Close to the Edge# 1 - Nearer the Edge     Close to the Edge# 1 -
Nearer the Edge

 by Pita Patter

  

 Author's Website: 

 Disclaimer: They are not mine, they are Alliance's, and it makes me cry
every night.

 Author's Notes: Thanks to the wonderful Sylvia for the transcripts and to
Claudia for the beta.

 Story Notes: This takes place immediately after The Edge, and is part one
of a series.

 A 1972 green classic Yes album called Close to the Edge inspired me
somewhat, but it was never my intention to take advantage/profit from it.
Also, I love these boys as if they were my own, but alas!, they are
Alliance's. Big sigh. 

Warnings: Number one on my Close to the Edge series. Heavy angst, and
hurt, no sex (sorry). Many, many thanks to the wonderful Orphan Account
for the transcripts. Comments are highly appreciated at
pitapattr@yahoo.com 

 

 

 Glossary
 gringo baboso (Span.): disgusting American. 

 Nearer the Edge 

 Part 1 - Gringo Baboso 

 I should have known it. 

 Eventually, I would get attracted to him. I think it started when I swore
at him, and he got all worked up. I called him "gringo baboso". He did not
know what it means and he thought it was some kind of name-calling. He was
right. Well, sometimes he can be very much like that, all loud and
annoying. And he does get so sexy when he is. 

 Of course I would find it sexy. I am a Mexican girl, after all. Cultural
stereotype or not, my blood is as hot, as spicy and as Latin as his. 

 After that, we got to be all alone in a dark filing room. He caught me
red-handed, started to play American cop with me and looked all smug when
I paid no attention to that. All that time, I did not realise, but I was
falling for him. I figured he was also getting a little interested
himself. My little gringo baboso... 

 The pice de resistence came when he saved my life. I agreed that it was
not the most romantic situation. I had my foot over a home made landmine,
he was whining a lot. He had a small cap on his head, and it struck me as
sexy, close-fitting to his head, but gentle like a caress. I took a good
look at him as he crouched down on the snow, looking at the bomb,
complaining and sometimes flapping his arms the way he does. 

 I don't know why I told him about my childhood in the slums, and why I
decided to become a cop. Of course I was afraid to die, and I knew that if
I died, he would know at least that much more about me. I guess I also
wanted to be part of that oily machine he had told his boss before. I
wanted to be a part of what he had with his Canadian friend. 

 My gringo made quite an impact on me the first time I saw him at the gala
reception for the Nafta delegates. He was so handsome, with that
well-tailored suit and his green eyes sparkling bright. I tried to contain
my blushing smile when he complimented my looks. Then the Canadian showed
up disguised as a waiter and then... Well, then it was time for a
showdown. 

 That was when it happened. 

 As the tragic events unfolded, I realised I wanted more from Ray Vecchio
than just a brief professional experience of co-operation during a Nafta
summit conference. It could be only one night, but I wanted that night. I
also decided I would let him know that. 

 After he cracked that mini-van joke on me, I staged a mock verbal fight,
as we walked towards the mansion's exit. Then he turned and glanced at his
Canadian friend, who was talking to his boss. That detestable woman was
handing her subordinate some car keys, and the Mountie immediately took
off to bring the vehicle. 

 I looked at Ray and saw so much more than I wanted to see. His face was
transformed. It was the face of a man who no longer held control over his
heart, a heart that was breaking apart at that precise moment. 

 All my sandcastles melted instantly. I could not make a move on that man.
He was in deep pain, and he would not accept comfort from a stranger like
me. Somehow I sensed his struggle not to make it show, and I thought how
much did it hurt him to see another man taking his woman away from him.
Even so, I got closer to him, acting as if I had never seen any of this.
Now I think it was a way to honour his wishes and to respect his feelings.
"Are you staying, Vecchio?" 

 He seemed to have returned back to Earth in that instant, and quickly his
face was all professional again. "No. No, I am going. Hey, do you need a
ride back to town?" 

 "No, thanks. I was about to offer you one, though". 

 "I am cool. Thanks." 

 "No problem. It was good working with you", I confessed. 

 He smiled, and even though he was sad inside, it hit me like a million
volts. "Likewise, Anita." 

 "And, uh, thanks again for saving my life this afternoon. I... appreciate
it." 

 "Don't mention it." 

 I blew him a kiss, he smiled again, and I went back to join the Mexican
delegation. But I was so intrigued. 

 How could such a passionate and hot man be in love with such a cold,
barely civilised woman like that Canadian inspector? What did he see in
her? Well, she was an attractive woman, I suppose. Maybe he wanted the
challenge, and planned to break that ice front. I could understand that. 

