Disclaimer: Alliance owns Fraser, Kowalski, Welsh, Vecchio, Huey, Dewey,
Diefenbaker, Vecchio, Thatcher and Turnbull. I'm just using them for my
own perverse pleasure. Everybody else belongs to me and the story is mine.
The title of the series is a song by Peter Gabriel and Deep Forest. The
lyrics are from 'Life in Mono' by Mono. (both used without permission) R
(possibly NC-17)for M/M SEX, VIOLENCE, H/C, RAPE, BAD LANGUAGE, ANGST IF
YOU ARE UNDERAGE OR M/M SEX BOTHERS YOU: GO BACK, LEAVE NOW, WALK ON, BUG
OFF. Thank you kindly. WARNING: This story contains m/m sex and deals with
mature themes, rape being the major issue. It is very angsty, but
disturbing, so if my other stuff doesn't really turn your crank I sure as
hell won't be winning any brownie points with this one. Also, I don't like
to give stuff away, but if anyone is a Mono fan, let me warn you now, I
use the lyrics during a rape nightmare/flashback scene. Didn't do it to be
offensive, it's just what I was listening to at the time and it just
seemed to fall into place. Sequel to 'Detached'. Picks up directly where
that left off. Broken by Rae --------- Fraser awoke to the face of the
young woman doctor looking up at him. She was squatted beside his chair,
her hand resting on his knee. "Constable Fraser?" He sighed and sat up,
looking sheepish. "I'm sorry, I dozed off." She smiled understandingly.
"You've had a busy day." Phillips stood."Detective Kowalski is awake and
he has been asking for you. He's coherent now. There will be headaches and
stomach aches, mild discomforts compared to what he has been through." 

 "How long have you been friends?", she asked as they walked down the hall
to Ray's room. "Almost two years.", Ben said. "It's strange.", she
murmured. "I'm sorry?" "Well, there seems to be a particularly strong
sense of trust between you." She looked at him quickly. "Mind you, I don't
mean that as an insult. I envy you. I have my family, and friends I have
known all my life, and I don't--I can't place that amount of trust in
them." Phillips shook off the weight of that statement with a soft
chuckle. Then she said, "He thinks very highly of you." "I think the same
of him." The doctor smiled. "You love him.", she observed. Ben nodded.
"Very much. He's a brother to him." "That's good to hear. Too many people
who come in here are very much alone. They are abandoned, unloved. It's
difficult to care for them. They don't have a reason to live and so they
don't fight, they don't even try." When they reached the door, she rested
her hand on the knob for a moment. "He needs his rest. So, as far as
chatting goes, no more than an hour. I'm gonna bend the rules alittle bit
and let you stay with him, but, please don't discuss the case too much. I
don't want him getting upset. Agreed?" Fraser nodded. "As you wish."
Phillips smiled and opened the door. 

 Ray sighed, holding his head. "Shit, Ben. I feel sick.", he whimpered.
Ben stroked his hair gently. When he moved his hand back, Ray cringed. It
was an almost involuntary reaction, as if Kowalski expected Ben to hit
him. This reaction startled Fraser so that he froze. When Ray made no
comment, he let his hand fall back on the bed. "I know, Ray." The
detective sighed. "I want to go home.", he said, "I hate these hospital
beds." He licked his lips, fighting tears. "I don't even remember what a
real bed feels like. They just..kept me tied down. I couldn't move.
Couldn't...even move." "You'll be released soon. The doctors just want to
make sure that you don't suffer any more side effects." He nodded, smiling
at Ben nervously. The Mountie smiled back. There were tears standing in
Ray's eyes. "Will you stay with me?" Fraser nodded, putting his hand over
his partner's, this time ignoring the slight flinch the touch brought. "Of
course." Temporarily satisfied, Ray settled back into the bed and closed
his eyes. Fraser's smile faded as the blond gave in to sleep. He studied
the angelic face, the etheral quality sleep laid upon it. "What aren't you
telling me?", he whispered. 

