Due North	Due North by Iris Gray

 Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html

  

 <PRE> 

 Due North 

 

 Benton Fraser walked quickly from the Post Office toward the small house
he shared with his lover, Ray Kowalski. They'd lived here in the Yukon
since abandoning their quest for the Franklin expedition. Realizing that
their mutual savings would not last long, Fraser had applied for a new
posting with the RCMP. Ray hadn't decided what he was going to do yet, but
he needed to apply for Landed Immigrant status before he could legally
work in Canada. 

 Fraser had picked up a registered letter from the RCMP informing him that
his posting in Whitehorse had been approved. While he'd been in town Ben
had picked up immigration papers for Ray to fill out. He was looking
forward to telling Ray that his posting in Whitehorse had been approved. 

 When he arrived at their home, however, Ray looked troubled. "Fraser, we
need to talk," he announced. 

 "Certainly, Ray. About what?" asked Ben. 

 As if trying to postpone what he had to say, Ray indicated the envelope
in Fraser's hand. "That from the RCMP? You got the job in Whitehorse?" he
asked. 

 "Yes, my posting has been approved. I start in two weeks. Oh, and I
picked up an application for landed immigrant status for you at the
Government Agent's office." 

 "Fraser, I'm not staying with you. I'm going back to Chicago," Ray
announced. "I'm taking my old job back ... my old life back." 

 Somewhere in the back of his mind Fraser noticed that Ray was calling him
"Fraser" and not using his first name, "Ben", the way he'd been doing for
months. 

 "Ray - why?" 

 "I don't belong here, Fraser," was Ray's answer. "This is where you live,
where you belong. There isn't a place for me here." 

 "But you do have a place. A place with me. We're partners." 

 "No, we ain't partners. We were partners in Chicago, not here." 

 "Ray, whatever is wrong, can't we talk about it?" Ben pleaded. "I love
you, Ray." 

 Ray looked at the floor. "There's nothing to talk about," he said softly.
"I've made my decision. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I'll - I'll sleep on
the couch tonight." 

 "You don't have to do that." Ben wanted desperately to be close to his
lover - ex-lover? - if only for one last night. 

 "Yes I do, Fraser. I can't sleep with you, not anymore. I can't be with
you the way you want me to." 

 "Ray, even if you don't want us to be lovers anymore, that doesn't mean
you have to leave. We can get a two-bedroom apartment in Whitehorse. I
won't try to push you ... please, stay with me and let's try to work this
out." 

 "I can't, Fraser. I'm sorry ... it just isn't going to work between us." 

 "I love you, Ray." 

 "I know you do. I'm sorry," said Ray with a sigh. 

 "What are you sorry for?" Fraser wanted to know. "Are you saying you're
sorry for not loving me?" 

 Ray couldn't meet his partner's gaze. "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm
saying." 

 The Mountie didn't say anything more. He turned, went into the bedroom
that he had shared with Ray the last few months, and slammed the door
behind him. Ray sat on the couch and wept. 

 The next morning arrived, just as dark as it had been the night before,
since it was the middle of winter. Ray stood in the doorway with his few
possessions in a bag, waiting for the taxi he'd called to take him to the
airport. He hated hurting Fraser but he had to do this, had to leave while
he had no obligations such as a job, citizenship, etc. Fraser would be
better off without him in the long run, and eventually he would realize
that. Non-discrimination laws notwithstanding, Ray was certain that the
Mounties in Whitehorse would find it hard to accept that their new
constable had a male lover. Sooner or later, Fraser wouldn't want him
around. Rather than wait for that to happen, Ray would leave now. 

 He had hoped to escape quietly, before Fraser woke up, but he hadn't
counted on Super Mountie Hearing. Then again, it was entirely possible
Fraser hadn't slept last night. God knew Ray hadn't had any sleep. Ben
just stood and looked at him, not saying anything. Ray wanted nothing more
than to throw himself into the other man's arms, say that he loved him,
promise to stay for as long as Fraser wanted him to. But the longer he
stayed, the harder it would be to leave once the time came. And it would
come, Ray was sure of it. 

