Almost Doesn't Count   

Standard Disclaimer. I don't own them, but they'd make a lovely graduation
present, don't you think? Please send comments, questions, compliments,
and otters to sdelcul@mail.com. Revised, retitled, and rewritten for your
reading pleasure. * Indicates a line from the Sentinel (Switchman). -The
title means don't love me.  

Josh Young, heehee. Catherine, can you imagine what Josh and Frannie would
be like as a couple? Whee what a trip that would be. No me ames 

"See Benny, basketball is a sport. I'll even give you that curling and
hockey are too. This? This is NOT a sport. This is an excuse for color
blind people to get dressed up." 

"Ray, we're going to be late." 

"You gotta promise you won't laugh." 

"Ray-" 

"Promise me, Benny." 

"All right, I promise." 

"That goes for Dief too." Oh dear god, I'm asking a wolf not to laugh.
What has my life become? 

Fraser looked down at the wolf. "Humor him, okay?" 

Dief gave a loud whine. 

"Will you come out now? We promised Francesca we'd . . . " 

He stopped as the door opened and Ray came out. 

"How come you wear these clothes and look like you and I put them on and I
look like my nephews been in the crayon box?" 

"You look wonderful, Ray." Ben smiled with love in his eyes. 

"You're sweet. Blind, but sweet." 

 "I can't believe I volunteered for this." Ray watched as the mayor took a
swing and nudged the ball a few feet.  

"Francesca needs the business for her venture, Ray. She wants to help you
take care of your mother and the family. It's a commendable act, Ray. 

"Thanks, Frase."  

They both jumped as she unexpectedly joined their conversation. "It's your
turn, Ray." 

"All right already. I'm going. Wish me luck." 

"Good luck, Ray." 

Francesca laughed delicately. "So Benton, do they have golf up in Canada?"


"Yes actually, we do. The first golf club established in the western
hemisphere was Canada's Royal Montréal Golf Club, founded in 1873. It
remains a popular sport today." 

"Really. Would you like to" she stepped closer and her voice dropped to a
husky suggestion, "teach me to play?" 

He took several steps back, looking around for Ray's help. "I, uh, I
believe it's my turn." He ran. 

 "Ray, Francesca is still making passes at me." 

"Sorry, Benny." His voice was muffled as he took of his bright sweater and
with a small noise of disgust threw it on the floor. "Just tell her you
got a girlfriend or something." 

"That's not true and you know it. Besides, she'd want to know who. " 

"So make somebody up. Use the Dragon Lady." 

"If you'd just tell your family. Maybe it's time." 

"Time to what? To break Ma's heart? Tell her that her son is, is . . . " 

"What, Ray? Her son is dating another man? Her son is having sex with a
man?" 

"Don't say that. It's more than just sex." 

"Is it?" 

"Ah, Benny. You know that's not true. You mean everything to me. I'm just
not ready broadcast my personal life to the entire world. You know what
happens to gay cops. But I promise, I'll tell Ma, soon." He reached up and
stroked Benny's face, brushing his lips with a soft kiss. "Let's not spend
our time arguing," he said, pulling him closer, "We've got better things
to do." He began unbuttoning Ben's shirt and laid kisses to the skin
below. With a soft sigh, Fraser let himself be distracted. 

Afterwards he lay on the bed, watching Ray got dressed. "Ray, why don't
you stay here tonight?" He sat up and reached for Ray, pulling Ray's hands
away from his tie and around himself as he embraced Ray. 

Ray hugged him and ran his hands down Fraser's sides with an imperceptible
sigh. "You know I can't stay. Ma'll get worried. I'll see you tomorrow" 

He watched, frustrated, as Ray finished getting dressed and left without
another word. 

Two weeks passed without incident. They went to work, did their respective
jobs, worked on cases together and spent most of their spare time
together. 

 He stepped out of the car and held the seat back for Dief. 

"Hey, Benny." 

"Yes, Ray?" 

"You're coming to dinner on Thursday night, right?" 

"Certainly, Ray." 

