You Never Forget	You Never Forget

 by LadyAna

  

 Author's Website: http://ladyana5.tripod.com

 Disclaimer: Copyright to Alliance.

 Author's Notes: 

 Story Notes: Warning: I use so many spoilers for so many episodes, I
can't keep track!

 

 

 Copyright to Alliance.
 Pairings: Fraser/Vecchio
 Rating: PG-17
 Warning: I use so many spoilers for so many episodes, I can't keep track!
Summary: The night Irene Zuko died, Fraser is trying to console a
grief-stricken Ray, who the Mountie is secretly in love with. But Ray
misunderstands and while craving to dispel the pain of loss and betrayal,
he offers to make the Mountie's lustful, forbidden dreams come true. Will
he take Ray up on the offer? 

 "You Never Forget"
 by LadyAna 

 They had successfully managed to deflect the barrage of reporters on the
way out of the emergency room and found themselves in Welsh's office at
the precinct in no time. Many questions were asked by several people and
the two men answered them to the best of their knowledge time and time
again. But what bothered Fraser the most was the clinically removed,
completely detached actions of his partner. Ray was slumped in a chair,
eyes far away, as he told Welsh and the other investigators in a monotone
voice the aspects surrounding himself, Fraser, Irene and Frankie Zuko. Ray
described how the crime boss had accidentally shot Irene while aiming for
him, which Fraser corroborated. The Canadian watched as Vecchio sipped
absently at the hot coffee the Mountie obtained for him. He could tell the
Italian really wasn't tasting it and was functioning in a state of pure
shock. 

 After what seemed like endless inquires and forms and questions and
waiting for forever, they were allowed to leave at the end of the day.
They walked out into the crisp air, the dusk eerily reminding Fraser of
when they got here - just before dawn, just before Irene died. It was far
from over, of course, the weekend being a simple reprieve. Ben's own
emotions were bubbling, overwhelming him inside, but he was aware they
were not anywhere near the intensity of what the Italian was feeling. 

 They got a lift back to the hospital where the patrol car was parked. The
EMS technicians had made Ray follow them, seeing the little room they had
available in the ambulance while trying to save Irene's life. He and
Fraser had been chauffeured to the precinct following Zuko. When they
reached the car outside the hospital, Ben determined his friend was in no
condition to drive. Gently, he said, "Keys, Ray." 

 That seemed to cause a flicker in the stunned green eyes of the
Detective, but he said nothing, surprisingly passive in his response by
acquiescing nearly immediately. The ride along the streets of Chicago was
an exercise in tension. The fact Ray was so quiet was an incredible feat
in itself. The silence in the car was getting thick even for the Canadian,
but he could think of little to say. Fraser considered his options
regarding the Detective. Although Ray hadn't stated where he wanted to go,
the last place the he felt the Italian should be taken was home. As loving
and doting as his mother was, she could be a bit overwhelming. This wasn't
even mentioning the noise factor of the rest of the Vecchio clan, all of
whom would probably be alarmed by now after seeing what little they did on
the news. Fraser would have to call them on Ray's cell phone. Which meant,
unless Ray objected, he'd take the Detective to his place. 

 "I think it would be best if I took you back to my apartment." Fraser
stated. 

 Ray, staring out the window, responded in a tone so soft, it was hard for
even Fraser to hear. "That's fine." 

 "That is, unless, you want to go-" 

 "That's fine, Benny." The cop interrupted. 

 Fraser took a quick glance at Vecchio and could see that jade gaze was no
longer an empty, blank stare. It was all restrained raw anger and sadness
and full of hurt. The Canadian knew it wouldn't be long until that dam
broke, so he pressed a little harder on the gas peddle. They said nothing
else on the short drive and both disembarked from the car once they
reached 221 West Racine. They went up the steps at a moderate pace, Fraser
behind his best friend. Ray made it to 3J first, stopping abruptly to let
Benny pass him. The Mountie swung the door open and the next sound he
heard squeezed a painful cinch around his heart. Ray sobbed behind him,
quiet and low. 