 Fraser was wearing his stoic look. The walls were back up. Fraser had
walls that he showed the world but he normally took them down when he was
with Ray. 

 "Goodbye, Fraser," Ray finally said. There was a whimper at his side from
Diefenbaker. Ray knelt and hugged the wolf. "Look after him, Dief." 

 Ben finally spoke. "Would you let me know that you have arrived safely?"
he asked. 

 "Okay, sure, I'll, uh, I'll call you." His taxi arrived, and he was gone.


 On one of the numerous stopovers before he reached Chicago, Ray called
Lt. Welsh to let him know he was coming back, and asked if there might be
a job open for him. It turned out that Ray Vecchio had taken his pension
for being wounded in the line of duty and moved to Florida. With Stella,
Ray Kowalski's ex-wife. So if he wanted his old job back, it was his. 

 Stella had gone to Florida with Vecchio. Ray was a bit surprised to
realize that he wasn't jealous. But really, he had no reason to be. Any
feelings he had left about Stella had dissolved the first time he had made
love with Benton Fraser. 

 Fraser. He would NOT think about Fraser. It would be hard enough being in
Chicago, seeing the places they had gone together. He had said he would
call Fraser when he arrived. Well, maybe that could wait till he was at
the precinct. With so many people around, there was less of a chance he
would break down. 

 Luckily, his mother had aired out his apartment and changed the sheets on
his bed. After he'd slept for about eighteen hours, Ray walked in to the
precinct. Not a lot had changed. Huey and Dewey weren't around -
apparently they had opened their own comedy club. Frannie was still there,
though, and was the first to greet him. "Ray! What are you doing here?
Where's Fraser?" 

 "I work here, Frannie. Fraser's still in the Yukon, where he belongs.
Matter of fact, would you do me a favour? Call him at this number." He
wrote down Fraser's phone number on a slip of paper from Frannie's desk.
"Make sure it isn't the middle of the night or anything, though. The Yukon
is a few hours behind us." 

 "What do you want me to call him for?" asked Francesca, puzzled. 

 "Tell him - tell him I got here safely, that I'm still in one piece." 

 "Why can't you tell him that yourself?" 

 "I got stuff to do. Gotta talk to the Lieutenant." God, he'd almost
pronounced it 'lef-tenant,' the way Fraser always did. And he headed to
Welsh's office. 

 Francesca looked up the proper area code and figured out the time
difference, then dialled the number Ray had given her. 

 "Benton Fraser," said the voice at the other end of the line. 

 "Hi, Fraser, it's Francesca." 

 "Francesca? Is something wrong?" asked Fraser worriedly. 

 "No, nothing's wrong, unless you count Ray here acting like he has a bug
up his butt, or my brother taking off to Florida with Stella Kowalski." 

 "Ray Kowalski is there?" 

 "Yeah, he asked me to call you and tell you he made it here in one piece.
Said he doesn't have time to call you himself, he has important stuff to
talk to the Lieutenant about or something." 

 "I see. Well, thank you for calling, Francesca," said Fraser. 

 "Hey, Fraser, do you want my brother's phone number in Florida? I'm sure
he'd be really happy to hear from you." 

 "Why yes, Francesca, I would like that." 

 Frannie read off her brother's phone number and address, then suddenly
asked, "Fraser, are you okay?" 

 "I'm fine, why do ask?" 

 "Oh, I don't know, I guess I was just surprised to see Ray back here
without you," she replied. "It's been a long time since I've seen you. I'm
glad you're doing okay." 

 Francesca hung up the phone. She was quite certain she would never
understand men. Something had happened between Benton Fraser and Ray
Kowalski but she had no idea what it could have been. 

 After he hung up, Fraser stared at the phone. So Ray didn't want to talk
to him. He didn't know what he had been expecting. He sighed. He had to
put Ray Kowalski out of his life. He wouldn't let anyone get that close to
him ever again. He would not trust anyone. 

 Still, there was one person that he still trusted. Picking up the phone
again, he dialled Ray Vecchio's number. 

 "Hi, Benny!" exclaimed Vecchio when he heard his friend's voice. 

 "How are you, Ray?" asked Ben. 

