Struggle to find Peace     Struggle to find Peace

 by Innusiq

  

 Author's Website: http://www.tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

 Disclaimer: They're not mine . . . blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But I sure
wish they were. <happy sigh>

 Author's Notes: Comments welcomed. TYK!

 Story Notes: Sequel to the story "Comfort on the Way."

 

 

 Struggle to find Peace 
 by: Jenny Hill 

 The sun was making it's first peak into the morning sky, signaling for
the birds of the city to begin their chirping that announced the beginning
of a new day. Standing at the window of his bedroom with the curtains
parted, Ray took in the beauty that was the morning. There was only one
other sight that could match it and he was still sleeping in the bed
behind him. 

 It was early, far earlier than Ray was normally accustomed to waking up
but there had been many changes in his life within the last year causing
him to question what was "normal" anymore. 

 He loved the mornings as of late but it was a love that hadn't always
been. In the past, Ray didn't greet mornings so happily and to be more
specific, a good morning didn't truly begin until he had his first cup of
coffee and on some days, not until the first hour or two of being at work
had passed. Things were definitely different now. His life had taken an
abrupt turn that changed his view of the early morning hours. 

 He now cherished this time in the morning, even if this new perception
had only been but a week old. They were the small bits of day where every
care in the world didn't exist. The Feds didn't exist, his obligations to
his family didn't exist nor did the current state of his lover's health
exist. In the morning, before the world began spinning alive it was just
Ray and Benny and no one or nothing else could touch them. 

 Ray frowned at that thought. As much as he would love to believe that
sentiment Ray knew in a matter of minutes reality would set in for it was
only a lie but it was an acceptable lie no matter how short lived the
false reality existed. What was the true reality? 

 Reality number one, he had a lot of explaining to do to the Feds for
backing out of an undercover assignment that took them months if not years
to plan. He couldn't help it that every member of that branch of
government lacked a heart. Whether they understood why he left or not, he
didn't care anymore because he was home now, the only place he should be.
The only place where he belonged. 

 Reality number two, now that he was back home, even though his family had
survived with out him all these months, it was his duty to take over the
reins of the household. It wasn't only something he felt responsible to do
but his family expected him to do it too. He was the head of the household
and that was that. In him taking back the responsibilities of running the
house, he was putting his house back in order. 

 Reality number three, now that he had returned home, he would need to
think about work. Should he return to work at the 27th and if so, when to
return. If he didn't return, what then? They were thoughts he wasn't ready
to contemplate just yet but knew he had to. Life didn't stop for anyone,
no matter how they needed it to. The next reality made that thought all
too clear. 

 Reality number four and the reason he had returned from his undercover
assignment so abruptly. Fraser, Benny, his lover, his life, his reason for
living and next to his family, the only person he would risk his life for.
Fraser needed him and that was all Ray needed to know to make him return
from the assignment. Fraser was fighting a battle that never should be
fought alone but his stubborn lover had this idea that it was in
everyone's best interest not to bother anyone because he could manage this
fight on his own, alone. Thank God Fraser had a friend in Stan Kowalski
who was looking out for him and knew better than the Mountie's thinking. 

 Ray turned his back on the sunrise. He turned his back on the approaching
day to take in the only beauty that could compare to that of the sun.
Fraser, who was still fast asleep, snuggled under the covers of Ray's bed.
His head was barely visible and Ray couldn't help but think this was such
a contradiction to the Fraser he had left behind a year ago. Mr.
Upbeforethecrackofdawn was now a late sleeper it seemed but it wasn't of
his own choosing. 

 The list of realities was endless and in the end they all summed up to
one thing, the life he had left behind, the life he struggled night and
day to return to, didn't exist anymore. Yes, he was still Ray Vecchio and
yes his family still depended upon him. Ray still loved Benny and Benny
still loved Ray but things were different. He was the same but he was
different. Or maybe it was that he was still teetering between the fake
world of Armondo Langostini (a "fake" world that was all too real) and the
reality of being home. He was in a limbo stage of existence that only time
could heal. The only question was how much time would be needed before the
unseen wound would be healed? 

 Ray shook his head as he crossed the room back towards his bed. It was
too early to think about the world outside these four walls. Right now it
was morning and the only two people who existed were Fraser and himself. 

 A noise from the corner of the room drew Ray's attention away from the
bundle in his bed and he had to amend his statement. The only people who
existed at this time of day were Fraser, himself and a spoiled wolf.
Everyone and everything else was locked away on the other side of his
bedroom door where he wished they could all stay. Was it possible to lead
a normal existence without leaving his bedroom? Ray smiled to himself
knowing it would be an absurd request. He could even hear Fraser saying,
"Well, that's just silly, Ray." It was a silly idea indeed but oh so
lovely. 

 Ray's smile diminished when he brought his attention back to Fraser, for
as much as Ray had changed during their separation from one another,
Fraser had changed too. It was the changes in Fraser that scared Ray the
most. Where Ray's changes were more on a mental plane, Fraser's were on
the physical level. While it was Ray who was knocking on death's door out
in Las Vegas, he had returned home, safe and sound, alive and it was now
Fraser who was knocking on that all too familiar door and Ray's hands were
tied, incapable of helping him. All Ray could do was be there for Fraser
and that perhaps was the best he had to offer. 

 Lifting up the covers on his side of the bed, Ray climbed back in, for it
truly was quite early in the morning and as if by instinct, Fraser's body
met his. Fraser never woke from his deep sleep but his body seemed to know
where it needed to be and Ray accepted him, pulling Fraser closer as he
wrapped the familiar yet unfamiliar body in his arms. 

 It had been this way since before he left for the undercover assignment
and upon returning, their bodies seemed to fall back into their old
routines. It was a habit shared by them both that never seemed to stop
even in the absence of the other. Ray could remember many nights out in
the desert city, waking with the feeling of never finding what he had been
searching for. It wasn't until his return home that he finally found what
his body had been searching for, aching for. That first night back was the
first night he actually received a good nights sleep in months. 

 Once Fraser was settled with his head resting on Ray's chest and one arm
around Ray's waist, only then did Ray let his own body relax. Fraser's
breathing, which had increased with his fussing, began slowing and
leveling out just as Ray's own heart rate eased back into a normal pace.
It was as if Ray's heartbeat was lulling Fraser back into a more peaceful
and restful sleep. They shared a bond that even existed in the dream
world. 

 Ray's left arm remained loosely, yet protectively, around Fraser, holding
him, offering him comfort while his right hand gently cupped the back of
his neck. Ray's thumb could just barely feel the peach fuzz of hair that
was trying to grow back to no avail. He placed a kiss on the top of
Fraser's nearly bare head before totally relaxing and closing his eyes in
order to get a few more hours of sleep before either man "had" to get up.
The slow, steady breathing of his lover had Ray back asleep within
minutes.  

 He didn't know exactly what time it was but he knew it was late. He
didn't need a clock to tell him that it was past his "normal" wake up call
or what use to be his normal wake up call. He didn't need a clock because
Fraser's internal clock told him so. His days hadn't always started out
this way. They hadn't always normally started out this late. "Normally" as
in comparing how he had started his days for the whole of his life to
these more recent days, how his days now began, "normally." 

 Fraser's days began late now, later than the sunrise and usually after
the breakfast hour but what was normal anymore? And if this was going to
be "normal" from now on, Fraser would rather pack it all in before that
even happened. He missed the early morning hours. 

 Fraser missed the days when he rose at the crack of dawn, hours before
anyone else, especially Ray, even twitched at the approaching day. So much
could be accomplished in those early hours. He could have cleaned his
apartment (if he had one anymore), made breakfast for himself and
Diefenbaker (and Ray when he had spent the night) and he still would have
had time to take the unruly wolf for a walk. A day's worth of work could
be accomplished in those fleeting early morning hours but now, not even in
a twenty-four hour period could Fraser complete a days worth of work. The
only question in his mind, was it that he couldn't or that he didn't want
to do anything? 

 Rolling over onto his back, Fraser stared at the all too familiar ceiling
for a few minutes before stretching his arms out on either side of him and
continuing to roll onto his other side, onto Ray's side of the bed. He was
alone. He was alone and he enjoyed the comfort of being alone if just for
a few moments. This was now the time of day he enjoyed the most. 

 When Fraser was alone he didn't have to put on a brave face for all to
see. He didn't have to hide behind the mask he created to reassure
everyone the he was all right. When he was alone he didn't have to assure
anyone that everything was going to be okay. They were lies even he
couldn't believe but a smile and a nod always did the trick because that
is what everyone wanted to hear. 

 In his solitude, Fraser could look as miserable as he felt and there was
no one to see or worry about him. In the privacy of this bedroom he was a
burden to nobody but himself. 

 Fraser used this time in the morning, his "alone" time, to get all the
self-pity and fear he was feeling out of him or at least lock those
feelings deep down inside where they couldn't affect him. Once that was
done, he was ready to face the world and all the faces that would look
upon him with their own pity. With his brave face on, he could tackle
anything because along with his mask came a wall that kept everyone out.
It was a wall that kept him safe. The only problem now was that the wall
was crumbling. 

 The biggest change in his life had occurred and Fraser was unprepared to
face it. The biggest change wasn't that he had been diagnosed with cancer,
that was a change he had gradually accepted and adjusted to or at least he
adjusted as well as a person in denial could adjust. What he wasn't
prepared for was the abrupt return of Ray Vecchio. All the masks and
barriers in the world that Fraser could construct didn't stand a chance
against Ray. There wasn't mortar strong enough to keep that man out of his
heart; away of his soul for Ray was a part of both. 

