due South: I Will   

  

This short piece was written in response to a thought shared. Thank you,
Anagi. 

  

I Will

      

  

It had seemed like such a simple question: "Where are we going?" 

          Benton Fraser's question is a literal one and Ray Vecchio,
driving the Buick Riviera in the way that he does – elbow on door, a
dismissive, almost contemptuous attitude towards the other traffic on the
road – answers it literally. 

          "Your place, Fraser. Like we do every evening after I pick you
up from work." Ray smiles a smile of fond exasperation. 

          Fraser looks across at his unofficial partner, his friend, ally
and confidante, his soul-mate and lover. These states of being having been
reached in this particular order, Fraser knows that the exasperation is
merely for the benefit of other people. 

          How can it be otherwise when not one person outside their most
intimate circle – themselves alone – knows of the existence of such a bond
as they have between them?  

          It had seemed like such a simple question. 

          It might take a night and a day to find an answer, only for them
to realise that it's not the answer they want and, therefore, no answer at
all. 

*

 

Lying on Fraser's bed amidst the rumpled sheets, with the pillows askew
from the surge and swell of their love-making, Ray threads a finger
through a damp curl of Fraser's dark hair. 

          Fraser turns his head at the touch, and smiles. 

          Through a mirror-smile, Ray speaks softly. "You asked me where
we were going, Benny. Remember?" 

          "I do." 

          "You remember what I said?" 

          "The gist of it, or precisely?" 

          "Whatever." 

          "You said we were on our way here." 

          Shifting his body in order to hold his lover closer to him, Ray
kisses the nose on Fraser's upturned face. "That wasn't all of it, was
it?" 

          A shadow crosses Fraser's eyes as he looks away. "No, Ray. It
wasn't." 

          The shadow darkens, even in the light of the warm summer
afternoon, and moves from the one face to the other. "Didn't think so.
Wanna tell me the rest?" 

          "Not really, Ray." 

          "Tell me the rest, Benny." 

          "Yes, Ray." 

*

 

It had seemed like such a simple question. 

          Fraser cannot find the tone of the original inquiry. "Where are
we, that is you and I, Ray – our relationship – going?" 

          "D'you mean can we carry on like this, in secret?" 

          "In a manner of speaking, yes. Is it only ever going to be you
and I who are aware of the love we feel for each other?" 

          Ray sighs gustily. It helps to blow away an approaching flood of
tears. "I don't know, Benny." 

          Fraser turns his face to look at his lover again. To look into
his eyes, through his gaze, directly at the honesty in his soul. "But you
don't think so, Ray." 

          A kiss on Fraser's forehead, and Ray can't refuse to respond,
and he can't lie. "No. I don't think so." 

          The woollen blanket from the bed is within reach. Fraser tugs it
over his body. "Do you believe that will become impossible to live with?" 

          Ray tucks one end of the blanket around his lover's shoulders,
pulls the other end over himself, and falls silent for a while. When he
speaks again, he shivers. "It already is, isn't it?" 

          Fraser draws his knees up, curling himself towards a foetal
position. "Yes, Ray. It is." 

*

 

Sometime later, with the light of the warm summer evening casting gold
through the open window, it is necessary to decide, once and for all,
where they are going. 

          Fraser finds his voice and some courage. "A perfect world, Ray.
Imagine a perfect world." 

          Ray shrugs, irritated, and then imagines. "Okay. I have a
perfect world right here, in my head." 

          Such games are played the world over. The imperfect world over.
It doesn't matter that they are no longer children; the rules still apply.
"It's the start of a perfect day in this perfect world, Ray. What are you
going to do?" 

          "Make love to you." 

          A pause. Eyebrows rise. "And then?" 

          A blank look. "Oh." The corners of Ray's mouth twitch.
"Actually, that's gonna be the whole day, Benny." 

          Fraser blushes and smiles. "Be serious, Ray. What will you do?" 

          "Okay. I'll get the family together an' announce to them that
we're in love. Lots of applause an' cheering an' tears of happiness. Then,
with all these joyful noises ringing in our ears, an' with the blessings
of the whole family, we'll go to the twenty-seventh and make the same
announcement. Cue embarrassing amount of political correctness. Ditto at
the consulate, an' then we'll go to the prettiest church in Chicago an'
exchange vows, rings, an' bodily fluids. Yeah, well that'll be some time
later, after the reception, where everyone we've ever known, good and bad,
is gonna be there to wish us all the very best, an' then it'll be off into
the sunset in the Riv, or a dog-sled, if you prefer, to live happily ever
after." 

          "I believe I will like that very much, Ray." 