 =======================================================================
Sarah came to see Ray the next morning. The detective was on his own,
since Fraser had gone to contact Welsh and Inspector Thatcher. As soon as
she entered the room, she flew at Kowalski, throwing her arms around his
neck. "Thank you, Ray. Thank you so much." Ray smiled and gently eased her
away. "How's your father?" "He's much better now." She cupped his face.
"Thanks to you." The detective put his hand over hers, blushing under her
adoring gaze. "It was nothing.", he mumbled. "So, what's your plan now?"
"I got a job, in Boston. So, I'm going to take Dad, Joey and Tristan
there. Start over." Ray smiled, still holding her hand. "Good. I hope it
works out for you." She grinned. "It will." Sarah leaned forward and
kissed him lightly on the lips. "Thanks." He smiled. As she turned to go,
he caught her hand. "Sarah, um, make sure they check your dad out." She
smiled, looking at him oddly. "They did, Ray." "No. I mean, like a full
physical. A full one." He was grasping her hand rather hard now and she
twisted slightly in his grip. "What are you talking about. Ray? You're
scaring me." Kowalski didn't seem to hear her. "Just make sure they
check...everything." She finally pulled free. "Um, sure. You take care,
Stan. I'll call you when we get to Boston, o.k.?" Sarah inched toward the
door. "Thanks again, for everything." 

 "So, what's the word?", Kowalski nibbled at his food as he spoke. The
crap brought back memories of the psych hospital and it was making him
feel sick. Welsh standing beside Ray's bed, his arms folded over his
chest. "The lab ran a test on the drugs they pulled out of you and the
other patients. Unindentified. We think they were using the patients in
some kind of test, experiment. Now this place was privately funded by a
Huntington Pollarandy. Known in the scientific comunity as a Dr.
Frankenstein of sorts. These guys are sadists. Like little boys who burn
ants with a magnifying glass. Sadists, pure and simple. You'll be expected
to testify in court. Can you do that?" From his place by the window,
Fraser watched as Ray pushed the plate away. It worried him that his
partner showed such little interest in food and it alarmed him that the
blond seemed to turn a shade of green when his meal was brought to him.
"Sir?" Welsh's eyes moved to Ben. "What, Constable?" "I think it would be
in Detective Vecchio's best interest to take some vacation time." Harding
looked at Kowalski. "Oh, he will be. He's being suspended." Ray's mouth
fell open. "Why?!" The lieutenant flushed red. "Why?! Why?! You want the
current reason or a list?!" Ben stood, coming between the two men. "Sir."
Welsh sighed. "Alright. Look, I want you to get some rest. Doc Phillips
says you're getting released today." Ray nodded. "Yeah." "Anyone going to
be at home with you?" Kowalski nodded again and gestured to the Mountie.
"Frase." "Good. Don't worry about this suspension. Purely for
appearances." He moved forward, glaring at the younger man. "But, consider
this your last warning. Do something like this again and you will find
yourself in the unemployment line. Understood?" Ray swallowed nervously.
"Yes, sir." 

 As soon as Ray entered his apartment, he fell onto the couch with a happy
cry and hugged the throw pillows. He breathed in deeply, the scent of
home. Between paper work and other annoying formalities, they hadn't
gotten out of the hospital until 9:50 pm. Both men were physically
exhausted. Fraser put down his partner's duffle bag and slipped out of his
tunic. He smiled as he watched Ray roll around joyfully on the couch.
Kowalski fixed on his partner with a broad grin. "Feels so good to be
home, Frase." Ben nodded as he hung his tunic. "I can imagine." The
detective sighed happily. "Thanks for stayin' with me." The Mountie took a
seat beside him. "It's my pleasure, Ray." The blond sat back and yawned.
"Feels good to be home.", he mumbled again. Ben studied him for a moment
and then reached out and stroked Ray's cheek. It was an unconscious
gesture, something he'd done many times before to help him relax. Stan
smiled slightly, but then pulled away and quickly stood up. "Well, I am
beat.", he said. "Gonna head to bed. My own bed." Fraser nodded. "That
sounds like a good idea." "You gonna be o.k. on the couch, Frase?" "Yes.
Thank you." 

