Namesick	  Namesick

 by Grey

  

 Author's website: http://www.e-fic.com/~grey/

 Disclaimer: 

 Author's Notes: This first appeared in BODY HEAT 3 and can be ordered at
http://lionheartdistribution.com/duesouth.htm 
Thanks to Bast and XFreak for their support.

 Story Notes: 

 

 

 Namesick
 by Grey 

 "I'm not going, Fraser, so just shut up." 

 Fraser ignored the angry words. "Ray, you need stitches and a tetanus
shot." 

 Wrapped in a blanket, soaked to the skin, Ray shivered and shook his head
again. Drizzle and snow flurries added to the chill and his arm throbbed
from the deep gash along the inside of his right forearm. "It's not that
bad, and, besides, I just got a shot a few years ago." 

 Fraser put his hand on Ray's shoulder and squeezed gently, using that
voice, that coaxing voice, the one that Ray always gave into. "Ray, you
need a booster as a precaution. You know the water quality in the Lake
they call Michigan is appalling and that cut is far too severe to go
without sutures." 

 Still angry, still resisting like hell, Ray stood up, holding the blanket
tightly around him like armor. His good boots squished, which only added
to his bad humor. He walked back to his car, ignoring the concerned
glances of his partner and the street cops who'd pulled him out of the
filthy water. "I'm going home. I need dry clothes. Then I'm going to the
station to book Crawford's ass for murder along with trying to kill a cop,
two if we count you." 

 "Ray..." 

 Ray whirled around, one finger up. "Look, forget about bloom, close,
kick'em in the head, Fraser, I still can't swim worth shit. I keep telling
you that, but you don't fucking listen." 

 "Ray, you swim more than adequately." 

 Ray didn't even bother to argue the point. Instead, he headed straight to
what pissed him off even more than almost drowning. "Why the hell did you
push me?" 

 Serious blue eyes stared at him, unrepentant. "It was the only logical
course of action. He had a gun aimed in your direction, there was no
cover, and you were not wearing a vest." 

 "So you pushed my ass in the lake and stayed on the roof with Crawford
when you've got no gun and no back up? What the fuck were you thinking?" 

 "That's not important. What is important is that we have Crawford in
custody and you weren't shot." 

 "You could've been killed." 

 "But I wasn't. Now, Ray, please, let me drive you to the hospital. You're
bleeding." 

 Ray looked down at the blood-soaked, makeshift bandage tied around his
arm, but dismissed the seriousness. He'd had worse, lots worse. "It'll
stop on its own." 

 "You don't know that." 

 "Look, Fraser, I'm going home. You take Dief and go to the station. Make
sure they know it's my collar. I'll book him and sign all the papers when
I get there." 

 "I've called Lt. Welsh. He knows the situation. A trip to the Emergency
Room won't take long." 

 "Forget about it." 

 "I'm afraid I can't do that, Ray." Fraser stepped closer, his voice
lower, almost pleading. "I feel ultimately responsible." 

 "With good reason." 

 "Agreed. I won't rest easy until you receive proper treatment." 

 Ray took a deep breath and leaned back against the hood of his GTO. He
held his achy arm closer to his chest as he shuddered, still jumpy and
unsettled. "I hate hospitals." 

 "I know. Still, the sooner we go, the sooner you can proceed with kicking
Crawford in the head at your leisure." 

 Ray smiled for the first time, the rage momentarily channeled in a
different direction. The asshole killed three innocent people for drug
money and nearly killed him and his partner. A kick in the head was the
least he wanted to do to the guy. "Yeah, yeah, he needs a good stomping."
Reluctantly, Ray agreed, "Okay, okay, but I need to get some dry clothes
first. I'm freezing my ass off." 

 "We'll stop by your apartment and then go to the hospital." Surrendering,
Ray shrugged and headed to the driver's side of the car as Fraser
protested, "Ray, I should drive." 

 "Not if we want to get somewhere sometime today." 

 "Ray..." 

 "You want to come along, fine, but I'm not arguing about this. Get in the
car or catch a ride with one of the uniforms. Doesn't matter to me one way
or the other. Pick one." 

 "Have it your way." 

 "If I had it my way, I'd be the one with dry boots and no soggy
underwear." 

 Ignoring the bad humor, Fraser opened the door, pulling the seat forward
for Diefenbaker to climb in the back. Inside the car, Fraser turned and
spoke quietly. "I'm sorry you were injured, Ray. I assure you it wasn't my
intention." 

 Gripping the wheel with both hands, Ray met his eyes, his temper flaring
again. "I had the gun, Fraser, not you." 

 "But I had the wolf and the element of surprise." 

 "True, but you pushed me off a fucking roof into a lake in the middle of
winter without warning. No, 'take a deep breath', no, 'look out below',
not even a, 'so long, sucker'. I wasn't ready, Fraser. I could've busted
my head open, could've drowned, could've lost my fucking partner." 

 "I'm sorry." 

 "Yeah, yeah, okay, you said that. Let's just go before I turn into a
Popsicle." 

 "Getting chilled can, indeed, stress the immune system. We should get you
warm and dry as soon as possible." 

 Ray rolled his eyes and started the engine, wincing at the stabbing pain
in his arm. Fuck, it hurt worse than before, the seepage no longer
contained by the simple bandage. "I need something to soak this up. Look
in the glove compartment. Should be some paper towels." 

 "Perhaps the ER should be first on our itinerary." 

 "Just get me the towels and stop yakking. I don't want blood on the
floorboards." 

 Fraser hushed and handed him the towels, not the least bit happy with the
delay in treatment. Ray did a double wrap around his arm and then headed
out into traffic. They drove in silence to his apartment, Ray fuming and
wondering what the hell he had to do to get through to Fraser to make him
stop playing hero. As Ray got out, he held up a hand. "Stay here. I just
need to change." 

 "I'd rather come with you." 

 "Suit yourself, but no talking." 

 "Understood." 

 Fraser stepped quickly behind him as Ray headed up the stairs and into
his hallway. Suddenly faint, Ray grabbed the wall. Fraser moved to his
side and steadied him. "Ray, let's hurry." 

 "Yeah, yeah, good idea." 

 Once inside, Ray went to his bedroom and changed clothes as fast as he
could, hissing several times as he dragged on his fresh jeans and
sweatshirt. He rushed to put on dry socks and another pair of boots. Then
he stood up and found himself falling forward. Fraser caught him and moved
him safely to the edge of the bed. "Sit." 

 "I'm sitting." 

 "You could be going into shock." 

 "I didn't eat breakfast and missed lunch. Too busy chasing down assholes
with guns." Rubbing his eyes, Ray shook his head to clear his vision, but
found the world still blurred. He distracted himself with his own blood.
"Arm's leaking again. Help me out here. There's some gauze in the medicine
cabinet." 

 Fraser worked without speaking, moving quickly and efficiently. He got
the bandages and brought clean wash cloths and towels. He unwrapped the
wound, his face grim as he saw the depth and length of the laceration
clearly for the first time. He used two folded cloths as extra padding to
add pressure. Then he bandaged the wound once again. "It's worse than I
first thought." 

 "It's not that bad. I'll live." 

 "It's my fault, Ray." 

 "Look, you did what you thought was right at the time. Don't beat
yourself up about it. Just don't do it again." Swallowing hard, Ray took
his arm back from Fraser and held it to his chest to ease the pain. He
hated to admit it, but he felt like shit. "I think you should drive. I
feel woozy all of a sudden." 

 "Right you are then. Lean on me." 

 "I'm not that bad off." 

 "Ray, stop being obstinate. We're wasting time." 

 Ray shook his head as he stood up. "I'm not giving the neighbors any more
shit to gossip about. Just stand close in case I take a header down the
stairs." 

 Fraser stayed nearby, his face puzzled as Ray locked the door and headed
out. "Gossip, Ray?" 

 "Never mind. I take it back. Forget I said that." 

 "What exactly is the nature of the gossip to which you're referring?" 

 Ray didn't respond, just kept walking. He got to the car, unlocked his
side, and handed Fraser his keys. Once inside, he settled into the seat
and let his head fall back, his eyes closed. 

 "Ray?" 

 "Yeah?" 

 "You didn't answer my question." 

 "And I ain't gonna." 

 "May I ask why not?" 

 "Because I'm not in the mood. Give it a rest." 

 "Will you tell me later?" 

 Turning his head, opening only one eye, Ray smirked. "God, you're as bad
as Frannie, wanting to know what people say." 

 Fraser glanced over, his lips tight. "I most certainly am not." 

 "You like gossip, Fraser, admit it." 

 Fraser started the car and headed off to the hospital as he justified his
curiosity. "As an officer of the law, I've found it an effective practice
to keep the proverbial ear to the ground. Gossip can be laden with clues."


 "Not when it's about shit that's got nothing to do with the case. It's
just talk." 

 "People discuss a variety of topics. There's no way to know what will at
some later point become useful in an investigation." 

 "So you're saying gossip's a good thing?" 

 "I've found it to be occasionally valuable in the past." 

 "Like when?" 

 "Various cases." 

 "Here or in Canada?" 

 "Both." 

 Less dizzy, Ray sat up a little and shook his head at the other cars
whizzing by. He gave up a long time ago complaining about Fraser's lame
driving. The guy might be hell on ice with a dogsled, but in Chicago he
drove like shit. Maybe he could hook Dief to the hood and see if it made a
difference. 

 "Ray, why are you smiling?" 

 "No reason. You could go a little faster." 

 "I'm going the posted limits." 

 "Yeah, yeah, can't have a Mountie get a ticket when his partner's
bleeding to death in the car." 

 "Ray, you're not bleeding to death. You'll be fine." Fraser said it
softly, almost like a prayer, as he stepped on the gas and finally went
faster.  

 His arm still numb from the local, Ray slipped on his shirt and grabbed
his jacket. The nurse handed him his prescription. "You need to take the
antibiotic for the full course of ten days. You can go to your regular
doctor to have the stitches removed. Here's an instruction sheet about
dressing the wound and keeping it clean, along with a list of possible
complications and what to do. If the injection site swells, use an ice
pack. You might also use Tylenol or ibuprofen to relieve any discomfort." 

 "Why the antibiotic? It's not infected." 

 "You were in Lake Michigan, Detective. Any idea what's floating around
with all the dead fish?" 

 "Good point." 

 She left and he took a right turn out to the waiting room to pick up
Fraser. His partner stood up, relieved. "Ray, how are you?" 

 "I'm fine. Let's go." 

 Not satisfied, Fraser studied him and then persisted. "How many
stitches?" 

 "Thirty." 

 "Antibiotic?" 

 "Got to pick that up." 

 "Any restrictions?" 

 Ray handed him the paperwork as they walked together towards the door.
"Keep it clean." 

 They headed to the car and an anxious Diefenbaker. "Did you get the
tetanus shot?" 

 "Oh, yeah. Hurt like hell, too. Happy now?" 

 Fraser stopped in his tracks. "You think I take pleasure in your pain?" 

 Ray stalled and turned. "I didn't mean it like that." 

 "Then how did you mean it?" 

 "I just meant you're like a mother hen sometimes. Give it a rest. I'm
okay. It's just a cut." 

 "A very significant cut." 

