Finding The Way Home      Finding The Way Home

 by Elizabeth Mc

  

 

 Disclaimer: I don't own either show or the characters. Those who do own
them know who they are. Errors, however, I claim as my own.

 Author's Notes: Undying gratitude to Carole who did a wonderful job as
beta. She is the grammar and spelling champ and has an unflinching eye
towards plot progression. Her insight into both television shows was
invaluable.

 Story Notes: BadBen! here.

 

 

 He's been missing for days. Six days. I've been going out of my mind
looking everywhere I can think of and some places I can't even explain why
I thought that he'd be there. I just keep looking, hunting like some
obsessed wild thing, something starving and desperate. I don't know if
I've been breathing the whole time. I know I barely eat, just when
somebody makes me, don't sleep except when I give out and my eyes just
close. 

 Everyone's been real worried about me but that just pisses me off. I'm
not missing. I'm right here. Dying, maybe, every hour with every minute
just ticking like doomsday but I'm here. I'm right here. Fraser isn't and
I can't stand it. It's like somebody stole my right arm or my eyes or my
heart. I'm not alive, not whole, just crazy with scared. 

 I'm sitting at my desk. I know I practically fell over before and
Frannie's got that worried face on and Huey is watching me like I'm an
exhibit. Six days and I'm falling over already. It's too soon. I can't
collapse, not when he's out there and he's waiting for me and I know he
knows I'll find him. I know he knows I won't let anything stop me. Not
even this weak ass body that keeps slowing me down. 

 I look across the room when some girl walks by in a red sweater. I just
catch a glimpse but it's enough to stop my heart. I remember looking
around the first day Fraser and I met and I caught that same flash of red.
I started talking and I didn't stop for like a week. "What do you see,
over and over," I asked him. "Duets. Okay? Lennon and McCartney, Leopold
and Loeb, The Three Stooges..." 

 I'm so into the memory that I don't really notice when Huey and Frannie
back away from me. Don't realize that Welsh is crowding in close until
he's practically in my chair with me. I've never seen him look so...gentle
before. It's like a grizzly bear nudging at a cub. Huge paws with nails
that'll disembowel a guy with one swipe, patting at a baby with soft pads
instead of claws. I don't know where all that comes from but Welsh is
looking at me like he's gonna nudge me with the soft side of his paw and
all at once, I really can't breathe. 

 "He's alive, Ray." 

 My heart is hammering and my breathing is back but it's loud and painful
like I'm having an asthma attack except I don't have asthma or anything
else. 

 "He's at County. I don't know how bad it is." 

 "Hospital?" I say stupidly, like what else would he mean? 

 "Yes, County Hospital. Let's go." 

 Welsh puts his hand under my arm and he's pulling me to my feet. See, I'm
not usually like this but the room won't stay still and I can't really see
because there are shadows at the fringe around my eyes and I can't hear
because it sounds like there's a waterfall in my head. So he's lifting and
guiding and I'm acting like a zombie and getting dragged along with him. 

 The cold hits me as soon as we get outside. It's like getting belted with
ice but it wakes me up. Now I'm getting it. They found him. He's alive and
he's in a hospital. All of a sudden my throat hurts so bad from the rock
lodged there that I start thinking I'm gonna hyperventilate. I don't want
to. Not now, not before I know anything and not in front of Welsh. I
really don't want to. 

 We're in Welsh's car for a while. We don't talk because there's nothing
to say. He's not as scared as me but he is scared. Welsh likes Fraser,
thinks he's a good cop and a good guy. I don't know if he knows that I
love Fraser but I don't think it'd matter to him one way or the other. 

 We get to the hospital pretty fast and whatever's left in me is working
now. I'm all over the front desk and getting information before Welsh even
gets in the door. The nurse is used to panic because she just punches
stuff into her computer without blinking even though I'm practically
crawling over the desk to get her to tell me. I hear a beep before she
looks up at me. She could rival Fraser's Mountie mask with the look on her
face. It tells me nothing. She just tells me to go to the fourth floor
reception desk and someone there will direct me. She points down the hall
to the elevators. 

 Welsh showed up some time. I don't remember him coming up to stand next
to me but he heard the directions. We both practically run to the
elevator. 

 There are so many nightmares playing in my head that I can't think of
anything else. He's dead, he's brain-damaged, he's broken beyond repair. I
keep seeing him all beat up and mangled in my head. It's making me shake
again. 

 Welsh follows the signs to the reception desk. A nurse is there too, of
course. She was expecting us, she says, the front desk called ahead. 

 "Constable Fraser will be out in a moment," she says. 

 And all I can do is stare at her. If he'll be out in a minute then he
can't be hurt. I mean, he's hurt because we're at the hospital but it
can't be bad. I feel dizzy as the relief rolls through me. He's okay. He's
really okay. Welsh is asking the nurse questions but I can't hear him. 

 All I can see is Fraser the day before he disappeared and he was perfect
the way he always is. Not in uniform because he was off-duty. Dressed in
blue jeans with his cotton jersey covered by a blue t-shirt, everything
pressed and tucked in. I remember kissing him, telling him to get
something good at the store and listening to him laugh when I insist that
he have dinner ready when I came home from work. 

 Welsh is touching my arm, getting my attention. When I look up, Fraser is
there. He's standing just outside a door that must lead to the examination
rooms. He looks pale and sort of lost but I can't stop myself. I'm across
the room and holding him before I realize I've even moved. 

 He's holding me back, his hands tight around me, squeezing me as hard as
I'm squeezing him. I'm saying his name like it's the only word I know
while his voice floats over me in soothing tones and words I can't quite
hear. 

 I don't know how long we stay like that. I don't care about anything but
the feel of him against me, the smell of him, the sound of his breathing
in my ears. He's here. He's okay. 

 I'm shaking so hard that I'm not even sure I can stay standing when he
gently pushes me away to greet Welsh. The lieutenant starts in with
questions right away. He said something about being glad Fraser was back
but that was it for making nice. He starts grilling Fraser and Fraser does
something I can't begin to understand. He refuses to answer. 

 "Thank you for your concern, Lieutenant, but no crime was committed and I
must elect not to discuss the last week." 

 Perfectly polite and it sounds like Fraser's voice but I just can't
believe it's really him talking. I step back a little to look him in the
face. He's still pale but there's something else, a distance in his face I
didn't see before. He's hiding behind his manners and his posture. 

 Welsh starts to argue. After all, we've all been looking for him for the
last week. We have a right to know where's he's been, why he hasn't talked
to anyone. But Fraser just refuses to talk about it again. He's still
polite but he's dismissing the lieutenant and his questions like he has
every right to do that which he does but that doesn't make it the right
thing to do. 

 Welsh is really pissed when he leaves. I don't blame him. I wonder if
he's too mad to realize that I just came out in the middle of the
hospital, to him and about twenty strangers. I let that go. There're more
important things to talk about. 

 Before I have a chance to ask anything though, Fraser has me in his arms
again. It's almost painful being hugged this hard. It's like he thinks
I'll disappear or something. I remind myself that I'm not the one who's
been gone for six days. But I also remind myself that we're in a hospital.
He might be upright and holding me but there has to be a reason we're
here. 

 "Are you hurt? You okay?" I ask. 

 "I'm fine, Ray. I'd like to go home now. Can we do that?" 

 "That's it? Fraser, you've been gone a week, don't you think you should
tell me what's going on?" 

 "I can't tell you, Ray. I thought I was clear about that." 

 Okay, I admit, I'm not patient. I want to know what's going on and I want
to know now. We're in a hospital and he hasn't told me why, he's been gone
without a word for days and he's telling me he can't explain. 

 But he's also looking at me, right into my eyes; boring into me with all
the pleading of a hungry puppy so what can I do but give in. I get hugged
with the same desperate strength that isn't exactly comfortable but I'm
just so glad he's here that any contact is good. 

 "Just tell me what's wrong with you. Why are you here?" 

 "This is where I was left." He answers simply like that tells me
anything. 

 Okay, I can play. 

 "Who left you?" 

 "A friend." 

 "What friend?" He just looks at me. 

 "How long ago?" I press. 

 "I don't know. I was waiting to be examined for quite some time." 

 "Well, what did the doctor say?" 

 Fraser looks like he's thinking about that question. "Very little" he
finally answers. "He seemed a bit confused as to why I was there." 

 "And why were you there?" 

 He just looks at me again, kind of blank and kind of curious too. 

 "Fraser, what do you know?" I ask him, getting irritated now. 

 "That I'm tired and I've missed you and I want to go home." 

 I sigh. This conversation is going nowhere. My Mountie is all earnest and
innocent and stubborn. It's frustrating but even I can see we're not
accomplishing anything here. He looks all right. Just tired, like he said,
so I give in again. 

 When we get outside there's a man leaning against the side of the
building near the entrance. I only notice him because he straightens up
when he sees us. He has gray hair and a solid build. He's dressed in faded
jeans with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. Fraser stops when he
sees him. 

 He stares at him for a few seconds, long enough so that I notice. The
other guy stares back then walks away with his hands in his pockets. 

 "Who was that?" I ask. 

 "Jack," Fraser answers. "I've been speaking with him in the waiting
room." 

 "Did he see who dropped you off?" 

 "Probably not. Let's go home, Ray." 

 He holds my hand while we walk to the car, letting go just long enough
for us to get inside. Then he has me again in a possessive grip that feels
desperate. He doesn't let go until we get home which makes driving my
stick shift a real challenge. And he doesn't say a word except to answer
me when I ask him a question. 

 We walk upstairs and he doesn't remember that we're supposed to be subtle
about our relationship. He couldn't be closer if he was adhesive. But
while I admit I'm surprised, I'm not bothered. This guy has been gone for
days and I've been insane. I want to be as close as I can get. I don't
ever want him out of my sight again. 

 I have to coax my hand loose from him to put the key in the door. He's
looking at me with a hunger that's almost scary except this is Fraser. I
decide I'm just wound up after the last few days. And since I can't decide
how to act or feel right now, I'm just going to take this
moment-by-moment. 

 As soon as we're in, Diefenbaker bounds towards us. Fraser smiles at him
and crouches whispering "Ah, yes" to himself. But Dief doesn't jump him
and I figure he's just doing his unaffected imitation, but then he growls.
It's not loud or even menacing exactly, but I step back anyway. Fraser
cocks his head like he's confused then reaches a hand out, palm down. Dief
approaches slowly, with his ears laid back and sniffs at the fingers. He
sneezes twice and looks at me. 

 "He's home," I say. The wolf shakes his head as if he has water in his
ears and goes back to the living room to lie down. 

 "That was weird," I say. 

 "We have more important concerns," Fraser says before he shoves me back
against the door. 

 In the time it takes for me to breathe, he's got my wrists pinned at my
sides against the door and his mouth is over mine. The pressure is brutal
as his tongue snakes into my mouth to assault me. There's no room for my
tongue anymore since his is flailing around tasting and probing everything
as quickly as it can. I'm surprised he hasn't sucked in my tonsils when he
finally breaks off so we can both take a breath. 

 I start to tell him to slow down when he takes my hand and presses it
tight against his erection. He spends a moment pushing it up and down over
the fabric of his jeans until I guess he decides I have the rhythm
memorized and then he takes my mouth again in a bruising grip. 

 I'm getting into it too as I use my one free hand to find his zipper and
tug it down. He's using his free hand to capture my ass and tease the
crack with his fingertips. I never really liked this kind of desperate sex
when the only goal is getting off as quickly as possible. I don't need
dinner and a movie but most of the time I like to build up, make it last. 

 Fraser is the same way. We're both just used to a little mutual
worshipping before the real deal. It doesn't look like I'm going to be
getting that this time though because my jeans are already pooling at my
ankles and my briefs are quick to join them. 

 This is Fraser so I'm not fighting him. He wants fast and hard, I can
give it to him. This is different but it's not bad and my dick is
apparently happy no matter what we do. So when he turns me around so I'm
plastered full body against the door, I'm still with him. He's got my cock
in one hand while his other hand is still teasing my ass. He darts a
finger inside me and plays for a bit before he draws out. I always did
like that so I give him a moan to let him know, I'm still in the game. He
goes back in again with two fingers now, deep and hard and scraping. It's
not quite right and there's a little pain. Nothing bad just new. He draws
out again, and then plunges back in without hesitation and now it's three
fingers. I'm not really stretched enough and there's more pain than the
usual discomfort that I expect. It's enough for me to tell him to slow
down but not enough to make my body stop from pushing back against him.
Pavlov's dog, that's me. 

 He's in a hurry and a moment later, the fingers are gone. I don't
remember when but at some point, he let go of my cock and I just
automatically took the job. Hey, somebody had to keep it happy. Fraser
bats my hand out of the way now and goes after me with a vengeance. I feel
everything tighten up and then it all lets loose over his hand, the door
and my legs. I'm weak and breathless but he just keeps one arm wrapped
around my waist. The next thing I feel is his cock at my opening. It's hot
and hard and wet. He's leaking and he used my contribution for lube so he
glides in. Not real smooth, not like we're used to but he drives home with
just a little complaint from me that I try to keep quiet about. 

 Like the kissing earlier, he just takes over my body. He's drilling into
me with all the strength and need of a rutting buffalo. It's a struggle
not to knock myself out against the door while he pounds at me. I know
when he's going to come. He grows hotter inside me and his rhythm is off
and a moment later I feel the hot liquid. He holds me up and tight against
him while he lets go. It's just a few more thrusts before he pulls out,
then he leans his forehead against my back where he pants wordlessly. 

 I shift around slowly to hold him. I'm feeling tired and sore but I want
him to know how much I love him. The last week has been a constant hell of
waiting for the phone to ring, for someone to tell me that he's dead. To
have him now, feel his heart against my chest, smell the musk and fresh
air that's only him, it's worth anything. 

 But just as I make it around so we're facing, spent cocks touching,
sweaty bodies pressed to each other, he steps away from me. No kiss, no
touch. He just steps back, pulls his jeans up and around and goes into the
bedroom. I have a flash of feeling like the local whore but I just pull my
own clothes up and follow him. 

 He has already stripped and gotten into bed by the time I reach the
bedroom. Diefenbaker is curled up on the floor on my side of the bed. He
usually sleeps at the end but I don't give it much thought. Since Fraser
disappeared he's been sleeping on my side. 

 "We gotta talk, Fraser," I say. 

 "About what, Ray?" He asks. 

 I'm starting to get pissed now but I don't want to be. I just want to be
happy that he's home and safe but it's getting hard to think like that. 

 "How about we start with where you've been all week." 

 "I can't tell you that." 

 "That answer's not gonna work for me, Fraser." 

 "Go to sleep, Ray." 

 I almost have to prop my jaw back up. He rolls on to his side facing away
from me. 

 "What the hell does that mean?" 

 "It means that I'm tired and you're tired and sleeping will cure that
problem. I will want to have sex in the morning so I think it would be
good if we slept now." 

 Have you ever had your worldview tilt? 

 "Who the hell are you and what did you do with Fraser?" I ask him, only
half kidding. 

 He turns back over and there's an anger in his eyes I've never seen
before. Not directed at perps, sure as hell not directed at me. It stops
me for a minute. 

 "Do you doubt who I am? Did we not just engage in an intimate sexual
act?" 

 I don't know how to answer that. It's yes and it's not yes too. 

 "It's time to rest, Ray," he says, ending the conversation and rolling
back on to his side. 

 I remind myself that he's been missing for days, that I have no idea what
happened to him while he was gone, that I nearly lost my mind worrying
about him and now he's back. I strip down, pat Dief on the head and curl
up close to Fraser.  

 I wake in the morning, startled to have Fraser leaning over me. There's
something wrong about his expression. I can't explain it except that I
don't feel desired, more like stalked. He comes down long enough to kiss
me and his mouth is dry. So is mine so the kiss isn't our best. He gives
it a good try though while he swooshes around my teeth. 

 My dick is liking this too even if I'm still a little shaky from last
night's session. My morning erection is hardening with real interest and
frankly we're both surprised when Fraser unceremoniously flips me on to my
stomach. 

 "Hey," I protest even though I'm sort of laughing too. A take-charge
Mountie is not a bad thing. 

 He doesn't answer me except to lick my neck and run a trail down my spine
and I shiver nicely. He feels good against my back and there's no rush now
as he starts planting kisses from my neck and working down. I'm reaching
back, trying to touch him with one hand and reaching under me with the
other because the fabric of the sheets is rubbing against my dick like
crazy and I really want to jerk off. 

 I'm more than a little surprised when Fraser grabs my pillow from under
my head and then his too. He pulls my hips up, stuffs the pillows under
me, all nice and strategic to get my ass in the air. I can feel his pace
is changing. I thought we were going to take some time but he just wants
in. 

 He uses his knee to kick my legs apart and then he grabs my arm, the one
that had been making my cock happy. He pulls my arm back despite my
protest and then he grabs the other one and pulls it back too. This is
getting a little weird. Not exactly scary or anything but it feels odd to
have him restraining me like this. I'm a tactile guy. I like to touch. 

 The next thing I feel is his cock pressing at my opening and that does
panic me a little. He hasn't done anything to get me ready and unless I
slept through it, he hasn't gotten the lube out of the drawer. 

 "Slow down, Fraser," I order him, pulling at the grip on my arms. 

 He doesn't answer. Just leans over and kisses me once before his cock
drives into me. It hurts going dry like that and I think the only reason
he got in at all was his cock must have been leaking. That doesn't help me
though and I try to buck him off while I tell him to stop. He doesn't
though and I can't budge him with my arms still in his grip and his weight
bearing down on me. 

 "Stop it," I yell at him while he continues jerking in and out in hard
thrusts. "You're hurting me." 

 "Don't whine, Ray," he says but his voice is breathless with the exertion
of fucking me. 

 "Fraser, stop it. Stop right now," I tell him just before he shudders
against my back and comes. 

 He pulls out right away and lets my arms go. He rolls me back over and I
shove him away from me. My dick is about half hard now. The pain made it
wilt, the anger kept it fighting. Fraser comes back towards me so I shove
him again and crawl out of bed. 

 "Whatever the fuck happened to you, Fraser, nothing gives you the right
to do that to me." 

 He looks genuinely confused. 

 "I thought you enjoyed penetration." 

 "I don't enjoy pain, Fraser. You held me down and fucked me. What the
hell is that about?" 

 He seems to think about that. He climbs off his side of the bed and looks
at me with his arms crossed over his chest. He's naked and utterly bold
and that isn't like Fraser either. 

 "I apologize," he says finally. "You're right. I gave no thought to your
comfort. It'll be better after breakfast." 

 "Forget about after breakfast," I tell him. "When you want to tell me
what's going on, then we'll talk." 

 Fraser looks at me then and it's almost like watching one of those
cartoons when a light bulb appears. He cocks his head at me and nods. 