 It wasn't that Fraser didn't want Ray to return, that was the one thing
he had yearned for from day one of returning from his holiday in Canada to
find that his lover had left town on an undercover assignment. Fraser
understood why he had gone for he knew Ray almost as well as he knew
himself. He knew Ray too well and that is why he was hoping to have been
served with a clean bill of health before he did return. Ray would feel
guilty for being away or even, in some strange and warped "Vecchio"
belief, he would think it was his fault. It was no one's fault, just fate.
Fraser had already started feeling the guilt radiating off of Ray when
they were together and the funny thing about guilt, it was contagious,
like a cold. It would have just been easier with Ray gone. 

 Fraser loved Ray, there was no question about that. He adored Ray. Ray
was his best friend and his lover. Ray had offered Fraser the world and
without a second thought, Fraser accepted it. He grabbed hold of Ray's
world and refused to let go. Ray was his life and Fraser couldn't imagine
a life without Ray in it but he had survived with Ray gone. It wasn't that
Fraser didn't need Ray. God only knew how much Fraser needed him but he
had changed since Ray left town. 

 The changes in Fraser weren't good. Fraser had reverted back to his old
way of living, the one that had gotten him through the days of lonely
existence back in the Territories. The mask and wall he had constructed
weren't new, only a little dusty from their lack of use. Fraser had packed
those two pieces of armor away only months (if it had even been that long)
after meeting the brash detective for with Ray, Fraser's heart was safe
but in Ray's absence it was easier to hide. Now, Fraser had no more hiding
places but the quiet of Ray's bedroom and even there it was only when Ray
wasn't around and Ray was always around because he felt guilty. 

 Fraser inhaled deeply and released a sigh at the familiarity of the
scent. Was it possible to forget what a person smelled like? The time and
distance had been making it seem so. There were many nights, too many to
count, where all Fraser did was try to remember what Ray smelled like to
no avail. It seemed the harder he tried the farther the scent receded from
his memory. Even the cologne bottles left behind couldn't trigger the
distinct smell that was Ray. 

 It wasn't until that first embrace in a year that his memory was
triggered. It hit him like a ton of bricks and he was falling, scrambling
for any kind of hold on solid ground but there was only Ray, so he clung
to him even tighter and just breathed. Fraser breathed deeply, remembering
what he should never have let himself forget but he truly didn't forget
because he knew this was the scent he had been searching for, craving for.
This was Ray. 

 Fraser pulled the covers around him and latched onto "Ray's" pillow,
concentrating on the redolence. He used to be able to categorize the
individual scents but now, all he knew was that it was Ray and that was
all he needed to know. 

 What his existence boiled down to now was that he needed Ray and for as
much as he needed him, Fraser didn't want to admit to such a need. He had
spent most of the months, days, weeks, hours and minutes of their
separation denying himself of that need that when there was no use denying
it anymore, now that Ray was home, Fraser didn't know how to admit to his
only weakness.	

 The house, for the most part, was quiet for a change. Four of Maria's
five children had left for school two hours ago leaving her youngest,
Mikey, to entertain himself or actually be entertained by a ham of a half
wolf. Ray watched from the kitchen window as Diefenbaker playfully chased
the youngest Vecchio around the small back yard, Mikey giggling the entire
time. Watching over the two playmates was Ray's eldest sister Maria, as
she hung clothes out to dry. He had missed moments like these. He had
missed the simplicity of his family. 

 A week after his return, Ray was still having trouble adjusting to life
as Ray Vecchio, son, brother, uncle and lover. The reasons he had left for
the assignment seemed so clear months ago but now, he couldn't even think
of one, not one good reason or excuse. All Ray knew now was that he was
glad to be home, relieved to be back among the family he loved and who
loved him. He was back where he belonged and yet he still didn't feel like
he fit in. 

 A sound from behind made Ray turn abruptly. His time spent as Armando
Langostini made him jumpy but when Ray saw it was only his mother, he
relaxed instantly. 

 "Caro, I didn't know you were up," Mrs. Vecchio said as she closed the
door leading to the basement. In her arms was a load of her family's
laundry. 

 "Here Ma, let me help you with that," Ray offered as he took the basket
from his mother. 

 "Oh Raymondo, I am fine," Mrs. Vecchio said refusing to relinquish the
basket but Ray gave her no choice. He took the basket of towels and
carried them upstairs. Once he was done placing the towels in the family's
linen closet, Ray returned with not an empty basket but another full one.
With a family their size, there was always dirty laundry to be done. 

 "You didn't have to do that," Mrs. Vecchio stated when Ray returned and
continued to take the full basket to the basement. 

 Just as quickly as he had disappeared to the lower level of the home, Ray
reappeared. "Hey, there is no reason you should be doing all the work
around here. Where is everyone anyway?" 

 Mrs. Vecchio smiled at her son whom she still couldn't believe was
actually home, safe and sound. She had spent many long nights sending
prayers up to heaven above that he would be returned unharmed and in the
last week of him being home, just as many thanking the Lord for listening
to those prayers. 

 "Maria is out back hanging clothes out to dry, Francesca is at work,
Stanley picked her up this morning and Tony left the house early for work
as well," Mrs. Vecchio replied, answering her son's question. "Would you
like something to eat?" 

 "Ah . . . no Ma, coffee is all I really want right now." 

 "Coffee is no way to start the day, Raymondo," Mrs. Vecchio chided as she
began removing items from the refrigerator. 

 "Ma, really, I'm fine. There is no need for you to be fussing over me,"
Ray said trying to get his mother to stop her preparations. 

 "This is not for you, Caro. This is for Benton." That said, she shut the
refrigerator door and moved towards the stove. 

 Ray stood in awe watching his mother. Things had changed in his absence.
Before, breakfast was served first thing in the morning and if you missed
it, you missed it. Not that she wouldn't feed you if you rose late on your
day off but you didn't receive the full Vecchio style breakfast that was
an everyday occurrence. It was a routine for her that kept the house
running and in order. It was a routine that began her day and made her
happy knowing she was taking care of her family the best way she knew how.


 This morning Ray finally noticed the change. Every morning since his
return he had to be at the precinct to meet with the Feds and discuss the
assignment and clear up any and all loose ends. He didn't have time to
notice the changes that had been made in his own house but this morning
Ray had the time. 

 His mother was making breakfast for the second time that morning. This
was now part of her routine. Fraser was part of her routine. It was
probably one of the few menial things his mother could do to offer her
ailing "son" any kind of comfort and the only thing she knew to do. Ray's
heart ached for his mother, for the fear she refused to let surface. No
parent should ever out live a child and even though Fraser wasn't her
child by birth, she had adopted him as such and blood related or not, she
feared for his life. 

 "Ma, I hate to break it to you but Benny is still sleeping," Ray said as
he poured himself a cup of coffee and moved to take a seat at the kitchen
table. 

 Mrs. Vecchio wiped her hands on the apron tied around her waist as she
turned to survey the clock on the stove. It was 10:49am. "Oh no, Caro,
Benton is up," she quickly stated before turning back to her chore at
hand. 

 Ray just stared has his mother. 

 "Now when I'm done here, I want you to take this up to Benton and you
make sure he eats. He needs to keep his strength up. We don't want him
back in the hospital now, do we?" 

 Ray was shaking his head but not verbally responding to his mother. 

 "Caro . . ." Mrs. Vecchio began, turning around checking to make sure Ray
was listening to her. 

 "Ma, how do you know?" 

 "Know what dear?" 

 "How do you know he's up?" Ray was surprise that his mother would know
something about Fraser that he had no clue about. For the whole of their
relationship as friends and then lovers, Ray was the only person who knew
and understood the inter workings of Benton Fraser. If anything, not
knowing his own lover made Ray feel inadequate. It was like they were
strangers all over again, learning how to interact with each other. 

 Mrs. Vecchio gave Ray a reassuring look and began keying her son in on
Fraser's own routine. "Caro, he's usually up early . . . not as early as
he use to get up but he usually is up by eight or so. He doesn't come
downstairs until after breakfast and not the family's breakfast but the
one that you are going to bring to him once it is finished." 

 Ray looked up at his mother and he felt lost. She could read that in his
eyes and she wished that she could make things all better with a kiss on
the cheek and a hug but that wouldn't work this time. 

 "I know you've missed a lot while you were gone and even being home
you've been preoccupied by work but it will get better. You will learn his
ways again and even after you learn them you will find he is slowing
making his way back to the way he use to be, the way you remember. It's
just going to take some time. We've had weeks to get use to the changes
but you've only had a couple days. Be patient, Caro. It will all work
out." 

 Ray stood up and pulled his mother into a hug. He wanted to cry, to let
all the frustration he was feeling out but just as much as he wanted to
cry he wanted to remain strong for his mother. 

 "Thanks, Ma," Ray choked out just barely keeping control of his emotions.


 Mrs. Vecchio returned her son's embrace and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Now you sit down and finish your coffee while I finish Benton's
breakfast." 

 Ray nodded his head, taking his seat again and watched his mother in all
her nurturing glory. They didn't deserve this woman but he was sure glad
they had her.  

 The food smelled wonderful but his mother's cooking always did. Even if
it was only eggs, toast and a bowl a fruit, there was just something about
a mother's touch that made anything smell and taste better. 

 Ray carefully maneuvered his way up the stairs, heading towards his
bedroom with the breakfast tray his mother lovingly prepared for Fraser.
Seeing her prepare the meal for Fraser solidified the realization that she
truly accepted the relationship they shared. It was a relationship that
had only begun shortly before he left on the undercover assignment leaving
him little to no time to assess his mother's reaction or true feelings
about the revelation of such magnitude. 

 He loved Fraser. Those were a few of the last words he said to his mother
on that final day in Chicago. It was a confession he had to make to her
before leaving because he was leaving Fraser in her hands to watch and
take care of. Her reaction was not one of over joy but it wasn't one of
disgust either. Ray was fairly certain she had already known of his
intentions towards his best friend for as she was known to say, "Mother's
always know." 