 "But it's over. Let's go. I've got a perp to book and forms to finish." 

 "I'll type." 

 Ray grinned. "Yeah?" 

 "Yes. A hundred words a minute." 

 "Speedy fingers. I remember." 

 "It's just automatic muscle response, Ray, like playing the piano." 

 "Well, whatever it is, I dictate and you type." 

 "Work as a team, you mean?" 

 "Exactly." Ray motioned toward the car and the antsy wolf slobbering and
shedding all over his backseat. "Let's go. We've got a wolf who's worse at
waiting than I am." 

 "Indeed. He's got no patience whatsoever." 

 "Puts up with you." 

 "And you, Ray." 

 "True." 

 They got in the car and Fraser fastened his seat belt. "We should get
your prescription first." 

 "Naw, we'll pick it up later after Crawford is safely tucked away in the
tombs." 

 Ray drove to the exit and took off fast, fearlessly merging into traffic
while Fraser braced himself against the dash and passenger's door. "You
really should slow down, Ray. There's no reason to compound your injuries
by crashing." 

 "Except for driving into the lake that first day we met, you ever known
me to crash a car?" 

 "There's always a first time." 

 "I'm on this, Fraser. You want to track musk ox across the tundra, fine,
I'll listen. You want to drive around the streets of Chicago, I'm your
man. Now, tell me again, what did Crawford say on that rooftop?" 

 "As I told you before, there really wasn't much time between when you
fell and when Diefenbaker attacked and I subdued Crawford." 

 "I didn't fall, Fraser, I was pushed." 

 "Fall, pushed, semantics. The point is, that Crawford gave most of his
confession to you because he had no intention of letting you live long
enough to use it against him." 

 "He was shooting off his mouth, that's for sure." 

 "Because he was going to shoot you." 

 "Also true." 

 They both remained quiet a few moments before Ray finally broke the
silence. "I guess when I think about it, there really weren't a lot of
options short of us both getting shot." 

 "Mr. Crawford wasn't aware of my presence, Ray, thus the element of
surprise." 

 "He wasn't the only one surprised. You were supposed to stay off the roof
until it was safe." 

 "I couldn't risk it, Ray." 

 The hushed tone caught Ray's attention. He glanced sideways at Fraser and
noted the serious, almost grim expression. He knew that look, knew it all
too well from looking in the mirror after Fraser pulled one of his crazy
ass stunts time and time again. "Thought I was a goner, huh?" 

 "Very much so, yes." 

 "Yeah, yeah, I get that. Okay, here's the thing, I understand why you did
it. It was one of those spur of the moment, do what you've got to do sort
of things, but I still don't have to like it. I mean, turn it around.
You're up there, no gun, you push me off, and then it's you who's in
danger." 

 "Actually, Diefenbaker's presence increased the odds in my favor, Ray. I
had the advantage." 

 Diefenbaker licked Ray's ears to lend support to Fraser's argument. Ray
just gave up being pissed and eased into grateful to be alive. The scummy
taste of Lake Michigan still lingered in his mouth. It could've been a
hell of a lot worse. He could've drowned. He could've fallen on that metal
piling instead of slicing his arm open climbing out. Yeah, he should be
grateful, not mad. But the irritation still wouldn't go away completely.
"All I ask is that you try not to get killed on account of me, Fraser.
That's all I ask." 

 Fraser frowned and turned sideways in his seat. "If I'd been injured or
killed, Ray, it wouldn't be your fault." 

 "You were there because of me. I should've called for back up before we
went in. Welsh is going to rip my ass with good reason. It was stupid, a
rookie mistake. I got cocky and went in blind. I thought I could take him
on my own. I should've known he had that place staked out and he'd be
ready." 

 "I agree we should've called for immediate assistance, Ray, but I'm as
much to blame as you are. I also has access to the radio." 

 "So why didn't you call?" 

 "Because I was afraid that Crawford would add another victim to his list
of crimes." 

 "Me?" 

 "Yes, you, Ray. Throughout this case, Mr. Crawford has shown great
ingenuity in staying, as you put it, one step ahead. I couldn't take the
chance that he would succeed in evading capture by killing you like he
killed the others." Fraser swallowed hard and turned away, his face more
pale. "I just couldn't." 

 Ray let it drop for the moment. The whole thing about dying at the hands
of a scumbag like Crawford made his skin crawl, or maybe that was just the
slimy green stuff growing in the lake. He should've showered and washed
his hair. He still stank even with clean clothes. "Look, why don't we
forget about all that for now? We got the guy, that's all that matters." 

 "Not entirely. Your safety matters." 

 "And yours." 

 "Not as much." 

 "See, see, that's what gets me. You always fucking do this." 

 Confused, Fraser glanced his way. "I don't understand." 

 "You make like I'm more important than you are. I don't get that. Where's
that come from, that thing you do where you say shit like that?" 

 Turning red, Fraser stared out the side window. "You're important to me,
Ray. I can't help but feel that saving your life is more essential than
protecting my own." 

 "Say what?" 

 "I said..." 

 "I heard what you said." Ray wet his lower lip and thought about the
significance of Fraser's words. Still unconvinced, he persisted, "You
really believe that?" 

 "Yes, I do." 

 Ray sighed and shook his head in disbelief. "Damn." 

 "What?" 

 "Never mind. We'll talk about this tonight." 

 "Talk about what?" 

 "Later. I don't want to do this now." 

 "Do what?" 

 Instead of answering, Ray parked the car. "We're here." 

 "Here, Ray?" 

 "At the station. Let's book this guy and then go to my place. We'll get
something to eat and just talk." 

 "Just talk?" 

 "Just talk, Fraser. We got things to say, things to hear. Just talk." 

 Nodding, his face still slightly flushed, Fraser got out and followed him
inside. Ray smiled the whole time, thinking it was about fucking time he
got around to saying what he needed to say before he lost his nerve and
chickened out about telling the Mountie what he really wanted from his
Canadian better half.  

 "You got a death wish I should know about, Detective?" 

 Ray crossed his arms, hunched over, ready to take the chewing out he so
richly deserved. Never let it be said, Ray Kowalski couldn't take a good
verbal ass whipping when he had to. "No, sir. I got no death wish." 

 "You could've fooled me." Lt. Welsh looked down at his report and shook
his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and praying for more patience.
"So, why are you doing swan dives into Lake Michigan in December?" 

 "It wasn't exactly a swan dive, sir, not exactly. I went in feet first." 

 "Stop being a smart ass and answer the question." 

 "If I may, Lieutenant,..." 

 "No, you may not, Constable. I'll hear your version of the events
shortly. For now, I'd like my detective to explain to me why he didn't
follow standard procedure and once again put himself and his Canadian
partner in jeopardy." Welsh turned his attention fully back to Ray. "Now,
I'm sure there must be some reasonable explanation as to why you decided
that this hair-brained scheme was the best plan of action. I'm all ears,
Detective. Tell me a story." 

 "It all happened so fast." 

 "As these things often do." 

 "Yeah." Ray considered making excuses, but instead just kept his mouth
shut. 

 "Still waiting." 

 "I got no defense here, sir. I screwed up. I should've called for backup.
I put my partner's life at risk. It was stupid." 

 "You're damned right it was stupid, not to mention unprofessional. And it
wasn't just Constable Fraser's life at risk, Detective. Don't forget that.
If I have to go to any funerals, I don't want them to be for any of my own
people. Got that?" 

 "Yes, sir." 

 Welsh relaxed slightly and then sat down, leaning back, training his eyes
on Fraser. "Okay, Constable, your turn. I realize you're not officially on
the force, but you know regulations better than Vecchio here. What's your
excuse?" 

 Hat in hand, Fraser actually did sheepish better than any sheep Ray ever
saw. He half expected him to bleat and say baa. Hell, he already wore
wool. "I have no excuse, sir. Ray's near drowning and injury were entirely
my fault." 

 Before Ray jumped to Fraser's defense, Welsh held up his hand. "Quiet." 

 "Yes, sir." 

 "I'm not trying to assign blame here. You're both responsible for getting
Crawford off the streets. I've got no problem with that result. What I do
have a problem with is how you did it. I don't like it when my men take
too many unnecessary chances. It's not good for morale when an officer
gets shot or killed, or, in Vecchio's case, drowns. Get your act together
or get off the streets. Do I make myself clear?" 

 Ray swallowed hard and watched Fraser's face drain of color as they both
chimed in together. "Yes, sir." 

 "Good, now get out of my office. I want the paperwork for Crawford on my
desk and in triplicate before you leave. DA wants to arraign him first
thing tomorrow morning." 

 Ray walked to the door as Fraser turned to leave. Welsh added, "We won
this one by the mere hair on our chins, Gentlemen. Don't cut it that close
again." 

 Both Fraser and Ray nodded and then headed out to Ray's desk. Ray slumped
down, his muscles aching and his body still chilled. "It's cold in here." 

 "It's actually about twenty-two degrees Celsius, Ray." 

 "What's that in real temperature?" 

 "About sixty-eight on the Fahrenheit scale." 

 Ray shivered involuntarily, his arms wrapped around himself. "Still
cold." 

 "Would you like some coffee?" 

 "No, I'd like to get this stuff done. Crawford's in with his lawyer. I'm
thinking the DA might make a deal." 

 "On murder charges?" 

 "It happens." 

 Fraser sat down in the chair beside his desk. "I understand that, Ray,
but in this case that would be an affront to justice. This man
deliberately shot and killed a family, a mother and father and their
five-year-old daughter, just because they lived in the apartment where he
hid the illegal gains from his drug trafficking." 

 "I know that, you know that, but the lawyers, they don't seem to care
about shit like that. They just want the easiest case to push through the
system. It sucks, but there you go, speedy process or something." 

 "You've got the evidence and a confession, Ray. There have been many
cases much more difficult to prosecute." 

 "I'm not arguing." 

 Fraser paused, studying him closely. "You look tired. Are you sure you
wouldn't like some coffee? I'll get started on the paperwork while you
take a break." 

 "Sure, sure, okay. You start on the forms, I'll get us both something to
warm us up." 

 "I'm not thirsty." 

 "You sure? We've got some teabags around here somewhere." 

 "Since when?" 

 "Since I brought some in last week." 

 "Why, thank you, Ray. That was very thoughtful." 

 Ray stood up and shrugged. "It's not a big deal. They're just teabags and
they were on sale down at the Quik-Mart." 

 "Still, I appreciate your thoughtfulness." 

 "Yeah, yeah, that's me, thoughtful as hell. You take it plain, right?" 

 "Yes, thank you kindly." 

 "You're welcome. Now, don't let Frannie corner you while I'm gone." 

 Fraser got up and moved to a computer to start the case forms. "I believe
Francesca left the building early today." 

 "Yeah? You know where she went?" 

 "It's not my place to say, Ray. After all, I wouldn't want to be accused
of gossiping." 

 "Gossiping? You, Fraser? Never happen." Ray leaned in closer. "So, friend
to friend here, what's the lowdown, where'd she go?" 

 Fraser's resistance lasted only a few seconds. "Well, as you know, her
mother's birthday is this weekend. She wanted to make arrangements for
dinner out." 

 "Ma Vecchio's birthday? Damn. I forgot about that. I need to get her
something, too. She's been a peach about this whole undercover son thing,
treated me like her own. Not many people could do that." 

