working undercover.

BD: I wouldn't be here if you HAD cover!

(RD appears on stage)

RD: Why do you keep on doing this to me?

RV: What are you doing here?

RD: What am I doing here? Turning over in my grave, that's what I'm doing. Your Ma raises you to be a good Catholic boy and you do this?

RV: I'm working undercover.

RD: What cover? You're flapping your weenie with that crazy friend of yours ...

(BF and RV dance back to center stage)

BD (hands BF a table cloth): Here. Wear this before you catch cold.

BF: Dad, we've been through this. You are once again handing me an imaginary object.

BD: Well, find something, son! You look like Adam frolicking in the garden. Horribly indecent ...

BF: Dad ...

BD: Find a potted plant ...

BF: Dad ...

BD: A table cloth ...

BF: Dad ...

BD: A cocktail napkin, for God's sake!

(BF and RV are back-to-back now. RV appears as if he's arguing with RD)

BF and RV (in unison): Dad ... give me a break!

(They turn to each other)

BF and RV (In unison):

BF and RV: What?

BF and RV: Who are you talking to?

BF and RV: Not you.

BF and RV: Huh?

BF and RV: Never mind.

BF: Can we go now, Ray?

RV: Okay. Let's get outta here, fast.

(BF and RV finally exit the stage. AM approaches)

AM: Okay. You're in.

RV (mutters to himself): Rats.

AM: Excuse me?

RV: I mean, thanks ... yeah. Thanks.

AM: You guys get dressed up, and we'll talk later. I'll just need to get the others on the lineup on the stage. Meet you in the dressing room in ... half an hour?

RV: Yeah, okay.

(RV notices BF looking dazed)

RV: Are you alright, Benny?

BF: I think a need a drink, Ray.

RV: Shot or two?

BF: Make it a bottle.

RV: Understood.

• End of Scene V -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

LW - Lt. Welsh

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

JH - Jack Huey

RV and BF are in the Riv.

RV: Yes, Sir. We'll meet you at the precinct ... okay. Bye.

(RV hands the cellphone back to BF, who remains silent. RV looks at him momentarily)

RV: Welsh says he'll see us tomorrow, first thing in the morning.

(BF nods, still silent. BF looks out the car window)

RV: You okay, Benny?

(BF nods silently. RV looks at him quickly, focuses his eyes back on the road, a grin spreading across his face)

RV (chuckling): You're sulking.

BF (sighs): No I'm not.

RV: Yes, you are.

(BF turns his head to look at RV)

BF (annoyed now): Ray ... I NEVER sulk.

RV: Oh, really, now? So, why does your bottom lip look like it wants to detach itself from your face?

BF: Ray ...

RV: Go on, admit it. He got to you, didn't he?

BF: Well ...

RV: Actually, Benny, he's right. You WERE a bit stiff out there.

BF (huffs): You're taking HIS side now? (BF shakes his head and crosses his arms across his chest)I don't believe this.

RV: Benny, face it. You weren't exactly pliant out there. If you were, I wouldn't have had to pry your arms off me, would I?

BF: It was a psychosomatic reaction ...

RV: That manifested itself in the freezing of your upper extremities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I also know you're the Mountie version of John Travolta. But he doesn't know that, and he doesn't care, right? (RV stops, then resumes talking, a little gently now) Look, Benny ... All he cares about is the two of us giving the audience what it wants. Those people, they they don't want us all shy there, right? We can't afford to show them we're just faking this. We'll blow our cover and our chances ...

BF: Alright, Ray. I understand.

RV: Okay. Good.

(The two remain silent. RV looks quickly at Ben then runs a hand across his chin)

RV: If it's any consolation, I actually think you did quite well, for someone who isn't really ... you know ...

BF: Really?

RV: Oh, yeah.

(BF smiles a bit)

BF: Why, thank you, Ray!

RV: Hey, no problem.

BF: You were ... okay, too.

(RV looks quizzically at BF)

RV: Yeah?