 Still he clearly loved her from a distance. Why was that? Ray Vecchio was
a man that radiated his sensuality in every little move and look he cast,
consciously or not. It was not something he was shy about. But he clearly
hid his feelings from that woman. 

 Could it be because of his Canadian friend, the Mountie? He might be
afraid to endanger his friend's position or their friendship, if something
went wrong with the woman. Or maybe the Mountie wanted the woman to
himself, and, out of friendship, Ray had painfully given her up. He was a
friend good enough for that. I wonder if the Canadian is worth it. The
Mountie was such a complex guy, but still everybody could see those two
were pretty tight. 

 Tight indeed. 

 My mind came up with a few facts. Then my heart almost stopped. 

 Vecchio had suggested they two should be the ones who took care of the
conference, because they worked together so well. I heard someone saying
Vecchio had shot Fraser before. Vecchio tried to leave me out when they
went to the woods. Vecchio offered to leave the assignment when those
secret services assholes banned Fraser from the job and replaced him with
someone younger. Vecchio almost tackled LaCroix down when he took Fraser
as hostage. His eyes on LaCroix were the eyes of someone willing to hunt
him down to ends of the Earth. That led to only one conclusion. 

 When he saw them two leaving together, Vecchio's heart was broken. But
not because his friend was taking away the woman he loved, but because
that abhorrent woman was taking away the person he loved with all his
heart. He was in love with the Mountie. And he would not say a word about
it because he valued the friendship. 

 Caracoles. I should have seen it. 

 Maybe I better leave it that way. They have so many things to work out
without me getting in the way. They are good men, and they deserve to be
happy. Anita, forget about that sensuous Italian. Go home, chica. Who
knows? Maybe there is a hot Mexican guapo waiting for you, eh? 

 *Part Two: I've never lost a partner* 

 I never thought it could hurt so much. 

 And I feel a heel about it. 

 Why cannot I be happy for my friend? He is out with a beautiful,
intelligent and sophisticated lady. 

 Ah, Benny, why did you pick up this night to make your move on the Dragon
Lady? Off all nights, why this one? 

 This was the night I was supposed to tell you I love you. This was the
night I let all my hesitations go. This was the night I saw you on the
hands of that LaCroix guy. He had a gun to your head, Benny. I swear my
heart stopped when I saw that. 

 All this assignment was pretty scary to me. First, at that simulation, I
shot Benny. Again. Stupid rookie mistake. Benny insisted everything was
his fault. I did not understand it at all. I am sure he was fighting some
inner demons of his own. But I felt all mushy about it, as if he wanted to
take some load off my back. I am such a dork when it comes to Benny. 

 Then there was that Mexican girl all over me. She may think she was
discreet, but I know a lady when she wants action. Frannie can be very
educational in that aspect. I see how my sister gets every time she is
near Benny. She and most of the women who get near Benny. 

 Hey, it's not that I didn't appreciate the little Mexican's attention
towards me. I even played along with Anita a little. After all, she was a
feisty little one. I like the type. I helped her get out of that landmine,
and she was very thankful after that. At some point, if she proposed me
something more intimate, I might even have agreed. 

 But that was before LaCroix made his move. When he took Benny hostage, I
flipped. I swear I have never had this kind of late reaction. My gun never
wavered as he tried to drag Benny out of the ballroom. Benny was being
Benny, saying some Inuit story or some quotation out of his father's
journals. I could have shot Benny again right there. My heart was barely
giving me blood to stand up, and he was saying things that did not make
sense at all! 

 Suddenly, Benny moved quickly and disarmed the big guy. I don't remember
moving so fast, but somehow I was the first by his side. He was unharmed,
and only then I began to shake all over. Anita was beside me, and she
stayed with me until the terrorist was secured and taken away. 

 As the criminal was being "processed" to jail, I took the time to put
things in perspective. One of the things I realised was that if anything
happened to Benny, he might die without ever knowing how I feel about him.
It was not fair. It was not right. The fear I had of losing his friendship
somehow had been conquered. In a way, we would never be apart, and it was
imperative that he knew my feelings. 

 Reaching that conclusion and taking that decision took a serious weight
from my shoulders. I even cracked a joke with Anita as I waited for Benny
to come out of the room. Yes, she is a nice girl. Maybe, in other
circumstances... who knows what might have happened between us? 

 Then I saw them together. 

 Benny took the car keys the Dragon Lady was offering him and they left.
It was clear that they were not going to compare notes from the case. 