 Fraser talked while he typed, his fingers moving across the keys like
magic. "I took the liberty of sending her a card from the both of us with
tickets to a musical event." 

 "From both of us?" 

 Fraser didn't look up from his typing. "I hope you don't mind." 

 "No, I don't mind. How much do I owe you?" 

 "It's fine, Ray." 

 "No, I mean it. My name's on it, I pay half." 

 Fraser stopped working and looked up. "All right. The total cost was
$100, so your half would be..." 

 "I can do the math, Fraser. I'll get you the money tonight. My
checkbook's at my place." 

 "That'll be fine, Ray." Fraser resumed typing, filling in the blanks of
the form faster than Ray could read the lines. 

 "So, what are the tickets for? I figure if she asks, I should know what
they're for." 

 "It's a special benefit performance by the Chicago Choral Foundation for
the new children's wing at the hospital. All proceeds go directly to the
building fund." 

 Ray smiled and nodded approval. "She'll like that." 

 "Yes, she's very much involved with causes that help children." 

 "She's good people." 

 Fraser glanced up, still pecking the keys. "Yes, she is." 

 Stunned by the quiver in his belly at Fraser's radiant smile, Ray
blushed. "Guess I'll get the coffee and tea, then." 

 "Yes, Ray, you do that." 

 Heading into the break room, Ray stole a look over his shoulder and
shuddered. Nobody made him feel like that, nobody since Stella. He gulped
back his own fear and headed for the drinks, wondering how the hell Fraser
would react when he told him the truth later that night. Fraser might be
too damn polite to belt him one, but that didn't mean he couldn't break
his heart into a bunch of little, jagged pieces.  

 Ray sat at the table, tapping his fork to the beat of Stevie Ray Vaughn's
"Crossfire" while Fraser spooned their Chinese takeout onto real plates,
the plain, white ones, the ones left over from Stella. Ray figured if
Fraser got off on washing his dishes, why should he care? It just made
dinner a little more homey, something he didn't mind much, not when it
made his partner relax. Fraser put a plate piled with rice and sesame
chicken down in front of Ray. "Coffee?" 

 "No, I'll take a beer." 

 "You really shouldn't drink when you're taking antibiotics." 

 Ray snorted and got up, getting the beer himself. He made a show of
twisting off the cap and guzzling about half before he sat back down. He
put the bottle on the table with more force than he needed to and dared
Fraser to say another word, which didn't take long at all. "You realize
you're being childish and self-destructive when you do that." 

 "I'm not giving up beer because I swallowed a shit load of dirty water,
Fraser. Besides, a couple of beers can't hurt." 

 "But..." 

 "No buts. Leave it alone and eat your dinner." 

 Grudgingly, Fraser gave up and ate his meal, using his chopsticks to dig
in. Meanwhile, Ray finished his beer and moved the food around. He tried a
few bites, but then got up for another beer. His stomach uneasy, he leaned
back against the counter as he watched Fraser eat. "Hungry much?" 

 "Well, as you pointed out, we did miss lunch." Fraser glanced over at
Ray's full plate. "You really should eat more. This is very good." 

 "I'll save it for later." Ray took another swig of drink. "Want some more
tea?" 

 "Yes, thank you." 

 Ray poured Fraser's hot tea and then sat back down, holding the beer
bottle with both hands, peeling back the damp label with his thumbs. They
sat quietly together, while Fraser finished his meal. As he ate, Fraser
focused on his food, not looking up, not really paying much attention. 

 "Fraser?" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "You ever get homesick?" 

 Fraser looked up, startled by the question. He hesitated only a moment
before he wiped his mouth and then nodded. "Yes, often." 

 "Yeah? What do you miss?" 

 "Why do you ask?" 

 "Just curious." 

 Fraser got up and carried his plate to the sink. He stood by the counter,
his face almost sad. "I miss the smell of old pine and new snow, snow
filled with a vast freshness one doesn't get here in Chicago. And forests,
I miss the forests and the animals that fill up the great wilderness.
There are so many trees, Ray, you can't imagine without actually seeing
them in person. But I also miss the open expanse of the tundra. There are
places where you can go blind before you see the end of it. The stark
white can be almost painful at first, the cold extreme, but there's
something about it that draws me. Deep down, I know that's where I
belong." 

 "Sounds lonely." 

 "It's not, at least not most of the time." 

 "I figure that's probably because it's home. It's where you grew up. It's
what you're used to." 

 "Yes, that's quite likely the reason." Fraser paused and sat back down.
"Do you ever get homesick, Ray?" 

 "Me? Naw, I grew up in the city." 

 "That's not what I meant. Do you ever get homesick for your other life?" 

 Surprised by the question, Ray shrugged. "Yeah, sort of, I guess. More
namesick than homesick though. I miss being me, being able to live my own
life. It's tough pretending to be Vecchio all the time, especially when
I'm nothing like the guy. Yeah, I miss being Ray Kowalski. Sometimes it's
really hard to keep my head in the game." 

 Fraser swallowed hard, his eyes betraying his concern. "Do you regret
taking the assignment?" 

 Ray glanced up, saw the worried gaze and smiled reassurance. "No, no way.
Call me crazy, but working with you makes it okay. I'd have gone nuts by
now if I didn't have you hanging around to make things interesting." 

 "I make things interesting?" 

 "That's one word, yeah." 

 "What's another word?" 

 "Wildly dangerous, unhinged, freakish, surreal." 

 Fraser grinned, obviously pleased by the description. "That's more than
one word, Ray." 

 "Describing you and what you do with just one word can't be done,
Fraser." 

 Ray got up, stepped to the stereo, and switched it to his favorite soft
jazz station. Ray loved jazz, loved how the music spoke to his body, made
his head swimmy and more relaxed no matter how tense he got after a long
day on the streets. He could always dance to jazz, carry himself away from
things he tried not to think about, things like losing Stella and how he
fucked up more in his life than he ever wanted remember. 

 Suddenly more blue and more tired, he carried his beer to the sofa and
settled back while Fraser sat down on the other end, turned slightly
toward Ray. "What do you miss most about being Ray Kowalski?" 

 "What do I miss?" 

 "Yes." 

 Ray leaned back, his eyes closed as he thought about all the things he
could do differently if he didn't have to wear a mask. "I guess the main
difference would be my social life, the stuff like dating." 

 "Dating?" 

 Lifting his head, Ray sat back up and shifted to face Fraser. "Yeah, you
know where a guy asks someone out and he doesn't have to lie about who he
really is?" 

 "I can see how that would be a problem." 

 "Yeah, I mean, how can you get close to somebody, I mean get really
close, and be lying about who you are? What would you do if you went out
with someone, got close, and then found out that the person was a lie, a
total fake?" 

 "I think I'd understand once this person explained the situation." 

 "You would, huh?" 

 "Well, yes. It wouldn't be fair to penalize someone for doing a job that
protects the life of another." 

 "What if it were more complicated than that?" 

 "Complicated? How so?" 

 Ray sat up straighter, his gut knotted as he thought, take a deep breath,
ready or not. "You know why Stella and I broke up?" 

 Uncomfortable with the subject of Stella, Fraser stiffened slightly. "I
suppose, as you said, that there was a conflict in careers." 

 "Yeah, she had one, I didn't, or at least not one that counted in her
mind. She expected more out of life than being married to a Chicago
flatfoot. She didn't come right out and say that unless she got really
pissed, but that's what it was. She wanted more, a lot more. But that
wasn't the only reason." 

 Puzzled, Fraser rubbed his eyebrow. "What was the other reason?" 

 "First, you've got to know I never cheated on Stella." 

 "You don't have to tell me that, Ray. I've seen you with Stella. I can't
imagine a more faithful husband." 

 "But she cheated on me." 

 Fraser didn't look surprised, but sounded sympathetic. "I'm sorry." 

 "It broke my heart at the time, but it was partly my fault." 

 Fraser shook his head in disbelief. "I don't see how you could blame
yourself for your wife's infidelity, Ray." 

 "Yeah, well, she obviously needed something I couldn't give." Ray turned
and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. "I'm
not saying this right." 

 "Saying what, Ray?" 

 "What I need to say, what I want you to know." 

 "I don't understand." 

 "That's because I'm an idiot." Ray stood up and paced several times,
first from the kitchen to the living room and then back before he found
his voice again. "Look, the thing is, I gotta ask. This afternoon you said
something queer and I gotta know if you meant it." 

 "Queer?" 

 "You know unexpected, weird, odd." 

 "I know what queer means, Ray. I'm just not sure about the context of
your usage." 

 "Look, you said I was important to you, that my safety was more important
than yours, which, by the way, is stupid, but I'm not going to talk about
that right now. What I want to know is, what did you mean about me being
important to you?" 

 "Just what I said." 

 "But what about what you didn't say?" 

 Fraser met his gaze and blushed. "I'm not sure I know what you mean." 

 "Sure you do. You're not that green, Fraser, even if you play that game
with Frannie. You know what I'm saying here. How do you feel about me?" 

 "You're my best friend and partner." 

 "And?" 

 "And what?" 

 "What else?" 

 Fraser countered his question with one of his own. "What do my feelings
about you have to do with why you broke up with Stella?" 

 "They don't, not directly." 

 "But they do indirectly?" 

 Ray rubbed his forehead with one hand and then settled into the seat by
the sofa. "Look, Stella and I, we were married for fifteen years, not to
mention the six years we dated before that, but you already know that.
What I'm saying is, she knew me better than I knew myself. She knew what
turned me on, knew what to say, what to do, what not to do. The thing is,
I told her stuff I probably shouldn't have, stuff about things that I
wanted to try. She used that against me later on, said I was kidding
myself. I didn't believe her at the time, but now I can't deny that she
was probably right." 

 "I'm confused, Ray. What did you tell Stella that she could use against
you that has anything whatsoever to do with my feelings for you?" 

 "Actually, it probably has more to do with my feelings for you." 

 Fraser sat up even straighter, his eyes wide as he finally understood
Ray's full meaning. "Oh, dear." 

 Ray couldn't bear to look. "Is that a good 'oh, dear', or a bad 'oh,
dear'?" 

 "I'm afraid it's a surprised 'oh, dear'." 

 Still not risking a peek, Ray stood up again, his back to Fraser as he
ran a nervous hand through his hair. "See, as Kowalski, I could come right
out and say I care about you, want to have a thing with you, that I think
we could be good together. As Vecchio, it's more complicated. We're
partners on the job, good friends, guys who just hang out. See the
problem?" 

 "I think I'm beginning to, yes." Fraser paused and then added, "I need to
be clear. Are you saying you're attracted to me in a romantic way?" 

 "More than that, but that's part of it, yeah." Ray finally turned and
faced Fraser, his hands shaking. "I guess what I'm asking is, do you feel
the same way about me or am I reading it all wrong, 'cause you can say
that if it's true. You don't have to spare my feelings. It'll hurt like
hell, but I don't want to make it too tough for us to keep working
together, not if you don't feel the same way." 

 "Ray, you're blathering." 

 "I do that when I'm nervous, blather, ramble on, act like an idiot. You?"


