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      	  B: Journal 
 by Dee Gilles	

 Author's Notes: Correct file for B&R91!

 

 Benny & Ray 91 Journal Dee Gilles Rated G

 Monday August 3 10:00 pm

 My first day as a detective at the 27th felt both nostalgic and familiar,
as one feels when one returns home after a long absence, and at the same
time, foreign and unsettling. I found myself rather anxious with
anticipation driving in, and excited. Today was an orientation day that
mostly consisted of paperwork and getting acquainted with new faces and
getting reacquainted with familiar faces. The past, present, and future
seemed to converge around me, through me, today.

 I was pleased to see that the bullpen has changed very little since Ray
left. Dewey and Donald are still partners. I realized I hadn't seen either
of them since our embarrassing encounter at the International House of
Pancakes a couple of summers ago. Fortunately, the incident did not come
up during the course of the day. 

 I inquired of Dewey if he ever heard from his old partner Jack Huey, and
he told me that they had gone out for drinks last month, and that Jack was
doing quite well. He was satisfied with the course of his career, and was
still with his lady friend Jan. Jack is taking her later this month to
Trinidad to finally meet his parents and also, they had decided to extend
the trip to include Venezuela and Guyana as well, to visit with Jack's
other friends and family. I am envious of Jack. I wish that Ray and I had
the time and finances to travel more. While I certainly have traveled
extensively throughout Canada, other than my trip to Ecuador with Hugh and
to a few spots in the States, I am not well-traveled, which is one of the
regrets of my life. The other night in bed, Ray did mention taking me to
Italy one day, perhaps for our-ten year anniversary. I also said that I
might like to go to Scotland, to Inverness; to become acquainted with the
many members of Clan Fraser still entrenched in the area. Before migrating
to the Highlands, my people came from France, so I have an abiding
interest in that part of Europe as well. Additionally, I would like to see
England and Wales. 

 Micky Doyle now has another partner, a young lady I am more than a little
familiar with by the name of Elaine Besbriss-Franklin. It was so wonderful
to see her again. I am ashamed to admit that we have not communicated in
many months, as we have both been busy with our children and other aspects
of our life. She showed me pictures of young Evan, and I shared my photo
of Carie. When Carie is older, we thought we might bring them together for
"play dates" as they are called these days. 

 In an odd twist of fate, my new partner is to be Stanley Kowalski. We
have crossed paths before. Stanley and Ray once got into a bar fight after
Stanley made a derogatory comment regarding Ray's sexual orientation. We
have encountered each other after that and have done our best to let
bygones by bygones, but I do still resent that, just a little, though I
tried my best not to let it show today. I can't say that I have really
warmed up to him or him to me today, but I suppose these kinds of things
take time. Ray and I struck up a nearly immediate friendship once I
arrived in Chicago, but over the years I have learned what an
extraordinarily rare thing that is. We had declared one another our best
friend after having known each other for just a month. We were hardly out
of each other's presence once I returned to Chicago after Gerrard's
hearing. I have to smile, even after all these years, of flying back to
Chicago, to Ray, wearing his blue shirt that still smelled of his cologne.

 And it was also wonderful to see Margarita Gamez as well. Marg tells me
that Mario is doing extremely well at Clemson, and is enjoying a
slower-paced way of life in South Carolina. He was enjoying the
environment so much that he is thinking of switching his major course of
study from Industrial Engineering to Forestry after having spent most of
the summer hiking with friends the Appalachian Trail in Georgia and North
Carolina before finally returning home to spend August with his family.
The rest of the Gamez siblings are all doing quite well also, I am happy
to hear. Marg's eldest daughter will soon be returning to their native El
Salvador to teach in the public schools there, and Marg is both saddened
and extremely proud that her daughter has chosen to give back to her home
country.

 And lastly, I was thrilled to spend most of the latter part of the day
with Lt. Welsh. He took me upstairs to Captain Miller's office, where she
welcomed me with open arms. I found this surprising, as I had the
impression that the woman never cared for me. He also took me to meet with
Chief Silva, who it seems I owe a debt of gratitude to, for (1)
fast-tracking me to detective ahead of many others who have seniority, and
(2) getting me assigned to my old home at the 27. 

 The only spoiler to the day was that I wished for a few moments that Ray
was still here, and we could be partners again, official partners. Looking
back, I realized that Ray and I actually had fun together, even though we
were tackling some very serious crimes. I miss those days. It was easier,
back then.

 I also realized just how much of Ray's cases he must have kept from me,
after sitting with Stan and reviewing his open cases. I am surprised again
and again at how protective Ray was and still is of me. I am slightly
offended, and deeply moved.

 Stanley has some thirty-one open cases, many of which were murders,
rapes, and aggravated assaults. Micky and Elaine had twenty-two, a
manageable number, and Dewey and Donald, the most seasoned and proficient
of the detectives have only fifteen, however eight of those fifteen cases
are murders. There was going to be a lot of work waiting for me once I
settled down into the daily routine. 