"Great. Maria and Tony took the kids to visit his parents for the week.
House seems kinda lonely without them. See ya." 

"Goodbye, Ray." 

 "Hello, Ray." 

"I got something for you. A surprise." 

Fraser waited expectantly. 

Ray grinned. "Guess who's got a date tonight." 

"Hmm. You and I?" 

Ray gave him a sneaky grin. "I hinted to Josh Young from the 15th that
Frannie might be free tonight." 

No Francesca. That meant it would be just Mrs. Vecchio. Meaning that Ray
could tell his mother and . . . and they wouldn't have to sneak around
anymore. Everything he'd ever wanted was in the palm of his hand. He had
the sudden urge to take Ray, on top of the Riv, in the middle of the
street. 

 "It's so nice to be having a quiet dinner with my two boys. Raymondo, I
know you had something to do with your sister's date for the evening. Now,
if only you had someone special in your life." She looked over at Benton
and smiled. "And you, Caro." 

He blushed and glanced at Ray, ready to follow his lead. For several
uncomfortable minutes, nobody said anything. Mrs. Vecchio started telling
Ray about something that had happened to one of his cousins and the
conversation moved on. He was stunned, mouth agape, as Ray ducked meeting
his glance to reply to his mother and he realized that Ray wasn't going to
tell her. Ray wasn't ever going to tell her. 

Oxygen did not seem to be reaching his brain cells. Pushing his chair
back, he stammered. "I'm sorry. I've got to go. There's, um, something I
have to do. I, uh, recently acquired a plant and I must water it and yes,
so thank you for dinner, Mrs. Vecchio, but I really have to go." 

"Nonsense, Benton. You know all my children call me Ma." She tapped her
cheek pointedly. 

Blushing, he gave her a quick peck and rushed out the door, leaving Ray to
make some quick excuses and run after him. Between shock at Fraser's
abrupt exit, traffic, and Fraser's unrelenting pace, he beat Ray to his
apartment by several minutes. Unfortunately, Fraser was not calming down;
he was only becoming more upset. 

"You promised, Ray. You promised me you were going to tell her." Ben was
watching him with narrowed, accusing eyes. 

"I can't, Fraser. I . . . " 

"I don't care to spend my life hiding the truth, Ray. I'm not going to
pretend to be someone I'm not." 

"No way, Fraser. I can't." 

"Ray . . . " 

"Are you giving me an ultimatum?" 

He couldn't breathe. Ultimatum. Ray thought this was an ultimatum. Was it?
Could he really walk away? Could he not? 

"You don't understand." Ray said frantically. Part of him wanted to strike
out and hurt Fraser for making him choose. "It's easy for you to say that.
Your entire family is dead. No one cares what you do." As soon as the
words were out, he regretted saying them.  

There was a stunned silence and Fraser's mouth dropped open in shock.  

"Oh my god. I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . . " 

"Yes, you did Ray. It's obvious how you really feel." 

"No, you've got it all wrong. I. . . " 

"You what? Never meant to hurt me? You care about me? I don't think so.
This," he gestured helplessly, "this was a game for you, wasn't it!
Something to take the edge off. So you wouldn't be lonely. I thought you
at least cared for me. Get out, Ray." 

Ray stepped toward him, hands raised to placate and distract him. 

"No. Get out." 

"Benny . . . " 

"You don't have that right anymore." 

"Benny, you don't understand." Ray implored. 

"I think I understand more than I wish." 

Pushing Ray toward the door, Fraser felt something inside of him growing
smaller, colder. When the door closed, he leaned on it, sliding down to
sit on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his knees and shuddered. He
blinked, gasping for air, but he couldn't cry. Couldn't let out whatever
he was feeling, too much his father's son. 