 Ben lay awake, listening to Ray get ready for bed. He closed his eyes as
he heard Ray exit the bathroom and come back into the living. He stopped
for a moment, as if to make sure his partner was asleep and then went into
the kitchen. Ben heard the cabinet open, heard the placement of a glass
bottle on the counter, a cap coming off and liquid being poured. Ray
swallowed and then groaned softly. There were footsteps, moving back to
Kowalski's bedroom. Ben lay still on the couch for awhile, but then seeing
that Ray's light still hadn't gone out, he got up and went to the room. 

 The blond was sitting on the couch, tilting his head from side to side.
"Ray?" Stan looked up in surprise. "Hey. Thought you were asleep." Ben
shook his head. "What's wrong?" "Nothin'. Just, my neck's alittle stiff.",
he mumbled. Ben sat down beside his partner. "Turn around." Ray looked at
him suspiciously. "Why?" "Ray...Trust me." Kowalski nodded and turned
around, sitting cross-legged on bed. Fraser laid his hands on the base of
the smaller man's neck. He felt Ray tense, but ignored the reaction as he
had in the hospital. He applied a small amount of pressure and massaged
the detective's knotted muscle. Ray closed his eyes and purred. "That
feels good, Frase." Ben smiled. "Ray, would you like me to stay with
you?", he asked gently. "In your room?" Kowalski looked at him with a
mixture of annoyance and amusement. "I'm not a baby.", he said
indignantly. Despite himself, Fraser laughed. Ray reminded him so much of
a small boy sometimes. He dropped his hands into his lap. "I know. I just
want to make sure that you'll be o.k." "I am good." The Mountie nodded and
stood. "Uh, Frase?" His friend's voice stopped him in the doorway. "Yes?"
"Would it bother you if the CD player was on?" "Of course not." "'kay.
That's good. So would you mind putting it on for me. Um, CD 4." "What song
would you like, Ray?" "Um, track 3. Please." Fraser smiled. "As you wish."
"Thanks." "Good night, Ray." "Night." 

 Ray sighed deeply and closed his eyes. He cuddled into the blankets and
as the first strains of 'Life in Mono' drifted into the bedroom, he
drifted into sleep. 

 *The stranger sang a theme, From someone else's dream..* Hospital.
Hallway. Big men. Someone was grabbing his arms. *...leaves began to
fall...* They were dragging him, his feet sliding over the cool floor.
*...And no-one spoke at all....* Door kicked open. He was thrown forward.
Striking tile. His elbow went numb with pain. *....seem to recall, When
you came along...* Ray rolled over on his belly, in time to see the two
big men moving toward him. He tries to get up. A hand on his throat forces
him down. Can't move, can't see anything except the sickly white ceiling
above him. *...Ingenue, I just don't know what to do...* Hands on his
boxers, yanking them down. *...tree-lined avenue...* He's flipped over,
forced down on his belly. *...Begins to fade from view...* Tile is like
ice against his naked flesh. *...Drowning past regrets...* Strong hands
forcing his legs apart. *..In tea and cigerettes..* He tries to move, but
fingers curl tight into his hair, pushing his face down into the floor.
*..But I can't seem to forget, When you came along...* He feels the weight
of a body come down on him and for the first time, he opened his mouth
to.... 

 SCREAM! Ben lept off the couch and scrambled into bedroom. Ray was on the
floor, huddled in a corner, tangled in a mess of blankets, eyes screwed
shut, mouth wide open in a ceaseless cry. He fell to his knees beside his
friend and grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders. "Ray! Ray!" Kowalski
shook violently, throwing his head to the side, so it struck the wall
hard. Ben quickly moved to cup the detective's head as he had in the
shower room. "Ray!" Eyes flew open, murky green eyes looking with horror
into Ben's ice blues. "Ray?", Fraser cupped his face. "Talk, please."
Ray's eyes fluttered and he licked his lips. "Frase." He clasped the
Mountie's arm, then patted it, as if to make sure he was not a
hallucination."Frase." "You had a nightmare." Ben stood, gently pulling
Kowalski up with him. Unsteady on his feet, Stan leaned against him
heavily. Fraser sat Ray on the bed and then went about gathering and
untangling the blankets. "Do you want to tell me about it?" Ray just
looked at him. Ben reached out and took his partner's hand, but Kowalski
pulled away, moving half way across the bed to get away from the Mountie.
"Ray.." "Please! Please don't touch me, Ben.", he snapped. Fraser sighed.
"What happened to you in that hospital?" Ray made no reply. Instead, he
lay down, curling up and hugging the pillow to his body. Ben sighed and
pulled the covers over his partner. "You're safe.", he murmured. 