 But I wasn't quite there yet. There is a lot of training and observation
to be done. Chief Silva is sending me to Detroit tomorrow, for an
intensive five-day seminar on general crime scene management, and shortly
after my return, I will be traveling to Eau Claire Wisconsin for a course
in domestic terrorism investigation and then finally, there is yet another
course; the Reid technique of interviewing and interrogation that I am
expected to complete in Columbus Ohio, which will fall the same weekend of
Ray's birthday, a fact I'm sure he will be less than thrilled about. 

 All other training that I need I can complete in or around the Chicago
area, thankfully. I spoke to Ray about my travel plans on his dinner break
tonight, and predictably, he was annoyed. We had plans to go to the Cubs
game on Saturday. We have not been to a game together in the past two
years, and I know Ray was really looking forward to it, as was I. He
understood, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

 I am sorry to say that I will be away in Eau Claire when Tony and Maria
drive Raphy to UNLV. Raphy is terribly excited. We have been trying to
provide him with a little extra expense money by having him baby sit Carie
from time to time, or by giving him various errands that neither Ray nor I
have time to do. We took him to Wal-Mart on Saturday so that he could
purchase his own bedding and other dorm supplies and he was beaming from
ear-to-ear. But this is also a sad time. Ray tells me that as the time
draws closer, Maria is becoming depressed; her baby boy is leaving her,
unlike Paul and David, to live half way across the country and it is not
sitting too well with her. Well, what can one do? That is life. I will
miss him, too.

 Thursday August 6 8:15 pm

 Classes were good today, very intense. I've met some interesting people
from the local force, as well as many others from police departments
throughout the Midwest. I've found that my time working with Ray in the
past has been tremendously helpful, as most of the techniques and
procedures I am quite familiar with already. I've done my reading for the
evening and had some dinner with Andrew Ellis, a fellow detective from
Gary and Albert Yates from Oshkosh Wisconsin. 

 The room is quiet, but there is much noise in the area. I hear footsteps
and loud voices in the hallway, sirens, car horns and various other city
noises. The air conditioning is so extremely loud that I can't sleep with
it on, so I sit here in 85 degree heat and humidity, sweating it out.
There is a small outdoor pool, and some of the officers have opted for a
nighttime swim, but I saw the pool in the afternoon sun yesterday and it
didn't look especially clean. Perhaps I'll take a cold shower instead.

 I miss Ray and Carie. It was strange to leave them, to load up the car
and drive away without them. I realized shortly into the five hour drive
that I had not taken a road trip without Ray since arriving in the States.
And this was my first extended trip away from Carie. I missed her sour
milk smell. I called first thing in the morning and each night. I could
hear Carie babbling when I spoke to Ray this evening. She was almost
shouting. 

 I cannot wait to return home on Sunday. I know Carie is too young to miss
me, but I feel terribly guilty being away from her.

 Saturday August 8 6:15 pm. 

 I am furious with Ray today. When I called yesterday, I asked about
Carie, and he told me that he had taken my daughter to the house and left
her there, as though she were a piece of furniture. It's not that I mind
where she is. I knew she is being looked after. It's just that Ray had the
weekend off and wanted to get rid of her so he could have some "peace and
quiet". As though she were a bother. I was a little too sharp with him
than I meant to be. I supposed I was hot and exhausted and irritable. But
I was hugely aggravated. I was hoping the good that would come out of my
being away this weekend was that he and she would bond a little better,
but Ray threw his opportunity away. Ray picked up my tone and immediately
bounced on me, and from there, the conversation quickly spun out of
control. I don't think I'll ever get used to Ray's hair-trigger temper.
For the most part, I ignore his outbursts, but sometimes he is so
confrontational he's impossible to ignore. 

 I don't know about Ray's skill or desire to parent sometimes. I worry
about what he will impart to Carie regarding manners and etiquette and
proper respect for authority. I know Ray has a good heart. It's just that
his behavior is easily misconstrued by the very young. 

 It is a matter that will need to be addressed at some point. Hopefully
later than sooner.

 Sunday August 9 9:13 pm

 Home at last. I arrived in Chicago a few minutes after six, and drove
straight to Ma's. Raphy and Marissa were playing `peek-a-boo' with Carie
and she was having the time of her life. I had dinner with Ray, Carie and
the rest of the family. I said my good-byes to Raphy. We hugged one
another and I got a little misty-eyed, much to my embarrassment. I wished
him the best of luck with his course of studies and told him I looked
forward to seeing him at Christmas. I realized suddenly that Raphy and I
were eye to eye when we spoke. I don't know when he got so tall.

 Carie fell asleep on the short drive home, and I carried her from the
car. Ray carried my luggage. We made love and all was forgiven. We have
not done it in two weeks. I asked for seconds after I had a shower. Ray
and I need to talk, but not tonight.

 FINIS

  
  

End B: Journal by Dee Gilles 

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