          A wicked smile splits Ray's serious face. "Me too, especially
the exchanging of bodily fluids."  

          Fraser leans across the table to place a kiss alongside that
wicked smile. "All right, Ray. Be serious now. Imagine an imperfect world.
The start of an imperfect day in an imperfect world. What will you do?" 

          "Worst case scenario, you mean?" 

          "Yes, Ray. The worst case scenario." 

          "I'll do the getting the family together thing, an' the we're in
love thing an' all that, yeah? Frannie will slap my face for perverting
you and making you untouchable. Maria an' Tony will take the kids
somewhere safe" – Ray pauses to make a small gesture with his hands – "an'
Ma? Ma ain't even gonna look at me. Half a dozen lawyers'll tell me I
don't exist, and have no claim on anything I owned or was left. Word goes
round I'm a fag and I'll be fired, after way too much verbal and physical
abuse. I'll have no job, no money, no home, no family, nothin'. Everyone I
love – except you – will reject me, with varying degrees of violence." 

          Fraser looks as if he's in pain. A hand, adrenaline-trembling,
touches his drawn face. He blinks and tears dribble down his cheeks. He
finds his voice again and asks his last question. 

          "In the real world." It's barely a whisper. Fraser looks away,
wipes his eyes, clears his throat. "In reality, Ray, when you make that
announcement, what do you believe will actually happen?" 

          "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Benny." 

          "Neither do I, but we cannot deny that it must be talked about.
In that we are the only people in the world who know anything at all about
this particular subject it is our responsibility to do the talking.
Whether or not we actually want to do so." 

          Ray slams his hands down on the table. The suddenness, the
viciousness of this action causes Fraser to recoil as though from a rifle
shot. On regaining his equilibrium, he realises Ray no longer sits
opposite him. For a moment, Fraser simply looks at the empty space, the
emptiness of the space where Ray was. 

          Only when Ray stomps across the unvarnished boards and grabs the
back of his chair, spins it sharply round and brings his angry face within
a hair's breadth of his own, is Fraser absolutely certain he isn't holding
a real rifle which fires real and deadly ammunition. He glances briefly at
his hands; visual confirmation. 

          "I don't wanna talk about it! I don't wanna be one of only two
people in the world who know just how bad I want you. I don't want the
responsibility! Not knowin', not talkin' about knowin', not knowin' about
knowin' or nothin'! Not none of it! I wanna be allowed to love you, to be
in love with you, to tell anyone who asks me that the only thing gets me
through each and every day is the thought of being with you. I don't care
if I do gotta talk about it! I don't wanna talk about it! D'you understand
me?"  

          Real and deadly ammunition. Fraser holds Ray's piercing gaze
with tranquillity. Ray, unable to break this composure, slowly stands
upright and walks away. 

*

 

"We both know what's gonna happen, Fraser. I'm gonna get married again,
have kids, be respectable. A well-respected family man, upstanding member
of this fine community. You're gonna be best man, 'cause you can't say no.
An' you're gonna get to make a speech, Benny! You're gonna tell everyone
about all the times I nearly ended up dead 'cause of you, and they're
gonna laugh. An' you're gonna tell them how I got my revenge by puttin' a
bullet in your back. I'm gonna laugh then." Ray turns to face his lover.
He can't see him. "You okay with that?" 

          Fraser sits at the table, hands clasped together, knuckles
white. He nods; he has no voice to speak with and less courage to speak
of. 

          "Few years down the line, I'm gonna have kids. A son – to carry
on the Vecchio name, you understand – and a beautiful daughter who's gonna
grow up to break hearts. She's gonna adore you. You're gonna be her
favourite uncle. You're gonna teach my kids how to fish, yeah? And how to
build a fire. And walk blind through a forest with the sun on your nose.
And know the difference between seeing justice done and getting revenge.
I'm gonna teach them how to shoot pool. An' when they're gone to bed and
my beautiful wife is out visiting friends, I'm gonna spend time with you.
You bein' my best friend and all that an' when we're together, in secret,
I'm gonna hold your hands in mine and tell you how much I love you and I'm
gonna kiss you and tell you again and I..." 

          Real and deadly ammunition. And it had seemed like such a simple
question. Fraser covers his face with his hands and sits in silence. In
secret. Ray wipes his face and carries on talking in spite of not wanting
to, because he knows he has to. He's the only other person who can. 

