Killer Klowns From Kanada   Thanks to Celeste, Fiona, Mary and Dale for
their generous help! As for the title -- well, if it makes all of you
happy ... KILLER KLOWNS FROM KANADAby Katrina Bowen "A clown is trying to
kill me, Ray." Ben looked anxiously around the corner of the booth toward
the door of the cafe. Ray blinked. Normally, Fraser treated people trying
to murder him with the utmost respect, and to hear the Mountie referring
to someone as a clown was a bit disconcerting. All the same ... "Just calm
down and tell me what happened." He reached down and gave Dief half of his
sandwich; Fraser didn't even seem to register it, let alone give both of
his friends a lecture on the proper diet of wolves. Now Ray was really
worried. Ben took a deep breath. "After I got off duty at the consulate, I
went back to my apartment. I opened the door and went to the window. When
I opened the shade, there was someone waiting on the fire escape." He
pulled something wrapped in a handkerchief out of his pocket and laid it
on the table in front of Ray. "Then he threw a knife at me." "Jesus." Ray
carefully unwrapped the knife and looked at it, making sure he didn't
touch it. He looked up. "What did you do, Benny?" "Obviously, I ducked,"
he said in a brittle voice. Before Ray could answer, Ben shook his head
and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Ray. I shouldn't take this out on you.
It's just so -- surreal." "It's okay. Don't worry about it. I mean, you've
had plenty of people trying to kill you, right? You should be used to it
by now." "Not like this, Ray." Ben looked to the doorway again. "This is
rather more -- peculiar than the other incidents." "Look, let's start with
the basics. Can you give me a description of this guy?" "Oh, yes. But you
won't believe me," Ben said a little hopelessly. "Of course I'll believe
you." "Even if you do believe me, you won't like it." He was staring at
his water glass. "Benny, just tell me what he looked like." Ray took out a
small notebook. "Did he have any distinguishing features?" Ben sighed
heavily and looked Ray in the eye. "More or less what you would expect. He
had a white face and a big red mouth. He had blue, fuzzy hair -- oh, and a
large, red, round nose." Ray concentrated on taking deep, even breaths.
When he trusted himself to speak he said, "Let me get this straight. When
you said some clown was trying to kill you --" "Actually, Ray, I said *a*
clown was trying to kill me." "So you don't mean clown as an insult." "No.
I mean a particular, specific clown is trying to kill me." This time Ray
looked to the doorway. He regretfully concluded that there was no way to
avoid dealing with this. "You think I'm making this up, don't you, Ray?"
Ben looked depressed and even more hopeless. He rose slightly, as if
preparing to leave. Ray reached out quickly to grab his wrist. "I gotta
admit, Benny, my life would be a lot easier if I didn't believe you. But I
do." As Ben sat down slowly, Ray continued. "First of all -- I mean,
you're my friend, so I can tell you this, no offense meant -- you are the
absolutely worst liar I've ever met. You obviously *believe* a clown is
trying to kill you, so I'll accept that's what you saw." He released Ben's
wrist and took a drink of coffee. "Secondly, if you were going to make
something up, it'd have igloos or polar bears or something," he added
casually. "Well, Ray, that's not necessarily true." Seeing Ray's skeptical
expression, Ben went on defensively. "If I were to choose to lie, I think
I'd be -- well, not *good*, perhaps, but I'm sure I could be quite
convincing." "Do you remember when you were trying to get Thatcher away
from that dinner with her boss? Do you remember what you came up with?"
Ray finally let himself smile -- Fraser was starting to relax. "That was
on the spur of the moment. Given enough time, I could do much better, I'm
sure." "Yeah, I'd hope so. Anything would be better than 'Your car is on
fire and the other cars feel threatened.' Face it, Benny -- you just don't
have the knack." He stood and gave the remainder of his sandwich to Dief.
"Come on -- let's go down to the precinct and see what we can find out."
"All right." Ben rose to follow. "But the next time Diefenbaker needs to
be carried somewhere, you're going to be the one to do it. Do you have any
idea how much weight he's gained since coming to Chicago?" "Ah, he's just
big-boned ..."