BF: Oh, yes. I admired how relaxed you appeared to be. Considering ...

RV: Considering ... why, thank you!

BF: Can you teach me?

RV: Teach you what?

BF: That.

RV: How to be relaxed, you mean?

BF: Yes. All in the interest of Duty, of course.

RV: Of course.

RV: You're sure about this?

BF: Yes.

(RV ponders the request for a time)

RV: Okay. You have dance music tapes in your apartment?

BF: I do have some old disco records and tapes ...

RV: Good.

(Inside BF's bedroom. BF hands RV a bunch of old tapes and records, which he sifts through, until he finds a tape he likes. RV tosses the other tapes and records on BF's bed, turns to the player located near the bed and cues the music he has selected. He then takes his seat on a rickety-looking chair next to the bed. BF stands in front of him. Distance, about 4-5 feet away from where RV is seated.)

RV: Okay. So, let's say I'm the audience.

BF: There's only one of you, Ray.

RV: So, multiply me by a thousand! Okay. So, let's say you're me.

BF: How can I be you, Ray? You're out there in the audience ...

(RV glares at him)

RV: Benny, ask me any more questions like that and I'll feed you to your Wolf ...

(BF raises his hands to appease RV)

BF: Sorry.

RV: Anyway, where was I ... okay. It's really simple, what I did. All I did was, I just tried to imagine that everyone else in the audience was in the buff.

BF: In the buff?

RV: Yup. In the buff. That way I could relax, because, well, I'd think that I wasn't the only one in my birthday suit. Do you think you can do that?

(BF closes his eyes for about thirty seconds, then shakes his head and opens his eyes to look at RV)

BF: My imagination's not working, Ray.

RV: It's not?

BF: You'd have to undress ...

RV: You must be kidding.

(RV looks at BF, then sighs heavily)

RV: Oh, man! Alright, alright. The things I do for you ...

(Focus on BF's blank reaction as he supposedly watches RV undress. Shot returns to RV, now top-naked, with a big pillow on his lap, and his clothes next to the bed)

RV: Happy now? So, anyway ... There are a thousand of me out there, watching you. What do you do now?

(BF closes his eyes and tries to make his imagination work. He snaps his eyes wide open in apprehension, then places his palms over his eyes)

RV (whines): No, no, no, no! What are you doing?

BF (shakes his head as he continues to press palms over eyes): Oh, dear.

RV (raps his head with his knuckles, over and over): Oh, good grief.

RV: Okay, pretend it's just me then.

(BF slowly removes his palms from his eyes)

BF: Just you?

RV: Yeah, Benny. Just me. Best-buddy-Ray.

(BF sighs, then nods. Shot of RV, who turns on the music and sits back to watch BF. RV nods, smiles quickly, nods again. His face registers encouragement, then relief)

RV (whispering to himself): Hey, it's working!

RV (to BF): Great, Benny! Just keep thinking good thoughts of me, here.

(RV looks to the sky and mouths silently "Thank you!") That's it.

(RV's reaction turns from relief, to amazement, then disbelief)

RV (his jaw dropping): Ho-ly COW ...

(RV absently leans back against the chair and topples to the floor. RV kneels to BF's side)

BF (concerned): Ray, are you alright?

RV (sounding shocked): Gee, Benny. I never thought you'd be THAT relaxed.

BF: Sorry, Ray.

(Dead silence)

BF: So, how did I do?

RV: You knocked me off my seat, Benny.

BF: So ... I take it, it's a good thing?

RV: Well, at the very least, it's unnerving, Benny. Are you planning on doing that again?

BF: Well ... as long as you remain my best friend tomorrow, Ray.

(Dead silence)

RV: Wow. What you did ... that didn't hurt, did it?

BF: Don't worry, Ray. The bones are still in the proper sockets.

(RV and BF raise their heads at the sound of a door opening, and a loud EHERM! They see LW, SRK and JH looking at them quizzically)

LW: We're not interrupting anything here, are we?