 My world fell apart and on the floor with great reverberation. I shut
down the world and froze into that scene. I felt crushed to a small pea,
unable to utter a sound. God, I could not remember feeling so much pain so
suddenly. It was such a sense of loss. I don't know how I could contain
myself and not break in tears right there. 

 Anita brought my attention back to the present. It was a good thing, too,
or I could have seriously embarrassed myself without even realising. So I
was genuinely thankful for her, but strangely she did not come up with the
proposition I had imagined. She smiled nicely, I smiled back at her and
she left. Blessed her soul, she left me with my broken heart. 

 I kept staring at the hall from which they disappeared for some time. I
did not know what to do or where to go. Everything seemed totally wrong
now, everything useless, nothing made sense. 

 Suddenly, there was someone by my side. I stared at the smiling old lady,
and apologised. "I am sorry, Ma'am. Did you talk to me?" 

 "Yes." She laughed quietly. "I know this look, young man. It is the look
of a man in love. I saw the couple leaving." 

 I blushed. Damn, only Benny was supposed to blush. There was no way I
could deny it to that smart old lady with some sort of an accent. "I did
not know it was that obvious." 

 "Oh, you were not obvious. I guess that young woman did not realise
anything. But I knew where to look, and what to look. Your loved one is
away with another, right?" 

 I nodded and felt my throat constrict at the pain of those words being
spoken aloud. 

 The lady went on. "He is a very handsome man. She is also a young and
attractive woman. They seem to form a nice couple." 

 I looked at her, and saw the nametag. Camdessus. I remembered spelling
that name to Benny as he was issuing the invitations. 

 She never flinched from my stare, and whispered in a conspiratorial way,
"Frankly, I was never one for conventional nice couples. Why don't you let
your feeling be known?" 

 "It would hurt a friend", I stick to the old clich. 

 She waved a hand in a dismissing tone. "Friends understand, mon chou. And
they also forgive, if this is the case. You are smart, and young. Don't
let yourself grow bitter at such tender age. Fight for what you want". 

 My eyes grew wide at the lady, and she smiled again, the nice gown
fluttering at the edge of her round features. "If you really want it, that
is." 

 I could not answer her back. An elderly gentleman in full tuxedo carrying
a fur coat came up to us. He turned to the woman. "Emille, cherie. Shall
we go now?" 

 Mme. Camdessus turned around as her husband helped her into the
expensive-looking coat. "Oh, Jacques. I stopped to thank this police
officer for the wonderful job he did at protecting us during the banquet.
Wasn't that a marvellous job?" 

 Jacques Camdessus turned to me and offered his hand, "Yes, young man,
thank you. Your quick action prevented a tragedy tonight." 

 I took the hand. "We had considerable help from our friends from Mexico
and Canada, sir." 

 "A nice, tight and deep relationship among close people", nodded
Camdessus. "I like to think we have a future together. Don't you?" 

 I took his words to a whole different meaning, but smiled at him. "I'd
like to think that way as well, sir." 

 I helped the Camdessus couple get to their car, and then it was my turn
to go to the Riv. All this time I was thinking about what Mme. Camdessus
said. Damn, I think the old lady knew all along that I was after Benny. I
had to laugh. 

 But the laughter died away when I realised that maybe Benny wanted the
Dragon Lady. If that was the case, then all my hopes were really gone. I
would never get in the way of Benny and his true love. If the Dragon Lady
were it, then I would have to get along with her. Benny would expect me to
do it, and I would never let Benny down. I had told Anita a few hours ago
that I had never lost a partner. Benny would surely not be the first one. 

 Sure, it would get me miserable for the rest of my life. It would mean
never getting my feelings be known. In a way, that was what I was doing
that whole time, wasn't it? I could see now, the years ahead in my life.
Benny and the Dragon Lady would have a whole bunch of little Mounties, all
with dark hair and big blue eyes. They would call me Uncle Ray, and I
would be the little girl's sweetheart every Valentine's. I would be there
for Sunday dinners. Maybe at Christmas I could get to Canada and stay with
them for a while if they moved back there. And they would never know how
unhappy and lonely I really was on the inside. 

 But at least Benny would be happy. There is nothing I want more than to
Benny to be happy. And it will have to be enough for me. If that is what
Benny's heart wants, I will do anything to see that he gets it. 

 *Part Three: He could be you match* 

 I am not sure of what I am doing. 