**************************************************************************
** ***** For the first time all week, Elaine was glad she had pulled the
night shift. All right, she knew it was serious and all, and she was by no
means happy to hear that someone was trying to kill Ben. Still, any chance
to see him was something to be seized on. Throw in an opportunity to save
his live ... She grinned as the information she had been waiting for
started printing out. Tearing off the sheets, she walked quickly over to
Vecchio's desk. "I think I found something." Ben and Ray looked up from
the piles of folders they were attempting to sort through. They both stood
up -- Ray in order to stretch, and Ben out of courtesy. "Good, because
we're getting nowhere here. I had no idea there were so many cases of
homicidal Bozos. Do you think there's something in the makeup that drives
clowns insane? I mean, they're almost worse than postal workers." "Shut
up, Ray," Elaine said conversationally. "Okay." He sat back down. "What do
you have, Elaine?" Ben took the papers she offered him. "Two things. First
of all, would you believe there's a clown convention in town? It was hard
getting hold of someone this late, but I finally found someone who can
help us." "Great!" Ray stood back up. "Come on, Benny. Let's go check it
out." "You can save yourself the trip, Vecchio. If we fax them a
description, they can check it against their records." Ben and Ray looked
at each other. Before either could ask her, she explained. "It turns out
that clowns are pretty possessive about their makeup, so they all have to
register their designs. The woman I talked to -- who, incidentally,
introduced herself as Bubbles -- said that she can forward our clown's
description to the central registry." "Would it help if I drew a picture?"
Ben was already starting to sketch; his drawing was finished in about a
minute. "This is wonderful, Ben." "Why, thank you, Elaine. Although I must
admit that I'm not altogether satisfied with the width of the hair --"
"Yeah, it's real nice. But what's the second thing you were going to tell
us?" Ray broke in impatiently. Elaine sobered. "This isn't going to make
either of you any happier, I'm afraid. On a hunch, I checked for any
similar cases. There have been four Mounties killed in the past two months
-- one in Montreal, the others in Ontario. None of the cases have been
solved. Now, in one of the Ontario cases, the main suspect is the victim's
brother, so I think we can eliminate that one. However, a man across the
street in the Montreal murder reported seeing a clown leaving the
building. He was pretty drunk, though, so the Canadian authorities
dismissed his statement." Ray blew out his breath softly and looked at
Fraser. "Congratulations, Benny. You're not insane. Could you fax that
drawing, Elaine?" "Sure." She smiled and patted Ben on the shoulder. "I'm
not about to let anything happen to my favorite Mountie." "Come on,
Elaine. He's the *only* Mountie you know." "All the more reason to take
care of him." She walked back to her computer.
**************************************************************************
** ***** "Hey." Ray gently shook Ben's shoulder to wake him. As his friend
straightened up and rubbed at his eyes, Ray sat down across from him. Dief
also woke up, and sat so he could watch both men's lips. "Elaine got the
information she was after. The makeup is registered to a --" he looked
down at the printout "-- Reme Vavasour. Originally French Canadian, but
he'd been working in the States for the past ten years. He disappeared
from the circus he was with about four months ago, and told a friend that
a family member was dying in Canada." "Vavasour?" Ben frowned. "I know
that name ..." He closed his eyes, trying to remember. "It was in my
father's journals. But the first name wasn't Reme. I think it was --
Claud? Yes, I'm sure it was Claud." "Great. Who's Claud?" "Claud Vavasour
was part of a drug smuggling ring in the Territories. My father was in the
detail that broke it up. If I recall correctly, Vavasour was shot during
the raid, and lapsed into a coma." Ben paused. "I wouldn't be at all
surprised if all the dead Mounties were somehow involved in the raid. And
because my father is already dead, Reme had decided to kill me instead."
"Oh, this is wonderful." Ray rested his head in his hands. "We've got a
crazy clown with revenge on his tiny little mind." He looked up. "Why in
God's name would he go around killing people while he's wearing his
makeup? Even if he's nuts, he's gotta know that it'd only make him easier
to find." Ben shrugged. "Possibly he sees himself as some sort of -- agent
of retribution?" "What? The Red Nose of Reckoning?" "That's not at all
funny, Ray." But Ben was smiling as he said it. He looked at his watch.
"Oh dear. I'm going to be late for work. Will you keep me informed?" He
started to leave. "Wait a minute!" Ray ran after him. "You've been sitting
up all night trying to find out why a clown is trying to kill you, and
you're honestly thinking of going to work?" "Ray, I go on duty in an hour.
What am I supposed to tell Inspector Thatcher?" "Tell her the truth. Tell
her a crazed Quebecois clown is going to murder you." Ben stared at Ray in
disbelief. "She'd never believe me. She'd think I was lying." "Sometimes,
Benny, the truth is the best lie of all." Seeing Ben's stubborn
expression, Ray sighed and threw up his hands. "Fine. Go to work. But I'm
coming with you."
