Yesterday's Favorite     Yesterday's Favorite

 by d.c.

  

 Author's Website: 

 Disclaimer: Alliance abuses them, I love them to death.

 Author's Notes: I'm writing a book. It will probably never be finished.
In the meantime, here's this.

 Story Notes: I can't remember all the spoilers I use, so beware!

 

 

 "Yesterday's Favorite"
 by d.c. 

 "Yesterday's favorite. Don't you hate it?" _ Talk Talk 

 It was time to get up, even though he hadn't really slept the night
before. There was a strong wind blowing forcefully against his bedroom
window. The only other sound which could be heard was creating a slight,
oddly rhythmic tapping against the glass. The faintest amount of air
seeped in through the panes, making the object do a tiny dance in the
early morning light. It had been hand crafted with loving patience and
honest devotion. But not for him. It was the dream catcher. 

 He rolled over in bed to look at the item in question. The sky was grey,
the leaves were falling and he could tell it was raining. It was autumn
already. There was such morbid beauty in the leaves of this season, the
brilliant death singing in gold, brown and red, the colors of the Earth.
The beautiful sight was framed by the woven circle donned with the
feathers of an eagle. Sighing, he wondered why the Mountie would think he
would consider it an honor to own such an item. It was a blatant symbol of
what was keeping them apart and while it cleansed the negative nightly
images of childhood trauma, the dream catcher had become to him a barrier,
a salt_in_the_wound reminder. It was a strainer, separating them from one
another. Kowalski would think a macabre joke was being pulled on him, if
it wasn't for the total innocence Fraser exuded while giving him the gift.
That it was indeed meant as a token of true friendship and brotherly
"love". Therefore, he decided to keep and display it. 

 It was Monday. What a way to start not only the day, but the entire week.
Ray Kowalski had managed to keep his depression at bay, but now he could
no longer avoid it. It was time to confront the Mountie. It was remarkable
how much Fraser could procrastinate when it came to affairs of the heart.
But then again, Ben was dealing with losing him seemingly well, sealing
that supposed hole in his life and soul quite quickly for someone who just
a short time ago was pining for him... Him, not the man he was portraying.
Ray Vecchio had returned from Las Vegas and it was time for the blond
Detective to follow through with his transfer and get on with his life.
Which meant leaving behind everything that came with this job. 

 *Why the Hell did he have to come back so fucking early?!* the blond
Detective silently inquired, although the answer was common knowledge. 

 The Italian's identity had been revealed only a few months into his
undercover stint with the mob. Still, he'd managed to get enough
information to bust at least a few in the crime organization he'd
infiltrated. This left the blue_eyed cop being kicked out of the life he
was just getting to know. He'd already put in a transfer to another
precinct, especially when he saw Fraser fawning over the Italian like they
were long lost brothers or something. He began to get ready for the day,
having showered the night before. It wouldn't take long since his needs
were simple and his usual T_shirt and jeans would do. A stray thought of
Vecchio decked out in full Armani style floated through his mind. 

 *It probably takes him an hour just to get dressed.* he snorted. 

 He once believed he knew what it took to make friends, to aquire
associates and have them reciprocate accordingly. Make sure they care,
show them that you do as well. Protect and honor one another. Share, trust
and be loyal. Give and forgive... Ha! What irony! Now, he wasn't so sure
anymore. He didn't know what he was doing wrong. What could he have done
differently to ensure Fraser's devotion? Why had things fallen apart so
fast? 

 Truthfully, what difference did it make? What was he going to do? Demand
Fraser's friendship? Of course not. Declare Vecchio an enemy, a 'him or
me' attitude? Well, he knew where that would leave him. Even if the
Canadian somehow determined Kowalski to worth his time, it would be a
constant question to him _ how long would this last? What would he do if
Fraser turned away from him again? What if he couldn't take being second
fiddle and finaly punched Vecchio? Oh yeah, that would go over great. 

