Stay      Stay

 by Innusiq

  

 Author's website: http://www.tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

 Disclaimer: 

 Author's Notes: Comments are aways welcome.

 Story Notes: Spoilers for the follwoing episodes: Free Willie, Victoria's
Secret/Letting Go, Juliet is Bleeding and Burning Down the House.

 

 

 Stay
 by: Jenny Hill 

 Fraser closed the door to his new apartment after having walked Ray, his
new and only best friend not including the wolf, back to his car. He
exhaled heavily as he panned around the room before him. While it was true
that he was home, it was definitely not home. Home was a few hundred miles
away in an area much colder and cleaner than the city that would now serve
as his home for as long as the higher ups of the R.C.M.P. deemed was a
proper amount of time for punishment. 

 The apartment was truly no different than his living quarters up North.
The basic essentials were all that filled the apartment and even though
the essentials were present, the apartment was still empty as always. It
contained a bed, kitchen table and chairs, refrigerator, sink and stove,
all of which the apartment came furnished with and all a luxury in the
Mountie's eyes. So, in truth, he didn't own the contents, they were part
of the apartment. The only things he did own were secured in a trunk,
which was placed to the right of the small bed in the Spartan apartment. 

 Fraser's eyes fell upon his father's trunk, now his where Ray and he had
placed it the previous day, still looking out of place in the apartment
just as much as he was feeling out of place. There wasn't a natural
feeling in these walls and he had yet to decide if that was where the
trunk's final resting-place would be. The importance of the need for the
trunk was that it contained all he owned. Everything that in the end would
make the apartment his home or as close as he could make it feel like
home. 

 Fraser began dismantling his uniform on his way towards the small closet
across the room. He unbuckled his belt first and divested of it and the
brown uniform jacket quickly. Once each item was securely hung and put
away, along with the Stetson, he closed the closet door and returned back
to the center of the room. 

 His life was contained in that trunk. Everything, except for the uniforms
hung in the closet and partially on him, was contained in that trunk. This
was the final step. He had a position at the Canadian Consulate in
Chicago, acquired an apartment to live in while stationed in Chicago and
now, all that needed to be done was unpack and unpacking was the one thing
he did not want to do. Unpacking would mark the transition complete and
final. There would be no turning back and even though there really wasn't
any turning back no matter what, by unpacking, in his own mind, he was
giving up. He would be accepting the changes in his life that he had no
control over and that was a suffocating realization. 

 Fraser bypassed the pending chore and walked over to the window in the
kitchen that opened to the fire escape. It was still light out but the sun
was on its way down for the night. A whine from near his feet brought
Fraser's attention to Diefenbaker who was looking up with concern and
understanding. 

 "Do you want to go outside?" Fraser watched the tail of his friend begin
to wag, knowing without asking he would. "Come on." 

 Fraser opened the window and allowed the wolf exit and then followed him
out onto the fire escape. It was an escape, for at least a few moments,
out of his new life. It was a step outside of the box that was his prison.
After watching Diefenbaker descend a few flights down, Fraser took a seat
and relaxed against the side of the building. It wasn't the Territories
but it was outside and would do for now. 

 Taking a deep breath, Fraser couldn't overlook the obvious differences
between the air in Chicago and the Territories. The air in Chicago was
thicker than he was use to and although it wasn't life altering it would
take some getting use to. There were more scents and odors and most of
those new scents were not pleasant nor were they natural. 

 The air wasn't the only difference. Visually, the city looked dirty.
There was a haze that hung over the city and no matter the day or what the
weather was like it was there. Some days were worse than other days but
however the visibility was on any given day it was something that Fraser
was not accustomed to. The only time Fraser couldn't actually see clearly
in the Territories was when it was snowing and even then it still wasn't
anything like Chicago. Fraser rubbed his hands together and he could
almost feel the grit. 

 Diefenbaker's head popped up from the fire escape steps below and then he
hopped up to join Fraser. 

 "You feel the difference too," Fraser observed, watching the wolf curl up
next to him with a huff. 

 Fraser absently stroked his fingers through the wolf's fur as he
continued to look over his new neighborhood. As Ray had said, it was a
rougher end of town but nothing Fraser was afraid of. His new living
arrangement was more a challenge and offered him the opportunity to help
out where he was needed and he was needed here more than anywhere else. 

 Diefenbaker placed his head on Fraser's thigh and sighed. His mood
mirrored Fraser's and that sparked a feeling of guilt that he never should
have brought the wolf to the States let alone Chicago. 