          "I'm gonna tell you I love you an' I miss bein' with you. An'
I'm gonna tell you how much I need you an' how bad I want you an' you're
gonna look at me an' I'll wanna make love to you. Gonna ask if that's okay
– Can I please? – an' wait for you to say no an' I know you won't an' when
you say yes, I'm gonna cry. Happy tears, sad tears, whatever. An' we're
gonna make love an' it'll be so damned good! It's always so damned good,
Fraser! Too good for me an' never good enough for you but you're not gonna
complain. You're gonna just lie there an' open yourself to me an' I'm
gonna take exactly what I need, what I want from you. I'm gonna have it
all. Beautiful wife, wonderful kids, outstanding career, respect of the
community. An' I'm gonna have you too. My cherry on the cake. You'll be my
cherry, won't you?" 

          The only other person who can talk about this says Yes. He says
it quietly but there is no doubt in the quietness. 

          "An' after we make love I'm gonna tell you over and over and
over I love you I love you I love you an' I gotta shower before I get
dressed so's I can go home. Socially acceptable. Morally upstanding.
Life's gonna be just great, just perfect, so long as I ignore the choking
feeling. The blackness inside me. The part of my soul deals with truth an'
all that kinda stuff? Yeah, that's gonna rot inside of me, gettin' blacker
and blacker and creepin' through me like a cancer. A little bit more of
me's gonna rot away every time." 

          Fraser moves to stand behind Ray at the window. He puts his arms
around his lover, kisses him on the back of the neck, holds him. "You
can't think like that, Ray." 

          A laugh mists the window. "I can, Fraser. An' I will. We both
know it. An' y'know somethin' else? It's all gonna be for nothin' 'cause
when I'm old an' all my hair's gone, my beautiful wife's gonna tell me she
knows about you. She's gonna pour me a cup of coffee at breakfast an' say
she's known since the beginning. How? I ask, an' she's gonna tell me, I
saw the way you looked at him on our wedding day. An' now it's him or us.
Choose me and you get to keep the house, the kids, the job, the life, the
lie. Choose him, you get nothin'. Less than nothin'. Choose what society
say I can have or lose everything." 

          "Stop it, Ray. You can't possibly know it'll be like this." 

          Ray doesn't hear, even though his lover's mouth – how he loves
to devour that mouth! – is against his ear. "But what's the difference?
What society says I can have ain't enough. I want it all." 

          He turns in Fraser's arms. Turns to face the man he loves. "And
I'm gonna call you, Fraser. Ask you to meet me somewhere so we can talk.
Somewhere open, safe, socially acceptable and I'm gonna tell you what I've
decided. And I'm gonna tell you I've chosen family. And you're gonna look
at me with these beautiful blue eyes" – closed, waiting to be kissed –
"and you're gonna do that thing with your eyebrow and you're gonna say I
understand, Ray. You're gonna wish me luck and then leave, not forgetting
to leave enough money to cover your half of the check. And I'm never gonna
see you again. And the rest of me's gonna turn black and die." 

          Fraser shakes his head, his eyes shut tight, brow furrowed. Ray
smoothes his lover's forehead, kisses the closed eyes again and then the
mouth. Then he asks: "How do you think it's gonna go?" 

          The dark head lifts and blue eyes regard him with complete
conviction. "Ray, I will do whatever I have to do. I will leave if you ask
me to leave. I will stay if you ask me to stay. If I stay, I will be to
you, I will do for you, whatever you ask. I will be your best man. I will
be your children's favourite uncle. I will be anything and everything you
want me to be, no matter what or when or why." 

          "I can't ask you to do that, Fraser. I won't! It ain't right!" 

          Ever the realist, Fraser shushes Ray with a gentle kiss. "No, it
isn't right. Neither is it right that we live as we do."  

          "So what's left?" 

          "We get your family together as soon as possible and tell them
the truth." 

*

 

Ray paces for hours. He paces round the compass, through ten thousand
degrees. He is silent throughout his circular voyage, silent as Fraser
sits on the bed, amidst the storm-tossed sheets and pillows and watches
him. 

          At the end of the summer-short night, Ray reaches a decision.
His pacing slows and his eyes lock onto Fraser's tired gaze. "We don't
have to tell them. We don't have to tell anyone." 

          Tired eyes close slowly, then open. "Ray, listen to yourself. We
cannot continue like this. This situation has to be resolved in one way or
another." 

          Ray stops pacing, and stands in the middle of the room, gently
swaying and staring. "How?" 

          Fraser moves from the bed to take Ray in his arms. "I want to be
able to come to you openly, love you openly, spontaneously, without fear.
I want to be able to face your family and know that they accept, are maybe
even happy. Even if they know and aren't happy and only come round when
they see how happy we are. I want you to myself, twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week, three hundred and sixty four and a quarter days a year,
until the day I die. I want to be able to whisk you away for a weekend
with only fifteen minutes and a bunch of roses notice, without having to
conceal how much I love you." 