 Looking in the mirror now, raking a comb through his hair, he tried to
ignore the churning in his stomach. It was hard to tell who he was most
angry at. Fraser had practically dropped him like a dead otter once
Vecchio returned, yet somehow the Mountie genuinely believed they were
still good friends. But the younger Detective could not let go of the
cancerous envy, the jealousy he harbored for the Italian for having Fraser
_ having him in every respect. 

 He began to think how used he felt, even if Fraser hadn't meant to wring
out his heart once he was done with him. Kowalski had done what he
believed was best at the time, helping a friend who was deeply depressed
over the absence of a soulmate. Being with the Mountie was a bit difficult
at first, getting used to his Canadian ways and methods. Eventually, the
smaller man came to look forward to his time with the attractive
Constable, seeing there was more to him than stiff logic and quirky crime
solving techniques. 

 "And this is what I get for it." he bitterly said. "Forget the fact I was
the one that was there for you, forget the fact I was the one who helped
get you through this, forget the fact I am the one who's being punished
for doing what's right." 

 He should've seen it coming, but he confessed he didn't want to admit it.
He'd shared the spotlight of Ben's attentions with that female bounty
hunter, as well as the Inspector and, of course, the plain truth Fraser
practically joined himself at the hip with the young Detective just a
short time after Vecchio left. The Mountie sometimes appeared as loyal as
his options. 

 And the blue_eyed cop was no fool. He'd seen immediately that Fraser was
falling for him. What he hadn't expected was to fall right along with him.
Maybe it was the complete lack of chance anything real would happen that
fueled the attraction or the fact the Mountie is so damned irresistible to
just about everyone. What commenced afterward was weeks and weeks of open
torment between the two. Fraser would not betray Vecchio, would not be
physically intimate with his new "love". But they did come to love one
another. That he was sure of. Just as with Vecchio, all one had to do was
look at the hurdles they'd accomplished, the intimacy transpired between
them and the words of endearment they'd shared, to see how close they'd
become. 

 He couldn't even tell anyone about his present situation. After
sanitizing the truth, he'd tried to confide in a few he trusted about his
predicament, only to be chastised for the effort. He clenched his teeth
together, remembering how Frannie called him spoiled for not thinking of
what Fraser was going through and why didn't he consider how her real
brother felt and didn't he realize the pure, noble Mountie was damned near
beyond reproach and why was he being so...so...selfish!? Kowalski quickly
learned airing his disappointment invited indignation and berating. How
easy it was for those not being fucked over to cast judgement! Or claim
they understood or that it wasn't all that bad. Idiots. 

 The ride to the Consulate was uneventful and he shielded his head from
the rain as best he could with his jacket, removing it once he'd entered
the building. It was that moment did he think of his planning to make sure
he did not run into Turnbull, who had the day off. Guilty, his stomach did
a flip_flop at the scheming to avoid his present part_time lover at a time
like this. He bounded up the steps to Fraser's office. After knocking, he
was greeted with a warm request to enter. Fraser was at his desk, hunched
over several files and a cup of tea. Their eyes met and Fraser stood,
frozen on the spot, but then looked down at his cup. 

 "Ray." He stated, his tone bland. 

 The Detective took a deep breath and slowly let it out. He tried to
relax, but could see that wasn't going to happen. He nervously ran his
hand through his hair. 

 "Look," he started, desperate to get it over with, "I know that things
have changed, all right? Vecchio's back and I know that I'm the third
wheel here." 

 Fraser still said nothing. The blond cop took it as a sign to continue. 

 "I've put in for a transfer." 

 "I know." Fraser stated, his eyes still searching the cup in his hands. 

 "I just thought it was best, you know?" 

 "I understand, Ray." 

 Kowalski swallowed tightly, a dry clenching in his throat. He tried to
hold back the grief that was boiling just under the surface. He craved to
say what was wrong, but a force just as powerful prevented it. When the
Constable said nothing more, Ray felt a rush of panic. He was incensed at
the passive manner Fraser was letting this happen, but at the same time
the Detective understood. It was just like the Mountie to remain devoted
to the one he loved first. It occurred to him if he didn't say it now, he
might never get the chance, which was even more unsettling than walking
away from the man before him. He found himself talking, the words spilling
out of their own accord. 

