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      	  B: In Sickness 
 by Dee Gilles	

 Disclaimer: No money made from this venture.

 

 Benny & Ray 58 In Sickness Dee Gilles Rated PG

 Benny says I should keep a journal; write down how I'm feeling through
all this. Why do that? I know how I'm feeling; it's no big mystery. I feel
lousy. Physically and mentally. 

 I'm lying here in a tube, shot full of radioactive gallium. And I feel
lousy today. I've had so many medical tests lately that I feel like it's
all I've ever done. I feel like I've given this hospital gallons of my
body fluid. How much more did they have to check? Just give me the drugs
already.

 I have cancer. I'm going to die. Benny tells me I shouldn't say such
things, or think that way, but how can I not? I have cancer. Why is this
my life, God? 

 Dr. Taddeo tells me this test will stage my cancer. I'm in a PET scan
machine. It's warm and dark in here, kind of restful, really. The
technician is in another room behind a window. Is this safe for me?
Shouldn't I be behind a window, too? Is this going to make me radioactive?


 My eyelids are getting heavy; I didn't sleep much last night. Neither did
Benny. I could hear him puking in the bathroom, in the middle of the
night. He came back to bed after a few minutes. I asked him if he were
alright, and he said very curtly that yes, he was fine. He had turned his
back to me, and curled on his side. The next morning, his eyes were puffy
and bloodshot.

 As hard as it was going to be on me, it was going to be hard on Benny,
too. When Dr. Chapman told me I had cancer, I had turned to Benny,
thinking I wasn't hearing him right. He didn't just tell me I had cancer,
did he? How could that be? Ben was white as a ghost. He had looked at me
with such helplessness that I almost pitied him.

 He was eerily quiet on the drive from the doctor's office to the house. I
knew he had gone to his dark place. Benny had his moods. Not too often,
but every once in a while, he just....goes away, checks out. If I didn't
know him like I did, I'd be scared to death of him at times like that.
Well, maybe I was anyway, a little.

 Benny drove us back to the house in my car. Ma sobbed in the back seat,
which set me off, too. The two of us bawled our eyes out on the way home.

 By the time she got home, Ma had whipped herself and me into a frenzy. We
were both crying even harder as the reality sunk in. Benny silently helped
us both out of the car. Frannie had been waiting for at the house, knowing
I'd have the results when we got back. She came running to the door as
soon as we got in. She screamed and began to cry before I could even get
the words out. She threw her arms around my neck, and I told her I had
cancer. Ma and Fran both clung to me. 

 Maria had come to the door to see what all the screaming was about. Benny
told her, which set Maria off. Maria ran upstairs and told Tony. Tony came
downstairs cursing. Ma got weak in the knees and had to be helped to the
couch before she fainted. The place was in complete pandemonium. Except
for Benny. He was silent as a stone.

 Lying here in the machine, I close my eyes and try not to think of
yesterday, but I can't help myself. It just keeps playing over and over in
my head like a horror movie I can't get out of my mind.

 Dr. Chapman had personally walked us to Dr. Taddeo's office. Because she
was a hematologist that specialized in oncology, she was going to keep my
case. Dr. Taddeo gave me the full name of what I have: Diffuse Large
B-Cell Lymphoma.It was a pretty aggressive type, she told me, and as soon
as the staging tests were completed, she was going to start me on chemo.
She had them do a CT scan on my neck to look at my swollen right lymph
node again. She was concerned that it was going to get so big that it was
going to press on my windpipe and interfere with my breathing, so she
wanted to shrink it quickly with some radiation.

 Benny asked her a ton of questions about everything, and I mean
everything. Ma, too. I couldn't keep up. For a while there, it sounded
like they were talking Greek. Immunophenotyping, immunodefiencies,
lymphoproliferative disorders, follicular lymphomas. Yeah, right. Just
give me the drugs to make me better, will ya?

 I asked Dr. Taddeo to just explain to me in English what was happening to
me. She told me that my B-cells basically had gone crazy (my words) and
were forming clusters of tumors, cells just growing out of control,
instead of regular cells that lived and died. They didn't know what caused
this cancer.