 The Canadian turned, eyes downcast, as if it were somehow wrong to look
at the grief-stricken man. Fraser touched Ray's shoulder and murmured for
him to come inside. The Italian complied, his hand covering his face.
Vecchio grabbed his friend's arm and raised his head, tears streaming down
his face, eyes closed. 

 "I watched her die, Benny. Dear God, I watched her die!" 

 Fraser gulped, trying to hold back his own tears and did the only thing
knew to do: he took Ray into his arms and held him and through the torrent
of emotions, he vaguely wondered if it would offend the Detective. Much to
his surprise, Ray held him tighter and cried harder. The sound was muffled
against the brown tunic and all the Mountie could do without losing it
himself was whisper words of encouragement, as difficult as it was. 

 "Irene knew you loved her, Ray." he said, his own voice breaking, "She
would be proud to see you end the conflict between you and Zuko." 

 Ray lifted his head to speak. "I don't know if I..." Ray started, but
their cheeks brushed together, their lips becoming shockingly close.
Fraser gasped at the near contact and his reaction seemed to clue Vecchio
in on what was happening. The Chicago cop swallowed tightly, but didn't
move. They both froze, time ceased, the world stopped in its tracks. The
base sensuality and raw intimacy was plain and apparent, the arousal
intoxicating. A jolting current, silver lightening, seemed to sizzle
through the both of them, linking them together, but leaving them
immobile. 

 They stayed like that, moved to the point of paralysis, stunned and
uncertain. The Mountie's breathing was shallow, but Ray was breathing
deeply, rapidly. Both were at a crossroads, two paths before them, one
never considered possible by both parties, no matter how much the Mountie
might have wanted it. It was cruel, he determined, that this was how his
feelings were to be made known to the man he loved. It was also completely
wrong to act on this chance. His partner was in turmoil, in a near panic,
obviously not one to enter with a clear mind in such a carnal liaison. 

 But was Fraser not suffering as well? Had he not grieved over the recent
losses? He was still hurting from the death of Louis and the verbal blows
his best friend had bestowed him for actually thinking the Mountie would
betray their friendship by helping Zuko. This did not even mention the
ostracization of the officers at the precinct. He mourned, loved and
lusted in private, rarely letting anyone see him falter in his stoic
manner. Perhaps it was time to let that barrier down, if only for the
night. The Canadian wanted to forget as well, wanted to embrace this offer
and leave the past behind. This was in spite of how such events should
never occur in their present mental state. Which made this present dilemma
even more excruciating. But none of it really mattered because he was
powerless and began to believe he was going to pass out. Until Ray made
the decision for them. 

 "Benny..." he whispered, his eyes flicking between his friend's eyes and
that perfect cupid bow-shaped mouth. 

 The Italian leaned in, kissing his friend gently, then again, seeing no
resistance and again, his hands coming up to mold itself to that flawless
cheek and held the back of Fraser's neck. The Mountie was in a state of
shock, but his body was reacting nicely to the sweet touches and oral
caresses. His eyes floated into the back of his head, knowing he would
probably never get another chance like this and began returning that
passion, matching the Detectives and then some. 

 Fraser let his hands roam over Ray's shorn head and body repeatedly and
he cupped the high cheekbones to plant kisses wherever he could reach.
Sadly, those tear streaked emerald beauties were closed, and Ben felt a
longing to stare into them as they did this, as they crossed this boundary
together. But if nothing else, the man in his arms was more than
participating, much to the Mountie's delight. They fit together perfectly,
just as Fraser always thought they would and Ray was verbally encouraging
Benny while nuzzling his ear with that supple mouth and touching wherever
he wanted. Ray seemed to have lost all inhibition, his entire focus on
what they were doing and going further by the second. Wild Italian hands
slipped down Fraser's back over and over again, finally resting on his
buttcheeks, making the Canadian dizzy with lust and disbelief. Not another
thought went by before the Italian was squeezing them, kneading them. 

 There was pressure against his body and at first Ben thought it was Ray
simply trying to get closer to him. But when opened his eyes, the Italian
had shed his overcoat and was working on removing his suit jacket. It was
getting warm in there, Fraser admitted, but there was something uneasy
about the way the Detective was badly shaking and he still hadn't opened
his eyes. That familiar pressure was against him again, with Ray moving
them backwards. Confused, the Mountie broke the connection between him and
his partner to softly inquire, "What? What do you want, Ray?" 

