The Healing Soul   This is my first fic involving anything that's
close to NC-17, so please be kind. I only realized after I finish writing
it that this might qualify as a response to Lex's "Ep that leads to sex"
challenge and if you stretch it a little, it might even qualify for the
Fraser saying the 'F' word challenge. Meg, that was your challenge wasn't
it? But really, I wasn't planning on answering any challenges when I wrote
this. Just had to get the thing outta my head.	Thanks to Kittie, Tori,
Meg and Sama for their beta efforts. There was another one but somwhere
between Australia and Malaysia, I lost her post... Any additional mistakes
belong to me. And yes Kittie, I did watched HCL though that part was NOT
intentional. *g* Finally, to Jerry, you can now stop bugging me about it!!
*g*  Disclaimers: Not mine, no money, sue at your own risk.  Warnings: A
little spoiler for Ladies Man, angst, suicidal thoughts, angst, and did I
mention angst?	Oct 99 ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ The Healing Soul By
Eugenie Chua    Fraser chided himself for not being able to comfort his
friend the way he wanted to, not being able to give Ray a hug, like any
other friend would have done, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He
just could not. So he did the next best thing and put his arm around Ray
in a comforting gesture, hoping that it was enough, yet knowing that it
wasn't and never would be...  * * *  As Ray opened the door to his
apartment, he could feel Fraser's eyes on him, observing his every move.
He was too tired to drive the Mountie back to the consulate, so he had
asked Fraser if he would mind walking home. Fraser had said no. Now he
couldn't help but wonder why the other man had followed him up. He really
wasn't in the mood for company.  He let out a sigh as the opened door
displayed his ransacked apartment, reminding him of the nearly fatal
mistake he had made, the mistake that cost Beth Botrelle eight years of
freedom and agony...  She thanked me...how could she?! How?! Ray's mind
screamed at him. God, I suck! he thought as he proceeded to pick up and
clear out the mess that those goons had made. A remote part of his mind
managed to register Fraser helping him.  More than an hour later, some
sort of order was finally restored. Ray was heading towards the shower
when he suddenly remembered Fraser was still there with him.  Why can't he
just leave me alone? But out loud, he said, "There's tea in the cupboards
if ya want some."  "Thank you kindly, Ray," came the ever polite reply. 
Leaving the other man in the living room, Ray stepped into the bathroom.
Turning the shower on as hot as he could stand, he let the water run down
him, feeling the malice of the heat on his skin, wondering if this was how
it felt to be burning in hell. He let out a bitter laugh at that thought.
Yeah, burning in hell, that was where he was supposed to be: in hell...
burning... paying for the horrible crime he had committed against Beth.  
He finally stepped out of the shower after what seemed like an eternity. 
You really suck! Ray thought, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
Only thing yer good at is messin' things up. First with Dad, then Stella,
Fraser and now Botrelle. How could she thank me?! How could she forgive
me?! How?! But Ray did not vocalize his thoughts. Ya never would have
caused so much trouble and pain if ya weren't here to begin with, he
silently told the reflection. He shook his head and lowered his gaze,
feeling the sudden anger that rose in him. Anger against himself, against
his stupidity for not reading the note, anger against his own existence...
His right hand was in a fist so tight that his nails were digging into his
palm, but he didn't notice the pain. All he could think of was the pain he
had caused others. They wouldda been better off without ya in their life! 
 Looking up into the mirror again, he suddenly couldn't stand the image it
displayed. And he did the only thing he could think of.   Glittering
pieces of glass in various shape and sizes littered his bathroom. Picking
up a large piece that had fallen into the sink, he stared at his
reflection. Incomplete. Like the glass in his hand, incomplete. He looked
at his other hand. It would be so easy to end it all right now, so easy to
end the suffering and pain he had caused, so easy... so tempting... And as
if it was alive, the glass found its way to his left wrist...  "Ray?" a
concerned voice came from the bathroom door, belonging to someone he could
never have, a voice that he could just listen to forever, that beautiful
voice... "Ray!" the voice became more urgent as though the speaker
realized the severity of the situation.  Ray didn't say a word as Fraser
slowly moved closer to him, he just stared at the glass and his wrist...
the idea of ending everything then and there was alluring; he could sense
the darkness rising and consuming him. It would be so easy...to press the
glass onto his skin and pull it back...so effortless...  "Ray!" there was
the voice again, only this time, actions accompanied it as he felt the
glass being snatched away from him. Letting out a cry of loss, he felt a
hand clasp his left wrist, applying pressure. Looking down, he saw it was
Fraser's hand, and red fluid was seeping through the fingers. Blood... his
blood. The sight of it snapped him back into reality.  Fraser finally
found a towel on the rack and wrapped it around the self-inflicted wound.