(BF and RV look at each other, then at LW and the others)

• End of Scene VI -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

LW - Lt. Welsh

JH - Jack Huey

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

(BF and RV struggle to get into a standing position. They get their respective bundles of discarded clothing and put them on. LW, SRK and JH look on in contained amusement.)

BF (struggling to put on clothes and almost stumbling in the process): Well, we were just, ah ...

RV (also putting on clothes): I was just teaching him to relax.

SRK (grinning widely): And we see you've succeeded quite well, too.

(RV glares at SRK)

RV (through gritted teeth): For-his-numberrrr.

(SRK looks at him teasingly)

(RV looks at LW, almost innocently)

RV: What brings you here? I thought our meeting wasn't until tomorrow.

(LW looks at SRK and JH, then at RV)

LW: Well, interesting developments have certainly taken place tonight.

(BF and RV sit on the bed, and look at LW)

LW: Constable, while you and Detective Vecchio were in the club, did you notice anything unusual at all?

RV (whispering to BF): How about the word "everything," Benny?

(BF ignores RV's comment, and closes his eyes as if recalling something. A flash of white comes up on screen to indicate a flashback moment, and a shot -- as if from BF's viewpoint -- emerges. Shot shows bright lights, a mass of excited people, and to the left, quick flashes of light. BF opens his eyes.)

BF: Flashes of light. I saw flashes of light.

LW: Like from a camera?

BF: Yes. I think so. That could be it.

(LW looks to SRK and JH)

LW: Well, we received an anonymous call from a payphone just a few minutes ago.

BF: A tip?

LW (shakes his head): No. More like a threat.

RV: The killer ...

LW: He told us to check out under the benches near the park. (LW motions to JH, who hands him an envelope. LW hands the envelope to BF, who then proceeds to take out its contents: several photographs of BF and RV taken at the club, together with one photograph, marked in red. BF hands the photographs to RV.)

RV (reads the red-colored message scrawled on one of the photographs): Eenie meenie mynie mo. These two are the next to go. Ugh. What a bad poet. (RV hands the photographs back to LW.)

LW: We couldn't find any witness who could provide a description of the caller; the park was pretty much deserted by then. We couldn't find any prints on the photographs, either.

RV: Oh. (RV looks momentarily at BF, then at LW)

RV: Well, he'll come for us, that's for sure (RV brings a hand out and absent-mindedly pinches his lips. BF looks on).

LW: Huey and Kowalski shall stay near you at all times to provide backup. Anyway, just be careful. He might go after you anytime.

(BF and RV nod)

- End of Scene VII -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

JH - Jack Huey

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

AM - Audience Master

PK - Psychopath Killer

Showtime at the Club. BF and RV are waiting in the wings, waiting for their music to get cued. This time, BF the two are dressed up like yuppies: steel-rimmed glasses, white shirt and tie, slacks.)

RV: Do you see Huey and Kowalski from here, Benny?

BF (tries to spot the two, finds them among the crowd): They're there, Ray. I saw them.

RV: Ah, good. (RV licks lips nervously)

(The music starts playing: "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer. AM appears from behind them)

AM: You're on, boys.

(RV and BF nod at AM. AM leaves)

RV: Well, here goes nothing ... AGAIN. See ya later, Benny.

BF: Yes, Ray.

(RV steps out onto the stage and is greeted by a wave of enthusiasm by audience. He begins dancing. From time to time, he'd sneak a look back at BF, who'd respond with nods of the head or dancing/sexy motions of his own, as if to encourage RV. RV dances his way about halfway through the music, and goes back to BF. When he reaches BF, RV is already top-naked.)

RV: Your turn. Remember: It's just me in the audience ...

(RV gently pushes BF onto the stage. His appearance sends the audience into a wild frenzy. At first, BF looks frozen and wild-eyed. But he sighs deeply, then swallows, as if to psyche himself up.