 "I'm sorry," Fraser felt obligated to offer the wolf an apology. 

 "Hey, you got room for one more?" 

 The voice started Fraser at first. He was normally overly aware of his
surroundings, as his occupation called for but so much had happened over
the last couple weeks that his normal alert senses seemed to have hit the
level of overload. The voice startled but there was a quick transformation
from the Mountie being startled to him relaxing to the vocal sounds of his
friend's voice. 

 Ray stuck his head out of the window, looking over at the Mountie and
wolf whom both seemed more at home on the fire escape then inside the
walls of the apartment. 

 "Ya know, you really should keep your door locked," he offered the
suggestion, knowing already that his words were falling on deaf ears. The
detective climbed out the window and joined his friend. 

 Fraser watched as Ray uncomfortably got comfortable and once he found a
position that was only good enough, he exhaled with annoyance. 

 "Thank you Ray, for your concern. I will remember that." 

 Ray made a sweeping observation of the view offered by the fire escape,
which wasn't anything to write home about. There was an alley, the back of
the next building and sky. The sun was setting over the city, calling the
day to a close and Ray couldn't help but think that it was about time. 

 "So, how are you two settling in?" Ray asked looking over at Fraser who
seemed a bit melancholy. 

 "What are you doing here?" Fraser asked, genuinely curious as to why Ray
was back when he had dropped them off less than thirty minutes ago. 

 "What?" Ray responded with confusion at being answered with a question. 

 "Why did you come back?" 

 "Why?" Ray asked out loud of himself. His answer to himself was a shrug.
"I don't know, just thought you might need a little help settling in. I
think I was right. Are you gonna unpack or is the middle of the apartment
where you plan on keeping the trunk. 

 Fraser chuckled and shook his head. "No, that is not where I plan on
keeping the trunk. It's just . . . I . . . I'm not ready to unpack yet." 

 Ray nodded his head, strangely understanding the man he had only recently
met. 

 "It's almost inconceivable that a month ago my father was still alive and
I was home, carrying out my duty like any other day. And now here I am,
thousands of miles away from the land that I know like my own skin,"
Fraser said, trying to explain more clearly to the Chicago native. "I
don't belong here." 

 "Where, Chicago? Chicago loves you," Ray interjected. "You are gonna fit
in just fine." 

 "When?" Fraser asked seriously. 

 "Benny, you've only officially been living in Chicago for little over a
week. It's gonna take some time, that's all. I've lived here my whole life
and occasionally there are days even I don't feel I belong. It may not be
the same feeling you are having now and is more due to my fellow
Chicagoans rather than the city itself but I can guarantee that it will
get better." 

 Fraser sighed, resting his head back against the building's brick wall.
"I want to go home." 

 It was an admission that would only see the light of day once and never
again would he speak of it. Uttering those words helped Fraser to let go
of what he couldn't change and get him on the road to acceptance of his
new life. 

 Ray was laughing next to him. 

 "I don't think that was funny," Fraser argued, shocked by Ray's reaction.


 "No," Ray said shaking his head. "I'm not laughing at you it's just
funny, that's all." 

 "I don't understand." The confusion was evident on the Mountie's face and
Ray had to sober up quickly to explain. 

 "It's funny, you want to go home and yet I want you to stay." 

 "Stay?" 

 Ray leaned back against the wall himself turning his head to look at
Fraser. "Yeah, stay. I've kinda gotten use to you being around. I mean
you're my partner and best friend might I add so I'm in no hurry of
getting rid of you just yet. 

 "I haven't had a partner in a long while now or at least one that lasted
very long and I think we work good together. You are giving me a whole new
look at my own status as a cop, making it seem possible to make a
difference so yeah, I want you to stay." 

 Fraser was grinning. 

 "What?" Ray asked defensively. 

 Fraser shook his head, clearing his face of the foolish grin. 

 "Thank you, Ray." 

 "You're welcome, Benny." 

 The two men turned their sights up towards the darkening sky and
continued sitting out on the fire escape well past sunset.  

 In the last week Ray had walked up and down this hallway more times than
he had fingers to count on. He never left the hospital during the first 24
hours but there came a point and time when even he couldn't refuse his
body's need for rest, and an escape from reality and memories that were
far too close to the surface. Once he knew Fraser would pull through, it
became necessary for him to leave for a few hours each day. When that time
came, Ray allowed himself to be driven home to a house he didn't
recognize. 