 "I'm great, Benny. Stella and I are running a bowling alley now. Things
are good. How are you?" 

 "I'm .. I'm not doing so well, Ray." 

 "Talk to me, Benny," Vecchio ordered. And Ben did, telling Ray the entire
story of his relationship with Ray Kowalski. 

 A few weeks later, Ray Kowalski was standing talking to Francesca at her
desk when her phone rang. As she spoke to the person on the other end, Ray
saw her expression change. "What's up, Frannie?" he asked when she put the
phone down. 

 "It's my ma. She's in the hospital. They think she had a heart attack.
That was Maria on the phone." 

 Ray grabbed his jacket. "C'mon, I'll drive. Which hospital is it?" 

 "I .. I have to call my brother first," Frannie stammered. 

 "Okay, I'll meet you at my car," said Ray. 

 Mrs Vecchio had indeed suffered a mild heart attack, but she was stable.
Ray asked if he and Francesca could see her. "Are you family?" the doctor
inquired. 

 "I'm her daughter. He's my brother," she added, referring to Ray. 

 The doctor allowed Ray and Frannie to see 'their' mother. Mrs Vecchio was
delighted to see Ray Kowalski. "Stanley!" she exclaimed, calling him by
his rarely-used first name. "How nice to see you!" 

 Francesca kissed her mother. "Are you feeling okay, Ma?" she asked. 

 "I'm fine. I don't know why these doctors are making such a fuss," the
Vecchio matriarch answered. 

 "Ma, you had a heart attack! I think that's a good reason to make a
fuss!" cried Frannie. 

 "Bah. A little jump, that is all it was." 

 "I can see where your family gets its stubbornness, Frannie," commented
Ray. 

 "She's the queen of stubborn," grumbled Frannie. 

 They weren't allowed to stay long, but seeing her mother in relatively
good condition made Francesca feel better. Ray was relieved too. He'd
pretended to be a Vecchio for more than a year and they still made him
feel like part of their family. 

 The next day when he arrived to visit Mrs Vecchio, he discovered the
"real" Ray Vecchio was there. He was about to excuse himself when Vecchio
addressed him. "Kowalski, can I talk to you for a minute? In private?" 

 Ray Kowalski shrugged and followed Ray Vecchio to a small private waiting
room. 

 "Okay, Stanley," said Ray Vecchio. "Tell me what you did to Benny." 

 "I didn't do anything to Fraser," replied Ray Kowalski. "Things weren't
going to work out between us so I left." 

 "Well, according to him, that's not how it happened. He said it came out
of nowhere. How could you hurt him like that?" Vecchio was angry. He cared
a lot about Benny and had hated to hear the pain in his voice the last
time they had talked. 

 "I didn't want to hurt him. I left before it would hurt even more," said
Kowalski. 

 "Stanley, Benny loves you. He *loves* you. And you just up and left him.
Why did you do that?" 

 "Why did *you* leave him, Vecchio?" asked Kowalski. 

 Ray was completely caught off guard by this question. "What are you
talking about?" he demanded. 

 "I'm talking about Fraser," answered Ray Kowalski. "You're talking about
me leaving him all of a sudden without any warning. Well, you did the same
thing. You just disappeared without saying a word to him, except for some
vague thing about not picking him up at the train station. Do you know how
lost, how abandoned he felt when you left?" 

 "You're changing the subject," muttered the Italian. 

 "The subject is Fraser, ain't it?" 

 "The subject is you and Fraser, not me and Fraser," said Vecchio. 

 "Okay. Me an' Fraser. To tell you the truth, I left Fraser because I was
scared." 

 Ray Vecchio looked confused. "You have citations for bravery, Kowalski." 

 "Oh sure, if it's just my body I'm risking that's cool, I can do that.
But risking my heart? I did that once before, and I got burned. So when
Fraser started talking about commitments, about me becoming a permanent
resident in Canada, staying there with him permanently, I ran. All i could
think of was what would happen if things didn't work out the way we hoped
they would. Fraser's the only person I know in the entire country,
practically. I figured if I was going to have to live without him, I may
as well do it here, but that meant I had to leave before I gave up my
American citizenship." He paused. "I ain't saying it makes sense, but
...those are my reasons. Being with Fraser was the best thing that ever
happened to me. And look what I did to him." 