 "Understood." 

 He walks past me, pats my shoulder and goes into the bathroom. A few
minutes later I hear the shower turn on. I can't move for a second. It's
all wrong. I look at the clock next to the bed hoping that it's distorted
somehow. I want this to be a dream. I want Fraser to be back but I want
this morning to be a dream. I pinch myself. It hurts. Fuck. 

 I need to clean up before I get dressed but since my Fraser-clone is in
the bathroom, I pull on a robe and go into the kitchen to make coffee. I
put water on for tea automatically. I'm not hungry but Fraser's been
missing for a week and I don't know if he's been eating or what so I pull
out the little plastic canister of pre-mix pancake batter and add water. I
shake up the container while the griddle is warming. The batter pours out
even so I make three giant circles and wait for the edges to get solid. 

 I hear the shower turn off just as I start flipping the pancakes over.
Fraser comes out of the bedroom, naked and rubbing his hair with a towel.
I might be mad but my dick is used to being happy about a naked Fraser. I
decide to ignore that though. Despite popular opinion, I am not a slut. I
do have self-control and I am still royally pissed even if I am fixing him
breakfast. 

 "I apologize for this morning, Ray. I missed you and I allowed that
emotion to take control of me." 

 I sigh. That's a little formal, even for my Mountie, but it's also an
apology. A real one this time. He's not just placating me like he was
trying to do in the bedroom. I scoop the pancakes off the griddle, drop
them on a plate and hand them across the bar to him. 

 "This is nice, Ray. I knew you would be." 

 "What's that supposed to mean?" That a nice apology would get me back
without a fuss? Does he really think he can manipulate me like that? 

 "Last week when I was thinking about coming home to you, I knew you'd be
kind." 

 Oh. 

 "Oh, well, yeah, I was crazy worrying about you last week. I thought you
were dead, Fraser." 

 "Yes, I know. I'm sorry about that. There was no way to get word to you."


 He says this around a mouthful of dry pancakes. 

 "Don't you want some butter or syrup on those?" 

 "Uh, yes, let's see, butter only. Syrup is too sweet." 

 I hand him the butter dish and a knife. I flip my own pancakes over
wondering if he's got a concussion or something. Maybe something terrible
happened to him and he's a having traumatic stress. 

 "Where were you, Fraser? I need you to tell me." 

 He glares at me for just a second before his expression clears. Then with
a voice that clearly says he is just giving in to make me drop it, he
says, 

 "I was on special assignment with the CSIS. That's essentially the
equivalent of the CIA. That's all I can tell you." 

 "You were working? And you couldn't call me up. Say, like, Ray, my
friend, I will not be home for several days, I am working, don't worry.
You couldn't do that?" 

 "No, I couldn't." 

 "And you didn't know I'd be going out of my mind?" 

 "I thought you might worry but I am an adult, Ray, I didn't think you'd
be frantic." 

 "This is Chicago, Fraser. You know why they call this place the Windy
City?" 

 "Yes, it's because..." 

 "You're wrong, it's because people blow away and they never get heard
from again. This is Chicago, Fraser. I thought you were dead." 

 "I can see you're distressed. Your pancakes are burning." He's right. I
flip all three of mine into the sink and turn on the water. I pick up the
griddle and throw it after them making a loud clatter when metal hits
porcelain followed by a hiss of steam from the water. 

 "I did my duty, Ray. I thought you'd understand that." 

 "Well, I don't. I thought you had a duty here too, Fraser. I thought we
had something going on here." 

 "Of course we do. We're very close. Mutually beneficial. Partners. Red
ships, green ships. A duet." 

 "I thought so too." I can't even look at him right now while my anger is
deflating in favor of the dull ache throbbing through my chest. 

 "If I could have sent you a message, I would have. I was forbidden to
make contact. There was nothing I could have done short of desertion." 

 "I'm not sure that's good enough." 

 I leave him with his breakfast and go off to shower. I'm shaking by the
time I step under the hot spray. It's adrenaline and exhaustion and I know
it. I keep repeating to myself that he's back and that's all that matters.
But that doesn't help either. I need him to be Fraser. 

 By the time I get out, dry off and dress, the apartment is empty. At
least he left a note. He said he thought I could use some time alone and
he wanted to check in at the Consulate. He took Dief with him. 

 He's right. Except...except the last time we weren't together, he
disappeared. 

 My heart decides it doesn't like me anymore. It pounds against my chest
determined to find a way out. My breath starts coming in hard gasps. And
before I know it, my knees give out altogether. I just kneel on the floor,
arms wrapped around my middle, heaving and gasping for air. 

 I don't know how long how I was there. It was long enough for my knees to
be throbbing and for the feeling in my feet to be gone. 

 A knock on the front door brings me around and I'm embarrassed that my
eyes are wet. Not from crying. It's just a weird reaction to stress. I'd
never had an anxiety attack but I'm betting that was one. Not much else it
could be unless it was a total breakdown. 

 The knock becomes more insistent. I drag myself off the floor and nearly
pitch forward when the needles shoot through my waking feet. I steady
myself with one hand on the back of the nearest chair and get some air
inside. 

 By the time I get to the door, I'm looking at the back of my visitor as
he walks towards the elevator. 

 "Vecchio," I say to stop him. 

 He turns around with a start. He looks like shit. Eyes too big for his
skull, pasty complexion, especially for an Italian, and one living in
Florida at that. 

 "Is he here?" 

 "Went to the Consulate." 

 I go back inside knowing he'll follow. He comes in and shuts the door
behind him. 

 "You let him go alone?" 

 "He left while I was in the shower. No letting involved." 

 "How is he? Welsh said you found him at the hospital." 

 "What are you doing here, Vecchio? I told you I'd call you as soon as we
knew anything." 

 "Well it's a good thing I didn't believe you then, huh." 

 "I would've called. It was...last night was...I would've called." 

 "I was already in the air when you found him. Stella couldn't stand
having me pace all over the house so she sent me here." 

 "Well, you can get your return flight then. He's back. He's fine." 

 "I'm not leaving just yet, Kowalski. You want to settle down?" When I
look at him, he looks calm. 

 "You're right. Sorry. He really is okay. We did find him at the hospital
but it doesn't look like he had a reason to be there. He either won't say
or doesn't know who left him there or when they left him. He says he was
on Canadian secret agent type business but he can't tell me what. And he
wasn't allowed to contact anybody while he was gone. And pretty much, he's
sorry to worry everybody but hey...it was business." 

 I didn't actually want to sound that bitter. 

 "That doesn't make any sense you know," Vecchio points out helpfully. 

 "Can't imagine why'd you say that." I know he doesn't deserve so much
sarcasm but he hasn't been here for the last week or the last twelve
hours. I figure he's just gonna have to cut me some slack or take himself
on the road. 

 "How can he not know who brought him to the hospital or when and still
not have anything wrong with him?" 

 "I don't know, Vecchio. Maybe he was lying yesterday. He didn't want to
tell me where he's been or anything. Maybe he was just blowing me off
until he could think of something else to say." 

 "Benny avoids more than he lies. Was it a direct question and answer?" 

 "Nothing's been direct since he got back. I asked him what he did with
the real Fraser last night and for a second I thought he was gonna hit me
over it." 

 Vecchio's eyebrows go up. "Fraser?" I just shrug. "Maybe it's time to
talk to his boss. He's gotta know something." 

 "He doesn't have one. They're letting Fraser run things until they get
somebody. Not that they promoted him or anything." 

 Vecchio rolls his eyes at that. Something else we agree on. The RCMP has
been treating Fraser like crap for years and they're still doing it. 

 "I'm going to the Consulate. Maybe he'll talk to me." 

 "More than he talks to me? Dream on, Vecchio." 

 "Well, I'm not fucking him, Kowalski. Maybe he needs to say something
that he can't say to you." 

 "Nice language. You sweet talk Stella with that mouth?" 

 "Give me a break, huh. You turned him into a faggot, you made him forget
I was his best friend and then you lost him for a week." 

 "Must be nice to know everything. I guess Fraser never told you about
Eric or Mark Smithbauer. Or how he never did like having June in the
scouts with him and Innusiq." 

 For a minute I think Vecchio is really going to lose it but he just sighs
at me and leaves. He loves giving me those long-suffering sighs. Like his
life was so perfect before I met up with Fraser. Like he didn't run off to
play Joe Undercover just to get away from Fraser. Not that he'd ever admit
to something like that. 

 I don't have to go into work but I figure I should call Welsh anyway. He
deserves some kind of an update even if it isn't much. 

 After that's done and he's sort of mollified for the moment, I decide to
curl up on the couch. I'm tired down to my roots from all the insanity.
I'm sore from Fraser using me like a recreational vehicle. And I'm
depressed because I want my Mountie back and I don't know how to get him. 

 I fall asleep and don't wake up until the front door opens.  "Ray, are
you here?" 

 Fraser's voice. 

 "He's over there on the couch." 

 Vecchio. 

 "Sleeping in the middle of the day? Are you ill?" 

 I am pushing up and scooting around to sit. Dief waits until my feet are
on the floor before he sits down and leans against my leg. Fraser puts his
hand against my forehead. 

 "You don't feel warm." 

 "I'm not sick. I was just a little tired. How are things at the
Consulate?" 

 "About as I expected. You're certain you're not sick?" 

 "I'm fine. How about you? Any side effects from your journey to the dark
side?" 

 The look he gives me says he has no idea what I'm talking about. 

 "Star Wars, Benny. He's quoting a movie at you." 

 "Oh. In any event, I feel fine." 

 "Well, I'm taking off then," Vecchio says. "I'm glad you're okay, Benny."


 "Thank you kindly, Ray. I'm sorry that you had to come all this way. Are
you certain you wouldn't like to stay here instead of a hotel?" 

 If he says yes, I'll kill him. But, Vecchio just glances at me before he
declines the offer. He leaves without telling me anything but I get the
feeling he doesn't think there's anything wrong with Fraser. Must be my
imagination. 

 Fraser sits down next to me after the door closes. He puts his hand
against my forehead again but doesn't comment. Instead he runs a hand from
my shoulder to my wrist and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not still
mad and maybe I was overreacting and just maybe we can get to know each
other again, only this time, we'll do it right. 

 All that thinking gets me nowhere because a second later his grip gets
hard and twists my arm around and that twists my body before I can start
fighting back so in about half a second I'm making like a pretzel with my
chest pressed against the arm of the couch, my head hanging over it and my
legs trapped under Fraser's body. He's still got my wrist twisted
perfectly up to the middle of my back. 

 "Ow, Jesus, Fraser, get off me, what're you doing?" I yell at him. He
shoves my arm up another little bit and the pain shoots from my shoulder
and makes me gasp. 

 Dief is standing now with his teeth bared at the both of us but he
doesn't look like he knows who to defend. 

 "There is no reason for you to send a spy after me." Fraser's voice is so
calm and even, it's almost like a joke. 

 I push back at him, kicking my legs as much as I can and trying to squirm
my way free with whatever leverage I can get. He gives my arm another
shove and I know it won't take much to just pull it out of the socket now.
I'm not getting anywhere fighting and my vision is getting a little dim
from the limited oxygen so I force myself to go limp. He recognizes the
surrender and loosens up his grip but not the pressure so I'm still
fighting to breathe. 

 Dief growls. 

 "It's all right, Diefenbaker," Fraser says and the wolf doesn't get more
aggressive but he doesn't sit down or relax either. 

 "Get off me." I keep my voice steady and low. 

 "Do you understand your behavior in this instance will not be tolerated?"


 "Get the fuck off me, Fraser." Still calm, serious and reasonable. 

 "Answer my question." 

 "I understand." I give in because I want him to get off me. I can't fight
like this so he has to stop seeing me as a threat. 

 He doesn't let go right away. I feel his weight shift and it drives my
chest harder into the armrest. Then I feel his mouth on my neck, all dry
and scratchy. His tongue gets into the action but it's dry too as it
traces a path from the edge of my hairline down to just under my shirt. 

 I'm trying real hard not to let him know how scared I am right now. I
don't know who came home last night but this guy isn't Fraser. My mind is
clicking through every insane movie plot I ever saw about body switching,
facelifts and brain washing. I know none of that's real but I also know
this isn't my Fraser. 

 His weight shifts again and he sits back at the end of the couch. My
right arm has been trapped under me so it's a little numb but it's nothing
compared to the throbbing going through my left arm. I maneuver pretty
slowly to turn around and get to sitting, taking my time on purpose so I
can catch my breath and get all the blood flowing the way it's supposed
to. 

 I flinch away automatically when he reaches towards me but he just puts
his palm against my forehead again. 

 "You feel a bit warm now, Ray, but I'm sure your temperature will
decrease shortly." 

 The pain is getting less and the pins in my limbs seem to be fading. I
have my breath back and I'm getting some control over the adrenaline. I
stand up slowly and take a few test steps to the bedroom. Everything is
working just fine. 

 "Fraser, will you come here for a second? I want to show you something." 

 "Of course, Ray." He stands up and walks over to me and for just a second
I see my Mountie in his eyes. But it's not enough. 

 I pull back with all my strength and belt him solidly in the jaw. He
stumbles backward but he doesn't fall. Instead he just cradles his chin
with one hand and looks at me like I betrayed him. It's the same look he
gave me when I hit him once before and it just pisses me off. 

 "Don't you ever think about trying something like that again." I'm
practically spitting I'm so mad. 

 "It is my duty as your life partner to counsel you when you make an error
in judgment that affects our relationship." 

 It takes me a second to process what he said. Not because I don't
understand it, I just can't believe he said it. 

 "I did not send Vecchio anywhere. He wanted to see for himself that
you're all right. He flew all the way from Florida because he was worried,
you think he wouldn't want to see you?" 

 "He said that you were concerned about me, that you didn't think I was
behaving normally." 

 "You're not which is why you are going to the hospital, right now.
There's something loose in that head of yours and we're gonna find out
what it is." 

 "I'm not going to hospital, Ray. It's you who's acting strangely. You
don't want to make love. You tell my good friend, Ray Vecchio, that
there's something wrong with me and you send him, in secret, to find out
what it is. You don't believe me when I tell you where I've been. You've
done nothing but complain and cajole since I've come home. And now you
tell me that you think I'm the one that's ill." 

 "What are you talking about?" I yell. There isn't a reasonable bone left
in my body. And he's just staring at me, all calm and unruffled. It makes
me want to hit him again. 

 "You haven't stopped badgering me since yesterday. And all you've done is
complain when I've tried to show you what you mean to me." 

 "No. No. You do not get to put this on me. You haven't done anything in
the last two days that even comes close to affection." 

 "That's just silly, Ray." 

 "Fraser, will you listen to yourself?" 

 "I'm listening to you." 

 "Well stop it. I mean...you know what I mean. You're not making any
sense." 

 I take a second to calm down. Whatever is going on here, I'm not gonna
get solved by fighting. I need to prove to him that he's the one acting
screwy. 

 "Fraser, think about it. Why were you at the hospital last night?" 

 "Because that's where I was left." 

 "Who left you there?" 

 "A friend." 

 "What friend?" 

 "I couldn't say." 

 "You don't know or you can't tell me?" 

 "We've already discussed this at length." 

 "Why did they leave you at the hospital?" 

 "It was a place. He just wanted a place that was safe and the hospital
met that criteria." 

 "Who did?" 

 He looks frustrated and mad. That makes me feel a little better because
at least he's starting to realize there should be an answer. 

 "Does he have a name?" 

 "Rank...I think. He has a rank...a designation." 

 "American or Canadian?" 

 "I can't discuss this any further. I've already explained that." 

 "Were you hurt? Is that why he left you there?" 

 "Stop asking me questions, Ray." 

 The confusion is starting to sound like desperation. If he were a suspect
I'd be two minutes away from a confession. He's not a suspect though and I
made a mistake because he's not handcuffed either. I barely see his arm
come up and my mind doesn't catch the impact before my face does. 

 Ring the bell, folks, because he's out.  

 My head hurts. There's black ink splotches expanding and shrinking in
front of my eyes. They're making me dizzy. My jaw is cold. On the up side
my hand feels warm. 

 "Ray, can you hear me?" 

 Focusing takes some time and effort but finally there's one clear Mountie
instead of lots of blurry ones. 

 "I'm terribly sorry, Ray, are you all right?" 

 "Didn't exactly pull that last one, did ya?" 

 The pressure and the cold at my jaw are starting to bug me so I bat at it
before I realize it's an ice pack. The pressure goes away and I'm
grateful. 

 "I didn't want you to swell." 

 "Best way to avoid that is to not hit me." 

 "I'm so sorry. That was an unconscionable thing to do. I think you're
right, Ray, I'm clearly not in my right mind or I would never have...I
have no wish to hurt you." 

 I push myself up and lean back against the headboard. I'm happy to find
that I'm in our bed. It's warm and safe and it means he took care of me.
That's gotta be a good sign. 

 "Yeah, well, I don't wanna hurt you either. I did hit you first, Fraser."


 My jaw is aching after that little speech. 

 "You're frustrated with me and it's entirely my fault. I've been far too
vague with you. I thought you'd understand my duty and why I couldn't tell
you more but I see that's not the case. I need to tell you everything so
we can avoid these arguments." 

 The way he said that makes me think I'm wrong and I know I'm not and that
makes me mad again. I swallow it back though because right now I just want
the answers. 

 Fraser pushes the hair off my forehead with light fingers after he sits
down beside me. He puts one hand on the knee farthest from him and starts
rubbing my leg above the covers. It's all gentle and soothing and I can't
help melting into it. 

 Being a guy, I can't resist looking at his face too to see what damage I
did when I hit him. A little comparative bruising. He doesn't have one.
Not so much as a red dot and I put some real power into that punch. I
must've pulled it at the last or something. I can honestly say that he
didn't. 

 "Last week, I was visited by three high ranking members of the CSIS.
Defense Minister Art Eggleton was visiting Chicago for some high level
meetings with members of your government. He's been experiencing some
death threats so his visit was kept entirely secret. Since there are
relatively few members of the RCMP locally, they sought my assistance.
There was no contact permitted outside of their inner circle until Mr.
Eggleton was safely boarded on his plane yesterday evening." 

 I look at him and he's in full Mountie earnestness. This sounds just like
him. They came calling, told him to jump, told him to stay quiet and he
went along because he made an oath almost twenty years ago. 

 The thing is, I don't think that's all that was going on. I mean, come
on, they snatch him and forbid him to have any contact with anybody. What
if he was married or had kids or a sick parent or something? 

 "You didn't think that was strange?" 

 "Actually, yes. But I took an oath to follow the orders of my superiors."


 Do I know my Mountie or what? 

 "Fraser, I appreciate you telling me the details and I know it's hard for
you to do that when they told you not to. But there's some holes in your
story that I..." 

