REPOST
G, Humor & Crossover
By TimBeastie
email graduc@aol.com
* Feel as in Scottish for foolish.
"Thank you kindly" said Wallace to Gromit as Gromit handed Wallace
his morning paper.
"Thank you kindly" said Benny to Ray as Ray handed Benny his unfiled
files.
"Oh look Gromit, here's a new gimmick, a holiday scratchcard, I wonder
if it's a winner." said Wallace eagerly brandishing a small square of
brightly coloured cardboard. "Quick get me a penny"
Gromit rolled his eyes ceilingwards, sighed deeply and made for the
wall safe. Twirling the combination lock between his clever paws he considered
the possibilities -
a) Wallace would lose and sulk the rest of the day or more probably
the week and his promised extra chunk of Wensleydale would be forgotten.
b) Wallace would win a holiday to some exotic destination and he Gromit
would have to suffer the indignity
of, of .. he shuddered - kennelling!
Silently, as was his wont, he handed Wallace the pink ceramic pig
containing all their worldly wealth. Wallace grasped the proffered piggy
eagerly and dunked a penny onto the tablecloth.
"Ah Gromit, here goes" Skritch, skritch, "Oh yes, that's good" Pause,
Wallace took a deep breath - a very deep breath. "Oh my Gromit, oh my!"
he squeaked. "We've won, we've won!!"
Gromit closed his eyes, images of cold cold concrete, iron bars and
eager canine companions danced across his eyelids. "We've won" he thought
sourly, "Ha!"
** Possibly, but then geography was never my strong point.
"You wanted to see me detective?" Welsh sounded at his most unwelcoming,
clearly not in a good mood, his desk strewn with his current struggles
with the departmental budget.
Ray swallowed, his keen intuition and sense of self preservation told
him unerringly that now was not a good time. He turned slightly only
to bump into his unofficial partner. Caught between a rock and a hard
place, he exhaled slowly and turned back to the Lieutenant. "Umm" he
began cautiously. It was amazing he thought, how Benny could fire him
up with enthusiasm over something guaranteed, cast iron life-time guaranteed
he reflected, to humiliate him in front of his superior officer - every
time, and this would be no exception...
"I assume" continued the Lieutenant in a gentle and thoroughly misleading
tone, lacing his fingers together, "that this relates to your latest
expenses claim, or rather perhaps you have come to offer the real one
instead of this lamentable piece of fiction". With that he waved a tattered
paper in the startled detective's face.
"F..fiction!" stuttered Ray. "No sir!" he continued indignantly. "I
stand by everything I put on that form, I got receipts too." He added
smugly.
Fraser, being something of a nosey-parker in these matters (as I am
sure you have appreciated, though Ray certainly didn't) leaned forward
and inspected the document carefully. "Uh Ray" he began, sounding rather
puzzled. *Oh no* thought Ray, *no no no no no no, he's gonna stick me
in it again! Please G-d, just this once give him instant laryngitis.*
Ray cast his eyes piously heavenwards.
Just then Ray's mobile rang. Ray grabbed it, *accidentally* stepping
backwards onto Benny's toes as he did. "Ouch!" squealed the Mountie hopping
back in considerable pain.
"Hello" purred Ray in his best chick magnet tones. "Ravishing Raymondo
here." His features creased into a sudden frown. "No not vanishing Raymondo..Hey
Frannie is that you? What's up now? Oh!" Ray squawked, gaping fish-like
at the receiver. "Hi Louise...umm, listen I meant to call..umm..Sure
thing we'll be right there." Ray had gone quite white with shock. He
slowly replaced closed his mobile and turned to Benny, a very strange
look on his face. He swallowed twice, then turned back to his by now
very curious superior officer. "Listen sir" he said earnestly "We gotta
go, something The Lieutenant sighed deeply, he knew he shouldn't ask, he knew he
should just shoo them out of his office and get on with whatever goofy
stuff was going down, but.. "OK I'll bite. What's this about?" Silence as Ray glanced warily from
the painfully hopping Mountie, to the ceiling, the walls, the floor anything
but Lt Welsh. "Well...?" continued the Lieutenant, starting to tap his fingers on
the desk, "I'm waiting *Detective*" in tones that boded no good for
his insubordinate subordinate. Ray took a deep breath, "Well Sir" he began "Umm, it's about, umm..err...Victoria
Metcalf.. umm, you see.." Hastily Lt Welsh put up his hands as if to
ward off any more. "No, no, no, that's all I want to hear, just get out
- Now!" the last word bellowed in decisive tones - to empty air as both
cop and Mountie had disappeared from view. "Why me?" asked the Lieutenant softly and sadly, shaking his head
and reaching automatically into his desk for a timely comfort sandwich. Benny hauled Ray out of the office and practically pushed him into