 But today as he watched her prepare Fraser's breakfast it finally dawned
on him that she had taken care of Fraser not just because it was something
he had asked her to do but because she wanted and needed to. It was inbred
in her to take care of her children and that was what Fraser was, one of
her children. Ray knew then that she accepted their relationship, their
lifestyle but was there still a relationship for her to accept? 

 Ever since his return there seemed to be a barrier that stood between
them. It wasn't a physical barrier because at night, when they lay in the
dark confines of Ray's bedroom, alone, comforted only by each other's
presence, everything seem right in the world but in the light of day, the
barrier reappeared and communication was nonexistent. The one thing they
could do better than anyone else was communicate and now it seemed a
foreign language to them. 

 Approaching his bedroom door, Ray balanced the breakfast tray in his left
hand as he raised his right to knock on the door. The moment his knuckle
rapped on the wood surface, the simple motion, intention shocked Ray. He
was shocked by how wrong it seemed. 

 He was knocking on his own bedroom door, requesting permission to enter
as if he didn't have the right to invade Fraser's privacy, as if they were
simply strangers when they knew each other in the most intimate of ways.
There was no "privacy" between them that the other wasn't welcomed into
but that was before Fraser got sick. That was before Ray left for the
assignment. It was all in the past now leaving both men struggling to find
their present, their future. 

 Before leaving for the assignment, a decision Ray was certain he would
regret and curse himself for making until the day he died, Ray didn't need
to knock or request permission to enter. He simply belonged with Fraser
and that stemmed back to even before they became lovers. What was
different now that changed the way they acted with one another? But that
was a stupid question all in itself. Ray knew exactly what had happened
and what had changed, causing the wedge between Fraser and himself. 

 He made the decision to leave on an assignment without telling or at
least consulting Fraser of said decision. It was a decision he knew Fraser
would understand but that didn't mean the decision wouldn't hurt Fraser
and it also didn't mean the decision, even though made by Ray himself,
would hurt him in the long run as well. Their bond had been stretched to
its limit and possibly beyond, leaving them wondering if it had remained
intact. Ray didn't want to think of the other alternative. 

 Leaving Chicago so abruptly, leaving without having the chance to say
goodbye to his friend turned lover was the worst thing Ray could do to
Fraser. He was deserting Fraser just like everyone else in his life had
and even though it was only going to be for a short while, Fraser wasn't
aware of that. All Fraser knew was that Ray had left and there was no
guarantee he would return. Ray knew life's history warned Fraser from
believing in the positive when the outcome would mean his happiness. It
was the same belief Ray held as being true even now. 

 Had Ray known then what he knew now, he never would have chosen to take
on the assignment offered to him. Had he known Fraser would be diagnosed
with cancer in turn fighting a battle for his life, Ray never would have
chosen to desert him when Fraser needed him most. The battle wasn't over
and even though Fraser still needed him, there was something keeping
Fraser from voicing that need. It was that invisible barrier that Fraser
had the habit of using to protect himself from being hurt. It was a tactic
that Ray hadn't seen Fraser use since before they became lovers and it
worried him to know Fraser was reverting back to the way he use to be. He
had fallen back into the lonely existence that Ray had saved him from and
now that Ray had returned, Fraser didn't know how to react. 

 Ray hadn't received an answer to his first knock so he tried again.  

 Fraser wasn't ignoring his visitor on purpose but he knew whoever it was
would leave him alone if he didn't answer. If it was Ray who was knocking,
Fraser also knew he would come in no matter what. And if it was Ray
knocking, he felt a little sad that Ray even thought he had to knock
before coming it. It was his room to begin with and it wasn't as if they
were strangers but their time apart seemed to make it so. 

 As he had guessed, Fraser heard the door open cautiously and he heard Ray
enter quickly, closing the door behind him. Fraser listened to Ray's
movements as he placed the breakfast tray Fraser had been anticipating if
not dreading on the dresser just inside the door. Ray proceeded to
approach him at his position by the window that overlooked the back lawn
of the family home. When Ray's arms wrapped around him, he sighed out
loud. 

 The house was quiet for a change and Fraser enjoyed that silence. Closing
his eyes he could imagine being back at his apartment on West Racine, his
sanctuary in the big city of Chicago. Ray being with him now, arms wrapped
tightly around his waist and Ray's slight body pressed against his back
made imagining even easier. It was just like all the mornings they woke
together, staring out the kitchen window while they waited for the water
to boiled for Ray's morning fix of caffeine. 

 Fraser opened his eyes to look out the window they stood at now, reality
settling over him quicker than he cared to handle. As he dropped his head,
Ray's embrace became even stronger. 

 "I miss it too, Benny," Ray whispered against Fraser's neck before
placing a kiss on that spot. 

 It was comforting to know he didn't have to explain himself to this man
and maybe that was one of the reasons they were having problems
communicating now. Both thinking they didn't need to say anything because
the other already knew what was going to be said. But there was more that
needed to be talked about. More than Fraser was ready to discuss. 

 "I brought breakfast," Ray announced even though he wasn't ready to move
from their spot but he had promised his mother he would make sure Fraser
ate and eat he would make him do. 

 "I can smell it," Fraser responded neutrally, he didn't want to move
either. 

 "Come on." Ray began directing Fraser towards the bed to sit and eat the
meal his mother had prepared. "Ma put her heart into this and you are
gonna eat. We don't want to disappoint Ma now, do we?" 

 Fraser let himself be led away from the window. 

 "You hungry, cause I think Ma made enough for both you, me and the wolf."


 Fraser gave Ray a smile as he sat down. He truly wasn't hungry or it was
more he truly didn't care to eat but he learned quickly about refusing to
eat a meal prepared by Mrs. Vecchio. If Ray's guilt wouldn't get him to
eat, the thought of possibly hurting her feelings did. 

 Ray moved to retrieve the tray from his dresser and placed it over
Fraser's lap once he was settled on the bed. Ray took a seat on the side
of the bed as Fraser picked up his fork and began pushing the food around.


 "So I was thinking, maybe after you are done eating . . . maybe we could
take a trip down to the station. The guys there have been asking about you
and I thought it might be nice to get out of here. What do you say?" Ray
sounded so unsure of himself. "You wanna get out of here for a couple
hours?" 

 Fraser didn't respond to Ray's question but instead started eating. 

 Ray knew Fraser had heard him, the man would have to be as deaf as his
wolf not to have but Ray accepted Fraser's non-verbalized response. "Hey,
if you don't want to go that's fine. I just thought since I was going in
again to meet with Lieutenant Welsh that you could come too." 

 Fraser looked up from his tray to look at Ray. "You are meeting with
Leftenant Welsh?" 

 Ray shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, well since I finished up with the Feds
yesterday I thought I would go in and talk to Welsh about . . . ya know .
. . my job." 

 "Really . . . so soon?" 

 "Yeah, well I can't hang around here all day. I think I might drive Ma
crazy if I did. A home body I am not." 

 Fraser smiled then frowned. 

 "Hey, what's that face for?" 

 Fraser shook his head. "It's nothing Ray." 

 It was Ray that frowned this time. The barrier was erecting itself again
but the barrier wasn't rising by itself, Fraser was the one who was
building it, brick by brick, minute by minute. All Ray could do was watch
as Fraser closed himself off more and more. Ray sighed not knowing how
else to respond. 

 Fraser reacted to the sigh. The sigh spoke of the frustration Ray was
feeling and Fraser couldn't help but feel responsible for that
frustration. Ray had just returned from an undercover assignment that
tried to drain the life out of him and upon returning to his home, he went
from one assignment to another. Fraser never meant to be a burden on
anyone, least of all Ray. 

 Before Fraser could say anything, Ray beat him to the punch. "Benny, we
have to talk." 

 Fraser placed his fork on the breakfast tray, giving Ray his full
attention. "There's nothing to talk about." 

 "What? You and I haven't talked since I got back," Ray said, disputing
Fraser's statement. 

 "We've talked." 

 "Benny, 'Hi, how are you doing' does not constitute a talk. That is
something . . . a conversation between two strangers. Are we strangers?" 

 The only response from Fraser was uncomfortable silence as he looked
away. 

 "But it feels like we are, doesn't it?" Ray assumed for both of them but
he knew Fraser well enough to know he agreed with him. 

 "Not all the time," Fraser responded, looking back at Ray. 

 "No, I suppose not," Ray agreed. 

 What had happened to take away their bond, their trust, their friendship?
It seemed as if they were just moving through the motions now in order to
make it through each day. There was no denying they loved one another,
each heart ached for the other but what they had before was something they
both had taken for granted. 

 Ray panned around his room and was still surprised at the change that had
taken place. His room now looked more like a library. He knew Fraser liked
to read but even this was a little excessive. He needed to get Fraser out
of the house and not just for another treatment. Ray assumed some fresh
air and personal interaction would do Fraser a world of good even if
Fraser didn't agree. 

 "So, what do ya say?" Ray asked changing the subject. 

 "About what, Ray?" 

 "About you coming with me to the station. I'm certain Elaine would love
to see you, along with Huey and Dewey. Lieutenant Welsh has been asking
about you too!" Ray said, trying to entice Fraser into coming out with
him. 

 In Ray's thinking, he thought if he could get Fraser to come with him,
things would all fall back into their normal groove. If he showed Fraser
things hadn't changed, he could prove that Fraser didn't need to protect
himself with his emotional wall. 

 "Not today," Fraser responded as he moved the tray of food away so he
could get back up. He hadn't even eaten half of what Ray brought up. 

 "Come on Benny, how long's it been since you've been at the station?" 

 Fraser didn't answer and in his silence, his body tensed. 