 "It's not a story, Ray." 

 "I don't mean it like that. And I hate to risk getting hit again but that
doesn't explain why you don't know how you got to the hospital or who
brought you." 

 "They didn't want to take me back to the Consulate or the police station
for fear of being seen. They didn't bring me here for the same reason.
They left me at the hospital because it was convenient, close and safe." 

 "Who are they?" 

 "I can't say, Ray." 

 "Can't or won't?" 

 He doesn't answer me, just gives me a blank look. 

 "If the operation is over then why didn't you just tell me the truth?" I
persist. 

 "I was sworn to secrecy, Ray. There were many facets to the operation
that I was not privy to. However, I was instructed quite specifically not
to share any details. I know, for instance, that former Prime Minister
Mulroney's visit is not to be publicized." 

 That sounds like him too. But none of it explains how weird he's been
acting since he got back. 

 On the other hand, the man I'm looking at now is the person I love. He's
still rubbing my leg and it's not sex, it's comfort. He's looking in my
eyes with all the strength of his personality and it's forceful. I let out
a shaky breath and he gathers me up like I'm a kid. 

 He just holds me, stroking me, soothing me. God, how close did I come to
losing him forever? 

 "I love you," I whisper to him, right next to his ear and he hugs me
tighter. 

 "This is nice," he says. It almost sounds like it's new to him, which it
isn't. 

 We boff like bunnies a lot but we cuddle sometimes too. We both like
being together just touching and holding each other even if it it's not
going anywhere except to sleep. Not that sex isn't a great goal, I mean,
that's always a great place to go but this is different. 

 Anyway, we stay like that for a long time. He moves around a little to
get comfortable but he doesn't let go of me, or anything. I put my head on
his thigh and curl up and he strokes my hair and my shoulder while I hug
his leg. 

 "I'm sorry that I struck you, Ray. I think I am feeling more tense than I
realized." 

 "I know. I'm sorry I hit you too. I don't wanna be wailing on each
other." 

 "No, absolutely not." 

 "Good. So, no more hitting." 

 "Good." 

 We stay quiet then. I'm thinking about how nice it is to be like this and
I'm just about to fall asleep when my mind attacks me with the memory of
this morning. Fraser was out of control just a few hours ago. I can't help
the shiver that goes through me. 

 Fraser bends over me and the feel of being trapped is too much. I shove
myself away from him in one fast motion and stumble when my feet hit the
floor. 

 I can hear his voice but it sounds like a long way away. 

 The whole echoey, tunnelly thing just sort of stops once I get my balance
again. At first, I'm left with nothing. No sound is getting through.
Nothing seems real and it's like being dropped down a dark hole. And then
that goes away too. 

 Fraser is sitting on the bed, with his head cocked to one side, looking
at me like I'm something he's never seen before. Dief is scratching on the
closed door of the bedroom. 

 "Why is Dief locked out?" I ask, stupidly. 

 "He wanted to lick you and I thought you needed to rest." 

 "He doesn't like you." 

 "He's just being obstinate." 

 "You've been acting weird. Way weird. You're not acting like the freak I
know, you're..." 

 "I'm trying, Ray. I said I was sorry for hitting you." 

 "Not that, not that. This morning...last night...just...this morning. I'm
not playing that game." 

 "I was too aggressive. I didn't realize that you needed to initiate sex
but if that's how you want it I suppose..." 

 "What the hell are you talking about? This isn't about who gets to start
who. I can't believe you don't get that. We've been together awhile,
Fraser, and you've never acted like I was some tree knot you can use to
get off on." 

 He thinks about that. I can practically see him processing my words. And
it scares me. 

 "So, then, it is customary to practice proper preparation as well as
providing information of intent." 

 This is probably the closest I've come to really screaming since I was
ten years old. I take two steps towards him, no closer than I have to get,
grab my pillow off the bed and go into the living room. Dief whines and
licks my hand so I pet him. 

 A quick glance at the clock tells me it's night but it's too early to go
to bed. I throw the pillow on to the couch. I'm not hungry even though I
haven't eaten today. I grab my jacket out of the closet and take Dief with
me when I leave. I resist the urge to slam the door.  

 I don't have any place special that I want to go and for some reason my
car just drives itself over to Vecchio's mother's place. I don't want to
be there. I'm tired, I feel like crap and the last thing I need is an
argument. 

 Still, I open the door, swing my legs out and stand up. Just as quickly,
I stumble backward. Everything takes on a kind of tilt while I use the car
to stay on my feet. My legs feel rubbery and my hands feel numb. I'm
surprised when I hear a yell but I can't really focus on it. Then I'm
surprised when I have hands all over me, lifting me up, supporting me. I
have a crazy idea that it's Fraser because who else would bother but I
don't feel Fraser. I have a sixth sense about him. 

 "Okay, Kowalski, come on." Oh. It's Vecchio. 

 Getting helped by him sends a quick adrenaline rush through me so I mock
slap at his hands until he lets me go. Unfortunately my legs buckle again
and this time, he isn't fast enough to catch me. I land on my knees. 

 "I don't know what's wrong," I yell at him like it's his fault. 

 "Then stop fighting me and let me get you in the house. Tony, come here
and help." 

 Oh, this just gets better and better. Now I'm being rescued by Ray
Vecchio and his lazy brother-in-law. 

 I can't argue with the results though when I'm finally lying on the
Vecchio couch, embarrassed but glad to be off the ground. Diefenbaker is
licking my hand and whining. Mrs. Vecchio stops by, looks at me for a
moment and slaps a cold washcloth over my forehead. She puts her hands on
her ample hips and shakes her head. 

 "When did you last eat?" 

 "I'm not Italian, Mrs. Vecchio, I do not have to eat every..." 

 "Don't be a smart alec with me, young man. When did you last eat?" 

 "Have you eaten since I brought you that donut, Ray?" Frannie has come up
to stand beside her mother, mirroring her stance. 

 "Uh...maybe..." 

 "That was like eight o'clock yesterday morning, Ma. And I know he didn't
eat the day before." 

 "I been drinking coffee," I offer as an excuse, feeling like I've been
snitched on. 

 "And you wonder why you don't feel strong. I'll fix you a proper dinner."


 I don't feel hungry but I'm not so far gone that I don't realize I need
to eat. And even without the hunger, I'm grateful for the food. Apparently
Dief has decided he's starving too because he follows Mrs. Vecchio and
Frannie into the kitchen. 

 Vecchio opens a TV tray in front of the couch. He comes back a minute
later with a napkin and eating utensils. Then he tells me to sit up. While
I obey orders he disappears and then comes back with a glass of orange
juice and a glass of milk. The juice goes in my hand while the milk goes
on the tray. 

 I guzzle the juice and my body starts being happy for the change right
away. My stomach growls at the aroma of food and then the microwave dings.
Mrs. Vecchio must be re-heating whatever they had for dinner. 

 Frannie brings a large bowl of something that has hamburger, egg noodles
and vegetables all mixed together in some kind of cream sauce. 

 "Ma's hamburger casserole. It's good," she encourages me. 

 I'm surprised it's not spaghetti or ravioli or stuffed rigatoni but I'm
not complaining. It tastes wonderful. The more I eat, the more I want to
eat. It doesn't even bother me that Vecchio is sitting across from me with
his arms folded waiting for me to finish. 

 I gulp down the milk and finish the food and the effect is instantaneous.
I feel stronger, sated, clearer. I was starving and didn't even realize it
with all the insanity of the last few days. 

 Frannie turns up again and clears away my plate and now I'm embarrassed
again. 

 "You don't have to wait on me." 

 "You're company. Trust me...I do." 

 Once she left the room, Vecchio sat forward in his chair. 

 "So, how'd you let yourself get so run down?" 

 "I guess I was worried about Fraser." 

 "He's back, Kowalski. You should've eaten last night, this morning, some
time today. You had lots of opportunities to eat. But it's not just food
you're missing, is it? You looked like crap this afternoon and you still
do." 

 "It's a little stress. I'll be fine." I know I sound irritable which is
ungrateful as hell but I don't like the accusation in his voice. 

 "More than a little. You still think he's not acting right?" 

 "You spent the afternoon with him. Are you telling me you didn't see
anything wrong with him?" 

 Vecchio looked down at his hands and he didn't answer right away. 

 "You did? There was something wasn't there?" 

 "I don't know. There was something strange about him. Like...I don't
know." 

 I lean forward too fast and get hit by another dizzy spell but it passes
pretty quickly. 

 "Tell me." 

 "It's just...you didn't know Benny when he first came to Chicago." 

 "On the trail of the killers of his father," I add needlessly but it just
seems like you can't say the first part without the second. Vecchio glares
at me. 

 "Anyway. He was real formal for a while. Kind of stiff in the way he
talked. Always standing at attention. Everything was black and white for
him. Help the needy, arrest the guilty and God Save the Queen. But he
loosened up. The Fraser you know is a lot more relaxed and comfortable
with himself than the guy who showed up here." 

 I don't bother mentioning that I think Vecchio always made him feel like
he had to be formal. 

 "Today, he was more like that Fraser. But, I haven't seen him in a long
time so maybe I'm just remembering him different." 

 "No, I don't think so. He is like that again." 

 "He wasn't at the Consulate either. I passed him while I was driving
over. He was like half a block away and going in the other direction." 

 "Where was he heading?" 

 "He said the staff had everything all caught up so he was gonna go to the
store on the corner and grab a cab home from there." 

 "Well, that sounds possible. He says he has a good staff." 

 "Yeah, sure. But, the thing is...if it wasn't Benny...I would've thought
he was lying." 

 "Fraser doesn't lie." 

 "You thought he was lying this morning." 

 "I know...I know...it's just when you say it, it sounds worse." 

 Vecchio shakes his head at me before he turns to look out the window.
It's dark and empty on the street and there's a streetlight flickering. 

 "Where'd you get that bruise on your face?" He asks. 

 I don't answer. I can just see him picturing some kind of "gay" cat fight
going on like we're a couple of sissies slapping at each other and pulling
hair. It makes me mad before he has a chance to say anything. He figures
it out though. 

 "Why'd he hit you?" 

 "I hit him first." 

 It was true even if it did leave out some important information. 

 "I don't want you hitting him," Vecchio said and his tone is dark. 

 "Yeah, well, I don't want to either. Look, I love Fraser." 

 "Hey, keep your voice down. My ma is in the kitchen." 

 "We wouldn't want your mother to know about homosexuals, would we?" 

 "Kowalski, you came here, remember? I'm trying to help you." 

 He's right even if he is a narrowed minded bigot. 

 "The point I'm trying to make is that I would never do anything to hurt
Fraser. But there's something wrong here and when I pressed him for
information, he belted me. When I came to..." 

 "Wait a minute, he knocked you out?" 

 I just look at him. I mean, I just said that, right? 

 "You probably have a concussion or something. No wonder you're passing
out in the driveway." 

 "I don't have a concussion. I had hunger...and stress, maybe. The bonk on
the head was just a side show." 

 "Maybe I ought to take you to the hospital." 

 "Let it go, Vecchio. I'm fine. I'm just insane about Fraser and it's
making me a little shaky. Believe me, I'm as surprised as anybody. I'm
built for stress, you know? It's what I do." 

 "But Fraser's never been on the line before. Not like this, has he?" 

 "The last time he was, I drove a motorcycle through a glass window to get
to him. This past week, I couldn't do anything like that. It was the
helplessness, the not knowing, that did it. I held it together pretty good
though until...until he got back. But now that he's not acting right, it's
like...pushing me over the edge." 

 "Maybe now that he's back, your head is telling you it's okay to let go a
little. Frannie tells me you hardly slept or ate while he was missing.
Maybe now it's time to..." 

 "I didn't come here to get my head shrunk, Vecchio." 

 He takes a breath like he knows he has to put up with me but he doesn't
like it. I wonder if it's that whole company etiquette thing that Frannie
mentioned. 

 "Let me tell you what's going on, Kowalski and then you can get some
sleep and feel better because I can explain the whole thing right now." 

 I sit back, knowing that the explanation is going to be wrong but
figuring I should hear him out since I did come looking for help. 

 "Fraser just completed a stressful assignment. He was gone without a word
to anybody and now he's feeling his way back. He's nervous because he
knows that while he may have done his duty, he also did something wrong to
you and to the rest of us. You went crazy thinking he was dead or some
other terrible thing. You pushed yourself to the absolute limit. And now
that Fraser is back, you haven't caught up enough to let yourself relax.
You're still in emergency mode. So, what you have to do now, is let it go.
Let the last week settle into the past, thank God that Fraser is back and
move on. You have to make it okay for him to be back. Once you do that,
he'll stop acting weird." 

 That made more sense than I expected it to. I sit back again and the
exhaustion just kind of rolls over me. Vecchio is right. He has to be. 

 I look at him and find him looking at me. He's all serious and intense
waiting for me to do something. I don't know if he expects me to start
yelling or breaking things or trying to steal the silverware but his
attention is all on me. I shift around, uncomfortable with all the focus
and get to my feet. The food must be kicking in now because there's only a
little of the dizzy feeling left. 

 "Thanks for you help," I tell him and then I go into the kitchen. I thank
his mother for feeding me and I thank Frannie for serving me and call to
Dief who is licking his chops over something that was in a bowl nearby.
Vecchio stays close. He's hovering around me like a bee or something,
still waiting, I guess, for some reaction to what he said. 

 I go to the front door and turn around because I owe him that much. 

 "What you said...it made sense. I'm gonna go try it out on Fraser and see
if we can get past this." 

 He looks uncertain. "Good, I guess." 

 He still can't get used to his buddy being with me, but for him, that was
progress. Plus, I can't ignore that he jumped right in when I got here and
he didn't give me any grief about it. 

 "Thanks," I say as I leave. 

 "You all right to drive?" 

 "Sure. Two feet, one gearshift and pay attention to the multi-colored
lights. I think I got it." 

 "You ever thought of getting medicated, Stanley?" 

 I laugh that off. I think he was just kidding. I think.  

 It's late when we get home. I figure Fraser is gonna think I went out and
got plastered. I used to do that but I stopped it when I realized it
really bugged him. Now I drink almost as rarely as he does. Still, we
haven't had a day like today in...well, we've never had a day like today
so I can see why he'll be thinking the worst. 

 The apartment is dark when I go in so I'm careful because if he's
sleeping I don't want to wake him. Diefenbaker seems to get it too because
he doesn't just bound into the bedroom like he usually would. I ease my
way past the couch when I notice that he's made it up for me. There's a
sheet all tucked in to the cushions. The blanket and pillow I left are
waiting for me but they're all neat. 

 If I was still married to Stella, the bedding wouldn't be neat and the
message would be clear that she didn't want me near her. With Fraser, the
message is different. He made up the couch so I'd be comfortable if that's
where I wanted to sleep. But, he's also saying that he's taking care of me
and that he's not mad. 

 I grab the pillow and head into the bedroom. He's there, all tucked in,
looking warm and inviting so I make a quick stop in the bathroom, strip
down and crawl in next to him. He says something soft in his sleep and it
sounds like gibberish but then he pulls me close to him and I settle in
for the first decent sleep I've had in over a week.  

 The next morning comes with a tickle over my ribs and then a mouth waking
my dry tongue with some concentrated attention. I push into it, feeling
myself harden and feeling him hard and ready against my hip. His body is
pressing warm and firm against me while one hand is tugging at my hair,
maneuvering my mouth for access and the other hand is busily exploring my
side and hip. 

 Everything feels good so I take the initiative to find his cock. It's hot
against my hand, pushing into my palm while he makes nice happy noises
into my mouth. I still haven't opened my eyes but I start tugging with
some force that makes him moan in appreciation. His hips start moving,
almost massaging the inside of my hand while I stroke him into the abyss.
It doesn't take long before his body starts to stiffen and I know he's
about to surrender. I want him to. I open my eyes to get a good view of
his face while I pick up my pace. His head goes back exposing the long
column of his throat while he releases a satisfied groan warming my hand
and belly with his seed. 

 I ease him through it until he sort of collapses on top of me with his
head against my chest and his arms splayed out on either side. 

 He doesn't say anything or move for a long time. I almost laugh when I
think I must have killed him. But while I can give a hand job with the
best of them, I'm pretty sure he's not going to die from ecstasy over it.
Besides I can feel his chest moving with breath. Finally he starts to stir
which is good since we're both sticky and I'm still hard. Even if I wanted
to deal with that on my own, I can't do much with him covering me the way
he is. 

 He kisses me on the mouth. It's nice, kind of sweet with no tongue or
intent, then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

 Now, don't get me wrong, I like being there for him and it's nice to just
give him something sometimes. But it isn't like him to leave me undone and
that starts me thinking that he's acting weird again. I jerk myself off,
quickly and efficiently and without much satisfaction. Not quite the way I
was hoping that would happen. 

 Then I wait for him to come out of the bathroom. He's naked when he shows
up which sparks just a little interest but he just kisses me fast and
tells me he'll prepare breakfast. He slips into his RCMP sweats that he
left hanging on a hook in the closet and then he takes one of my white
t-shirts out of a drawer. The shirt is a little snug but not as much as
you'd think. 

 Fraser leaves the bedroom and for the first time I notice that Dief
doesn't go with him. Dief is sitting on my side of the bed looking lost.
He's not even asking to go out. I pat his head on the way to the bathroom
where I wash Fraser off me in a quick shower. Then I get dressed smelling
toast and eggs from the kitchen. My stomach growls, which I take as a good
sign. Dief is standing up, wagging his tail, clearly hoping I'll walk him
so I assure him that's my plan. 

 I tell Fraser what we're doing. He thanks me and tells me to hurry since
breakfast is ready. 

 I have to admit while I'm heading out, it all seems pretty normal. I
usually walk the wolf a few times a week. Fraser and I do split the
cooking duty. Fraser almost always showers first because I like to laze
around in bed for half an hour before I start getting ready. 

 By the time I'm climbing up the stairs I decide again that Vecchio was
right. All Fraser and I need are a few days of normalcy and then we'll be
back on track. Stress is an ugly thing but once you get a handle on it,
you can start beating it back. 

 Dief whines at me when I open the door so I just pat his head again
hoping I can ease some of his worry too. 

 Fraser is already sitting at the table. He has two plates of food out and
even if he's sitting in my usual place, it all looks pretty normal. I sit
down across from him and pick up my fork but just before I lift it, he
puts his hand over my wrist. It's not tight or painful but there's enough
pressure that I'd have to push back to start eating. 

 "Ray Vecchio phoned." 

 "Okay," I say warily. 

 "He wanted to make sure you arrived home safely." 

 "What's going on, Fraser?" 

 He lets go of my wrist. 

 "You went to see him last night?" 

 "Yep." 

 "And what did you tell him?" 

