Hearts Breaking Even    Hearts Breaking Even by Alison

 Author's disclaimer: Alliance owns them. I don't, but at least I'm doing
something with them.

 Author's notes: Very short follow up piece. Thank you to everybody who
took the time to let me know that I'm not as bad as I thought I was. A
particular thank you to Linda who encouraged me in the first place.

  

 Hearts Breaking Even 

 It's only when we finally settle down to dinner at a local Chinese
restaurant that I can finally bring myself to drop a little of my guard. 

 "Hey Benny Ben," he says softly, unsure what my reaction is going to be.
I have spent the day tormenting and testing and he just took It all
without a fight. I'm not sure what that means. From the second he walked
into the squad room and he walked towards me, arms outstretched, it is as
if time has been moving at a different pace for me than for the rest of
the world. 

 He's still looking at me, still unsure, and I give myself a mental shake.
I still don't know what to say. 

 "I didn't know," he says suddenly. "I swear to you that I didn't know. I
hadn't known about this gig for long and I didn't know..." He trails off,
looking down at his food. 

 "No, I understand," I finally manage to get out. I sound like a stranger
even to myself. "It's just - ", I shrug, not able to continue. //I was
right// I'm triumphant about it. //I was right. He and I - we're
connected. He's come back to me and I'm not letting him go this time.// 

 "It was a shock," I say, trying again. "I wasn't expecting..." 

 Ray holds up one long fingered hand to stop me. "Neither was I," he says.
"Shall we start again, would that be good?" He looks at me - chameleon
eyes blue now, after the stormy grey of earlier - and he looks like a
little boy. Even his hair is more - tousled - than surprised, and I have
an absurd urge to reach out and tidy it up for him. I think he would like
it, but perhaps now is not the time to try. 

 He holds his hand out to me. "My name's Ray," he says, winking. For a
moment I look at that hand as if it's going to attack me, then I clasp it
for a moment. "Benton Fraser," I reply. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He
won't say Vecchio - he'll just be Ray until I find out who he really is. 

 "I thought about you," he says, looking directly at me. There may as well
be nobody else in the restaurant. "I thought about you a lot." 

 "And I you," I answer without thinking. It was nothing less than the
truth. He nods slightly, seemingly satisfied. 

 "So that's the wolf then," he says, knocking me off balance yet again.
This man's mind seems to move in so many directions at once that mere
mortals are left panting in his wake, trying to keep up. 

 "Yes," I glance at the door of the restaurant. I can just see Dief, doing
his best 'orphan of the storm' impression. As usual it's working, and
people are sending tidbits of food out to him. Ray follows the direction
of my glance and snorts a laugh. 

 "See he's got people eating out of his hand as well," is all he says. I
look at him but his expression gives nothing away. 

 "Is he a good guard dog?" he asks, seemingly out of the blue. 

 I shrug. "Well, he's better than a rabbit. Unfortunately he only ever
notices intruders if he's actually facing them and has his eyes open,
which frankly doesn't happen much. And even if it did, as long as they
were carrying junk food of some kind he would be more likely to smother
them with affection than actually be of more practical help." I sigh and
shrug. "I don't think Chicago has been very good for him, all things
considered." 

 Ray smiled. "I like him. He's got - personality. Don't like animals
without personality." 

 "And the turtle -?" I ask as politely as I can. 

 "Ah, now you think that a turtle can't have a personality, is that it?"
he asks. He wipes his hands on his napkin and leans back in his chair,
still smiling. My body reacts immediately, giving me no chance to hide it.
I feel m myself leaning towards him, and I know that I'm giving off
signals in a way I pride myself never happens with me. He looks at me out
of half closed eyes, but doesn't react. 

 "My turtle," he says solemnly, stretching extravagantly in his chair,
making me squirm at the sight of that long body of his moving in a way
reminiscent of the way he moved that night, "has a personality all of its
own. The problem is - and this is a problem with the species - that it's
very difficult to have a serious conversation with him because, quite
honestly, the head and the ass look the same. He bit me once," he holds
out his hand and points to a very faint scar on his index finger. "This
was a real surprise because I thought I had hold of the ass end." 