 "Kowalski," said Ray Vecchio, "I think you need to tell all that to
Benny." 

 "What about you?" Kowalski asked. 

 "What about me?" 

 "Did you ever tell him why you left without saying anything?" 

 Ray Vecchio hung his head. "No. Everything happened so fast with Muldoon
and Bolt and the nerve gas. I got shot, and you and Benny went up north
... and I went south." 

 "With Stella," added Kowalski. 

 "Yeah, with Stella." 

 "So why did you do it, Vecchio?" 

 "Well, in a strange way, I guess you could say it was because of Benny." 

 "Huh? You lost me." 

 "Before I met Benny, I was burned out," Vecchio explained. "I was just
marking time until I could draw my pension. And then this crazy Mountie
shows up one day, and at first he's just looking for the guy that killed
his dad. But then it turns out he's on some sort of one-Mountie crusade to
save the world from bad guys. He reminded me of why I became a cop in the
first place." He took a breath and let it out in a sigh. "My old man hated
cops. He hated cops because of the mob. Everyone in my old neighborhood
knew about the Zukos, but no one ever said anything. The cops couldn't -
or wouldn't - do anything about it. When I became a cop I told myself that
I would do anything I could to fight the mob. I forgot about that for
awhile, until Frankie Zuko started acting up. He hurt Fraser. He killed
Louis Gardino, okay, not directly, but he was involved. And Irene got
killed too." Ray swallowed hard. "I couldn't stop him. So when the Feds
told me about Armande Lagostini and offered me the chance to go undercover
to fight the mob, I saw my chance. Unfortunately, the timing was lousy.
Lagostini died and I had to take his place while Fraser was away up
north." 

 Kowalski smiled slightly. "He was sure surprised to find me pretending to
be you. I thought he'd been filled in, but he hadn't. He spent the rest of
the day measuring my face and giving me putty sandwiches." 

 "Kowalski, what are you going to do about Benny?" 

 "I have to talk to him, I think," answered Ray Kowalski. "I have to go
see him and apologize and try to explain." 

 "He does love you," said Ray Vecchio. 

 "He told you that?" 

 "He did." 

 "Well, he uh, he loves ya too, ya know," said Kowalski. 

 "Not the same way, though," answered Vecchio. 

 "Well, I won't say I'm not happy about that," stated Ray Kowalski. 

 Vecchio smiled and clapped Ray Kowalski on the shoulder. "Come on, let's
go see Ma. She's gonna wonder what's happened to us." 

 Kowalski waited until Mrs Vecchio was recovered and out of the hospital
before he left for the Yukon. He made certain that his cases were all
closed or transferred to other detectives. Then he informed Lt. Welsh of
his departure, stating that he did not know when or if he would be coming
back this time. 

 Welsh was beginning to wonder what was happening to his precinct. He had
lost four detectives - Kowalski, Vecchio, Huey and Dewey - and the
Mountie. Maybe it was time to consider retirement. 

 When Ray arrived in Whitehorse, the sun was still up, even though it was
late evening. Of course, he thought, it was spring, meaning the days were
getting longer. They would continue to get longer until it was light
around the clock in the summer time. 

 He managed to find a ride into town where he went to the RCMP detachment.
They weren't very helpful, not wanting to tell him Fraser's home address.
Ray didn't know how he was going to find Fraser if he didn't know where
the Mountie lived. Then he had an idea. Fraser's father's cabin wasn't too
far outside of town. He knew that Ben had been planning to work on it -
maybe he would go out there. So Ray rented a truck and headed out to the
cabin. He was surprised to see how much it had changed. The last time he'd
seen it there hadn't been much left after the fire set by Victoria
Metcalfe had burned it to the ground. Now it was almost finished. 

 Ray swallowed hard. He'd wanted to help Fraser rebuild this cabin. They'd
been supposed to work on it together. But he'd pretty much ruined all
that, hadn't he, when he left? The door wasn't locked - of course, Fraser
never locked doors - so he went in. There was a bedroll in one corner. Ray
unrolled it and lay down. He was tired from his long plane trip, and soon
fell asleep. 