 He had heard of the state that Fraser left his home in but that he was
able to forgive. It was the necessary of two evils. If Fraser was going to
flee the state (and possibly country) with a criminal, best to make sure
his best friend wasn't left in the lurch or that there wasn't any hard
evidence pointing in his direction. Granted, he already looked guilty but
Ray was thankful that Fraser hadn't lost all his marbles and equally
thankful to the men and women of the 27th whom volunteered to put his
house back together during his 24-hour vigil at the hospital. 

 Some days seemed to last weeks and some weeks seemed to last a lifetime.
While the days now seemed to drag, time appeared to be passing by faster
than normal. It seemed like only yesterday Ray was watching Fraser run
after a woman on a train but in reality that was two weeks ago today. What
didn't help matters was that Ray really didn't have anywhere else to go.
There was home and then there was the hospital. Work was out of the
question since Lt. Welsh ordered that Ray to take an undetermined amount
of time off due to the nature of circumstances revolving around the
situation at hand and he couldn't simply sit at home and watch the time
pass by without notice. He was all too aware of the time. Time was his
enemy. 

 The situation at hand, such a cold way of referring to the recent events
that nearly tore the two friends apart. The reference was as cold as the
hospital itself and Ray shivered on his course to Fraser's room. The sound
of his heels against the linoleum was the only noise breaking up the daily
sounds of a functioning hospital and no one seemed to take notice of him
as he passed. He had become as much part of the building as they all were.
This was now part of his life, for as long as Fraser would need to stay
here. He had no choice but to get used to it. 

 Coming to a stop outside Fraser's room, Ray took a deep breath and
released it slowly in an effort to gain courage from wherever it would
come. Sadly, it did not but he didn't have a choice upon entering or not.
Ray pushed the door open and entered as he did every day before this. 

 The room was bright, being lit by the sun. The nurses had this habit of
thinking everyone wanted their curtains open to enjoy the outside as much
as possible. Their beliefs were stupid in Ray's opinion. To him, it only
reminded a person of what they couldn't enjoy and the first thing he did
upon entering the room was close those curtains. 

 Perhaps it wasn't so much as to protect Fraser from the tease of the
outside world but more to cover up the life Ray didn't want to view in the
daylight. This day though, Ray closed the curtains only halfway. He would
sit with his back to the window today. 

 Ray took a seat next to his immobile friend's bed and sighed heavily. It
was going to be a long day and if he were lucky, no one would bother him. 

 "Ray?" The voice of his friend was weak due to the pain medication the
doctors were keeping him on but he was finally alert. The only reason Ray
knew this was because Fraser actually knew it was him there and no one
else. 

 "Yeah . . . Benny?" The name almost seemed wrong to use but if not Benny,
then what? Fraser? Was he not still his best friend? Was he not still
Benny? 

 These were all questions Ray wouldn't allow himself to think about just
yet. It would have to be done sooner or later he knew that. They would
both have to discuss what happened and how it would effect their
friendship, if there would be any effect on it. But now was not the time. 

 Fraser turned and looked out between the curtains, trying to figure out
how long he had been in the hospital and failing. 

 "What day?" Fraser asked, rubbing his eyes with his injured hand. The
sentence wasn't complete but Ray knew what he was asking. 

 Ray's eyes locked on the bandage. 

 "Thursday," he responded flatly. 

 Fraser nodded, trying to calculate the time frame in his head. Fraser
brought his hand down to rest on his chest and remained quiet with his
eyes shut. His head was still foggy from the medications that had been
administered and the visual assaults of the previous week's events
overwhelmed him, making thinking impossible. 

 Ray could sense the calculations Fraser was processing through and
watched over the facial movements as his friend reconciled the time frame.
There was a predominant frown once realization hit and Fraser attempted to
move causing his eyes to shoot open in pain. 

 Ray stood up immediately. 

 "You okay," he asked, placing a hand on Fraser's shoulder to still him. 

 Fraser managed a nod of denial as he attempted to breathe through the
pain that pulsated through his body like shock waves. "I'm . . . f . . .
fi . . . ne . . ." 

 "Uh-huh, sure Benny. Do you want me to get the nurse?" Ray was on his way
towards the door when his hand was grabbed. 

 "No," Fraser stated, painfully but his breathing was beginning to even
out. He wasn't able to coherently explain to Ray that he had already
received a dose of medication earlier in the morning to relieve the pain
he was in and wouldn't be due for another for a couple hours. He had been
reduced to the simplest of words. "Stay." 

