Mangle Your Mind	  Mangle Your Mind

 by Snowee

  

 Author's website: http://snowee.50megs.com

 Disclaimer: Due South belongs to Alliance. Velvet Goldmine belongs to
Miramax. The rest is mine.

 Author's Notes: I'd like to do something to Anything's ass, but I can't
decide if it's kiss it or kick it. I blame her.

 Story Notes: Crossover with 'Velvet Goldmine' - a film by Todd Haynes

 This story is a sequel to: 1st in series 

 

 Chapter 1
 Stanley Raymond Kowalski lay in bed staring at the love of his life,
Stella. Beautiful and peaceful, she wore one of his white tees. In the
light clothing with her beautiful blonde hair and pale skin, he felt the
presence of an angel. 

 Perhaps that was what was bothering him. 

 Stella had long feathered hair and striking eyes. He could look at her
and see porcelain skin and long eyelashes with a smile he'd bring the moon
to, plus she was smart. Brilliant, he could say if pressed. She was a law
student with a bright future, rich parents, and the best upbringing. 

 He, on the other hand, was a college dropout who was waiting to get into
the police academy and preferred the comfort of an old t-shirt to the
suits she would be working with every day. 

 Despite all that, she loved him. Laying there, he could only ask himself
why. Why would she love a mess like him and why exactly did he love
perfection like her? 

 Sitting up slowly, he tried not to disturb her as he went into the
kitchen. A place for everything and everything in its place, Stella had
already washed their dinner dishes. The fact that she left them in the
drying rack begging for spots just showed that maybe he was rubbing off on
her. He put them in the cupboard quietly, knowing that if he didn't, she
would, and since it was his place he didn't want her to feel obliged. 

 It would be their place soon enough, but not yet. Part of him was
grateful for that, for the lingering freedom. The ring on her finger meant
she'd said yes, another 'why' he couldn't fathom, but the fact that they
hadn't set a date meant he could maintain some peace of mind. 

 Ray moved to the coffeemaker and opened the cupboard above it. Placing a
filter in its place and opening the coffee can, he started to measure
scoops into the coffee maker. Stella's coffeemaker. Technically it was his
now, but she'd bought it so that she could have freshly brewed coffee when
she stayed over. He didn't care about coffee. If he needed caffeine, he'd
stop at McDonald's and buy a cup. 

 Pouring water into the reservoir, he looked around the apartment. She'd
actually purchased several things for her own convenience, making his
apartment void of the bachelor pad look he'd worked to create. A fruit
basket hung over the counter and the fruit in it was actually mostly
fresh. No black bananas or wrinkled apples sat in it, but he didn't miss
that. 

 What he missed was being on top of things. He was the coolest and most
fun, but Stella had taught him to be more mature than that. He used to be
relaxed, but she taught him about responsibility. Not that those were bad
things, it's just that his freedom got lost along the way. 

 He heard footsteps moving toward the kitchen, but didn't turn. Smiling he
felt her gentle arms slip around him. The sound of the coffee percolating
filled the room with sound until he turned in her arms and embraced her.
"Good morning," he breathed. 

 "Morning," she said, giving him that smile he enjoyed. She let go to
brush back her hair before putting her arm around again and hugging him
close. Ray closed his eyes and held her close also, then kissed her
forehead. She lifted her chin so that he could kiss her lips and as he
soaked her in, he rubbed her back and licked her lower lip. 

 Stella moaned very softly, his only awareness in the vibration on his
mouth. He heard her breathing through her nose, it quickening ever so
slightly. He knew and could predict her every movement, her every breath
as she took in a deep one and ran her hand through his blonde hair. 

 Ray stepped toward her with one leg, turning her back against the counter
and pressing his body against hers until she sucked in deep and moaned.
Their lips fought to part as she pulled back and breathily pronounced his
name. "Ray." 

 He met her gaze steadily, watching her as she smoothly moved to take his
hand, then turned toward the bedroom. Ray didn't move, letting only his
arm follow until she turned back, the question in her eyes. It was then he
moved to her and put his arms around her again, their clasped hands behind
her back. He kissed her deeply on the lips, pushing her upper body back
before licking at her cheek and kissing it. "Let's do it here," he
suggested quietly. 

 Moving her arm from behind herself and squeezing his hand, she smiled
vaguely. "The bedroom..." 

 He nodded meekly. "It's just that," he began, but she quickly had a
response. 

 "I know, Ray. It's a really sexy idea, but we've talked about it before.
My shoulder blades dig into the linoleum." She felt the passion slipping
away as she let out a breath. 

 He moved his chin forward slightly and licked his lips. He knew just
suggesting it would be taking a chance. "Well, you know, if you were on
top..." 

 Stella moved back, letting go of his hand as he grasped, reluctant to let
go. Brushing her hair back on both sides, she sighed. 

 "I'm sorry," he said quickly. 

 "No, it's just - you know I'm not comfortable with that." 

 He nodded emphatically. "I know, I know," he breathed, looking at the
floor. "I didn't mean..." Ray stepped up to her again and grabbed her
quickly, showing her what he did mean as he pressed his lips to hers, held
her body close, and walked her to the bedroom.	Ray twisted his tongue in
his mouth, playing with it mindlessly as he watched Stella's body resting
against his, breathing quickly, but slowly catching her breath. It was
safe and easy when they were together. He'd known her forever, it seemed,
and even when she was 12 he knew she was smart and beautiful and... 

 ...Perfect. 

 Sitting up slowly, Ray moved with caution, his body still worn out. "I'll
bring you some coffee," he offered. 

 Stella nodded, giving him a smile of appreciation. 

 In the kitchen again, Ray took a deep breath, calming the reactions of
his body while he poured her a cup. As he opened the sugar dish, another
of her minor improvements, he heard her moving in the bedroom. He put in a
teaspoon to sweeten as he heard the water in the bathroom turning on.
Carrying the steaming brew into the bathroom, he set it on the counter and
turned to face the shower. "Will I see you after classes today?" 

 Stella's head poked from the shower. "It's Thursday, Ray," she said. 

 He stared at her and shrugged. 

 She leaned forward slightly, her eyebrows raised as she reminded him. "We
have dinner with our parents tonight to set a date for the wedding?" 

 Ray nodded as he remembered. "Right." 

 Moving back into the shower, he watched her silhouette move under the
water, her hands helping to wet her hair. "Don't forget about the
appointment today. Make sure they cut it short," she suggested. "It's
getting a little long again." 

 Ray turned back to the mirror and looked at his blonde locks. Maybe it
was slightly long, but he liked it that way. First, his overbearing mother
had controlled his haircuts and his outfits, but now Stella seemed to be
taking the job. He suspected the only reason she let him get away with
what he wore was that he no longer had any desire to wear a too tight
green sweater and flared pants that made his legs look disproportionately
long. Hey, that was the fashion then, but his mom still stuck him in
button up shirts and preppie pants. 

 Frowning, he picked up a brush and brushed his hair, shrugging as he
turned. "Coffee's on the counter," he commented as he left the bathroom. 

 Chapter 2
 Long gone by the time Ray sat down to a bowl of cereal, Stella's smell
lingered in the apartment. Her aura was melding into the place so that
even when she wasn't there, he still felt her. 

 The sound of a garbage truck grew louder outside until he heard it pull
up under his window. Letting out a breath, he set down the morning paper
and glanced at his watch. He figured fifteen more minutes before he had to
leave. He was taking his friend to the airport and for a brief moment, he
entertained the idea of leaving this place himself. 

 No matter how many times he told himself he loved Stella and her
perfections, he knew that he simply didn't measure up. A million times
he'd tried to convince himself that the changes she made, the things she
left, and her essence were enough, but it had never felt right. Something
was missing; something important enough to make him second guess
everything. 

 Moving to leave the bowl in the sink, he swallowed the last of the milk
before setting it in. Ray brushed his hands over his pants and finished
his cup of coffee, then went into the bedroom to put on socks and black
boots. He went to the bathroom and as he washed his hands, he took another
look in the mirror. His blue eyes with a hint of green caught his
attention just a moment before he brushed his hand through his soft hair
again. A haircut? Why? 

 Shrugging, he left the bathroom then the apartment. Ray climbed into his
run down navy blue pinto and slapped the steering wheel when it didn't
start immediately. Apparently the car felt the threat, starting on his
next try and idling roughly before he pulled out. 

 Before the airport was Stella's stop. He pulled up to the barber and
hopped out. She'd made the appointment for him, but as he stood before the
window, he caught the reflection of a record shop from the corner of his
eye. Turning around, he looked at it carefully. He'd never noticed the
place before, but it also appeared to be new. 

 Crossing the street, the haircut was forgotten. Ray went into the shop
and looked at the slew of posters and racks of albums. He took the time to
finger through memories as he glanced at albums he'd wanted to own in his
youth. He'd been forced to settle for going to his buddy's house and
listening to them there, his mother refusing to let that "trash" into her
house. 

 Jimmy's mom was cool, in Ray's words. She let him wear the clothes and
listen to the albums as long as he earned the money to buy them himself.
Ray thought he would miss his friend most of the summer as he mowed lawns
and picked weeds to get what he wanted. Instead, Jimmy had offered to let
him in on the deal, but Barbara Kowalski, supportive of the work, said
he'd have to save every penny for college. She wouldn't let him waste it
on frivolous expenses, she explained. 

 So Jimmy and Ray mowed lawns together through the summer and afterwards,
Jimmy let Ray use his shower so they'd be clean as they sat around his
bedroom listening to music and talking about bands, gossip, and
surprisingly little about girls. Ray always assumed it was because Jimmy
didn't want to hear about Stella, but last year Jimmy revealed other
reasons for his aversion to women. 

 Ray didn't care. He didn't understand it, personally, but he didn't care.
Yet now as he looked at the albums they'd listened to together, biding his
time until he would be picking up Jimmy for a drive to the airport, he
remembered those teenage talks, complete with angst and all. 

 Tempted to buy one of those albums and take it home to reminisce, he
finally decided against it. When he left, he made note of the place,
glanced at the barber, then got back in his car and drove to Jimmy's
building.  "I'll be sure to come back for the wedding," Jimmy said as he
slung his black carryon over his shoulder. "Just let me know when you set
a date." 

 "Will do," Ray replied as he patted his friend on the back. Jimmy grinned
and Ray flashed him the boyish smile that had lasted into adulthood,
dimples and all. 

 He watched Jimmy walk through the doors at the gate before he sat in the
waiting chairs and watched the tarmac for other planes taxiing in and out.
Eventually they closed the doors and the plane began to move. 

 Sitting there, Ray thought of Jimmy's freedom. He was moving to Seattle
where he would start a new job and a new life. Ray, who wasn't unfamiliar
with a fresh start, thought of his comfortable life and wondered what it
would be like. He was ten when his family moved from Albany, New York to
Chicago. It took him two years to find Stella and another year after that
before he was close enough with Jimmy to confide secrets. Jimmy and Stella
had been just about his only friends that whole time and their loyalty was
something he had been grateful for. 

 Now he wondered what starting again would be like. The politics of ten
year olds had made it difficult to fit in; especially for a kid in button
down shirts and black rimmed glasses. Now he could just go somewhere and
start again and it would be easy, just like it was going to be for Jimmy. 

 Yet, Ray had made too many commitments. He had proposed to Stella and the
acceptance letter to the academy was still sitting with the mail in the
wall hutch. He couldn't leave now. He couldn't leave ever now that the
rest of his life was planned. 

 "Announcing pre-boarding of flight 1138 to Albany. Passengers with small
children and those needing assistance my begin boarding," came the
friendly announcement. 

 Albany. Ray sat up straight and looked at the board. Albany, New York. He
hardly remembered the place, but it had been nearly fifteen years.
Standing, he reached into his back pocket and produced a leather tri-fold
wallet. His favourite wallet had been cruelly snatched from him on the
premise that it was old and worn out. Loved, he preferred to call it, but
as he opened the new one and glanced at the picture of Stella she had put
inside, he fingered behind the pocket to see his credit card. 

 Pursing his lips, he pondered only a moment longer before going to the
counter. "I want to go to Albany," he announced. 

 The woman smiled graciously and pointed toward the large hallway. "You'll
have to go to the ticket counter. I can only do check-ins here." 

 Ray nodded and turned, following her directions, then down to the main
floor where the airline counters were. He stood in a short line before
placing his wallet on the counter. "I want to go to Albany," he said. 

 A tall, thin man in the airline uniform clicked away. "When would you
like to leave?" 

 "There's a flight boarding now," Ray said, knowing that if he took a
moment to think about this, he wouldn't go. 

 The man clicked again. "I'm sorry, sir. That flight is completely booked.
The passengers have checked in and the spare seats appear to have standby
customers waiting." He looked at Ray's deflated expression and clicked
again. "There is a flight to New York City leaving in half an hour with
two seats left. You could rent a car and be in Albany by..." 

 "I'll take it," Ray jumped, pulling out the rectangular piece of plastic
and dropping it on the counter. 

 The man took it and started to work. "Round trip or one way?" 

 "One way," Ray stated. He didn't know when he'd be back. 

 "Name?" He asked for Ray's information and Ray recited it blindly,
thinking instead of New York. Yeah, screw Albany. He spent ten years there
that weren't particularly memorable. It was the big city he'd always
lusted after. The excitement and wildness - the precise freedom he was
seeking out - resided there. He didn't think about how far the credit card
would get him. It hardly seemed to matter. He was free and the thought was
invigorating. 

 Chapter 3
 Stella knocked on the apartment door and waited again, looking
impatiently at her watch. Finally, she reached into her purse and dug
around until she could produce the spare key he'd given her. Unlocking it
in frustration, she pushed the door open. Walking around the place, she
called for him. "Ray? Ray, where are you? What are you doing? I had to
search to find my key and..." she stopped short at the bedroom door,
staring at the open bathroom. The phone rang and she nearly leaped to it.
Grabbing it up, she was breathless. "Ray?" she asked immediately, drenched
in concern. 'Why would he be calling his own phone?' 

 "No, it's Damian," the voice said, confused. 

 "Oh, I'm sorry," Stella said quickly. 

 "Ray isn't home?" he asked. 

 Stella cleared her throat. "No." 

 "Oh. I thought we were having dinner." 

 "We are, we are," Stella said, trying to calm herself. "He's just not
here. Perhaps he already left for the restaurant." 

 "Oh," Damian replied. "Oh, well, we just called to say that it appears
we'll be a little late," he explained. "I guess we'll just see you kids
when we get there." 

 "Yes, sir," Stella responded.	Ray spent the flight figuring out what he
would do for funds. His card would get him some food and a couple taxi
rides if he was creative, but hotels were out of the question. Still, if
he was tired enough, he could sleep anywhere so he concluded that's where
he'd sleep - anyplace he could find. 

 He looked at his clothes and grinned vaguely. Surely he could conjure up
enough for clothes, but it wasn't important. Clothes, food, and sleeping
were not the reasons he was here. 

 Passing phone booths in the airport, Ray pondered making a phone call,
but looked at his watch and knew he wouldn't get an answer anyway. He left
the airport and took a cab downtown.  "I... I don't know where he is,"
Stella admitted after stalling her parents and his for over an hour. "I
reminded him this morning he should... he really should be here," she said
insistently. 

 Stella's mother put her hand on her daughter's shoulder, trying to
comfort in a cold formality. Barbara looked at her watch again. As Damian
waved the waiter away once more, he let out a breath. Ray's parents seemed
disappointed, but could offer no excuse. 

 Finally, they left Stella alone with her parents, explaining
apologetically that things would work out and they'd meet another time.
Stella nodded and thanked them, waiting until they were gone before taking
the napkin from her lap and dropping it on the table. A frown tugged at
her lips and made her face sag. 

 "I'm sure he just got caught up. You said he was taking a friend to the
airport. Perhaps there was a problem," he mother attempted in way of
reassurance. 

 Stella brushed her hair back and sniffed. "I just can't believe he would
do this to me. It's not like Ray." 

 "Well, he isn't always dependable," her father said. 

 Looking at him harshly, Stella stiffened. "He is. He's always dependable.
I know you don't like him, Daddy, but he is and he loves me. I don't know
why you can't be supportive." 

 "Supportive? Supportive of what? He isn't even here." 

 Stella stood angrily. "Maybe you're the reason why," she snapped as she
stormed from the restaurant. 

 Chapter 4
 Ray chewed his tongue as he stared at the pay phone. A long distance call
would cost a fortune and he wasn't sure he wanted anyone to know where he
was. Pushing aside the fleeting thought, he listened to the pounding beat
coming from behind him. Turning, he looked at the neon lights of the club
and went inside. He took in the view of a bar, tables, and wild dancing
before stepping up to the bar to order a beer. 

 The moment he walked into the bar, Curt noticed him. He carried himself
with such expression that Curt couldn't resist. It wasn't just the wanting
that made him notice, though, it was how out of place he looked. His
blonde hair looked soft and precious, his emotional eyes fixated as he
sucked on the beer bottle. Curt stopped his bouncing and moved off the
dance floor, taking his time to observe the newcomer. He wiped his sweaty
bleach blonde hair from his face. The man he watched sucked on that beer
with a jaw and lips that Curt knew would drive him wild. 

 His head tipped back and the beer slowly drained now as Curt made his way
around the room. He stepped up beside the figure and waved to the bar
tender. "Two more," he said, waving at the empty on the bar. 

 Ray turned, surprised by the order. "You didn't have to..." 

 "I wanted to," Curt said smoothly, lighting a cigarette. 

 "Well, thanks," Ray replied, turning back to the empty bottle and picking
at the label. 

 The bartender returned and put two beers before them, waiting as Curt
paid him. He left and Curt watched as Ray drank some of the beer hungrily,
but didn't look at Curt again. When Ray set the brown bottle down, Curt
put his hand palm down on the bar in front of him. Ray turned his gaze.
"Thanks," he said again. 

 "Is that the best you can do?" Curt asked. 

 Furrowing his brow, Ray stared. Curt switched the smoke and held out his
hand. "Curt," he introduced. "It'll be a lot easier to carry on a
conversation if we have names," he suggested. 

 Ray smiled a little. 'Oh, those dimples,' Curt thought, his head rushing.
"Ray," he finally said. 

 Curt smiled broadly, showing his teeth to his new companion. Ray felt
uncomfortable and moved back slightly. Curt chuckled. "I don't bite," he
said. Ray sensed that he was being foolish so he tried to look casual by
drinking the beer again. "At least, not unless you ask," Curt added. 

 The words fell from his mouth as Ray spewed half his beer across the bar,
some of it hitting Curt. Laughing, Curt set his cigarette in an ashtray
before reaching for a napkin as Ray covered his mouth. Ray stood quickly.
"Uh, thanks for the, uh, beer," he said quickly, backing away. 

 Moving quickly, Curt stepped up to Ray. "Did I say something wrong?" he
asked. 

 "I'm not... I'm not..." Ray stuttered. 

 Curt gave Ray an understanding nod and covered his own tracks as quickly
as possible. "It was a joke," he said, elbowing him. "Just a joke." 

 Blushing slightly, Ray took a breath. "Oh," he responded sheepishly. 

 Curt's eyes narrowed slightly as he took in the figure. Somehow he'd been
deceived by him, but he could feel that it wasn't a lost cause. "I'll buy
you another beer," Curt offered. 