 "It's just a visit. We don't have to stay . . ." 

 "I don't want to go," Fraser said sternly, cutting Ray's own words off. 

 "But . . ." 

 "Ray! No!" 

 Ray was shocked by Fraser's outburst. It was uncontrolled emotions,
something Ray had always encouraged Fraser to let loose now and again but
the anger pouring out of him now wasn't what Ray had expected. The anger
being directed towards him affected Ray, hurt Ray. 

 Fraser relented on his mood. "I'm sorry . . . I just don't want to.
Please understand." 

 But Fraser's abruptness had already done its damage. 

 "It's okay Benny . . . I'll just go in by myself." Ray stood up and took
the breakfast tray from his bed, heading towards the door. "If you prefer
to stay here, cloister up with your books, I'm sure everyone will
understand." 

 "Ray . . ." 

 But Ray didn't stop moving. He exited the bedroom, leaving Fraser with
his books and solitude and barrier to hide behind. 

 In frustration, Fraser grabbed the nearest stack of books and threw then
across the room at the closed door. All he wanted to do was scream but
that wasn't very Mountie like and he wouldn't want to worry anyone with
his outburst. He wanted to cry but he had cried so much alone that he had
no more tears to shed. There was nothing for him to do to release the
feelings that were churning inside of him or at least nothing he was
prepared to do. He needed to talk but he feared what he would say. They
were thoughts he didn't let himself dwell upon too much less he admit the
severity of the situation he was in. He needed a rein to hold onto to keep
control of is life. He needed to be in control. 

 Fraser moved back towards the window and took up the position he held
when Ray had entered the room. He watched the youngest Vecchio member
below, chasing after his wolf, the young boy emitting a gleeful laughter.
A small smile spread across Fraser's face as he enjoyed the sound. Michael
Vecchio didn't have a care in the world. He had a mother and father,
brothers and sisters who all loved one another and at that very moment, a
wolf all to himself. He wanted for nothing else in the world. The boy had
a security that he couldn't even fathom at his age. 

 Fraser was envious of that kind of peace.  

 He had been able to impose himself into the life of a crime boss and no
one was the wiser. Ray had been able to fool men whom could've had him
killed if they wanted to, never to be seen again but Ray had fooled them.
They never knew and even to this day and beyond, they probably never would
figure out what actually happened to the real Armondo Langostini. Ray
couldn't even be sure of what happened to the man who was his double and
he was beginning to realize he was glad of that lack of knowledge. The
less he knew, the less danger he was in. 

 Day by day Ray was quickly learning that all the undercover assignments
in the world couldn't have prepared him for what he was coming home to.
And just when he thought he had it all figured out, Fraser threw Ray a
curve. This morning the wrench was Fraser being up before Ray had even
twitched a muscle. When Ray's body finally registered to his brain that he
was alone in bed, he shot up to a seated position, breathing irregularly.
Panning the room, Ray found Fraser standing by the closet nearly,
completely dressed. 

 "What are you doing?" Ray asked, his brain still a little groggy and his
heart racing. He had woken up too many nights alone while in Las Vegas and
now that he was finally able to hold the one person he loved in life, Ray
never wanted to know what it was like to wake up alone again. 

 "I'm getting dressed, I thought that was obvious," Fraser responded in
his typical, "sensible" and annoying Fraser fashion. 

 Ray was only slightly annoyed but it was a much-missed annoyance. "Yeah,
I can see that but isn't it early?" 

 "Ray will be here in a few minutes to take me to the hospital," Fraser
responded as he tucked his T-shirt into his jeans then pulled a blue
flannel shirt out of the closet, putting that on as well. 

 "Benny," Ray began as he expeditiously climbed out of bed. "Why didn't
you tell me? He doesn't have to take you. I can take you to your
appointment." 

 Ray was out of the bed before he finished his words and began rummaging
through his dresser for clothes. 

 "Ray . . ." 

 "It'll only take me a few minutes to get dressed and I can grab a cup of
coffee at the hospital . . ." 

 "Ray . . ." 

 "Why didn't you tell me you had an appointment?" Ray asked as he moved
towards the closet, brushing by Fraser to find an appropriate sweater. 

 "Ray . . ." Fraser said again, finally getting Ray's attention. 

 "What?" Ray asked as he pulled his sweater on over his head. 

 "Ray is going to take me to my appointment. He always does," Fraser said
that last statement with a shrug of his shoulders as he walked away from
Ray and sat on the bed to put his shoes on. 

 Ray stood speechless, watching Fraser. He was receiving the brushed off.
He'd receive the brush off before in life on many varying occasions but
never had Fraser been the one to give him the brush off. 

 "But I'm home now. I can take you," Ray argued weakly. He couldn't help
the whine that accompanied the words coming out of his mouth. 

 Fraser looked up at Ray and even though he could see Ray was hurt by his
decision, he remained firm in that decision. "Ray . . . it's just . . . I
just . . . " Fraser paused in his reply as if willing himself to remain
strong, to keep control of the situation before he lost what little
control he did have over his life. "I don't want you there," Fraser
continued before dropping his head, concentrating on the shoe he was
tying. He couldn't stand to watch the look of hurt showing in Ray's eyes
as it transformed into a deeper feeling of guilt. 

 "You don't want me there?" Even though Fraser wasn't looking at Ray to
see the guilt, he could hear it in his voice. 

 Fraser shook his head in response. 

 Ray's hands clenched into fists at Fraser's lack of an explanation.
"That's it, that's all you're gonna say?" 

 Fraser slowly finished tying his left sneaker, letting his foot drop to
the floor. What else was there for him to say? 

 "Fine," Ray blurted out, anger coating his words. He hated receiving the
silent treatment and he hated it even more when it was Fraser giving it to
him. "You go to your appointment, I'm sure Stanley will take good care of
you. I mean he's taken care of you these last couple months, what's a few
more. Obviously I'm not needed." 

 "What the hell did I come home for anyway?" Ray said as he crossed the
room towards his dresser, grabbing his wallet, muttering to himself. He
may have been muttering but his voice was loud enough for Fraser to hear
him. It was a guilt trip pure and simple because nothing else was getting
through to Fraser. 

 "Ray . . ." 

 "No, you listen. I've done everything in my power to come home to be here
for you and what happens? All I find is that you don't want me here. Can
you explain that to me? Can you?" Ray slammed his dresser drawer closed
after retrieving a pair of socks. When he turned towards Fraser it was to
find him staring back with concealed eyes. Whatever Fraser was thinking or
feeling Ray couldn't read because Fraser's thoughts and emotions were
being hidden. 

 Fraser's next words were whispered and uncertain. "I didn't ask for you
to come back." 

 The shock over the words Fraser had chosen to say was evident on Ray's
face by his wide eyes and the movement of his head as it jerked back at
their verbalization. Did Fraser mean what he said or was it just his way
of protecting himself from his own feelings, or was he protecting himself
from Ray? 

 Frustrated, Ray grabbed his shoes that were on the floor at the end of
his bed and turned, heading for the door. 

 "Ray . . ." What he was saying wasn't coming out right and if it didn't
sound right to himself, Fraser could only imagine what Ray's perception of
their meaning was. 

 Ray stopped with the door open but he didn't turn back to look at Fraser.
"Yeah?" 

 Of all the times in his life when he needed his communication skills, now
was one of the most important and that skill failed him yet again. "I'm
sorry." 

 Ray took a deep breath and sighed as he dropped his head, truly
frustrated by their conversation. His anger had been building in the days
he'd been home and this morning Ray had been pushed one step too far. 

 "Yeah Benny, me too." 

 And Ray left his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He had just woken
up so Ray didn't have a clue where he was going. All he knew was that he
needed to get away from Fraser and the house and everyone. He didn't have
a job to go to and anyway, he didn't even have a car of his own to get to
said job had he had one. Ray plopped down at the bottom of the stairs to
put his shoes on before heading out the door, destination unknown.  

 "Hey Frase, you ready?" Stan Kowalski asked as he entered Ray's bedroom
and the sight that greeted him was not good. "Fraser?" 

 Fraser was fastening his backpack when Stan entered the room, finishing
packing up all he would need. The last time Stan had seen the pack was
when he brought Fraser here. Stan couldn't imagine where his friend was
planning on going or why. 

 "Hey Frase, what's up? Going on a trip or somethin'?" Stan asked, sitting
casually on the bed looking up at Fraser, waiting for an answer. 

 "I ah . . . " and even with this "Ray" he was having problems
communicating. 

 "Fraser, just spit it out okay, 'cause we gotta get going." Stan stood up
and slung the back pack over his shoulder knowing the weight of the pack
would tire Fraser out too quickly if he tried to lug in on his own. "Where
ya going?" 

 Fraser cleared his throat as he fell into step behind Stan. "I was
wondering . . . that is if it wouldn't be a bother . . . I was wondering
if I could stay with you for a while." 

 Fraser ran into Stan when the man came to an abrupt stop in the upper
hallway of the Vecchio home. 

 "What?" Stan squeaked out as he turned to look at his friend. "What are
you talking about." 

 Fraser was rubbing his eyebrow or what was the area where his eyebrow
would have been and began stammering. "It's just . . . I need . . .
There's too much . . ." 

 Stan let Fraser off the hook. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. I don't mind,
really. Ray's okay with this then?" Stan asked as he turned and began
leading the way again down the stairs. 

 Fraser took to the defense. "I don't believe I need his permission to go
anyway." 

 The terse tone in Fraser's voice was not what Stan was accustomed to
hearing. Once they were downstairs Stan tossed Fraser's backpack on the
floor, turning to his friend. "Okay, what gives?" 

 "I don't know what you are referring to," Fraser replied innocently. 

 "You two have a fight or something?" Stan wasn't about to budge until he
got to the bottom of the situation. 