 "I've been known to prattle on for hours, almost to the point of nervous
exhaustion." Fraser smiled and stood up, moving next to Ray, his hand
touching his shoulder. "You're not mistaken, Ray. I do have deep feelings
for you as well. I just didn't know how to approach the subject. As you
say, your assignment posing as Ray Vecchio complicates matters
considerably." 

 Relieved, Ray took a deep breath. "You like me, too?" 

 "I more than like you, Ray, much more." The words came out husky, nearly
raw. 

 "And you kept mum because I'm pretending to be Vecchio and you were
afraid it would interfere with the assignment?" 

 "Partly." 

 Ray nodded with awareness. "You were scared, too." 

 "Terrified." 

 "Terrified? Of me?" 

 "Not of you, but of what the admission would mean." 

 His throat dry, he saw fear, something he rarely saw in those blue eyes.
Ray took Fraser's hand in his and squeezed encouragement. "What does it
mean?" 

 "It means traveling a path that would be very difficult for both of us." 

 "You mean the whole guy on guy gay thing?" 

 "And the whole undercover thing, Ray. We could never let people know, not
while you're Vecchio." 

 "But I'm okay with that, Fraser. I can live with that if you feel the
same way. Just as long as I'm not alone in this. Unrequited love sucks." 

 Fraser chuckled. "Yes, it does, Ray. Very much so." 

 Ray cupped Fraser's cheek, touching that handsome face with serious
intent for the first time, so close to the man he'd longed for. Fraser's
breath hitched as he pressed his face harder into his partner's palm. Ray
struggled to keep his voice from shaking. "I want to kiss you, Fraser." 

 "Are you asking permission?" 

 "It only takes a few extra seconds to be courteous." 

 Fraser smiled, his lips thinner as he leaned in, his mouth touching Ray's
just barely, his tongue flicking out, teasing ever so slightly. "Let's
hope the kiss lasts a little longer than a few seconds." 

 "Oh, yeah, I'm all over that." 

 And he was, his mouth capturing Fraser's, exploring. His cock woke up,
twitching hallelujah, his whole body alive with the first taste of Fraser
on his tongue. Fraser's hand cupped the back of Ray's head as the kiss
deepened. Finally, pulling back to breathe, Ray whispered, "I need to sit
down." 

 Fraser moved with him to the sofa and once there, kissed him again with
even more passion. Ray moaned as Fraser's hands traveled south along his
chest and then across his belly while his mouth suddenly explored his
neck. Several minutes later, Ray whimpered as Fraser bit down on the side
of his throat, lightly nipping the flesh and then sucking the skin up
between his teeth. 

 Fraser lifted his head. "Ray, tell me to stop and I will. Otherwise, I'd
like very much to take your shirt off." 

 Swallowing hard, Ray sighed and sat up. "I don't think that's a good
idea, Fraser. We're just starting out. I can't do that and promise not to
take it further." 

 "What if I said I'd like very much to take it further as well?" 

 Ray looked into deep blue eyes, hungry eyes. "You serious?" 

 "I'm very serious, Ray. We're consenting adults. We've both confessed to
deep feelings. I believe the next logical step would be a sexual
relationship." 

 "Next logical step?" Ray shook his head and laughed before he grabbed
Fraser's face with both hands, his voice almost a growl. He relished the
coarse rub of whisker against his palms. "Logic's got nothing to do with
what I want to do with you right now." Then he kissed him harder than he
ever kissed Stella, pushing Fraser back against the cushions, devouring
his mouth. Fraser shoved back and returned every thrust, every shove with
equal ferocity. 

 "Ray, let's go to bed." 

 "Thought you'd never ask." 

 They both got up and moved quickly to the bedroom, Dief looking at them
like they were mad dogs. The wolf remained on the living room rug, head on
his paws and minded his own business. 

 Ray pulled off his shirt first, wincing at the unexpected reminder of his
injured arm. The pain didn't even slow him down as he stripped quickly and
took his boots and socks off. He sat on the edge of the bed naked as he
watched Fraser standing there watching him like he'd been starving for
ages. "No uniforms allowed here, Fraser." 

 "Right you are, Ray." Faster than Ray could imagine, Fraser took off his
boots and red serge, not even taking time to hang up the tunic to keep it
from wrinkling. He just draped it over the chair and then took a deep
breath before sitting down next to Ray. He ran a hand through Ray's blond
spikes. "You're so handsome, Ray. I've wanted to do this for so long." 

 "What? Touch my hair?" 

 "Among other things, yes." 

 Ray turned to him and pulled him closer, his right finger tracing down
along his jaw line. "You can touch anything you want, Fraser, anything." 

 "You can call me Ben, if you'd like." 

 "Ben?" 

 "It is my name." 

 "You get namesick, too, then?" 

 "Sometimes, yes, though I must admit you say Fraser beautifully." 

 Ray said the name slowly, his throat tight with nervousness. "Constable
Ben Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. It's got a nice ring to it." 

 "It's a little long for the throes of passion." 

 Ray chuckled and then stopped suddenly as his eyes focused on Fraser's
mouth. He whispered, "Ben." Then he kissed him slowly and deeply while Ben
came right back with his own version of kissing. Ray's hands ran along
Ben's arms and then his chest, his fingers teasing tight little nipples.
Ben moaned with the touches and his mouth worked even harder. 

 Pushing against him, Ben guided Ray to his back, stretching himself over
Ray, weighing him down. The whole time, Ben never stopped kissing him,
licking his face, sucking along his neck and shoulders. Resting cock to
cock, he shoved himself rhythmically against him. Ray's whole body hummed
with a new energy, a new brilliance. His thighs trembled as Ben pushed
them apart to kneel between them. With better leverage, he thrust harder,
more urgently, the whole time being sure to keep ravishing every part of
Ray he could reach with his mouth and hands. 

 Ray shook all over, his dick throbbing and happy, his balls drawing up as
he suddenly shuddered with coming. His mind reeled at the intensity, the
explosion of pleasure zapping all over his body. He grunted, his face
contorted as Ben jerked just as hard as he did. 

 Slick with sweat and his head swimming with the thick heat of Ben's
tongue still lapping away at his throat, Ray hooked the back of Ben's
neck. He massaged it lovingly, his body humming with delicious afterglow
and the tremendous relief that he didn't just dream the whole thing. "Love
you." 

 Licking stopped as Ben raised his head, his deep blue eyes meeting Ray's.
A ragged voice answered, "I love you, too, Ray, absolutely and
completely." 

 "Glad to hear it." 

 Sighing contentedly, Ben relaxed and rested his head on Ray's chest. "You
have no idea how long I've wanted to do this, to believe that my feelings
for you were, indeed, returned." 

 Enjoying the heat and weight of his lover's body, Ray wrapped his arms
around him and kissed the top of his head. "Why didn't you say something?"


 "Like I said, I was terrified that the feeling wasn't mutual. You've
never once given any indication that you might be open to a homosexual
relationship." 

 Ray stiffened and closed his eyes as he swallowed hard. Ben shifted and
lifted his head. "Ray, have I said something wrong?" 

 "No, I just have to get used to the idea." 

 "To the idea of being homosexual?" 

 "I don't consider myself gay, but I guess since I'm covered with a naked
Mountie, I might have to rethink that." 

 "The evidence would seem to suggest that, yes." 

 Ben shifted and moved to Ray's left side, allowing Ray to hold him. Ray
reached down and pulled up a sheet to cover them both. "Look, it's just
hard to think of myself that way. You know, the whole, you're a guy, I'm a
guy, we're both guys thing." 

 "I don't understand." 

 "That's because you're Canadian." 

 Ben frowned, but didn't pull away. "I don't understand what that has to
do with it." 

 "You're taught to be fair and open-minded." 

 "Yes, but being Canadian doesn't protect homosexuals from persecution,
Ray." 

 "Sorry to hear that. I was kind of hoping it was better where you come
from. Anyway, all I'm saying is, that even if I were able to be Ray
Kowalski, it'd be hard to be together openly, doable, but still not that
easy. As Vecchio, we can't chance anyone knowing about it. We've got to
keep a lid on it. All I'm saying is, it's going to be hard to do that." 

 "I understand that, but I'm still confused about your personal feelings
about entering a gay relationship." 

 "That makes two of us." 

 Ben shifted sideways, still frowning, but less mystified. "Have you ever
been with a man?" 

 "No." 

 "But you've wanted to?" 

 "Yeah, a few times. That's what I was talking about earlier. Stella knew
I wanted to do certain things. She said I was a closet case even before I
admitted it to myself. Then I met you and no matter how hard I tried to
avoid thinking about it, I couldn't deny that I really had a thing for
you." 

 "A thing?" 

 "A thing, you know, a thing. At first it was just the way you looked, the
way you wore that damn itchy, red Mountie suit like something off a
Christmas tree, but then it was more, much more. I got to know you and I
couldn't stop thinking about what it'd be like to be with you. But as long
as I was Vecchio, I didn't think I could risk it." 

 "Why did you?" 

 "Why did I what?" 

 "Why did you risk telling me?" 

 Ray sighed as he closed his eyes again, hugging Ben even closer. "You
pushed me off that rooftop today. You didn't give a shit that Crawford
could shoot you, too, because for you that didn't matter. I was so fucking
pissed, I couldn't see straight, and then I got to thinking, why the fuck
did he do that? Then in the car you said you cared about me and it hit me
that you might feel the same way about me that I did about you. I didn't
know if you'd admit it or not, but I had to find out, had to know."
Wetting his lower lip, Ray whispered, "I'm tired of being lonely, Ben, of
working with you all day long and not being able to touch you at night." 

 "I'm tired of being alone as well, Ray. I was fearful that any desire I
had for more than friendship was just wishful thinking." 

 "You don't know wishful thinking until you've walked around inside my
head the last month or two. Damn near burned out every brain cell, zap,
sizzle, burnt to a crisp, thinking about what I could do with a Mountie
out of uniform." 

 Ben's smile tickled Ray's side. "My own thoughts have been rather heated
as well." 

 "Then I guess it's a good thing one of us decided to come clean." 

 "Indeed. Speaking of clean, perhaps we should freshen up a little as
well." 

 "Love's messy, Ben. Get used to it." 

 "It doesn't have to be, Ray. We can simply take better care in the future
to have cloths and wipes handy for a convenient clean up after our tryst."


 Instead of complaining about Ben being a neat freak, Ray opened his eyes
and stared at the ceiling. "You've done this sort of thing before then?" 

 "Do you mean, have I had other lovers?" 

 "Yeah." 

 "A few, yes." 

 "I know about Victoria. How many others?" 

 "Ray, I don't think it's appropriate to discuss past assignations,
especially in the bed of one's new partner." 

 "You're right, you're right. That was a stupid question. I take it back.
Besides, it doesn't matter." 

 A brief silence passed. "Does it bother you, the idea of me with other
people?" 

 "To be honest, yeah, but I know it shouldn't. We're not kids, not by a
long shot. Besides, from the way things went down tonight, you being with
other guys before works in my favor." 

 "How so?" 

 Ray snorted. "You knew what you were doing." 

 "Thank you kindly." Ben teased a finger along the middle of Ray's chest.
"Did it bother you at all that I took charge of the love-making?" 

 "No, I liked it, liked it a lot. I got no problem with you on top or
doing whatever else you want to do. I told you before, I'll try anything."