 The one-word sentences were a change coming from the Mountie but Ray
understood. It was hard enough on him to verbalize what he was thinking.
He could only imagine what was going through Fraser's head. He could only
imagine what kind of demons lurked in the dark recesses of Fraser's mind. 

 Fraser released Ray's hand as he came back to take his seat again. He
sighed heavily, staring up at the ceiling, refusing himself a look at Ray.
He was the only person Fraser had to depend upon and yet he didn't deserve
him. Fraser needed Ray and he didn't have the right to ask for his
support. If anything, Ray should have kept on walking out the room, down
the corridor and straight out of the hospital, never to set eyes on Fraser
again, for as long as they lived but he was still there. Ray was standing
by him, whether Fraser deserved him or not and Fraser wasn't about to
throw his rock away. 

 And Ray didn't push him. Ray took his seat next to the bed and remained
quiet, as if the silence alone could heal them but that was not healthy or
possible. So much more needed to be done but at that moment, being able to
sit together in the same room was good enough. Ray began twiddling his
thumbs for lack of anything better to do. He concentrated on their
movements to keep from staring at the figure of his best friend. 

 When Fraser's breathing evened out to being barely detectable, Ray
figured he had fallen back asleep as was the norm and only then would he
look at Fraser. It was fear, the fear that if they had made eye contact
that they would have to discuss what they weren't ready to discuss. It was
simply easier for now to avoid the pain and betrayal. 

 "Ray?" 

 Ray jumped. "Yeah?" 

 Fraser turned his head to look Ray in the eye if only to make certain Ray
would tell him the truth. "Dief?" 

 Ray offered a small smile of relief. He knew Fraser would be asking about
the wolf sooner or later. 

 "Dief's good. Vet says he may get to come home this week yet. Ma is
looking forward to being able to pamper him to no end." 

 Ray could see Fraser was pleased with the news. He didn't smile or say
anything to the fact but there was a slight change in his eyes that
reflected a small speck of happiness. It was the most Fraser could do in
his altered state. 

 Fraser returned his sights towards the ceiling and this time, when his
breathing evened out, he did fall asleep. It wasn't the most peaceful
sleep but it was much needed sleep. He had many long weeks ahead of him
and it was best for him to stock up on his sleep while he could. 

 Relaxing back into the chair that seemed to have his name etched on it,
Ray stayed as Fraser had requested. He may not have been fully aware of
Ray's presence for the most part but Ray would be there if Fraser needed
him and even if he didn't think he needed Ray.	

 The silence was worse this time, compared to when Fraser was hospitalized
a few months back. The reason for the intensity was due to the fact that
both men were conscience this time and fully aware of their surroundings.
They both were able to carry a conversation but words failed each of them.


 The hour was late and to Ray's relief, everyone in the house was already
in bed, fast asleep and unaware of what had transpired earlier in the
evening. Ray decided it was best that way for he really didn't have it in
him to explain what had happened. Looking down at his hands Ray couldn't
miss the stains of blood he was unable to fully wash away. Ray froze on
the spot, unable to move, unable to think, unable to breathe. 

 Fraser was more than aware of Ray's distraction as he came up behind his
friend and placed a hand on his shoulder. The contact was the jumpstart
Ray needed to breathe again, bringing him back to the present, to his
living room and to the realization of the guilt he was feeling. Fraser
gave Ray's shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze before allowing his hold
to slide down to take a leading grip on Ray's elbow. Cautiously Fraser led
his friend into the kitchen and then towards the sink. 

 Ray was still in a daze as he watched his best friend turn on the kitchen
faucet and let the water run until he felt it was of a desired
temperature. It was like watching video footage of someone else's life.
This wasn't real and yet it was all too real. 

 Fraser reached out and tentatively took hold of Ray's hand, directing
them toward the running water. At that moment, Ray needed to be taken care
of even if he wasn't willing to ask for the help. It appeared neither of
them knew how to ask the other for help but knew when the other needed it.
When help was offered, it was never refused. Fraser began washing the
remaining blood off of Ray's hands. 

 The warm water was soothing and Ray closed his eyes allowing his friend
to minister to his wounds. They weren't physical wounds but painful
memories that had festered over time starting back when he was a young
boy. He knew a life with Irene would be doomed way back then. Even when he
saw her in the restaurant on the night of her brother's birthday
celebration, Ray knew there was no chance in the world for them but he
cared for her and worried about her and wanted to save her as he did all
those years ago but couldn't. The fact he got under Frank Zuko's skin in a
bad way was only a perk but he should have known better that he couldn't
save her now either. 