 Benny asked her where she had trained and studied. She answered so easily
that I could tell that she got asked that all the time. She was a very
young-looking person. She looked like she coulda barely been out of high
school. It was hard to believe she'd completed med school. She did a
pretty good job of not sounding offended when she answered. 

 Dr. Taddeo went to Harvard Med School and did a residency at the
Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston. Then she worked at the Mayo Clinic
for two years before coming back home to Chicago. She promised to take
good care of me, and I believed her.

 **

 The technician shook me. My eyes snapped open.

 "Raymond," he said, "You're all done."

 I sat up, blinking. "Sorry I fell asleep on ya."

 "No problem. Happens all the time. Sit tight. One of the orderlies is
going to come and take you up to the lab for a bone marrow sample now."

 "How do they do that?"

 "They insert a needle into your hipbone."

 "Is that going to hurt?"

 "Probably."

 "Oh."

 Ma came with me, and held my hand. It wasn't painful, but it felt weird.
One of the nurses scrubbed my right hip down with antiseptic, and shot me
full of lidocaine. After a few minutes, Dr. Taddeo came in with the needle
(which I refused to look at) and inserted it. I felt the pressure, and I
felt a pulling sensation down my leg. It was a gross feeling. I squeezed
Ma's hand, and she squeezed back. She rubbed my forehead. She used to do
that to me when I was a little kid. It felt nice.

 Ma helped me get dressed after the procedure. Then we headed out to the
waiting room, looking for Benny.

 VVVVVV

 Saturday afternoon. Benny and I had decided to spend the weekend at the
house. Ma was cooking an early supper, pasta fagioli....mmmm! We had
watched a couple of old movies on the VCR. Benny picked them out. "Some
Like It Hot" (couldn't help but think of "Miss Fraser" when we watched
this) and "Duck Soup". Hey, those old black and white movies weren't that
bad once you got used to them. They were both pretty funny. Raphy, Donny,
Maria and Tony joined us for "Some Like It Hot", and Ma joined us for
"Duck Soup" after she got the food on. Ma loves Groucho Marx. She laughed
through the whole thing. It was good to hear my Ma laugh again. 

 "Benny's girl" Marissa had fallen asleep in his arms, having climbed up
on his lap halfway through "Duck Soup" and Benny had cradled and kissed
her. Raphy sat next to his Uncle Benny, squeezing in, just wanting to be
close to him, too. Maria got up and took a picture of Benny with her two
children.

 God. This was the kind of stuff I'd miss if I was gone. What is this
dying stuff? I can't leave here. Not now. Benny and I have a life
together. A good life. One better than I thought I could ever have.

 Looking at Benny and Marissa and Raphy together at that moment, I saw the
future for me and Benny, sitting in our own house, with our own children.
Ben looked up from gazing at the sleeping baby and caught my eye. We
locked eyes, and I glanced at the baby, and met his eyes again. He smiled
at me, understanding what I meant. 

 My brother Paul called me last night. Fran had called him and given him
the news. He told me he wanted to be there for my first chemo; as a
pharmacist, he knew all about that stuff. He wanted to talk to Dr. Taddeo
about what she was going to put me on and see how I did on it. He told me
if need be, he'd stay, as long as necessary. He'd moved if he had to, find
a job out here. It'd be nice if he would anyway. I miss having my brother
in my life on a regular basis.

 Paul and I had a nice long talk. About not just the cancer and chemo, but
everything. He wanted to know about Benny and me and how we were doing. We
talked about 9-11 and Valerie. He wanted to know about Ma and Maria, and
Fran. We talked about Pop and what he had done to us, which was something
we NEVER talked about as adults. 

 We ended up talking until midnight. At the end, he told me he loved me.
Don't know if he'd ever said that to me before. I told him I loved him
back. It felt a little weird to be talking to my brother that way. But
after I hung up, I decided that was stupid. That was Pop talking. I can
just hear him now: A man never tells another man he loves him! That's for
queers. Yeah, yeah, Pop, get over it. Oh yeah, and for the record, I AM a
queer.