 Ray raised his eyebrows. "You don't need to. It was my mistake." He
paused. "I'll buy you one." 

 Curt grinned again and nodded emphatically, moving back to the bar. He
kept the smile halfway through his next beer. He sat at a stool beside the
one Ray had taken possession of and watched him drink it. He could only
tear his eyes away when Ray looked away. Ray's third beer was gone before
Curt finished his. Turning, he watched Curt a moment, taking notice of his
eyes. They were blue, but Ray was suddenly aware that something made them
dark. There was a pain there that Curt hid with long hair and a boyish
attitude. 

 Ray cleared his throat, feeling the fast effects of three beers swallowed
far to quickly. "Why'd you buy me that beer?" he asked suddenly. 

 Looking surprised only a moment, Curt leaned against the bar. "When you
came in you looked," he paused, obviously searching for the word as Ray
looked pensively at the countertop. "Lost." 

 As he let out a long breath, Ray nodded slowly. "Not exactly lost." 

 "Found, maybe?" Curt asked, getting an immediate look from Ray. "Or
trying to find something? Someone?" 

 Shrugging, Ray blinked hard. As everything blurred a moment, he had to
concentrate. "Found something," he mumbled, trying to make sense. 

 "Found me," Curt said, smiling as he could see Ray's head tilt slightly.
He only imagined his head could be swimming so he stood and moved his body
close to Ray. "Where are you staying? I'll walk you home." 

 Ray shrugged. "Central Park." 

 Curt stood a moment. "Excuse me?" 

 "I was just going to sleep on a bench until someone told me to beat it,"
he explained, trying to stand but instead falling against the bar. He
brought a hand to his head and shook it off, steadying himself and backing
away from the hands he realized Curt had put out to steady him. "Don't
worry about me. I'll be fine." 

 "You'll be mugged by morning," Curt responded. "Come on. I know a place."
Ray looked at him skeptically. Curt chuckled reassuringly. "Come on," he
insisted. "It isn't far." 

 Obediently, Ray followed him out, the fresh cool air brushing his face as
soon as he stepped outside. It was a blast that allowed him to take a deep
breath and let the alcohol begin to run its course. Curt moved past him
and hailed a cab. Once he managed to get one, he ushered Ray inside and
moved in beside him. Ray leaned his head back, barely conscious as Curt
rattled off an address. His mind couldn't comprehend any of what was going
on as Curt shoved him. 

 Reaching into Ray's back pocket, Curt forcefully removed Ray's wallet and
opened it. He pulled out a couple bills before staring at Ray. "This all
you got?" he asked. 

 Ray glanced at him, thought, then nodded. "Spent the rest on beer," he
murmured. 

 "Fuck," Curt breathed, wrinkling them in his hand and tossing the wallet
at Ray before reaching into his own pocket to retrieve money. He counted
the bills and straightened them, stopping a moment to push back his hair.
When the cab stopped, he handed the small stack to the cabbie and tugged
Ray out as quickly as he could. 

 The cab driver cursed his lack of tip and drove off as Curt flipped up
his middle finger in the cab's direction before turning toward the red
brick building in the rundown neighbourhood. Ray followed Curt inside and
up the endless steps until Curt slid open the warehouse door to the
converted loft. Without being given a moment to take notice of the place,
Ray was guided inside, the door sliding and slamming shut behind him. He
was pushed into a yellow and tan oversized chair; old, but oddly
comfortable. The position he had landed in was on the edge of the seat so
when he leaned back, his head rested comfortably reclined on the back of
the chair. 

 He closed his eyes and listened to Curt move around for a moment before
Ray opened his mouth, taking in a loud breath of air. "Where are we?" 

 "My place. Don't worry. Plenty of room and space," Curt responded. 

 Ray nodded lightly, the act sending his head off into space once more. It
took all of his energy to put his arms up on the arm rests, but just after
he did, he felt something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he had
to convince himself to find out. 

 Curt watched Ray move his arms to the arm rest just as he was walking up
to him, removing his shirt in the process. He watched the being in his
chair only a second longer before stepping close and kneeling over Ray. He
straddled him in the chair, an instant later running his hands up Ray's
chest. Ray's eyes opened, staring blankly as Curt held both sides of his
neck and kissed him. Artfully, Curt moved his lips against Ray's while Ray
half lay there. Curt could feel when Ray closed his eyes, the same moment
Ray's lips moved, accepting the kiss by making his own lips soft. A moment
later, he pressed his lips to Curt's, kissing back while Curt's hair
tickled his cheek. 

 He still couldn't manage moving his arms or thinking about what he was
doing, but Ray let his tongue slip from his mouth, making contact with
Curt's lower lip, then sucking that lip into his mouth. 

 Curt heard Ray's breathing change, harder and quicker than just a few
seconds ago. His hands massaged a trail down Ray's chest, his lips still
sucking and pressing Ray's. He moved his head and came at his lips
differently, breathing heavily and stopping his hands over Ray's ribcage
to rub before leaning back. 

 Ray opened his eyes slowly, sleepily observing Curt's next move. He
wasn't going to fight or move, his body growing hot under the weight of
the man on him. He wasn't sure if he could stop what was happening, nor
did he try. Curt grabbed at his t-shirt and ripped it carelessly before
hungrily diving in to bite Ray's nipple. 

 Jumping, Ray threw a hand onto Curt's back, his other hand falling onto
Curt's arm. He let out a loud gasp then relaxed again when Curt's tongue
licked its way to the groove in the center of his chest where his lips
closed around it and sucked in the skin. 

 Curt felt the hand on his back and his arm as he walked his knees farther
into the seat, his groin now pressing expectantly against Ray's. He felt
the flesh under his fingers getting warmer as he let his hands explore the
torso, his tongue and lips working the chest. 

 Swallowing hard, Ray watched the head moving over his chest. He let the
hand on Curt's arm slip and fall onto his own chest, running his hand over
himself before it reached Curt's ear. Feeling the hand on his ear, Curt
stopped and looked up. Ray cupped Curt's jaw then guided him back up to
his mouth where he let his tongue taste Curt's lips an instant before they
met. His heart was racing fast now, the blood in his system flying through
him. Ray was sure he could feel his veins expanding under the pressure
while his hand rubbed Curt's back. 

 Feeling the painful pressure in his own pants reminded Curt of what he'd
been dying for all night. Still, he'd have to take it slow. This man
wasn't ready to help him out of the slump he'd been in lately, but he'd
make him ready. Curt ran his hands down to unbutton Ray's jeans. Lifting
his hips caused him to press his lips harder against Ray's mouth, but he
immediately had his hands working to undo Ray's fly. Grabbing Ray's
waistband, he pulled from the kiss and let his body slide down Ray's legs,
tugging his pants down as he went. Working a moment to get them over Ray's
hips, they were soon down enough that as Curt sat back, he could yank them
from his legs, then push his way between Ray's knees. 

 Seeing the erection before him, Curt glanced at Ray, his expression
becoming less blank, before taking the tip into his mouth. He sucked hard,
letting his lips slide over it an inch while undoing his own pants and
pulling back one side to release the tension there. He left his tongue to
explore the tip in his mouth before sucking again, moving in steps along
the shaft. At this rate, it took some time to have Ray fully in his mouth,
but as Curt sucked one last time, simultaneously running his tongue along
the underside of the shaft, Ray moaned loudly. 

 Feeling a smile that wouldn't show, Curt rested a hand on Ray's hip,
moving his mouth up and down Ray's erection. He felt Ray growing
breathless, his moans getting closer together before his hand wandered
from Ray's hip to work its way under his ass. 

 Ray's mouth dropped open into a louder moan while one hand massaged and
the mouth made the pressure on his cock even more intense. The tongue
pressed hard against his flesh, the sucking sensation succeeding in giving
him ecstasy he'd never felt before. Curt's head moved, Ray still in his
mouth as his tongue pushed further into the base of his penis. Ray groaned
melodramatically, his hand rubbing Curt's shoulder as he subconsciously
coaxed Curt for more. A breath stopped short in his throat and Ray didn't
realize he'd stopped breathing until he let out a low grunt, the pressure
on his groin so hard and tight he had to brace himself by using his free
hand to push on the arm of the chair. He shifted back, Curt's mouth
following and lifted one leg, pulling the knee to his chest and putting
his heel on the chair. The action helped secure him as his body gained
complete control from his brain and he thrust into Curt's mouth, the
feeling of teeth pushing into him as he caught his breath again. 

 The hand on Curt's shoulder moved to rub his hair and Curt could feel Ray
thrust against him again, accepting it and sucking harder until Ray pumped
one more time and came in his mouth. He ran his tongue over the pulsating
veins, sucking and swallowing in perfect coordination to Ray's moans of
exhilaration. 

 Finally, Ray's body fell relaxed against the seat, his arms and legs
limply slipping from where they were. Curt stood and knelt over Ray again,
one hand supporting his neck as he kissed him again, voraciously licking
his lips and sucking him in. 

 Ray wasn't sure when the alcohol went from three beers he drank too fast
to just three beers which he could handle easily, but he felt the effects
slipping away. His mind was working again and he knew the man on him was
practically a stranger, but he didn't care. He accepted him and put his
arms around him, letting the man kiss him passionately as his legs
trembled beneath them. 

 Chapter 5
 The first thing Ray noticed when his eyes opened was the man asleep
beside him. The second thing was the bare chest and the white sheet pulled
up to the man's waist. Right after that, he began to remember the night
before and still found himself wondering how they ended up in bed
together. Curt had told him he could sleep there while Curt would take the
couch, yet here he was. 

 Then Ray felt the headache. It pounded steadily, making one eye twitch.
He rubbed his temple and sat up slowly, unconsciously taking the navy
blanket over his legs and pulling it up. Finally able to observe, he
looked around the loft. It was a large studio with a kitchen in the
opposite corner. They lay on a mattress on the floor and on the opposite
wall was the yellow and tan chair. Turning, he looked at the space behind
him and while there was a scattering of miscellaneous furniture and milk
crates, there was no couch. 

 Frowning, he turned to Curt and stared at him. His chest rose and fell
slowly, his light hair covering most of his face. Ray was very aware of
the fact that he was naked, but found himself wondering about his
companion. He debated a moment before reaching across and gently lifting
the sheet. Curt wore briefs and nothing else. Ray blinked. He was pretty
sure he remembered everything, but he knew he didn't remember Curt's pants
coming off completely. 

 Biting the inside of his lip, he stood and crossed to the chair. He
picked up his boxers, pulling them on before lifting the jeans from the
floor. It took a moment of examination before he realized they weren't his
and turned around, finding his own a few inches away. 

 He was pulling the jeans on when he heard the bed rustling. He looked up
to see Curt stirring and found himself turning away shyly to button his
fly. He did the top one just in time to hear a soft voice behind him. 

 "Leaving so soon?" 

 Ray cleared his throat, tugging to straighten the waistband before he
turned. He looked at Curt, into those eyes so full of emotion, then looked
away. "I told you I'm not," Ray said quietly. 

 Curt chuckled. This made Ray's skin tingle and an anger rise in him, but
he didn't let himself respond to the feeling. Ray could sense him getting
out of the bed. He glanced at the uninhibited body, but hid his interest
in it quickly. "Sure, but you had a good time," Curt said. 

 Ray didn't answer. He started to spin in circles as though looking for
something. Curt chuckled, but Ray couldn't figure out why as he continued
to do a James Brown impersonation across the floor. 

 Finally Curt spoke again. "Look, you've got no place to go. Not like you
have to run away." 

 Swallowing, Ray then remembered how he'd ended up here. He'd already run
away. Running away from here meant running back to something, didn't it?
He stopped and stared at the floor. There he saw what he realized he'd
been looking for. The rags of his shirt were right beside the bed, mocking
him. Without it, he couldn't go anywhere. With it, he might as well be
without. He looked at Curt who was grinning. "Can't go like that anyway." 

 Ray shook his head and started for the door. "I'll find a shirt," he
commented dryly. 

 Curt dodged in front of him, blocking his exit. "Look, no one ever said
you couldn't like it just because it was done by a man." 

 "I..." Ray stopped and took in a breath. "I have a fiance." 

 Curt stopped a surprised expression from resting on his face, but he
straightened his spine as he rubbed his abdomen. "So?" 

 Rubbing his temples again, Ray grew upset. "I cheated on her. I have to
go before..." 

 "Well, if you cheated on her, it's done isn't it? You can't take it back
now." 

 "It was only that," Ray responded, waving to the chair. "I was drunk, but
if I stay..." 

 Curt grabbed Ray's upper arms. "Why are you here if she matters? If you
stay, then you're here with me, just me and I'm harmless. You want to go
home to your wife and kids and single family dwelling? Then why are you
here?" 

 "They're in Chicago," he offered feebly. 

 "Then why are you in New York in the first place?" He paused. "Because
you're lost or you're looking, right? So what did you find?" 

 "You," Ray whispered simply. 

 Curt nodded. "So what will happen if you stay?" 

 He couldn't move after the question was asked because there was a deep
swelling inside that told him exactly what would happen. He knew the
actions that would happen at the forefront of his mind, but what bothered
him was that feeling in the pit of his stomach that wanted it. If he
stayed, he might find out just how much he wanted it. 

 Finally, Ray found his tongue and looked away. "I still don't have a
shirt." 

 Dropping his hands, Curt glanced across the room past Ray. He moved to
where he had glanced, incenting Ray to turn and watch him. Near the corner
of the room which was all windows without curtains, Curt had a basket of
clothes. He dug in, pulled out a shirt, sniffed it, then walked it back to
Ray. "Here," he offered. Ray looked at the shirt and Curt waved it before
him. "Here. I'm not going to force you to stay." 

 Taking the shirt, Ray put it on tentatively, watching Curt the entire
time. Curt only watched him a moment longer before going to the fridge and
drinking from a carton of milk. A moment later, he disappeared into the
bathroom, leaving the door open a crack. 

 Curt hoped Ray would change his mind, stay, possibly join him in the
shower, but Ray didn't. He stood there for several seconds listening to
the water run, unwilling to move because he still didn't know what to do.
What he wanted to do and what he should do only pushed each other to
opposite ends of his mind. It was getting easier to tell the two apart,
but more difficult to choose. 

 All at once he realized there was a third option, one that had been there
all along. He'd come to New York with the intention of wandering. Just
because Curt had found him or he had found Curt last night didn't mean the
alternative was to go home. He looked again at the bathroom door, then the
front door. Taking one more look around the place, he left. 

 Ray turned to see the building growing distant just before he turned a
corner and lost sight completely. What was this thing pulling at him,
tugging him to go back? Why didn't he want to leave? It seemed obvious
Curt just wanted to play games. Curt didn't want him, just the games. Ray
wanted...He stopped with his foot stuck to a piece of gum and leaned his
head back, his hands rubbing over his face as he did. He wanted nothing at
all. He didn't want to have to ask himself so many questions or have so
many thoughts running through his head. He didn't want this desire to go
back to Curt's or to imagine Stella in her apartment, or his, looking for
him, wondering where he was and if he'd come back. He didn't want to
wonder whether he wanted to go back either. 

 Dropping his head, his hands brushed back his hair and he looked around
desperately for something. Ray spotted a diner in the style of an old
train car painted red and blue. Did he want something there? His stomach
rumbled to answer the question so he crossed the street and went inside.
The Visa sticker on the window relieved him from that worry, but as he saw
the booths and tables were full, he wondered just how alone he could feel
at the crowded counter. 

 A seat between a man in a business suit and a woman in a waitress uniform
drinking coffee looked most promising. The man was involved with his
newspaper and she was leaning her head back to finish her coffee. 

 Ray moved between the two and sat. The woman with black hair acknowledged
him. Her red uniform with white pointed apron was faded and stained, he
noted as she stood. "Coffee?" she asked. He looked at her a moment. "My
break's over. I can get you a coffee if you want." 

 Nodding, he didn't make a sound. She walked behind the counter and turned
over the mug before him to pour the coffee into. Another waitress passed
behind her and caught his attention. 

 "Hey, Glory," said the new waitress, tucking a lock of purple hair behind
the ear with too many piercings for him to count at a glance. The
antiquated uniform looked... more than odd on her, but he suspected nearly
anything would. "I'll take the counter." 

 Glory, the black haired waitress, set down the coffee pot and nodded.
"Ok," she agreed, walking along the counter before stopping at the first
booth beyond. 

 Ray watched her with interest until the woman before him snapped her
fingers. He turned his attention to her and watched her lean on one hip.
"I said, you want creamer?" she asked, seeming a bit irritated that she
had repeated herself although he hadn't heard her the first time. 

 "No," he said. 

 She nodded. "Ok, then what can I get you to eat?" 

 He wasn't aware that he was staring, but her expression softened. "Food?
The coffee's sludge so I can't imagine you came in just for that." 

 He blinked. 

 She pushed the sugar toward him. "Maybe you want sugar?" 

 He shook his head. 

 "Need to drink some caffeine before you see colours?" she asked, smiling
a little. 

 He finally managed a reaction, smiling back politely. "Yeah," he
breathed, then drank the coffee. He pulled a face and started to pour
sugar in. 

 She watched him a moment. "Look, I'm going to go see if they need
anything," she stated, waving down the bar. "Maybe when I come back you'll
know what you want." 

 Ray nodded. Wouldn't it be nice to figure out what you want and be able
to order it in a diner a minute later? You could figure it out and consume
your life in fifteen minutes. Easy. Ray stared at the faded spot on the
sparkled counter from the seventies, he guessed by the colour scheme. 

 The waitress returned, her uniform fresher and newer than the other's,
but he still had no answers. She left and came back several times,
surprisingly patient as he continued to seem confused and unable to make a
decision. The breakfast rush subsided and he was still there, drinking
coffee and feeling sick from an empty stomach that had tried to digest too
much beer at once the night before. 

 Glory spoke something in confidence to the other waitress who nodded
before stepping back to stand across from Ray. "Well, now I get my break.
Mind if I have a coffee with you?" 

 Ray hesitated a moment, then nodded. She grabbed a mug and filled it,
then topped off his before walking around the counter. She sat beside him
and looked at him, watching him pour in the sugar. "You hungry?" 

 He nodded into his coffee. 

 "Got no money?" she asked. 

 He looked at her suddenly. 

 "I've only encountered two reasons why a guy comes in and sits here
drinking coffee all morning. Either he doesn't have any money and he'll
feel less guilty stiffing me for the cost of a cup or he has too many
other decisions in his life to figure out what the hell to eat." 

 Ray looked at her a moment, examining the silver ring in her nose as she
stared at him. Finally he shrugged. "You forgot the third." 

 "Oh? What's that?" 

 "Hung over," he responded simply. 

 She smiled. "Yeah, but a hung over guy will say he just wants coffee. He
won't keep telling me he hasn't made a decision." 

 "Oh," Ray said. 

 "So breakfast is on me if that's the problem," she offered. 

 Shaking his head, he sipped at the coffee. He'd lost count of the number
and the sludge was beginning to make him sick. 

 Waving, the waitress beckoned Glory and ordered two stacks of pancakes.
Glory left and the waitress watched him. She shifted, stood, and waved him
toward an empty booth. "Come here," she said. 

 He spun on the stool and looked at her. 