 Ray didn't notice when the water was stopped. He came back to the present
when he felt his hands being dried and he concentrated on that act. While
Fraser towel dried his hands, Ray was taken back by the differences of
their hands. Ray's hands were long and lean and if he could venture
towards the truth of his beliefs, weak and frail. They began shaking while
Fraser was drying them off. 

 Fraser's on the other hand were like the whole man, perfect. They were
broad and strong and steady. They were pale in color like the rest of the
man but even though the color was most associated with weakness, Fraser
was far from that. He was the strongest man Ray had the pleasure of
knowing and even though Ray thought the man perfect, he also knew Fraser
was far from that. He was human just like everyone else in the world but
in acknowledging that fact, it made him seem even more perfect. 

 Ray looked up at Fraser whom seemed to have been studying Ray for a while
and received a slight smile from his friend. 

 Fraser released Ray's hands to fold the dishtowel and hang it in the sink
to dry. When he turned back to Ray it was to find him staring at his now
clean hands. Fraser took hold of the hands to distract Ray's thoughts. 

 "Everything will be all right," Fraser said, feeling it needed to be said
out loud. 

 Ray looked back at Fraser, his eyes full of fear and disbelief. 

 "You sure about that?" 

 "I am sure," Fraser sounded confident in his response but he would never
admit to anything less. "Come on," Fraser said, leading Ray out of the
kitchen and towards the staircase leading upstairs. 

 "No," Ray refused to go to his room. 

 "Ray, it's late and been a long tiring day . . . week at that rate. You
need your sleep." 

 "No . . . I just . . . I'm not tired . . . " It was a lie but Ray knew if
he went to bed that his brain would take him places he didn't want to go.
It wouldn't be into a happy dreamland but more a nightmarish hell. 

 Ray walked away from Fraser and headed for the oversized couch in the
living room. He collapsed on it, the cushions giving away, knowing where
support was needed and fitting to his contours, as only a good friend
would know how. 

 The room was quiet, too quiet for Ray's liking. "Are you just gonna stand
there?" 

 "I . . . ah . . . I thought I should go . . . " 

 Ray didn't even look in Fraser's direction when he responded. "If you
even think of walking out that door . . . I will just have to come after
you. Please stay." 

 It was a request Fraser couldn't refuse or one that Ray wouldn't let him
refuse. 

 "I really should . . . " 

 "Fraser!" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "Sit." Ray was still relaxed on the couch, having not moved since sitting
and his head rested against its back. 

 The word was said as an order and Fraser obeyed, taking a seat on the
opposite end of the couch. Perhaps Fraser feared him lashing out at him,
releasing the pent up anger that Fraser could only imagine was being
bottled deep down. Ray frowned at the thought of Fraser fearing him. Ray
would have denied such an action but he would have to bite his tongue for
he had lashed out at Fraser twice since this whole mess started and both
times Fraser didn't deserve it. At this point, Ray didn't believe he
deserved Fraser. 

 "How much more can our friendship take?" Ray asked out of the blue in
words that sounded as tired as he felt. 

 Fraser responded in typical Fraser style. "Some say a good friendship
holds a bond that can stand the test of time." 

 Ray turned his head to look at Fraser, not lifting it from the couch's
back. "Were we being tested?" 

 Fraser met Ray's eyes. "Perhaps." 

 "Did we pass?" 

 Fraser pondered the question, uncertain of the answer at first but after
further inspection of the events leading up to this moment, he couldn't
deny the truth. 

 "Yes, I believe so." 

 Ray smiled for the first time in days. It was a genuine and honest smile
that spoke of the faith he had in Fraser but the smile disappeared quickly
and was replaced by sadness. "I'm so tired, Benny." 

 "You need sleep, Ray." 

 "I know but if I lay down . . . the nightmares will begin . . . I don't .
. . I can't . . . " 

 Fraser reached out, wanting to calm Ray's fears, and touched his
shoulder. Ray's words were stopped by the contact and his actions were
beyond his control. Fraser led Ray's body to a reclined position, with his
head pillowed by Fraser leg. 

 Ray kicked off his shoes as Fraser pulled the blanket that lay across the
back of the couch over Ray. Ray's body curled into a secure position and
he sighed with relief of not being left alone for the night. 

 "I'll stay with you tonight," Fraser offered, knowing Ray wouldn't let
him go anyway. "If the nightmares should come, we can get through them
together." 

 Ray cocked his head up to look at Fraser. 

 "What would I do without you?" 