He begins dancing; but this time, BF dances VERY seductively. Lips pouting and eyes blazing, he stares directly into the audience and starts taking his clothes off v-e-r-y slowly. Turns his back to the audience, slips belt out of trousers v-e-r-y slowly, faces audience and removes shirt v-e-r-y slowly, button per button. Through it all, he refuses to take his eyes off audience. The shirt and tie off, and top-naked now, he slides his hands languidly along his upper chest and stop at the top of his slacks. The audience get even wilder.)

(Shot moves to JH and SRK, who both look at BF in disbelief)

SRK: Wow.

JH: Wow.

(The two's eyes bug out)

JH (excitedly): Hot damn! What was THAT?

SRK: I wonder if that hurt ...

(Shot moves back to RV, who then joins BF on the stage. By this time, BF is top-naked, too. BF and RV turn to face each other, naughty grins spreading across their faces. BF raises his arms above his head, fingers snapping, head bobbing to the music, hips swaying sexily to the beat. He bites his lip, grins momentarily, then pouts. He stares at RV. RV leans very close to BF, his face very near BF's. He gazes into BF's eyes and pouts. His shoulders move to the beat. The females in the audience scream like crazy.)

(Shot cuts quickly back to backstage.)

(Visual backstage: Gloved hand of a man tossing bloodied knife to the floor. Shot shows man --- dressed in security garb --- lying facedown on the floor. The shot moves down towards feet of gloved man. Shot travels to where the gloved man is going: towards backstage. Shot moves to hand of gloved man, who holds on to stage curtain and pulls it back, just a little, to reveal BF and RV, still dancing.)

(Visual cuts back to stage. The music over, BF and RV return to backstage. BF walks ahead of RV. Shot only shows the two from the chest up; presumably, both are in the buff)

RV (breathlessly): I think ... I think we're getting the hang of things, don't you think so?

BF (also breathlessly): I think you're right, Ray.

(BF and RV continue to walk in silence.)

(Visual: Backshot of BF and RV. A gloved hand grabs RV and pulls him away from BF. BF continues to walk. BF turns his head as if to say something to RV, then notices that RV is gone.)

BF: Ray? Ray? (mutters) Oh, no.

(BF retraces steps, eyes wandering)

BF: Ray?

(A hand gloved grabs BF)

- End of Scene VIII -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

PK - Psychotic killer

JH - Jack Huey

SRK - Stanley Ray Kowalski

A dirty, abandoned room. BF and RV, both standing in the middle of the room, are bound tightly to each other a la "All the Queen's Horses". BF's arms are resting on RV's shoulders, his hands bound with a thick piece of rope and leather belt. RV's arms are wrapped around BF's waist, his hands bound by handcuffs. Their legs and feet are likewise bound by rope.

The left side of the room features a sidetable and a bed. The right side of the room features a nail protruding from the wall.

RV (muttering): For once, just this once ...can't I get tied up without my life hanging in the balance?

(BF ignores RV's comment and starts looking around the room, as if looking for tools and means of escape. Flashes of light appear; the two squint at the brightness.)

(Cut to shot of PK. PK's face is obscured by the professional camera he is holding. When he brings the camera down, the shot reveals ... AM!)

PK/AM (laughing like a maniac): Ah, boys! You should have seen that look on your faces. Such a priceless look! And, what a pose! Ah, I'm going to love adding those shots to my collection. I think I'm going to call them ... "Beef Before." That's before I do this. (PK/AM brings out knife and slashes the air) Then, I'll call your photos ... guess what? ... MEATBALLS AFTER! (laughs hysterically)

(BF and RV look at each other, then at PK/AM. RV looks as if to say, "What a bad poet!")

BF: What collection are you talking about?

(PK/AM pauses, then looks at BF)

PK/AM: My collection of photos --- of your stripping colleagues. Dead, too, if I may add.

BF: Dead?

PK/AM: Ah, yes. Have you heard of the deaths in Erotica, Sexx and The Big Ball? All my handiwork. And you'll be the next ... (PK/AM grins evilly)

BF: Why ...