 Ray stopped, his eyes searching their feet, his voice deep and thick with
desire. "I want to be with you tonight, Benny." The Detective gave him a
quick but determined kiss. "Can I have that? Can I have you tonight?" 

 The Italian looked up and they locked eyes. Burning, shining forest-hazel
bore into Fraser's soul and the breath caught in his throat. Ray was
willing to be with him. He wanted the Mountie to make love with him. Less
than five minutes ago the Canadian was worried about a simple hug between
them, now Ray wanted to have sex with him? No, that wasn't it. It was more
likely the Italian, like Fraser, wanted to replace all the pain and hatred
and sadness and grief that had presently invaded their lives. Goodness
knows this would do it, would take precedent in their minds and
priorities. But this was not how the Mountie wanted this blessed act to
happen. 

 Besides, it wasn't happening out of mutual lust or a desirous need
between them. It was desperation, it was mourning, it was a longing to
ease the pain. It was wrong to take advantage of each other like this. It
could destroy the connection, the friendship they had for one another. And
no matter what Fraser may be craving at the moment or had for months prior
to this, the Mountie simply could not let that happen. He'd nearly ruined
them both with Victoria, trying to bury himself within what they shared so
many years ago, so that he wouldn't have to live his life alone. 

 To make it worse, the gods determined he would love someone completely
unobtainable, but more than worth the effort. Ray was all fire and passion
and fierce devotion, the child who withstood his father's rage towards him
and his family, a man who loved life with abandon and enchanted others
with a flair and style all his own...and a partner who harbored a penchant
for blindly helping naive Mounties. Ben could not lose this man in the
attempt to forget, to immerse himself in what he'd needed from day one
when he realized he loved the Italian as more than a brother. He simply
could not. That abrasive reality slammed into him and deflated his passion
entirely, a sick, dreadful cold washing over him. His grey-blue eyes that
found the floor, this time filling with tears. He took Ray's hand in his. 

 "I...can't, Ray." 

 Slowly, desire faded in his partner, replaced by a questioning need.
"But...why?! I thought you wanted to!" Ray weakly protested. 

 It was apparent the Italian wasn't up to much of an argument. He'd wanted
Fraser to comply without question, so they could fall into this lustful
Pandora's box without consideration or thought. It was to block out
reality and supplant this night in it's place. That way, Ray would think
of them engaging in pleasurable exchanges instead of dealing with the loss
of Irene or having to declaring a truce with Zuko or, as much as either of
them did not wish to think about, the way Benny tried his best to see
justice done. 

 "I...can't." Fraser restated, the tears spilling over, his voice
betraying him. "I know why you're doing this and being with me is not what
you truly need." Ray sighed deeply and he opened his mouth to speak, but
Benny cut him off. "No, Ray. You want to forget. You want to block out all
we're feeling and I won't be a party to that. I'll be with you tonight in
that I'll hold you, I'll talk with you, cry with you and I'll even lay
beside you. But I will not share such intimacies with you under these
circumstances." 

 Ray listened, head down, breathing frantic. 

 "Do you understand, Ray?" Fraser asked. 

 The Detective folded in on himself, the feelings he was trying to resist
now crashing down on him. 

 "Oh, Benny...I am so sorry." 

 "It's alright, Ray. Come on." 

 The Canadian led them towards the bed this time for another, but not for
an entirely different reason. Ray nevertheless needed a bonding, to give
foundation, a testament that they were still friends, to believe that they
were still here for each other. Benny shed himself of his jacket and
removed Ray's as well. It was as close to undressed as they got. He eased
Ray down until he was siting on the bed. He followed him down, until
Fraser was on his knees before him. Without thinking, he pulled his best
friend into a gentle embrace. The closeness of the simple act was highly
intense and Fraser knew he was right in keeping this platonic. He wasn't
sure he could handle much more! The Mountie was still trying to control
his emotions, not wanting to let his dignity take a backseat. He actually
laughed a little when he realized his pride really only meant something
when it came to the way Ray saw him. Not the RCMP or the officers at the
precinct or even his father - not anyone else. 