 "Ray, it is none of your concern. I need a place to stay, if you can't
accommodate us . . ." 

 "Us, you and Ray?" 

 Fraser shook his head. "No, of course not. I was referring to Diefenbaker
and myself." 

 Speaking of the devil or the wolf with the devilish personality,
Diefenbaker came bounding into the living room right on cue. "Does he have
E.S.P. or somethin'?" Stan asked, stooping down to greet the wolf before
he ran off again. 

 Diefenbaker wasn't planning a speedy retreat but more was trying to hide
behind Stan and Fraser. 

 Michael Vecchio came running into the living room at that very moment too
and as he reached Diefenbaker he placed a hand on Diefenbaker's rear,
squealing. "Tag, you're it!" 

 Before Mikey could make his escape, his mother scooped him up into her
arms. 

 "Oh no you don't," Maria said, trying to keep a hold of her wiggling son.
"You've had enough running around this morning. I think we could all do
with some quiet time." 

 Mikey quickly gave up on trying to escape from his mother's embrace and
gave her the biggest frown he had in his arsenal of pouts. 

 "Don't look at me like that," Maria warned as he began carrying her
youngest up the stairs. 

 Diefenbaker moved to follow the two Vecchios but Fraser stepped in his
way. The wolf gave his companion a questioning look, cocking his head to
one side and sat down at attention. 

 "We are leaving," Fraser said. 

 Diefenbaker knew Fraser was leaving but what did that have to do with
him? 

 "No, you and I are leaving. We are going to stay at Ray's apartment,"
Fraser clarified, pointing towards Stan. 

 Stan just gave the wolf a so-so smile. He could see Diefenbaker wasn't
going to be happy about their new arrangements. Heck he wasn't happy about
the arrangements, and it wasn't that he didn't want them to stay with him
but more they shouldn't be staying with him. The Vecchio home was where
they belonged or at least Fraser belonged with Ray, wherever he was. 

 Diefenbaker gave a whimper of protest that he knew wouldn't be heard. 

 "No, you do not have a say in this." 

 "Have a say in what, Caro?" 

 Stan watched Fraser close his eyes, dreading what was coming next. 

 All Fraser wanted was some time alone or at least some time where there
weren't ten different people fretting about him at once and he knew Mrs.
Vecchio wouldn't understand why he was leaving and would also be a little
hurt by his decision. As much as he wanted to make it out of the house
without confronting her with his decision Fraser also knew there was no
getting around it. He owed her an explanation after everything she had
done for him. 

 "Diefenbaker and I are leaving," Fraser said as he turned to meet her
eyes. There was worry in those all-knowing eyes as there always was. 

 "Of course you are. You have a doctor's appointment, I knew that." 

 "No . . . I mean yes, I have an appointment but what I was trying to say
is that Diefenbaker and I are going to be leaving today." 

 Mrs. Vecchio moved her eyes from Fraser to the man standing behind him
and back again. "Does Raymondo know about this?" 

 Fraser blanched at the question he knew was coming. "He . . . ah . . .
he's well aware of the situation." 

 It wasn't a complete lie but more a stretching of the truth. After their
misunderstanding earlier in the morning, it would be hard for either of
them not to admit there was a problem so yes, Ray was aware there was a
"situation" brewing between them. Now, did Ray know Fraser was moving out
of his home, he probably didn't have a clue but Fraser didn't want to
worry the woman who had taken care of him as if he was her own. A small,
white lie never hurt anyone. 

 Stan was standing behind Fraser and he shook his head emphatically at
Mrs. Vecchio, disagreeing with what his friend was saying, giving Mrs.
Vecchio the heads up on what Fraser wasn't saying. Mrs. Vecchio was quick
with the pick-up and gave Stan a reassuring look. 

 "I see," she said in response to Fraser's statement. Mrs. Vecchio was a
mom with great experience. She knew her children fairly well and she could
see that leaving was a necessary step Fraser needed to go through in order
to come to terms with his own emotions. "Where will you be going?" 

 Her understanding surprised Fraser. He assumed there would be more
fussing or even worse, he expected her to try and convince him not to go.
He expected Mrs. Vecchio to try and convince him that he belonged here
with her family. Fraser knew he was part of the large Italian family but
living there was becoming overwhelming. Some days, it felt as if he was
drowning on dry land. 

 "Ray has been gracious enough to allow us to stay with him for a while." 

 "Yeah, I promise to take good care of Fraser here," Stan piped in trying
to assure Mrs. Vecchio that Fraser's needs wouldn't be ignored. He had
taken care of Fraser before bringing him to the Vecchio home when things
got a little difficult for Stan to handle on his own, he could do it again
for a little while. 

 Mrs. Vecchio eyed both men up and down before responding. "Alright, but
only if you promise to take care of yourself and Stanley, you keep an eye
on him for me. I don't want to hear you've been neglecting you medicine
and you are to eat, three meals a day . . . " Her list of orders went on
but Fraser knew she wouldn't be doing her job unless she went through each
item, one by one. 

 "Thank you for your concern and I promise to take care of myself," Fraser
agreed. 

 For as much as he understood her need to pamper, Fraser couldn't help but
feel like he was downing. He couldn't get out of the house fast enough.
West Racine, Fraser wished he could go back to his apartment on West
Racine. It was the one place that held a sense of solitude that only
recently Fraser began to realize he missed. Even with its leaky pipes and
nosey neighbors and drafty windows, apartment 3J had been his home and he
missed it terribly. 

 Once all her orders were delivered and each man received a peck on the
cheek (and a pat on the head for Diefenbaker), Mrs. Vecchio walked all
three of them to the front door and stood there, watching them leave. She
knew her son was not going to be happy when he found out about Fraser's
departure, no happier than she was now. But she also knew that Ray would
be able to take care of the situation. He would be able to take care of
Fraser, as only Ray knew how.  

 How Fraser did this on a regular basis Ray would never know. Upon leaving
his family home, lacking any means of transportation, Ray took to the
Mountie way of getting around town when one didn't have a car or a friend
with a car willing to haul him around said town, he walked and walked he
did. He wouldn't even have been surprised by the end of the day to have
found holes in the soles of his shoes due to the amount of walking he did.
Especially since when Ray left the house, he had no particular destination
in mind. Even with no destination set out, he ended up where he would have
had he had the Riv. He was drawn to this place as if it held a certain
power that in just being there, Ray could feel that everything was going
to be all right again. 

 Standing in front of the construction sight, Ray couldn't believe the
changes the old neighborhood had gone through in his absence. Even though
the changes were for the better neighborhood-wise it still saddened Ray to
see the differences all the same. All Ray could remember was every little
complaint he had offered his friend about his home. Then he could only
imagine what it was like for Fraser when he returned from his vacation to
find the only place he knew as home burned to the ground. And in turn,
find his life turned more upside down when he learned that his best
friend, his lover, had left him high and dry without warning. The
apartment may have been a dump, but it was Fraser's home and he would miss
it in the same way that Ray would and did miss his own home. Ray cursed
himself for all the negative words he had ever offered about the hovel of
an apartment for now in its absence, he missed it too. 

 Ray sighed heavily. West Racine wasn't the same and neither was his life.
There wasn't much to really look at now other than the construction
workers themselves as they did their part to erect the condominiums that
would replace Fraser's old apartment building along with all the other
adjacent buildings too. Building developer John Taylor didn't have to wait
the four years after all. Such a shame after everything Fraser did for his
fellow tenants. Ray wondered if Fraser remained in contact with any of
them or were they just another set of ships that passed Fraser by in the
night, never to be seen again. That was the story of his life. People come
and people go, affected one way or another by the most perfect man Ray had
ever come to know. Not that Fraser was perfect, Ray would never claim
that, but he was as close to perfect as they came. 

 Ray reluctantly turned and began walking again, away from the good
memories, his best memories. How could his best memories be held in a
place he couldn't stand to see Fraser living in? The answer to that
question really didn't matter because it wasn't there anymore. Sadly, Ray
could remember many nights while out in Las Vegas when he would have given
up his lush accommodations in a heartbeat for that rat trap of an
apartment. He would have given anything to be back with Fraser but what
did he have to offer other than his soul and even then, was it his to
give? Ray felt he had lost that long ago. 

 Ray's feet were going to hate him by the day's end but he didn't care.
His next destination was a place where he needed to go to make peace with
himself and with his car, Lake Michigan. 

 He shouldn't have been surprised by the news of his car's demise. He
should have known this was its inevitable fate. His cars were never safe
when he was in town let alone when he was leaving them in the capable
hands of a stranger and his best friend. Ray's only wish was that the Riv
would have lasted longer than a day. One day, must have been a new record
for the Mountie but it truly wasn't his fault really. Wasn't the
perpetrator the girlfriend of an arsonist Ray helped to commit? In the
past, it just seemed easier to blame someone else rather than himself or
that it was no one's fault at all. 

 Looking over the restraining bars on the pier, Ray stared into the murky
depths of Lake Michigan thinking that if he squinted hard enough he would
be able to see the remains of his beloved Riv. Ray had to admit that if
this was the way she had to go, it was a good way to go. She didn't go for
nothing. She saved the lives of two people who meant the world to Ray: one
because he was desperately in love with him and the other because Ray's
life was in his hands. 

 So, even with everything that had happened, Ray wasn't angry. For a
change, he wasn't angry or holding a grudge or blaming anyone for the
destruction of his Riv. It was an "in the line of duty" sort of thing. It
was no different than had he been shot while they were on a case. He
seemed to put everything at risk when he was going after his man. No,
correction, their man. It was the Fraser influence on his life. Maybe that
was why he left for Las Vegas. Ray still was having trouble figuring the
whys behind that one. 