 "Well, after I collapsed on his front lawn and his family figured out I
was half-starved, I told him that I was worried about you." 

 "What else?" 

 See, there goes the tilt again. It's like being in LA during an
earthquake, which I can tell you is spooky as hell when the ground starts
shaking. 

 "Did you hear what I said?" I ask him because my Mountie would be all
overprotective and mothering right now until I got mad about it. This guy,
the un-Mountie is still looking at me like he wants to hit me again. 

 "I heard you. You're a grown man, you know how to feed yourself. Now,
tell me what else the two of you discussed." 

 So much for normal. 

 "Vecchio thinks we're both over-stressed and we're both acting wrong and
if I just relax, then you will too and everything will be okay. And up
until right now I thought he had something. I'm going to work." 

 I leave him staring at me with that scary anger on his face. My appetite
is officially dead along with my optimism. Dief whines his agreement with
me. 

 I go in the bedroom, change into work clothes and get out of there. I'm
almost afraid to hang around too long but I'm confused and worried too and
I don't know what to do to make it right. So, I just leave without a word
to him about how he's going to get to work or anything else. For his part,
he stays at the table and doesn't look my way. 

 I get to the station about a half-hour ahead of time. Frannie is already
there, puttering around with some files. She got promoted a while back and
now she doesn't just handle our office. With the extra work, she puts in a
lot of extra hours. 

 I take one look at her and head to the cafeteria where I get a couple
danish out of the machine and some coffee. I make sure she sees the food
when I tell her good morning and then I head to my desk to start going
through all the stuff that hasn't gotten attention since the day Fraser
disappeared. 

 I spend most of the morning on the phone making follow-up calls. It's
busy work that keeps my mind off everything else. I barely pay attention
as the room fills with all the other detectives and staff. Welsh just
grunts at me when he comes in. He's still not happy with Fraser but then
again, who is? 

 I'm surprised when Frannie taps me on the shoulder. She tells me it's
1:30. 

 "Go get lunch. We haven't seen anything but the top of your head all
morning." 

 My stomach growls on cue. 

 "Thanks. I'll be gone an hour, okay?" Before she can answer, Welsh is
bellowing at me from his office. "Or not," I say. 

 I go into Welsh's office where he pushes back in his chair. He folds his
hands over his substantial belly before he talks. 

 "What's going on, Kowalski?" 

 That surprises me. I've been keeping my head down, working like a fiend
all morning, what did I do to get attention? 

 "What do you mean, Lieutenant?" 

 "You've had your head down all day...working on paperwork. When you do
look up you're sporting a bruise. So, what gives? I hate to look a gift
horse in the mouth but I like to at least pay attention when my detectives
start exhibiting alien behavior." 

 Oh. 

 "Oh. I'm just trying to get caught up. I let a lot of stuff slide during
the Fraser search so I figure I owe some paperwork time. And the bruise is
nothing. Just ran into something. It was stupid." 

 Welsh sits forward to get a closer look at me. He places his open palms
on the top of the desk. It's a weird feeling to be studied like that,
especially when it's your boss. 

 "Okay," he says, finally. "You don't want to talk about personal, I can
live with that. Right now it's not affecting your work except in the best
possible way. But if you're having problems, maybe you ought to talk to
somebody." 

 I'd like to, I think. But the person I talk to is Fraser. 

 "Thanks, Lieutenant." 

 I give him a smile just so he knows I'm okay but it feels flat and from
the look on his face I know he doesn't buy it for a second. But he doesn't
stop me either.  

 I yell to Frannie that I'm leaving now and head out to the parking lot.
There's a sub shop across the street so I cross against traffic earning a
lot of beeping horns in the process. I get to the door at the same time as
a good looking couple, so I hold the door open for them, then follow them
in. 

 The man has short hair, it's dark blond or light brown or whatever the
hell you'd call it. He's wearing sort of owlish looking glasses but they
work for him. The woman is pretty with short hair too but hers is much
lighter and definitely blond. I notice she's looking around, checking out
the corners of the place, just like I do whenever I go somewhere. It's
second nature. I figure maybe she's a cop or she's just paranoid. They're
both good looking but it's the guy that's pressing my buttons. I may be
with Fraser but I'm not dead. 

 I go up to the front counter because they're still deciding. Manny is
taking orders, which is good because he knows how I like my sandwiches. 

 "Hey, Manny." 

 "Hey, Ray, you want the Philly cheese steak today? Lots of onions." 

 "Yeah and a couple bags of chips too and a Coke. Make it the whole one,
will ya? I might need the rest if I'm working late tonight." 

 "No problem. It's $8.95." 

 I hand him the nine dollars and go wait to the side for the food. The
shop smells good with the onions and peppers cooking on the back grill,
the marinara simmering in a pot and the aroma of fresh bread from the big
metal ovens. 

 The couple still isn't ordering. Manny watches them for a bit then he
goes in the back to start my order. 

 I catch the guy looking at me. He looks away real quick but all three of
us are acutely aware of each other now. I am really hoping they aren't
looking for a threesome or a hostage. 

 Must be they're not because they talk a little between themselves and
leave the restaurant. 

 "You know those two?" I ask Manny. 

 "No. They stopped in yesterday and stayed for lunch but that was the
first time I saw them. Must be they changed their minds today." 

 My sandwich comes up and I take it and the rest with me back across the
street to my car. I sit on the hood and spread out a napkin next to me to
put the drink on. There's no point in getting a water ring on the paint.
It's too nice out to eat inside and too much trouble to drive to the park
so I make do right there. I eat half the sandwich and wrap up the rest.
Then I plow through both bags of chips. It doesn't take long to inhale all
of it. Must be I'm still catching up on the missing calories. Once I'm
done, I head back upstairs to finish out the afternoon. 

 At the end of the day I make a list of things to do tomorrow. I'll have
to be out of the office most of the time doing interviews and follow up
stuff so I'm hoping it's going to be nice like it was today. Welsh passes
me as he leaves for the day, which catches my attention because he almost
never leaves before the rest of us. 

 "Pack it in, Kowalski, you look like shit." 

 Gee, thanks boss. 

 I do what he says though. I was heading that way anyway. 

 A part of me doesn't want to go home. I don't know what'll be waiting for
me when I get there. Scary Fraser. Normal Fraser. No Fraser. I have no
idea. He didn't call me all day. I didn't call him either. It's a
crapshoot at this point trying to guess what will be there. 

 I make a decision while I'm driving. I decide that I'm not going to let
this happen anymore. Me and Fraser are going to talk this through, get it
all out in the open and hopefully figure out what's going on with him. I'm
not some delicate flower for God's Sakes, so what if he got a little
rough, that's one of the hazards of intimacy, right? I refuse to be afraid
of Fraser. 

 I put the key in the lock, armed with my new determination and ready to
talk. Unfortunately the apartment is empty. Damn. I take off my holster
and take care of my gun then I go in the kitchen to decide what we're
having for dinner. Usually we call each other but since we were acting
like children we didn't do that today. 

 I hear the scrape of his key before Diefenbaker bounds into the living
room. He sniffs me out right away then he starts pacing back and forth in
front of me. Dief has my attention so it takes a second before I look up
to find Fraser standing in the doorway glaring at both of us. 

 "You are spoiling him," he says to me. "And you are going back to
Canada," he says to Dief. 

 "What'd he do this time?" I ask, knowing that Fraser is always
threatening to ship Diefenbaker home. 

 "He is rude, willful and lazy. I won't put up with it any longer. I
phoned Sgt. Frobisher earlier and he is willing to take on the
responsibility." 

 I crouch down without thinking, putting one arm around Dief's neck. 

 "You did what?" 

 "I've had it, Ray. I don't care that he saved my life. I've more than
paid him back for that. I will not have a disrespectful wolf trailing my
every move." 

 "Come on, Fraser, you're mad right now but he's your best friend. You're
not sending him away." 

 "The arrangements have already been made. He'll ship out on Friday." 

 My heart is thudding painfully. He can't mean that. 

 "Fraser, this is Diefenbaker. Your companion. Your friend." 

 "He's become a pet. Mostly due to your interference. He can go back to
the wild and learn to be a wolf." 

 "Hey, you are not blaming me for your stupid idea." I stand up. "You are
not sending him anywhere." 

 "It's not your decision, Ray." 

 He walks away from me towards the bedroom while he loosens his uniform to
take it off. Dief whines. 

 "Don't worry." I pat him on the head before I follow Fraser. 

 He's out of the red tunic and standing in front of the closet in his
white t-shirt and suspenders and jodhpurs. He doesn't turn to look at me
but I know he knows I'm there. Those bat ears don't miss anything. 

 "It affects me. Dief is my friend too. If you don't want to take care of
him, then I will until you come to your senses and realize what an ass
you're being." 

 "That is not acceptable. He's just a dog, Ray." 

 "He's not just anything. He's our friend, our partner. He is as much a
part of this duet as we are." 

 "Duets don't include three parties." 

 "Do not do that, Fraser, I'm serious here." 

 "As am I." 

 He still hasn't turned around. This talk isn't important enough to him to
stop him from looking through the closet for a change of clothes. 

 "I'm calling Frobisher and telling him to forget about it. Dief is
staying with me." 

 "You're as willful as he is," Fraser says as he turns around. His eyes
are dark and his stance is dangerous. If he were a perp, I'd be reaching
for my gun. 

 "Do you have any idea how condescending that sounds?" 

 "Ray, I am smarter than you, stronger than you and more disciplined than
you. In my world, this conversation wouldn't even exist. You wouldn't
dare." 

 I let the jab of pain at his words go by. It's not like he's wrong, it's
just not like him to say it out loud. I focus on the second part. 

 "What the hell are you talking about? People don't argue in Canada?" 

 He almost laughs. I see the flicker in his eyes. 

 "You are interesting," he says. 

 "When you're stupid and weak, you gotta make up somewhere." 

 This time he does laugh as he strips off his clothes to change into jeans
and a t-shirt. He hangs the uniform up as carefully as always while I sit
on the bed to wait for him to finish. My cock gives a little twitch to
remind me that half-dressed Fraser usually means full nudity and lots more
fun. It makes me sad to think about that. 

 "I love you, Ben. Even when you're acting crazy." 

 I almost never use his first name so when I do I always have his
attention. This is no exception. Except he doesn't give me his warm, I
love you too look. He gives me the new, I may have to strangle you in your
sleep, look. 

 "I'm not insane, Ray. I wish you'd stop saying that I am." 

 "Then you don't think you're acting a little bit nuts here? Using me like
a toy you can leave behind, hitting me, threatening to deport Dief, none
of this sounds off to you?" 

 "I've been out of sorts and I've apologized, what more do you want?" 

 "I want you, Fraser, back the way you were. Whatever happened to you
while you were gone we can work through but I need some assurance that
when it's all over, you'll be some version of you that I can recognize.
Right now, I'm living with a clone that's sporting a bad temper and no
manners." 

 "And I am living with someone whose suspicions are leading him to go
behind my back at every turn." 

 "That's not fair. I talked to Vecchio because I had to talk to somebody
and he's your friend." 

 "Yes, he trusts me, something you can't manage apparently." 

 Okay, that was a cheap shot. I recognize it from all those fights with
Stella before we broke up. He's trying to hurt me just for the sake of it.
That makes me realize that I'm sitting here trying to defend myself when
he's the one who's nuts. 

 "You know what, Fraser, forget it. You want to make this all about me,
then go ahead." 

 I stand up and he catches my wrist. At first he just pulls on it to keep
me in one place but a second later he's squeezing hard enough to make me
wince. My first instinct is to plow him one but I don't do it. I stop
pulling back instead and set my feet apart for balance. 

 "Let go, Fraser." 

 "You can't go on being disrespectful, Ray." 

 "Let me go or I'm gonna punch you. I swear to God, Fraser, I will punch
you." 

 "Hardly a new experience." 

 "Goddammit, Fraser, let go of me right now." 

 He hesitates about a fraction of a second, which gives me time to bunch
up my other fist and then physically stop myself from swinging. It gives
him time to make a decision of his own. In the span of a heartbeat I'm
lying flat on my back on the floor and he's kneeling around me. I shove at
his chest as hard as I can but he's still got one of my hands and all his
weight is settled on my stomach. It's hard to breathe, but not impossible.
I throw my whole self into getting him off me, flailing, kicking, whatever
it takes. I get one good shot at his face that lands before he grabs my
other wrist and pushes both my hands over my head. Now his weight is more
forward so my legs are freer but it's even harder to breathe. I try to
knee him in the back but there's no leverage or balance. It doesn't take
long before I realize that fighting him like this isn't going to get me
anywhere so I stop. He stays on me keeping the grip on my wrists while he
gets more comfortable on top of me. He's laid on me a hundred times but
it's never felt this suffocating. 

 "That's right, Ray, relax. You know I won't hurt you." 

 That's a laugh. I stopped knowing that yesterday. I don't say anything
while I get my breath back. 

 "Being away made me realize how rarely you show respect to me, Ray. All I
want is to rectify that." 

 My mind is screaming but I stay quiet, simmering to myself. I don't have
a clue to what he's talking about but I am rapidly deciding he's slipped
his nut. I can also feel his cock hardening against my abdomen. 

 "Now, we have rules, Ray and as long as we both follow them, then we can
be happy together just like we were. That's what we want, isn't it?" 

 I can't answer over the rock in my throat. 

 "Isn't it?" He asks again more insistently. 

 "Yeah...sure," I push out. 

 "Then all you have to do is keep our...issues...between us, let me guide
you in our day to day life and stop questioning everything I do. Can you
do that for me?" 

 "I...I need you to do something for me first." 

 He sighs before he looks towards the closed bedroom door. I follow his
eyes as best I can and wish I hadn't shut that because I could really use
some Dief-style backup right now. He looks back at me but there's nothing
of Fraser in his face. 

 "All right," he says finally but he doesn't ease up his grip at all.
"What do you want?" 

 "I want you to look at me and look at you for a second. Just take a good,
hard look at what we're doing." 

 That's about it for the air supply so I'm really hoping I got through.
Please, please, please, hear what I'm saying; see what I'm seeing. 

 He takes a moment to look around us. He looks down at me, probably
turning blue by now, at his grip on my arms that's going to leave
remarkable bruises, at the closed door where I can hear Dief sniffing. 

 "This is a bit unusual," he says but doesn't loosen his grip or ease off
my chest. 

 "Yeah," I agree. 

 "You're more accustomed to an equal relationship, I suppose." 

 He seems to think about that while I try to stay focused even though
things are getting gray around the edges. I don't know what he wants me to
say now or even if I could say anything. 

 "Understood." 

 Just as abruptly as he threw me down he gets off. I suck air in until I'm
coughing with the effort and turn over on to my side to keep from choking.
Fraser steps around me and opens the door. I feel Dief's nose against my
cheek while he sniffs at me. He whines but I don't know if he's chewing
out Fraser or expressing sympathy for me or maybe he just wants a snack. 

 "I'll prepare dinner," Fraser says like it's normal to have me wheezing
on the floor with throbbing wrists and a headache from lack of oxygen. 

 Dief whines again as I get myself to my knees and then use the bed to get
to my feet. 

 "I know," I tell him. And I do. I just don't know what to do about it. 

 I sit on the bed for a few minutes while I try to decide what to do next.
What do you do when your lover goes nuts? 

 I can't pull a gun on Fraser. I can't call the cops either. If I call
Vecchio, I'll get more psychobabble because he can't imagine that Fraser
would do anything bad. I can't call an ambulance because there's no way to
explain this to anybody and get them to help. And I don't want to hurt him
or his career by doing that anyway. 

 He's in the kitchen when I come out. He waves an oven mitt at me. 

 "Dinner will just be a moment." 

 I must have been thinking longer than I thought, a lot longer from the
looks of the bruises coming up on my wrists. 

 "What're we having?" I sound stupid to myself. 

 "Lemon chicken and baked potatoes with green beans." 

 "Sounds good." 

 I wonder if he can hear the huskiness in my voice. My throat feels like
sandpaper. 

 "Are you feeling all right, Ray? You sound hoarse." 

 "I was having trouble breathing before." 

 "Oh. Yes, I suppose that would be expected. Well, fear not, you'll likely
feel better in the morning." 

 "Probably." 

 "You know, Ray, I was thinking, I liked the way you felt beneath me
before. You probably noticed my interest." 

 "No." I'm lying but I have to because it's making me sick thinking about
it. 

 "I'd like to try tying you up tonight for sex. It'll be an interesting
experiment. I think it'll be most exciting." 

 "No, Fraser." 

 My heart is thudding relentlessly. 

 "No?" 

 "No, absolutely not. No way in hell. Not in this lifetime. That's not
happening for any reason." 

 "Well, we'll discuss it later. Are you ready to eat?" 

 I bark out a laugh at the absurdity of all this. It sounds too close to
hysterical so I grab my jacket off the back of a chair. 

 "I'm not hungry," I tell him. "I'm going for a walk." 

 "Don't be gone long." 

 Dief doesn't wait to be asked. He follows me out the door. I can't
breathe while I crouch in the corner of the square box, both arms folded
around my middle. Dief keeps nudging me in concern but I can't reach out
to him. If I let go of myself I'm going to fly apart.  

 I didn't go home last night. Dief and I camped out at a Motel 6 where he
roamed around restlessly and I fought my battles in my head. Awful, vivid
dreams kept thrusting me violently out of sleep so by morning, I feel like
crap. 

 I don't have clean clothes but at least I have a shower so I scrub off
and head into work, taking Dief with me. I can't leave him at the hotel
and if I take him home, Fraser will have him on the first plane out of the
city. When people ask about Fraser I'll just tell them he's entertaining
some bigwigs at the Consulate. 

 I'm hoping nobody asks about the purple rings around my wrists. I can
wear my jacket in the office, it's always cold in there anyway and I'm not
going to be in the station most of the day. 

 I'm trying real hard not to think too much because I still don't know
what to do. If I take official action, I'll ruin his career. If I don't do
anything then I could be letting a dangerous cop on the streets. Except
this is Fraser. And despite everything, I can't believe he's a loose
cannon. 

 Plus there's Fraser and me. A few bad days don't mean I don't love him. I
know there's got to be something wrong with him. But what? And how do I
fix it? Maybe it'll fix itself. That's possible. 

 Yeah, right. And the abject evil he's been flashing out of those stormy
grays is my imagination. 

 Luckily there're only a few people around the station before I'm ready to
go to work. Even Welsh is out for some breakfast meeting with the Chief of
Police. Frannie is the only one that stops me for more than a minute and
that's just to remind me to eat. She tells me I look like I'm ready to
pass out again. 

 I get to my car feeling relieved and determined to get some work done and
get a plan of action for Fraser. Maybe I should just kidnap him and force
him to see a shrink. 