 "I only bite upon request," she said, oblivious to the rush the comment
sent through him. Ray blinked back the image of Curt's offer as it popped
up in his mind again. "It's more comfortable," she said. 

 "Then you sit there," he responded. 

 She chuckled. "Come on," she insisted so he finally stood and followed
her. Sitting across from each other, he felt no more comfortable. He still
wanted to crawl out of his skin. 

 Observing his movements for several minutes, she finally spoke again.
"You don't look like the power job type. Things confusing you in the mail
room?" she asked. 

 "Huh?" he said, then shook his head. "No. It's not work." He paused. The
academy. Until the academy his job was unloading trucks at the grocery
store. It was the first time he realized he didn't miss it. 

 "Ah. Outside of work you've got your general life, love, and happiness
problems." She looked him over and smiled suggestively. "You look healthy
enough. It's happiness then. Unhappiness because of?" She waited. 

 He shook his head. "I just came here for a vacation and things aren't
going the way they were planned," he said. 

 "How were they planned?" she asked. 

 "Uh," Ray mumbled, then realized again that there hadn't been plans. Why
was he so sure that the things happening weren't exactly what was supposed
to happen? He shrugged. 

 Glory came over and set down the plates. She winked at the other
waitress, then walked away. The other waitress saw Ray eyeing his pancakes
before she picked up a fork and cut into hers. "You should eat something,"
she commented, biting into hers, then reaching for the syrup. Ray stared
at his plate while she poured the dark brown syrup on her pancakes. He was
still lost as she reached across and put some on his. She set the mini
pitcher down and went back to eating. 

 Swallowing, she touched his hand and Ray pulled it back quickly. She
looked apologetic, but he sat up straight. "I'm sorry," he said. 

 She seemed to be sizing him up. "Look, this confused thing, it's not new.
Half the world runs around trying to figure out how to make sense of it
all and the other half is in denial. At least you're not denying whatever
it is you can't figure out. You're trying to face it head on." 

 Denial. Ray chuckled. "I'm not gay," he mumbled. 

 "What?" 

 "Nothing." 

 "No, I just didn't hear you. What did you say?" 

 He looked at her, then shook his head. "If a person denies something, it
doesn't mean it's not true. Just because I deny something, doesn't mean
I'm in denial over it." 

 She looked confused. 

 "If I feel one thing, but I know it's not something that I really feel,
then by my saying I don't feel it, it doesn't mean it isn't true." He
paused. "Or not true." 

 "I lost track of the negatives. What are you saying?" she queried. 

 Ray sighed. "I'm not gay, but if I say I'm not, you'll assume I'm in
denial about it, right? But the point is I'm saying I'm not because I'm
really not, not because I'm denying that I am." 

 This time, she blinked. "Ok." It was quiet a long time before she spoke
again. "Look, uh - what's your name?" 

 "Ray." 

 "Ray. Look, Ray. I have to wonder why you're concerned about whether or
not I'll accept the validity of your statement unless the point is
actually that you are already questioning the validity of it." 

 "What?" 

 "Why did you specify that you're not gay unless you're wondering if you
are?" 

 "Because I don't want you to think that I am." 

 "I don't think." 

 "I didn't want you to assume." 

 "I also never assume. I find it gets me into trouble. So you must have
asked yourself if you are gay or not for that to be somehow connected with
this big decision in which you are denying." 

 He looked at her. "What?" 

 "You're not gay," she stated, going for a different approach. 

 "No." 

 "How do you know?" 

 "I'm engaged," he announced. "To a woman. A wonderful woman I think I've
been in love with for over a decade." He looked at the waitress and
shrugged. "I mean, this is what love feels like, isn't it?" 

 "I don't know. What does it feel like?" 

 "I'm not sure," he replied quietly. 

 "Well, what does it feel like with your fiance?" 

 Ray chewed his tongue. "Well, I know she and I have been together for a
long time - since we were kids. We were supposed to get together last
night to set a date for the wedding. Once we do, it's just waiting and
getting ready." 

 "Ok, that's what's happening, but what about how you feel?" 

 "I feel... I feel like she knows me better than anyone and I know her,
too. We grew up together." 

 "That's still a fact. Tell me what you feel when you're with her." 

 Ray stared a long time, then reached into his pocket and set his credit
card on the table. "I'm not sure," he finally breathed. 

 She pushed it back. "Look, it's on me anyway." Pausing, she watched him
put it away and stand up. She reached out and touched his arm. "Maybe if
you need help figuring it out, you'll come back. I work all day so you
know where to find me. Either way, I hope you find it." 

 "Find what?" 

 "What you're looking for," she responded. 

 Ray sighed, then furrowed his brow. "What's your name?" he asked. 

 She looked at her chest. "Lost the fucking thing again," she commented
offhandedly before meeting his gaze. "Kathy." 

 "Kathy?" 

 "Well, if you don't like Kathy, you could call me something else," she
said, grinning. 

 "Like what?" 

 "Anything." 

 He nodded. "Kathy will do," he responded, giving her a tiny smile before
he left. 

 Chapter 6
 Curt had come out of the shower and found the place empty, the door
unlocked. Letting out a sigh, he pulled the back of his hair into a black
elastic, got dressed, and started his day by eating Ritz crackers topped
with peanut butter. The nearly empty fridge mocked him and he considered
actually going to the market until he found the crackers. Shortly after,
Curt left for work. 

 On his way home around four in the afternoon, he made a stop. He walked
into the diner near his apartment and looked around. He saw the familiar
face and gave half a wave. "Hey, Kathy," he said. 

 The waitress pointed to a table. He sat and waited until she passed.
"Hey, Curt. The usual?" He nodded. "I've got to work fifteen more minutes,
then I'll join you," she commented as she headed for the kitchen. 

 A young waitress with blonde hair and a vacant expression brought his
food ten minutes later. He started picking at the fries until Kathy took
off her apron and joined him. "How was the studio?" she asked. "Any hot
new talent you should tell me about?" 

 Curt grinned. "Ah, no. Same old faces, same old voices," he remarked.
"How was your day?" 

 She sighed. "Busy. How have things been going? You said last night you
were going to the club," she pointed out. 

 "Uh," Curt said, then cocked his head. "Well, I thought I had a specimen,
but he up and left on me." 

 She smiled. "I've told you to get handcuffs," she remarked, a little
surprised that Curt's reaction was a barely amused smile rather than
laughter. "Something wrong?" she asked. 

 Shrugging, Curt ate another fry. "No," he said finally. 

 "Getting lonely at the top?" she pushed. 

 He looked at her. "Maybe sometimes." He shrugged. 

 "You could settle down, you know," she commented. 

 "Over my dead body." 

 Kathy smiled and folded her apron, standing. "I hate to cut it short, but
I need to get out of this uniform." 

 "That's ok." 

 "What are you going to do?" 

 "Go back to the club. I'll go back tonight and tomorrow and every night
if I have to," he said positively. 

 "Oh, you'll make that sacrifice?" she asked. 

 He nodded emphatically. "You coming tonight?" he asked. 

 "I don't think so," she said. "I've got things to see, people to do." 

 Grinning, Curt nodded. "Not a date, though, right?" 

 She smirked and tapped his arm playfully. "You know you're the only one
for me, Curt. I just keep waiting for you to come around." 

 Curt laughed. "Well, you have a good night." 

 "I will," she said, winking.  Ray sat on the park bench chewing his lips
and tongue as he watched the by passers. As dusk approached, the numbers
dwindled and all he had were his thoughts. 

 He'd practically run out of the restaurant when he was asked what love
felt like. Asking someone else, he'd hoped for answers. Being asked he
realized the answer was in himself. He didn't know what it felt like. That
was why, it occurred to him, he felt so empty. He felt empty with her, but
he also felt empty in that life. Nothing ever seemed to fit and he spent
most of his time squashing a presence in his chest that made him want
other things. 

 He thought going to the police academy would help that. His anger was one
of those things he pushed down constantly, but ever since he saw an
officer wail on a man trying to escape justice, he'd thought about a
possible outlet. 

 Still, this didn't answer all of his questions. Why did it feel
comfortable with Stella most of the time? Why, when he felt uncomfortable,
did he still not leave? He didn't want to leave her. Aside from everything
he felt outside of her, he was attached to her. 

 Ray fell asleep on the bench only to be kicked out by a police officer
two hours later. He walked the streets until he found a quiet ally walled
with freight boxes. He moved behind one and curled up. 

 It didn't take him long to fall asleep. He didn't sleep deeply enough to
become oblivious to time passing, but when the sun worked its way into the
ally and he began to wake, he remembered the dream. 

 It was rushed and surreal, but he remembered Curt. He was in bed with
Stella, but Curt kept circling them, walking around like a predator.
Finally Ray woke in the dream, but Stella couldn't be woken. He found
himself watching Curt, staring at him as he walked around and around them
until he woke. Disturbed and feeling quite a bit less than rested, Ray
rubbed at his eyes. 

 Kathy. At least she'd asked the right questions, the ones that got him
closer to feeling safe. Besides, she gave an endless cup of coffee with
her conversation. He stood and brushed himself off before heading on his
way. 

 Chapter 7
 Ray walked in, sat at the counter, and leaned forward. "Do you think that
feeling comfortable with someone is the same as being in love with them?"
he asked the back of the waitress. 

 She spun, surprised, then smiled when she realized who it was. "You came
back." 

 Ray grinned. "Yeah. I think I realized you were closer to the truth than
I was." 

 Turning over his mug, she poured him some coffee. 

 "Order up!" came from the direction of the grill. 

 She glanced at the window, then turned back to Ray. "Let me take care of
this and I'll come right back," she said. 

 "Sure," Ray responded, watching her move down to take three plates,
balancing them as she placed them before customers. She topped off their
coffees, got them the requested condiments, then finally returned. He saw
her lean on the counter expectantly. "I really had nothing better to do
yesterday than think and what I was thinking was that I think I am in love
with Stella because I respect her and I feel comfortable with her." 

 "I respect and feel comfortable with my tattooist," Kathy replied. "I'm
not ready to marry the guy." 

 "Ok, but I really do care about her. I want good things for her and I
think if I work hard, I can give them to her." 

 Kathy cocked her head. "Do you think it's all or nothing?" 

 "What? Do I think what is?" 

 "Do you think you're either gay or you're not? Either you love her and
marry her and spend the rest of your life with her or you settle down with
some guy and spend the rest of your life with him? I mean, there are other
options and if you're not sure you want either one, you owe it to yourself
to keep your options open." She paused. "Want waffles? They have one with
strawberry syrup that's..." 

 "Wait. You're saying I want both?" 

 Kathy let out a breath. "No, I'm saying you should be sure of who you are
before you try giving it to someone else. Otherwise you'll just end up
hurting her as much as you're hurting right now." 

 Ray scratched his neck and drank his coffee. She turned and didn't come
back for nearly fifteen minutes. When she did come back, she placed a
plate of waffles with red syrup and sliced strawberries in front of him.
She smiled. "I don't mean to add to your confusion, Ray. I just
wholeheartedly believe in experimentation." She leaned forward. "Look, I
know somebody. He's a great guy, not looking for commitment, but he's got
a knack of helping guys sort out confusion. Maybe you could come back
around four this afternoon." 

 "Come? Here?" 

 "Yes." 

 "For a date? A blind date with a guy?" 

 "Yes," she responded. 

 "No," Ray said. "No way." 

 "I really think he could help," she pressed. 

 "No. No, I'm really not ready to... to... Look, I already know someone -
someone perfectly willing, I bet, but I'm not sure I'm ready." 

 "Well, then, I guess that's the next question you have to figure out,
huh?" she said. "I got more customers. I'll be right back." 

 Ray watched her go, waiting for a few minutes before pushing away the
plate of waffles. Glory rushed by and he grabbed her. She spun, nearly
dropping a plate. "What?" 

 He held up his card. "Can you run this when you have a minute?" 

 She nodded, took the dishes back, then took his card. "What'd you have?" 

 "Waffles and coffee," he responded. 

 When she came back, he signed the slip, took his card, and left without
saying good bye.  Curt sat at a table he chose himself and noticed that
Glory and the new blonde were working, but Kathy wasn't around. He ordered
his usual and ate quietly, nearly finished before someone joined him. He
looked up and saw Kathy sitting in jeans and a blue blouse that contrasted
nicely with her hair, bringing out the blue in her eyes. She smiled
broadly. "Thought I had a date for you this morning, but he slipped
through my fingers." 

 "Oh?" 

 "Yeah. Confused, lonely, engaged. Quite a sorry, brooding lad. You would
have loved him." 

 Curt chuckled. 

 "How did things go at the club last night?" 

 "Eh, I went home alone," he responded. 

 "Aw." She leaned forward. "Well, not tonight. If the threat of going home
alone arises tonight, I'll go with you." He looked at her and she brushed
back her hair. "I'm all dressed to go with you and if I have to make you
coffee later tonight, so be it." 

 He nodded. "All right," he agreed. 

 Chapter 8
 'What if I don't marry Stella? What if I don't go to the academy or even
return to Chicago? What if I stay here and I find someone else or I don't
find someone else, but I find a job or apply for the academy here? What
if... what if?' Ray stared at the hamburger he found himself unable to eat
at the diner blocks from the one he'd been in that morning. 

 The questions had gotten more wild, but also easier to understand. Stella
wouldn't be disappointed in him ever again. She'd get over him, move on,
and find someone more worthy of her position in life. 

 He could become an officer here or not at all. He could find a job of
some kind; in that he was confident. He could find a place to live and he
could start over and would it really be that bad? 

 There was the part of him that wanted to hunt down Curt. 'Should I go to
his apartment? Knock on his door? What do I say when I get there?' There
was another part that thought he could find someone better. 'Someone
capable of loving me back. Someone looking for commitment, not games.'
Somehow his mind played it all like a fantastic fantasy that was truly
attainable, a dream not, for once, beyond his grasp. 

 Even if he did follow those temptations, do all those things, Stella
would still be there. In the back of his mind, he felt it was his
responsibility to provide for her. So far, she'd done right by him. She
loved him, tried to understand him, and still let him have the freedom to
be himself. Maybe those were the solid things in life that truly mattered.
Here he couldn't guess what tomorrow would bring. There, it was
predictable. Boring, maybe a little, but more than that he knew what to
expect. Things were easy when he knew what to expect. 

 He had started walking as things played out. He wandered the streets and
tried to predict where they would take him, but around every corner was
another surprise. Those surprises were starting to grate on him. He had to
know. He was the type that needed security. 

 Ray wasn't sure if it was a surprise or not that he found himself just
inside the entrance to the club. It was a familiar place, but he hadn't
planned on going there. He saw Curt spinning and jumping like a
hyperactive child on crack, watching him bust freely through the crowd.
Logically, he knew the chances of seeing him at the same place were slim,
that by going his apartment he'd have more guarantees. Most of him prayed
Curt would be here. It wasn't that he wanted to meet him in public, though
the thought crossed his mind. It was that the music and beer could
distract from the intensity of what he felt. 

 Crossing around the outside, there were hundreds of people, but Ray only
saw Curt. He was at the back of the place before he doubled back toward
the dance floor. Curt was still going like he had a motor on him and Ray
found himself moving slowly, his footfalls matching the beat as he was
drawn toward Curt. 

 Finally, he was two feet away and with one spin, Curt bounced into him.
Throwing his hair back to nod an apology, Curt stopped immediately when he
saw the target of his apology was Ray. His cheeks flushed, he was panting
and sweat ran down one side of his face. The carefree grin faded while
Curt held back his hair, waiting to see what Ray might say. 

 Ray swallowed as Curt watched his neck, feeling all the intimidation and
fear pumping at the adrenalin in his body. Finally, he moved a few inches
closer and spoke loud to be heard over the music. "I'm supposed to get
married!" he announced. Curt looked disappointed and waved Ray away, but
Ray touched his arm so he stopped. "I was supposed to do it because that's
what was expected." 

 Curt took in a deep breath, steadying himself and relaxing from the rush
of dancing. "Then why are you here?" he asked over the music. 

 Ray stood a moment, watching Curt wait for an answer. His jaw locked, but
then his mouth dropped open and he leaned forward slightly. "I was hoping
you could tell me." 

 Curt considered this only a second before he closed the space between
them. He moved close and barely let his lips touch Ray's, but that was all
Ray needed. As soon as Curt's lips brushed his, Ray threw his arms around
Curt's back, pulled him as close as humanly possible, and pressed his lips
to Curt's. He opened his mouth and sucked Curt in, licked his lips and
drove his tongue unexpectedly into Curt's mouth. 

 Curt reacted, putting his hands along Ray's neck and holding him as he
kissed back He returned movement with his tongue, tasted him. Curt
devoured Ray and let Ray devour him there on the dance floor without a
care of who might be watching. 

 Ray's legs were beginning to wobble, but as he leaned into Curt more for
support, Curt stumbled. He didn't realize that he'd been holding up Curt
just as much as Curt had been holding him. He pulled back, expecting to
look into Curt's eyes, but instead Curt's lips slid across his cheek and
stopped at his ear. "Let's go somewhere," he suggested, still holding Ray
as he felt the head nod against his. It was only after confirmation that
he ran his hand down Ray's arm, pulling it from around him and holding his
hand as he led him out of the club. 

 On the sidewalk, Curt looked at Ray. "Got cash?" 

 "Yeah, I managed to get some today," he replied. 

 Curt nodded, walked to the curb, and hailed a cab. Opening the door, he
pushed Ray inside, then climbed in behind him. Uninhibited, he threw his
leg over Ray's lap while the door closed and pushed him back against the
seat of the cab, the position mostly awkward as he cupped Ray's jaw and
started kissing him again impatiently. 

 Making the cabdriver as uncomfortable as possible while still fully
clothed, Curt licked Ray's neck, suckling his skin as he listened to Ray
breathing. When the driver stopped, he climbed off and got out, waiting
until Ray paid the driver and got out himself. The door slammed and
already Curt had his arms around Ray, jerking him as he guided him into
the building and up the stairs. 

 He slid the door open and let Ray in, removing his shirt and tossing it
aside, then starting to undo his pants while he pushed the door closed
with his other. Ray swallowed as he looked at the place. The questions
started again, but he rubbed his temple and pushed them back. When he
turned around, Curt was kicking off his boots and working his way out of
his leather pants. Feeling suddenly overdressed, Ray watched him. 

 Curt sensed Ray's hesitation. As soon as he was disentangled from his
black pants, he moved on Ray, kissing him while he worked on Ray's jeans.
He pushed the waist down and yanked the shirt over Ray's head in such
quick succession that Ray was dizzy. Curt leaned his upper body back to
push down Ray's pants, simultaneously stepping toward him in a way that
moved them both toward the mattress. The waistband was just below Ray's
thighs when Curt pushed him hard enough to make him fall backward, but Ray
was letting him. Ray watched Curt toss his jeans aside, then straddle him
before putting his hands on Curt's hips. He pushed suddenly and tried to
roll over. 

 "Now what's wrong?" Curt asked. 

 "I'm not... I'm not..." he said breathlessly. 

 "Oh God. Don't go there again. Gay isn't a dirty word," Curt said
forcefully, leaning over Ray. 

 Ray shook his head emphatically, then put a hand on his chest. His heart
was racing, his head spinning, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath.
He gasped and half choked. 

 Curt's expression quickly went from frustration to concern. He grabbed
Ray's face. "Take a breath!" 