(PK/AM reaches across BF's face, taps it gently)

PK/AM: Don't worry your handsome little face about it. All you (PK/AM looks briefly at RV, smiles) --- and your partner here --- have to think about is, what ... your life? Savor it boys, because tomorrow, you won't have it.

(PK/AM begins to walk away)

PK/AM: Now ... I'll leave you two alone. I need to work. And, oh ...

(PK/AM slings keys across the protruding nail)

PK/AM: Ain't I a stinker?

(PK grins evilly then closes the door)

(RV and BF look at each other)

RV: Good. A dumb killer!

(Next shot: RV and BF hopping across the room, towards the keys left hanging by PK/AM. Finally, they reach the end of the room.)

RV (breathlessly): So ... here's our plan: You take the key from the hook, you give it to me, I'll throw it on the table, I'll set us free. Got it?

BF: Clever plan, Ray.

RV: Thanks, Benny.

(BF nods. The two hop, hop, hop until their bodies and heads are positioned parallel to the wall.

BF uses his teeth to take the key off the nail. RV opens his mouth, BF leans close to pass the key to RV. RV's teeth pulls down on the keys. BF licks his lips, exhales "Whew!". The two look at each other.)

BF: One hop at each count of three, Ray. Okay?

(RV nods head)

BF: One ... two ... three (the two make one hop towards the table). One ... two ... three ...

(BF and RV continue hopping until they reach the side of the bed and sidetable)

BF (breathlessly): Throw it on the table!

RV: ow-ay! ow-ay! (OK! OK!)

BF: Okay. At the count of three ... one ... two ... THREE!

(RV throws his head and lets go of the keys ... which lands on the bed instead.)

(BF and RV look at each other. They then hop, hop, hop to position themselves against the bed. The two pitch themselves forward on top of the bed, RV landing on top of BF)

RV: Oof!

(BF and RV remain silent. All that can be heard would be the two boys' exhausted breathing)

RV (panting): Can we ... rest for a while, Benny? I'm winded.

(BF nods and continues to breath heavily. The two remain silent for a time.)

BF: Ray ... Can you ... feel the key on the bed? Have you got it?

RV: I think so, Benny.

BF: I'll roll towards the side, so you can set yourself free ... okay?

RV: Yeah, yeah.

(BF rolls to the side. RV uses the key to free himself. That done, he reaches back and unties BF's rope.)

RV: What about our legs?

BF: Oh, dear. Well ... (oof!) ... maybe we can shake it loose ...

(BF and RV move their legs and feet until the ropes come loose. They rise from the bed)

(BF uses the key to open the door and rushes outside. RV follows.)

(BD and RD appear on the scene and run after the two boys. Each are carrying cloth table napkins.)

BD: Wait, son! Put this around you ...

RD (running behind BD): Hey, you! Come back here!

(BF and RV run backstage and try to look for AM/PK. They see PK/AM among the audience. They rush back onstage, and interrupt the ongoing dance number.)

RV (pointing to AM/PK and yelling to Huey and Kowalski): It's HIM! Get him!

(AM/PK gets a look of shock on his face, then starts running. JH and SRK bring out their guns. The room erupts into chaos. They run after AM/PK and collar him).

(BF and RV look at each other, satisfied that the killer had been found. They then realize that they're still in the buff, and run to the nearest potted plant for cover.)

- End of Scene IX -

BF - Benton Fraser

RV - Ray Vecchio

BF's apartment. BF and RV are in the dining area, having Chinese takeout. Background sound: Typical concluding "Due South" guitar riff)

RV (In between bites): So, what happened at work today?

BF (picking through his takeout box): Nothing extraordinary, I guess. Though I think ... (BF pauses) ... no. Never mind.

RV: What is it?

BF: Well, Inspector Thatcher was acting quite strangely today. Turnbull, too.

RV: In what sense?

BF: Well ... it's odd, but ... it almost seemed as if Inspector Thatcher couldn't look at me in the eye the entire day. And she was very red. It didn't seem as if the coloring came from cosmetics. She just looked ... flushed. Turnbull, on the other hand, kept on giving me these strange looks.