 This whole situation has been so upsetting. Since the beginning, there
was some sort of competition running on. Many times I felt myself being
left behind, ageing faster than chronological time. The nightmares I had
about my capabilities reveal fears not supposed to surface in years to
come. Dad was not being helpful at all. 

 All the time I was aware of his eyes on me. We confronted at least once.
I stood my ground, he gave me advanced warning of his plans. Very fair.
This is his game, and he played it with fairness and nobility, I suppose. 

 Yet I was unable to focus. I told him that sometimes I am a good tracker.
But I am only good when I am not thinking about Ray or the way that he
makes me feel. When I saw Ms. Cortez flirting with him, and his inborn
sensuality instinctively responding to her, I lost my edge. 

 I miscalculated several times. Rookie mistakes. I could see Ray trying to
make it better every time. But nothing was accomplished, and they didn't
believe me due to the series of miscalculations. I may not have believed
it myself. 

 There was the last serious miscalculation. I allowed myself to be taken
hostage. As the man I now know is called LaCroix whirled me around the
banquet room, I looked at my options. The whole security detachment had
guns on us. I saw the concern in Ms. Cortez. Ray was cool and
professional, and in that moment I took great pride that he is my partner
and my best friend. But if I could wish... 

 I guess I have always known Ray would be my ruin, but not like this. I
told La Croix that if you know who you are you don't need to hide. Why
don't I listen to the things I say? I am bordering total lack of
functionality. All because of Ray. 

 Ms. Cortez was flirting with him, and he was returning her attentions and
advances. Not that it was blatant. But it was enough to induce a reaction
from me. I was rendered unable to perform, reduced to a babbling idiot in
my own dreams by 12-year old kids. I lost my edge. 

 For a long time now, I have been ensconcing my feelings towards Ray on
the assumption that they are unrequited, unappreciated and unsought. His
flirtation with Ms. Cortez, although of her initiative and in my opinion
inconsequential, reinforces in me the belief that Ray is tenaciously
heterosexual and would promptly repudiate any proposal I could come up to
him. 

 I really tend to get verbose about this subject. It is the topic I cannot
address, the issue I won't face. 

 As I was able to finally overpower and disarm LaCroix, I saw Ray's
concern over me. He asked me if I was okay. I said yes, he seemed
relieved. Maybe we could go to a cup of coffee together. I would
appreciate his company, as this stressful episode was over. I needed him.
I needed his presence by my side, to assure me I still had my edge. And
maybe - just maybe - I could introduce the unspeakable subject. 

 I handed LaCroix over to the FBI agents, and located Ray, who was near
Ms. Cortez. Then Inspector Thatcher caught up with me. As I politely
answered her questions, I saw Ray and the young Mexican lady laughing
together, joking, maybe. That scene made me realise I had no business in
taking Ray away from the perspective of a relationship he might want to
pursue. He seemed to be charmed by Ms. Cortez. His whole body seemed alive
and enlightened. He looked so beautiful. 

 What right did my offensive feelings and I have to interfere with such a
captivating view? 

 But there was always a chance that Ray might not be wrong in pursuing the
man-woman venue. It did not work to me once, and thanks to Ray I could get
out of it in one piece - or almost. I can never thank him enough for it.
But that one failure may not mean I am lost to conventional love. 

 So I asked Inspector Thatcher out for coffee. Actually, I blurted it out.
She said yes. Unarticulated as usual, but she accepted the invitation. I
took her to a place Ray had shown me before. Ray loved that place. Ray
never left my mind the whole time I spent there with the Inspector. I
sensed some unclear attraction between my superior officer and I. There
were blurry and vague feelings we have never cared to endeavour. 

 Maybe it was time to change that. Maybe it was the chance to end all
those lonely nights, sickening longing, or the overwhelming effort not to
show any feelings towards my best friend. This could be the way out to a
future of loneliness and heartache that would get me to an early grave. 

 I know Ray can kill me. Not directly, of course. But sad as I am, I will
get myself killed for sure. I would not mind that at all, since living
without Ray was sheer hell. But this could endanger Ray was well, and that
I could not admit. Maybe Margaret Thatcher can be the remedy to my Ray
illness. Unfortunately, however, that was not the night for that at all. I
could not concentrate on the woman across the table. All I could think
about was Ray. His green eyes were zeroed on me as La Croix moved around,
and I dared to think that there might be something more between us, making
all my dreams come true... 

 That night I could not sleep. I don't know what I am doing. 

 So I take the Inspector for a cup of coffee, expecting a lot less and
hoping for a lot more. Or it could be vice-versa. I really have no idea of
what I am doing. 

 The End of Part 1 

End