Hours later he was still slumped against the door. When the sun went down
he blindly cooked some food. Dumping the whole thing in Dief's dish, he
lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  

Empty, that's how he felt without Ray. I know I should feel something now.
Pain, anger, regret, something. But I don't. Ray left. He left me. He lied
to me. Ray's gone. He just walked away. I watched him leave. He's gone.
What am I supposed to do now? The words reverberated through his mind over
and over, making sleep difficult. If he could just breathe, if he could
just catch his breath, just let go, fly away, then he'd be fine. Just
fine. He needed a place to hide; Chicago held too many reminders. Just
keep moving somewhere where Ray couldn't find him.
  

 Ray was out the door in the car and half way home when he realized what
he was doing. Fraser was right. How could he say that he loved him if he
was ashamed to tell anybody? Why should Fraser believe him? Did Fraser
really mean more to him than anything?	

He pictured his life without Fraser. In a few short years Fraser had come
to be his entire world. Benny gave me unconditional, total love and I give
him nothing. If there's any chance of him forgiving me, I have to be
honest here. I hope I have the strength to tell her, otherwise I lose him.


 The entire drive to Fraser's apartment, he tried to think of what he
could say to Fraser. I cannot lose them both. I can't. If he'll only let
me explain-and apologize. Please, please, let him understand. 

He knocked on the door and received no answer but assumed that Fraser was
either ignoring him or out for a while. When he entered and found the
apartment empty, he sat down to wait. Eventually he fell asleep. Several
hours later he was awake, and hungry. He opened the refrigerator to find
something to eat and was shocked to find it empty. Quickly he checked the
cupboards, only to find them empty as well. Terrified he checked the rest
of the apartment. All of the furniture was still there but Fraser's sparse
personal possessions were all missing. On the window he noticed a note.
With a shaking hand and a sense of foreboding, he opened the looseleaf
sheet. 

Ray, 

I'm sorry. I don't want to fight anymore. It's too hard. I've always
become what everyone needed of me. The last thing I meant to do was to try
and change who you are. I messed up with Victoria, ruined her life, and
almost ruined yours as well. Now I've done it again. There's no excuse for
my actions, and it's difficult for me to talk about this, but I owe you an
explanation and I hope that you can understand. Ever since we met, you've
been there for me. I loved you from the moment you showed up at the diner.
You were my best friend. When I realized that I was in love with you, it
was so deep, that it never occurred to me that you might not want that. We
never made a commitment and I was wrong to assume that. I should have
realized that you have obligations. Your family is the most important
thing in your life and I overstepped my bounds. Not everything in your
life depends on me. I only have you and Dief to worry about. I shouldn't
have presumed. I gave you too many reasons for being alone. It's not your
fault. It's not anybody's fault. But I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I
hope that someday you can forgive me and that you'll find someone that you
can love. I just wish it had been me. 

Fraser 

He almost choked as he read the note. Shit shit shit shit. Dear god, what
had he done? Benny was in such pain and he'd caused it. It killed him to
know how much he had hurt his best friend. Shit 

 Week one. God Benny, where are you? Every time I think of you I remember
the look on your face at Ma's that night. I'll see that face every night.
I took a good hard look at myself that night and I wish I was blind. I
wish I could bring you back, make you see that I was wrong and I'm sorry.
You were wrong too; it wasn't nobody's fault. It was mine, pure and
simple. I'd give anything to hear your voice again because I keep turning
around to speak to you and there's just this empty space that just makes
me want to cry. I hate this silence I really do. I want to scream but it's
pointless. Where are you tonight? I need you, Benny. 

Week two. Thatcher finally told me where you were. I think I wore her out.
Since you've been gone, I've had a hard time making it through the night.
That's the hardest time, you know. Those nights with you were the only
things keeping me going some nights. Now I try and sleep with the lights
on so I'll forget what I lost. I know you don't want me to, but I'm coming
after you. Please don't blame me when I come crashing back into your life.
Just give me a moment please. Just one kiss and let me show you how I
feel. That's all I want. Then you can be free, if that's what you really
want. 