 "And you mean that, anything?" 

 "Well, as long as you don't pull out the power tools and let Dief in on
the action, yeah, pretty much." 

 Ben nearly choked with laughter, dropping his forehead against Ray's
chest. "Power tools?" 

 "And no Dief, yeah." 

 Ben lifted his head, his eyes full of hunger and a sliver of mischief.
"Diefenbaker's going to be seriously disappointed. He thinks you're very
attractive for a human male." 

 "That why he's always trying to make intimate with my ears?" 

 "Possibly." 

 Ray combed his fingers through the dark wavy hair, smiling at Ben's
amusement. "So, you think that's funny, me being worried about Dief?" 

 "Not at all." 

 "Then what's the joke?" 

 "There's no joke. It's just that the images one can conjure with the
simple prompt of power tools coupled with thinking about you, well, it
boggles the imagination, Ray." 

 "Boggles, huh?" 

 "Oh, yes." 

 "Come closer and I'll boggle you some more." 

 "Is that what they call it here in the States, Ray, boggles?" 

 Ray answered the question with a thorough kiss and then proceeded to
boggle Ben like he'd never been boggled before.  

 The third trip to the can to puke his guts out and dry heave until he
dropped to his knees and nearly passed out convinced Ray he might actually
be sick. Still wobbly, he made it back to his desk and rested his head on
the pile of folders he never got around to filing. Surely the whole world
couldn't spin forever. 

 "Detective, go home." 

 Ray didn't even open his eyes. "I'm okay, sir." 

 "You're scaring the perps, Vecchio. Go to the doctor and then go home.
That's not a request." 

 Remaining absolutely still, Ray didn't want to admit he might not be able
to drive on his own. Welsh solved the problem. "I called Constable Fraser.
He's on his way over." 

 "You didn't have to do that, Lieutenant." 

 Welsh stepped closer to his desk. "You didn't have to go swimming in Lake
Michigan, but you did. You think this episode has anything to do with
that?" 

 "God, I hope not." 

 A hand patted his shoulder in sympathy. "You look green, Ray. Stay put.
The Mountie will be here shortly." 

 "Thanks, sir." 

 "Don't mention it. Just don't be sick in the squad room. The place stinks
bad enough as it is." 

 "Yes, sir." 

 Welsh went back in his office and Ray didn't move, just kept his eyes
squeezed shut and prayed for Fraser to hurry. As he waited, he thought
back to the night before and the glory that was his partner, his delicious
touches, his warm kisses, the smooth weight pressing against Ray's skin.
The image made him a little less queasy, but didn't save him from the
rocky sway of the world as he tried damn hard not to puke again. 

 Fraser's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Ray, what's wrong? Lt. Welsh
said you were ill." 

 "Sick as a dog." 

 Fraser's hand on his forehead surprised him and he jerked back, even more
dizzy. "What?" 

 "It's all right, Ray. Just checking for a fever, which you do, in fact,
have." 

 "I have a fever?" 

 "Yes, you need to be examined." 

 Ray closed his eyes, not even well enough to protest. "I feel bad, Ben,
really bad, like somebody's kicking me in the head and stomach just for
the hell of it." 

 "Do you have a rash or any other symptoms of an allergic reaction to the
antibiotic?" 

 "Nothing like that. I've taken this stuff before and didn't feel anything
like this. This, this is like that flu I got a few years back when I
didn't get the flu shot that one time." 

 "This could be the flu, but after yesterday, I fear it might be more
serious than that. Did you swallow much water during your time in the Lake
they call Michigan?" 

 "A whole bellyful. You pushed me when I wasn't ready, remember?" 

 "Oh, dear." 

 "What's that supposed to mean, oh, dear?" 

 "It means, I'm afraid you might have picked up a bacterial infection from
the polluted water. There are other possibilities, but we won't know for
certain until you've been examined by a skilled medical professional." 

 "Fuck." 

 "Ray?" 

 Suddenly frantic, Ray held his hand to his mouth and ran to the can for
another bout of retch and heave ho.  

 Ray lay under the covers on the sofa, not quite as dizzy as before. He
listened as Ben puttered around in his kitchen, boiling water, making tea
and coffee. Just knowing Fraser even bothered to be there made him feel
better. "Ben?" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "I appreciate this." 

 "You're more than welcome, Ray. It's not a hardship to care for you when
you're ill, especially as it seems I'm partly responsible." 

 "It's not your fault the lake's a polluted dumpsite." 

 "Still, it was never my intention to further endanger your life. I called
the Consulate and explained the situation. Inspector Thatcher was
surprisingly agreeable to my taking a few days off." 

 "Getting on her nerves again, huh?" 

 "So it would seem." 

 "What? You didn't pick up the Ice Queen's dry cleaning again?" 

 Ben stepped back into the living room and sat on the chair beside the
sofa. He held his hands together, using that patient, detached, way too
reasonable voice that made Ray want to sock him sometimes. "Inspector
Thatcher is my superior officer, Ray. She has the right to assign my
duties as she sees fit." 

 "She's a pain in the ass." 

 "Now, Ray..." 

 "I mean it. She's rude and bossy and she hates my guts." 

 "You're exaggerating. I'm sure she doesn't hate you." 

 Ray rested a hand over his eyes and kept talking, thankful for feeling up
to fussing. "Come on, Ben. She looks down her nose at everybody,
especially me and Turnbull. You, well, you she just wants to fuck." 

 Ben sat suddenly straighter, shocked. "Ray? Do you really believe that?" 

 "I've seen the way she looks at you. I know that look. Trust me on this,
she wants to jump your bones. She knows she can't, so she makes you her
errand boy and treats you like shit. It's a head trip, a power play.
Believe me, I know women like Thatcher up close and personal." 

 "I think the medications have gone to your head, Ray. You've completely
misjudged the situation." 

 "I have, huh?" 

 "Inspector Thatcher has no designs whatsoever on my bones." 

 "You're blind if you believe that. Besides, didn't you tell me that you
two kissed on top of a hijacked train once?" 

 "But that was simply a reaction to adrenalin, Ray. She and I had been
prisoners and we'd escaped following a masterful team effort." 

 "You saying you were just caught up in the heat of the moment?" 

 "Exactly." 

 "You really believe that? You don't think it was always there, that
whole, he's good looking, she's good looking, we're both Canadian thing?"
When Fraser didn't answer, Ray moved his arm from his face and checked out
his partner. "Ben?" 

 "I suppose I never really thought about it in that context before." 

 Ray's gut knotted again. "So you were attracted to her? It wasn't just
her sniffing around, huh?" 

 "Not entirely, no." 

 "But it's over now, right?" 

 Fraser leaned in, his hand on Ray's shoulder for reassurance.
"Absolutely." 

 "Which brings me back to the whole point. She hates my ass and she's
still pissed about not getting some of yours." 

 "But why would she hate you?" 

 Ray shook his head and shut his eyes again. "Because I'm the one you
spend the most time with. Doesn't matter that I'm still playing Vecchio or
that she doesn't know we're together. She still resents the fact that push
comes to shove, she knows you'll choose me over her any day of the week." 

 Ben nodded reluctantly. "That would explain certain negative comments." 

 "About me?" 

 "I'm afraid so, yes." 

 "Bitch." 

 "Now, Ray." 

 "I'm serious, Ben. I don't like her, or the way she treats you, or the
way she acts likes she's the fucking Queen of Sheba, or in her case the
Ice Queen of Toronto. She's like a dirty old man in spiked heels." 

 "I had no idea you harbored such hostility toward the Inspector." 

 "Okay, okay, so I'm sorry. Must be the pills. I usually keep shit like
that to myself." 

 "You really are delusional if you believe that." 

 "Yeah, yeah, maybe. Hey, is it cold in here or is it just me?" 

 "It's the fever, Ray." Ben got up and poured the coffee and added some
chocolate candies, the kind that Ray preferred. He returned from the
kitchen. "Sit up. Let's see if you can keep this down. You need plenty of
liquid." 

 Ray let Ben help him sit up, too weak and shaky to do it on his own.
Sweat plastered his hair to his head and he trembled as he wrapped the
blanket up around his shoulders and neck. "God, I feel awful." 

 "I know, but the medicine should help relieve your distress and the worst
of the symptoms should pass over the next 48 hours." 

 Groaning at the thought of feeling miserable for two whole days, Ray took
the coffee mug with both hands. Normally, he'd take a moment and enjoy the
aroma, admire Fraser's skill at making damn good coffee. Instead, he just
prayed not to puke on the rug. He only took a few sips and put it on the
coffee table. 

 "You don't like it?" 

 "It's not the coffee. Everything tastes funny." 

 "That's probably the effect of your medications." 

 "Or a gallon of stinky lake scum." 

 "What about some water or flat ginger ale? Dehydration only intensifies
the symptoms." 

 "What about pineapple juice?" 

 "It's too acidic. You won't be able to keep it down." 

 "Beer?" 

 "Ray..." 

 "Okay, okay, give me the ginger ale, but leave the bubbles." 

 "The carbonation can lead to more gastric distress." 

 "No bubbles?" 

 "No bubbles." 

 Grudgingly, Ray nodded. "Okay, but this sucks." Another wave of dizziness
hit him and Ray slumped back against the cushion, riding the wave.
"Jesus." 

 After a few moments, a cool hand touched his forehead and he opened his
eyes. "Drink this. Then I'll turn down the bed. You need to rest as much
as possible over the next few days." 

 Hand still shaky, Ray managed to drink about half of the ginger ale
before handing it back to Ben. He wiped his mouth and then closed his eyes
again as he slumped down sideways on the sofa. "You don't have to do that,
Ben. I'll just sleep out here." 

 "You might rest easier in your own bed." 

 "I'm fine here." Ray nuzzled his face into the pillow like a small boy,
his voice suddenly sleepy. "Don't want to move." 

 "Then just rest, Ray. I'll be right here." 

 "Right there?" 

 "Yes." 

 "No leaving?" 

 "I'm not leaving, Ray. Now rest." 

 Ray took a deep breath, suddenly drowsy and strangely happy, glad that
despite feeling like shit, he still had Ben to be there no matter what
last name he was using.  

 Ray plunged through the air, screaming his partner's name and wanting to
kill the son of a bitch who pushed him. His arms and legs flailed through
open space, useless. Then an icy impact snatched away all chance of
breathing, swallowing him up into a deep, never ending terror. A sharp
pain slapped Ray awake suddenly, his heart beating a million miles a
minute. "Shit." He lifted his achy head from the drool-covered pillow and
rubbed his face with one hand, trying like hell to figure out where the
fuck he was. 

 "Ray, you're all right." 

 "What the fuck happened?" 

 "You were dreaming." 

 "Not falling?" 

 "No, you're safe." 

 Warm arms held him and he closed his eyes to take several deep breaths,
his lungs still working overtime. "Jesus. It was so real. I was falling
and then I couldn't breathe and then, never mind." He shuddered in Ben's
embrace. 

 Hands combed through his hair followed by a light kiss to his forehead.
"Relax." 

 "I hate water, Ben, hate it. Scared to death of it." 

 Ben nodded. "I know. I'm sorry." 