 =============================================== Ray awoke to find the
Mountie sitting in an chair beside the bed. "Hey, Frase. Thanks for
stickin' with me." Ben stared at him steadily. "What aren't you telling
me, Ray?" Kowalski's eyes narrowed. "What?" "What aren't you telling me?"
The detective crawled out of bed, stretching his muscles. "What are you
talking about?" "There was something else. Besides the beatings and the
showers and the drugs. You're keeping something from me." Ray scrowled,
picking up the sheets and starting to fold them. A very un-Ray-like habit.
"I told you everything. Back off, Frase, you sound like a nagging wife."
Fraser's lips pursed tightly and he crossed his arms over his chest. "I
will ask you one more time. What aren't you telling me?" "What the hell is
wrong with you?!", Kowalski snapped, throwing the unmade sheets back on
the bed. "This is not you. I have seen you beaten and tortured before.
This is not you, you do not react like this." "How the hell would you
know?! Have you ever been tied down a bed, pumped full of drugs, smacked
around. Helpless?! How do you know, how I would react?!" "You're safe now.
They can't hurt you anymore." "I know that!" "Then why are you still
afraid?! I can still see fear in your eyes. And I can hear it in your
voice. What else did they do to you?! Why are you still afraid?!" 

 Ray refused to leave the apartment. He started out with a glass of scotch
along with breakfast and was somewhat tipsy by the time he'd settled on
the couch to watch Divorce Court. He and Fraser had barely exchanged a
word since the shouting match earlier in the morning. Ben said nothing
about his drinking. When Fraser came out of the shower, Kowalski was
passed out on the couch. His long arms were wrapped around Dief and his
head pillowed in the wolf's soft fur. The Mountie needed air. The
apartment was terribly stuffy, still dark (Ray had nearly screamed when he
tried to open the windows) and it stank of liquior. Fraser put on his
jacket and looked at the wolf who was watching over his sleeping partner.
"Take care of him, Dief.", he said and headed out alone. 

 He walked for hours, just walked. What was Ray hiding? Why? Did he not
trust Ben? The Mountie turned these questions over and over in his mind.
He made the decision to talk to Welsh. Perhaps the lieutenant could talk
to the younger man, coax the answers from him. 

 Welsh was elbow deep in paperwork and screaming at damn near everyone who
passed when Fraser came in. Surprisingly, his demeanor changed at the
sight of the Mountie. "Constable! In my office." Fraser followed him in
and closed the door as Welsh settled behind his desk. "Have a seat." Ben
nodded and did as he was asked. "Thank you, sir." The lieutenant sat back.
"How's Vecchio?" Fraser sighed, trying got choose his words carefully.
"I'm concerned for him, sir. I think he think he might be hiding something
about what happened while he was in the psych ward." Harding frowned.
"Why?" "I not sure. Shame maybe. Fear." "Kowalski's a good cop.
Hot-headed. I figured 'fear' wasn't part of his vocabulary. If there was
anything else, I'm sure he'd tell us.", he replied in a tone that brushed
off much concern. Ben stood, sighing. "I have to get back to the
apartment.", he said curtly. Welsh started to speak, but the Mountie
walked out before he could get a word in. The lieutenant stared at the
closed door in confusion. Something was definitely going on. Fraser was
genuinely concerned for Kowalski, but if Ray wasn't talking, there was
something Ben wasn't saying either. 