 After I got off the phone with Paul, Ben came to bed. He had been off on
his own in the study for the duration of the call. He had been reading in
his text books, trying to catch up from all the classes he missed. 

 I put my arms around him and started kissing him once he got settled in.
He wasn't really getting into it. He had on those stupid red long johns
that I hate so much, mostly because they're a pain in the ass to get off
of him. I started to undo the buttons, but he pulled away, rebuttoning
them.

 "What's wrong?" I asked.

 "We shouldn't," he replied.

 "Why not?"

 "Because you're sick."

 I sighed. "Benny, I have cancer; my dick's not broken. We can still, you
know, do it. Don't you want to? Or do I turn you off now?"

 "Oh Ray! No! I want to make love but ..."

 "But what?"

 "I...I...I don't know."

 I pulled back from Benny, and just looked at him, appraising. I don't
know what was up with him, he just seemed `off'. I'd expected Benny to
come around and spring back to his usual Pollyanna self by now.

 "Is there something bothering you, babe, that you want to talk about?" I
asked.

 Benny quickly shook his head. "I'm fine, Ray. Don't worry about me. We
need to worry about you."

 "I think we should worry about the two of us. I mean, we're partners,
aren't we, Benny? In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and all
that stuff?"

 Benny did his best to put on a smile, eyes tearing and spilling over his
cheek. 

 "Don't cry, babe. We're going to be okay. Comere. Mmmm." I crushed him to
me in a bear hug. "Hey...let's do it, all right? You'll feel better...." I
kissed that luscious mouth of his, over and over and after a minute, he
finally responded to me. The sweet kiss just went on and on. Finally, I
pulled away. "And I'll feel better, too," I continued, grinning. I went
back to kissing him again, climbing on top of him. 

 I kissed him until we were both hard, moaning into each other's mouth. I
started unbuttoning all those red buttons again. And this time, he let me.

 VVVVVV

 The door buzzer was sounding loudly when I awakened. It was an ugly way
to wake up on a Sunday morning. I sat up slowly in the empty bed.

 Benny answered the door, and I heard Margarita Gamez practically shout,
"Good morning, Benton! Nice to see you again. How have you been?"

 I heard the voice of Micky Doyle too, greeting Benny, and even...Lt.
Welsh?

 I slipped on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and grabbed some
socks--Benny's-- from the night before. I shuffled out to the living room.

 Yeah, it was Welsh alright. His voice had sounded so soft and subdued it
hadn't sounded like him at first. He spoke softly to Benny, hand on
shoulder. And there was Micky, and Marg, and a tall kid, standing behind
Marg, who carried a huge bunch of balloons. "Mario?" I asked in complete
disbelief. The last time I saw him was when Marg first started working at
the station, and that had to be at least two years ago. It looked like the
kid had shot up about a foot since then.

 "What's up?" he said, in that shy, uncomfortable way that teens got
around adults.

 "'Sup," I replied, and gave him a street kind of shake, trying to keep
things casual.

 "Micky," I said. "Hey, man. Lieu."

 "How ya doin' kid?" the Lieu asked. "Hangin' in there?"

 I shrugged with one shoulder. "I'm all right, I guess."

 Marg took the balloons from Mario and handed them to me. "These are for
you." There were a bunch of shiny `get well' balloons and lots of latex
ones in every color. It was cool; I always liked balloons. 

 "Thanks," I said. "That was real nice of you, guys." Pearson, having
heard the voices, had already come out to investigate. The balloons had a
weight tied to all the ribbons and I had walked them over to our dining
room table let them settle there. She jumped up on the table and
immediately started pulling at the ribbons with her teeth.

 "Pearson!" Benny snapped. "Down! You know better." Benny was completely
dressed, in navy blue slacks, a blue Oxford shirt and polished black
leather dress shoes, which meant he was planning on going to mass. She
immediately jumped down, and managed to look sad and pitiful, like Benny
just hit her or something. She whined, to get the full effect.