 Fraser was on patrol when the call came through on his car's radio.
Someone had been seen going in to his father's cabin. He was surprised.
There was nothing in the cabin worth stealing. Why would anyone visit a
half-built cabin? He turned his car and went to check it out. 

 Arriving at the cabin, Fraser opened the door and drew his gun. He was
astonished to see Ray Kowalski sleeping in the corner. Putting his weapon
away, he shook the other man awake. "Ray?" 

 Ray opened his eyes. "Oh, hi Fraser," he said. "Guess I fell asleep. I
was tired after the flight." 

 "I got a call that someone was in the cabin. What are you doing here?" 

 "What am I doing here? Well, I came apologize for running out on you. And
explain. And maybe see if we still had a chance together. Uh - are you on
duty? Do you have time to talk?" 

 "I'm almost at the end of my shift. I'll just call in and explain." Ben
went out to his car and called in on the radio, saying that the person in
the cabin was a friend of his who had been looking for him. Then he went
back in to the cabin to listen to what Ray had to say. 

 "Why did you come back? What made you change your mind?" Fraser asked. 

 "I talked to Vecchio," Ray explained. "He, uh, he helped me see some
things." And he told Fraser what he had told Ray Vecchio, about being
afraid that their relationship would end, and about needing to leave
before he had too many obligations. Fraser sat and listened. Ray finished
up by saying, "I would like to stay ... if you'll let me. You have every
right to throw me out, to tell me to piss off, to never speak to me again.
But I do love you, Ben." 

 Fraser was silent for a long time before he finally spoke. "I can't
promise you anything, Ray. I don't know if I can forgive, or forget. I
don't know if things can ever be the same between us. But if you were
willing to come all this way, the least I can do is offer you a place to
stay. Why don't you come home with me, and we'll see what happens." 

 Ray let out the breath he had been holding. "Thank you," he said. "Where
are you living?" 

 "I have a two-bedroom apartment in Whitehorse," Ben answered. 

 Ray understood the meaning behind those words. "Well, I'll pay rent, and
my share of food and utilities. I know how expensive it is to live up
here, and I'm not into freeloading. Maybe I can find a job, if someone can
overlook that I don't have a work permit." He followed Fraser into town.
The apartment was furnished with the same furniture that had been in their
old house, which meant one bed. They'd brought the bedroll with them from
the cabin, though, and Ray said he would sleep on it. Fraser offered to
use the bedroll and let Ray have the bed, but Ray insisted on using the
bedroll. "Tomorrow I'll go buy a bed." 

 Fraser asked if he was hungry, but Ray said that he was not, and that he
was going to go to sleep right away. He carried the bedroll into the
unused second bedroom and prepared for bed. Just before he turned in he
stuck his head out of the bedroom. "Fraser?" he said tentatively. "Uh, I
just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance. For giving
us a chance." Fraser nodded but said nothing. 

 The next day Ray gave Fraser some money for food and a month's rent. Then
he went out and bought a bed. He also started looking for work. It didn't
take him long before he found a position as a security guard at a mine not
far from Whitehorse. There had been a long, drawn-out labour dispute going
on, and instances of sabotage were becoming more common as many of the
strikers started going back to work, crossing the picket line. The mine
owner didn't care if Ray was legally allowed to work in Canada. He said he
needed all the security he could get, and was willing to pay Ray under the
table until he was able to get a work permit. 

 Ben and Ray lived basically as roommates, little more than polite
strangers. Ray noticed that Fraser never touched him. Even before they had
become lovers, the two had touched each other fairly often, a pat on the
back, an arm across the shoulders, even an occasional hug. Ray tried
touching his friend sometimes, but Fraser practically flinched every time
he did so. 

 //Did I really hurt him that badly// Ray wondered, //that he can't even
stand my touch?// 

 One evening, when Ben was sitting in the living room reading a tome on
RCMP history, Ray put a CD he had recently purchased into the stereo.
Approaching Fraser, he said, "C'mon, Ben, let's dance." 

 "I'm not sure I know how to, Ray," answered Fraser. 