 Ray was drinking again when Ben got back to the apartment. He was sitting
back in the cushions, peeling the label off a bottle of Johnny Walker that
rested on his belly. Diefenbaker was in a corner, pouting miserably, no
doubt annoyed by his packmate's new hobby. "Ray.", Ben said gently, taking
the bottle from the blond's unresisting hands. "Hungry.", the detective
muttered. Ben nodded. "Alright. I can fix something. What would you like
to eat?" "Dunno. Um, pizza. Can we order pizza, Frase?" Words were
slightly slurred. Ben looked into his partner's bloodshot eyes. It seemed
that Kowalski was there in body only. His mind was elsewhere, still lost
in an alcoholic haze. "As you wish, Ray." The blond smiled and lay back on
the couch. "Thanks, Benny." *Benny.* The real Ray Vecchio had always
called him Benny. This Ray never called him Benny. 

 Ben ate only two slices of pizza and Ray gobbled the rest. They didn't
say a word during dinner. Not a word. The Mountie studied every change in
facial expression and slightly shaky gesture. *What happened to you?* The
silence was an incredible gulf, a void between them. He knew his
relationship with the detective was on thin ice and the cracks were
already beginning to show. 

 There was no sleep for Fraser that night. He lay awake, listening to
Ray's labored breathing, listened to the bed creak. In the darkness and
silence of the apartment, Ben cried softly. Cried for himself and for his
partner. Logic and reason had always been the nucleus of his life. He
depended upon all things to make sense, to be able to label and organize
things equally. But *this* did not make sense. What was happening to Ray
did not make sense. 

 He was on the verge of sleep when he heard the harsh slap of footsteps on
the floor and the bathroom door being yanked open. Slipping off the couch,
he went to his partner. Ray was hunched over the sink, splashing water
over his face. Ben leaned on the doorframe. "Are you alright?" Ray turned,
startled, eyes wide with fear. "Oh," He laughed nervously. "yeah. Just,
um, warm--uh, hot. Need to have the air conditioning checked." He
swallowed slowly, adam's apple jumping in his throat. "Actually it's quite
chilly in your apartment, Ray." Kowalski couldn't meet his friend's eyes.
"Well, it's, um, probably, um, just my room then." Fraser stepped forward
and lay his hand on his partner's glistening chest. Ray flinched at the
touch. Despite the sweat and bright pink flush, he was surprisingly cold.
"Come to the bedroom." The detective eyed him with suspicion. "Why?" Ben
sighed. "Ray, you are freezing, you'll catch a chill." Kowalski pushed
past him. "I'm good.", he mumbled, walking unsteadily into the living
room. "Where are you going?" "Get somethin' to eat. Hungry.", came the
reply. 

 Despite having eaten a large meal less than three hours ago, Kowalski was
ravenous. Ben sat across the table and watched his friend devour cold
leftovers with the zeal of a starving man. When he was finished, he went
back to bed. Nothing spoken. No words. 

 ======================================================================
Ben left before Ray awoke. He wrote his friend a note, explaining that he
had guard duty and left the detective in the care of Diefenbaker. Before
he departed, however, he removed all the liquior from the cabinet and
emptied the contents into the sink. Then he dumped the bottles into a bag
and took them down to the recycling bin. 