 Pulling the blanket over him, Ray didn't leave Ben's arms, but settled in
better, finally orienting himself, not lost in the swirl of ugly dreams.
"I thought I was over that." 

 "I thought so, too." 

 "I tried to take lessons, even signed up after we got back from the Henry
Whatsit." 

 "Henry Allen." 

 Ray smiled at his partner's automatic correction. "Yeah, the Henry
Allen." 

 "Swimming lessons?" 

 "Yeah, but I couldn't do it. I hate the water." 

 Ben squeezed gently. "Why is that, Ray? You never said." 

 "I'm afraid of drowning." 

 "A reasonable fear, Ray, but learning how to swim can actually prevent
that from happening." 

 "Not always. Sometimes you can be the best swimmer on the team and you
can still drown. Hell, give me a fast bullet to the head any day." 

 "What team?" 

 "Huh?" 

 "You said one can be the best swimmer on the team and still drown. To
what team are you referring?" 

 "I wasn't." 

 "I think you were." 

 Suddenly pissed, but too tired to argue, Ray sat up and moved to the
nearby chair, dragging the covers with him. "I don't want to talk about
this." Rubbing his eyes with the heel of his right hand, Ray shook off his
sleepiness. "It's dark. What time is it?" 

 "It's after eight." 

 "At night?" 

 "You needed to rest. Are you feeling any better?" 

 "Some. I don't feel like puking right this second, but I still feel like
someone dropped a ton of bricks on my head. It's like I got gritty shit in
my brain or something." 

 Dief got up from the rug and padded over, pushing his nose against Ray's
leg. Ray ruffled his fur playfully. "Hey, buddy. Ben take you out or you
been stuck in here all day?" 

 "He's been out once earlier. I should probably take him for a run while
you're feeling better." 

 "Good idea." Dief settled on the carpet, keeping a close watch on both
men before resting his head back on his paws. 

 "Ray?" 

 "Yeah?" 

 "I didn't mean to pry." 

 Fuck. Ray sighed, knowing no matter what he said, it would only delay the
inevitable. Falling in love with a stubborn Mountie definitely had it's
drawbacks. "Yeah, I know. Just leave it alone, Ben. It's not something I
talk about." 

 "Understood. However..." 

 "However, you still want to talk about it." 

 "Eventually. I think if we're going to be intimate, it involves more than
just sleeping together." 

 A sock to the jaw would've hurt less. "You think that's all you mean to
me, a dick in the sack?" 

 "That's not what I meant at all." 

 "Sounded like it." 

 "I just meant that sharing our history is part of being together." 

 Ray crossed his arms, still resistant, still shaking at the creepy memory
of something he long ago pushed away. "I can't. Not right now. Maybe
later." 

 "Right you are then. Why don't I fix you something to drink, coffee or
some tea perhaps?" 

 "Coffee? Sure. Sounds good." As Ben got up, Ray caught his wrist. "It's
not you, Ben. It's me. It's tough to talk about even when I'm not too sick
to see straight." 

 Ben patted his head and then wrapped his own hand around Ray's. "It's all
right, Ray. I understand. You can talk about it whenever you're ready." 

 "Might be a while." 

 "I'm not planning to go anywhere." 

 Grateful, Ray relaxed. "As long as it takes, huh?" 

 "As long as it takes, Ray."  

 Ray kept pressing the tiny buttons, channel surfing, finding little of
interest to watch despite having tons of cable. He turned off the set and
tossed the remote on the table. "There's nothing on." 

 "Ray, there are at least sixty movies, twelve sport channels, and a
myriad of other stations to choose from." 

 "Like I said, there's nothing on." 

 Ben smiled and pursed his lips, keeping his comment about Ray's gnat-like
attention span to himself. Instead, he folded over the edge of the
newspaper and picked up a pen to do the crossword. He filled in the first
two lines without even blinking. 

 Ray shook his head. "You do the crossword in ink?" 

 "Of course." 

 "You don't ever screw up?" 

 "Sometimes." 

 "How often?" 

 "About once a year." 

 Ray snorted and chuckled, then held his stomach. "Ow, don't make me
laugh." 

 "What's so funny?" 

 "Once a year? You screw up on a crossword once a year? Who the hell is
that smart?" 

 Ben frowned, looking down at his paper and then back at Ray, slightly
defensive. "It's not really about intelligence, Ray. It's more about
having an extensive vocabulary and processing certain clues. I find it
relaxing." 

 Ray shook his head. "They drive me crazy." 

 "You never do them." 

 "Used to, but I stopped. Didn't see the point of driving myself nuts over
a bunch of words nobody ever heard of." 

 "Does it bother you that I do them?" 

 "Nope." 

 "Are you sure? I confess you seem a little annoyed." 

 Ray shook his head and then moved over on the sofa to sit beside Ben,
snuggling in close. He loved the contact, the freedom to actually touch
and drink in the heat of his partner's body, no more hiding his feelings.
"Not annoyed. Bored. I hate being sick. Besides, it's good that one of us
has brains and knows a lot of big words." 

 "You've got brains, Ray." 

 "Yeah, but not like you, Fraser. We think different." 

 Ben put the paper and pen down before turning to wrap his arms around Ray
and draw him closer. "Instinct and logic, I know. But they do seem to
complement one another." 

 "Black and white, yin and yang, you set'em up, I knock'em down." 

 "Something like that, yes." 

 "Works for me." 

 "For me as well. We make an excellent team, Ray." 

 "We're more than a team these days." 

 "Yes, we are." 

 "So what are we?" 

 Ben glanced over, confused. "What do you mean, what are we?" 

 "I mean, are we a couple, a real couple now?" Ray couldn't meet his eyes
as he rested his head against his shoulder. Even to himself, he sounded
needy. Ray hated that about himself. He'd been the same way with Stella
and look how that ended up. Still, he had to know, had to have it out loud
and in the open, what Ben might be thinking, what he was hoping. He had to
know if Ben felt the same way he did about being a couple. "I don't want
to assume anything, expect more than you want to give." 

 "I want to give everything." 

 "Everything?" 

 "Yes. Ray, what's wrong? Do you think I'm not committed to the
relationship in some way?" 

 Ray turned and met Ben's gaze. "I just need you to say it. It's just this
weird thing I have, this crazy thing I have. I have to hear stuff to
believe it and sometimes even then I don't always believe it." 

 "I love you, Ray, and I don't think it's crazy to ask for what you need.
You do, indeed, have a cynical and rather untrusting nature. However,
that's part of your charm." 

 "Charm? I've got charm?" 

 "Tons of charm, Ray. One just has to break through the armor of your
rough exterior to see it, but I assure you, it's there just under the
surface." 

 "I'm many things, Ben, but charming ain't really something anybody's ever
said about me." 

 "Then they were blind, Ray. Or perhaps they didn't look hard enough." 

 "Most didn't bother to look past the weird look and the smart mouth." 

 "Personally, I find the reward quite worth the effort." 

 "Yeah?" 

 Ben squeezed him and then leaned in, kissing him briefly, his words
breathy. "Don't ever doubt that I consider us a couple, Ray. We are
together for as long as you'll have me." 

 "Forever sounds good." 

 "Forever it is then."	

 "I used to dream about it." 

 Ben glanced up from his book on modern Canadian artworks and looked over
at Ray lying on the sofa. "About what?" 

 "Drowning." 

 Closing the book, Ben put it on the side table and leaned forward, his
elbows on his knees. "When did that start?" 

 "Ever since I was little. I've always been afraid of going underwater,
which is weird, because I was a pretty fearless little shit about
everything else. Climb a tree, crawl through pipes and tunnels, it was all
a big adventure. I really didn't get that scared until after the bank
thing, all except for water." 

 "Do you suppose it's possible you nearly drowned as a child and repressed
the memory?" 

 "I think it was something else, something really bad that happened." 

 "Do you know what that event might have been?" 

 "I know exactly what the event might have been. My cousin Jimmy drowned
at my uncle's place the summer when I was six." 

 "I'm sorry, Ray." 

 "Yeah, well, it was a long time ago and I should be over it, but I just
can't ever seem to get past it, not completely, not so it doesn't keep
coming up every time I have another close call. My mom even took me to the
doctor once because I wouldn't sleep and when I did, I'd wake up screaming
the house down. They gave me sleeping pills for a while, but that never
really helped. I still woke up choking and screaming." 

 Ben frowned. "Were you with your cousin when he drowned?" 

 "Yeah." 

 "Then it's only natural that you'd be traumatized by the experience." 

 "Maybe, but my dad kept getting pissed about it. Said I needed to grow
up, that shit happens, deal with it. He thought my mom was too soft." 

 "Not to disrespect your father, Ray, but that's a bit harsh. You were
just a child." 

 "Anyway, that's probably why I still have this thing about drowning." 

 "I should think so. The Henry Allen must have been a nightmare come
true." 

 "Yeah, it was." 

 "You dealt with it quite admirably." 

 Ray pushed himself into a sitting position and snorted. "You didn't see
me at night after that. Took months to calm down enough to sleep worth
shit. I kept dreaming about being cuffed to the floor, the water rising,
only you never showed up, never saved my ass with the buddy breathing
thing." Ray shuddered uncontrollably and wrapped his arms around himself.
"Just thinking about it, shit, it's just too much." 

 Ben moved to sit beside him and hugged him closer. "I'm sorry, Ray. I
never realized just how difficult it was for you." 

 "Well, that's why I really hate the water. Just thought you should know."


 "I appreciate it." Ben paused before he pushed for more. "How exactly did
your cousin drown?" 

 Still tense, Ray closed his eyes, working hard not to shake, not to
relive the horrible moment of being dragged underwater. "Jimmy was a lot
older than me, fourteen, but he didn't mind me tagging along. He was an
only child, so I figure I was sort of like the younger brother he never
had." 

 "And he was like the older brother you never had." 

 "Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Anyway, he was a great guy, and a great swimmer.
He was even on the swim team at school. Talked about diving at the
Olympics, and he was good, too, or at least to my six-year-old eyes he was
good." 

 "I'm sure he was." 

 "There was this quarry near my uncle's farm. Uncle David told us not to
go near it, to stay away because it was too dangerous, but Jimmy, he liked
to dive from the overhang, said it was the only place deep enough to
practice." Ray took a breath and shifted in even closer to Ben, his eyes
still squeezed shut. "It was summer, hot, very hot, and we sneaked off to
the quarry, just me and Jimmy. I was still scared of water even though he
kept trying to teach me to swim. Anytime I went under, I'd panic. He
figured the best way to get over that was to just jump in." 

 "Oh, Ray..." 

 "I know, stupid, but that's what he believed. He double dog dared me and
said if I'd do it, that he'd give me his starter glove." 

 "Starter glove?" 

 "Baseball glove. It was his first glove and it fit me. He let me use it
when we played catch. He offered to give it to me for keeps if I'd try to
swim." The words choked. "So I did. I jumped in, feet first, but I lost
it, just started flapping around and I couldn't breathe, thought I was
going to die. Jimmy dived in, but he hit his head or something, broke his
neck. I remember the sound, this loud crack underwater. It scared me so
bad, I didn't know what the fuck to do. Luckily, I was close enough to the
edge, I could touch bottom and managed to get out, but it was too late for
Jimmy. I didn't understand that he was dead at the time. I just knew he
didn't get out, just floated there, face down, not moving. I started
crying. I couldn't jump in to get him and I was afraid to run back to the
farm to get my uncle. I knew he'd be pissed about us being there after he
told us not to come and I couldn't just leave Jimmy alone. So I just sat
there. I think I kind of lost it." 