 My first interview takes longer than I wanted it to. But you can't rush
an 80-year old widow when she's talking about her loser grandson. It took
almost a whole box of Kleenex and two pots of coffee before I felt like I
could leave her alone. 

 It's near eleven by the time I leave her dingy apartment so I decide to
take Frannie's advice and get some food. Dief agrees wholeheartedly with
my decision. And he earned lunch by letting the old lady coddle him. I
don't usually eat at Manny's more than once a week but his food is
reasonable and plentiful and he doesn't mind Dief hanging with me. 

 I park in the station parking lot so we can walk across the street. After
lunch we have to go up to the bullpen to get an address off my desk. The
traffic is heavy enough that we go the extra half block to cross at the
light. I don't bother usually but I don't want Dief to get hit. 

 The air is cold but not freezing so it's a nice short walk for us. I open
the door to let Dief in first and stop short when I see the couple from
yesterday standing there. The woman is handing money to Manny but she
looks around when she hears the door. We make eye contact this time and
there's no mistaking that she's alarmed to see me again. 

 The guy shrugs at her then leads the procession towards me while I shake
loose in case I need to draw my gun in a hurry. 

 "It's all right, Detective Kowalski, we just want to talk to you," the
woman says. So, okay, she is a cop because nobody else would've noticed me
getting ready. Dief doesn't care what she is since she's female. He sniffs
at her at sits down looking needy. She shows him her hand and then pats
his head. 

 "How do you know I'm a cop?" I ask. 

 "We've been observing you for a couple of days," the man says. 

 "For what?" Now, I'm getting creeped out. 

 "Everything all right, Ray?" Manny asks and I can see him coming from
behind the counter. 

 "We just want to talk to you," the man says all earnest like he needs me
to believe him. 

 "I don't know yet, hang loose, okay?" I tell Manny. He nods and goes back
behind the counter to watch us. 

 "Maybe we could sit down," the woman says. 

 The man nods towards a table to sort of back up his companion. 

 "How about you tell me what's going on first, then we can get chummy." 

 "It's about Constable Fraser. I'm Doctor Daniel Jackson and this is Major
Samantha Carter with the Air Force." 

 I ignore the titles and the weight Jackson thought it would carry. 

 "What does the Air Force know about Fraser?" 

 "We'd like to discuss that with you but we'd rather not do it standing in
the middle of the room. It is important." Jackson says. 

 Okay, they won't talk to me unless we're sitting. I can do sitting. 

 "Fine, over here." 

 "Thank you," Jackson says. 

 "Your sandwiches are up," Manny says. "You want anything, Ray?" 

 "Not right now." 

 Carter retrieves their food off the counter. I watch her to make sure she
doesn't try anything since right now, all I have is their word and
Fraser's name. 

 "You sure everything is okay?" Manny asks me as soon as Carter gets back
to the table. 

 "I think so but keep your eyes open." 

 Carter hands Jackson his sandwich. Jackson rips into it like he hasn't
seen food in a week. He notices me noticing. 

 "Oh, sorry," he says, "We didn't have time for breakfast. Would you like
something?" 

 "Not right now." 

 Their lunch should smell good but the aroma is making me nauseous. Dief
isn't having any problems though while Carter slips him some roast beef
off her roll. 

 Jackson leans forward on the table scowling when he gets somebody's
leftover mustard on his sleeve. While he's pulling napkins out of the
dispenser, he says, 

 "We think Constable Fraser may be working with a friend of ours. Our
friend has been missing and we'd like very much to find him." 

 "How long has your friend been gone?" 

 "Almost two weeks." 

 Okay. Fraser was missing. Now he's back. But he was gone while their guy
was gone and that's a big coincidence. 

 "Has Constable Fraser introduced you to anyone? Or...or had someone
hanging around that you don't know?" Jackson asks. 

 "Nobody." 

 "We're very concerned about our friend," Carter says. "Has the Constable
spoken to you about anyone new. Maybe someone you haven't met yet." 

 "Why are you worried? And why would Fraser know about him?" 

 Jackson looks at Carter who shrugs at him. "We're worried because he was
sick when he disappeared," he says. 

 "Like the flu?" 

 "No, not like the flu." 

 "The problem, Detective, is that it isn't the flu but it is contagious.
We have a vaccine but we have to find him to give it to him," Carter says.


 "How contagious?" I think a second. "How dangerous is this?" 

 "The...contagion is completely curable," Carter says. "And it's not
easily transferred. We're not concerned on that level but we would like to
find him since the...virus is making him ill." 

 I hold up my hands. 

 "Okay, just wait a minute," I say. "I'm sorry about your friend. You
should file a missing persons if you haven't already. And I can recommend
a P.I. if that's what you need. But, tell me what this has to do with
Fraser." 

 "Constable Fraser and our friend know each other and we think he may have
come here to contact him." 

 "What's your friend's name?" 

 "Jack O'Neill," Jackson says. 

 I shake my head. The name doesn't mean anything to me. If he and Fraser
are buddies, I'd be real surprised. 

 "Let me ask you something else," Jackson says. "Has Constable Fraser been
acting out of character? Have you seen any sort of extreme behavior?" 

 "He's Canadian. He's been acting strange since we met." 

 Jackson smiles at that. "Yes, but...has there been anything more than
what you're used to?" 

 I hold my breath for a second just to calm down and decide that I am not
answering to these two. They're strangers and I've never trusted
government types anyway. And if this Carter chick is really Air Force,
then where's her uniform? 

 "Why would you ask that?" 

 "Then he hasn't been himself, has he, Detective?" Carter asks. 

 "I'm done talking to you two." 

 I get up and shove my chair back. Diefenbaker follows my lead. Jackson
and Carter jump up too but I can see the different reasons. Jackson wants
to reason with me while Carter is afraid I'm gonna start swinging. I turn
my back on the both of them and head out the door with Dief at my heel.
Jackson catches me with a hand on my arm. 

 "Please, we can help, but you have to tell us the truth." 

 I shove him off me without thinking. He stumbles backward into Carter who
catches him like she's been trained in the job. He outweighs her though
and the stumble back a couple of steps and that gives me time to get out
the door. 

 For a second I feel guilty for knocking around a civilian. Then Carter is
out the door and grabbing my arm. Dief growls at her and starts shoving
his way in between us. 

 "Please call him off," Carter says, looking worried. 

 "Let go of me." I could probably shake loose but I think Dief might take
that for aggression and if Carter is military then Dief could find himself
on the wrong end of a needle if he bites her. 

 Carter sees the situation too and lets go. 

 "We aren't finished," she says. "Why don't you stop acting like a five
year old and tell us what's really going on." 

 "You first," I say before I start to cross the street. I don't bother
going down to the light. Dief is smart enough not to get hit. 

 "Understand me, Detective, we'd like your cooperation but we don't need
it." 

 That stops me. Which turns out to be a bad thing because it doesn't stop
the car that's heading towards me. I hear the horn and turn just in time
to get walloped. I don't know if I actually take flight but when I do stop
moving, my hip is throbbing in counterpoint to the absolute numbness in my
leg. 

 I try to get up right away but there're hands keeping me down and telling
me to relax and a cold nose in my ear. I guess I was right about the wolf
being too smart to get hit. 

 "He came out of nowhere," some guy says, must be the driver. I don't know
which accident he was in but I was standing dead center in the street for
seconds before he hit me. I did not dart out of nowhere. 

 "Do you need a doctor?" Jackson asks me, his face full of concern. It
strikes me that he's probably a nice guy when he's not playing hide the
truth. 

 "Thought you were a doctor." 

 "Of Archeology," he says with an embarrassed smile. It's a nice smile.
Like I said, committed, not dead. 

 "Just help me get out of the street, will ya? Nothing's broken and I
don't think I'm bleeding." 

 "You should wait for an ambulance," Carter says. 

 "I don't need an ambulance. You gonna help me up or not?" 

 Jackson and Carter lift me up, which doesn't make my leg happy but what
choice do I have if I don't want to lay in the street. It kind of reminds
me of Vecchio and his brother-in-law hauling me around. That does not make
me feel any better. They set me down next to Manny's with my back against
the wall while I wait for the feeling to come back into my leg, which it's
doing with a vengeance. Next thing I know I have a uniform cop and Manny
standing over me. 

 "You all right, Kowalski? You want Fire out here?" 

 "No, thanks, Dombrowski. It's just gonna be a big bruise." 

 "You sure? I saw it from the parking lot and you got hit pretty hard." 

 "I'm sure, just get the statement from the driver, will ya?" 

 Dombrowski pats my shoulder and heads over to where his partner is
questioning the driver. I watch Williams point out a couple standing a few
yards away and figure they must be witnesses because Dombrowski goes over
to them next. Manny kneels down beside me. 

 "They push you?" He asks, nodding towards Jackson and Carter. 

 Both of them get wide-eyed for a second but I shake my head. 

 "No, it was just an accident. Thanks for watching though." 

 He nods at me, pats my shoulder and goes back inside his restaurant. 

 Jackson crouches down next to me. "You sure you don't want a doctor?" 

 "Yeah, maybe I do. You got somebody with a music degree hanging around?" 

 He laughs which makes me sorry again that I shoved him. 

 "Major Carter's got a doctorate in astrophysics," he says. 

 We get quiet while the cops finish their routine and I rub at the pain in
my leg. 

 "I don't want Fraser to go away," I tell him in a voice barely above a
whisper. I don't know why I say that out loud. 

 He puts a hand on my shoulder meeting my eyes with his own. "No one wants
that. But we have to make sure he's okay." 

 "And you have to find your friend." 

 "He's just as important to me as Fraser is to you," he says. 

 I get that right away. He's telling me without saying it. 

 "He hasn't been himself, has he?" 

 "You could say that." 

 I shake my head. Admitting to it makes me tired. And sad. Jackson takes
off his jacket and drapes it over my lap before he sits next to me. 

 "I don't want you going into shock." 

 Carter is with Dombrowski and Williams. She's making hand motions like
she's explaining her version of the accident. 

 "You and O'Neill, you don't get any flack from the Air Force?" I ask
Jackson. 

 He ducks his head and a little before he looks at me over the top of his
glasses. 

 "Don't ask, don't tell," he answers. "It's not an issue for me anyway
since I'm a civilian. Jack has more at risk since he's a colonel. Plus, we
argue constantly, we almost never have a civil conversation at the base.
Who would think we're together?" 

 "Huh," I say, mulling that over. "Me and Fraser don't fight that much. We
don't agree on how to handle our cases a lot but that's just business." 

 He nods and looks over at Carter with a real smile before he looks back
at me. 

 "She'd write the reports for them if she could," he commented. "So, are
you ready to tell me about Constable Fraser?" 

 I push the air out of my lungs and rub my leg hoping the ease some of the
throbbing. 

 "Let's finish up here first. Then we can go into Manny's or someplace
else and talk. I want to know what you know and I gotta tell my lieutenant
about the accident. You want to help me up?" 

 Jackson scrambles to his feet, then he gives me a hand, steadying me when
my leg protests. I have to admit, the pain isn't as bad as I expected so
I'm hoping the bruise won't be either. 

 I hobble over to the street to have a quick conversation with Dombrowski
and Williams. They assure me they'll put the report together. The driver
that hit me looks like he's going to faint when he finds out I'm a cop. I
let him stay worried. The idiot almost killed me. I cross the street on my
own power but Jackson and Carter keep a close eye. Dief follows along too,
mostly flirting with Carter. Apparently, he's forgiven her for grabbing me
earlier. 

 The two of them come with me into the bullpen where Welsh spots me and
curses as he comes around his desk and out of his office. Frannie is all
over me but she's eyeing Daniel Jackson while she's doing it. Only Frannie
could flirt and play Florence Nightingale at the same time. The other
detectives in the room stand back to watch the show. 

 I spend the next twenty minutes explaining that I'm an idiot and that's
how I got hit before I can get Welsh into his office alone. Once we're in
there, I tell him that Jackson and Carter are with the Air Force and they
know something about Fraser's disappearance. He doesn't want me to go with
them but I insist and he finally gives in. 

 As we're coming back out, we watch Frannie hand Jackson her new business
card. She bought them herself with Welsh's okay because she said people
respect her more if she has a business card. 

 "You should go to the hospital, Kowalski," Welsh says. 

 "It's a bruise, sir. I'm not going to any hospital over a bruise." 

 "God, men have more testosterone than sense," Frannie said. "You got hit
by a car, Ray. Lots of people see doctors when they get hit by cars." 

 "Jackson is a doctor." 

 "Really," she purrs. "Don't lose that card, Doctor Jackson." She
emphasizes the doctor and he smiles at her with an expression that mirrors
the way Fraser used to look at her. 

 Welsh just shakes his head because he heard the part about Archeology and
Frannie obviously didn't. 

 "Okay, that's enough," Carter says. "We should get you home." 

 I'm still limping but the more I move, the more I can move. Jackson and
Carter follow me down the hall and back into the parking lot. 

 "Where do you want to go?" Jackson asks. 

 "Home," I say. "Fraser is at the Consulate so we'll have plenty of
privacy to talk about all this." 

 "I'll drive," I say just as Carter says the same thing. 

 "Is your car an automatic or a stick shift?" Jackson asks reasonably. 

 "Stick." 

 "Then you have a clutch. Sam should drive, shouldn't she?" 

 Damn. 

 "And it might be easier if I followed in your car." 

 Double damn. 

 "Hey, nobody drives my car but me. My dad and I practically built it from
the ground up. We painted it half a dozen times just to get the color
right." 

 "It's a car, Detective. Give him the keys or we're just gonna have to
come all the way back here to get it," Carter says. 

 I stop and look at Carter. She has the grace to look embarrassed about
trying to give me orders. 

 "It would make more sense for Daniel to follow us," she says more softly.


 "I'm not in the army, Major and I don't respond real well to authority." 

 "I'm not in the army either," she counters. "Now, are you gonna make us
come back here and pick up a car you probably can't drive or are you just
going to give up the keys?" 

 "Make you come back," I tell her just to be difficult. She rolls her eyes
and waits. I take my keys out and hand them over to Jackson. 

 "But, I'm riding with him." 

 "Fine," she says. "I'll follow you." 

 I limp over to my car and soon Jackson is unlocking my side first and
letting me in. Dief jumps in the backseat then I get in the front. It's a
relief to get off my leg again. Jackson fiddles around outside for a
moment before he slides in behind the wheel. 

 "Which side is the clutch?" He asks while Dief licks his ear. He reaches
back and pats him on the head. 

 "That's it. There is no way you are going to..." 

 "Kidding, Ray, relax." He laughs as he starts the engine. Funny guy. 

 "I knew that," I say. 

 We both look over when Carter taps on the driver's side window. Jackson
rolls down the glass. 

 "General Hammond just called. They have some new information about the,
uh, virus and he wants me on conference with Janet." 

 "We can't just go back to the base, Sam. He's here, I know he is." 

 "I know that. I think so too. But I have to take this call before we go
any further." 

 "Why don't you go do that and then meet us at Ray's apartment as soon as
you can." He turns to me. "When will Fraser come home from the Consulate?"


 "He gets off at 5:30." 

 "See, it's perfect, Sam. It's only 3:45 now so you can go get the
information and do whatever military thing you need to do while I talk to
Ray. Then you can meet us at the apartment in time for both of us to speak
with Fraser." 

 She thinks about this for a moment. I can practically see her weighing
and measuring the idea. And honestly, it scares me. What's got her so
worried that she can't leave Daniel alone with me? 

 "Do not confront Constable Fraser without me. Or the Colonel. Do you hear
me, Daniel?" 

 "I hear you, Sam." 

 "I'm serious." 

 "I know that." 

 She nods and walks away. It doesn't escape me that she didn't ask for my
address or directions. If she's going to meet us, how is she going to find
us? 

 We pull out of the parking lot slower than I like but there's no jerking
motion or grinding gears. I'll take that as a positive and try to relax.
My leg and hip are really throbbing so there's not much more I can do
anyway. 

 "You don't have to worry about Fraser," I say after a few moments. "Even
if he is acting a little off, he's still him, right? He's not some serial
killer." 

 Daniel meets that comment with silence and I feel a chill go down my
spine. 

 "What aren't you telling me?" 

 "We can talk more when we get to your apartment," he says and I do not
feel better. 

 "Are you guys always cryptic about everything?" 

 He takes his eyes off the road long enough to look at me. There's an
apology there but then he goes back to driving. I'm not sure I want to
know what he has to say anymore so I lean back only talking to him enough
to give him directions. I can tell he already knows the way. He's being
pretty subtle about it but he's getting ready for the turns before I tell
him where they are. Obviously they've been following me. 

 We get there in good time since it's still too early for the traffic to
really get started. I tell him that I'll go up first and then wave at him
from the window if it's clear. He says that's not necessary and I'll
probably need help anyway. I just shrug at him because even if Fraser is
home, I know this guy isn't in danger. 

 I get out slower than usual and almost fall over while I'm trying to not
to show how much my leg hurts. Daniel leaps out but he was going to be too
late anyway. I get steady before he reaches me, which is a good thing
because Dief doesn't wait for me to pull the seat up. He leaps over and
then out, nearly knocking me over again. This time I use Daniel as a
crutch while he suggests I go to the hospital. 

 "Let it go," I snarl at him before I start hobbling my way into the
building. 

 While we wait for the elevator, I keep thinking back to what Vecchio
said. Maybe I shouldn't be telling these guys that Fraser is whacked when
he's probably just stressed out. What if they do something to him and it's
my fault? 

 We get into the elevator with Dief happily wagging his tail. I think he's
glad we don't have to take the stairs. I notice Daniel is watching me as
if I'm going to pass out or collapse any second. 

 He's making me nervous. And it doesn't help that I keep having this
really bad feeling that he's going to be the bad guy and I'm going to hurt
Fraser somehow. 

 The Pac man in my stomach starts grinding with a vengeance. 

 "We'll get it sorted it out," he says as if he's reading my mind. 

 We reach the door and I shove my key in and push it open. I take a step
back because Fraser is standing in the living room. He's surprised too. 

 "I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser says just before something grabs me from behind.
 

 It takes about half a second for me to react but there's not much of a
struggle. Whoever has me has the advantage and there's real strength in
him too. He jerks me still, twisting my leg in the process, then just sort
of tosses me to one side. I stumble a lot further than I would've expected
and end up on my ass in the far corner of the living room. 

 I look up in time to see Fraser spray Diefenbaker with mace. Dief stops
growling and backs up, whimpering. Fraser turns back to me with the mace.
Another guy is with Daniel. He has him pushed into the wall while he puts
handcuffs on him. 

 "Don't do this, Jack," he says. 

 The other man doesn't answer. He shoves Daniel on to the floor next to
me. 