 Ray tried, but only gasped. Curt moved so that instead of being over him,
he was kneeling beside him. "Ray? Ray! Take a breath!" 

 Still he only gasped, rolling to one side. "I... I..." was all he could
manage to stutter. 

 Curt grabbed Ray's arm and pulled him to a sitting position, Ray's head
flopping forward. "Oh fuck," Curt breathed. "What did you take?" 

 Ray shook his head. 

 "What are you on?" Curt insisted. "Don't OD on me! I don't need cops
here!" 

 Grabbing Curt's arm, Ray continued to shake his head, now managing to
breathe enough to get some oxygen and a little clarity. "I've never... I
don't... I can't..." He started too many sentences and left them
unfinished so that Curt couldn't respond to any of them. 

 Finally Curt leaned forward and into Ray's flustered face. "Are you
scared?" he asked, perplexed. 

 Ray lifted his eyes and met Curt's gaze, then looked away embarrassed.
Curt chuckled. "I've never had someone go into a panic attack because
they're scared," he commented. 

 Ray shot him a look to let Curt know he didn't see the amusement. Curt
pulled himself together and patted Ray's back. "Look, look, it's not
something to be terrified of. I'll go easy on you." 

 Ray rubbed at his head and kept trying to breathe, but his lung capacity
seemed limited. Concentrating on that, he felt his body beginning to relax
as Curt rubbed his back and murmured words Ray would never remember. When
he finally began to feel the constriction lift he brushed his hair back,
breathing in the air that was cooler and fresher than what was coming from
his lap. He sniffed and grunted, then looked at Curt who was just watching
him. It seemed to fill the apartment when Ray let out a little chuckle.
"You must think I'm pathetic," Ray commented. 

 Curt shook his head, shifted closer, then touched Ray's jaw. He held his
head where he could look into Ray's eyes. "No," he said clearly, then
moved forward and kissed him gingerly. There was a click as he pulled
back. "Maybe you just need a beer," Curt said. "Relax." 

 Ray nodded a little, then watched Curt as he got off the bed. He went to
the fridge, pursed his lips, and closed the door. "I know I've got some
backup somewhere," he commented as he went through the cupboards. There
weren't many, but from the one on the farthest end, he produced six
bottles of beer. Carrying the pack by the handle, he stopped to grab an
opener, then set them by the bed and handed one to Ray. "It's probably
warm," he commented. 

 Ray didn't care. He tilted the bottle while Curt opened it, then watched
as he opened one for himself. Curt tossed the opener aside while Ray drank
from the bottle, much more slowly, but somehow more seductively in Curt's
opinion. Curt sucked a bit off his, then set it aside. "You ok?" he asked.


 Ray nodded, drank a little more, then set his aside. "I feel out of my
league," Ray admitted softly. 

 "Well, let me do all the work this time and I'll have you in my league by
morning," Curt responded with a grin, shifting toward Ray again. 

 The grin relaxed Ray. Curt pushed him back to laying down slowly, being
much more gentle than he thought he'd ever been. He spread out on his side
beside Ray, reaching one arm over so that only the top of his body was on
Ray's chest, then began to kiss him again. He felt Ray's hand move into
his hair and massage his scalp while their lips moved against each other. 

 Curt pulled back to check on Ray's status. Ray saw that this was what he
was doing and while his heart tried to push him to lean up and kiss Curt,
his body made him wait for Curt to come back to him. Shifting, Curt now
put a knee between Ray's legs then kissed his jaw line tenderly back to
the ear, nibbling softly. 

 His hand rubbed Ray's chest, Ray's hand moving to rest on Curt's hip
while his other continued in his hair. Feeling back on track, Curt ran his
hand into Ray's hair and let his lips explore Ray's shoulder, moving to
his collarbone to nip lightly. Ray made a soft noise so Curt moved more
heavily over him, relaxing his body as he took skin into his mouth and
bit. Ray just hummed as Curt sucked the flesh, leaving a deep red and
purple mark. 

 Ray closed his eyes, the sensations of Curt's tongue and teeth sending
pulses into his body as his mind's focus dwindled. He was getting lost in
the here and now, blood rushing through him. He felt himself growing
warmer, getting more and more turned on as Curt massaged his chest and
took bits of his skin between his teeth. He didn't know what he should do,
finding himself confused and unsure. All he could think of was moving his
hands on Curt's body, but this body wasn't like any he'd been with before.
He swallowed when Curt moved to kiss his lips again. Was he doing anything
right? The one thing he'd learned with Stella was that the moment moved
you, but every move he wanted to make, he questioned. This wasn't the
same. No matter how much he wanted it to be, it wasn't. 

 Curt's hand moved over Ray's groin, slowly massaging his inner thigh and
scrotum. The way he grew warm and erect at Curt's touch was the same, he
realized. Opening his eyes, he watched Curt kiss his chest a moment. It
wasn't the man versus woman that was so different, he realized. That may
have been a factor, but it wasn't what caused the hesitation. It was how
he felt. Stella had committed her life to him and they had already spent
half of it together. Curt gave him something else, some affectionate part
of him, but not his love. He rubbed Curt's head until Curt looked up. Ray
smiled and shifted. "You can do anything to me," he said softly. 

 Curt looked confused. Sure it was smooth now, but five minutes ago, Ray
was in full denial and fright. He slid his body up Ray's and kissed his
mouth. "Did you have something in mind?" 

 Ray shrugged. 

 "Would you like me to put something in your mind?" 

 Ray scoffed. What he really wanted was to not find himself over a woman,
moving gently and slowly and concerned more about making her happy than
his own sexual desires. Anything Curt did would be different. Hell, sex
with another woman would probably be different. "I just want you to show
me," he said softly, giving complete control to Curt. 

 Curt grinned in a way that should have made Ray feel uncomfortable, his
mind obviously full of ideas now, but he just lay there, relaxed, taking
deep breaths and concentrating on not having another panic attack. Curt
straddled him and started kissing his jaw again, taking a bite at the
chin. Their bodies were built so similarly that they melded into each
other. Curt ran his left hand down Ray's right arm, guiding Ray's hand to
his ass before putting his left hand back on the bed and repeating with
the other. He left his right hand on Ray's abdomen and rubbed it, Ray
taking the hint and massaging both sides of Curt's ass. He could feel Curt
against him, his erection hard and pressing against the side of his own. 

 Curt's hand moved slowly down Ray's body, making Ray feel hotter, tighter
like something was trying to burst out of him. He felt a hand close around
his penis, squeezing before Curt opened his hand and used his own fingers
to trace a line up his own cock while holding Ray. Ray felt the hard, wet
tongue moving around his jaw, ear, and neck. He thought of moving his
hands, of touching Curt, but he was hesitant. For a moment, he thought of
Jimmy. He'd never let Jimmy share details and he realized that he'd be
better equipped now if he had. Eyes closed, he let out a breath,
forgetting about Jimmy as he savoured the sensations on his body until
Curt rolled his body beside Ray, placed his hand gently on Ray's side, and
guided him to move. 

 Once he had Ray where he wanted him, Curt slid his hand along his side
while moving up right against him. Ray could feel the flesh touching his,
pressing against his back. His mouth sucking Ray's neck, Curt massaged
Ray's buttocks, slowly working his fingers in between. Ray took in a quick
breath when Curt's finger touched him, pushed against him. Muscles fought
the moment his finger pressed inside and Ray gasped a little. 

 Slowly, Curt moved inside Ray, gently shifting and working in a second
finger as he pressed his body even closer, breathing on Ray's neck between
kisses. Feeling over sensitized, Ray shifted toward Curt, making himself
move. He twitched uncomfortably when Curt slid his fingers from him, but
kept his hand there until he had positioned himself. Ray swallowed the
rising anxiety, waiting as he wondered exactly how it would feel. 

 Curt was careful as he guided his tip into Ray, causing Ray to cringe
while balling his hand into a fist. Slowly Curt brought his hand to Ray's
hip. "Relax," he breathed into Ray's ear, then pressed unexpectedly
against Ray. 

 Ray gasped, clenching his jaw and grasping the edge of the mattress while
the muscles of his arms bulged. Curt could see the muscles tighten, the
smoothness of Ray's figure turning him on more. He wrapped his fingers
tight on Ray's hip and thrust hard, pulling Ray back. The yelp he heard
sent him more pleasure and he pushed again. 

 His heart racing differently than it had before, Ray was now feeling
sensations of pain and pleasure fight in his body. Curt pushed in and Ray
tried not to make a sound at the feeling of being ripped, though a groan
escaped. He feared he sounded like a child the way he fought against the
pain, yet Curt didn't slow down. Ray huffed with the next tearing shove,
feeling Curt's hand leave his side and move around to grab his cock. Curt
was holding it, stroking it, as Ray's brain shut off completely. He didn't
care anymore if he sounded stupid or if he felt pain. The muscles of his
front and back now both jerked and contracted, unsure what to do with all
the pressure building there. Curt held him tight as he moved, his penis
feeling too large on one side and his hole too small on the other. Curt
shifted his body closer, pumping hard into Ray's ass until a moment later,
he felt Ray's cock release warm liquid on his hand and the bed, the vein
beneath it pulsating to push it out. Curt moaned into Ray's ear and bit
the back of his neck as he sped up, driving himself harder, faster, and
deeper into Ray. Gasping and crying out, Ray couldn't move his body,
though he wanted to get away from the suddenly aggressive Curt. 

 Feeling the skin between them growing hotter and hotter, Curt left Ray's
softening erection and placed his hand on Ray's hip again. He felt Ray
trying to get away, but also twisting against him. His chest and head felt
feverish until everything rushed to his groin and he felt himself filling
Ray. 

 Curt was still enjoying the aftereffects of pumping gently into Ray after
he came when Ray released his grip on the bed and went limp. Curt slid out
and climbed over Ray so that he faced him, looking at the closed eyes
while he reached out and stroked Ray's hair. 

 Opening his eyes, Ray looked at Curt. He had no expression, but he was
wondering already if he'd made a mistake. Ray saw Curt smile, but he
couldn't return it. His eyes wandered to the chest as it rose and fell
quickly, Curt still regaining his breath. 

 "You can stay here," Curt said. Ray furrowed his brow so he expounded.
"You can stay here as long as you're in New York. Don't think you have to
sleep on park benches." 

 "I got kicked out of the park," Ray remarked. 

 Curt smiled. "You smell like you slept out there." 

 Ray shifted. "I slept outside, but I had to find someplace after I got
kicked out." 

 "Well, shower here and wear my clothes when you're cleaning yours. I
don't care." 

 "You want free access to me?" Ray asked skeptically. 

 Curt resisted the temptation to answer yes immediately. "I like you.
Don't want to see you on the streets." 

 'Like?' Ray picked up, shifting to lift himself onto his elbow. "Thanks,"
he said, the move showing him that he still felt a little weak. They
stared at each other for a while until Ray moved his elbow and lay down
again. Curt was getting that hungry look in his eye again, but the
mattress was so comfortable and Ray was so tired. Closing his eyes, he let
out a long breath. "So tired," he breathed. 

 Curt watched Ray for several minutes. Ray's breath slowed and deepened
until Curt knew he was asleep. Smiling just a little, Curt let any
thoughts of another fuck fade, closed his eyes, and went to sleep beside
his new toy. 

 Chapter 9
 Kathy looked around the entire place, but Curt was nowhere. She was
annoyed that he hadn't said goodbye. Even when someone was really revving
his engines, Curt would come to let her know he was leaving when they had
gone together. Not to let her evening be ruined, she stayed to party until
things slowed down, but when it was 4 am and time to leave, she found
herself wondering who was worth ditching her completely. 

 Taking a cab home, she had the driver wait while she got coffee grounds
from her apartment, then headed to another destination. When she got out
in front of Curt's building, she smiled like she knew a secret and went
inside. 

 The pounding on the door woke Curt, but he wasn't about to answer. He
sidled up and put his arm over the warm body, closing his eyes again, but
the pounding repeated. Finally he sighed, taking a moment to be surprised
that Ray still slept while he went to the door. He opened it a few inches,
hiding most of his body and Kathy held up a red bag. "Coffee?" she asked. 

 Curt laughed. "That curious, huh?" 

 "You left without saying good bye. I didn't get to see the guy." 

 "He's not your type," Curt said, running his hand absentmindedly over his
abdomen. 

 "Well, I hope not," she responded, putting her free hand on the door. 

 Curt sighed. "Why are you here?" 

 "Coffee," she repeated. 

 "Couldn't find anyone to take you home?" 

 She shrugged. "You'd be surprised how many gay men are at the clubs you
like hanging out in." 

 Curt chuckled as she pushed on the door and he reluctantly let her
inside. He blocked her view of the bed until she stepped toward the
kitchen and got a look. Ray finally woke and had rolled over. He looked
toward the voices and the instant he saw Kathy, he sat up hurriedly,
pulling the nearest blanket over him and to his neck while looking
horrified. 

 Kathy started laughing as Curt turned to see that Ray was awake and
apparently shy. He looked back at Kathy, but she was chuckling now as she
watched Ray lower the blanket to his waist. As soon as he realized he
couldn't just disappear, Ray relaxed and leaned his head against the wall.


 Taking a few steps forward, Kathy grinned. Curt kept himself between her
and Ray, watching her as he picked up his underwear and put it on. "He's
just in town a few days, I think," Curt stated. "You don't know him." 

 "Sure I do. Been serving him coffee since Friday morning." She paused and
moved closer. "Well, either the questions just got a lot more complicated
or you've got all the answers," she commented. 

 Ray gave her a half grin. "I..." he managed. 

 Curt shook his head after giving Ray a moment to try for another word.
"You were at the diner yesterday?" he asked. "On your way here?" 

 Ray shook his head. "I was - looking." 

 "Looking for?" Curt asked. 

 "S..something," Ray murmured. "I... I don't know what." 

 Kathy looked at Curt, then Ray. "You were leaving here when you came in
Friday? Then I guess setting you up on that date would have been redundant
after all." 

 Ray blushed a little and looked at Curt. Kathy moved back into the
kitchen. "I'll make coffee," she commented. 

 Leaning out of bed, Ray reached for his boxers, but Curt held up a hand.
"Let me give you some of mine. At least they're clean," he remarked,
crossing the room to grab clothes out of the basket which was still
sitting by the window. 

 Pulling on the white briefs, Ray finally moved the blanket away enough
that if she'd been looking, Kathy would have gotten a better view of him.
He stood, pulling on the pants Curt had given him and walked over to her.
"You make coffee all day. Want me to make it?" 

 "No," she said, then shrugged. "I'm the only one who can use this old
thing. Curt hasn't even figured it out since I brought it here." 

 Curt chuckled again. He moved up beside Ray, putting his hands on him,
but Ray sheepishly moved away. "Kathy doesn't mind," Curt said. 

 "I do," Ray replied, staring at the floor. It was quiet a moment before
he looked up again. "Maybe I should shower," he commented. 

 Curt nodded and waved toward the bathroom. "Want me to join..." 

 "No," Ray said immediately as he crossed to go in. 

 Inside he found another basket with clothes, these ones presumably dirty.
He looked at it a long time before turning around until he found a shelf
with two folded towels. He took one down and set it on the counter as he
reached in and turned on the water. The water ran hot from the faucet as
Ray stood and stared at his reflection in the mirror. 

 Curt took three mugs from the cupboard and set them next to Kathy, then
went to the chair and lounged in it. Several minutes later, she brought
him a cup and one for herself, squatting to sit on the mattress across
from him. "Don't break him," she commented seriously. 

 "Oh, I fully intend to break him in," Curt replied, grinning. 

 Kathy sighed and shook her head. "I like this one. He's not like the bags
you pick up who want the same one nighters you want." 

 "I know," Curt replied with a shrug. "I haven't had one like him in a
long time." 

 "I've never seen someone kill themselves that much over this. You don't
want to mess that up, Curt. You screw this one up and he won't go looking
for someone to screw to get over you. He'll disappear in it and it won't
be something he'll get over. I don't think you want to be responsible for
that." 

 Curt waved his hand. "All right, all right. I'll behave," he said, then
sipped his coffee. "Wouldn't worry so much anyway." 

 "Why not?" 

 Curt looked at her, met her gaze. He provided no answer as he finally
broke the gaze to stare at the bathroom door. 

 Chapter 10
 The table was too disgusting for Stella to put her hands on, but she
willingly set the terrible vending machine coffee on it and waited. She
was fully aware that she was getting the special treatment of a private
room and individual attention from a detective because of her looks, but
she planned to show them that there were brains in this head of hers. She
stared sternly at the door and tried not to notice the small splattering
of blood on the wall or the grimy handprint beside the door. 

 Finally, Detective Hodges, who had spotted her in the waiting area and
had offered her this personal attention came into the room. He closed the
door, his other hand holding a pen and folder with papers, then turned to
her and smiled. 

 As he sat in the seat across from her, she straightened her spine and let
her hands rest in her lap. He took in her serious expression and set the
papers on the table. "Now, Miss..." 

 "Stella, please," she insisted dryly. 

 "Stella. I've got the missing persons forms here if you're ready to get
started." 

 "Yes." 

 He smiled and looked down. "What's the missing person's name?" 

 "Stanley Raymond Kowalski," she replied. 

 The list of questions read like a laundry list. Age, occupation,
residence, but as the page became full, the questions slowed. He turned
the page. "All right. Now, when was the last time you saw him?" 

 "Thursday morning around 10 am." 

 "Do you know if anyone else saw him? His parents? A sibling perhaps?" 

 Stella took in a breath. "I met with his parents on Thursday evening and
they said they hadn't heard from him since Tuesday when we confirmed our
dinner plans. I could provide his agenda for the day if that would be
helpful." The detective nodded so she continued. "After I left, he was
supposed to get a haircut at City Hair on 9th. I called Friday and they
said he missed the appointment." Hodges made a note as she waited. When he
looked at her again, she continued. "Thursday afternoon, he was supposed
to take his friend Jimmy Nickols to the airport. I believe he said the
flight left at 3:12 pm to Seattle. Jimmy is moving there and promised to
call when he had a phone and an address, but I haven't heard from him yet.
He would have called Ray's apartment first, I'm sure." 

 Hodges made more notes. "And after that?" 

 "After that, we were going to have dinner with both our parents at
Micello's. He never showed up. Friday I started making phone calls, but he
didn't show up at work and they hadn't heard from him since he left
Wednesday. I called here, but I was told I couldn't report him as missing
for 72 hours which is why I'm here today." She paused. "All his clothes
are there and his checkbook is still by the mail. I'm very concerned." 

 "I understand," Detective Hodges said. "Is there anyone else you think we
might be able to contact?" 

 "No. If I had the resources, I'd continue the search myself, but now I'm
relying on your connections to find out what happened to him." 

 "Yes, but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. Sometimes people
just forget to do things and..." 

 "For three days? Ray is much more responsible," she explained. "If
something had happened, he would have called me. He cares about me very
much. I don't want to imagine what must have happened that he hasn't even
tried to call. You have to understand, this isn't like Ray at all." 

 Hodges tapped the desk lightly, indicating that she should remain calm.
"I'll start on this right away and let you know as soon as I have
something. I'm sure everything's fine, Ma'am. The best thing for you to do
is to go home, try to relax, and wait for one of us to call." 