**************************************************************************
** ***** "Constable, I need you to deliver some papers for me --"
Inspector Margaret Thatcher jumped as she saw Ray Vecchio sitting in the
corner chair, reading a newspaper. "What are you doing here?" she demanded
in surprise. "Ah, sir, Detective Vecchio is here to -- that is, he --" Ben
floundered for a few moments, and Ray broke in smoothly. "Seeing as how
the constable is always spending *his* free time around the precinct, I
thought I'd show him how it feels." Meg didn't understand the look they
exchanged (raised eyebrows on Fraser's part, a beatific smile on
Vecchio's), but she decided it was something she didn't want to ask about.
She continued, "There are some work permits that need to be delivered to
the Duvalier - Furley Circus. Please do it as soon as possible." She
turned to leave, but stopped as Ray quickly stepped in front of her. "Oh,
that really isn't a good idea at all, Inspector. Isn't there someone else
who could do it?" This time it was Meg who raised her eyebrows.
"Unfortunately, Detective, everyone else is busy, and the documents must
be delivered by the end of the day. If you would, Constable?" "Of course,
sir." "Wait a minute!" Meg turned back in irritation. "Look, Fraser didn't
want me to tell you this --" "Ray, I don't think --" "-- but a clown is
trying to kill him. So he shouldn't go anywhere near a circus." "I ...
see." Meg turned to Ben. "May I see you in the hallway for a moment,
Constable Fraser?" With a helpless shrug at Ray, Ben followed her into the
corridor and pulled the door shut behind him. Meg turned to him and
hissed, "See? *This* is what happens when you hang around with Americans!
He's obviously lost his mind." "Oh, no. You see, it's really -- I mean,
there *is* actually ..." Ben gave up. "He means well, sir." "Just deliver
those documents, Constable." She walked away. Ben sighed and went back
into his office. "Well? What did she say?" Ray demanded. "Let's just say
that we're going to the circus."
**************************************************************************
** ***** "Benny ... Benny? Benny!" Ray took Fraser's arm and firmly
steered him away from the group of giggling aerialists who had cornered
him. "Excuse us, ladies." Shaking his head, he added more confidentially,
"You know, a moving target is much harder to hit. Didn't they teach you
anything in Mountie School?" "I'm sorry, Ray. It's just that they were so
-- insistant. Especially the one in the, ahhh --" Ben gestured vaguely at
his torso. "The feathers, yeah. I could tell. Now, there's no reason to
believe that Vavasour is with this particular circus. I've called out an
APB on him, so if we're lucky he'll be laying low. Hey -- where's Dief?"
"Oh, he's having a staring contest with one of the tigers. He'll be along
when he gets bored." "Fine. Let's just drop off those papers and get out
of here. The ringmaster said the manager's trailer is over past those
tents." They walked into the shadowed pathway between the two tents. "All
right." Ray and Ben both froze at the voice behind them. "Put up your
hands and turn around slowly." "You know, I suppose we really shouldn't be
surprised," Ben said calmly. "No. But I really hope that's one of those
guns that shoots out a flag that says 'BANG!' instead of bullets."
"Somehow, Ray, I doubt it." "Both of you, shut up!" Vavasour, still in his
clown makeup, was waving the gun between them. Ben took a half step in
front of Ray. "You know, Reme, it isn't too late to end this peacefully."
Ray stepped in front of Ben. "Right. So just give me the gun, and we can
talk about this, okay?" "Excuse me, Ray." Ben stepped in front of Ray
again. "Hey!" Ray elbowed Ben in the side and stepped in front of him.
"You're the one he really wants dead. Stay back there, willya?" "Actually,
Ray, that's why I think I should be in front." "What, you really believe
he's gonna shoot you, and then just leave me standing here?" "That's not
the *point*, Ray --" "Will you two be QUIET?" Vavasour shouted. He turned
sharply as he heard a menacing growl behind him. Ben reached out and
easily twisted the gun away. Vavasour turned around, speechless, as Ray
handcuffed him . Diefenbaker walked up, the remains of a caramel apple
stuck to his whiskers. "No, Ray, I'm afraid this is a real gun." "Yeah, I
kind of thought so. Well, it's about time you showed up, Dief," he said to
the wolf, who ignored him. "And where do you think *you're* going?" he
called after Ben. "To drop off these papers. The inspector was quite firm
on that point. I'll be back in a minute, Ray." Ray sighed. He said to
Vavasour, "You know, sometimes Mounties are more trouble than they're
worth. You have the right to remain silent ..." The End
******************** I like comments. Comments make me happy. Comments
bring meaning to my sorry little life. If you all want any more stories,
you *will* give me comments. Do we understand each other? Good. -- kb
Katrina Bowen -- kbowen@willowtree.com "Super heroes and evil twins go
together like peanut butter and -- and evil peanut butter!" _Earthworm
Jim_