 Fraser didn't responded to the question immediately but contemplated his
response for the right words. Perhaps it was to make sure he wouldn't say
anything he would regret or anything that would spook Ray but at this
point, what would spook Ray? He was the one reclined on the couch with his
head resting on his best friend's leg, his male best friend's leg. The
picture they served would not be looked kindly upon but Ray didn't
complain or protest what it would look like. 

 In the end, Fraser chose the truth. "I wonder that myself about you." 

 The admission was gifted by a smile from Ray before he turned back to
looking across the room. It was only a matter of minutes before Ray's eyes
closed beyond his control. Fraser breathed easier, knowing Ray was getting
the sleep his body was craving and amazingly, he slept through the night
with very little disturbances.	

 The smell of rain hung in the air for most of the evening and due to the
lack of precipitation over the last few weeks, he should have known that
he wouldn't make it back in time before the heavens opened up in a
torrential downpour. The city needed it though so he couldn't complain. A
little water never truly hurt anyone or any wolf as the case may be. 

 Diefenbaker climbed up the last few rungs of the fire escape ladder and
carefully popped up onto the landing that would bring him to the kitchen
window of the apartment he and Fraser shared. The lights were off but he
knew Fraser was home and that he was not alone. Diefenbaker had "stepped
out" to give the men some privacy but the rain caused his hasty return.
When he had left the apartment, it was to escape the raised voices and
flailing arms but now, all was calm. The wolf quietly jumped in through
the window, shaking off the excess water and curled up at the foot of the
bed. 

 Fraser was propped up on his elbow watching the wolf. Even though
Diefenbaker was trying to be quiet, Fraser still heard him approach the
window and jump in. He prayed the water droplets Diefenbaker shook off
didn't make it anywhere near Ray's jacket that was hanging on the back of
one of the kitchenette chairs but there was nothing he could really do
about that now after the fact. 

 Fraser closed his eyes, enjoying the relaxing reverberation of the rain
against the buildings of the neighborhood and pavement on the street
below. The rain's gentle rhythm was soothing and eased the day's pain
away. It was a pain that he had never felt before and short from going
against every fiber in his body, there was nothing he could do to stop it.


 The bed was small so when the body next to him tossed for the fifth time
that hour, Fraser couldn't help but to look down at him. Ray was sleeping
but it wasn't a restful sleep. Both men were fully clothed sans jackets
and shoes. Fraser couldn't help but notice Ray wouldn't be pleased by the
current state of his white dress shirt that before looked perfectly
pressed but now resembled a shirt that hadn't been retrieved from the
dryer in time. 

 Fraser reached out and pulled at the shirt but the wrinkles were there
for the count and would need ironing after a good washing. It was
domestic, thinking about laundry and he liked that. He liked Ray being
here, in his apartment, in his bed and basically in his life. A life
without Ray was no life at all. Fraser laughed at the thought. 

 He could live without Ray. Physically, Fraser could survive. He would
still have everything that was needed to sustain life: air, food, water, a
roof over his head and clothes on his back. He could live in Chicago
without Ray but he didn't want to and admitting that was the hardest part
and the reasoning behind the anguish he was in. 

 The evening began like any other after work evening but there was
something different about Ray. Fraser couldn't pin point the change
exactly. It wasn't a visual change, Ray still looked like Ray but there
was something in the way Ray looked at him. He could only describe it as
Ray being on edge. There was something going on in his head that Ray
wasn't talking about and although they talked about everything there was
still something that everything didn't cover. 

 Fraser didn't expect Ray to tell him everything in life. Ray didn't owe
him that but Ray shared his life with Fraser and always felt obligated to
share everything. It was only a matter of time before Ray would divulge
this last secret and that day was today. It was a secret Fraser wasn't
expecting and although he was a little shocked by the revelation, he tried
not to let on to that fact. 

 *earlier* 

 "We gotta talk," Ray blurted out as Fraser was cleaning up the kitchen
table after dinner. 

 Fraser was expecting this for a while now and he quickly but not
noticeably quickly finished placing the dirty dishes in the sink and gave
Ray his full attention. It was late. The current case they were working on
had kept them out later than normal and it was nearing the midnight hour. 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 He stared at Fraser for a moment and Fraser could see the fear in his
eyes. That fear shot into Fraser and settled in the pit of his stomach. He
didn't have a clue as to what this was about but he feared the unknown. 

 "Come, sit down," Ray directed in a soft tone that matched the look in
his eyes. Ray knew Fraser could read him like a book and he didn't need
his eyes giving away anything he wasn't ready to. 