their favourite meeting closet. "Hey Benny, watch the suit!" protested
Ray stumbling. Benny was breathing hard, ignoring Ray's protests. The
memories flooded back - just the mention of that name! - what on earth
did Ray have to tell him? Wallace got down from the train carefully, he wanted to spend a few
hours in the capital browsing specialist cheese shops before setting
off for Abroad. He reflected happily on how Gromit well seemed to have
accepted kennelling. "Gromit's a good lad really" he considered, munching
some travel Gruyere and crackers. One of the other passengers brushed
past him roughly. "Oh sorry" said Wallace automatically, reflecting sadly
that good manners cost nothing. The passenger in question was a very
small female in an extremely flowery dress and large floppy hat, carrying
a trombone case with some difficulty in front of her face. "My!" reflected
Wallace further, "that material looks just like our front curtains -
well there's fashion for you." "Ray" said Benny between firmly clenched teeth, firmly clenching Ray's
lapels between white knuckles. "Ray, tell me about Victoria....NOW!" "Excuse me Mr Mountie" gasped Ray as sarcastically as possible from
a position of very little breath or dignity, "But if you would care to
let go of me...NOW! I *might* tell you". "Geez Benny" he coughed adjusting his collar after Fraser had let
him go, none too gently, "You are so uptight!" After a suitably menacing
and rather uncharacteristic glare from Fraser Ray continued. "OK, OK, I'll tell...You see Benny she's been arrested, and.." Ray
swallowed nervously.
"Well Benny she was arrested in England - her usual MO, diamonds
again..only Louise says there's a twist - a real doozie and she wants
to tell you all about it herself. Tell you the truth I think she musta
been hittin' the bottle or somethin' cuz she could hardly speak for
laughing." At Heathrow airport Wallace gathered his belongings together and
shuffled forwards. Ahead of him the check in queue stretched interminably
- oh and there was that rather rude young lady with the trombone. She
seemed to be having some trouble with her passport. The stewardess at
the desk was holding the small book up and looking backwards and forwards
between the two as if trying to compare the photo and what she found
in front of her. "Well" mused Wallace to himself, "Passport photos never do look quite
sane" "Well Gromit - they almost had you that time." said Wallace to the
rather subdued dog who sat staring glumly out of a railway carriage watching
passing telegraph poles with a curious fondness. "Never mind" said Wallace
warming to his theme "if it hadn't of been for you finding that penguin's
passport and trying to use it to come on holiday with me, no-one would
ever have suspected that evil bird was guilty of crimes Abroad too! Cheer
up lad - at least I was able to stock up with some really excellent cheeses!" At London Zoo, said penguin, master or rather mistress of disguise
glared through the bars of the cage. "Next time!" she raged, "Next time I'll get all of you, especially
you Gromit! It worked so well in Chicago, OK that blasted wolf was getting
suspicious but I dealt with him and that dumb Mountie - well!!" On that
bitter note she slumped to the ground, (not very far I grant you). District Attorney St Laurent ushered the two friends into her office,
with as much dignity as biting her cheeks and giving herself surreptitious
chinese burns could allow. Of course her constantly shaking shoulders
did give some of the game away... A few hours after Louise had eventually managed get the whole sordid
story out, Fraser was still sitting in her office. He now bore a remarkable
resemblance to a guppy - mouth opening and closing as if gasping for
air, eyes staring wildly: "I fell in love with a penguin!!!" "Yep, how else d'you think you two survived Fortitude Pass?" "But, but I, I and she, I mean we..." stuttered the flabbergasted
Mountie. "Not much *experience* eh Benny?" Ray leered rather unflatteringly
at his friend. "Ppp pick up a Penguin" he trilled rubbing it in. Ray leaned back
in his chair lacing his hands behind his head, enjoying the view. Those
dreaded Inuit stories would be a thing of the past, now he had the magic
word, and the word was penguin! Notes: 1. Penguin is a choccy biscuit (cookie) - Pppick up a Penguin being
the ad slogan. How many choccy biccies due you think Ray bought Fraser
in the next few months? 2. Due you think Fraser's eyesight needs checking?! Or is he just
seriously seriously inexperienced?? 3. This story was inspired? By the fact that Wallace actually does
say TYK to Gromit. Return to the Due South Fiction Archive
3. Victoria Station
4. Back to the Closet
5. We're all going to the Zoo together
6. Her Majesty's Pleasure
7. Chocolate Lovers
THE END