 Stella stood, glaring slightly at the way he'd talked down to her. She
brushed back her hair. "I know something's wrong. I just know," she stated
firmly as she left.  It took fancy footwork and calling in favours for
Detective Hodges to finally find out that Jimmy had taken up residence in
a small building with a community phone. He called and let it ring for
quite some time before someone answered. 

 "Hello?" 

 "Is Jimmy Nickols available?" 

 "Who?" 

 "I believe he's in apartment 3J," Detective Hodges said. 

 "Oh. The new guy," the person said, then paused. "I don't know. I'll
check." 

 Several minutes passed before there was another voice. "This is Jimmy." 

 "Jimmy Nickols?" 

 "Yes." 

 "This is Detective Hodges of the Chicago Police Department." He could
almost feel the tense silence. "I'm looking for Stanley Raymond Kowalski."


 "Ray?" the man asked, then breathed. "Oh! This must be about the academy.
What do you need to know?" 

 "This isn't about the academy," Hodges explained, not surprised by the
comment since a check on Ray's record showed that he'd had a background
check and was recently accepted. "I understand he took you to the airport
on Thursday around 3 pm. Is that correct?" 

 "Yeah, sure," Jimmy responded. 

 "Have you heard from him since then?" 

 "No. I'm just living here for a week or so. I was going to call him with
my new number when... is something wrong?" 

 "His fiance reported him as missing this morning," Hodges explained. "It
would appear at this point that you were the last to see him." 

 "Oh geez. Well, I... I don't know. Everything seemed fine. He was his
usual self and I told him I'd come back when he got married. He didn't say
anything. You think something happened to him?" 

 Hodges sighed. "Well, that's what we're trying to find out. Do you know
anyone who might have more information?" 

 "Than Stella? No. He tells her everything. It's not like him to up and
disappear like that," he said.	The next morning, Hodges learned that
while Ray's car had been left in short term parking, no one had noticed it
until the Monday morning security check. He summoned Ray's bank records as
soon as the banks opened and sat examining them when he was told he had a
call. 

 "Detective Hodges," he said as he picked it up. 

 "Detective. It's Stella..." 

 "Oh yes," he interrupted. "I was just working on your case." 

 "And what have you found so far?" she asked. 

 He paused, looking at the credit card usage and sighed. "Well, we have
reason to believe that he's in New York City." 

 "What reason?" 

 "I couldn't say yet, Ma'am," he replied, not wanting to point out that
the charges he saw could easily have been made by just about anyone. "I
don't have much information yet, but I'll be sure to keep you updated." 

 "You know something you're not telling me." 

 Hodges groaned. This woman was starting to annoy him. "I promise to call
you when I know something more definite," he stated firmly. "Thanks for
calling." 

 "Wait," she protested, but he hung up on her. 

 As soon as he was off the phone, Hodges took the photo of Ray Stella had
provided to the nearest Civilian Aide. "Send this to Detective Matheson,
Division 12 in New York City," he said. "Owes me a favour," he tacked on
before turning around and going back to his desk. 

 Chapter 11
 Kathy swooped across the counter and filled a cup of coffee before
noticing the man in a suit standing at the end. She moved down and smiled.
"What can I get you?" 

 The man moved his jacket back to show his badge, then held out a picture.
"Have you seen this man?" 

 She studied it, though she didn't need to. One glance and she knew
exactly who he was, where he was, and she had a good idea what he was
doing right now. "Uh," she said, squinting. 

 Glancing up into his face for a moment, she saw that he was waiting,
expectantly. He seemed more certain than hopeful so she assumed he must
have known something to come looking here and Ray had been in more than
once. "Yeah, yeah. I think he came in for breakfast." 

 "When?" 

 "Oh, I don't know. Last weekend?" She paused and thought a moment. He'd
come in Friday when she'd paid, Saturday when he'd paid and left without
saying good bye, and yesterday, Monday, Curt and Ray had come in together.
Ray paid cash and it then dawned on her he'd used his credit card
Saturday. She wasn't sure if that's how they'd known to look here, but she
took her chances. "Saturday. Maybe Friday," she said. 

 "Did you serve him?" 

 "Yeah, he had coffee and something. Not very talkative. Ate and left." 

 He nodded. "Was there another waitress on duty?" 

 Kathy swallowed. "Uh, yeah, Glory, but I don't think she talked to him,"
she said. 

 "I'd like to speak with her anyway." 

 Nodding, Kathy turned to set down the coffee carafe and smiled. "Sure,
I'll go get her," she offered. Moving into the kitchen, she spotted Glory
near the grill. Walking quickly over, she nudged Glory. "There's a cop out
there wants to talk to you," Kathy said, somewhat quietly. Glory looked
confused as she wiped her hands and started out. Kathy grabbed her elbow,
stopping her. "You didn't see him," she said. 

 "See who?" 

 "Just tell him you didn't talk to the guy, ok?" she asked. 

 Glory furrowed her brow, but agreed. When she left the kitchen, she saw
the man standing and looking uncomfortable. She approached. "Hello." 

 He nodded. "Detective Matheson," he said by way of introduction, then
held out the picture again. "Have you seen this man?" 

 She looked a long time. "No," she said when she recognized him. 

 "Are you sure? He was in here when you were working." 

 Glory glanced back at the kitchen. She bit her lip. "Uh, last weekend.
Yeah, I remember. He was just here for coffee." She paused. "I mean, I saw
him drinking coffee." 

 "Was he your customer?" 

 She blinked. "No, I think Kathy took care of him." 

 He nodded. "And you didn't talk to him at all?" 

 Glory shifted. "No, I think I might have taken his money to pay on
Saturday, but other than that, I hardly noticed him." 

 "On Saturday? Was he in more than once?" 

 She looked him in the eye. "I don't think so," she mumbled as coolly as
she could. 

 He studied her a moment, then shook his head. "Thank you," he said and
left. 

 Glory watched him go. As Kathy came out of the kitchen, Glory grabbed
her. "I hope I did that right." 

 "What'd you say?" 

 "Well, he seemed sure I should have seen him so I said he was here." 

 Kathy let out a breath. "Did he seem suspicious?" 

 "No," Glory replied. "I mean, a little at first, but he left without
asking me anything else. Look, is there something I should know?" 

 Kathy shrugged. "I'm going to take my lunch, ok?" 

 "It's 10 am!" 

 "I know," Kathy replied. "I'm taking it anyway."  Curt shifted against
Ray's body, slowly moving his lips away. "Mm. I could stay home from work
all day." 

 Ray grinned and moved off Curt, resting his head on a pillow. Curt rolled
to his side and watched Ray watching him. "You still haven't told me what
you do." 

 Curt sighed. "Well, mostly I listen to guys who know three chords play
guitars for guys who have the vocal range of 8 notes." 

 "What?" Ray asked. 

 "I work in a recording studio." 

 "Doing?" 

 Curt cleared his throat. "I'm a producer." 

 Ray sat up, his eyes wide. He looked around the place and furrowed his
brow. "What do you really do?" 

 Curt chuckled. "That's what I really do. I used to, ah, be in a band." He
licked his lips. "Well, anyway, I now help produce records for the studio
that stopped letting me sing. I don't want to get into it." 

 "You must make real money doing that." 

 "Most of the time." 

 "You live here, though." 

 "If I got a bigger place, I'd have to clean it and buy matching
furniture," Curt responded. 

 "Why the hell have I been paying for cab rides and - and you made me pay
for dinner last night?" 

 "Because I can." Curt started laughing at Ray's expression, but Ray was
getting angry. "Listen, you never asked if I could afford a cab ride.
Maybe if you had I wouldn't have taken the money out of your wallet." 

 "My last two bucks that first night!" 

 "You have money now," Curt argued. 

 "Yeah, but only because I went and got some off my credit card. I'll have
to pay it all back, you know. I can't believe you..." 

 The urgent pounding on the door startled them both. Curt looked confused
and climbed out of bed. He started across the room when Ray stopped him.
"Shouldn't you put something on?" 

 Curt shrugged, put on the nearest briefs, then went to the door while Ray
rolled his eyes. He opened it and Kathy pushed her way inside
breathlessly. 

 "Kathy? What's going on?" Curt asked. 

 "Good question," she asked Ray. "Cops came by the diner." 

 "What?" Curt and Ray asked in unison. 

 "Cops came by with a picture of you and a lot of questions." 

 Ray rubbed his temple. "Shit." He paused. "Used the card there on
Saturday. They must have gotten my statement." 

 Kathy put her hands on her hips. "Well, what did you do?" 

 Ray stiffened. "What did you tell them?" 

 "I told them I saw you, but that I didn't know you. What did you do to
make them come after you?" 

 Curt watched with interest as Ray shook his head. "Nothing. Stella must
have called." 

 "Stella?" Kathy asked, then realized. "Oh, the fiance?" 

 "Yeah," Ray responded. 

 Kathy furrowed her brow. "You haven't called her yet? You mean, she
doesn't know where you are?" 

 "No." 

 She took a step forward. "She's probably worried sick. I can't believe
she doesn't know. Look, you'd better call her." 

 Ray looked at Curt. "And tell her what?" he asked Kathy, then finally
looked at her. "What am I supposed to say to her?" 

 Kathy shrugged. "Jesus, at least let her know you're all right." She
suddenly chuckled. "I was ready to come in here and make sure you hadn't
killed Curt in some homicidal maniac rage. You know, this all could have
been avoided if you'd just called your girlfriend." 

 Ray sighed. "I can't talk to her." 

 "Well, you'd better. Glory talked to them too, and she's the worst liar
I've ever met. If you don't get this straightened out, they'll be back." 

 Ray looked back at Curt. Curt could see something in Ray's eyes he
interpreted as fear, so he waved to Kathy. "It's ok. We'll handle it." 

 "What do I tell them if they come back?" 

 Brushing his hands over his hair, Ray let out a breath. "Send them here,"
he said quietly. 

 "Are you serious?" Curt asked. 

 Ray nodded. "If they come back, I'll handle it."  "I've been patient so
far, but you can't fall into an empty shell every time we fuck, Ray," Curt
said, aggravated as Ray rolled away from him. He put his hand on Ray's
shoulder, but Ray pulled it away. "Fuck," Curt breathed. "Listen, I know
you were confused when you got here and everything, but you're still here.
It's been how many days?" 

 "Three," Ray murmured. 

 "Since you moved in, anyway." 

 Ray rolled onto his back. "Stella," he said breathily, but Curt stopped
him. 

 "Fuck Stella. I don't want to hear that name again." Curt sat up. "If you
care, then go back to her. While you're here she doesn't exist. What do
you think of her not existing?" 

 Ray looked at Curt a while before shrugging. Curt put his hand on Ray's
chest. "Don't act like you don't know. You do. What do you think?" 

 Ray sat up slowly, shifting slightly against the pillows to pad himself
from the recent sex. He chewed his tongue while fidgeting. "I guess it's -
well, she's not here. Maybe if she was I'd feel differently." 

 "Well, how do you feel about her not being here? Ray, you're content when
we're in bed together, but five minutes later..." 

 "I guess it's guilt. I made a commitment to her." 

 "So what happens if you break the commitment?" Curt asked. 

 Ray looked at him a moment, then let out a breath. "I could stay here for
a long time and be happy," he admitted quietly. "I can lay here and
imagine staying and it sounds a hell of a lot better than lying in bed
with her and imagining." He scratched at his neck. "But you don't want
that." 

 "Doesn't matter what I want, Ray. You'd be happier doing the things we
do, then you've got to do that. You can't go back to her just because
that's what's expected." 

 "I can, I just shouldn't." 

 "No, you can't. If you do you'll end up miserable." 

 Ray shrugged. 

 "Trust me. You walk out the door of someone you love and into the arms of
someone you don't and you'll end up miserable." 

 Shaking his head, Ray moved to climb out of bed, but Curt grabbed his arm
and pulled him back. "You don't have to love me. That's not what I'm
looking for. You just have to know that you don't love her." Before Ray
could respond, he leaned over Ray and kissed him. Ray shifted, moving his
arm around Curt and kissing him back. 

 The past few days had brought not only some clarity for Ray, but also
great moments of ecstasy. His mind wandered several times to the fact that
Curt had given him so much and what he could do in return, but he hadn't
been able to. Curt's lips moved to his neck and Ray closed his eyes.
Though he tried not to, he thought of Stella, of moving gently inside of
her. Ray's hand brushed Curt's chest and he thought he might actually be
able to get past the mental barrier, but suddenly his mind told him there
was only one place he'd feel comfortable starting. It then quickly added
that if he thought about it too long, he'd lose the confidence yet again
so he suddenly pushed Curt back. 

 Curt furrowed his brow, looking slightly frustrated until Ray moved onto
his side, pushing himself to nearly sitting with one hand while reaching
around to grab Curt's ass with his other. He massaged a moment, then took
in a quick breath and guided Curt onto his stomach. 

 Curt grinned slightly, taking in a deep, relaxing breath. He was ready to
do anything Ray needed to get through this, anticipating excitedly the
outcome. He could feel Ray hesitate a moment before moving his warm body
completely over Curt, covering him. Curt felt lips barely brushing his
shoulder, then Ray's breathing get shorter as he leaned against his ear.
Curt felt Ray begin to tremble against him so he moved his hand back and
gently touched Ray's thigh. "You don't have to be nervous," Curt breathed.


 Ray ran his arm over Curt's shoulder and across the shoulder blades,
massaging back and forth. Curt still held Ray's thigh, but let his hand
move to the back of it and pull him closer. Swallowing hard, Ray slid his
hand down Curt's arm and grasped his hand. Together, they rubbed at his
thigh as Curt felt Ray hard against him, but still uncertain in his
actions. 

 Patiently Curt waited while Ray let the smell of Curt's body drift into
him. He closed his eyes and pictured Curt, his skin and all the kisses
he'd given. He imagined himself holding and touching Curt the way he'd
never held anyone, not even Stella. He shifted his hips harder against
Curt and released the grip his hand had over Curt's before letting his
fingers trace the outside of Curt's ass, then the inside until Ray touched
him expectantly. His finger circled Curt's hole while Ray listened to the
slow breathing and positioned his erection beside the finger. In he pushed
just the finger as Curt pressed his hips back toward Ray and his muscles
coaxed Ray's digit deeper. Ray licked his lips, surprised by the sensation
and suddenly he was aware that his cock was leaking, expectant of the same
pressure. 

 Swiftly Ray removed his finger and immediately placed his tip against
Curt, then let his hand rub Curt's spine as he pressed. He felt himself
suddenly past the first muscles and the tightness enveloped him. Ray
groaned slightly and brought his head back, suddenly needing cool fresh
air to keep things from erupting too quickly. Running his hand up Curt's
back, he then moved it around the side and flattened his hand over Curt's
chest, pulling the body back against himself as he pushed himself further
inside. 

 Curt's hand moved up Ray's thigh and onto his hip, pulling him close as
he pushed into each consecutive push. Ray was being gentle and for a
moment, Curt thought it was nice that he was, but soon he needed more. He
grabbed Ray hard and pushed against him fiercely. "Harder," he ordered. 

 Ray pressed deeper, but still with slow, smooth movement. Curt dug his
fingers into Ray's hip. "You're not fucking a woman," Curt grunted and it
was then Ray realized he'd been moving the way he was used to. He'd never
taken time to figure out what he wanted, only what she had wanted. Losing
his beat, Ray gripped Curt's chest, steadied his other arm, then thrust as
hard as he could against Curt. Moaning loudly, Curt's tone relaxed,
encouraging Ray to shove in harder and faster. The actions did something
to Ray he hadn't expected, his body growing tense and hot when his
erection grew tighter in the confined space. Gritting his teeth, he kept
working rhythmically, but slowing slightly when he felt Curt's hand leave
his hip and move over the hand on his chest. As Curt's hand grasped his,
it slid down his abdomen and Ray held his breath. He tried to slip his
fingers from the grip, but Curt held him tight, guiding it down until
Ray's hand was over Curt's cock. Curt closed his fingers around himself,
but Ray's fingers remained limp as he found himself terrified of the flesh
against his palm. 

 Gradually Curt began to move his hand against himself, up and down the
shaft until Ray leaned his head close to Curt's neck. Curt could feel the
warm puffs of air on his neck, but didn't loosen his grip as he led Ray
though the motions. 

 Ray stared at Curt's neck and hair, feeling himself pumping Curt while
his hand rested with Curt's on his erection. His head had told him to fear
what was happening, but as he started to feel an intense connection, Ray's
heart took over and he closed his hand firmly around Curt, still allowing
him to lead the tugging action. 

 Relaxing again, Ray kept moving into Curt, but as soon as his mind
stopped obsessing, he realized how close he was to orgasm. The pressure
surrounded him and came from within until he couldn't hold it any longer.
Letting out an energetic moan, he came in Curt. Barely able to think, he
couldn't hear Curt's quiet moaning, but as he felt himself pulsating into
Curt, he slowed down and rested his body over him. Meanwhile, Curt's hand
was guiding him into harder, faster pumps until Curt shuddered against
him. Ray tore himself from Curt gently, but kept his body against Curt
while Curt convulsed just as Ray felt something warm run over his fingers.


 Curt breathed loud, his voice humming slightly with a few of the breaths
when he let go of Ray's hand. Ray didn't move the hand away, though.
Instead he gently traced lines over Curt's penis, feeling the soft skin
with his fingertips and letting his tongue lick the back of Curt's neck.
They lay like that for several seconds until Ray suddenly moved over Curt,
bit his neck, then rolled back. Curt turned to face him and smiled
broadly. He felt an odd pride at the way he felt so he leaned toward Ray
and kissed him gently, caressing his lips and putting his arm around Ray. 

 Ray moved into the cuddle, shifting slightly to rest his hand on Curt's
head. He wanted to move, but was far too spent, his body arguing each
attempt to move with a shudder that kept him right where he was. 

 Chapter 12
 Kathy saw the man step through the door and hurriedly picked up the plate
and coffee mug. She was about to turn when she saw the man spot her,
knowing immediately that she couldn't get away. He walked up to the
counter and sat at a stool. 

 "Hello," she greeted. 

 "Hi," Matheson returned. 

 She watched him examine her and the dishes she held before speaking.
"More questions?" she asked. 

 He nodded. "I wondered if the man I asked about has come back in." 

 She shook her head, glancing across to see Glory taking an order. 

 He grinned a little. "I also thought maybe you remembered more about him.
Maybe he said where he was going." 

 "No, we didn't talk much." 

 "Well, the other waitress said he was your customer and you seem friendly
enough. Are you sure you didn't talk to him about anything? Anything at
all?" 

 Kathy bit her lower lip, then let out a breath. "Ok, I didn't really talk
to him," she said, trying to keep her lie sounding accurate. "I don't know
anything about him, but I heard around that he might be friends with
someone I know." 

 "Who?" 

 "Just someone," she said softly, then set down the plates. "Look, I don't
want to make trouble, but I can tell you where he lives, ok? After that,
you leave us alone." 

 "You and the other waitress?" Matheson clarified. 

 Kathy stared at him a moment, taking him in. "No." She paused. "I'll say
again that I really don't know anything, but if you find him and he wants
to be left alone, you'll do that, right? I mean, he's an adult and..." 

 "He's simply a missing persons. If we determine that he's all right and
staying where he is by his own free will, the only thing I can do legally
is encourage him to contact the people who are worried about him." 