 Fraser was standing outside the Consulate, when Ray pulled up to the
curb. He was pleased to see him, but somewhat surprised, since his partner
knew well that this was him time for guard duty. Ray got out of the car
and leaned against it, watching a pudgy young boy who had been taunting
the Mountie for the past hour. "Na, na! You're not so tough without your
wolf." A slow, icy smile spread across Kowalski's lips. "Hey, kid!" The
boy turned around. Ray gestured to the GTO as he slipped his sunglasses
off. "The wolf is in the car and he's hungry. Now beat it before you
become the appetizer." The boy's eyes grew wide and he took off in a
ridiculous half run, half leap. "Putting up with little rats like that
part of your job description, Frase?", Ray asked, as he approached his
friend. Despite himself, a small smile pulled at the corners of the
Mountie's lips. Kowalski caught this and grinned back. But it vanished
quickly. He looked down, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Gotta
tell ya something, Buddy. That's why I'm here." He sucked in a
breath."Look, this isn't easy for me, so I kinda chose this particular
time because, um, all you can do is listen. Cause--cause, Fraser, I don't
want to talk about this. But you're my partner and I-I owe you an
explanation." A shaky sigh and slipped his sunglasses back on. "O.k. Um,
I've been acting like an asshole lately and I'm sorry. You were right when
you said I wasn't telling you everything that happened while I was
undercover. There was something I left out. But, it's not something--it's
just not--it's something..." He sighed, taking a step closer to the
Mountie and lowering his voice. "Some bad stuff went on in there. The
drugs, the beatings, the cold showers. But there was something else, uh, I
left out. I mean, I went through all the other stuff, too. They pumped me
full of those drugs and slapped me around and all that, but, um...But
they, the orderlies, sometimes they raped me, too. And the nurse, she
would just stand there and watch." Fraser gritted his teeth, jaw
tightening. It took every ounce of restraint not to grab Ray and shake
him. *Raped?!* 

 Ray went to the park with Dief and returned to his apartment in the early
evening hours. He opened the door and was not surprised, but not happy to
find his partner standing rigid in the living room, Stetson in hand.
"Ben." "We have to talk, Ray." He closed the door and walked past the
Mountie. "Ain't got nothing to talk about, Frase." He was slipping out of
his jacket as he walked by and Ben reached out to catch him. At the gentle
tug, Ray whirled around, wrenching free of him and stumbling back, fear in
his eyes. "Do not touch me!", he snapped, trying quickly to gather the
pieces of his shattered composure. Fraser looked at him sadly. "How many
times, Ray?", he whispered. Stan pulled off his jacket and slung it over
the couch. "Not talkin' about it.", he replied. "Ray, I am begging you.
Please talk to me." Kowalski head fell back. "You don't--You have no idea
what it's like. I know..I know how women feel...now. I..can't come clean.
I feel them inside me all the time." He looked at the Mountie. "The nurse
was a freak. She'd watch and laugh. The more...vicious they were, she
enjoyed it." He ran his hand over his chest as if trying to remove some
unseen dirt. "When you're in school, high school, there's always that kid
in gym, that everyone picks on. You know? L-laugh at him, do mean little
things, basically humilitate him. I-in the back of your head, you know,
you know it's such a horrible thing to do, 'cause this kid is little and
he c-can't even defend himself. But you do it, 'cause you're just glad
it's not you. I-I know, I understand how that kid felt. What his
humiliation must have been. To--People are hurting you and everyone else
just watches and laughs." Tears glistened in Kowalski's eyes. "Guess what
goes around, comes around, huh?" Ben closed his eyes as his own tears
fell. "No one deserves this, Ray." He looked at his friend pleadingly.
"Let me help you." Kowalski shook his head. "Too late, Frase." 

 Fraser stood in the doorway of Ray's bedroom for a full five hours and
watched his friend's fitful sleep. The blond tossed and twisted his
sheets, but he did not wake. Throughout his sleep he whimpered and
sometimes cried, but Fraser did not go to him. He feared it would further
alarm Ray and he feared the temper that would flare if Kowalski awoke and
found him there. He saw his partner as he has been in the shower: naked,
weak, trembling. Like an infant just out of the womb, having known safety
and warmth for so long and then suddenly thrown into a place of fear and
hate. And Ben was filled with guilt. He was watching his best friend waste
away, body, mind and soul, and he was helpless to stop it. 