          "In a perfect world, Benny," Ray whispers, shaking his head.
Then he looks directly into his lover's eyes, his face devoid of any
evidence that he might be doubting himself or what he has to say. "Is this
world perfect, Fraser?" 

          "I don't understand what you mean." 

          "Our world, the one we share here, just you and me. D'you think
it's perfect?" 

          Fraser smiles at the childlike tone. "Yes, Ray. I do." 

          "And if this was all there was, we'd be happy?" 

          Such games are played in childhood the world over. They can be
children here, in their own world. "Yes, I believe so." 

          "So, if we make it so this is all there is, things will be
perfect." 

          "I'm not sure I follow you." 

          Ray takes Fraser's hands in his and kisses him. "Just come with
me. Let me show you." 

*

 

They go to the Vecchio family home. Ray makes absolutely certain that the
house will be empty, will echo with his voice and Fraser's only, until
tomorrow. 

          As the heavy front door closes behind Francesca's retreating
back, Ray turns to Fraser and smiles. "I can't get the family together. I
can't announce that we're in love, so no applause no cheerin', no tears of
happiness, no blessing. We can't go to the twenty-seventh an' tell them.
We can't go to the consulate an' tell them. I got no idea where the
prettiest church in Chicago is, so we can't get to exchange vows and rings
there. Does mean we don't have to sit through speeches an' everyone
wishin' us all the best while lyin' through their teeth. You, me an' the
wolf see the sun set through the windshield of the Riv as we head west to
live happily ever after." 

          Fraser sits on the second stair, and smiles. "I believe I will
like that very much, Ray. However, I should point out that you have
omitted something." 

          Kneeling on the lower stair, Ray takes Fraser's face in his
hands and kisses his mouth with a fierce passion. Without releasing him,
Ray moves backwards until he is kneeling on the hall floor. Fraser slides
from the second stair to the first stair to the floor, and sits
cross-legged in front of his lover. 

          Ray's shirt is unbuttoned and removed, folded to pillow Fraser's
head on the cool floor. Fraser's shirt buttons are overlooked; Ray simply
tears the shirt front apart, then runs his tongue over Fraser's exposed
flesh, even as his hands are unbuttoning his lover's faded blue denim
jeans. 

          For several minutes they lie there in the hallway, on the floor,
flesh against flesh, mouth against mouth. 

          Without warning, Fraser twists underneath Ray to put the man
beneath him. Clothes warmed by soft, hot skin lie cooling, strewn on the
floor's silky surface. The smell of sex drifts across the hallway, curling
into and sweetened by the thick perfume from a fistful of crimson roses
standing upright, heads held high, in a vase on the floor. 

          Ray opens his eyes at the sound of his name. 

          "I want us to go upstairs," Fraser murmurs. "I want to make love
to you in your bed, in your room, in your house." 

          "We can do that, Fraser," Ray whispers back. "If you wanna carry
me." 

          Fraser lifts Ray into his arms with ease, carries him to his
room and lays him down on his bed. They kiss one more time before Fraser
moves to kneel between his lover's feet. 

          "Perfect night, Benny," Ray says. "What you gonna do?" 

          "I'm going to caress your penis with my lips and my tongue, and
I'm not going to stop until you come in my mouth. Then I'm going to ask
you to do the same for me." 

          Ray lets out a shuddering breath. "Oh, boy," he smiles. "Okay,
you gotta deal." 

          Fraser smiles back. "I love you, Ray." Lowering his head, he
closes his mouth around his lover's tumescent penis. 

          Ray's back arches and his head goes back into the soft pillows.
Fraser spares him neither a look nor any mercy. He is relentless. Saliva
dribbles into the short, tight curls at the base of Ray's penis, slowly
down over his balls, clinging to the sweat moist skin as it traces a path
due south over his perineum, down into the dimple of his anus. 

          Ray's hands flutter over Fraser's head on the down stroke. As
the dark head comes up, Ray takes two handfuls of hair and shoves down
hard. Fraser allows him this, draws him deeper into his mouth, lives with
the discomfort because it's only a matter of time. 

          Now. "Ahhhh..." Ray's voice rises in a crescendo to a scream.
"Ahhhh... oh fuck fuck fuck, Fraser!" he yells, going rigid, coming into
the hollow of Fraser's throat. 

          Fraser sucks Ray dry and then releases him. "I love you," he
says again, his voice tight in his throat, the words sticky in his mouth.
His bruised lips shine, as do his eyes. "Nothing will ever change that." 

          Ray puts out his arms and gathers Fraser to him. "Who gave you
the right to be so good at that, Benny?" 