 Ray took his hand and pulled him out of his chair. "There's nothing to
know. You just move in time to the music." 

 Fraser remembered the first time he had seen Ray dance. He'd been dancing
with Stella, his ex- wife, and Fraser had been envious. He'd long for the
opportunity to dance with Ray, and now he had it. But he wasn't sure that
he wanted it. Still, Ray wasn't saying that they had to dance close or
even touch. So he allowed Ray to pull him to his feet and they both began
to move to the music. 

 Then the song changed to a slow, romantic tune, and suddenly he was in
Ray's arms. They danced slowly and sensually. Then the song ended and
their faces were mere centimeters apart. Ray closed the distance between
them and gently kissed Ben. Almost against his will, Ben could feel
himself responding. Then he pulled away. "No .. I can't," he said. He ran
into his room and shut the door. 

 Ray swore and kicked the chair Fraser had been sitting in. He'd gone to
far. He shouldn't have kissed him. He should have been satisfied with
dancing. He went and knocked on the bedroom door. "Fraser, I'm sorry," he
said through the door. "Actually, I'm not sorry that I kissed you, but I
am sorry that I - that I upset you. If I crossed a line, I'm sorry for
that. I love you." Hearing no response, he turned off the stereo and went
to bed. 

 In his room, Ben sighed and punched his pillow. He didn't know what he
was feeling. He had wanted Ray to kiss him, and he hated himself for
wanting it. He longed to be close to Ray and at the same time he feared
it. 

 Ray lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Would Fraser ever forgive him?
Would he ever stop being so polite and distant? If he had any sense he
would pack his things and go back to Chicago, but doing that would just
prove to Fraser that he couldn't be trusted to stick around. He'd told
Fraser he wanted to stay, and he meant it. Even being friends again would
be better than being treated like a stranger in Fraser's home. They'd been
friends before they became lovers, and partners before they were friends.
Maybe that was it. He would ask Fraser to help him investigate the recent
vandalism at the mine. Maybe if they worked together again they could
rebuild some of the trust they had lost. 

 The next day, trying to act as if nothing had happened the night before,
he approached Fraser. "Hey, Fraser, can I talk to ya about something
work-related?" 

 "Certainly, Ray. What is it?" 

 "They've been having a lot of trouble with vandalism and sabotage at the
mine lately. The longer the strike goes on, the worse it gets. I wondered
if maybe you an' me could do some unofficial looking-around, maybe find
some clues. I bet that if we worked together we could find out who's
behind it." 

 "I would like to help you, Ray, but I can't. I would be interfering with
the investigation that is already being carried out by the RCMP. I can't
do any more than what is already being done." It was a lie and he knew it,
but he couldn't work with Ray again. 

 Ray scowled. "Thanks a lot, Fraser," he said, and stormed away. 

 The next day Fraser was on patrol when a call came in on his radio. His
heart leaped into his throat when he heard what the dispatcher had to say.
There had been an explosion at the mine - a bomb was the most likely
cause. One of the security personnel had gone down into the mine to try
and help rescue anyone who might be trapped. There were unconfirmed
reports of casualties, who and how many unknown. 

 Ray! The security guard who had gone into the mine had to have been Ray.
It was something he would do. His police file in Chicago was full of
commendations for bravery. He had performed many heroic acts at the risk
of his own safety. 

 Fraser slammed a hand on the steering wheel. He should have helped Ray
when he was asked. If anything happened to him ... He couldn't lose Ray
again. It had been his own stubbornness and pride that had pushed Ray
away. Yet Ray kept coming back. But this time, what if he couldn't come
back? 

 When Fraser arrived at the mine he did his best to appear calm and
composed when all he wanted to do was grab the nearest person and demand
to know if they had seen Ray. But he was a Mountie, and he was on duty.
The situation appeared to be in hand, wounded miners were being loaded
into waiting ambulances. A helicopter had arrived to take the more
seriously wounded away. Fraser looked around, trying to figure out who
would be in charge. Suddenly, he heard his name being called. 

 "Fraser!" And there, unbelievably, was Ray. He tried to contain his joy
and relief at seeing him. His friend was dirty and disheveled and sported
a few cuts and bruises, but he didn't seem to be seriously injured. 