 ==================================================================== He
left the apartment before Kowalski awoke and went to see Doctor Phillips.
She was busy, but she sacrificed her break to take some time out to talk
to the Mountie. They sat down in the doctors' lounge with two cups of
stale coffee. "So, how is Detective Vecchio?", she asked. Ben sighed,
deciding to get directly to the point. "Yesterday he confessed to me that
while he was in the psych hospital he had been repeatedly raped."
Phillip's eyes narrowed. "Raped?" "Yes." She closed her eyes and put her
hands over her face. "Oh, God. I didn't even--I didn't--I didn't think to
check for that. I-" "How were you to know? He didn't tell me until now."
"You're missing the point, Ben. I was his doctor. I should have known. His
behavior was too erratic, nervous. I should have known there something
else." She turned to him."Where is he now?" "His apartment. He refuses to
talk about it, refuses to give a statement." Ben looked to her helplessly.
"Is there anything you can do? Force his hand even." Phillips sighed. "I
wish there was. It's a long time after the fact. No more evidence. Most of
the patients are honestly mentally ill. The others aren't talking." She
ran her fingers through her hair. "What kind of person can do this to
another human being? Sick bastards." She finally looked up at him. "Rape
is hard for women. I've dealt with enough cases to know that emotional
scarring can be there for years, even with theraphy. For men...they have
this macho notion that they are immune to that kind of thing. And that
only makes it harder when it happens. The healing process is drastically
slowed. First they have to accept that it happened to them. That's the
hardest obstacle to get over." She licked her lips. "Can you bring him
here? Let me talk to him." Fraser shook his head. "He may not agree to
that." Phillips took hold of his arm. "You have to try." The Mountie
nodded. "I'll do whatever it takes." She smiled. "Good." 

 "No." It was the first word out of Kowalski's mouth when Ben mentioned
the meeting with Phillips. "Ray, you need to see someone. This is
unhealthy." The blond shook his head, gesturing to the Consulate door.
"Look, I'm gonna shoot some pool. Are you gonna come or not?", he asked,
changing the subject. "Ray..." The detective twirled his keys around his
finger. "C'mon. I'm not gonna wait around all day for your slow ass."
"Ray..." "I can get tickets to the Devils/Stars game. You feel like
going?" Ben slammed the files down on the desk so violently, that Kowalski
backed away in surprise. "What is your problem?!", he demanded. "You!",
Fraser snapped. "You are my problem, Ray! I cannot help you, if you don't
let me!" "I don't want your help, Ben! I want you to leave me alone!"
"Why?! So you can ruin your life! Hard drinking is not going to make your
problems go away!" "Does for awhile. Works for me.", he replied with that
patented lopsided grin. The Mountie was the color of his uniform. "You are
being unreasonable!" "You can go to hell. I don't need you! I won't be
your fucking responsibility!", Stan growled. Fraser fixed on him with a
stony glare. "You have always been and will always be my responsibility,
Ray.", he replied coldly. He regretted these words as soon as they left
his lips. The change in Ray's eyes, the bright jade of anger, fading to
the pale green of sorrow and crushing pain. He sighed softly. "Ray.."
Kowalski backed away, his hand out in front of him. "Bye, Frase." He
turned and sprinted out of the Consulate. Ben put his hands on his desk
and bowed his head. He couldn't go after him, not now. *God, what have I
done?* He swallowed. "I am a cold-hearted bastard, Dief.", he muttered.
The wolf raised his head and whined his disagreement with that statement. 

 Ray wasn't sure how long he sat at the bar. Didn't matter. He didn't want
to go home. Sure as hell didn't want to go back to the Consulate.
Normally, he would just get drunk and get laid. Well, he'd already passed
the drunk stage, but..... Ugh. The thought of sex made him nauseous. He
looked around at the women in the bar, tried to imagine being with
them...and the idea sickened him. Geez. Well, nothin' left to do but drink
some more. 