 It was fear restraining him, worried that the Detective would once again
see who he truly was under that controlled facade. How much more could
their friendship take? And now he'd jeopardized it with his own insistence
of doing what he thought was right. Again. Victoria was enough to destroy
any friendship and this whole Zuko affair just added to the strain. And
what did it really matter that he was right this time? His father once
said, in any relationship, you have a choice. You can either be right or
happy, but usually not both. Absolving Frankie, going against Ray's
wishes, humiliating the Detective in front of his peers, it was all to
save Ray, of course, but it was still a huge, bitter pill to swallow. He
had only one act of recourse and he fought the idea even now. 

 "Ray..." 

 "What is it, Benny?" Warm hands slid down his back in a comforting
gesture. 

 "I...am..." he faltered, continued, "I...am..." 

 "Tell me, Benny. It's okay." 

 Finally, he found the courage to say what he'd craved to since he woke up
in the hospital after Victoria that his pride and pain and fear had
prevented. 

 "I am so...sorry!" Benny fiercely whispered as he began to cry again.
"For...everything." 

 Ray was obviously taken aback by the confession, to see this proud man
supplicating as such. It took a minute, but once the words sunk in, the
Italian pulled back to, as always, reassure Fraser 

 "Oh, Benny, I'm the one who should be saying that. I just thought..." 

 His voice trailed off and Fraser filled in the gap with the most horrid
truth. "...that I'd betrayed you again?" 

 Ray opened his mouth, closed it. The Detective stared at his friend,
dumbfounded. The painful fact was that The Mountie had unearthed a notion
even Ray hadn't consciously considered, but it was sadly correct. But the
Italian was unwilling to wound by saying so, but he couldn't bring himself
to lie. 

 "I guess. No. I don't know, Benny. Look, you don't have to do this." 

 "Yes, I do." 

 "The Hell you do. Come on up here." Ray motioned for Fraser to sit beside
him. Once Benny was settled on the small bed and wiping at his eyes, Ray
gave him a slight smile. "Looks like it's gonna' be a long night. Right,
Benny?" 

 Now it was Fraser's turn to stare in awe. Ray really was going to stay
the night with him! Probably talking and even crying and talking some
more. He'd wondered previously, with the slightest amount of jealousy and
despair, why in the world had the Italian turned to Irene after Louis
died? And months ago, he couldn't believe himself, that was so wrapped up
in Victoria he'd missed the opportunity to connect more with Ray then. But
they could here and now. They could converse with one another to get
through this. 

 And that's exactly what they did. Before they started, the Mountie
remembered to call Ray's mother and let her and the family know that her
son was fine, but that he was spending the night at the apartment.
Afterward, in the dark and all night long, they recalled the pain and
suffering of the last few months. For the Mountie, it was a dream come
true, that Ray would feel comfortable enough with him to actually engage
in such "mushy" talk. 

 The hours worn on, the weather became a little colder and the building
was mostly quiet as the two men spoke of what they remembered about what
they had lost, what the future held and, most surprisingly, each other.
They had discussed their lives with each other before, of course, but
never with such open honesty. Fraser was sitting in a chair nearby, elbows
on his knees. Ray was sitting on the bed, his back to the wall. Determined
to let his best friend know how regretful he was, the Mountie repeated his
regret. "Ray. I am sorry. Especially for...Victoria." 

 He half expected Ray to jump into a quick dismissal of his apology, but
was unnerved when the cop remained silent. Seconds passed and all he could
hear was the tight clenching of Ray's throat as he swallowed thickly,
trying to not let his emotions get the better of him. 

 "Ya' know, Benny...you tryin' to go off with her, that was bad. It was,
but you know somethin'? That I could understand. It was..." he stopped and
Benny could see him wipe at his eyes. He tried again, but failed. "It
was...ah, never mind." 

 "Tell me, Ray." Fraser said in his most determined voice. The hair on the
back of his neck stood up and terror tickled his mind as he tried to
assess just what Ray could be so deeply hurt by other than Fraser running
for that train. He'd done so much in that time, caused so much pain, it
was hard to remember it all. 

