Bring Yourself "Bring Yourself"
 By Viridian5
 1/5/00

 RATING: PG-13; Fraser/Kowalski. Well, kind of. If m/m interaction bothers
you, walk on by. But this one has a twist in the tail, so I'm issuing a
bit of a warning.
 SPOILERS: Nope. This doesn't even take place in the same century as the
show.
 SUMMARY: It's time to get everything out in the open.
 ARCHIVING/DISTRIBUTION: I'm open to it, but please ask first. DIEF or DSX
would be fine.
 FEEDBACK: Hell, yes. Feedback can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
 DISCLAIMERS: My two lead characters are based on Fraser and Ray K--who,
like all things _due South_, belong to Alliance--but I think Ian Frost and
Billy Hawkins are mine anyway. No infringement intended. 
 NOTES: I have no one to blame for this but myself, though the last past
life story could be blamed on the serge list. 
 I tried my best here, but any mistakes in history are my own.
 Background music is the second Days of the New album for its riding music
and the title, followed by Switchblade Symphony's _The Three Calamities_
for a general feeling of strangeness. 

 ========================
 "Bring Yourself"
 By Viridian5
 ========================

 

Our quarry put on another burst of speed, knowing full well that he neared
the border. Constable Sinclair and I redoubled our own efforts, snow
crunching and skidding beneath our feet. If Jenkins crossed into the
United States, he would be out of our jurisdiction and untouchable. 

"This would be so much easier if we still had our horses!" Sinclair
gasped. I worried for him. He could be as relentless as a hound on the
hunt, but we'd been running for hours, and he had that old knee injury. 

Given the opportunity, he would run himself into the ground. 

I regretted what I'd done, even if it had seemed right at the time. "That
family needed them more, and only for a brief time," I panted back. 

"Frost, why *did* I save your life three years ago?" 

Speaking of the knee injury... "So you could use it as blackmail for the
rest of my life." 

"Oh. Well, that is correct. And if you die, I can't use it anymore." 

"Brat. I pay and pay and pay." 

"No! He's across. Nothing to lose now. He still has a huge lead, but maybe
I can make the shot..." 

"Thom, that would be illegal!" 

"I'm waiting for you to make a point." 

A gunshot rang out, and Jenkins screamed and fell. I thought I could see
him writhing on the ground. A horse galloped toward the border from the
American side and stopped next to Jenkins. Its slender rider reholstered
his gun, leapt down, and started to drag Jenkins back over the border. 

"Why, it's Billy Hawkins," Sinclair said. 

"Would you please get that smirk off your face." 

"I'm sorry. I thought you'd be happy to see your one true love, even if he
is a Yank. Are you worried about what society will think?" 

Yes, there were disadvantages to having an open-minded partner, at least
when he was Constable Thomas Sinclair. "With our postings? Society has
little to do with us. No, he's far too young. He hasn't even begun to
shave yet." 

"You'll let a razor come between you and true love?" 

Pay and pay and.... 

When we reached Billy and Jenkins, I saw that Jenkins had been shot
cleanly through the thigh in a way that hobbled but didn't cripple him. If
I knew Billy, the bullet had missed the bone as well. 

"Well, lookee here. You're in Canada again. However did that happen?" the
American shootist gloated in his soft, hoarse- sounding voice. His poncho
swirled around him in the wind, which also whipped his hat off, revealing
a tangle of tarnished gold hair. Fortunate his hat had that cord that went
around his slim neck. "Tommy! Ian! How are Canada's finest today?" He put
it back on, tipped it at us, and grinned. At me. 

No one would say that Billy was pretty, but there was something very
pleasing about his almost delicate face, the way his green eyes sparkled.
He could be like barbwire at times, and he was rough of manner but good at
heart. His talent with the two guns he carried never failed to stun me. 

He never failed to stun me. 

Sinclair saw that I was too busy trying not to stare at Billy to speak, so
the young demon said, "Much better now that you've brought Jenkins in. But
he can't walk now." 

"Dump him over the back of my horse. I'd like to walk with you for a
while, if it's all right. You just have to take him in to the nearest
outpost, right?" 

Sinclair's smirk deepened. "That's fine. Isn't that fine, Constable
Frost?" 

Only great effort kept me from sighing. "Exceedingly. Billy, how did you
come to be at the border at such a fortuitous time?" 

Billy took a moment to translate that, then said, "The Sight runs in my
family. I'm told I was born with a caul." 

"Uhm. Well...." 

"I'm joking, Ian. It was pure chance. The fortuitous thing was you Mountie
boys wearing your red coats so I had some idea what was going on and could
help." 

Billy knocked Jenkins out with the butt of his gun. "Billy!" I protested. 

"What? It's not like I *fired* it in Canada. Besides, he's a bad guy. On
the frontier he'd be lucky to make it to a hanging jury alive." Then
Billy's face went still. "He is a really bad guy, right? I didn't just
shoot someone for something stupid, did I?" 

"No, he's a murderer." 

"That's good then. Hey, is there some new thing where the Mounties aren't
mounted anymore?" 

"Tell him why we don't have any horses, Ian." 

Pay and pay and.... 

****************************************************** 

Thom and I needed a rest, so we set up camp for a while. Thom had begged
Billy to do some gun tricks for us. I could make a comment about my
partner being easily amused, but Billy's grace with his guns did hold the
eye. The pistols spun like magic in his long-fingered hands as he spoke. 