          "You did. Make love to me, Ray." 

          Fraser doesn't say a word as Ray pushes him onto his back, holds
him down amidst soft sheets and down-filled pillows. He murmurs 'I love
you' over and over and over as Ray covers him with kisses, explores him
with his fingers. He gasps a breath as Ray's mouth closes hot and wet
around his erect penis. 

          He breathes in synchrony with Ray's tonguing, with his licking
and sucking. He pants hard as Ray's throat opens to him. He chants his
lover's name as his body reaches the point of no return. He shouts out
loud, so loud as he comes, flooding Ray's throat with semen, salty and
warm. He trembles as he is sucked dry and licked clean. 

          He sighs as Ray lays down beside him. "That was perfect, Ray,
just perfect. Thank you so much." 

          "Uh-huh," Ray nods, wiping his mouth. He tugs a sheet over the
two of them and sighs deeply. "Benny, there's something I gotta ask you,
and I need you to be honest with me." 

          Fraser turns his head and frowns up at his lover. "Am I not
always honest?" 

          Ray nods. "Yes, you are but what I need now is the very first
thought that comes into your head. I don't want you to think, or ponder,
or debate, or weigh up the issues, or have a whole conversation with the
voices in your head. I gotta have your first answer." 

          Fraser is silent for a moment and then smiles. "What if my first
thought happens to be one regarding the hairs up your nose?" 

          Ray laughs out loud, looks down at Fraser's face, his beaming
smile. "I don't think it's gonna be, Fraser, but if it is we'll deal with
it, okay?" 

          "Of course, Ray," Fraser agrees, pushing himself up so his head
and Ray's head are at the same level. 

          Ray regards him solemnly. "Remember you told me if I asked you
to stay with me, you would? You said you'd do anything I asked?" 

          "'I will be to you, I will do for you, whatever you ask.'"
Fraser quotes, verbatim. "Yes, I remember." 

          "And you meant it?" Ray looks down at his hands, loosely clasped
in his lap. "I mean, really meant it." 

          Fraser twists slightly to get a better look at his lover's
serious face. "Yes, Ray. I meant every word." 

          Ray takes a deep breath to steady his trembling. "If I asked you
to be with me for the rest of your life, would you do it?" 

          "Yes, Ray." Fraser's acceptance is unambiguous. "Ray, when do
you intend to ask the question for which you require my honest,
first-thought-to-come-into-my-head answer?" 

          Ray shrugs. "I gotta find the right words," he says quietly. "No
use if I don't got the right words." 

          "Ray, as long as I can understand the whole of what you say, the
individual words needn't necessarily be the ones you might consider the
most appropriate." 

          Ray sits in silence. 

          "Just tell me when you want my first answer, Ray. We can just
talk until then." 

          "Yeah, we can do that," Ray nods. "Okay, so tell me honestly,
Fraser. First answer you got, I want. If I ask you to sacrifice everything
you have so's we can be together, will you do it?" 

          Fraser turns Ray's face towards him. He looks deep into the
green eyes that hold his own. They are filled with so much love, so much
need, so much hope. One second passes, and it lasts a lifetime. "Yes, Ray.
I will." 

*

 

From the car they gaze out over the lake. They hold hands and they kiss.
Openly now, spontaneously, without fear. 

          Then, knowing that they could be observed at their journey's
penultimate destination, they make love.  

          From the car, they gaze out at the lake for a long time. In
their perfect world, it is the first time. In their perfect world, what
seemed like such a simple question receives its final answer. They drive
in silence to their final destination. 

*

 

"Benny?" 

          "Mmm? Did you say something, Ray?" 

"I did. You were on your home planet again." 

          "Sorry?" 

"Lights on an' no one home? Earth to Fraser?" 

          "Really?" 

"Miles away, Benny." 

          "I was thinking, Ray." 

"Again?" 

          "I was going to ask you something." 

"Okay. Well, go on then, Benny." 

          "To tell you the truth, I have no idea what it was I was going
to say." 

"So we can go now, yeah?" 

          ""Where are we going?" 

"Your place, Fraser. Like we do every evening after I pick you up from
work." 

*

 

Finis

 

*

       

'Fortunately, in her kindness and patience, Nature has never put the fatal
question as to the meaning of their lives into the mouths of most people.
And where no one asks, no one needs to answer.' Carl Gustav Jung 

       

  

 ©pj@cybergal.com

Written 3 November 1999.

 

Disclaimer: Due South is the property of Alliance. This is non-profit fan
fiction written for private consumption only. Any violation of any
existing copyright(s) is not intended.