 Fraser took his seat again, across the table from Ray and noted the
change in his eyes. They remained quiet, Fraser waiting for Ray to speak
and Ray waiting for the courage to speak to build. 

 "You know I love you," Ray said, stating the obvious. 

 Fraser loved hearing Ray say those words out loud. "Yes, Ray and I love
you as well." 

 And Ray loved hearing Fraser say those words too. 

 This was not the secret being told. Both men knew they loved each other
and more so that they were in love with each other. Were they lovers? Of
course they were but not in all sense of the word's definition. They loved
one another and could easily admit feeling sexual love towards one
another. They were devoted to one another. In short, they were lovers but
hadn't taken that final step to consummate their relationship but not for
lack of wanting to. Ray held the line because it wouldn't be fair to his
partner. 

 "You know I admire you, Benny." 

 Fraser's head cocked to one side surprised by the admission and curious
as to where it was leading. "Admire me?" 

 "Yeah, admire. Who wouldn't?" 

 Ray didn't expect an answer but got one anyway. 

 "Me." 

 "What?" 

 "I can't say that I admire myself, Ray. I am not perfect and I have made
some mistakes that even I can't forgive myself for." 

 "Yeah but maybe you should. You know, you don't have to be perfect to be
admired. I forgave you long ago and perhaps that imperfection is what
makes me admire you so." 

 Fraser didn't understand and Ray could see it in his eyes. 

 "Ya see, when you first came to Chicago it was like you were up here,"
Ray demonstrated with his right hand raised about two feet above the
kitchen table. "And me and everyone else in Chicago were here," Ray's left
hand rested on the table's surface. "You were perfect to everyone,
including me and that made you almost seem better than the rest of us but
as I got to know you, I learned you weren't perfect. You were human like
the rest of us, and that is what made me begin to admire you. I knew then
I could be like you." 

 "Ray you don't have to be like me," Fraser protested, embarrassed by the
conversation's subject. 

 "I know I don't have to be like you but I want to be like you. I want to
help the little guy. I want to make a difference in the world . . . that
is why we have to talk." 

 Fraser didn't speak but waited for Ray to continue. 

 "A few months back, the Feds came to see me and they offered me a job." 

 "Ray, that is wonderful." The pride Fraser was feeling shown through his
smile. After all they had been through with the FBI in the past, it was
satisfying knowing Ray had made a good impression despite the local
agent's dislike of the highly competent officer. 

 "Yeah." Ray had to agree it was a step in the right direction career wise
but at what cost. 

 "Is there something wrong?" Fraser could sense the mixed emotions Ray was
processing through. 

 "Okay, here it is. There's this undercover assignment that I've been
asked to take on and I've accepted it. I just wanted to tell you because .
. . well . . . because we have no secrets, well I guess before I told you
we did but now we don't. I couldn't not tell you as they instructed me. I
couldn't. It was killing me keeping this from you and now it's still
killing me." 

 Ray was leaning over the table with his head in his hands, clearly
distraught over the conversation. 

 "Where?" 

 "What?" 

 "Where is your undercover assignment?" Fraser asked. 

 "Ah, Las Vegas." 

 Fraser nodded, accepting the information. "For how long?" 

 Ray looked up at Fraser with a suffering expression. "I don't know . . .
could be a few months or it could be longer. They didn't really say other
than until the job is done." 

 "When?" 

 Ray shrugged his shoulders. "They didn't say. I'm kinda like 'on call,'
if that is what you can call it. When ever they decide it's time, it's
time." 

 Ray watched Fraser's true feelings being disclosed on his face and the
pain in his chest intensified. "What is it?" 

 Fraser masked his feelings quickly before responding. "Nothing, it is a
great opportunity, Ray." 

 "That's it? That's all you have to say?" 

 Fraser was shocked by Ray's outburst. "What do you want me to say?" 

 Ray stood up, shoving his chair back and that is when the arms started
flailing. 

 "I don't know, something, anything that tells me how you really feel. Not
this stoic programmed Mountie response. Don't use that tactic on me, not
here and not now." 

 "Ray," Fraser began, standing up as well and continuing in a softer
voice. "What do you want me to say?" 

 "I don't know . . ." It was a vicious circle. 

 Ray ended up looking out the window after a retreating wolf. He never
could take the pressure when push came to show. 

 "If you asked me to stay I would," Ray whispered, knowing Fraser well
enough to know he could hear him. 

 Fraser approached Ray from behind and wrapped his arms around him. 