 "Lost it?" 

 "I couldn't move, like I was stuck there on the rocks. My mind just sort
of gave out, bam, bam, like I couldn't believe it, like I couldn't take it
in, like it wasn't real. I remember thinking if I stayed still long
enough, maybe Jimmy would start swimming again, like maybe he was just
goofing around, like it was all a big joke. I know, it was crazy, but I
remember thinking that stuff like it was real." 

 "You were in shock, Ray. It's not an uncommon reaction, especially for a
child." 

 "Yeah, maybe." Suddenly very tired, Ray rested his head against Ben's
chest and relaxed into the safety of his lover's arms. "They found me
there. I wouldn't talk much. Just yes and no and then the dreams started.
They wouldn't let me go to the funeral and we never talked about it after
that. I never went to my Uncle David's farm again, either." 

 "Did you ever see your uncle again?" 

 "Yeah, when he came to our place, but he never really talked to me. I
can't say I blame him. I avoided him, too. It was just too hard." 

 Ben sighed and pulled him closer. "I wish you'd told me all this before."


 "What? That I'm a big baby when it comes to water? It's not something I
talk about." 

 "I appreciate you talking about it now, Ray. It obviously isn't easy." 

 Ray palmed his hand over Ben's heart. "Well, like you said, intimate's
not just sleeping together, and you're right. If we're going to be
together, you need to know shit like this." Clearing his throat, making
his voice a bit lighter, Ray teased. "Hell, if nothing else, maybe this
will make you think twice before you push me off some shitty rooftop
anytime soon." 

 "I promise to do it only as a last resort." 

 "But you'd do it?" 

 "To save your life? Absolutely." 

 Ray weighed that answer and the conviction behind it. "Okay, okay, that's
fair. Same favor though. We get in a bind, you might be the one taking a
nosedive off the roof next time." 

 "As long as it's warranted by the situation, I see no problem with that
scenario, Ray." 

 "Good, that's settled." Ray closed his eyes again and just stayed there,
relieved that telling the story about Jimmy didn't hurt quite as much as
he expected. "Ben?" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "You ever have something like that happen, something really bad that you
don't like to talk about?" 

 Ben stiffened slightly, but still held on to Ray. "A few things, yes.
Losing my mother for one, my relationship with Victoria for another." 

 "You never talk about your mom. You remember how she died?" 

 "I never knew precisely how she died. I just know that once she was gone,
my life changed irrevocably. My father took me to his parents and then
left me. I hardly knew them and they knew nothing about me, but there they
were with a grieving boy to raise all alone." 

 "He just left you there?" 

 "Yes. At the time, I thought he blamed me, held me responsible for my
mother's death." 

 Ray sat up, staring. "You're kidding. You believed that?" 

 Ben didn't meet his gaze, his voice suddenly hoarse. "Children often
think they're responsible for everything that happens. My mother died, my
father left me, therefore, it must be my fault." 

 "Kid think." 

 "Right you are, Ray. Kid think. I believed it and suffered in silence,
feeling I deserved his rejection. At any rate, my grandparents were much
older and weren't prepared for raising a young boy. Still, they took me
in. It was so very different from being with my mother, and I found it
difficult at first to adjust. My grandfather in particular thought I was
just being headstrong, and in retrospect, perhaps I was. I wanted my life
back. I wanted my mother." 

 Ray caressed his face, wiping away the one tear. "Of course you did, Ben.
Everybody wants their mum." 

 Ben captured his hand and held it against his face, his words wet as he
spoke quietly. "My mother loved to sing and did so often. I would wake to
her singing and go to bed at night with her lullabies. She had a glorious
voice, Ray. Even now, I often close my eyes and remember it fondly. Unlike
my grandparents and father, she also had a great deal of patience for my
many questions. She loved teaching me and explaining the world around us.
We'd go for long walks and along the way, she'd point out the splendors of
the wilderness, made me appreciate my place in the natural world, made me
feel special and at times even brilliant. She wasn't shy about showing she
loved me and hugged and kissed me a great deal. All that changed with her
death. My grandparents didn't believe in spoiling children with lavish
praise or unnecessary displays of affection." 

 "Spoiling? They thought hugs and kisses and telling a kid he did good was
spoiling? That sucks." 

 "It was how they raised me, Ray, to distance myself from others, to make
logic and intellect the prize rather than to lose myself to runaway
emotions." 

 "Which explains Victoria." 

 Startled, Ben met his eyes. "What?" 

 "Well, you were starved, Ben, literally. It only makes sense that some
pretty lady offers to show you love, or at least pretends to, and you'd
fall for it. Who wouldn't? Hell, I fell for Stella so hard, my neck still
aches." 

 "Your neck?" 

 "From looking up for so long. I had her on a pedestal so high, I couldn't
see the real Stella. I only saw this pretty, smart girl who didn't call me
stupid or make fun of the skinny kid with glasses. She liked me, thought I
was a hero, and that was it for me, the whole shebang. Nothing else
mattered. It was the same with this Victoria woman. She got you when you
needed propping up the most." 

 Ben studied his face, his blue eyes suddenly more clear, and then he
smiled. "You're quite right, Ray. I was, indeed, quite starved for
affection and apparently Victoria recognized that fact early on and used
it against me." 

 "Bitch stomped your heart good, almost as much as Stella stomped mine.
She just didn't wait fifteen goddamn years to do it." 

 "How do you know so much about Victoria, Ray?" 

 "It's in the files. I read it pretty close because it stood out." 

 "Stood out? In what way?" 

 "It was so out of character from everything else Vecchio wrote about you.
So I read between the lines and figured, bitch played the Mountie big
time. Then I read about the bullet in the back and thought, whoa, what's
that about?" Ray put his head against Ben's shoulder. "What was it about,
Ben? Did Vecchio really shoot you by mistake?" 

 "I'm sure he did, Ray. He thought he saw her pointing a gun, though she
was unarmed at the time. If he hadn't done it, I would have gone with her.
I would have willingly betrayed every oath or loyalty to Ray, to the
service, to everything I believed to be decent and good. In a way, Ray did
me a favor." 

 "I figured." 

 "You figured?" 

 "Yeah, pretty much. You're the type of guy, you fall, you fall hard.
Doesn't matter that she was a hardcore murderer and thief. You loved her."


 "To this day I don't know why, but you're right. I did love her." 

 Ray swallowed hard, dreading the next question. "What about now? What if
she came back into your life?" 

 "I'd do everything in my power to see that she was arrested for her
crimes. I'd also do what I could to help in her defense." 

 "You still love her?" 

 Ben hesitated, but answered truthfully. "Yes, Ray, but I love you more,
always will. I hope you believe that." 

 "I do, but you'd help her after all she did, all the shit she caused?" 

 "Yes." 

 "Not everybody would do that, Ben, not everybody would understand." 

 "Do you understand?" 

 "Yeah, I think do. It's kind of unhinged, but I get it. I'd do the same
thing for Stella." 

 "Stella never killed a man or tried to frame you." 

 "No, but if she did, it still wouldn't matter. I'd do what I could to
help her. We might not be married anymore, but we're still connected. What
I'm saying is, I get it." 

 "Then that's all that matters." 

 Ray snuggled in closer. "How the hell did we get from Jimmy to your mom
to Victoria?" 

 "We were discussing our fears." 

 "Right. Let's talk about something else. This is depressing." 

 "But it's good we're sharing our histories, Ray." 

 "Yeah, yeah, but I'd still rather talk about something else." He sneaked
his hand in between the buttons of Ben's Henley, his fingers teasing the
smooth skin. 

 Looking down at Ray's roving hand, Ben smiled with amusement. "You're
feeling much better, I take it?" 

 "Can't you tell?" 

 Ben closed his eyes, his breath hitching suddenly as Ray discovered a
nipple. "Oh, yes, indeed." 

 "Good, let's hit the sack." 

 Ben didn't argue as he stood and pulled Ray to his feet, his eyes
hungrier than Ray had ever imagined.  

 "You can go back to work at the Consulate today if you want." 

 Ben turned from the sink of dirty dishes as he dried his hands on the
dish towel over his shoulder. "You want me to go back to work?" 

 Sitting at the table, Ray put down his coffee mug. "I'm feeling better.
You don't have to stick around all day and baby sit. I'll probably go back
in this afternoon to check out some paperwork and start back tomorrow
fulltime." 

 "That's too soon, Ray. The doctor said you should take the rest of the
week off even if you started to feel better." 

 Ray scoffed and sat back. "Doctors always say that shit. I feel fine,
well almost fine. Good enough to go back as long as I don't have to kick
any heads in." 

 "I've already told the Inspector and Turnbull not to expect me back until
Monday." 

 "Monday?" 

 "Yes. I wanted to give you ample time to recover." 

 "That's four days away. You expected me to be sick that long?" 

 "Not really, no." Ben turned back to the sink to finish the dishes, his
shoulders slumped and his tone gloomy. 

 Getting up from the table, Ray walked over to stand closer. "So why the
extra time off? You never take leave." 

 Several moments later, Ben whispered guiltily, still not meeting Ray's
gaze. "I wanted to have time for just the two of us." 

 "Just us?" 

 "Yes." 

 Ray smiled and nodded approvingly before moving in behind Ben and
wrapping his arms around his middle. "I like the way you think." 

 Relaxing, Ben stopped pretending to wash plates and turned to face him.
"I want you to stay home." 

 "To rest?" 

 "Not exactly." 

 Ray grinned, brushing his lips playfully against Ben's. "What do you have
in mind then?" Wet hands grabbed Ray's face as Ben captured his mouth, his
tongue shoving its way in, exploring. Breathless, Ray pulled back and
laughed. "Oh, yeah, I'm all over that." 

 Ben wrapped his arms around Ray's neck and drew him closer, their
foreheads together. "I'm selfish, Ray. I want you to myself just a bit
longer." 

 "I've got no problem with that. I'll call Welsh later on and tell him
I'll be back on Monday, doctor's orders." 

 Relaxing, Ben kissed him again and then licked his neck. "You taste
delightful." 

 "Delightful?" 

 "Very." 

 Ray's cock woke up and got cheerful. "Why don't we take this to the
bedroom?" 

 "You just took a shower and got dressed." 

 "You turning me down?" 

 "Not at all." 

 "Then stop talking and start moving." 

 Ben did just that, his eyes dark with desire as he allowed Ray to lead
him to bed. Once there, Ray sat down, leaning back on his elbows. "Strip."


 "Strip?" 

 "Yeah, take it off. Get rid of the boots and jeans and all the stuff that
covers up the good stuff." 

 Ben nodded as he unbuttoned his flannel shirt quickly and Ray protested.
"Slower." 

 "Slower?" 

 "Yeah, take your time, do it slow, put on a show." 

 "Should we have music?" 

 Ray snorted. "If you want, but I just want to see it. See what's mine." 

 Ben flushed that lovely pink color. "Right you are, Ray. Slow it is." At
a much more leisurely pace, Ben took off his clothes, never looking away
from Ray's shameless gaze. 