 The one thing Ray did learn during his time as Armondo Langostini was
that grudges were pointless. They were too time consuming and life
draining. Grudges only led to hate and revenge and that wasn't any way for
a person to live. Life was too short to waste on hate and revenge. In
general life was too short and now that he was home, Fraser made him
realize that even more. 

 The wind off the lake whipped around Ray's body causing him to wish he
had grabbed his coat when he rushed out the door. It was spring but the
springtime in Chicago was a tricky season. Just when a person thinks he's
got Mother Nature figured out, she pulls a string and it's winter all over
again. Ray had wasted most of the morning hours by walking to West Racine
and then on down to the lake. Now that it was nearing the lunch hour, He
took it upon himself to show up at the precinct and maybe offer his sister
a lunch date. It had been quite a while since they last had a big brother,
little sister talk. 

 Ray would probably put up with anyone's company by now, as long as they
kept him away from home a little while longer. That exception even
included Huey's new partner whom Ray had only met a few days ago.
Detective Thomas Dewey was different and for some reason, he seemed to rub
Ray the wrong way. Maybe it was they way he always tried to fit in with
the conversation while making a complete ass of himself or perhaps it was
just the fact that this man took the place of a friend whose life was cut
too short. Dewey was just going to be another person Ray needed to get use
to if he was going to return to work at that 27th precinct. Dewey and
Frannie together could possibly drive Ray over the edge if he wasn't
careful. 

 And unfortunately for Ray, Francesca wasn't to be seen when he entered
the squad room although her desk couldn't be missed, cluttered as her own
bedroom dresser was. How she found anything she needed was beyond him and
how she was able to "aid" any of the detectives was a mystery to her own
brother. Thank God he wasn't returning to work yet. He still needed some
time to digest the fact that when he did, he would be working side-by-side
with his sister. 

 Ray loved Francesca as any brother would but they were too much alike and
their likeness is what made them butt heads half the time. 

 Ray walked passed his sister's desk, his body migrating itself towards a
familiar chair. It sat in front of the desk that at one time was his but
now belonged to another Ray. He took a seat in the chair that he
affectionately came to call "Fraser's chair" and was struck by how
anomalous the situation was. Sitting on this side of the desk, Ray was
able to catch a glimpse of what it was like in Fraser's position; to be
one of the detectives and yet not. 

 "Vecchio," a gruff voice from behind Ray grabbed his attention, causing
him to stand up immediately. 

 "Yes Sir," Ray greeted Lt. Welsh. 

 "I thought you weren't returning to work yet," Lt. Welsh said, eyeing Ray
suspiciously. 

 "I'm not Sir," Ray concurred the Lieutenant's beliefs. 

 "Ah . . . then why are you here? I've seen you every day this week and
today of all days was the one day I didn't expect to see you. What gives?"
Lt. Welsh asked. After a week's worth of interrogations by the Feds, he
never expected to see Ray within a five mile radius of the precinct. It
would be like him showing up on his day off which he rarely, if never did.


 "I thought I would come and take my sister to lunch Sir . . . but . . . "


 "I see," but the man wasn't a Lieutenant for nothing. He knew there was
more going on than meets the eye but he also knew when to butt out. He
opted to change the subject. "How's Fraser doing?" 

 Ray's face grew pale and at that moment things became a little clearer.
"He's fine sir." 

 The short response confirmed Lt. Welsh's assumption that Ray's presence
and mood revolved around the absentee Mountie but when did anything Ray do
not revolve around Fraser? 

 "That's good to here," Lt. Welsh said. "Give Fraser my regards." 

 "I will, Sir." 

 Lt. Welsh turned to walk back to his office but half way there he stopped
and turned back to Ray. "And Vecchio." 

 "Yes Sir?" 

 "I don't want to see you here every day. I expect that from Fraser but
you are not the Mountie. Use your time off wisely." Lt. Welsh continued
heading back to his office and closed the door once he was inside. It was
one thing to have a Mountie in everyday when he didn't even work for the
Chicago Police Department but to have a civilian, even if he was and was
going to be a detective again, stopping in daily to see what he could do
was too much. 

 Ray took his seat again and waited. 

 "Strange to see you here," Stan said as he passed Ray, dropping his keys
on his desk and hanging up his coat. "I thought the Feds were done with
you." 

 "They are," Ray said as he watched Stan take a seat. "Didn't have any
place else to be." 

 Stan pursed his lips and nodded his head. "Been waiting long?" 

 "Nah, just got here a few minutes ago. Thought I might take my sister to
lunch but it seems I missed her," Ray commented, looking back at his
sister's desk and then returning to look at Stan. 

 "Yeah, well today's the day she gets her nails done so what're ya gonna
do." 

 Ray was startled by that comment. "How do you know that?" 

 Stan shrugged his shoulders. "Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure
out the inner workings of Francesca Vecchio. Anyway, you spend a year
being her brother you pick up on her habits. I don't mean to step the
bounds here but I think I may know her better than you . . . for now that
is." 

 Ray nodded his head, agreeing with the man who protected his identity, in
turn protecting his family from the possible repercussions of a mob
family. He silently thanked Stan again for putting his own life at risk
for a person he didn't know. 

 The two men were quiet for a spell, the sound of the every day workings
of the squad room seeming to drown out their thoughts. 

 "How'd Fraser's appointment go this morning?" 

 "Pretty good . . . better than the last one. I left him resting
comfortably at my place." Stan had to throw that last bit of information
in. 

 "That's good," Ray stated not fully comprehending the words but it didn't
take him long to pick up on what was not right about that statement.
"What?" 

 "I left him and the wolf at my apartment, along with his backpack if you
catch my drift." 

 Ray caught the drift of reality all too clearly. Ray leaned forward,
elbows resting on his knees and his hands running over his very shortly
cropped hair. How had things gotten this bad? 

 "I think it may be a lack of communication but that is just my opinion.
And possibly an environment he's not used to living in twenty-four hours a
day. Heck, even I think your family is a little overwhelming." 

 Ray hadn't realized he said that last part out loud and yet he couldn't
help but agree with Stan's opinion. "Now what?" 

 "I don't know, he's your Mountie." 

 A small smile spread across Ray's mouth at the words uttered by the Stan.
"His Mountie." He remembered a time when everyone assumed that even before
Fraser "was" his Mountie. Funny how fate had it all worked out that way
and Ray wasn't about to let his Mountie go. 

 "I need your help," Ray said sitting up straight. There was determination
sparkling in his eyes and Stan was willing to help out in anyway he could.


 "I may have a plan," Stan offered leaning forward, willing to take part
in the conspiracy. He shared his idea with Ray whom couldn't have come up
with a better plan himself. He liked Stan and was looking forward to being
his partner when he returned to work. Heck, with the four of them (Dief,
Fraser, Stan and himself), the criminals of Chicago didn't stand a chance.
 

 Stan dropped Ray off at his apartment, the plan being that he and Ray
would swap sleeping accommodations for the night. Stan looked back only
once at the one man who held Fraser's life in his hands and prayed that
Fraser, for a change, wouldn't be as bull headed as he had become in the
last couple months. No matter how much Fraser refused to admit he needed
Ray, Stan knew better. It was the only reason he went seeking Ray in the
first place. It was a simple plan, half of it already completed and the
rest was now up to Fraser and Ray. 

 Ray stood staring, watching Stan and wolf as they turned to take their
leave through the apartment door. The growing silence slowly consumed him.
He watched that door close leaving him alone with his thoughts and
wondering where he would go from here. It wasn't an intricately detailed
plan but it was one that would serve its purpose. They would finally have
time alone, together. They would finally have the time they needed to sort
through everything that had happened to them and hopefully come to terms
with it all. They would finally have the time they needed to talk without
being interrupted by a family that both men loved dearly but dearly need
time away from. 

 Ray forced himself to move from his stationary position before he turned
into a statue there and ventured further into the apartment. It was a
small, quaint tenement that could use a little cleaning but that was only
comparing Stan's place to his own mother's immaculately kept home and
Fraser's old apartment where it seemed dust was non-existent. Fraser was
probably more stringent about his cleaning than Ray's mother which only
meant the man was really clean. How Fraser tolerated living in these
conditions, though not horrible, was beyond Ray's comprehension but then
when Fraser was living with Stan before he moved into his family's home,
to pass the time quicker, he probably cleaned the place when he was
capable of such strenuous activities. 

 Ray came to a stop in front of a stand that held a fish tank but the tank
didn't house any fish, rather one, small turtle. Peering in from above the
tank, Ray tried to get a good look at the little fellow but he was hiding
inside his shell. Ray changed angles to look in through one of the glass
sides and only then was he able to see the head of Stan's turtle from
within its shell. He was a cute little guy, odd choice of a pet in Ray's
opinion but most likely very low maintenance and easy to care for with the
schedule of a Chicago cop to contend with. 

 The turtle seemed to know where the safest place was for him to be. Ray
wished he could crawl in there with him and hide for eternity. Ray had
moved from one mind field to another and strangely, he preferred the
other. At least in Vegas he had been navigating through the field long
enough to know where and when to step. Now, Ray was blindly running and
praying he didn't make a wrong move. 

 Speedy the turtle stuck his tongue out at him and Ray couldn't help but
think the animal was mocking him. Ray turned his generous nose up at the
creature before righting himself to a vertical position and turning to
view the apartment again. He had a little time before Fraser would wake up
or should be woken up to eat. That was the one thing Ray had promised Stan
he would do, make sure Fraser ate. It wasn't so much that Stan had asked
him to do it but more the fact that Ray knew those orders came directly
from his own mother's mouth and one never wanted to cross Ma Vecchio if
they knew what was good for them, not even her own son. 