 "I couldn't ask that of you. I don't have the right to ask that. I love
you too much to ask," Fraser said but he couldn't help but think that by
not asking, he didn't love Ray enough. 

 "I'm tired, Benny." Ray clung to Fraser's arms, not wanting to let go.
"I'm so tired." He hated fighting with Fraser and although it wasn't a
fight so much as having an aggravating conversation with no resolution, it
was emotionally draining nonetheless. 

 "You could stay here tonight," Fraser suggested, giving Ray's body a
squeeze. After the news he was dealt, he wasn't ready to let Ray go yet. 

 Ray turned around in the embrace. "I'd like that Benny. I'd like that a
lot." 

 *Present* 

 The rumbling of thunder in the distance brought Fraser back to the here
and now and he shuddered uncontrollably. Lying down next to Ray, Fraser
received enjoyment by watching his partner sleep. Ray looked relaxed and
at ease, far more so than he had been in the last couple weeks. His mouth
was slack in non-expression and his breathing was even. He was at peace
and Fraser would like nothing more than to keep him that way. 

 Reaching out, Fraser placed his hand on Ray's chest, over the area where
he could feel his heart beating, pulsing blood through his veins, keeping
him alive. He had Ray's life in the palm of his hand and it caused a power
struggle between what Fraser wanted and what he would allow himself to
admit to wanting. Fraser wanted Ray with his whole heart, body and soul
but he also wanted Ray to be happy and didn't want to be the one to stand
in his way. Fraser would never forgive himself for denying Ray anything in
the world, if he could prevent it. 

 Fraser moved closer to Ray to place a kiss over his heart. He laid his
head there, listing to Ray's heartbeat. They were in limbo and there were
only two doors to choose between. One lead to Heaven and eternal happiness
while the other lead to an uncertain future with many twists and turns and
no guarantee of happiness. 

 "I want you to stay, I do," Fraser whispered, hoping that voicing the
dream out loud would help him to let go of what he couldn't have. 

 As if those were the magic words that would bring Sleeping Beauty to
life, Ray's body came alive and before Fraser could understand the
fullness of what was happening, he found himself on his back with Ray on
top of him. 

 "Ray?" 

 "Hey, Benny." Ray was grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

 "How long have you been up?" 

 "Long enough," Ray replied as he settled on top of Fraser. 

 "I thought . . ." 

 "You thought I was sleeping? Ya know Benny, you're not the only one that
can lower their heart rate on command. You did teach me once, remember?"
Ray had both his hands in fists, one on top of the other on Fraser's chest
with his chin resting on top. 

 Fraser smiled and released a small chuckle. "Yes, I remember well." 

 "I love you." 

 "I know, Ray and I love you." 

 "No, I mean I really, really love you," Ray restated as the energy in his
body was taking over. He sat up astride Fraser and his arms, as always
with excitement, flailed. "I love you Benny, ya know, the whole ball of
wax, everything. Besides my family, you are my life and I can't imagine
being without you. I mean this may be sounding like a huge sap feast but
it's the truth and I don't know how else to explain it." 

 Fraser's hands held onto Ray's waist to steady him, for the bed was only
so wide and he didn't need to have Ray crack his head on the floor at this
moment and time. 

 "You weren't supposed to hear," Fraser said, feeling a little guilty over
the admission he made. 

 "I know," Ray said in a calmer tone. "I know. You were being noble and
sacrificing your own happiness for my career. Did you ever stop to think
you would make me much happier than any career boost? Truthfully, I could
careless about this stupid assignment. When I accepted it . . . it was
before you and me . . . and now . . . I didn't . . . I mean I wouldn't
allow . . . " 

 Ray was rambling and not making any sense to himself but Fraser seemed to
understand as always. He started to sit up and Ray met him half way as
their arms tangled and their lips connected, parting to allow the other
entrance. It was a hungry kiss. Both knowing there was nothing holding
them back. By the time they parted, the need for air much greater than the
need for each other, Ray's shirt had been unbuttoned and untucked and
Fraser's uniform suspenders were pushed down off his shoulders. 

 "Benny . . . " Ray said, still trying to catch his breath. 

 "Yes?" 

 "I can't leave . . . I won't leave." The last part was stated firmly, the
tone warning that there would be no argument with his decision. 

 "Thank God," Fraser exclaimed before pulling Ray closer for another kiss
and that was the last they spoke of the undercover assignment that night.
What followed was a leisurely first time that they would remember for the
rest of their lives. 

 End 

End Stay by Innusiq: Joymakers@neo.rr.com

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