 Dief growls again and Fraser sprays him a second time. 

 "Stop that," I yell while Dief curls up whimpering and rubbing the
insides of his paws against his eyes. Fraser puts the mace in his pocket.
He picks up Dief, wraps a hand around his muzzle and takes him into the
bedroom where he shuts the door. 

 My eyes are watering from the pain shooting up my leg so I wipe at the
moisture and try to get in a more comfortable position. 

 "You didn't have to do that," I say. 

 "It seemed a better solution than shooting him," Fraser answers. 

 "I can do that if you want," the other man says. He's got a gun in his
hand that I recognize as Fraser's service revolver. 

 It takes me a second to recognize the other man. But when I do, I almost
slap myself on the forehead. Of course, it's Jack. The guy standing
outside the hospital the night I picked up Fraser. When Daniel asked me
about any new people, I never even thought about that guy. 

 I glare at him to let him know that I'm down but I'm not out and there's
no way I'll let him hurt Dief. Then I look at Daniel who is pressing up
against the nearest wall looking stunned. His glasses are all crooked on
his face and his arms are bunched up from the cuffs. 

 "You all right?" I ask him while I straighten out his glasses. 

 "Yeah...I'm fine." His answer is clipped and he's looking past me. I turn
enough to follow his gaze. 

 He's looking at Jack, his Jack, the guy that just tossed me and trussed
him up. Jack looks at us too. His expression sends a shiver right through
me. 

 He's good looking with graying hair and brown eyes. His body is solid.
He's a good ten years older than Daniel but he's not old, maybe 45 or so. 

 "This is Jack O'Neill," Fraser tells me. "He and I are going to be
leaving town shortly." 

 "More than just town," O'Neill says like it's an inside joke. "Now, that
you're here, Daniel, it'll be a lot easier. 

 "Everyone knows you've been compromised, Jack. There's no way that either
of us is going to get back on base." 

 "Never say never, Daniel. You're always so negative." 

 "We know what you are and we want to help you go home," Daniel says. "You
don't have to do all this." 

 "We're not going home," Jack says. "We left home for a reason." 

 "All right, fine. You don't have to go home. But you can't take over the
lives of these people. So why don't we compromise on another solution?" 

 "We have another solution." 

 O'Neill plops down on my sofa. Fraser looks from him to me. 

 "We've agreed that since you came home early then you can come with us.
What's one more? I'm certain Dr. Jackson can get us all in." 

 "Get in where?" I ask. 

 "First we go to the SG headquarters and then to a nice place, Ray, I
assure you. We've already decided on a destination even if we're not
entirely certain of our welcome." 

 "We'll blend," Jack says and looks pleased with himself. 

 "You're just going to move into another population?" Daniel asks.
"Wouldn't that mean taking over more people? From what we've learned you
have to move from one being to another pretty often." 

 "That's right," Jack answers. "We can't stay in one place for long." 

 "Can you stay in your natural form without harm?" 

 "Why would we do that? It's a lot more interesting to live the lives of
others, Danny boy." 

 "What the fuck is this, Fraser?" I ask, circumventing the twenty
questions game. 

 "Colonel O'Neill has secured the appropriate coordinates. Now, all we
need to do is attain transportation to Colorado." 

 "Colorado? What the hell? Talk to me, Fraser." 

 "You go wherever I go. That's a concept you should grow used to. Despite
your occasional willfulness, I've grown fond of you." Fraser says. 

 "So, you'll have a place to move into once you're done with the
Constable?" Daniel asks. 

 "No. I like him the way he is. I'll find whatever accommodations I can
but he'll remain unchanged." 

 None of this is making sense to me. All I know for sure is that I'm not
going anywhere with Non-Fraser or his pal. I figure I just have to stall
until Carter gets here. She said she's got a vaccine for this so I'll just
wait for her to show so we can give it to him. 

 "I got hit by a car," I tell him, hoping he'll figure he can't drag me
around on one leg. 

 "Yes, I can see you're injured." 

 "Yeah, well, throwing me around didn't help either." 

 "No, I imagine not. But, you'll heal. So for now I'd like you to keep
quiet and wait for a bit. We won't be much longer." 

 Well, that didn't work. 

 "You can't take Detective Kowalski with you," Daniel says. "And you can't
gain access to another home from Colorado." 

 "The Stargate, Dr. Jackson. We'll all be able to access anything from the
Stargate." 

 "I'm not going anywhere," I tell them, just skipping over the whole
Stargate thing and trying a different tack. 

 "Don't worry, Kowalski, Daniel will get us in. He's a genius," Jack says.


 There're lots of things going on here that I can't explain right now.
Lots. But, I can't think about all that. Whatever the virus is, it's made
Jack O'Neill a psycho and he's infected Fraser too. I have to admit I'm
kind of relieved. At least if they have a vaccine, then my Fraser is
coming back. Unless the vaccine has a time limit or it makes him a
vegetable or it doesn't reverse what's already wrong with his head. 

 Shit. 

 Fraser starts talking real softly to Jack. I can't hear the words but
they're distracted so I look at Daniel and nod towards the bedroom where
they locked up Dief. I figure we need to let him out because whatever this
is, we need backup. With one civilian hostage and me with my banged up
leg, I don't think we're gonna take these guys even if we could get off
the floor and on them before they got wise. Daniel nods his agreement. I
get about halfway to the door when O'Neill spots me. He lands all over me
in a blink. 

 He slams me down to the ground and I yell out when my bad leg hits. My
eyes are watering again while I fight back the dark spots jumping around
in my vision. I can hear more than see the commotion going on in Daniel's
direction. I'm only partly aware of my arms being pulled behind me. But I
feel the handcuffs, probably my own, being snapped and then being dragged
across the floor. Dief is slamming himself into the door again and I want
to tell him to stop before he hurts himself but right now, breathing is
about all I'm good for. 

 Fraser has Daniel pulled to the other side of the room so he's near the
desk. His glasses are gone so he's squinting in my direction. 

 The spots start fading and my leg trades screaming for more like a throb
instead. Jack only moved me a few feet further from the bedroom door. I
manage to get enough breath in my lungs to yell to Dief. I know he's
supposed to be deaf but I've always thought he's selective about that. He
does start to settle down after a minute or two but he keeps sniffing and
scratching on the wood door. 

 I'm surprised when Fraser crouches down in front of me. 

 "You'll be safer this way," he says and I guess he means tied up and
tossed in a corner. 

 "You need to stop doing this." 

 He just smiles at me but there's no life in the expression. He pats my
shoulder and stands up to return Jack. 

 "I'm not going anywhere with you," I yell to him but he ignores me. 

 "Neither am I," Daniel says. 

 Jack glares at both of us. Fraser touches his arm to get his attention
again and they huddle down for more private conversation. 

 "He'll be fine," Fraser says, sounding mad. "Once we get through the
gate, I'm certain he'll settle down. It's not like you're leaving Dr.
Jackson." 

 "We need him," Jack says. "We can get you a toy later." 

 Oh, that's flattering, I think. 

 I start scrambling backward slowly. Forget my leg, forget everything, I
want out of here and Dief is the only one who can help me right now.
Daniel is sporting a red blotch on his cheek. He looks like he's thinking
things through but right now, I need to do something and the only thing I
can think of is Dief. Daniel is probably waiting for Carter and I'm not
counting her out but she might not make it before they decide to bug out. 

 I'm still pushing backward until my back hits the edge of my bookshelf.
Both of them look at me and all I can do is maneuver around it so I'm
tucked into the tightest corner I can find. 

 "I can't wait to get you away from here." He sounds so damn reasonable
but so dangerous, I feel sick. 

 "Wake me up, Fraser. This can't be you." 

 "You're not sleeping, Ray." 

 "I have to be." 

 "You'll feel better after we've had a chance to talk. Rules and
organization, that's the key, Ray." 

 Fraser goes in the kitchen where he starts ransacking the cupboards for
supplies, while Jack watches me and Daniel. I start replaying the
afternoon in my head. I know all the clues are here. The virus, the
leaving town that's some kind of a joke, the access to wherever we're
going located on an air base, the Stargate, the taking over other people
and having to switch bodies. 

 No. 

 Yes. 

 That is what Daniel asked them. 

 Oh, come on, that's movie time and popcorn. 

 That's a weird-ass dream. 

 "You're just going to move into another population?" Daniel asks.
"Wouldn't that mean taking over more people? From what we've learned you
have to move from one being to another pretty often." 

 That's what Daniel said. 

 That's crazy. 

 That's fucking pod people. 

 Shit. 

 All of this discovery means I'm not really paying attention to what's
going on around me. It surprises me when I blink a couple of times and
find Jack standing over me with his hands on his hips. I'm sort of stuck,
tied up like this in the corner so the best I can do is shift away a
little. He sticks his foot against the inside of my knee and rubs back and
forth a couple of times. After about the third time, I jerk away as best I
can and yell at him. 

 "Knock it off," Daniel says from his corner. The combination gets
Fraser's attention. 

 He comes out of the kitchen, looks at me, then Daniel, then at Jack with
a frown. 

 "I would rather that you didn't bother him." 

 "I just wanted to see how they compare," Jack says. "You never know when
we might have to share." 

 "If you take care of Dr. Jackson, that shouldn't be an issue," Fraser
says before he returns to the kitchen. 

 I have to put my new discovery in the back of my head. I admit to myself
that this virus, isn't a virus. It's something alive and it makes
decisions. And it's taken over Fraser and Jack O'Neill. 

 I don't have much time to think about that before O'Neill clocks Daniel
hard in the head, dazing him, and then comes back over and starts playing
with my leg again. This time his foot is going between my knees and
heading for regions he's not getting. I kick out at him with my good leg
and yell again and he twists his foot. He presses against the inside knee
of my bad leg until he forces me over on to my side. It's happens pretty
quick and I yell out when the pain shoots up from my knee. 

 Fraser is fast too though and Jack is slammed face first into the wall
before I even realize he's in the room. I don't know why he's jumping in
for the defense considering what he's done to me in the last day or so but
right now, I'll take the help I can get. But Jack is no slouch in the
fighting back department and the tables turn fast with Fraser jammed hard
with his back to the wall. 

 "What is wrong with you?" Jack asks, obviously furious. 

 "I told you to leave him alone." 

 "So what. Who put you in charge?" 

 Fraser sputters out something that sounds like gibberish and Jack comes
back with some similar string of noise. They glare at each other for a few
seconds. Then, like nothing just happened they break apart. Fraser goes
back in the kitchen and Jack flops back down on the couch. 

 Another few seconds pass before I take a look over in Daniel's direction.
He's eyes look focused enough and mostly he just looks irritated. I'm not
sure if he's more mad about getting bonked on the head or having his lover
make moves towards me. I know what would piss me off the most. 

 "You okay?" I ask him. 

 "Fine," he growls back. 

 "They're both gonna be trouble," Jack yells out. "We can't keep them tied
up all the time." 

 "We won't have to. Dr. Jackson will cooperate because he won't want to
see any of the locals hurt. And Ray will be entirely dependent once we're
through the gate. Out of his element, he's quite helpless." 

 That's flattering. 

 "It's not gonna be an issue since I'm not going with you," I interrupt. 

 Fraser comes out of the kitchen. Whatever resemblance he has to my Fraser
is gone now. I guess if you took a picture it might be hard to tell but
there's nothing in his eyes or the way he's standing that looks like the
person that I know. 

 "You know, Ray, I thought you were brighter than this. My companion wants
a new home and the idea of starting over appeals to me. But, I'd also like
to stay with you. I'm just making arrangements so you can come with me." 

 "But, you're not real. You're a pod person. A...a shape shifter
guy...a..." 

 "That's not true." 

 "He's a parasite, Ray," Daniel says. "About the size of a gnat to start
with and then he grows to maybe the size of a grape. It takes about four
days to get full sized once they're ingrained into the brain. On the first
day, he hides in the folds of the brain and he looks like a spot on the
x-ray. Unless you take a shot every day, you'd think it was a machine
error. But by the fourth day, you'd be thinking tumor." 

 "That's enough, Daniel," Jack says. "You'll scare him." 

 "They enter through the ear passage. The victim isn't even aware except
for maybe an itching sensation. And then there's nothing except for a
gradual change in temperament. Because they may be small but they're
selfish, Ray. They hitch rides in more powerful life forms so they can
experience things they couldn't have otherwise. And when their hijacked
body starts to reject them, they exit for better digs. If they leave
before the rejection process begins..." 

 "Daniel, you talk too much," Jack says dangerously. 

 "...then the host body recovers. But if they stay until rejection starts
then the host gets permanent brain damage." 

 Jack doesn't bother to get up. He leans over the couch, aims Fraser's
revolver at Daniel and tells him to shut up. 

 "You're not going to shoot me. You need me to get back on base, right?"
Daniel's voice is even. He looks worried but kind of smug at the same
time. 

 "What if we just go to the front gate and switch bodies with the guard on
duty. We're very fast, Daniel. We wouldn't need you then, would we?" 

 Daniel's expression doesn't change but his face goes a little pale. 

 "I really am dreaming," I say, drawing attention away from Daniel.
"You're talking about aliens and I know it's the only explanation that
makes sense but it's also the only one that can't be true." 

 "Let's not kill him," Fraser says, meaning Daniel. "He's still our best
hope of reaching the Stargate and I know you want to keep him for awhile
longer." 

 Jack turns back around and relaxes with the gun in his hand beside him. 

 "That's true. But he does talk a lot and he doesn't take orders." 

 At least I know why Fraser disappeared. Jack O'Neill must have taken him
and infected him but if it takes a few days for the little bugger to take
over, they would've needed some down time. But... 

 "Hey," I say. "How'd you infect Fraser if you're a little gnat like alien
guy. There's obviously two of you." 

 "We both entered Colonel O'Neill on the planet...which planet was that?"
Fraser asks Jack. 

 "I don't know. Some ugly place with too many trees." 

 "Yes, well, it wasn't ugly in my opinion but at any rate, we both entered
Colonel O'Neill and then we hid. As soon as Colonel O'Neill was allowed to
leave the base, we started looking for a suitable host for me." 

 "Why'd you go all the way from Colorado to Illinois?" Daniel asks. 

 "We were enjoying the drive. And we both like this mind," Jack answers.
"It's very complex. But eventually, we needed another...host." 

 "Why'd you pick Fraser?" I ask. 

 "He was there. He was alone. He was attractive to this mind. We decided
fast and we took him fast. Then it worked out so well because after the
incubation period I was able to stay in comfort at the Consulate. Since I
knew that Daniel and his friends would come looking for me, it was a
perfect place to hide out." 

 "This is crazy, " I say. 

 "You get used to it," Daniel says. 

 "The part you have to remember, Ray," Fraser says. "Is that you belong to
me. That's not negotiable. I'll look after you but you are mine." 

 "I'm not yours. I'm mine." 

 "You've said you belong to him. I see that in his mind." 

 I am shaking my head furiously. 

 "Not like that. I gave myself to Fraser because I love him. It's
like...like an expression or a...a figure of speech. It's not ownership;
it's commitment. It's like...symbolic. He's committed to me too but if one
of us changes our mind and wants to go, then we don't stop each other.
It's not property." 

 "But I'm not him and I'm not willing to let you go." 

 "I get you, Daniel. Just like he said. 

 "Then your race practices some sort of slavery?" Daniel asks, like it's a
reasonable question. 

 "Of course not. We practice order. Individuals have a function, a
position, some are simply of higher rank. As an outsider Ray is of very
low rank. But as my consort, he'll serve an important function and be well
cared for." 

 "Like a pet?" I ask. 

 "That's a good analogy, Ray. Think of yourself as my Diefenbaker." 

 The knot I've been carrying in my gut squeezes tighter and I can't catch
a decent breath. I can't remember being this scared before. It's all just
laying out in my head like some big nightmare. 

 "I'm not going with you," I tell him. And I'm not, I'll do anything to
keep this from happening. I want to be with Fraser but if what Daniel says
is true, then that's not going to happen if we leave this planet. 

 Leave this planet? Sheesh. 

 He cocks his head in a motion that looks nothing like my Fraser. I can
see the alien in him now and it's so obvious, I can't believe I missed it
before. 

 "I don't understand your refusal. You've loved me for the last few days.
Why can't you keep on loving me?" 

 "You're wrong. You're not my Fraser. I thought you were him but you're
not. You're not like him, do you understand that? You're nothing like
him." 

 "Now, Ray, that's just silly. I have his mind. I'm just like him." 

 "Do not say that." 

 "You haven't known, haven't even suspected for two days. Clearly, I am
not so different." 

 I kick out at him, throwing my whole self into it, which just lands me
flat on my back. 

 "You're nothing like him," I say while I try to get myself back up again.
"Nothing." 

 He just stands over me, looking at me like I'm a bug pinned to a bug
board. He cocks his head again, first to one side and then to the other. 

 I'm still struggling to get seated again so I can at least look like I
have some control when Fraser comes back and crouches in front of me
again. 

 "All right," he says, "Colonel O'Neill is right. If you won't cooperate
then you'll endanger our chance at the Stargate. I'd like to have you with
me but if not, then we'll have to kill you." 

 "You're gonna kill me?" 

 "We can't leave you two around telling all our plans, can we?" 

 "There's no reason for anyone to get hurt," Daniel says. "We're willing
to help you find a place to live. Jack knows that we can help you." 

 "We don't need your help," Jack says and I'm surprised by the conceit in
his voice. We're just rats in a cage to these guys. 

 Okay, I'm hoping Daniel forgives me for this. I don't mean it, at least,
not all the way. I'm trying to stall I remind myself even if I do hope
they do agree with my argument. 

 "What do you need Fraser for? You need O'Neill and Daniel to get on the
base...and to get to the, uh, Stargate thing, but what do you need us for?
Why don't you just double up in O'Neill again and then find a new place
for your buddy." 

 "I like his mind," Fraser says. 

 "Besides, it takes time to shrink up and move on. Time we don't have." 

 "Why not?" Daniel asks. "What's the hurry?" 

 "I've been here for awhile now, Danny. Jack is starting to want his body
back." 

 The mother of all cold chills snakes through me and I can't imagine what
Daniel must be thinking. From the look on his face, I'd say he's
terrified. 

 "Look, switch to me. If you wait too long, you'll damage his mind
permanently." 

 "I don't think so," Jack says. "He's just getting pliable. This is the
best part." 

 "You don't have to do this," Daniel says. 

 Jack ignores him. He says something to Fraser in that weird gibberish
again and they nod at each other. 

 They both produce some gadget that I don't recognize but it doesn't take
much imagination to figure it's a weapon and we just ran out of time.
Daniel and I shift backward like that's going to help. Then we both jump
when my front door crashes in and off the hinges. There's a large, black
man rushing in first. Behind him, I can just see a sliver of Major Carter.
Fraser and Jack back up a couple of steps and then there's a rush of
people into the apartment. There's a flash of light from the gadget that
Jack is holding and that's it, brain overload hits and I go blessedly into
the night.  