 The strained, quiet, wounded tone from the man on the bed indicated that
the Mountie had done some serious damage he was mostly unaware of where
his best friend was concerned. "It was afterward, Benny. God knows I ain't
no saint when it comes to speaking my mind, but you taught me something." 

 "What's that, Ray?" The Mountie asked. 

 "That words can kill." Ray stated. A heartbeat passed by. "'You've done
enough already.' Or something like that. You remember saying that, Benny?"


 "Yes, Ray." Fraser responded, his tone displaying sadness. He wanted to
kick himself for letting those demon words out. 

 "Why did you say that?" 

 "I was hurt and I wanted the world to hurt with me. I didn't care who was
around at the time." 

 Ray actually laughed a little. "So you're saying it wasn't personal?" 

 "Not entirely." 

 The adrenalin had worn off, they were totally drained and a silence
threatened to over take them, but Fraser refused to let that happen. "What
else, Ray?" 

 The Mountie could faintly see Ray crinkle his brow, apparently not
wanting to continue, but he did anyway at Benny's prompting. "The
'perverse pleasure' line, that you liked it when I got shot and...and you
reminding me... indignantly, none-the-less, that I shot you..." The cop
stopped to collect himself, adding at the end, "That just doesn't seem
like you, Benny." 

 Fraser braced himself for his response, naked in exposing his soul so
much. "Do you know why I said those things, Ray?" 

 "No, Benny. Why?" 

 "For the same reason I loved Victoria. She has a darkness in her and so
do I. She was a kindred spirit for me on several planes, Ray. I could lose
myself in her and not have to think about anything else. I realize now
that it never could've lasted, that there was no balance and she would've
seen to my destruction, but sometimes, Ray, just sometimes, I didn't care.
Finally, I had someone I thought loved me and that was all that mattered.
There was no fruitless hope, torturous waiting or wondering or being
afraid all the time. It was blissful and overwhelming and indulgent and
blinding. It was something I hardly ever experienced in my life, Ray. When
that was gone, I literally cared about nothing." 

 "I don't fully agree with you there, Benny. We all have a darkness inside
us and it's no crime to want to forget about your life occasionally. But,
I guess it was about time for you to be a little selfish." Ray's tone was
humorous, but still hurting. 

 "But I had no right to say those things and I apologize.." 

 Ray slid his legs over and let his feet fall to the floor. He ran his
hands wearily over his face, then his head. 

 "Benny, about tonight and Zuko and all that...I can't...it's too early
for me to..." 

 "I know, Ray." He wouldn't have expected Ray to ask for forgiveness this
soon after so much had happened. 

 "I just want you to know that I know what you were trying to do for me
and why and that I'll say it, just like you just did for me...but just not
tonight. Can you understand that?" 

 "Of course, Ray." 

 Vecchio then said the words Fraser least wanted to hear. "I hate to say
this, Benny, but I'm pretty wiped. Looks like all the excitement is over
and I need to pass out. I'm getting delirious here." 

 It was a while still until dawn and the Mountie was exhausted as well. He
wasn't going to force Ray to stay awake. "Of course, Ray." That said,
Fraser went to pull out his bedroll. 

 Seeing this, Ray stood to object. "Benny, I am not going to chase you out
of your bed." 

 The Canadian chuckled and smiled so brightly, Ray could see it in the
dark. 

 "What? What's so funny?" Ray asked. 

 "Ray, I'm not going to let you take the floor because it's freezing. And
the only other option...is sharing." 

 Fraser made a dramatic wave with his hand towards the narrow cot. 

 Vecchio's eyes bugged out and he suddenly felt hot all over, a
combination of shame and shock rushing through him. The amorous events
that occurred between them came back with stark clarity. A nervous giggle
started in his stomach and wiggled it's way up, causing him to grin and
laugh just as much as Fraser at the irony of the situation. He laughed a
little, knowing the Mountie was expecting a reply. 

 "You...smart ass." Ray mumbled, much to the Canadian's delight. 

 "Goodnight to you to, Ray." 

 From there, both Mountie and cop slept fitfully until way past the early
morning light. END (For now) 

End