 "What were you doing - ?" I ask, before shaking my head, deciding that
perhaps it would be better if I didn't know. 

 He looks at me for perhaps half a minute, then puts his head back and
laughs - a real bellylaugh. It causes the other diners to look at us, some
with amusement, others with irritation. When he calms down, he leans
forward and beckons me closer so that our faces are no more than six
inches apart. With very little effort I could reach out... but no, not
here. Perhaps never. I would leave it all up to him. 

 "Fraser, I had just picked him up to move him because the tank needed
cleaning. Get your mind out of the gutter." 

 I smile, somewhat embarrassed, and nod slightly. Still smiling, he
reaches up and strokes his finger - the one with the scar - down my face,
tracing the old scars on my jaw. Then he rubs softly at my forehead. "I'd
like to make all the hurt go away," he says softly, then sits back,
leaving me still leaning foolishly towards him, mouth half open, eyes half
closed. 

 "I'm done eating Frase," he says, "and I'm kinda tired. You know how it
is - get set on fire, get half drowned, get shot - takes it out of a guy."


 "Indeed," I say a little too brightly, putting my own napkin down on my
plate. "Shall we go then?" 

 Ray stands and stretches again, doing strange things to my inside. He
winces and puts his hand to his side where he was shot, and that does
strange things to my heart. 

 We make our slow way to the car - an anonymous sedan since now that the
Riviera has met a watery death. I feel a twinge of guilt over that. Ray
Vecchio loved that car - indeed he had loved all three of them. I am
surprised at how little pain I feel over losing Ray now. Only a few hours
ago I was devastated, but now I have this energetic bundle of nerves to
learn all over again. I will always love Ray, but perhaps life has to
continue. 

 As we get into the car Ray looks over and smiles somewhat goofily at me.
I recognise that look; his energy is just about gone and he's going to
fall asleep at any second. 

 "Do you want me to drive Ray?" I ask, somewhat alarmed. 

 "God no," he shakes his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I am
the world's worst backseat driver." He glances over his shoulder where
Diefenbaker is smiling at him. "Almost," he amends. He reaches over and
puts a hand on my thing. "I'm fine," he says. "I'm fine." 

 He removes his hand to put the car into gear, but as soon as we are
safely underway it gravitates back to my leg, where it stays for the rest
of the journey to the - Consulate? 

 "Ray?" I say, as we pull up by the new building, now in darkness. I can't
keep the disappointment out of my voice. 

 He turns to face me and I watch as his hand comes towards me. It cups
itself around my neck and pulls me towards him. I go willingly,
helplessly; back under this man's spell, as I have been since the minute I
saw he had come back to me. 

 He kisses me, lazily but thoroughly, then pulls back, kissing the end of
my nose. 

 "It's too much tonight, Benny Ben," he says, fingers stroking the nape of
my neck, making me shiver. "I can't believe that you're you and that I'm
me and that we're here. I need to go home, get some sleep. So do you." He
pulls away and my neck feels cold, missing the touch of his hand.
Unthinking I reach out and wrap myself around him, as much as I can in the
confines of the car. Not sex, I don't want that; I just need to know he's
there, solid and warm and with me. 

 He brushes a restless hand through my hair and kisses my ear. "It's
okay," he says. "I won't let you fall." 

 Before I can ask what he means, he pushes me away, then leans over me to
open the car door. "Out," he says, smiling at me, "before I change my
mind." 

 I climb out of the car, staggering slightly, more tired than I realised.
Dief bounds up the stairs of the Consulate. I close the car door and watch
the taillights disappear into the dark. 

 He won't let me fall. 

 THE END 

 Notes: I was going to leave them there, but Ray has said something I
don't understand, so once he explains himself there'll be another part.