 Ray crossed the room and entered the small kitchen area to begin the
preparations for Fraser's dinner. It was the only thing he knew to do to
keep his mind busy and from dwelling upon the negative thoughts
threatening to run rampant in his head. He didn't have the time or the
energy to waste upon the what ifs and whys in his life. Right now he had
to think about Fraser and what he needed to tell him. 

 There were things that both men needed to say and hear. They needed to
get everything out in the open per say, to make things right between them.
Ray knew what he needed to say and what he felt compelled to tell Fraser
but he could only imagine what was going through Fraser's mind. He used to
know or could at least guess what Fraser was thinking in the past but now,
Fraser was hiding his true feelings from the one person that he never
needed to hide from. Ray was his partner, his equal and a person who
always understood him. Ray was the only person who understood Fraser for
no matter how hard others tried, Ray was the only one Fraser allowed into
his heart.  

 He'd been here before and although waking up in this room wasn't anything
new to Fraser it was the last place he expected to find himself. In truth,
it was the last place Fraser ever thought he wanted to be but this was
where he chose to go in order to get away from everything he didn't want
to deal with in life. The only thing missing was the warmth of a familiar
body pressed up against his side. 

 Fraser rolled over and taking a look around the small bedroom, he could
see Diefenbaker was no where to be found. Pulling the covers up and over
his shoulder, Fraser sighed heavily. Even though he needed to be alone, he
didn't want to be totally alone. He had felt totally alone for too long in
his life before meeting Ray and even after. No matter how far it seemed
Fraser had left his solitary existence behind, he always ended up back
where he began, alone. Every time he ended up back at square one, it
became harder and harder for him to accept such a fate because he didn't
want to be alone anymore. 

 Fraser had to laugh at that last thought. For as much as he didn't want
to be alone it was silly for him to have chosen to be alone. He was
isolating himself from his family, "his" family. The Vecchios were his
family in all sense of the word family. They accepted him as such upon his
first introduction to the boisterous clan and after Ray had left town,
that acceptance grew even more so when they accepted that not only was
Fraser Ray's partner and best friend but his lover as well. It was more
than he could have ever wanted in life and more than he felt he deserved.
That alone made the feeling of guilt greater over distancing himself away
from them. 

 Familiar footsteps were making their way to the bedroom door. Fraser's
immediate reaction was to feign sleeping. It was a weak tactic but one
that proved effective as of late. The Vecchio family usually left him
alone when they thought he was sleeping, thinking he needed his sleep and
it bought him time. 

 Fraser heard the door open and with his back turned towards it, he
remained as still as possible. Had it been he who was entering the room,
he would have been able to tell immediately if the person in bed was
sleeping just by the speed of his breathing but Fraser was fairly certain
Stan didn't have such in tuned observation skills. He listened to the food
tray being placed on the desk that sat in Stan's "office turned bedroom"
for Fraser and he prayed he would just leave. 

 The silence was unnerving and made time pass impossibly slow. At the
bed's shifting from the weight of an additional body, Fraser knew it
wasn't Stan and that he wasn't going to be let off the hook easily. He
prayed his assumption was wrong but Fraser knew better than that. He knew
Ray better than that. 

 Slender arms snaked and wrapped their way around Fraser and pulled him
back against the warmth that seemed to naturally radiate off of Ray's
body. It was a familiarity Fraser hadn't realized he had taken for grated
until it was no longer there. 

 "Up and at 'em sleepy head," Ray whispered into Fraser's ear, assuming he
was sleeping. 

 Fraser lazily turned over in the loosened embrace to face Ray. Once he
was eye to eye with Ray, words failed him. A simple hello or good morning
couldn't even grace his lips. How was he to explain why he was where he
was? There were so many things he needed to say and yet he didn't know
exactly how to voice those thoughts. 

 Ray offered a smile that lasted for about as long as he could hold it,
which was about as long as Fraser could stand to look at it. When Fraser
closed his eyes, the smile faded. They were both equally tired of
pretending everything was all right when they knew all too clearly that it
was not. It was okay to fool those around them into thinking all was fine
but between the two of them, it would be a death sentence. 

 "Don't shut me out, Benny," Ray said in a voice that was strained from
trying to constrict the pain he was feeling. 

 Instead of verbalizing a response, Fraser moved forward just enough so
that his forehead pressed against Ray's own forehead, hoping Ray would
understand that he wasn't intentionally isolating himself. It was just a
natural instinct Fraser used to protect himself. 

 And Ray, as always, did understand. "You don't have to do this alone, ya
know?" 

 Fraser nodded his head, agreeing with Ray. 

 "Good," Ray said placed a kiss on Fraser's forehead and then extricated
himself from the bed. "I made lunch . . . or dinner . . . I think it's
dinner by now." 

 Fraser opened his eyes and watched Ray walk over to Stan's desk to
retrieve the food tray he had brought in earlier. It was heaped with more
food than Fraser ever thought he could eat in a whole day let alone one
meal. 

 "Ray, I don't think I'm that hungry," Fraser stated as he sat up. 

 Ray placed the tray over his lap and then sat down next to Fraser on the
bed. "Relax, this isn't all for you. I thought we could eat together . . .
that is if you don't mind." 

 Fraser turned his attention back to Ray and once again, he was
speechless. 

 "What?" Ray asked uneasily under the Mountie's scrutiny. 

 "Why are you asking for my permission?" 

 "What, a guy can't be polite? I get heck from you when I don't hold the
door open for strangers and now you're giving me grief because I'm being
too polite? You need to make up your mind Benny because I'm not a mind
reader here." 

 Fraser sat idly while he watched Ray fiddle with the silverware and
napkins on the tray. He knew before the night was through a discussion
would be had and he wouldn't rule out a little yelling but before they got
to that part, a good meal was necessary. Fraser dropped the subject for
now and turned his attention back to the food Ray had prepared for them. 

 Ray quietly watched as Fraser picked at his meal. Minutes later Ray
joined him. They ate in silence, saving their words for later when they
could concentrate on them and them alone.  

 When they were done eating, Ray took the tray back into the kitchen and
before returning to the bedroom, he decided to do the dishes. During his
whole life he had to be bribed into doing them but today he would rather
do anything else than return to the conversation he knew was waiting just
beyond a simple door. Of course, there were only so many dishes two people
could make out of sandwiches and soup. His delay was short lived. 

 Ray barely got one foot through the doorway when their conversation began
and it was to hear Fraser trying to weasel out of it. 

 "Do we have to talk about this?" 

 Fraser stood at the small window of the bedroom with his back to the
door. Being attentive naturally, he knew when Ray had entered the room
without even looking. 

 "Yes we do. If we are gonna get past this we need to talk about it." 

 "I really don't see the point." 

 Ray sighed in frustration. "Benny, the point is that you're in pain.
You're in pain but you're not telling anyone. You won't even talk to me
about it. 'ME.' You can tell me anything and yet you refuse to. Why? Why
are you shutting me out when you need me the most?" 

 "Because I need you." 

 The statement was said so truthfully that nothing else needed to be added
to explain what he meant but Fraser being Fraser, explained anyway. 

 "I need you Ray. I need you so much it scares me sometimes. Ever since
becoming an adult I have never been this dependent upon another person. I
didn't realize this until you were gone and by that time, it was too late
for me to do anything about it. You were like a drug and I ached for you."


 The explanation itself stunned Ray. He never heard Fraser speak so openly
before. The openness caused the guilt he was feeling to grow. 

 "I'm sorry, Benny." 

 Fraser turned around. "There is nothing to be sorry about." 

 "What do you mean there's nothing to be sorry about? I left you!" Ray
shouted the last part before taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. The
pacing began shortly after that. 

 "I've been racking my brain ever since I got back, trying to remember why
it was that I left in the first place. Every time I come up blank. I can't
for the life of me come up with one good reason to explain why I left, why
I made that decision. And now, seeing what it's done to you . . . I can't
help but wonder if it was all worth it." 

 "I know why," Fraser stated as he watched Ray's movements. The pacing was
mesmerizing. His motions fluid and graceful even in his frustration. 

 Ray stopped his pacing abruptly and stared at Fraser. "You know why?" 

 Fraser nodded his head confidently. 

 "Okay Benny, why did I go to Las Vegas? Why did I choose to abandon
everything I know in life? Why did I choose to leave you when you're the
best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life? Why did I run?" 

 Ray's arms were flailing through the entire tirade, fluttering like a
bird in flight. Fraser had missed this even more. He stared at Ray for the
longest time before answering. To Ray, it looked as if he was
contemplating what to say but there was no reason for contemplation.
Fraser knew why Ray had accepted the assignment, damned the consequences.
Fraser knew that reason all too well. 

 "It was your duty," he answered simply. 

 Ray was shaking his head and a small chuckle escaped. "I'm not you Benny.
I don't live for my duty. I'm no Super Mountie or even runner up. I'm
Detective First Grade, Ray Vecchio. I'm a human being and no more. I have
no special powers or needs to serve people. How can you say this was my
duty?" 

 Fraser made his first move towards Ray but stopped short. "You may not
have known it was your duty, but it was. They needed you and some how, you
knew that. You knew you had to go and you knew that I would understand." 

 That last statement took Ray back for a second because Fraser's actions
as of late contradicted his words. "Did you understand?" 

 Fraser was quiet again and this time he did have to think about his
answer. There were so many emotions wrapped around that one question. If
he started on the wrong foot, Ray would assume the worst. Ray would assume
that he had made the wrong decision in leaving and that was the last thing
Fraser ever wanted Ray doing, second-guessing his choices in life. 

 "I won't mislead you by saying I wasn't affected by you leaving. You of
all people . . . I would never lie to you," Fraser said, pausing,
gathering his thoughts. 

 "Mounties never lie," Ray piped in, a nervous habit causing him to make
the joke. 