Self-inflicted...did he really do it? He knew he was thinking about it,
but hadn't realized that he had actually performed the act. Was he that
out of it? Maybe he was, but he didn't really care. He probably deserved
it. No, scratch that, he did deserve it.  After taking care of the left
hand, Fraser proceeded to check on his other hand where several small
pieces of the mirror had impaled themselves on his fist when he hit it.  
"Good, the cuts aren't too deep. I could probably manage without taking
you to the hospital."  "Great. No hospitals," he muttered under his breath
as Fraser took care of him.  * * *  Half an hour later, Fraser had cleared
up the mess he had made in the bathroom and both of them were on the
couch. Ray was looking everywhere but at Fraser, who was watching his
every movement like a hawk.  "Ray," Fraser finally broke the silence
between them. "What the hell did you think you were doing?!" Ray could
almost hear the well controlled rage in his friend's voice.  Ray turned to
looked at Fraser, surprised to hear the Canadian swear. He mustta be
really pissed off to be swearin' like that, God I really did fuck up this
time didn't I?	"Yes you did," came the reply.	"I said that out loud?"
Ray wasn't aware that he had spoken his thoughts out loud, or at least the
last part of it.  "Yes."  "Yeah. Guess I did. Bet even you can't read
minds," Ray said with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. 
"No, I can't read minds, but now, I really wish that I could, just to know
what's going on in that head of yours." Fraser's tone was snappish, barely
containing his anger. Ray couldn't help wonder if the other man would feel
better just letting it all out by biting his head off.	 "Benton-buddy,
trust me. You don't want to be goin' there."  "You're not me. How would
you know what I want?"	Silence. Then Fraser let out a sigh, as though he
was letting all the anger out the Fraser way, getting himself under
control.  "Ray, please, talk to me." This time, Ray could hear concern in
Fraser's voice. Looking the other man in the eyes only confirmed it.  
"I...I..."  "Ray?"  Ray couldn't look at Fraser, he didn't want to look at
Fraser. "Not now, Frase. Just not now."  "All right. Come on. Let's get
you to bed. You must be tired."  "Yeah. Whatever."   Ray let Fraser lead
him to his bedroom and by the time his head hit the pillow, he was already
half asleep, the exhaustion from the past two days finally catching up
with him. He felt Fraser hovering above him, tucking him in for the night.
He hadn't been tucked in since he was a kid and that had always made him
felt loved and secure. The thought made him smile. Reluctantly, he opened
his eyes. Fraser was standing beside the bed, looking at him.	He's so
beautiful...Ray couldn't help himself.	"Go to sleep Ray," he said quietly
and Ray obediently closed his eyes.  Just as he was about to slip into a
deep sleep, he sensed rather than felt Fraser moving away. "Stay." He said
in a sleep-laden voice. Some part deep inside of him knew that he really
didn't want to be alone. "'Lenty o'space on bed fer both." He managed.	A
sigh came from somewhere near his bedroom door, then: "Very well."  Some
shuffling noise and Ray felt a warm, comforting presence beside him.
Curling up against it, sleep finally claimed him.  * * *  A ray of
sunlight shone through the crack between the curtains and landed on the
face of its namesake who was lying curled up against his friend, with said
friend holding onto him as though he was the most precious thing in the
world. Both were sound asleep, oblivious to the world that was waking up
outside.  * * *  Someone was holding him and it felt good, really good. It
had been too long since he had awakened with someone beside him. He was
warm, content and most importantly, he felt secure and safe. He couldn't
remember the last time he had felt this safe with someone, not even with
Stella, especially later in their relationship. He was always afraid that
he'd wake up one day and find her gone, and that was exactly what
happened. But not today.  Blinking, Ray finally opened his eyes and found
himself face to face with a still sleeping Fraser.  Never seen him so
relaxed before. Bet he's absolutely clueless on how beautiful he is.  
Minutes passed as Ray just lay there, looking at Fraser. As the rest of
his body slowly caught up with his mind, Ray suddenly realized that he had
an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Carefully, he untangled himself from
Fraser, trying not to wake his friend, and tip-toed into the bathroom.	
Ray stared at the wall where the mirror normally was and the events from
last night came rushing back to him. The sight of his bandaged right hand
and left wrist only confirmed that his mind wasn't playing tricks on him.
Looking around the bathroom, he realized Fraser had cleared up all the
glass. Ray could have just stood in front of the sink for hours if his
bladder had not reminded him why he was here in the first place.   He was
washing his hands when he felt Fraser's gaze on him.  "Mornin'," he said
without looking back.  "Good morning."	"And I'm fine," Ray said, guessing
Fraser's next question.  "Ray..."  "Frase, I don't wanna talk about it."