He allowed himself to stop then. He'd been running from his memories for a
long time. It was mentally exhausting. Now his body was as exhausted as
his feelings were. He memories were still there, biting at him daily. His
father's cabin contained too many memories as well, voices which spoke to
him from every corner. With nowhere else to turn, he'd gone to his sister
Maggie. And she, understanding his need to be alone, even as she didn't
know why, put him in her spare room. He'd never been a runner before. In
the more rural parts of Canada, where he'd always preferred to be
stationed, survival was more important. Now he ran daily. He'd taken a
three-week vacation from the RCMP to make some decisions. His second day
there, she convinced him to go jogging with her and he'd taken to running
anytime he began thinking too much. He wasn't an easy runner, after the
first mile, the shock pained his knees and ankles. 

 Snow. Each distinct flake felt wonderfully numbing against his skin. It
would be so easy to stop running now. Let the snow cover him, smother him.
Let it block every sound from reaching him. He wanted to stop and lie
down. He deserved the rest didn't he? Just for a minute. A minute of
peace, alone. He closed his eyes.  

When he opened them again, he realized that his fingers were numb. He knew
how very close he'd come to letting the snow take him and it terrified
him. Running flat out back to his room, he showered and changed into a
clean pair of RCMP sweats before lying down, trying not to think about
what had almost happened.  

 
 When he walked into the room, he spotted him on the bed. "Fraser?" He was
ignored. "I'm sorry." Nothing. 

He lay down on the bed, and Ben shifted to avoid touching him. Ray took a
deep breath, "I told her," he whispered, looking into Benny's eyes. "I
told her." 

Benny watched Ray enter the room. He didn't speak as Ray lay down next to
him. It hurt too much to be so near to Ray and not touch him but it would
hurt more to let the situation continue. He had to shield himself from
being hurt again but around Ray his heart had always been unprotected and
wide open. When Ray spoke the first time, he almost didn't believe it. He
wanted so desperately to forgive Ray, but he didn't know if he could take
the risk of getting hurt. 

"I'm sorry Be-Fraser I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just I-I guess I was
taking you for granted. With everyone else I have to be so careful and I
always have to worry about just when they're going to hate me. I just
thought that I could finally just be without having to be Ray the dutiful
son or the protective brother or Ray the cop or Ray the not good enough.
And I'm so sorry that I hurt you, and I know I have no right to expect you
to forgive me or anything but I-oh god Benny I can't lose you too."  

Fraser felt the pain behind Ray's words and it blasted through his
undeniably weak defenses instantly. He pulled Ray into his arms even
though it hurt to be near him. 

Ray felt him begin to stiffen and pull away and he pulled himself closer,
holding on as tightly as he could. "No way. I'm not letting go. This time
I'm not letting you go." 

"Ray, please. I can't do this again. It hurts too much. Please, just go
away and leave me alone." 

"No way Benny. There's something I have to ask you. I wish you would
believe me but I guess I understand why you're scared to. I hope this will
convince you to give me another chance." He pulled out a key. "After I
told Ma, I started looking for an apartment. I want you to move in with
me." 

"Ray. You don't have to do this. I understand, really. I didn't think it
would matter to me. I never worried about what everyone else thought of
me. Most people think of me as some kind of freak. But I've always cared
what you think of me, Ray. And if you're embarrassed or ashamed of me then
that hurts. I'm not asking you to choose between me and your family. But I
can't take this anymore. I've never been enough for anyone, not my father,
not Canada, and now not you. I came to Chicago because I wasn't good
enough to prevent my father's murder. I stayed because I wasn't good
enough to not embarrass my country. If I'm not good enough for you now,
then what reason do I have to stay there? It's not your fault. It's me." 

"You're wrong Fraser. For once in your life you're wrong. It isn't you. It
was never you. I'm the one who was afraid. I didn't have the guts to stand
by you. I took the easy way out and I hurt you. Please, let me make it up
to you." He could see it wasn't enough. "This is all about you being
scared*. You're terrified that I'm gonna hurt you like she did." 

"And haven't you?" 

"It's not the same. I just felt like everything was going too fast." He
rushed to continue, knowing Fraser was about to interrupt. "I know what
you're thinking. I can see the questions forming in your eyes. You're
thinking 'how is this any different?'" 