 "Then why are you doing this? Why are you telling me to shove off?!" 

 "Ray, please..." 

 "No, I'm gonna say this, so you might as well listen! What about all
those times we spent together with you gushing how much you cared for me?
Why did you tell me how you felt if there was no chance of us ever getting
together? And how can you just dismiss me from your life? Am I that easy
to forget?!" 

 "Of course not!" 

 "Then...why?! 

 It was cutting, numbingly painful, to expose himself so plainly, to lay
it on the line as such, to reveal what he'd tried to deny since he walked
into the gorgeous Canadian's life. Hell, he'd gone to Turnbull to release
some of that tension, telling himself it was just hormones, that he really
didn't love his best friend that way, to close his eyes and think it was
Fraser above him, making him feel that bliss that nearly made him pass
out. It was all bullshit. It was never going to happen. He loved Fraser
and wanted to be with him more than ever. The Mountie looked like he was
on the verge of breaking himself, but remained steady. During their entire
acquaintance, Kowalski had been only mildly successful in penetrating that
fortress and the opportunity to see it collapse was fading fast. 

 "Because...I love him." Fraser weakly stated. 

 Ray rolled his eyes and laughed a bit. "You told me that, too." 

 "I'm sorry, Ray. But I made a promise." 

 "And you didn't to me? I seem to remember something from you about being
`best friends for all time.'" 

 "I didn't mean to hurt you, Ray, I swear." 

 Kowalski closed his eyes, seeing how useless this was. As he opened them,
he whispered, "But I'm the one who has to learn how to be alone again." 

 Fraser stared blankly at his soon to be ex_best friend. 

 "Look, I see where your coming from, I really do, Fraser. But, I won't
take this kind of betrayal, not from anybody. You had your chance, so
don't expect for you, me and Vecchio to be some kind of three_manned,
crime_fighting team. I can put up with a lot but...I can't work around
you...and not have you. Can you understand that?" 

 After considering this, the Mountie nodded, visibly miserable. "Yes, I do
understand. Good luck to you, Ray." 

 "Fine. Goodbye then, Fraser." 

 That was it. It was over and time to get the Hell out of there. His hand
was on the door and he was leaving, when a silver streak of hope forced
him to turn around, the words coming faster than light. "Frase, I just
need to know one thing, okay? If it were possible, I mean, if things had
been different...do you think, I mean, would you have...?" 

 To his shock, he was interrupted. 

 "Yes." The Constable stated solemnly, the conviction unwavering. The man
in red serge faced the stunned young man, blue boring into blue. "In a
nanosecond. You know that." Fraser whispered. 

 A drawn out, excruciating moment passed between them and the tension in
the room became palpable. The Detective saw where this was leading, his
pulse and breathing kicking up several notches at the look of abandon
Fraser was giving him. His body felt tingly, as if Fraser's eyes alone
were touching him. Voices in the distance could be heard, but neither of
them took notice. It wasn't until a gentle voice was speaking in his ear
did Ray realize there were others in the room with them. Interrupted by
the Inspector, Turnbull and others barging their way into Fraser's office,
their gaze did not break even when Meg addressed them both, then let her
eyes nail Fraser to the wall. 

 Finally, as if it took everything in him, Kowalski tore his eyes away,
followed by Fraser doing the same. Ray found himself yearning to sit down
he was so drained. The conversation of the people around him was filtering
in, but was all fuzzy. Looking into Thatcher's irritated expression, and
the presence of Turnbull directly next to him...and he found he wanted out
of there now. 

 "I gotta' go." He snapped, turning to leave. 

 The abrasive footsteps echoed throughout the Consulate. 

 "Well." The Inspector said knowingly. "Looks like it's time for
priorities to be put in order. Gentlemen, shall we begin the meeting?" 

End