Ray turned and looked at his friend. "At least not now." He silently
pleaded.  Fraser only nodded.  "Good. Now you do whatever you have to do
in here and I'll see what I can dig up for breakfast."	* * *  Neither man
said a word during breakfast. Fraser kept an eye out on Ray. Even after a
full night's rest, Ray still looked tired and Fraser couldn't help notice
the sadness that still lurked beneath the surface.  I could have lost him
last night, I could have lost him, Fraser thought as he fixed his eyes on
the bandaged hand and wrist. If I wasn't here last night...Stop it Benton
Fraser, you don't want to go down that road. The important thing is you
were there and there was no permanent damage done...God, I could have lost
him! Oh Ray...	"What ya lookin' at?" Ray's voice snapped him back into
reality.  "Nothing," he muttered.  "Fine."   The rest of the breakfast was
finished the way it started, in silence.  * * *  Fraser joined Ray on the
couch after he put the dishes away. Ray was petting Diefenbaker who was
lying at his feet.  "Ray..." He never got the chance to finish.  "Look
Fraser, thank you for doing the dishes, and I'm fine. You can stop
worryin' and go home. No need for ya to be hangin' around," Ray said as he
continued to pet Dief.	"Ray, you are not fine."  "Fraser..."	Fraser
could hear the warning in the voice, but he chose to ignore it. He wasn't
about to give up the fight, not about someone as important to him as Ray.
"No matter what you might think, or what you might try to convince me to
think, you are not all right, Ray. You tried to kill yourself last night
and as far as I'm concerned, that is not something people who are 'fine'
would do. Ray, please. Talk to me." Fraser echoed his words from the
previous night.  * * *	He's not gonna let it drop.  Letting out a sigh,
which seemed to be the only thing he could do right in the past couple of
days, he finally managed to spit it out. "I suck." Even then, it was
barely a whisper. "I'm so fucked up that wrecking my own life wasn't
enough, that I had to destroy other people's lives on the way as well."
Ray paused, not sure how to continue.  "Ray, you don't suck and you're not
destroying anyone's life..."  "Don't try to make me fell better Fraser,
'cause ya know that ain't the truth." This time, Ray was on a roll, his
voice getting louder as he spoke. "My Dad would've been better off without
me disappointin' him, Stella would've been happier if she hadn't met me,
Beth wouldn't have been in prison for eight, eight fucking years if I
wasn't there to mess things up, and you wouldn't have a sorry excuse for a
partner."  "Ray, Beth Botrelle would have been dead if it wasn't for you!
And you are most definitely not a sorry excuse for a partner. As a matter
of fact, I'm proud to have you as my partner."	"Can it Fraser, just stop
it!" Ray yelled, standing up and turning away from Fraser, trying to calm
himself down. "Just stop it."  "You know I don't lie." Fraser said
quietly.   After a moment or so, Ray finally turned and looked at Fraser
again, seeing the concern in the other man's eyes. Ray collapsed back onto
the couch, suddenly feeling too tired for a fight. "I really suck," he
muttered, leaning back and closing his eyes.  "No you don't, Ray. You
don't," Fraser's voice floated over to him. "You never did 'suck' and
never will."  Ray let out a disbelieving laugh and turned to look at
Fraser. "How can ya be so sure? How can ya?!"  "Because I know you Ray." 
"Know me?! Yeah. Yer a pretty lucky guy, having a good fer nothin' like me
as a friend."  "Ray, please don't say that. You're a good man with a good
heart and you are definitely not good for nothing."  "Stop trying to make
me feel better, Fraser. It's not gonna work. Just go away. Go back to the
consulate, take Dief for a walk, whatever, just leave me alone."  Silence
once again filled the room as both men were lost in their own thoughts.  
"Last night," Ray knew that tone, it was the 'I'm gonna tell ya a long
story so don't interrupt' tone that he had used on him while telling him
the story of the Robert MacKensie. "I didn't know what to expect when I
heard the sound of the mirror breaking, but seeing you with that piece of
glass at your wrist wasn't the first thing that came to my mind, and...and
I nearly panicked." Fraser paused for a moment, drawing in a deep breath
before continuing. "I couldn't remember ever being so scared before. So
scared that I could do nothing but stand there, watching you. But
something must have snapped in me, because the next thing I knew, I was
right beside you, cleaning up the cut. I don't recall ever moving, or
taking the glass out of your hand for that matter, but I must have. All I
could think of was that I nearly lost you, if I had walked home last
night, I would have lost you, and that thought really.... it really scares
me." Fraser sounded as though he was on the verge of tears. Ray couldn't
help but to look, and sure enough, there was moisture in his eyes. 