 Fraser smiled, understanding the tactic's purpose and he agreed in a
playfully sarcastic tone. "Yes, Mounties never lie." 

 Fraser sat down on the end of the bed, still in front of Ray but he
needed the support to continue. 

 "Do you know how hard it was for me to move into your family's home while
you were gone? I didn't at first, I couldn't. That's why I stayed here. It
was easier here at first but then that was too much to ask Ray to handle.
He was still being you and then to take care of me and Diefenbaker . . .
there just comes a time when you know the limits and that's when I went to
live with your family." 

 "Benny, you know you are always welcome there. Ma loves you like you are
one of her own. They are your family too!" 

 "I know that now. I knew that then too but I feared . . . I feared that
by staying there, I would have given too much away. For all I knew, your
mother didn't know anything more than you and I being friends. I didn't
know . . . " Fraser paused to take in a shuddering breath before
continuing. "I didn't know you had told her." 

 Ray nodded his head understanding the fear Fraser must have been feeling
during that time. Ray had given him no indication that he had told his
mother and to be truthful with himself, he hadn't planned on it either but
it seemed the right thing to do at the time of his departure. 

 "Yeah, I can understand that," Ray said as he took a seat next to Fraser.
"I had to tell her. She needed to know just in case . . ." Ray's words
trailed off, not wanting to complete that thought. 

 Fraser understood the incomplete statement. Ray didn't need to finish his
statement because they both knew what the just in case meant. 

 "You shouldn't be here," Fraser said staring at his hands that were
sitting in his lap, palms up. 

 Ray turned to study Fraser's profile. The man didn't have a bad side,
even when he was sick but he could read the trouble on his features. 

 "You said that before but you're wrong. There isn't any place else I
should be." 

 "You shouldn't have to come home and be expected to take care of me,"
Fraser explained his statement's meaning further. 

 "But I don't mind . . . I want to take care of you." 

 Fraser continued as if Ray hadn't even said a word. "I mean, it's not as
if we were lovers for that long. What was it, a month before you left?" 

 "Two months," Ray corrected still shocked by the short time span that had
actually passed before he had deserted Fraser. Even though they hadn't
been lovers that long didn't mean that they hadn't loved each other
longer, if not throughout their entire acquaintance. 

 Fraser looked at Ray and said, "You have no obligations towards me." 

 "Benny!" 

 Fraser stopped his babbling at the scolding shout. He had stepped over
the line but they were the thoughts that had been going through his mind.
Returning his sights back to his hands, he remained silent. 

 "Benny, you have never been an obligation to me. How could you even say
that?" 

 "You've done everything for me. You have given me everything I could ever
want and all that I ever needed. This was the one thing I could do for
you, be strong on my own, take care of your family, help maintain your
cover while you were gone but I couldn't even do that." Fraser's words
were sorrowful and full of the shame he was feeling for letting Ray down
again. 

 "Benny, I never expected anything in return . . . I didn't treat you any
different than I treat my own family." 

 "I know and that is why I wanted to do this even more. I owed you at
least that much if not more." 

 "You don't 'owe' me anything. You don't even know what you give me in
return, do you?" Ray asked. 

 "I have nothing." 

 "You have everything I have ever looked for. You've given me your love
and your trust. You have given me you. You are the dream I never thought I
could have but I reached for you and I got you. There is nothing more I
could want. Making you happy makes me happy. You are my happiness." 

 Fraser looked down at himself now, at his current condition. Ray's words
were hard to believe on a normal occasion and now even more so. He had
been nothing but trouble from day one of entering Ray's life. 

 "Look at me Ray. I look . . . I look . . . I look horrible. How could you
even bear to look at me? How could you even want me?" 

 "Because you're beautiful Benny," Ray said, tucking his hand under
Fraser's chin and turning his head towards him. "My beautiful Benny," 

 A self pitying Fraser was a sad sight and yet quite endearing to Ray. He
always knew Fraser was human even in the times when Fraser acted like he
lacked the feelings of a normal human being. Ray always knew and now,
seeing Fraser in this kind of mood solidified that belief even more. 

 Fraser smirked at Ray's statement, not believing a word of it. Ray, who
for all intense purpose lived by the motto, "it is better to look good
than to feel good," couldn't mean a word of what he just said. Of all the
people Fraser knew Ray was the last person he wanted to be receiving pity
from. 

 "Benny, Benny, Benny," Ray said shaking his head, displaying his
disappointment. "Have you learned nothing in the years that we have known
each other?" 

 Fraser didn't respond. 

 "I love you," Ray stated so seriously even Fraser couldn't deny he meant
it. 

 Knowing he wasn't lying made Fraser want to cry but he wouldn't. He would
not cry now. He had traveled on an emotional roller coaster that had him
happy one moment, sad the next and angry at the cresting hills. The ups
and downs left him not knowing what his own body would do to betray him. 

 Ray watched the tears fall knowing it wasn't a gesture Fraser allowed
many people to see, let alone him. He scooted closer, wrapping Fraser up
in his arms and he remained silent, letting Fraser work through what he
needed to. It had been a long year, one where they had both been through
hell and back. There was still a long road ahead of them yet and they
would make it, Ray knew that now. They had been through too much together
not to. 

 After a few moments, Fraser finally spoke. "It's just that . . . I
thought . . . I thought I might . . . " His words trailed off not wanting
to admit his deepest fear to Ray. 

 But Ray knew, Ray always knew. Ray pulled back to look Fraser in the eyes
when he completed his confession. "You thought you might die before you
got to see me again?" 

 Fraser nodded solemnly. 

 "Oh Benny . . . " Ray pulled Fraser back, into an embrace and placed a
kiss on his temple. 

 Fraser held on for dear life, never wanted to let go of Ray for fear he
would be gone. 

 "I expect to wake up and you will be gone again," Fraser said, admitting
more of his fears. "It's like you're not real." 

 "I'm really here Benny. Here and in the flesh and I have no intentions of
leaving again." 

 "I believe you . . . I just can't stop thinking that maybe this isn't
real. Maybe I'm deathly ill and I'm not aware of it or anything for that
matter and maybe you are just a hallucination." 

 Fraser pulled back to examine Ray, trying to prove to himself that Ray
was actually real. He knew he was. Ray was sitting next to him. Ray's arms
were still loosely wrapped around him. He could feel Ray but he had had
vivid dreams before that seemed real and the visitations from his own
father could cause any normal person to quesiton their own sanity. It
would take some time before Fraser would stop second-guessing his own
beliefs. 

 Ray watched Fraser's eyes scan him over. It was Fraser doing what he did
best, looking for clues to solve a case and he didn't missing a single
inch of him. When Fraser's eyes rested at his own, Ray smiled
reassuringly, his eyes crinkling at their corners, their color sparkling. 

 Fraser's fingers came up to trace the lines at Ray's eyes. He had missed
those eyes and that nose and that smile. He had missed Ray and it was the
first time he allowed himself to admit that. 

 "I missed you." 

 "I know. I missed you too," Ray said, his smile disappearing at the
realization of how much he had actually hurt Fraser. 

 Fraser's thumbs were stroking the area around the corners of Ray's mouth,
searching for the smile that had faded. 

 "I missed you," Fraser repeated. 

 Ray smiled again. "I know, Benny." 

 Most people wouldn't say it was spectacular, receiving a kiss. A kiss
normally led to other spectacular things. That is what was assumed with
any kiss. It's not that Ray didn't like or didn't care for those "other
things" but when Ray was kissing Fraser, when Ray was being kissed by
Fraser, that act alone was the most marvelous, wonderful, exciting,
spectacular and breathtaking gesture they could ever share. Offering and
being offered love with no expectations of what would or wouldn't follow.
A simple kiss was heaven between them. That was what they were sharing
now, exploring territory that had once been taken for granted. Reclaiming
what they thought was lost. They were finding their home.  

 He didn't look any different than before, before being yesterday when
Stan had picked him up and taken him to the big house where food was
plentiful and there was no one to reprimand him for enjoying it. Looking
at Fraser now Diefenbaker, the ever-observant wolf, could see there was a
definite change in his human companion. Diefenbaker lounged in the doorway
of the small bathroom, tongue lolling as he watched Fraser preparing
himself for the day. 

 Fraser seemed happier, that was the change Diefenbaker could sense. There
was an uplifted improvement in the way he carried himself. His mouth
wasn't in a constant frown and there was liveliness showing in his eyes
that had been missing these last couple months. 

 Diefenbaker panted with excitement over the improvements. 

 Fraser turned his attention from the mirror and gave Diefenbaker a glare.


 "You shouldn't stare," Fraser admonished. "It isn't becoming in a wolf
and in addition, it's rude." 

 Diefenbaker grumbled, arguing with Fraser's logic as always. They were
definitely back on the road to the normalcy or at least back to the life
that was normal between them. He had missed that. 

 Diefenbaker turned his head from Fraser to look at Ray who was standing
in the short hallway leading from the bedrooms. He was leaning against the
wall, listening to the conversation between the Alpha and Beta pack mates.
A smiled splayed on his face knowing this was what they had all missed. 

 The playful banter between Mountie and wolf reminded Ray of Maria
reprimanding her children when they got out of line. Her words were always
stern but still full of love and understanding because she too was once
their age. Ray wasn't implying that Fraser ever was a wolf but Ray
believed that deep down, Fraser knew there was more to the wolf than just
being a wolf. Diefenbaker wasn't a child to Fraser but more "someone" for
him to take care of and yet Ray couldn't help but wonder sometimes if it
might actually be the other way around. 

 Ray bent down and gave Diefenbaker a pat on the head, greeting him for
the morning. They weren't exactly home yet but this was a start. The
tableau playing before him was how it was suppose to be, for the rest of
their lives and if Ray had any say about it, this was exactly how it would
be, forever. 

 End 

End