 Kathy looked into his eyes and felt that he was being honest so she let
out a breath and gave Matheson the address. Matheson smiled vaguely, took
his information, and left.  Ray laid over Curt, kissing him softly until
the last muscles in his body relaxed and he felt Curt go limp. Shuffling
beside him, Ray rested his arm over and brushed his fingers around Curt's
chest. "I'm glad you came home early," Ray breathed. 

 Curt nodded. "Guess I just needed incentive," he responded. "You want to
go to the diner to eat?" 

 "Mm, in a little while," Ray responded, pulling the sheet over his arm
which felt a sudden chill. 

 Curt moved his arm over Ray and rubbed the shoulder. "You want to go to
the club tonight?" 

 Ray shrugged. 

 "It's been a week," Curt observed. 

 Ray sat up and looked at him. 

 Curt shifted. "A week since you moved in. I'm thinking it's a good night
to go out." 

 "All right," Ray said. "After food. You worked up an appetite in me." 

 Looking suggestive, Curt leaned toward Ray, but a knock at the door
stopped him. "How the fuck does Kathy always know when we're in bed?" 

 Ray chuckled. "Maybe because we mostly are," he responded. 

 Curt grinned coyly and got out of bed. Halfway across the floor, Ray
cleared his throat and Curt turned. He saw Ray wave to a pair of shorts
and rolled his eyes. "You're a fucking prude," he commented. 

 "Fine. If you don't care about what people think, then ignore me," Ray
said fiercely. 

 Curt chuckled. "I will! Besides, I keep telling you Kathy doesn't care.
Hell, I think she prefers it this way." 

 Ray shook his head and watched Curt go to the door. Curt swung it open
without looking. "Kathy, you have a knack..." he stopped when the man in a
suit shifted and Curt met his gaze. "Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone
else. Can I help you?" 

 "Name's Matheson," he introduced. "Are you Curt Wild?" 

 Curt nodded. "What can I do for you?" 

 "I'm looking for Ray Kowalski. Someone told me you might have some
information..." Before he finished, Curt had stepped back and waved toward
the bed. 

 Curt then looked that direction and realized Ray wasn't there, but the
bathroom door was closing. He furrowed his brow and walked to the door,
tapping lightly. "Ray?" 

 "Just a minute," Ray said as Curt listened to the loud rustling coming
from the other side. A moment later, Ray swung the door open. Dressed in
only pants, he cleared his throat and stepped toward Matheson, holding out
a hand in greeting. 

 Matheson took inventory of Ray's appearance, then glanced at Curt's naked
and uninhibited form before putting his hands in his pockets and furrowing
his brow at Ray. Ray dropped his offered hand and waited. "Ray Kowalski?" 

 "Yes," Ray answered coldly. 

 "I was... was contacted by a friend in Chicago. Apparently someone named
Stella reported you as missing." 

 Ray nodded. "Look, Detective. I can clear this up really quickly." 

 Matheson raised his eyebrows, unsure whether or not he actually wanted to
hear Ray's clarification. 

 "I didn't tell Stella I was leaving. I didn't know I was going to leave,
but I knew I had to get away. I'm here now. Maybe permanently." He glanced
at Curt who was tight-lipped. "I don't know. Either way, it's not your
business what I'm doing so I think you should just tell her I'm safe and
that's it." 

 Matheson sized him up again and shifted. "Maybe you should tell her
yourself. A phone call..." 

 "I'm not going to call her. Only way she'll know I'm not dead is if you
get word back to her." 

 "Ray, maybe you should call..." Curt began, but Ray gritted his teeth. 

 "I'm not calling," he insisted. "Not yet, anyway." Rubbing his temple, he
calmed himself. "Look, I don't need you following me around. I haven't
committed any crimes and I'm not doing any harm, so consider this solved
and move on." 

 Matheson took his hands from his pockets. "You don't think she deserves
to know the truth?" 

 Ray turned to Curt. "There isn't much truth here," he said quietly, then
walked to the door, holding his arm into the hall to indicate the
detective's way out. 

 Matheson watched him a moment, then took the lead. "Think about calling
her or your parents - someone," he said. "You owe them that much." 

 Ray shrugged. "I'll think about it," he said. 

 Nodding, Matheson left. Ray pushed the door closed, leaned against it,
and sighed dramatically. Curt moved up beside him and put an arm around
him. "You ok?" 

 Ray nodded, pushing himself from the door. "I want to shower before we
head off to dinner," he said. 

 "Want company?" Curt offered, curling one corner of his mouth into a
grin. 

 "Yeah, but no funny business," Ray said, hiding the smile he felt. 

 Curt chuckled and the instant Ray turned his back, Curt jumped, throwing
his arms around Ray's neck and his legs around Ray's waist. Ray had little
choice except to hold him or topple over. He grabbed a leg and carried the
warm body into the bathroom. 

 Chapter 13
 The warm water ran over hot bodies as Ray pressed Curt's back against the
wall and kissed him passionately. Curt's lips were feeling numb from how
long this had been going on, but he liked the way it felt when Ray nibbled
his lips and ran his hands all over Curt's body. 

 Ray kept his eyes closed, taking in the feeling of the wet hands brushing
over his back while he tried to soak everything out of Curt he possibly
could. His hips pressed Curt against the tiles harder as his erection grew
into the thigh. Ray could feel Curt hard on him which is why he was
surprised when Curt pushed him away and smiled slightly before speaking. 

 "Have you thought about what you're going to do after me, Ray?" Curt
asked out of the blue. 

 Ray blinked, not answering, but taking a step back and letting his arms
fall to the sides. 

 "I mean, you know this isn't going to last," Curt said. "Right?" 

 "Yes," Ray replied. He knew, but part of him hoped he would never have to
think about that. 

 "So do you know what you'll do?" Curt asked. The truth was he'd wondered
for days. Ever since that detective had come and told Ray to call Stella,
but Ray had refused, Curt wondered if Ray planned to stay in New York, if
he'd go back to Chicago searching for the perfect mate, or somewhere else
altogether. He didn't know why he cared, he just knew he did. 

 "I was trying not to think about it." 

 "Yeah, but you should. I don't think you should go back to her," Curt
said. 

 "No, no. No way," Ray said. "I can't anyway." He paused. "Fuck," he
breathed, then ran his hands over his hair, slicking it back. "Thinking
and planning is what got me engaged to Stella and stuck in Chicago. It
wasn't until I left there and stopped thinking that I found happiness." He
touched Curt's arm as if deep in thought, then shrugged. "It's funny that
it took all this, but I know something now I never knew before. I like
myself, Curt. For the first time in my life, I like me." 

 Curt reached up and touched Ray's jaw. "You're a good guy," he said. "I'm
glad you figured that out." 

 Ray nodded, then took a step closer to Curt, giving him a quick kiss. "I
don't know what I'm going to do when I leave. I guess I won't think about
it, but I know I'm not going back to Chicago and I'm not going back to
her. Maybe someday I'll be ready to tell my parents, but until then, I
don't think I can even talk to them." 

 Curt nodded and held Ray's jaw more firmly, leaning in to give him a
kiss. "I just wondered," he said softly before pressing his lips to Ray's
again. 

 Ray pressed Curt against the tile again and as his back hit, he jumped
slightly since the tiles had already gotten cold again. Still, Ray didn't
let up so he suffered until his skin warmed it and he could lean
comfortably. As Ray's lips moved from his, he felt the aggressive nibble
on his jaw and back to his ear. Curt let his head rest on the shower wall,
the water making their bodies slick while every inch of Ray's body touched
his. Chills ran down the length of his body while Ray kissed him, tonguing
his flesh. Suddenly aware of Ray's hand, Curt's flesh anticipated each
inch of it running down his body until Ray smoothly cupped his genitals
and massaged his balls. He shifted as he hoped for Ray to grasp his cock,
but Ray continued to rub him as his own body shifted beside Curt and he
let his own erection brush Curt's hip. 

 Finally, Ray moved his hand to Curt's side and coaxed him around, pulling
his pelvis back to meet his. Curt sensed Ray as he hesitated, but a moment
later, Ray ran his hands down Curt's arms, grasped his wrists, and brought
them up over his head. He held the wrists against the tile and took a step
closer, pressing his cock between Curt's buttocks. They stood like that
for a moment before Ray brought Curt's hands together, holding both wrists
in one hand as he brought his now free hand down to position himself. Curt
didn't resist the grasp, but he noted Ray's hold was firm. 

 Using the water as lubricant, Ray pushed smoothly inside, then moved his
hand to hold Curt as he had been at first. Curt felt bruises starting on
his wrists, but an instant later, he felt Ray thrust into him and the
bondage style hold was forgotten. His cheek was cold against the cream
tiles and he felt his skull against the hard surface when Ray drove
himself deeper. Curt breathed roughly as Ray dropped his head forward. His
face near Curt's back, Ray licked his lips and took in a deep breath,
smelling the water as it mixed with both of them, the smell of sex
drifting musty into his nostrils as he pumped into Curt as hard as he
could. 

 Curt felt his erection tightly looking for escape, but Ray wouldn't
release his arms. Ray continued to fuck him hard, roughly throwing his
entire body into each pump until Curt caught his breath. He groaned loudly
as his muscles tensed, then convulsed as he splattered the wall with his
cum. 

 Ray felt Curt's muscles spasm against his cock which brought him closer
to orgasm. He quickened his pace, thrusting harder and harder until he
finally came himself, still holding Curt's wrists until he was completely
spent. 

 The steam rising from the shower puffed into the room and covered the
mirrors. Ray stepped back and leaned on the wall, at first cringing from
the coldness. Curt turned toward him breathlessly, moving on him and
kissing him passionately for a few moments before reaching back to twist
the showerhead so he could wash them both. Ray stood still as Curt washed
his genitals, closing his eyes and taking in deep, satisfied breaths until
Curt turned off the water. 

 Pulling back the shower curtain, Curt reached for a towel. It was then
that Ray opened his eyes. He tried to see himself in the mirror, but it
was grey-white from the steam and he had trouble making out their
silhouettes. He slicked back his hair again and stepped from the shower,
his legs wobbling slightly as he took the towel Curt offered him. 

 Opening the towel, Ray was about to wrap it around himself when he looked
at Curt and let the urge guide him again. Dropping everything, he threw
his arms around Curt, pushed him against the counter, and kissed him
again, biting his lip and suckling Curt's tongue. Curt moaned as Ray
backed off, each of them giving the other a grin while Ray picked the
towel back up and dried himself.  Stella wiped at the corners of her eyes
as she slid the envelope beside the others in precise order. It had been
almost four weeks since she'd last seen Ray. 

 The first week after talking to the detective, she'd spent in her own
apartment, at school, or working. She avoided his place, believing somehow
that if she didn't see the place, he wouldn't be gone. Unable to believe
he'd actually told them he wasn't coming back, she pushed for details, but
they wouldn't tell her much more. 

 Once she realized that there was no way to deny his being gone any more,
she was angry. She came to his apartment and threw everything around,
angrily yelling at someone who wasn't there for leaving her. She was angry
with the detectives for not bringing him back and her parents for driving
him away. Right after that, she was mad at herself because she was sure
she'd done something to lose him. 

 Now she was cleaning the place by daylight because without the luxury of
electricity, it was easier. The final notice from the power company lay
beside the final notice from the phone company, though that hadn't been
shut off yet. Beside that was a reminder from his landlord to pay rent. 

 Stella wondered if she should pack his things or pay his rent, but it
only made her angry again, upset that he hadn't contacted her or anyone to
tell them what to do. She pushed back from the desk and sighed deeply. He
was gone. Ray wasn't coming back to marry her or to get his things and
that's just the way it was. She moved her feet to the door like they were
made of lead and gave the place one more look over before locking it on
her way out.  Curt stepped up the last stair and sorted through the mail
he'd carried from the ground floor. Junk mail and bills made him remember
he had to be a fucking adult, which he hated more than life itself. 

 As he neared the door, he heard music. He froze a moment before
proceeding. The song wafted into the hall and as Curt gritted his teeth,
he threw the door open. "What the fuck are you doing?" 

 Ray held an album in his hand, reading the back cover as he sat
cross-legged on the floor. He turned his head. "What?" 

 Curt crossed the room, tossing the mail into the air as he kicked the
record player, stopping the record with a screech. "What the fuck are you
doing? You touching my albums?" 

 Ray furrowed his brow. "I found this box and Kathy let me borrow..." 

 "They're not yours!" Curt yelled. 

 Setting down the album he held, Ray started rising to his feet. "I'm
sorry, I..." 

 He was barely standing when Curt pushed him back. Angered, Ray firmed his
stance and narrowed his eyes. Curt pushed him again. "Don't touch my
fucking stuff!" he yelled. 

 "I didn't think it'd be a problem," Ray countered. 

 Curt kicked an album and stepped on another, both breaking from the
actions. Ray looked at them sorrowfully. "What the fuck did you think you
were doing?" Curt growled. 

 Ray stepped back, looking at the album covers. "It's just... I used to
listen to that stuff growing up. My friend and I..." 

 "I don't give a shit what you and your friend listened to. Those were my
albums. I don't have a record player for a fucking reason." 

 Ray looked confused. "On purpose?" 

 "Yes." 

 "Then why do you have the records?" 

 "Because I do," Curt snapped, squatting as he started to pile the albums
together again, sighing when he realized what he'd done, breaking two. 

 Ray was quiet a moment. He watched Curt stare at a cover for several
seconds before he spoke quietly. "We loved that guy. Brian Slade was our
god," Ray explained. "I just wanted to hear..." 

 Curt dropped the album and stood. The look he gave Ray actually scared
the younger man. An instant later, Curt turned and started toward the
door. 

 "Wait. Where are you going?" Ray asked. 

 Without skipping a step, Curt swallowed. "Out." 

 Ray watched the door slide closed before he ran to it and opened it. He
chased Curt to the stairs and down a few steps before grabbing him. Curt
turned, but his head was bowed so that his hair mostly covered his face.
"What the fuck is this?" Ray asked. Curt didn't move as Ray quickly
assessed the situation. They'd fought before, but Ray was always the one
to close up. Curt pushed for more from Ray every time and he stuck around
because it would end in a fabulous fuck, but now Curt wasn't just closing
up, he was leaving. "Tell me," Ray insisted. 

 Curt looked up and met Ray's gaze with one of pain and anger. "Brian
Slade," he murmured. 

 "What about him?" Ray pressed. "We were huge fans. Followed his career
right up until the end." 

 "Obviously," Curt sneered. 

 "What?" Curt just stared. "What does that mean?" Ray said annoyed. "What
do you mean by obviously?" He added, trying to get that mouth to open and
tell him something. 

 Curt finally pulled his arm from Ray's grasp. "You figure it out," Curt
responded and ran down the steps. 

 Chapter 14
 Ray went back into the apartment. He glanced at the albums on the floor,
but left them and the player to fix later. Looking around, he feared
touching anything now so he got himself a beer and sat on the edge of the
bed. 

 It got darker and Ray wondered if Curt was coming back. A knock at the
door sent him to his feet hastily and he swung it open to find Kathy. She
smiled. "Saw Curt at the club without you. He said you didn't feel like
coming. You feeling ok?" 

 Ray nodded. "He's at the club?" he asked. 

 She furrowed her brow. "Yeah, you didn't know?" 

 Scratching his neck, Ray turned back toward the apartment. "No." He
walked to the chair and sat in it before waving to the record player.
"Might be broken," he said. 

 Kathy turned, saw it, and walked over to it. Squatting, she turned it
right side up and started looking at the albums on the floor. 

 "I've got a mystery for you," Ray said. 

 She turned, still squatting. "Yeah?" 

 "What's wrong with Curt?" 

 She stood. "Do you mean in the general 'he's kind of fucked up' sense or
something more specific?" 

 "He freaked out because I was listening to his albums. I wasn't doing any
harm. Just listening." 

 Kathy let out a breath. "These albums?" she asked, motioning to the
floor. Ray nodded. "You think he wants to listen to Brian Slade after
everything that happened?" 

 Ray shifted. "What happened?" 

 Kathy blinked and moved to sit on the bed. "Not a fan of Brian's, huh?" 

 "Yeah, sure I am. My friend and I listened to him all the time." 

 She half smiled. "So it's Curt you're not a fan of?" 

 Ray leaned forward. "Curt?" 

 "Curt Wild?" 

 "Yeah, Curt." 

 "No, I mean, you never heard of Curt Wild?" 

 Ray rubbed his temple. "I'm sleeping with him," he stated. 

 Kathy shook her head. "No, I mean you never heard of him before you met
him here?" 

 "Should I have?" Ray asked, now feeling stupid. 

 Scoffing, Kathy stood. She went to the albums and started sorting
through. She took one from the bottom end of the stack and examined it a
moment before bringing it back over to Ray. Passing it to him, she sat
back on the mattress and watched him stare. 

 "What am I looking at?" he asked finally. 

 "Fuck, turn it over. Read the names," she said exasperated. 

 Ray turned it over. "Which names? There are lots." 

 "Read the names of the musicians," she responded coldly. 

 Sighing, Ray read. It was only an instant before he looked up at her. "He
fucking sang with Brian Slade?" he asked. 

 "He fucking slept with Brian," Kathy replied. "He fucking did everything
with Brian and when it ended, Curt thought he'd never be the same." She
paused. "He probably wasn't. I don't know. I didn't know him back then,
but I know you can't say that name." 

 Ray leaned back. "Fuck," he breathed. "I told him Brian was our god." He
put his hand over his eyes and started rubbing. "Jimmy was the fan. Jimmy
was the guy who knew everything. I just listened to the shit with him. I
didn't mean anything by it." 

 "No one ever does." Kathy licked her lips. "Look," she paused and took in
a deep breath. "You two lost the passion about ten minutes ago. Maybe it
doesn't seem that long, but it's long enough. So why are you still here?" 

 "What do you mean?" Ray asked. 

 "You're still here, but there's no reason to stay if this was all for you
to figure out who you are. You know now, don't you?" Ray nodded. "Then why
are you here?" Kathy asked. 

 "Because... because Curt hasn't asked me to leave." 

 "Does he have to ask you? You knew from day one that when things got
complicated, you were expected to go." She watched as Ray swallowed and
looked down at his hands as he fidgeted. "You don't want to go." 

 Ray shook his head. "Not yet," he replied quietly. 

 "I don't think it's too late, Ray. I don't think it'll be over if you go
find him. Tell him you're sorry." 

 Ray looked up. "Over? You think he'd throw me out? Over this?" 

 Kathy closed her eyes a moment, debating her next sentence before licking
her lips and going for honesty. "You don't understand this thing between
Curt and Brian. Over, yes over." She let out a breath. "Go. Talk to him.
Tell him... tell him how you feel." 

 Ray stood slowly. "I don't know how I feel." 

 "If you're not ready for this to be over, then tell him anything you
want. Just go." 

 Pondering a moment first, Ray finally nodded and left.  Curt zipped and
buttoned his pants as he stepped from the bathroom stall. He didn't bother
to tuck in his wrinkled tee as he moved to the sink and lit a cigarette.
He threw his head back, side to side to move his hair from his face before
he looked at himself. The grin he gave himself was one of secrets and
lies, nefarious in its own way. 