 "I got the guys who did this, Fraser!" Ray said cheerfully. "Well, two of
them didn't make it, but I got their partners. After their plan went up in
smoke, they confessed. I locked 'em in the office till you guys could get
here." He handed Fraser a key. 

 Ben allowed his hand to briefly brush Ray's as he took the key. "Are you
all right?" he asked quietly. 

 "Yeah, I'm fine. Got bumped around a bit when I went down into the mine,
but nothing serious." 

 "Good," Fraser stated and went to deal with the suspects that Ray had
apprehended. Ray watched him curiously as he went. 

 Ben took the bombers to the RCMP detachment where they were processed and
questioned. They hadn't meant for the bomb to go off when there were
people around the mine, but the timer had been faulty and it had gone off
while it was still being set. When they realized that their accomplices
had been killed, the two bombers had given up quickly. 

 It was a long time before Fraser returned home. He was exhausted. He
slumped into a chair and thought about what had happened that day. //Ray
could have died in that explosion. I could have lost him permanently.//
Tears started to fall and he let them flow unchecked. 

 When Ray finally arrived the first thing he saw was Fraser sitting with
his head in his hands. "Frase?" he asked. "You okay?" Fraser lifted his
head and Ray saw the tears. "What's wrong?" Ray asked as he hurried to his
friend's side. 

 Ben stood up and turned his back to Ray. He leaned against a wall while
he tried to regain his composure. Finally he gave up and turned back to
face Ray. 

 "Ray ..." his voice came out in a choked sob. He reached out and took the
blonde man into his arms. Surprised, Ray returned the embrace. It wasn't
sexual, but it was comforting, and, Ray thought, loving. Eventually,
Fraser released him. 

 "Ray, I thought I had lost you today. I heard about the explosion and
that there had been casualties. They said you'd gone into the mine .. I
didn't know if you were alive or dead." 

 "God, Fraser, I'm sorry you were worried. I was so busy dealing with
everything I didn't have time to call or anything." 

 "That's not your fault, Ray. You had a job to do. And from what I've
heard, you did it very well." 

 Ray squeezed Fraser's arm and was pleased to see that for once the
Mountie did not pull away or avoid his touch. Feeling a bit more daring,
he reached up and brushed his fingers across Ben's cheek, wiping away the
tears. "What are these for?" he asked. 

 "Ray, I was so frightened ... I thought I had lost you for good ...I was
afraid you had left me again, and this time you weren't coming back." 

 Ray hugged him. "I won't leave you, Fraser. Not ever again." 

 Ben clung tightly to the man he loved. "I love you, Ray." 

 This time the tears threatened to come from Ray. "I thought I'd never
hear you say that again," he whispered. 

 "I'm so sorry," Ben told him. 

 "For what? You got nothing to be sorry for," answered Kowalski. 

 "For ever letting you think that I don't love you." 

 "I let you think that I don't love *you.* I'm the one that should
apologize." 

 Fraser smiled just a little. "Perhaps we should both stop apologizing,"
he said, and kissed Ray. The other man responded eagerly to the kiss. Then
he pulled back with a groan. "Fraser, I have been dreaming about this ever
since I got back, but I am exhausted." 

 Ben cupped his lover's face in his hand. "I understand. It's been a very
tiring day for us both." 

 "I need sleep," sighed Ray. 

 "Will you sleep with me tonight?" Ben asked. "Just sleep, nothing more
... at least not until we've had some rest." 

 Ray yawned. "Best idea I've heard all day. All week." He wrapped an arm
around Fraser's waist and they headed for the bedrooms. Ben steered him
toward his own room. The American stopped him for a moment. "Ben ... I
just want you to know that I won't leave you. Never again. I won't hurt
you like that again, I promise." 

 Fraser kissed him gently. "I know that now, Ray. Thank you for telling
me." 

 "I love you, Ben." 

 "And I love you, Ray." 

 The two of them fell into bed without bothering to undress. They fell
asleep wrapped in each other's arms. They knew they would never be apart
again. 

 END 

 </PRE>