 I don't think that much time has passed when I open my eyes again. I'm
glad to find my hands are free but I'm still sitting near the wall. I look
around to see Carter pulling Daniel to his feet. Fraser and Jack are
sitting on the couch and it looks like they're handcuffed. There're a lot
of people milling around and I guess they're military but they're not in
uniforms. A small woman joins Carter and starts running her hands all over
Daniel's skull, which looks a little strange but I'm thinking she's a
doctor. Daniel doesn't look like he's enjoying all the fuss. 

 "Major Carter," a deep voice says. I follow the sound to the man I had
seen in the doorway. He's standing guard over Fraser and Jack and it's odd
that he doesn't move or look away from them when he speaks. "Detective
Kowalski has awakened." 

 Carter and the other woman leave Daniel to come to me. 

 "I'm Dr. Fraiser," the woman says. "How do you feel, Detective?" 

 "Okay, I guess." 

 "Would you like to try standing?" She asks. 

 "I guess I better." 

 She and Carter take me under the arms and pull me up. My leg isn't ready
though so I stumble backward. It hurts enough to make me yell out as they
both catch me. A couple men who were doing other things join them and take
my weight. I feel like an idiot under all this attention. 

 "Okay, let's get you lying down so I can take a look at you," the doctor
says. 

 "We're not sure about the dog," Carter says, nodding towards my room. 

 "He's okay. He just wants out," I tell her. 

 Carter opens the door and Dief bounds out. He sniffs her feet then runs
around checking out everybody else. I notice he avoids Fraser and Jack
though. He finally comes over to me and sits down. While everyone is
waiting for him to get vicious or something, I just wait for them to put
me down someplace. 

 "In the bedroom, please," the doctor says. 

 "Yes, ma'am," the two men answer and then they just move me like I'm a
chair or something. Dief stays close by which helps some but I feel like
an extra and I'm wondering about Fraser. 

 "Sam," Daniel says just as I'm leaving the room. "Jack was starting to
reject. We have to get the life form out now." 

 "Forget it," Jack says. "I'm not gonna sit here and let you..." 

 "Yes you will," the black guy says. 

 I get deposited on my bed and the doctor tells me to get undressed. Dief
jumps up and lies down next to me. 

 "I'll be back after we give Colonel O'Neill and Constable Fraser the
vaccine," she says. 

 "You don't do anything to Fraser unless I'm with him." She gives me a
look that says she doesn't usually take orders. 

 "Detective Kowalski..." 

 "It's not a vaccine. You're gonna zap the bug man but you're not doing it
unless I'm with him. You got it? Bring him in here or I'll just get myself
back out there but I'm not leaving him with a bunch of strangers for
this." 

 "I assure you, Detective, we'll take good care of him." 

 "Fine," I say and push myself up, ignoring the pain that's shooting from
ankle to hip. "I'll come out there." 

 "I think we should do what he wants," Daniel says from the doorway. 

 "Daniel, that may not be..." 

 "He knows most of it, Janet. Security's not an issue." 

 Carter stepped into the doorway beside Daniel. 

 "It's all right, Janet. Teal'c's going to bring them both in here." 

 "If you say so, Major," the doctor says. 

 "I'll just keep my clothes on a while longer," I say. 

 The doctor doesn't smile and it's obvious that she thinks Carter and
Daniel are wrong. It must be a rank thing though because she doesn't argue
any more. 

 "How are you doing, Ray?" Daniel asks. 

 "I don't know yet. How about you?" 

 "Fine," he says before he goes back out the door, followed by Carter. 

 It's only another moment before the two guys that moved me come in
carrying chairs from my dining table. They set them down and then pull
their side arms. Fraser comes in next with Jack right behind him. The
black guy is next and he's holding a gun on them and then Carter joins in.
She's armed too. The black guy motions for Fraser and Jack to sit down.
Everyone's movements are precise, no one is slacking or distracted. 

 "Can you get the dog to go into the other room?" Carter asks me. "I'm
afraid he might get in the way," 

 "He won't." 

 "He won't feel protective towards Constable Fraser?" 

 Okay, yes, he probably will. 

 "Just get somebody to offer him a snack and then shut the door," I say. 

 Carter goes out but when she comes back she has a couple of American
cheese slices. She calls to Dief who uses his selective hearing to ignore
her. I pet him to get his attention and look him in the face to tell him
to go with Major Carter. Dief whines and puts his head in my lap. 

 "Come on, she's got a snack for you. We'll be all right." 

 He whines again but this time he jumps off the bed and follows her into
the living room. When she comes back she's alone and she shuts the bedroom
door behind her. "Teal'c, would you hold Colonel O'Neill?" the doctor
asks. The black guy doesn't hesitate. He goes behind Jack and wraps his
arms around him, holding him still and tilting his head to the side at the
same time. 

 The doctor approaches them carefully while Carter and the two men keep
Fraser covered. She pulls a long, thick length of tubing out of her
pocket. There's a glass tube with a wide, rounded end at the bottom of it
and a slender lead at the top. Jack starts struggling and Daniel moves in
closer. He's being careful to stay out of the doctor's way but he's trying
to get as close as possible. 

 "Keep him still," the doctor says. 

 "That is being done," Teal'c says. 

 "Look at me, Jack. Just watch me," Daniel says. 

 I squeeze my hands into fists when the doctor plunges the tube into
Jack's ear. Jack makes a squealing sound that sends goosebumps up my arms
but Teal'c is keeping him still. The doctor pulls the syringe back and
Jack jerks and squeals again. 

 "Watch me, Jack. Keep your eyes on me," Daniel says but his voice is
shaking. 

 The doctor puts more pressure on the suction and the sound of air
increases until there's a popping noise. A second later, there's an
oblong...something inside the tube and she pulls the tube out of Jack's
ear and slaps a seal over it. Jack slumps over in Teal'c's arms but Daniel
is kneeling in front of him. Working together, they ease Jack on to the
floor. 

 I look over at Fraser. His eyes are huge with panic. He probably thinks
they just killed his buddy. I get a sick feeling knowing they're about to
stick that tube in his ear next. 

 The doctor puts the container inside a square case, then puts that inside
a larger metal case. She kneels down beside Jack with a stethoscope,
maneuvering around Daniel so she can do her job. She checks Jack's heart
and pulse and pupils and sits back. 

 "Everything sounds okay," she says. 

 "What about brain damage?" Carter asks, looking pale and shaky too. 

 "We won't know until he wakes up," the doctor says. "There was no blood
during the extraction and that's a good thing. Why don't we move the
Colonel into the living room so he can rest?" 

 "Hey, he can stay in here, use the bed," I say. 

 "That's all right, Detective. I still need a place to examine you and we
have the second extraction to take care of." 

 Fraser makes a noise that sounds like fear. Carter turns her attention
back to him. 

 "Your companion hasn't been harmed," she says. "Once you've been
extracted, we'll send both of you home." 

 "We don't want to go home," Fraser says. 

 "I don't care," Carter says. She's harder than I expected. All that blond
petiteness made me underestimate her. 

 Teal'c lifts Jack off the floor with little trouble and carries him out,
cradling him like a child. Daniel follows close behind. He's not touching
but I'll bet he wants to. 

 Carter and the doctor exchange looks that mean something but I'm not sure
what and then they look towards Fraser. Fraser is nervous. He is
swallowing hard and squeezing his hands in his lap. His two guards are
watching him like they expect him to bolt. I think he might too. 

 The chance escapes him though when Teal'c comes back. This guy is big and
intimidating as hell. Stupidly, I wonder why he's wearing a knit cap
inside. Maybe that's why he seems so cranky. He's probably hot. 

 It doesn't take long before he's got Fraser in the same head hold that he
used on Jack O'Neill. Automatically I want him to stop. I don't want
anybody touching Fraser like that so it's hard not to intervene. I don't
though. I scoot off the bed without much finesse and then I take Fraser's
hand in mine. It feels cold and he gives me a look that says he doesn't
understand but I don't let go. In a minute or so, my Fraser will be back
and I want him to know I'm here. 

 "It's gonna be okay," I say. 

 The doctor doesn't wait. She shoves that tube in his ear and starts the
suction. Fraser starts making that awful squealing noise and he's fighting
so instead of just holding his hand, I have to start helping to restrain
him. He doesn't stop screaming for a long time and I can't stand that
she's hurting him. I don't stop to think, I try to shove her away but it's
not much of an attempt when the two guards grab my arms and throw me on
the floor. I hear the doctor say something about a shot. I don't feel the
prick of the needle but it's not long before everything gets gray around
the edges. I keep thrashing around because Fraser is still screaming in
that horrible high-pitched squeal then I sort of register the sound of a
pop. The noise stops right away and then Carter's voice is telling the
guards to let me go. She strokes my hair softly while she tells me to
relax. It sounds like a good idea.  "Ray...Ray." 

 I don't want to.  

 No matter how much I might want to stay in the dark, my mind finally
gives my body the go ahead to open my eyes. It's gray dark when I do but
the shadows shape up into my bedroom. At first, I think it was all a dream
because Dief is lying next to me and that just seems so normal, just the
way it should be. I even feel Fraser close by but I figure that's just
wishful thinking. 

 "Ray. Are you awake?" 

 It's Fraser. I scramble away to the other side of the bed as fast as I
can. To be honest, it's damn slow. Somebody must've slipped me something
because everything is just plain slow. 

 "It's all right, Ray, you're safe." 

 "Go 'way." 

 "Let me just..." 

 "Go." 

 I can't face this. I want Fraser, not the sadistic bastard bug-man. 

 Whatever they gave me must be fucking me up big time. I want to cry and I
want to scream and Jesus, God, I want Fraser back. 

 There's a sliver of light from the open door and then it's dark again.
The monster has left. 

 A moment later, the light comes back and there's a shadow coming at me. I
start scrambling again, wondering if he's going to kill me this time. 

 "It's Major Carter, Detective, everything is all right." 

 "Did you see him before? It's not him. It looks like him and it sounds
like him but it's not him." 

 "I need you to calm down if you can. Everything is under control." 

 "No...you don't get it...he was here just a second ago." 

 "Okay, I need you to concentrate. I know you feel a little fuzzy right
now. You watched us remove the life form. That was about six hours ago and
he's coming along just fine now." 

 "God...I'm never gonna wake up." 

 "You're awake, Ray, the bad part is over. Your partner is in the living
room waiting for the okay to come back." 

 "You're not making any sense. What the hell did you give me anyway?" 

 "I'm sorry. You were upset and you needed to sleep. Dr. Fraiser gave you
something to help. She's gone back to the base with Teal'c and the rest of
the team. They took the two life forms with them. She said you'd be fine
with a little rest." 

 I turn my arm and find a tiny white square taped there. "That's not
buddies. It's not legal either." 

 "You were agitated. We thought you might hurt yourself." 

 I don't remember that. 

 A vague memory surfaces though. "Her name's Fraser?" 

 "It's Fraiser. Dr. Janet Fraiser." 

 "And she's a real doctor not a book doctor like Daniel...and you." 

 "Right. She's a medical doctor. She wants you to eat and get some sleep
and take it easy on your leg." 

 "I freaked out, huh?" 

 "It's all right. Daniel said you've had a lot to process and watching us
remove the life forms was pretty horrifying." 

 Carter is studying me., gauging my sanity probably. She's waiting for me
to react to Fraser being back but I'm not quite ready yet. 

 "They were gonna kill us. Or kidnap us, I'm not sure they knew yet. They
talked about wanting to take us someplace. Someplace new. Daniel tried to
explain some of it but..." 

 Carter perches on the edge of the bed. 

 "I need you to try and listen to me, Detective. Can you do that?" 

 I nod at her but my heart is picking up speed again. Is Fraser
brain-damaged? Am I? 

 "What happened today is top secret," she says. "You can't talk to anybody
about it. Whatever you heard, whatever you think you heard or think you
saw, is all classified. Talking about it to your mother will get you
thrown in jail for treason. Do you understand?" 

 I think about that for a second. Who'd believe me if I went public? And
besides, treason might get me a trial or it might get me thrown in a dark
hole and forgotten about. Even if I had a burning desire to go public, it
wouldn't be worth it. And frankly, I don't have the desire. 

 "Yeah, you're clear. Don't worry about it, Major, I got enough problems
without everybody thinking I'm a whacko." 

 She smiles and pats my arm. I guess she believes me but she's expecting
something else. She wants me to ask questions or throw a fit or ask for
Fraser. My head feels foggy though and I'm not sure what to say. Finally,
I rub my hand over my eyes and flatten my hair. 

 "Can you get him back to normal?" 

 "Get who back to normal?" 

 "Fraser." 

 "He is normal. He's exhausted and he's worried about you. We wanted him
to sleep but he wouldn't until you woke up." 

 "But he's really okay? He's really him?" 

 "He is. They both are," Daniel says from the doorway. He comes in and
closes the door. "There's no obvious damage. We'd like to take him back to
the base with us to run some tests but he seems good. He's just worried
about you." 

 "How about Jack?" 

 "He's taking a little longer to recover but Dr. Fraiser thinks he'll be
100% too." 

 "How do we know? Maybe they're still in there but they're hiding or
something." 

 All of a sudden, that sounds like the truth. That's why my door is shut.
If I could see past that door, I'd see all these aliens buzzing around
everybody's ears. The panic is creeping up but the drugs are keeping it
from taking over. 

 I push the blankets off me. Unfortunately I sit up too fast. I can hear
Carter and Daniel telling me to calm down but there's a rushing sound in
my head that's drowning them out. I'm scared enough to stand up but a
second later I wish I hadn't.  

 When I wake up again, the cotton in my head isn't as thick. I'm warm but
not in a bad way. I feel safe like when I was a kid and my folks were
close by. I reach out with my eyes still closed and feel Dief lying next
to me again. His breath is soft and snuffly sounding. Feeling along beside
him my hands find the soft flannel blanket that Fraser gave me for
Christmas. I don't have to open my eyes to see the red and blue pattern. 

 I know if I do crack the lids then I'm going to have to face another day
with psycho-Fraser and the merry military so I stay closed up in my cocoon
for a while longer. 

 "Ray, are you awake?" 

 Damn. You would think they'd give an injured man a break. Seems like that
should be in the military handbook or something. Despite all the nice
warm, there's still a steady throbbing in my hip and I'm not ready to move
yet. 

 "Ray, please, I can hear the change in your breathing." 

 Oh, shit. Screw the leg and everything else. I scramble to the other side
of the bed upending Dief and earning an irritated growl. 

 I land on my feet, curse when my sore leg gives out and stumble into the
far wall. It's dark outside and the only light is coming through the
curtain of my bedroom window. I can just make out Fraser and he's standing
with his hands up, palms facing out. I am extremely aware that I'm
standing here in just my boxers. The air is cool around me and I shiver as
I wrap my arms around myself. 

 "You didn't kill them, did you?" 

 "Kill who?" 

 "Carter and company. Cuz if you did, Fraser, insanity is not going to be
a good enough defense." 

 "I didn't kill anyone, Ray, please try..." 

 Right on cue, the bedroom door opens bringing Daniel, Carter and Jack
O'Neill into the room. Daniel flips on the light switch. Blindly, I snatch
my favorite blanket off the bed to cover up. Not an exhibitionist for men
or women. Dief is baring his teeth to the lot of them. 

 Carter and Daniel are talking at once. Daniel is telling me to calm down.
Carter is saying something to me but I can't hear her in all the
confusion. 

 She takes a few steps forward, away from the group. I track her because I
don't dare look at Fraser yet. 

 "All right, enough," Jack says. Despite the fact that his voice is
scratchy and soft, he quiets everyone except Dief who growls from deep
inside. 

 "Carter, say something," Jack says. She glances back at him before
returning her attention to me. 

 "Ray," she says slowly like she's calming a wild animal. "What's wrong?" 

 "I'm dreaming, right?" 

 "No," she says like she's humoring me. "You're awake and we're all here
with you." 

 Let it be true. Let it be true. Let it be true. 

 I look at Fraser. He's looking right at me. 

 Between the hope that he's okay and the fear that he's not I'm starting
to get shaky again. All the bruises and scrapes are checking in too just
in case I forgot that a car hit me. I want some aspirin and about three
days to sleep but there's stuff I want more. 

 "How do I know you're not gonna go back to being evil Mountie?" 

 Fraser flinches but he doesn't look away. 

 "Because I'm me." 

 My voice isn't there all of a sudden when I see the real longing in
Fraser's face. He's obviously in pain and I just want to let everything
else go and hold him. 

 "Sam, would you wait outside for a second?" Daniel asks. 

 She looks at him, then at Jack. "Sir?" 

 "Go ahead, Carter. Just for a minute." 

 She nods and I'm surprised that she's such a good soldier. She didn't
seem like the type to take orders but then I'd never seen her with a
superior officer. 

 Once she's gone, Daniel turns to Jack. He leans in and kisses him, long
and nice. Nice enough that I'm almost jealous. Jack is surprised at first
but then he kisses him back, hungrily but slowly like he's being careful
or just gentle. When they part there's so much affection between them that
it's almost painful to see. 

 "If he wasn't my Jack again, would I do that?" Daniel asks. 

 "I don't know. I don't know if you're still you." 

 "Okay, I understand that. But we're all okay now, Ray. Do you remember
the extraction?" 

 It's there on the edge of my memory. The first thing that hits is the
echo of the screaming. I almost slap my hands over my ears. I close my
eyes instead, remembering it, replaying it. 

 "Jesus," I say. 

 "It's over, Ray," Daniel says but when I look at Jack, I don't think it's
over for him. He's reliving the same thing that I am and it's haunting
him. 

 "Okay," I say. 

 They don't say anything else. Jack motions at Daniel to leave and then he
follows him out. 

 Dief jumps off the bed with a whine. I can feel my chest tighten thinking
that if Dief doesn't like Fraser then either we're wrong or he's been
invaded too. But the wolf just circles around Fraser, whines again and
then sits at the end of the bed. 

 "Yes, I realize that," Fraser says looking at his lupine companion. Then
he looks back at me. "Ray, are you...how are you...do you feel alright?" 

 He's as terrified as I am. He's white too but his eyes are ringed in
black. 

 "Yeah, I'm okay." 

 "You were struck by a car." 

 "Yeah, well, getting tossed around the living room didn't help much
either." 

 His eyes go wide for a second and he slumps a little and I wish I hadn't
said that. 

 "If you're in any pain we should see a doctor." 

 "I'm a little achy but mostly I'm good. And I guess I already saw a
doctor." 