 The man at the sink beside him finished washing his hands and grabbed a
paper towel. Curt didn't look at him as the man, dressed in jeans and a
black shirt watched him. "Maybe I'll see you in here again," the man said,
adjusting his waistband. Still Curt didn't answer so the man huffed and
left. 

 Staring at his reflection as he smoked the cigarette down to the filter,
Curt wasn't thinking of the cigarette, himself, or even that fuck he'd
just had. As he stared at the reflection of a drunk man, he thought of
Ray. He'd seen that when he'd given him that look, Ray had been worried
for just a moment. Why? Why worry about someone who didn't matter? Curt
turned his back to the reflection and closed his eyes, feeling the room
spin. Leaning against the sink to keep his balance he knew he should have
been thinking of Brian. Every time that name came up, it took him days to
get past it. He was bothered that Ray had been listening to his albums,
but mostly because of that voice. He heard that voice and those tunes he
knew as well as his own and felt a razor cutting through him. 

 He bowed his head and lit another cigarette. It was half gone when
someone walked into the bathroom. He wondered if the stupid wanker had
come back for another fuck, but figured if he didn't make eye contact,
that the guy would take a hint and leave. When a pair of black motorcycle
boots came into his vision on the tiny tiled floor, he blinked. Looking
up, he met Ray's gaze just before pushing him away and taking a step
sideways. He hadn't expected Ray to grab his arm so when he did, he
stumbled before regaining his balance. 

 "I'm sorry, Curt," Ray said. "I didn't know. Jimmy was the one all into
it. I just listened to the songs," he tried to explain. 

 Curt said nothing as he thought of the kids, the young men who listened
to the music, showed up at concerts, and bothered him for autographs. The
thrill of signing his name faded long ago, but the memories didn't. He
took a long drag of his cigarette and stared. 

 "You want me to leave. I'm not ready to go," Ray said, taking a step
toward Curt. 

 Curt didn't move. "Who said I wanted you to leave?" 

 "I figured because of what I said - how mad you were," Ray explained. 

 "Maybe," Curt breathed. "Maybe I wanted you to, but now that you're
here..." His expression softened and he took in a breath as he rested a
hand on his stomach. 

 "What? I'll do anything - now that I'm here." 

 Curt dropped his smoke into the sink before putting his hands on Ray's
body and kissing him. It was cold and passionless, but it served his
purpose, which was to show Ray who was in charge and who would make the
decisions from here on out. He thought he'd said it well with his lips
when he pulled away, but Ray grabbed him, pushed him against the sink he'd
been leaning on when Ray came in, and kissed him hard. He ran his tongue
over Curt's lip, then into his mouth, pressing it against Curt's tongue
and putting his arms around Curt. 

 Standing completely still, Curt closed his eyes and let Ray kiss his jaw,
suck on it, then move to bite his neck. It was all right that Ray was
making the move because Curt knew he was letting him. Ray started to work
on Curt's pants as Curt dizzily braced himself on the sink beside him. He
felt the air rush up from the floor and over his bare ass as Ray knelt
before him, licking his cock, then taking it into his mouth. 

 Flashing back to the beer bottle that first night, Curt felt a sucking
tug on his hardening flesh before Ray took him completely into his mouth.
He could feel Ray's tongue working furiously on his shaft while Ray moved
his mouth along it. Every once in a while, he'd feel the light pressure of
teeth on him, but he didn't feel any closer to climax. 

 It was funny, really, Curt took the time to reflect. He'd walked into the
club and drank beers until he knew he'd be drunk, then found a sucker to
perform a cleansing ritual. They had come together into the bathroom where
Curt encouraged the dark clad beast to fuck him with no fanfare. If he
thought hard enough, he could use the act to cheat on Brian. Oddly after
years and miles, he still felt like he was cheating, betraying Brian most
of the time he was with other men. It didn't bother him that he barely
felt any biological reaction in the stall and instead of trying for his
own orgasm, Curt lit a cigarette while letting the guy finish. 

 That cigarette butt still floated in the toilet, tossed aside when
something started to bother him. He heard the guy moving, leaving the
stall, and he found himself surprised because while he was able to
convince himself to feel like he was cheating on Brian, he felt more like
he had just betrayed Ray. 

 And now Ray was sucking and tugging on his penis which was fully erect,
but his mind wasn't playing into that. His eyes were closed because he was
trying desperately to feel that betrayal toward Brian, but he couldn't, no
matter how hard he tried. He blamed the alcohol, too many cigarettes, and
the bathroom sink, but all at once, his knees felt weak and he started to
slide. 

 Immediately, Ray wrapped his arms around Curt's thighs and pressed his
hands just under Curt's buttocks, supporting him as he worked. Curt
swallowed at the sensations, suddenly feeling warm and unsteady as
pressure centered at his groin. In the next moment, he felt ready to
climax, but his head and his heart lurched. As he came, a lump formed in
his throat. Patiently, he waited until Ray moved off him, then he fell to
his knees, bent over, and buried his head in Ray's chest. "I'm sorry,
Ray," he whispered so quietly that Ray couldn't hear it. 

 "What?" Ray asked breathlessly. 

 Curt sniffed and brought his lips to meet Ray's. Somehow between gasping
breaths and kisses, Curt found room to speak again. "I'm sorry, Brian. I'm
so fucking sorry," he managed before moving his lips to Ray's neck and
kissing between nearly every word. "I wish I could take it all back. I
wish we could both take it all back and start over, Goddammit! Wasn't I
worth holding on to?" he said, then bent over and buried his head in Ray's
chest again, suddenly sobbing while Ray put his arms around Curt,
embracing him despite his confusion. Curt felt the arms around him and,
for the first time, let go. 

 Chapter 15
 Curt ran his finger back and forth across his lips as his head rested
gently on the pillow. He was staring at the back of Ray's head as Ray lay
on his stomach, sleeping heavily. He couldn't pinpoint what he was feeling
as he watched him, but he knew he was feeling something. 

 Lyrics started drifting through his mind. Years passed, but the voices
were still there telling him to write, even when he didn't invite them,
even when he wanted them to shut up. A line repeated over and over as he
stared across Ray's back. He let out a soft breath and rolled over,
searching across the floor until he found a pen. Opening it, he tested the
felt tip with a dot on his hand, then shifted over Ray. 

 He was the one who took my heart
 Made it hurt
 Swallowed my soul
 All consuming 

 Dreaming that he had a spider crawling on him, Ray woke with a jerk. He
then realized something was on his back and in the lingering sleep, he
jumped away. Curt chuckled as Ray rolled onto his side and turned his head
so he could see Curt. Shifting, he rubbed his eye. "What the fuck?" 

 Curt moved his hand onto Ray's shoulder and drew a tiny smile. Ray looked
at the pen. "What are you doing?" he asked. 

 Shifting, Curt gently pressed on Ray's back. "Writing." 

 Ray obeyed, moving back onto his stomach. "Writing what?" 

 "Lyrics," he said. 

 Taking in the information, Ray pondered before he responded. "Wouldn't
that just be a poem?" 

 "I hear the music in my head." 

 "Oh." Ray lay there a moment, then felt the pen on his back again. 

 Funny how you brought it back... 

 "Are you going to read it to me?" Ray asked. 

 "It's not finished." 

 "When it's finished, will you?" 

 "No." 

 "Will you let me read it in the mirror?" 

 "No," Curt replied softly. Ray was quiet again for a long time so he
started writing again. 

 ...as though you knew... 

 "Will you sing it to me?" 

 Curt leaned close, kissing Ray's neck, then writing again. "No," he said
as he wrote. 

 ...I'd forgotten how it felt
 but this can't be love 

 "Why not?" 

 Curt cleared his throat. "Why not what?" 

 "Why won't you let me know what it says?" 

 He looked at the words, read them again. The first line had haunted him,
but the other lines spilled out unexpectedly. "You're not supposed to know
what they say." 

 "But it's on me." 

 "Yes," Curt replied. 

 "It's on my body." 

 "That's the point." 

 "And I'm not supposed to know what it says?" 

 "No. The point is that I know what it says. You'll carry my message as
far as I want it to go." 

 Ray rolled over and looked Curt in the eye, curious. "How far do you want
it to go?" 

 Curt smiled vaguely. "I don't want it to be permanent. That's why I wrote
it on you. Now you'll wash it off and it will be gone." 

 "Before even I get to see it?" 

 "Yes." Curt sighed. "Besides, they're words - just words. They don't mean
anything." 

 Ray looked confused, but Curt moved close to him, kissing him on the lips
and making him forget. Ray put his arm around Curt and held him tightly.
Holding the pen away, Curt ran his free hand down Ray's chest and kissed
his neck gently, then moved back. Ray watched him, expecting him to get
rid of the pen, but instead Curt pursed his lips and started drawing odd
triangles on Ray's right arm. Ray watched him a moment, then furrowed his
brow. "Now what are you doing?" 

 "Drawing." 

 "I see that. What are you drawing?" 

 Curt finished and smiled proudly. "Spark plugs." 

 Ray twisted to see his arm and the well-rendered Champion spark plug
symbol on his arm. "Why did you draw that?" 

 Curt shrugged and smiled. "Picture was in my head and I don't draw very
well so you got the easy version." 

 Ray chuckled. He rolled the rest of the way over, facing Curt as he
brushed the hair back from Curt's face and smiled. Curt closed the pen and
tossed it across the bed. He looked at Ray a long time before speaking.
"I'm sorry." 

 Moving to an elbow, Ray furrowed his brow. "For what?" 

 Touching Ray's hair, Curt studied the man, then removed his hand to brush
his own hair back, holding it there. 

 "For last night?" Ray pushed. 

 Curt shrugged vaguely. 

 "I should be the one who's sorry," Ray said, moving over Curt as he took
the hand he'd just brushed his hair with and holding it tight. "I'm the
one," he whispered. He wanted to kiss Curt, but the way Curt looked away
as he spoke made him feel unwelcome. Letting out a slow breath, Ray looked
intent, speaking quietly as if the softer he said it, the less upsetting
it would be. "I didn't know about Brian Slade," he said, realizing that
something in the celebrity status made it weird for him to not speak his
full name. He meant to say more, but immediately saw Curt's muscles tense
at the name. 

 Curt closed his eyes and listened. Ray was still holding his hand and
neither of them moved until Curt opened his eyes. He took his hand away
from Ray's grasp, then touched his chest. "I don't want to talk about it
anymore." 

 "Ok," Ray agreed, willing to not push the subject, willing to let it be
forgotten. Curt was lost in thought as Ray watched him, realizing he was
starting to care. He was angry that Brian had hurt Curt at any point,
regardless of whatever may have happened. In his view, it had been all
Brian's fault and Curt was the one in pain. Ray shifted closer to Curt.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked quietly. 

 Curt turned his head back to face Ray and nodded, smiling a little. When
Ray kissed him, Curt put his hand behind Ray's head and held him there,
kissing him back. He shifted under Ray and put his other hand on Ray's ear
and let his jaw drop open, his tongue moving out into Ray's mouth. Ray
accepted his tongue and nibbled it gently. Pushing his hand smoothly under
the blanket, Ray put his hand over Curt's chest and shifted his weight
also. 

 Finally freeing his lips from Curt, Ray started to kiss Curt's chin,
working his way down the neck where he bit some skin and licked the flesh
as he held it between his teeth. Curt breathed loudly, moving his hands
down onto Ray's back. Ray let go and let his tongue explore Curt's neck
and shoulder, running a hand down Curt's side and tracing lines over his
pelvis. He moved down to suckle Curt's nipple, Curt shivering as he felt
it. Ray brushed his hand onto Curt's thigh and slid his hand beneath,
rubbing smoothly into the muscles while he ran his tongue across to Curt's
other nipple. He ran his tongue around it, shifting his body closer to
Curt. Ray was swept up in the ecstasy, his body anticipating each move as
he shifted down and tasted every inch of Curt, brushing tongue over the
ripples of flesh and bone which hung smoothly on Curt. His ribcage stuck
out when he took in a sharp breath and then felt Ray bite the skin there,
closing lips around to suck it hard. 

 Eventually, Ray moved down, licking around Curt's navel and running his
hand under Curt's ass to rub until he slowly led a trail with his tongue
down to the hard cock. Ray barely licked the tip, giving it one suck, then
a nip before quickly moving his body back over Curt and kissing his lips.
Curt moaned, digging his fingers into Ray as they kissed until he knew he
couldn't wait any longer. He pushed Ray back, holding and rolling with him
until he was on top. He moved to his knees and positioned them between
Ray's legs. 

 Curt lifted Ray's legs, placing the backs of the thighs against his chest
as Ray lifted his lower back from the bed. Shifting forward, Curt
positioned himself into Ray, pushing slightly. Ray groaned, his head
pushing back into the pillows as Curt entered him. Curt held still a
moment, then slid his knees closer to Ray, positioning them under Ray
awkwardly, but then he leaned back slightly and held one of Ray's thighs,
pushing in deeper. Ray shifted and a moment later, both were comfortable
as Curt thrust his hips into Ray harder. 

 Watching Ray's erection, Curt pumped again, his position not giving him
room to maneuver touching Ray. Ray licked his lips, relaxing slightly
against Curt until Curt thrust again, driving himself deeper and deeper
until Ray's flesh turned pink. Ray supported himself with one hand and let
his other hand slide down his stomach and onto his groin. As soon as Curt
watched Ray grab himself, his heart jumped and he thrust again. He almost
felt a voyeur as he watched Ray tugging on himself, but it just added to
his stimulation and he let out a loud breath as he pushed into Ray again. 

 Ray's skin was bursting as he tugged himself, letting his own weight push
himself down onto Curt's thrusting cock. Every time Curt moved, Ray would
stop breathing a moment, unable to take in oxygen with all the sensations
running through him. He let out each breath with a moan until he felt on
the verge of climax. There he stayed for several seconds, praying for the
release of the great pressure. Finally, Curt shoved against him and he
could feel Curt coming inside him, muscles pounding together. Ray squeezed
himself and jerked his hand, groaning at the tension while Curt shifted
out from where he was positioned. Ray's lower body fell limply to the bed,
and he tugged again, his heart racing. Curt could see that Ray was
experiencing stress as he pumped himself fiercely so he moved over Ray,
gently moved his hand, and sucked the cock into his mouth. Curt took in
the entire thing and swallowed. Ray felt the swallow from the tip of his
penis to his toes and in one unexpected burst, he yelled out, gasping for
breath as his body slowly moved from the orgasm into one of complete
submission. Curt sucked Ray in, keeping the sensation going as long as he
could before slowly taking his mouth from Ray. 

 Ray gasped as he motioned to Curt, inviting him back up where he kissed
him fervently until Curt pulled back and fell on the bed beside him.
Curling into Ray's body, Curt stayed there while they both caught their
breaths and savoured each other's company. 

 After what could have been hours, Ray moved out of the bed, smiling coyly
as he looked at Curt. Glancing at Ray's back, Curt remembered the lyrics
and shook his head, shaking away cobwebs before he got out of bed. He took
a few quick steps to get behind Ray as Ray entered the bathroom. Turning,
Ray cranked his head to one side and tried to see the reflection of his
back in the mirror. Curt moved behind him and put his arms around Ray. Ray
chuckled. "Oh, come on. If it means nothing..." 

 "It's just nonsense," Curt said. "Come on. Shower. Let me wash it off." 

 Ray looked at Curt. "I just want to know what nonsense is in your head." 

 Curt averted the conversation by kissing Ray hard and backing him toward
the shower. He held Ray there, reaching past to turn on the water.
"Please?" 

 "Please?" Ray mocked. 

 Curt smiled gently. "Please?" he repeated, his tone more of a beg now. 

 Ray stepped backward into the water reluctantly. Curt climbed in with him
and a moment later, he had the soap on Ray' back. Ray closed his eyes,
enjoying the sensation of a massage with lather while Curt worked on him.
He let out a soft moan and leaned against the wall. 

 After quite a while, Curt put both his arms around Ray, handing him the
soap. "Here," he said. 

 "Oh, no full body massage?" Ray joked. 

 Curt chuckled. "You just got one out there," he remarked. "Just how
insatiable are you?" 

 "Pretty relentless," Ray replied, taking the soap. "Got it all off?" 

 Curt put his head on Ray's back and nodded. 

 "Still not going to tell me what it said?" he asked. 

 "No," Curt responded, then rubbed his hand on Ray's back. "You're soapy.
I should have let you rinse off first." 

 Ray finished cleaning himself, then kissed Curt once more before getting
out and leaving the warm water to him. He dried off and left the bathroom.
The basket of clean clothes was where Curt always left it so Ray tucked
the corner of the towel under the side and wandered over. Slicking back
his hair, he took out the pair of boxers and pulled them on. After he'd
been there a day or two, he'd gone out to buy clothes, but Curt insisted
it was a waste of money since they wore nearly the same things. Still, Ray
had insisted on boxers since those briefs were uncomfortable - and not
his. So once he had on a clean pair, he poked through to find pants and a
shirt. 

 He was putting on socks when Curt came out of the bathroom. He couldn't
help stopping to look at the naked body as Curt passed before him and went
to the basket. He loved that Curt could walk around completely naked
without fear of what the people outside the large windows or a person
knocking on the door might think. He sighed. 

 Curt straightened and turned. "Problem?" 

 "Nope," Ray said. "Want to go to the diner today?" 

 Curt nodded. "Kathy will be impressed to see me out of bed so early on my
day off." 

 Chapter 16
 The regulars at the club were starting to call them a pair. They were
greeted as "Hey, Curt and Ray" in one breath as though it was all one
name. It wasn't the first time Curt had been given the middle name of
'and' with the last name of some man. Ray wasn't the first and he wouldn't
be the last, Curt reminded himself. 'So why does it bother me to hear them
say it now?' 

 Kathy was a step behind and as she went to the bar, the other two
separated and went to the dance floor. Ray had never danced with a man
before, and he'd never danced like this. Stella thought dancing was
ballroom dancing so he hadn't bothered to learn other moves. Over the past
several weeks, however, Curt and Kathy had made him their pet project. 

 Now, as they moved to the music, Ray pressed his body against Curt and
just held him. It wasn't exactly what he'd been taught, he just wanted to
hold him. 

 Kathy turned from the bar and saw Ray and Curt moving together. She
watched their bodies pressed together, Ray taking Curt's hand in his own
as he moved his arm. Curt put his other arm around Ray and leaned in to
say something. Ray laughed and Kathy found herself smiling at a joke she
didn't even hear. 

 The three danced all night, pacing their beers until the alcohol was cut
off. After that they danced until the party died, then shared a cab. Kathy
watched Curt and Ray holding hands in the cab, Ray's thumb stroking the
back of Curt's hand until they pulled up outside Curt's building. She
watched Ray climb out, then Curt leaned out. "Got cash?" Curt asked Ray. 

 Kathy touched Curt's arm. "I'll pay the whole fare," she offered. 

 Curt looked back at her and smiled. "Thanks," he said, climbing out. As
soon as they were gone, she gave the cabbie her destination. 

 Holding his hand until they were inside the loft, Curt used the grip to
pull Ray against himself as soon as he closed the door. His other arm went
around Ray, securing his body against his as he licked Ray's neck. 