 Breathing more labored, Ray unzipped, his erection grateful. He watched
the deliberate disrobing, the smooth skin, the strong muscles, the firm
ass and hard dick revealed just for him. Ray licked his lips and reached
out a hand. "C'mere." 

 Standing at the foot of the bed, Ben shook his head. "Your turn." 

 "My turn?" 

 "Yes. I want to see you naked as well." 

 Ray took a deep breath, his throat suddenly dry. "You do it. Take off my
clothes." 

 "With pleasure." 

 Powerful hands moved in, tugged off his shirt, slipped off his boots and
socks, and then eased down his jeans and briefs. Ben stroked Ray's inner
thighs lovingly as he kneeled between his spread legs on the bed. His
fingers brushed over Ray's light brown bush and lingered. "You're
beautiful, Ray, so golden." 

 Ray palmed Ben's chest. "I'm hairy, not like you. You're smooth. I like
that." 

 "As I like you." Ben shifted and then dipped his head, his tongue
dragging up along Ray's middle, taking great pleasure in licking and
teasing his nipples. 

 Ray groaned, the heat flaming all through his body as Ben's busy tongue
and hands found all the right spots, the places that made him quiver and
lose himself in the moment. As Ben's mouth suckled Ray's throat, they lay
chest to chest, dick to dick. Ben thrust with a gentle rhythm, letting the
pressure build between them, their bodies both slick with sweat. 

 Moaning with need, Ray worked his own mouth to taste Ben, to lick the
salty cheek and chin, to run his tongue over any skin he could reach. 

 Ben slowed and lifted his head, his eyes blazing with pleasure. His words
came out breathy and raw. "I love you." 

 Caressing Ben's cheek, Ray pleaded with a smile, "I love you, too, but
don't stop now or I'll have to kill you." 

 Ben laughed out loud and then took several deep breaths. "I'm not
stopping, Ray, but if I do something that you don't like, you have to tell
me to stop." 

 "Don't stop." 

 Ben chuckled again and then kissed Ray's chin feverishly. "If you
insist." 

 "I insist, I insist. Get back to it." 

 Sliding down his body, Ben's mouth had no mercy, sucking and licking,
making sure every part got his full attention along the way. As Ben
shifted further down between his legs, he lifted Ray's calves to rest on
his shoulders as he barely tasted the tip of his lover's leaking cock. 

 Ray thrust several times, needy, wanting more than just a few nips.
"Please, Ben, stop teasing. Suck me hard like you did last night." 

 Smiling wickedly, Ben whispered, "Be patient, Ray." 

 "Fuck patient, Ben. This is not the fucking time to be patient. Let me
come first and then I'll be as patient as you want. Promise." 

 Using his mouth, Ben licked along the underside of Ray's cock, but then
skimmed even lower with his tongue, using his thumbs to pull the cheeks
apart to get to his main target. Ray jerked and whimpered, his hands
twisting the sheets. Ray's whole body shuddered as the heat sizzled
through him. Ben's whiskers pushed against tender skin as his tongue
fucked Ray's ass even deeper while his hand stroked Ray's cock into a
twitching frenzy. Within seconds, Ray jerked upward and shoved toward
Ben's face, his body no longer under control as the release hit him,
flooded him with intense pleasure. He trembled and shivered with Ben still
licking and working him, his breathing ragged. Another spasm struck out of
nowhere, flashes spiking behind his closed eyelids, a swarm of heat
buzzing his body. 

 By the time Ben moved to lie beside him, Ray found air again, but just
barely. "Jesus, Ben, what the fuck was that?" 

 "Did you like it?" 

 "Fuck, yeah." 

 Ben pulled him closer and rested against Ray's chest, the dark, damp
curls plastered against his forehead. "My pleasure." 

 "Seriously, what was that?" 

 "I believe it's called anilingus." 

 "Aniwhat? 

 "Anilingus, but it's also referred to as rimming." 

 "Rimming, huh? And you like that? You don't mind putting your tongue in
my ass?" 

 Ben smiled, his voice dreamy. "I love how you taste, Ray. There's no part
of you I don't want to know." 

 "You're a freak, you know that?" 

 "Your freak." 

 "Oh, yeah, completely." Ray cupped the back of Ben's head, the hair still
wet against his skin. "Give me a minute and I'll do you." 

 "Do me?" 

 "Yeah, you know, return the favor." 

 Ben lifted his head, his face serious. "I don't expect you to do that,
Ray. I know you're a bit squeamish about such things." 

 "Yeah, well, I don't lick boots in the morgue or sniff hubcaps, but I
figure if you lick my ass, I can lick yours, too, right?" 

 "You'd do that?" 

 "Look, if I don't like doing it, then I won't. I'll suck you off, or fuck
you, or do whatever you want me to do. I don't want you to think you're
stuck with all the tough stuff." 

 "Nothing I do to give you pleasure is ever tough, Ray." 

 "Then it's settled. Give me a minute to catch my breath and I'll give
this whole rimming thing a shot." 

 Ben shuddered in his arms and Ray drew him closer. "You okay?" 

 "Yes, Ray, I just never expected you to be so open about this." 

 "About what?" 

 "About being with a man." 

 Ray snorted and kissed his temple. "I told you before, Ben, I'll try
anything. If I don't like it, sometimes I try it again, just to make sure
I didn't miss something good the first time. Besides, if I want you to
keep doing that to me, which I most definitely do, then it's only fair to
do the whole tit for tat thing." 

 "And you don't think it'll bother you?" 

 "Ask me again after I've actually tried it." 

 Ben moved to lie closer, his cock still hard, his body trembling with
anticipation. "You think you'll be ready soon?" 

 Ray chuckled and squeezed, his own erection just beginning to take
interest again. "Be patient." 

 Groaning, Ben repeated Ray's earlier protest. "Fuck patient." 

 "And we could do that, too." 

 Ben's eyes got even darker as he smiled. "You want to?" 

 "If you want to. I could save my tongue heading into uncharted
territories for later and go with the more direct route, pounding my
Mountie like there's no tomorrow." 

 "Oh, yes, Ray, I'd like that. Very much." 

 Ray's voice deepened. "Yeah, I know. You like when I fuck you." 

 A breathy yes was all Ben could muster. 

 Rolling himself over, Ben's body stretched out face down as Ray ran a
grateful hand all along his spine and then cupped Ben's round ass. The
uncontrolled shudder pleased him, let him know how much Ben really wanted
him to do this. "Up on your knees." 

 Following orders, Ben did just that, moving to make a tripod of his body,
his head resting forward on his folded arms, kneeling with his legs spread
and his ass high. Once again Ray stroked Ben's ass, delighted to see the
trembling, the delicious expectation. He reached between his partner's
legs and fondled Ben's balls and then stroked his cock. Ben rewarded him
with a deep groan and near pitiful begging. "Please, Ray." 

 Smiling, Ray opened the drawer beside the bed and got the KY. He slicked
and used his index finger to ease into Ben's tight hole. Ben's deep
whimpers made his own cock start leaking. "Hold on, Ben. I want this to be
good." 

 "Just hurry." 

 "So much for patience." 

 Ben just squeezed his eyes shut and wiggled his ass as Ray teased his
hole a few more times. Then he wiped off the slick stuff and got the
condom. He rolled it on and then kneeled behind his lover, leaning
forward, draping his body over Ben's back. He kissed the nape of Ben's
neck, biting just a little. Using one hand to steady Ben's hips, he used
the other to guide his dick where he needed it to go, to push into the
hot, narrow passage. 

 Ben suddenly shoved back, impatient. Ray grunted in surprise, but took
only seconds to recover. Impaled completely, the roar took over, the
desire to fuck overwhelming. He pulled back and then rammed in again, over
and over, fucking and reaching around to capture Ben's dick. He matched
the rhythm of hand strokes with his own thrusts. Ben worked with him to
make each movement count, to make it all good. Ray yelled Ben's name as he
pushed in that one last time, climaxing as his partner spurted and jerked
beneath him. Nothing reached his lungs for a long time, his heart racing
as he fell forward on a collapsed Mountie. 

 Gulping for air, Ray lifted his head, kissing the side of Ben's neck.
"You okay?" 

 "Dear Lord." 

 "Guess so." 

 Ray pulled out carefully, threw away the condom, and then pulled up the
sheets to cover their cooling flesh. Ben stayed face down, his body
stretched out as Ray pulled him into his arms. "Seriously, Ben, are you
okay? You're awfully quiet." 

 Ben didn't answer right away and he kept his eyes closed when he finally
controlled his voice enough to answer. "I love you." 

 "I know that. I love you, too. So why are you so upset?" 

 "I'm not upset." 

 "Could've fooled me. Most people don't cry after they get off." 

 "I'm sorry." 

 Ray reached over and wiped away the tear. "Don't be. Just tell me what's
wrong." 

 "Nothing. Nothing at all." 

 "Did I hurt you? I mean, both times we've done it, you've cried." 

 Swallowing hard, Ben rolled in closer, wrapping his arms around Ray's
chest. His cheek rested against Ray's bare skin, his whiskers tickling as
he spoke in a hush. "You didn't hurt me, Ray. Far from it." 

 "Then why the waterworks? I have to tell you, it's freaking me out a
little." 

 "It's just been so long, Ray. I'm not usually so emotional, but you move
me." 

 "I move you?" 

 "Yes, your love, your care. You move me." 

 "And that's why you're crying, because I move you?" 

 "Yes. I'm sorry. I'll try to control it." 

 Ray petted back Ben's dark curls, his lungs a little tighter, his vision
just a little blurred. "No, don't. It's fine, it's okay, it's no problem.
You feel like bawling because you're happy, that's fine with me. You don't
need to hide anything from me, Ben." 

 "I know." 

 Ray sighed and closed his eyes, relaxing even more as he embraced his
lover, his partner, the man of his dreams. "Ben?" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 Ray swallowed several times before he finally whispered, "You move me,
too, okay? It's just I don't cry when I'm happy, never have. That's not
saying I don't feel it, too. I don't want you to think you're alone in
this being moved thing, because you're not. You move me in ways I've never
been moved, and I'm not just talking about the sex stuff." 

 Shifting, Ben turned to face him, his voice soft. "I know that, Ray." 

 "Yeah?" 

 Ben took Ray's hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the palm and
then holding it over his heart. "Ray Vecchio, Ray Kowalski, it doesn't
matter what name you go by. You're the only person who suits me
completely." 

 "I suit you, huh?" 

 "Absolutely." 

 Leaning forward, Ray kissed him, his lips pressed hard against Ben's and
his tongue eager. Pulling back, he whispered, "Benton Fraser, meet Ray
Kowalski, the one and only." 

 Eyes twinkling, Ben chuckled. "Nice to meet you, Ray." 

 "You bet your ass." 

 "Now, Ray, you know I don't gamble." 

 "Count your lucky stars, Ben. A sure thing makes us both winners." 

 Ben ran a lazy tongue up the side of Ray's throat. "Does that make you my
grand prize, Ray?" 

 Ray didn't bother to answer, just sank back against the pillows and let
Ben collect his winnings. 

 ***************The End 

End Namesick by Grey: Grey853@aol.com

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