 Mario walked over and patted her head, and she perked right up, sniffing,
then licking his hand. What a con artist.

 Benny and Micky moved into the kitchen by themselves, and I could hear
their low voices, no doubt talking about me.

 "Look," Lt. Welsh said. "We didn't mean to impose, but we just wanted to
stop by and wish you well." The Lieu gave me a pat on the shoulder. "Give
me a call when you know more. When are you seeing the doctor?"

 "Tomorrow afternoon."

 "Good. Good."

 I invited them to sit down, and Marg and her son and the lieutenant sat
on the couch. I sat across from them in our recliner. We shot the breeze
for a while. I don't think any of us were all that comfortable with this.
It was a weird situation.

 I talked to Mario for a few minutes, asked him what his plans held, and
he told me he was applying to colleges in the south for next year, wanted
to play basketball for the A.C.C, maybe Duke or Carolina, or Georgia Tech
or Clemson. 

 "You that good?" I asked.

 Marg answered for her son. "Oh, he's pretty good, alright. And, he's got
the grades to get into those schools. We're praying for a scholarship,"
she said hopefully, looking at her son. "That's the only way."

 "Wow. Best of luck to ya, man," I said to Mario.

 "Thanks," he muttered, barely looking at me, but pride shining through.

 Benny and Micky walked back into the room. Welsh stood.

 "Listen, why don't you take a few days off until things shake out? I've
already got H.R. looking into your disability benefits. We can get someone
in temporarily if need be, to help Mick out."

 "Awww, Lieu, I told you. I can handle things while Ray's out." Micky
complained.

 "I don't want any of my men working without a partner."

 "Huh? What about me, Lieu?" I asked. "I worked without a partner for
years and you didn't care."

 "It wasn't for lack of caring, Vecchio; I just couldn't find anybody to
put up with your shenanigans." But Lt. Welsh smiled at me, slapping me on
the shoulder.

 Marg and Mario stood too. Marg held out her arms and I gave her a hug.
She grabbed and held on tight for a long moment. When she pulled back, her
eyes were filled with tears. She turned and left the apartment without
another word, hand over mouth.

 Geez...way to make a guy feel like he's dying here.

 Mario and I slapped hands again, Micky gave me hug, and the Lieu gave me
a fatherly pat on the back again. 

 "Take it easy, Ray," Micky said. "Is it okay if I come by in a few days?"

 "Sure it is, Mick." That Micky Doyle is a hell of a partner. 

 They took off, and the door closed quietly behind them. Ben turned to me.
I reached for him and we just stood there holding each other for a while.

 "Are you picking Ma up, or is she coming to get you?"

 "I thought I'd walk over to the house and we'd go from there. She was
going to drive."

 "You two want some company, or you want to be alone so you can canoodle?"

 "Oh Ray!" Ben said in admonishment. 

 "Benny, I think Ma loves you more than she loves me," I teased.

 We separated from our hug. Ben looked at me affectionately. Then he threw
his arms around me again. "Ray, did I ever thank you for giving me a
mother again? It's wonderful."

 "And it's good for her, too, Benny. You've been good for all of us."

 "You'll come to mass with us?" He asked hopefully.

 "Do I have time to take a quick shower?"

 "We'll wait for you. I'll call Ma. "

 I was already on the move, calling to him over my shoulder. "Alright.
I'll be quick. Pick out some clothes for me?" 

 "Okay, love," he said. He began to move toward our bedroom.

 I detoured on my way to the bathroom and followed behind Benny instead.
"Oh, Benny?"

 "Yes, Ray?" He turned in the doorway to our bedroom.

 "Did I tell you I loved you today?" I asked.

 "As a matter of fact, no, you didn't, Ray."

 "Well, here it is: I love you, Benton Fraser."

 He answered just as formally. "I love you, Raymond Vecchio." He flashed
me a genuine, honest-to-goodness, from-the-heart smile, the first one I'd
seen in days. I turned toward the bathroom, heart full of hope.

 FINIS	
  

End B: In Sickness by Dee Gilles 

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