"Frase?" Now it was Ray's turn to be concerned. He had never seen Fraser
so worked up before. The other man always seemed so calm and in control
that the idea of him being frightened by something terrified him. But what
was Fraser trying to say? That he was afraid of losing him? Was he that
important to him? "What are ya tryin' to say Frase?"  * * *  "What I'm
trying to say is...that I don't want to lose you, Ray."   "Why? Am I that
important to ya? I'm not even the real Vecchio, just this fucked up
imposter."  "Please don't ever say that again, Ray. You're not fucked up
and I've never wanted you to be Ray Vecchio. And yes, you are important to
me." More than anything or anyone else in the world, he added mentally. 
"Ya missed somethin' there."  "What?"  "Why?" Ray looked at him straight
in the eyes when he asked.   "Because...because..." Tell him you idiot!
Just tell him! "Because...I love you." There it was, finally out. Now he
just needed to wait for Ray to freak out, then sock him, kick him in the
head or do something along those lines. He didn't dare to look at Ray,
afraid of what he might find.  * * *  What?! Did he just say...  "Ya mean
that symbolically or somethin'?" Ray, repeating the words he had said
months before, in a world that somehow seemed entirely different yet
familiar, managed to sound more casual and relaxed than he actually was. 
Silence. Maybe I heard wrong after all.  "No. Not symbolically." Came the
reply.	"Or somethin' then," Ray said, looking at Fraser who had suddenly
found the floor a fascinating sight.  "No. I... I..." Fraser looked up,
right into Ray's eyes. "I meant it literally."	"Literally huh." It was
Ray's turn to find the floor fascinating. He's just sayin' it to make ya
feel better. God, ya really suck, makin' Fraser lie like that.	"Yes Ray,
literally. I'm not saying this to make you feel better," Fraser added as
though reading his mind. "I'm saying it because it's the truth."  Ray felt
Fraser moving closer to him, a hand lifted his chin so he was looking
right into Fraser's blue eyes, eyes that were telling him the same thing
that the beautiful voice was saying. "Stanley Raymond Kowalski, I love you
and please, I beg you not to repeat last night's performance again,
because I don't think...I don't think I could live without you." And this
time, tears did fall.	Couldn't live without me... Realizations of the
severity of his actions last night dawned upon him. How could he have been
so stupid? He could have lost Fraser without even knowing it, he could
have lost everything...  "God...Frase, I...I...promise I won't do it
again." Ray managed to say before he was drawn into a bone crushing
embrace. "I'm sorry Ben, I didn't know. I'm so sorry," Ray whispered.  * *
*  The sound of his first name from Ray's lips sounded like a homecoming
he hadn't been aware he was yearning. Cupping Ray's face in his hands, he
whispered against Ray's lips, "Now you know, Ray. Now you know," before
leaning in for a kiss that was long overdue.  * * *  Permission was sought
on both sides and was freely granted. Boundaries and fences that were once
between them were crossed and torn down and in the end, there was nothing
but the love the felt for each other.	Fraser was finally touching him
the way he had dreamt he would. Ray could sense the darkness slowly
lifting with every touch and kiss that Fraser was showering upon him.  
Touch. All he could feel was Fraser touching him. Hands, lips, body, it
didn't matter as long as Fraser was touching him. Sometime later, he felt
the bed beneath his exposed skin, but he couldn't remember how it had
happened. That didn't matter either.   Fraser was on top of him, kissing
him, absorbing the darkness into his light, shielding and protecting him.
That sense of security he'd felt earlier in the morning was back and he
didn't want to lose it again, not ever.  Ray let out a gasp as he felt
their erections touch and not long after, they set up a rhythm that was
urgent, yet gentle at the same time. When Ray came, triggering Fraser's
own climax, he felt a sense of completeness that he had not felt for so
long flooding through him. Fraser completed him.  "Love ya, Ben. Love ya
for so long..."  "I love you too, Ray and I don't want to lose you."  "Not
if I can help it."  The light that was Fraser was slowly pulling him out
of the darkness he had sunk into. He knew that it was still there, but
with Fraser's light around him, giving him hope, he would never again be
consumed by it.  * * *	Fraser gathered the sleeping detective into his
arms in a protective embrace, finally able to comfort his partner, friend
and....lover, the way he wanted to. He would do everything in his power to
help Ray to get over his guilt. He raised Ray's left wrist to his lips and
kissed the healing wound, hoping that his love for him would be enough to
heal Ray's soul as well. It had to be, for that was everything he had to
give, his undying love for Ray.    The End. Love it? Hate it? Lemme know
here!