 As he downed another vodka sour, a man took a seat beside him at the bar.
"Problems, friend?" Ray looked up. His vision was slightly blurred. The
man was stocky and had a rather fat, pig-like face. Kowalski shrugged.
"The usual.", he muttered. Didn't feel like talking. The man ordered a
club soda. "Well, drinkin' won't solve your problems, son.", he replied.
He had a strong accent, Southern, perhaps? Virginia? Kansas? "You sound
like a friend of mine-" *Wait, why am I talking to this guy?* "How the
hell are you?", the detective mumbled. "Dominic Rosdale.", he responded.
"Well, Dom, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up." The man seemed alittle
surprised. "Sorry, son. Not in my nature-" "I am NOT your son." "It's not
in my nature to leave a man wallowing in self-pity. Besides, it does say
somewhere in the Bible that drinking is a sin, don't it?" "Oh, Christ.",
Ray groaned, "Yer one of those guys. Look, I just want to get drunk in
peace. So take yer Bible thumping somewhere else." The man cleared his
throat, as if struggling to not get angry. "Why don't you talk? Get some
of what's bothering you out in the open?" For reasons he would never
understand, Ray began to cough some little details about his fractured
life. Mostly about Stella and very little else. Dominic listened without
interruption or correction and for that Kowalski was grateful. He began to
say something about the hospital and then quickly shut up. He ordered
another vodka sour. "What about this friend of yours?", Rosdale asked.
"Fras--Ben. I'm, um, his partner. And we've been through alot together.
But, um, he sees me as more of a responsibility than a friend, you know?
'Cause he always has to get me out of trouble. I don't like that feeling.
I don't wanna be his responsibility." "I understand." Ray was comforted by
this man's voice and by the fact tha Rosdale had not passed judgement on
him. "I have this nice place not too far from here. It's in the country,
kind of. And I have something that might be able to help you." Ray looked
at him. The alcohol had severed any chords with good judgement. Didn't
want to go home and so he accepted Rosdale's invitation. 

 This 'nice place' was not really in the country, but on the edge of the
city. And it was more like a fortified compound. There were at least
thirty people living here. Modestly, on mattresses lined side by side. Ray
was horrified by them at first sight. They reminded him of the people in
the psych hospital. These people were like zombies too, staring at him
through barely comprehending foggy eyes. "Who are these guys?", Ray
whispered to Dom. "My children.", the other man replied. *Children?* He
took Ray into a room at the end of the hall and shut the door. Two large
men who had flanked them this far, now stood at the door. "Bodyguards.",
the stocky man told Kowalski, as if this was supposed to reassure him.
"What did you mean before? About the people out there being your
children?" Rosdale appeared to be searching for something. "Well, I'll
explain that later. Ah!" He turned, holding two red gel tabs in his hand.
He held them out to Ray in offering. Kowalski stared at him. "Drugs?" "No.
Of course not, Detective. It is a form of medication. It...aids in ridding
the mind of bad memories." Ray began to say no, to push the pills back,
but then a blanket of desolation covered him and he realized....it didn't
matter anymore. Whatever happened to him was irrelvent. So, with a
lop-sided grin, he swallowed the gel tabs. 

 Whatever they were they worked like downers...or morphine, Mixed with the
alcohol they packed an even greater punch. He was on the bed, everything
hazy and confused. The room was moving in waves...side to side. Really
weird. Ray was aware of a weight beside him. Rosdale. And then an arm laid
across his chest, kisses showered on the side of his neck. No. There was
something very wrong with this. Dominic moved forward slowly, his hand
sliding into Ray's pants. Kowalski groaned softly, pushing at his chest.
"Stop." Fingers brushed against sensitive flesh. "Stop, Dom. Stop."
Rosdale didn't seem to hear him. He just pushed Ray down on the bed,
rubbing against him. The detective shoved him as hard as he could, but it
didn't seem to be having an effect. "Get off me!", he snapped, panicking
now. Dom pushed his boxers down, panted into Ray's ear as he thrust
against him. "Stop it!", Kowalski sobbed. In his mind, he was back in that
godforsaken psych ward, shoved hard against freezing tile and violated.
Over and over. Powerless, helpless. Suddenly mustering strength into his
limbs, Ray managed to throw Dom from the bed. "You dirty fuck!" Kowalski
stood on wobbly legs and dressed himself. "We frown on hostility here,
detective." Ray was still feeling dizzy and he clutched the side of the
bed for support. "I'll...have you hauled in....on c-charges." He thought
he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but then another wave
of...oh, shit. No more....equlibrium....up......down.....who the fuck
knows anymore? Fraser......wha....where the hell.....are
ya.........Buddy.....please.....help. He felt...what was it? Someone
struck him in the back of the head? The floor came rushing up to meet him
and the world collapsed into darkness. Continued in Fall in the Light