RV: Strange looks?

BF: It's hard to explain, really. Like a glare, I suppose. As if I had done something truly shocking and offensive.

RV: Really?

BF: You know what? I searched my mind the entire day for a possible cause ... I was thinking that I may have inadvertently said or done something to make him act that way towards me. (BF shakes his head and shrugs) I couldn't think of any.

RV (reaches out and pats BF on the shoulder): Ah, don't worry about it. Maybe he's just being more Turnbull-ish than the usual.

BF (nods head): Maybe. Still, it felt highly disconcerting. On one hand, there was the Inspector with ... I don't know. A highly embarrassed look on her face the entire day. On the other hand, there was Turnbull, who looked as if I had desecrated the RCMP name! Whatever the reasons were, it just felt so strange. It's almost as if I had been caught with my trousers down or something.

RV (strokes chin): Hmmm. Strange.

BF: Anyway, what about you?

RV: Me?

BF: How was your day? Did anything happen at work?

RV: It was quite boring today. But ...

BF: What?

RV: I don't know. Something really weird happened at home.

BF: Oh?

RV: Well, Ma kept asking me if I wanted to tell her something. Tell her what, I said. Nothing, she said. Then she goes, "You will tell me if anything wrong's going on, right?" Like what, I ask. She goes, "Oh, you know. If you need extra money. I can always lend you some, you know. So you won't need to find a second job."

BF: That's an odd thing to say.

RV: Yeah! So I tell her, "But I'm doing fine, Ma." Over and over she asks me; over and over, I give her the same answer. I don't think I've convinced her yet, though.

BF: Maybe she's just being concerned. Your mother's a very caring person.

RV: I guess. And Frannie! Boy, now, she is weird! She locked herself up in her room last night and I heard her saying something like (RV begins to imitate Frannie's manner of speaking), "Why? Is it too much to ask? Why not me? For God's sake ... For Your sake! I mean, I'm cuter, right? I'm a much better dancer! I don't have HAIR ON MY CHEST!"

BF: You mean to tell me she's competing for a man with a woman who's got a hairy chest?

RV: Sure sounded that way to me.

BF: Oh, dear. Poor Francesca.

(BF and RV continue eating. After about ten seconds, they pause simultaneously. They look at each other.)

BF and RV (in unison): You don't think ... (long pause) ... Nah.

(BF and RV resume eating. RV suddenly grins and starts chuckling to himself)

BF: What's so funny?

RV: Ah, I don't know, Benny. It's just a weird thought that crossed my mind ...

BF: What thought?

RV: Well, I was just thinking about all the times we've been ... what's the word? Entwined. (RV puts his food down on the dining table)

BF (looks at him, amused): Entwined ...

RV: I was just wondering ...

BF (smiling slightly): What?

RV: Oh, it's just silly (chuckling, passes a hand across his eyes). Anyway, I was wondering ... why is it that whenever we get tied up, we almost always get killed?

(BF bursts out laughing, and RV joins him. Finally, BF wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes, rests his head on his palm and looks at RV attentively)

BF: What a thought! Come to think of it, you're right. (BF grins at RV)

RV: One thing you gotta say about it, though. The experience really gets you into that male bondage thing.

BF: Bonding, Ray.

RV: Whatever. (Takes another sip of water, then points to the box of cookies near BF's side.) Hand me a fortune cookie, will ya?

(Shot begins to move away from the two)

(BF hands RV a box containing fortune cookies. RV takes one cookie, mutters "Thanks," breaks the cookie in two and begins to read the enclosed fortune. BF brings his chair toward RV's, and tries to read the fortune in RV's hands.)

BF: What does it say?

(RV slightly leans away from BF and reads the fortune without showing it to him)

RV: It says, " Your friend shall pay for the bill, in American (not Canadian) dollars ..."

BF (surprised): It does?

(RV looks at BF and grins)

RV: Hehe. Gotcha ...

(Ending "Due South" guitar riff. Fade to black. Roll credits)

- The End -