"--worked for a rancher for a while, and, let me tell you, it turned out
that that man was so crooked he could see around corners. Got tired of
feeling like I was helping someone really awful, so I did an outrider bit
for some stagecoaches. Then I got deputized for a while in one town, but
that only lasted until we brought that outlaw gang to justice. It was nice
to have regular folk respecting me for a while, but it didn't last, never
does." Billy holstered his guns. "Isn't your commanding officer going to
be upset about the horses?" 

"We'll get them back," I said. 

"But not until after we bring Jenkins in. Wolfe will take a fit when he
hears." Sinclair put on his Wolfe voice and gestures to say, "'Someday,
constables, I will go with you to see how it is that you two can turn
something simple into something strange and complicated. You better pray
that day never comes. There are proper ways of doing things...' He'll
start to do that entertaining thing with his hands. I can't wait." 

Billy cleared his throat. "I need to talk to you, Ian. Alone." 

Thom kept shooting me significant looks. I returned to speechlessness.
"Uhm..." 

Billy shrugged. "Okay. But if you want me, but I'll be a few trees down
for a bit. See ya." 

As Billy walked away, Thom hit me on the shoulder. "What did I save your
life for anyway? Go!" 

"If you get up and start limping to drive your point home, I will throttle
you." 

"I ran for hours! Fine. Abuse me all you care to, but talk to Billy first.
You two are making me crazy!" 

"You're incorrigible." 

"Yes, that's why I'm the only partner of yours who sticks around. Go!" 

I stood and followed Billy, to Thom's applause. Billy hadn't gone far,
just out of earshot of camp. He leaned, arms crossed, with exaggerated
ennui against a pine trunk. "Glad you could join me. I think you know what
this is about." 

I decided to be uncharacteristically bold out of fear that we would
continue circling around the issue in a torturing dance, as we had every
other time before, forever otherwise. "I care for you, deeply, but it
can't work." 

"Why not? It's because I'm a boy, right?" 

"No. It's you, not your shape, that matters to me." 

Billy let out a breath in relief. "Then what's the problem?" 

"It's how young you are." 

"And you're a codger?" 

"I'm 34." 

"Let me get you your cane!" He shrugged. "I'm 22, myself." 

I let myself stroke his exceedingly smooth chin and shivered myself at the
shudder that went through him. "Liar." 

He took in a deep breath. "Okay. I was going to do this anyway." 

He took off his hat, then his poncho. When he unbuttoned his coat, then
started on his shirt, I asked, "What are you doing? It's cold." 

He pulled his shirt partially open to reveal tightly wrapped bandages
binding his chest. At first I thought he'd been injured and that was what
he'd intended to show me. He suddenly had a knife in his hand and cut the
bandages away. 

To reveal a gentle swell of breasts. "My God." 

Billy closed up... his? shirt and took advantage of my shock to explain.
"I've been a boy for five years now; it's the only way I can live the way
I want. Being a woman shootist would be putting a target on my back." 

How could I have been so fooled? "Who are you really, then?" 

"This *is* who I am! I never lied to you, Ian. I never said to you, 'Hey,
Frost, I'm a boy.' I showed you most of the truth; this is the rest.
Putting me in petticoats would be the lie." 

"How do you possibly fool everyone?" 

"Smarts and sneakiness. It's better than the alternative." 

"The alternative?" 

"Probably rape and death, whether I got discovered for a woman out here or
went to that marriage my parents had planned for me to some guy who'd
already buried one wife. You don't know how easy it was to walk away from
that life. No one ever expected me to just leave. Turns out the only thing
keeping in my place was not realizing I could go. Went West because there
you are who you make yourself to be, not who you were born." 

"I... don't know what to say." 

Billy's mouth twisted as he rebuttoned his coat and put his poncho back
on. "Your look says it all. Hey, don't give me away to anyone else, okay?
I worked hard to set myself up." 

If I didn't break free of my shock and do something, he would leave
forever, and with the wrong impression. I grabbed his arm. "No, it's not
like that at all. I said it wasn't your shape. I'm just surprised." 

That cocky smile I loved resurfaced. "Got you good?" 

"Got me." I pulled him in and kissed him until we were both dizzy. 

Billy grinned. "Good thing it's not me being a boy that put you off,
because that's not stopping. I never was no lady, and I'm not starting
now." 

I tried to imagine Billy in petticoats and nearly choked at how wrong the
picture looked. "I'm fine with that. But now we have to let Thom know
we've come to an agreement." 

"If he misbehaves, I'll kick him in the head for you." 

"I'm seeing the advantages to this already." 

**********************THE END*********************** 

NOTE: I did mention my love of _Dead Again_ in the last past life story.
<g>
 When I mentioned my plans for Dief, Dawn Sharon asked me if it was a step
up or down for a dog to be reborn as a human. Ray often seems to think
that a dog's life is better... I know opinions on reincarnation vary, but
I tend to think it's weird to try to rate how much better one form is than
another. That means I don't necessarily see coming back as a plant or
animal as a demotion. So Dief is Fraser's equal in any life. (Though I
guess that also means any of them could come back for a brief existence as
a chrysanthemum or something.) 

More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room at
http://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/