 Ray had expected a kiss on the lips, but when he didn't get it, he leaned
his head back and savoured the tickling sensation. Curt tugged his fingers
from Ray and looked at the body he was holding with the other arm. Ray saw
him staring at the shirt. Before he had a chance to react, Curt grabbed at
the collar, tugged it aside, and bit Ray's chest. 

 Ray shuddered, a moment later hearing the fabric tear. He thought of the
first night, faded by the booze he'd had then as much as what he had now,
but the tearing was just as clear in his ears. Curt bit so hard that Ray
jerked away, but was held too tightly to get free. Curt tore until he
could reach his arm inside, the security of the fabric holding him to Ray
adding to the pressure he felt within. He slid his hand to Ray's back and
dug his nails in until Ray gave way under him and they both sank to the
floor. 

 The torn shirt came off first, Ray and Curt working together to get rid
of it. As Curt took it and tossed it aside, Ray's hands went to Curt's
pants and started unbuttoning, the desire making his fingers disobedient.
Curt followed right behind, undoing Ray's pants and immediately thrusting
his hand inside. Ray jerked Curt's pants down as far as he could without
help, then lifted his pelvis as they both worked on getting Ray's pants
off. After that, Curt finished kicking off his own pants as Ray took off
Curt's shirt and sent a return bite into Curt's flesh. 

 Curt gasped and moaned, his hair falling to tickle Ray's face, then Curt
took Ray's mouth into his own and licked it furiously. He bit Ray's lip
while Ray moved his hands down Curt's back. Slipping reluctantly from
Ray's mouth, Curt moved down to lick Ray's neck again, biting near the
jugular. Barely able to catch his breath, Ray grunted. 

 Breathing heavily, Curt moved off Ray. He knew he had a bottle of sweet
liquor on the floor near the kitchen so Curt started to crawl toward it.
Ray flipped over and saw Curt moving away so he grabbed Curt, crawling up
behind him, then throwing his body over the lower half of Curt's. Ray took
in a loud breath and bit into Curt's ass, trying to slide up Curt's body.
At the same time, Curt tried to reach the bottle, pulling himself across
the floor by fingers. When he finally reached it, he twisted in Ray's grip
and showed him what he had. Ray smiled a little and loosened his hold. He
rolled back onto his back as Curt crawled back, putting one knee between
Ray's thighs before opening the bottle. 

 Pouring the thick liquid over them both, Ray chuckled, watching Curt rub
his chest. Curt chuckled also, knowing this was from his past, his distant
past - the one before Brian. He leaned back over Ray and hungrily licked
the alcohol from Ray's body. His tongue traced his chest and abdomen until
Curt felt Ray writhing beneath him. 

 Wrapping his hand around Curt's erection, Ray started to press, touch,
and tug. Curt tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, then reached down to
take Ray's cock in his own hand. He pressed his pelvis against Ray,
grinding their hands between them. Still, neither of them slowed their
movement, they just massaged in the space they were left. 

 Ray brought his pelvis up to Curt's then, the tension in his body
overwhelming. The heat between them disguised the heat just before orgasm,
but Ray still felt the tingling in his body before he released fluid
between them. He gasped and moaned as Curt started to kiss his chest
again, licking at it until he came himself, their fluids mixing together
as they shifted against each other. 

 Ray wrapped his weary arm over Curt's frame and held him tightly. Curt
could feel Ray's muscles pulsating as he closed his eyes and the two
relaxed their bodies into each other. Curt listened to Ray as his
breathing became slow, deep, and peaceful. For a moment he thought Ray was
asleep, but then Ray's voice gently whispered into his ear. "I love you,
Curt." 

 "I love you too," Curt said, his body immediately freezing in position.
He realized the words he'd said and it made every nerve ending tingle, but
not in a good way. Instead he swallowed hard and clenched his jaw. How
could he say that? It wasn't true and now Ray wouldn't know any better.
Bringing his hand up, he rubbed his face which felt suddenly warm. Until
he fell asleep, he wondered what he was going to do. 

 Chapter 17
 "Well, good morning, Ray," Kathy greeted. "I didn't really expect to see
you in here alone this morning. 

 "Curt had to work," Ray said, then shrugged. "I thought he didn't work
weekends, but suddenly this morning he said he forgot he had something to
do." He paused. "Think that's strange?" 

 Kathy poured his coffee. "Not really. He's forgetting things all the time
and I've known him to work some odd hours when he needs to get away." 

 "Get away? From me?" 

 She shrugged. "From everything. I wouldn't assume it's you." 

 Ray sipped the coffee. "Well, anyway, last night was nice." 

 "Club is always fun," she commented. 

 Ray smiled. 

 "Yeah, I know what you meant, but I wasn't there for that, remember?" 

 Ray chuckled. "Well, it was interesting." 

 "Good," she replied. "Keep it interesting. I'd like to see things last a
while." 

 Ray grinned and spoke into his cup, causing the slightest echo. "Me too,"
he breathed as she went off to take care of a customer.  "I'm going to be
here all night sorting out this mess," Curt said into the phone. "I'm
sorry," he added, trying to sound sincere. 

 "Are you sure? All night?" Ray asked. 

 Curt let out a breath. "Yes. The tracks are all mixed up and the
recordings are messed up," he lied. 

 "Are you sure I can't come help you?" Ray asked. "Maybe keep you
company?" 

 "Nope. Sorry," Curt responded. "Listen, if I don't get back to work, I'll
never finish, ok? I'll see you at home later." 

 "All right," Ray said. "I'll wait here for you." 

 "Good. Who knows? Maybe I'll get home in time for us to do something," he
said, giving Ray hope and a reason to stay in the apartment. "I'll call
you later if I can, ok?" 

 "Yeah," Ray replied.  "Hey, I talked to Ray an hour ago. He said you guys
weren't coming out tonight," Kathy observed as she drank a beer. 

 Curt drank his. "Well, Ray didn't feel like coming," he said. "I just
told him I needed a night out." 

 "Maybe I should go see how he's doing," Kathy offered. 

 "No, no," Curt responded, grabbing her arm. "No, he said he wanted to
rest. We stayed out too late last night." 

 "You worked today. Why didn't he rest then?" 

 Curt shrugged. "How did you know I worked?" 

 "Ray came by the diner." 

 "Oh. Well, he didn't mention that. I don't know. I went home and told him
I wanted to go out and he said I should go so he could relax. Too much of
a good thing, I guess," he said with a smile just before lighting a
cigarette. "I'm going to go dance," Curt announced, leaving Kathy standing
alone.	Ray sat on the bed reading a magazine he'd found at the bottom of
Curt's things. He listened in case Curt came to the door so he'd have time
to hide it, but the stairwell was silent. He waited with the phone near
the bed, but as it got later and he got tired, he pulled the blankets over
himself and fell asleep.  Curt zipped his pants and nodded at the guy who
winked as he walked back to the dance floor. Lighting another cigarette
with his last, Curt took a puff and watched the people. He found himself
looking down at them. 'Fools. Drones. They search around looking for love,
but they don't have a fucking clue what it is. I do. I know. I had it and
I lost it. Now I have to live without it,' he told himself. 

 Kathy moved up beside him, the look on his face concerning her. She
hadn't ever seen that expression before, but she knew it wasn't good. She
touched his arm. "Where'd you go? I was looking for you." 

 Curt glanced at her, puffed the cigarette, then walked away. 

 Chapter 18
 The next night, Curt took Ray to the club himself. They danced for an
hour while Curt drank heavily. Ray felt the cigarette smell burning its
way into his clothes. Normally, the cigarette here and there Curt had
didn't bother him. He was inclined to have one at the clubs himself, but
Curt had been smoking like a chimney since he got out of bed. 

 "I'm going to get a drink," Curt announced. 

 "Maybe you should cut back for a bit," Ray suggested. 

 Curt looked at Ray and shrugged. "I'll cut back when I decide," he said,
pushing past Ray. 

 Watching Curt go, Ray knew he had to get to the bottom of this, to find
out what was going on. He moved off the floor, waiting for Curt to finish
at the bar. 

 A man in suede pants and a blue sweater moved up to Ray. "Hi," he said,
suggestively. Ray furrowed his brow when he took his eyes off Curt to meet
the man's gaze. The man held out his hand. "My name's Stephen." 

 Ray stared. 

 "I was with Curt last night. Thought maybe that'd give us some common
ground." 

 "You work with Curt?" Ray asked. 

 "No, I mean I was here with him. I noticed the two of you aren't together
anymore and..." 

 Ray shifted. "We're together," he said insistently. "And he wasn't here
last night." 

 "Fucked someone who looked just like him," Stephen said, laughing. "Hey,
no biggie. The best get dumped by Curt. You've got the looks though.
Shouldn't take you long to..."' 

 "What the fuck are you talking about?" Ray asked, angrily. 

 "I just saw you standing here and thought I could help you get over..." 

 "There's nothing to get over. I don't know what you're talking about,"
Ray said, feeling his face get hot. He wanted to know that this guy was
lying, but the truth was, part of him feared he was telling the truth.
Pointing at the guy's chest, he continued in a rage. "He wasn't here last
night. He and I are still together. You're fucking nuts." 

 Stephen put a hand in one pocket. "I..." he got out before Ray's fist met
his face and Stephen fell to the floor. Ray squatted over him, debating
another punch before something called to him. Something inside asked where
Curt was at this very moment and as he rose to his feet and turned, he
found the spot at the bar empty. 

 Ray walked through the crowd without hearing the sound around him or the
calls from the people who had seen him punch Stephen. Searching only for
Curt, he saw no other faces. He walked around to the bar, then back to the
tables. He'd found Curt in the bathroom that night so he went there next.
A man urinating nodded, but other than that, it was empty. Going back out
to the club area, he went behind the tables to the booths. The corner
created by the last booth was shifting in the shadows. 

 His pace slowing, Ray crept up. As he neared, he stepped out of the light
and his eyes adjusted to see the two figured in the darkness. Curt was
behind another man, fucking him hard and grunting. Ray tried to pull his
feet up, to leave as soon as he saw it, but it didn't happen before Curt
looked up and saw him. At that moment, Ray expected some amount of regret,
but that wasn't what he got. Curt just kept moving, looking at Ray.
Finally managing to move, Ray turned and stormed past the booths and
tables. 

 Curt stopped when Ray walked away. He felt a piece of him going away,
tugged from him, but he just stood there a moment. Willing himself to
finish what he'd started, he realized it was a lost cause. Pulling out, he
started to do up his pants. The man protested, but Curt grunted. "Fuck
off," he growled as he brushed past the guy and went out of the club.  Ray
took a cab to the diner and walked inside. It was too late for Kathy to be
working, but he hoped. He saw Glory instead. 

 "Hey," she greeted. Met with silence, she took a moment to see the
distress on Ray's face. "What's up?" 

 "I'm looking for Kathy. I came to say good bye." 

 "She's not working," Glory said. "Good bye?" 

 Ray nodded. 

 "I know she'd want to talk to you. Let me give you her address." 

 Ray nodded again and waited until Glory scribbled the numbers on her
order pad. She tore the page and handed it to him. Ray got into a cab and
rode to the address. 

 Knocking on the door, he was eventually greeted by Kathy. Her smile faded
as soon as she saw him. "Ray? How the hell did you find me?" 

 "Glory gave me your address," he breathed. 

 "Why are you here?" 

 "I came to say good bye. You were nice to me, you tried to help me. I
didn't think I could leave without telling you." 

 Kathy blinked, grabbing his arm and pulling him inside. She guided him
into a tiny living room where she let him lean against the wall. "Hey,
Tony, scram," she said to the man on her couch. 

 "What?" 

 "I said scram," she repeated. 

 Tony stood, picking keys up off the coffee table before brushing past
them and leaving. Kathy waved to the couch. "Sit," she ordered. 

 Ray obeyed, not sure what else to do. Kathy sat beside him. "What
happened?" 

 "I didn't mean to interrupt..." 

 "Tony's an old friend. It's fine. So tell me." 

 "I'm going home. I'm going back to Chicago." 

 "Why?" Kathy pressed. Ray brushed back his hair and she wondered for a
moment if that wetness in his eye meant he wanted to cry or if he had been
crying. She leaned closer. "Ray?" 

 "I'm going to marry Stella." 

 "Why the hell would you do that?" Kathy asked, shocked. 

 "Because I don't love her." He met her gaze. "Because even if I did,
she'd never cheat on me. Because if she cheated on me, it wouldn't hurt." 

 Kathy looked sympathetic. Curt had followed his usual tradition and
cheated on Ray. It was a pattern by now. "Ray, I'm sorry." 

 Ray sniffed, choking slightly. "I had to say good bye," he said softly,
putting his hand on Kathy's knee. 

 She took his hand. "Ray, Curt sometimes does stupid things. There's a
story I heard that he..." 

 "I just can't get hurt again," Ray breathed. 

 "I know. I think..." she began, then realized Ray was leaning toward her,
his lips far too close to hers. Shocked, she jumped to her feet. "Ray,
don't be stupid." 

 Ray stood. "I just want..." 

 "Don't. You don't want me. You don't want Stella. Don't fool yourself." 

 Ray met her gaze with sorrowful eyes, then moved past her. "I'm sorry,"
he said. "I have to go." 

 "Ray, it's ok. You're upset..." 

 "I have to go!" he said again as he opened the door and left.	Kathy
knocked on the door, pounding until it slid open. Curt stumbled as it
moved, trying desperately to keep his balance. Kathy looked down to see
him holding a bottle of gin and a cigarette in his other hand. He looked
at her with a glazed expression as she walked inside and looked around. At
least he was alone. She pushed the door closed and turned to him. "What
happened?" she asked abruptly. 

 "Nothing," Curt said. 

 "Something, obviously. Did you have to cheat on Ray? I told you to be
nice. I told you not to break him." 

 Curt stumbled to the chair and fell into it. "I didn't break him." 

 "Sure as hell did, and just like I predicted, he's going back to the safe
conservative life where he'll rot away like..." 

 "He said he loved me." 

 "So the fuck what? You hear that all the time and not just from the guys
spending more than a night." 

 Curt looked up, brushing back his hair. "I never said it back before." 

 Kathy stiffened, staring unbelieving at Curt. She crossed the room and
sank onto the mattress. "Did you mean it?" she asked. 

 Curt swallowed, stared, then leaned back into the chair and drank from
the bottle of gin like it was water, coughing as he came up. She reached
out and grabbed his knee. "Did you mean it Curt? Do you love him?" 

 Getting to his feet, Curt swung the bottle around. "What difference does
it make? I cheated on him. He's gone. For good. It's just better." 

 "Not if you love him. Curt, if you love him..." 

 "No! I don't! I love Brian! I loved Brian! He walked off with my heart
and I'll never have it back!" he yelled angrily, moving to the side of the
room and kicking a few boxes before overturning the laundry basket. He
threw the bottle at the window and it flew out, glass from the bottle and
the window shattering together inside the room and into the street. He
followed that by picking up a box and throwing it to the opposite wall. 

 Kathy stayed on the bed, a safe distance as she rubbed her hands over her
mouth. 

 Epilogue - Repercussions
 Ray lay his head in Stella's lap, sobbing. "Please Stella. Please. I'm
sorry," he begged. "You let me in. There must be some part of you willing
to take me back." 

 Stella touched his hair. "I shouldn't. I'm sorry, Ray, but you didn't
call. I was worried sick and..." 

 "I know. I know. I know. Believe me, if I could take it all back, I
would," he insisted with such sincerity, she believed him. 

 "Do you love me?" she asked. 

 "More than anything, Stel. More than life itself. I'll never leave you
again. I'll never hurt you, I promise."  The night of Ray's bachelor
party, he knew he was too drunk to be sitting in a tattoo parlor, but his
friends thought it was a good idea. They went through the books and Ray
considered getting Stella's name, but he mostly knew that would be a lie.
He didn't want a permanent lie painted on his skin. 

 All at once, he thought of Curt. It burned in him and as he tried to
forget, he thought of one of their last blissful moments. Pulling up his
sleeve, he pointed to his arm. "Do like those spark plugs. I want it to
look just like the symbol for Champion spark plugs." 

 His friends tried to talk him out of it, but Ray was determined. 

 The next day, he got married. He knew why he felt it was the day of a
funeral, but occasionally he remembered to smile. 

 He and Stella had decided not to sleep together again until the wedding
night. Mostly it was Ray with the excuse that it would make it more
beautiful. Instead, he found himself on his back in the early morning with
Stella asleep and silent tears running down his face.  It was two weeks
before their fifth anniversary when Ray got the call from Jimmy's mom.
They knew. They all knew and had known for well over a year, but it still
hurt like hell to hear that he was gone. Out of his misery, done with the
suffering, maybe, but he was gone. 

 Part of Ray's rage stemmed inside himself. Jimmy got AIDS. Ray worked in
a job where they were well educated about the disease, but Ray still let
years of wondering pass. The day they got news that Jimmy was gone, he
hung up and turned to Stella. 

 "We'll fly out to Seattle tomorrow," she offered. "I'll get time off from
work and you can too." She stepped up to him and put an arm around him.
"It's ok," she said. 

 Ray leaned close and nodded as his head rested against hers. He reached
around under her shoulder and up to wipe his mouth before stepping back.
"I have to tell you something," he said softly, moving with her to sit on
the couch. She looked concerned, expect to hear something upsetting about
Jimmy. 

 "What is it, Ray?" 

 "I... I don't know how to tell you this." 

 "Tell me what?" she asked. "You know we've always been able to tell each
other everything." 

 "Not this," he said, then cleared his throat. 

 She furrowed her brow. "Start at the beginning." 

 He shifted. "In the beginning, we were engaged. I got confused and angry
and ... and I needed some last thing to tell me that this was the right
decision." 

 Stella felt it coming. He'd cheated on her and now the woman had shown up
with a baby. Stella was sure of it. She'd toyed with that possibility ever
since he returned, behaving like he had a secret. 

 "So I fled to New York because it was the next flight out and I met... I
met someone." 

 'Yes, that's it exactly,' Stella thought. 

 "I started to wonder what it would be like, I guess. I was curious. I ...
I'm not sure I can explain why I let it happen, but I did." 

 'Spit it out, Ray,' she willed with her mind. 

 "And now. Now everything is out there and we're finding out that there's
this epidemic and everyone's at risk, but back then... back then it was
just one group and..." 

 "What?" Stella asked, now confused. 

 "I've been too afraid. Too afraid to admit it to you and too afraid to
get tested." 

 "Tested?" 

 "And I put you at risk. We should both go. We should both go together
because Jimmy is dead and I don't want to lose you, but I'm scared," Ray
admitted softly. 

 Stella blinked. "You cheated on me, but not with a woman?" she asked,
astounded. 

 Ray nodded. 

 Standing, Stella grabbed her chest and started pacing. "I can't believe
this. I can't believe what you're saying! You're saying I might have...
have..." 

 "AIDS, Stel, it has a name," he breathed. 

 Moving back, Stella reached out and slapped him hard across the face. He
knew he deserved it.  That was the beginning of the end for them. Stella
was so angry all the time after that and Ray felt he deserved it. Even
though the tests came out negative, she scolded him for his stupidity. The
day he got the divorce papers, he was far from surprised. He was
depressed, but not shocked and he worked in the slump for two years before
he was offered a new life undercover. 

 The End 

End Mangle Your Mind by Snowee: alaskanrose515@hotmail.com

Author and story notes above.