 He comes closer to the bed and my first instinct is to back away. I fight
that though. I'm backed as far as I'm going anyway and if this is the real
Fraser, I don't want him to think I'm afraid of him. I don't want to feel
afraid of him either. 

 "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am, Ray. I know that I've
endangered you in the past, but I...this time I wasn't even...I
couldn't..." 

 "Dief likes you again." 

 I can see him shift physically and mentally with my words. If he's really
Fraser then he's all full up with regret and guilt and it's the only thing
he's been focusing on. If he's really Fraser then I don't blame him for
anything but I'm not ready to tell him yet just in case he's not. 

 "Uh, yes, well, he sensed something was wrong but he didn't understand
it." 

 We just look at each other as if there're miles separating us. I want to
reach out to him so badly. To touch him again, to breathe him in and feel
his chest pressing against my own, full of life and breath. It's all I
wanted when he was gone and all I wanted when I thought I had him back.
It'd be so easy to surrender to that. 

 But like a switch turning on I can feel the panic start down deep in my
stomach. My chest feels tight and it's hard to breathe. My legs and arms
start twitching on their own as if they want to run with or without me. I
think the hangover from the drugs is all that keeps me from a full-blown,
throw me down panic attack. Still, it's a bad one and my vision starts to
gray. 

 I'm vaguely aware that Fraser's come closer. He wraps himself around me
like a Mountie sized blanket and just holds on. 

 Slowly my breathing settles some and I can get a decent amount of air in
my lungs. My heart is still beating pretty furiously but if I squeeze my
hands closed, the shaking isn't as bad. Fraser pushes me back a few inches
so he can see my face. 

 "Are you all right?" 

 "I guess so if you don't count getting hit by a car and beat up by
aliens." Not to mention assaulted by somebody who looks like my lover. 

 "I've never known you to have panic attacks." 

 "Before last week, I didn't. Since then, a couple." 

 "I'm so sorry." 

 "It doesn't sound like it was your fault." 

 He nudges a little to get me to lie down then he covers me up tight with
the blanket. 

 "It's me, Ray," he says. "The one you tease with your Fred Flintstone
demands for dinner, the one that went on an adventure and worried over
you, but ended up breaking an ankle and cutting short the trip. I'm the
one that insists we have green vegetables but won't eat a brussel sprout
and the one that looks the other way when you feed Diefenbaker snacks. I'm
the same person who held you all night when your mother passed away. I'm
me, Ray and I love you." 

 It takes a second before I can clear my throat to talk. It's so hard not
to just launch myself around him. 

 "I want to believe you. You don't know how much." 

 "Then look at me. See me. Look in my eyes and tell me I'm not yours." 

 "I know you are. I know you're you, Fraser, but...there's stuff that
happened with the other one. The last few days you were like you one
second and like a...a...I don't know what, the next. I thought I was going
crazy and then I thought you were and then I'd go back to wondering about
me." 

 "I'm sorry." 

 "Don't say that. Do not say that to me. Sorry isn't what I want to hear
from you. I want to hear that it's over. That you're not gonna change into
a monster in a blink. Do you know what happened while the bug-man was in
your head? Were you aware at all?" 

 "No, I...I don't remember anything past leaving the store. There're vague
flashes of things but I..." 

 He has this helpless look on his face. His eyes are too bright. And he's
wrapped his arms around himself. 

 "If you can't tell the difference between the real me and what you call a
monster, I don't know how to convince you." He says finally. 

 I feel weak all of a sudden, dizzy and scared. What if we can't find the
way back? 

 Fraser just looks at me for a second before he drags me in, pulling me
next to his body again, wrapping his arms tight around me. 

 "We're stronger than this," I say. 

 "I know we are. It's me, Ray, can't you feel it?" 

 The thaw is slow while my body remembers faster than my mind. I feel
myself giving in and my arms going tighter around him while the rest of me
starts melting. His breath is good and familiar with a hint of tea and
toothpaste. His skin smells like soap and feels dry under my fingers. His
hair is soft, just a little greasy. He's holding me just tight enough and
my whole self is starting to take notice. 

 The surrender comes with a sigh. I need this. I need him. It doesn't take
long before I go back to sleep with the sound of Fraser's heart against my
ear.  

 When morning comes, I find us still wrapped around each other. But Fraser
is awake. He looks better, not so pale, not so tired. He's rubbing my arm
lightly. I lean up to kiss him. 

 His mouth is warm against mine. Soft but hungry too like we've been
apart. And I realize all of a sudden that we have been. This thing that
happened to him, it put a stranger in his place, a stranger that has
nothing to do with the two of us. I take him in harder, my tongue working
overtime to reconnect us, my fingers and hands and arms ruthlessly tearing
apart the barrier. He's pushing just as hard, re-igniting everything that
brought us this far and lives deep in both of us. His hands are scrabbling
at my boxers while mine are trying to work their way under his shirt. He's
all tucked in and neat, of course so it's taking some effort while all he
has is a thin piece of cotton to work around. 

 A knock on the door freezes us both and I curse loudly hoping the person
on the other side can take a hint. 

 "Detective Vecchio is here," Daniel calls through the door. 

 Oh, crap. 

 Fraser pulls away from me looking frustrated and kind of shocked. I stay
leaning on him for the support as much as for the relief of having him
back. 

 "What are we gonna tell him?" I ask. 

 "Colonel O'Neill is in charge. Perhaps we should leave it to him." 

 "How's he doing?" 

 "He's recovering. I think it's difficult for him to know that he was out
of control of himself. He's distressed that he harmed Dr. Jackson." 

 "How are you doing?" 

 "I don't remember anything and that worries me. I would rather die than
have hurt you, Ray." 

 I find his hands and squeeze them. "I love you. Nothing that happened in
the last few days can touch that." 

 His body tightens up because he knows now that bad stuff happened. I kiss
his hands. There's another knock on the door. 

 "We better go watch the show," I say. "Don't worry, Fraser." 

 "We'll be out in a moment," he calls out. 

 He kisses me soft and quick and stands up. 

 "I'll go first," he says before he leaves me alone. 

 That's when I remember that I'm still one massive bruise. The pain
catches up with me fast now that the main thing worrying me is Vecchio. I
work up some momentum and stand up and when I do my leg just explodes in
pain. The shot they gave me yesterday has worn off with a vengeance. It's
left me dry too. My lips are sticking to my teeth. Left like that much
longer, I figure Fraser will just have to sweep me up with a dustpan. 

 I manage to get on my feet but it's barely and I'm not at all steady. My
whole body is screaming its disagreement with me. The room feels warm but
with the number of people in the living room, I don't want to wander
around in my underwear so I limp over to the dresser and pull out a pair
of jeans and a t-shirt. Skimming out of my boxers makes me decide that
going commando will be a lot better than trying to put on something extra.


 Dief whines at me. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy but I ignore him and
manage to get the shirt over my head before I head back to use the bed for
support while I get the jeans on. That just hurts. I chew myself out all
while I'm dressing, leaning hard on the leg that didn't get bashed because
the other one is not cooperating. The whole process takes too long so by
the time I'm dressed I'm shaking with tired and trying to catch my breath.


 Timing is everything. That's when Fraser peeks in at me. Even if I'm
pale, and I think I am, I got nothing on him. He turns an extra shade of
gray that makes me worry about how bad I really do look. 

 He's on me a second later, trying to get me to lean on him, trying to get
me back to bed until I have to bat at his hands to get him to ease up. His
expression freezes to bland as he steps away from me. I tumble a step
before I catch my balance against the bed because bravado aside, my body
knows where to lean when Fraser is close. 

 "I'm not pushing you away," I tell him. 

 "I was only attempting to help. You're obviously in pain." 

 I hate it when he starts sounding all official. He does it automatically
to protect himself when he's not sure what to do or how bad he might get
hurt. It's the Fraser equivalent to running scared and it pisses me off
and makes me feel rotten for doing that to him at the same time. 

 "Fraser, come here." 

 He hesitates for a fraction of a second before he takes the three steps
to get to me. He still doesn't touch me though. I take the initiative and
wrap my arms around his waist with a groan of discomfort from my raging
bruises. He hugs me but not too tight with his face snuggling into my neck
sending warm breath under my collar. 

 "I know it's you," I whisper to him. "I trust you." He hugs me tighter,
which hurts but I'm careful to keep that to myself. He's trembling against
me so there's no way I want him to let go. 

 It takes a second before I can tell that he's talking but the words are
so soft it takes another second to understand them. Finally I realize he's
saying he's sorry over and over like it's his new pledge. I keep holding
him trying to tell him with my body and my words that it's not his fault,
that we both got hurt, that we're okay. 

 Finally a knock on the door interrupts us. 

 "Yeah, in a minute," I call out. 

 Fraser gets himself together and so do I. We're ready, I think, to face
the masses.  

 We go into the living room where Vecchio is standing with his arms folded
looking around at Jack, Carter and Daniel. 

 "Morning, all," I say. 

 "Has someone made fresh coffee?" Fraser asks and heads towards the
kitchen after I'm safely deposited on the couch. 

 "So, you guys went to college together?" Vecchio asks me skeptically. 

 Thank you for the lead in, Vecchio. 

 "Yeah," I answer. "Well, I dropped out but we had some classes together
the first year." 

 "We thought a get together would be fun," Carter says as she sits down
beside me with an innocent grin. 

 "And who did graduate?" Vecchio asks. 

 "I did," Daniel says quickly. "I'm an archeologist." 

 "I graduated," Carter says. 

 "Guilty," Jack says. 

 Vecchio is looking around at the sleeping bag bundles and pillows and
various overnight supplies with a scowl. He can't imagine why my old
college buddies would have slept here rather than at a hotel. I'm not
volunteering an answer to that. 

 "Daniel made the arrangements for our tour, Ray. But we have to leave in
about half an hour," Carter says. 

 "I guess I better get showered then." 

 If Vecchio is wondering about the hygiene of all my guests, he doesn't
ask. It would be rude to question why everyone isn't taking a shower. But,
let's face it, I have one bathroom and it's a direct lead from the
bedroom. I doubt the whole military contingent was going to traipse
through while I was sleeping. 

 "You up to taking a tour?" Vecchio asks while I struggle back to my feet.


 "What's one little car accident when you got friends in town?" 

 "From the looks of things, it wasn't little." 

 "Ray is very resilient, Ray," Fraser says as he hands a fresh cup of
coffee to Vecchio. 

 "I'm quite sure we'll go slowly today." 

 "Count on it," Jack says. 

 Fraser puts his hand under my arm and helps me. He tells me we can take
the coffee with us but I need to shower. He excuses us and then we
limp/walk back into the bedroom and into the bathroom. I wish I could take
Fraser into the shower with me but given the number of people in the
living room, I can't ask him. Even if they all know about us, there is
such a thing is propriety. 

 He gives me a look that says he agrees with what I'm thinking then just
opens up the medicine cabinet to get the Advil out. He shakes two of them
into my hand and then fills a little Dixie cup with water so I can wash
them down. That Dixie dispenser is something I bought after Stella left.
She thought they were cheesy but my mom had one and I always liked it.
It's just convenient having those little disposable cups around. 

 Fraser kisses me once, real gentle and sweet before he leaves me alone to
get clean. I don't realize it until he's gone but we're so in sync we
didn't have to say a word in the last ten minutes. 

 The hot water feels good and goes a long way to loosening me up. I still
feel like crap, but at least the Advil is kicking in. I force myself to
make the shower quick, well as quick as your grandma might be. 

 I manage to get out, get dressed and back into the living room before any
of the military start rapping on the door that it's oh eight thirty or
something. 

 I'm not too happy to see that Vecchio hasn't left. He's sitting on the
arm of a chair instead of in it, still nursing his coffee. It's more than
obvious that he doesn't believe the "friends from college" story but he
can't prove anything so I'm not worried. I feel some guilt about not
telling him the truth after he tried to help me but on the other hand, he
was completely wrong so maybe I don't feel that guilty. 

 Jack jumps up as soon as he sees me. I notice that he's looking better
too. 

 "All right, we ready to go?" 

 He's too anxious to go tour a museum and I know he meant that last bit as
an order to his subordinates. I look over at Daniel who's watching Jack
with an amused smirk. He catches me looking and we share a smile over it. 

 Carter is all military though. She gets up, grabs her gear and heads
towards the door. She knows an order when she hears it. 

 Vecchio stands up too. He takes his cup into the kitchen where I hear
water running then both he and Fraser come back out. 

 "Well, that's my cue, I guess," Vecchio says. "You sure you're all right,
Kowalski? A couple nights ago you were passed out on my front lawn." 

 "Hey, I never passed out." 

 It's too late and I know it. Fraser turns into my mom and the military
contingent gears up for the upcoming emergency. 

 "It was nothing," I try to reassure them. 

 "What's he talking about, Ray?" Fraser asks. 

 "He decided to starve himself," Vecchio fills in, helpfully. "After you
clocked him, he came over to my house." 

 Fraser turns another shade of white. 

 "It's okay, Fraser, we're all past that." 

 "Can we sort this out in the car?" Jack asks. "We're on a tight schedule
here." 

 "Uh, yeah," Daniel says more carefully. "We, uh, we can hash out the
details on the way. And Ray said it's all been settled anyway so..." 

 "Right," Carter agrees. She looks like she's trying to think of something
else to say, then she just repeats herself. "Right." 

 Vecchio just gives us all an "uh huh" look before he comes over to me and
Fraser. 

 "You know I don't believe any of this, right?" He asks. 

 "What's not to believe?" I answer. 

 "We're all right now, Ray." Fraser is much nicer than I am. "While I
appreciate your concern, there's no cause for it." 

 "If you're gonna have college buddies, they ought to be your age,"
Vecchio says. I should have thought of that. Carter and Daniel are
probably five years younger than me, maybe more and O'Neill is at least
ten years older. 

 "Ever hear of community college, Vecchio? Everybody goes there." 

 He gives me a look that tells me he knows I'm lying but he's not going to
do anything about it. Fraser doesn't change expression at all. 

 "Okay, I'll check in with you later. I'm not leaving town for a couple of
days," Vecchio says before he says a more public good-bye to my guests and
goes out the door. 

 We all give a sigh of relief when he goes. I don't know why I care if he
finds out the truth. He may be an ass but he's honest and he wouldn't
spread it around if he knew there were aliens among us. And really, I
can't believe I'm even thinking like that. 

 "Even I give Vecchio more credit than believing that lame ass story," I
say. 

 Jack ignores me. 

 "So, how'd you know to bust in here?" I ask Carter. "And who's the guy in
the ski cap?" 

 "When six o'clock came around and your car was still parked outside but
neither you nor Daniel had come out, I thought there might be trouble. I
phoned the Consulate and they said that Constable Fraser and his guest had
left several hours earlier. I was hoping that his guest might be Colonel
O'Neill. As for the man in the cap, he's the fourth member of our team.
He's escorting the life forms back to the base with Dr. Fraiser." 

 "What's a Stargate?" I ask. All eyes turn to Jack. 

 "Never heard of it," he says. I notice Daniel is busily keeping a blank
expression. 

 "You gotta love national security. So, why'd you two follow me around
instead of just asking? How'd you connect Jack to Fraser anyway?" 

 "We had a trace on Jack's truck," Daniel says. "We almost caught him a
couple of times before he reached here but Jack is well trained and he
knew how to keep ahead of us. Anyway, we traced him to Chicago and then we
started checking into missing persons files because after reviewing Jack's
medical tests and talking with one of our allies, we'd learned that this
life form was actually two life forms and would likely take a second
person. We whittled through the cases by date and eventually we narrowed
the possibilities." 

 "Jack's medical tests?" 

 "We're required to have frequent physicals," Carter says with just enough
urgency that I know they don't want any more questions about it. "When
Daniel read the report on Constable Fraser," she continues. "He was
convinced that Fraser was the one." 

 "Fraser fit," Daniel says. "He wasn't likely to have disappeared on his
own given his profession and position with the Consulate. There was no
evidence of foul play and no witnesses or leads to follow. He had
disappeared in the truest sense and that made him the most likely
candidate." 

 "So, why didn't you approach me sooner?" 

 "We were still checking your background and the Constable's," Carter
says. "We were both surprised to see you at the diner on that second day.
We had just stopped to have lunch and you showed up again." 

 "Lucky for me, I guess. The alien guys could've had me gone before you
ever got around to asking the questions." 

 "We needed to be cautious for a number of reasons," Carter says. 

 "Like maybe bug-man had ditched O'Neill for me, right?" 

 "Partly, yes," she agrees. 

 Remembering the last few days hits me kind of suddenly and I really wish
they'd come to me sooner. I understand why they didn't but it doesn't make
it any easier. 

 "And you don't remember anything either?" I ask Jack. 

 His first expression is kind of lost but he changes right away. 

 "I don't remember anything after we returned to the base." 

 "Wow. That's a lot of time to go without knowing what you were doing." 

 Jack looks away from me and Daniel frowns. He puts his hand on Jack's
shoulder. It looks intimate to me but I figure people only see what they
want to see. 

 "We traced your whole trip, Jack. You didn't do anything wrong." 

 "Except wallop you and assault him." 

 "It doesn't matter. No one is hurt and we all know you weren't yourself."


 I think Jack wants to talk more but he's obviously aware of his audience
so he stands up instead. 

 "Okay, are we ready, people? We have a plane to catch," he says. 

 Daniel and Carter jump to like they're used to his orders and Fraser
responds just like them. 

 "I've already packed a few things for us and I took the liberty of
phoning Lieutenant Welsh," Fraser says. "He knows you won't be back to
work until the day after tomorrow." 

 "What'd you tell him?" 

 "That you were sore from the vehicle accident." 

 That's Fraser, a lie without really lying. I'm sore but that's not why
I'm missing work. 

 There's nothing much to say after that. We put our things together, lock
up the apartment and find a van waiting for us downstairs. There's a young
Airman driving and he salutes smartly before he loads our bags for us. 

 From there we make the three-hour drive to the Scott Air Force Base. Both
Fraser and Jack O'Neill fall asleep en route. Fraser is sitting beside me
and he lets his head rest against my shoulder while his lax hand stays
entwined with mine. Daniel is sitting beside Jack. Jack is leaning towards
him but just their shoulders are touching and Daniel is keeping his hands
to himself. 

 It must be hard keeping their secret in the military. Fraser and I choose
to stay private but we don't make it an issue. It's a difference that I'm
glad for. 

 I look out the window at the passing landscape and feel the tension I've
been carrying disappear. We'll go to Colorado to be safe but I already
know that my Fraser is here. He made it back home to me. 

 I know I have to tell him about the stuff that went on while he was gone.
I owe him the truth and it'd be good to get it out in the open. But for
now, we're together and that's as close to home as I need to be. 

End Finding The Way Home by Elizabeth Mc: intrvert@aol.com

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