"Ray, don't you realize this is just as fast?" 

"No, Benny. It isn't. Time moves too fast. I realized that while I was
sitting there, time was slipping away and taking you with it. I know what
I want. What my heart wants. I'm not just going to let you walk away from
me. I'm not watching you leave again." 

"I know you mean well, Ray. Your intentions are good, they always were.
But I've been here before. Too many times." He pulled away from Ray and
sat on the edge of the bed, facing away. "I'm not sure I believe in love
anymore. I thought that if I waited long enough, it would be there when
you held me. Don't worry about me, Ray, I'll be fine." His voice changed,
as if he was no longer talking to Ray but to himself. "I've been alone
before. You'll see that it's time to move on, to someone who can make you
happy. I need you to be happy." 

"You think it'll be so easy then, don't you. You've got it all planned
out, all sane and logical. I won't have to be in love with you. I won't
even have to see you. We'll go back to being strangers and it'll be like
this whole thing never happened. I'll lose the best thing that ever
happened to me because I'm a little untrusting, and you'll stay locked up
behind those walls and it'll be all my fault." 

"It's not your fault. You just realized that it was time to move on before
I did." 

Ray was losing hope for the first time. He'd been reckless with Ben's
heart and now he was seeing the consequences. He hadn't cried since he was
four and he'd scraped his knee. His mother had kissed his boo-boo and made
everything okay. Fighting tears, he realized he didn't have the words to
change Ben's mind. He only had his actions to step back on. And they had
already said too much. Suddenly exhausted, he lay down on the bed and
curled into a ball. 

"Ray, what's wrong?" 

He shook his head, not wanting to answer, unable to answer. Feeling the
bed shift as Ben lay down near him he curled up tighter. A hand touched
his shoulder, pulled away, and gently returned. 

"Talk to me." 

"Too late." 

"What's too late?" 

"Me." He was cold now, shivering in the warmth of the room. Closing his
eyes, he waited for the world to stop. 

Hesitantly Fraser asked. "Too late for what?" 

Trying to hide, Ray didn't answer. 

Ben grew worried as Ray stopped responding to him. "Ray." He shook the
shoulder nearest him. 

"No." Ray whispered. 

"Ray. Look at me, please?" A hunch told him to keep asking. "Too late for
you to what?" 

The answer was barely audible. "Love you." 

 When he came to, he was in his briefs, leaning against a warm back, with
arms wrapped around him. Turning his head to look back he was surprised to
see Ben behind him. 

"Awake are we?" 

He trembled at the warmth in his voice, afraid he was dreaming. 

"It's not a dream, Ray." 

"What happened?" 

"You passed out. That's what happens when you don't eat or sleep." 

"I couldn't." He shrugged. 

"Think you could eat now?" Ben started to stand. 

Ray pulled at him. "Wait. Don't go. Please?" 

"I'm just getting you something to eat. I'll be right back. I promise." 

Ray let him go but green eyes followed each and every step he took away,
not quite trusting that he would come back. Within thirty seconds, he had
some sandwich's and fruit on a tray. Placing the tray on the night stand,
he pulled Ray into his arms again. "Here, eat. 

He began running a comforting hand over Ray's thigh as he managed to eat
half a sandwich and an apple. Seeing that Ray couldn't eat any more, he
placed the tray on the night stand again and moved down so he was spooned
beside Ray. 

"What changed?" Ray whispered hesitantly. "Last thing I remember, you were
leaving me and nothing I could say would change your mind. You were
looking for a place to hide." 

"I guess in a way I was. After," He took a deep breath. "After Victoria, I
promised myself that I wouldn't do that again. I wouldn't let anyone in my
heart to hurt me. I was stupid and naive and I overcompensated. I became
so untrusting of your motives that I missed the point." 

"Which is?" 

"I love you. You love me." 

"How did you know?" 

"You said it. Right before you passed out. You said it was too late and
that you loved me." 

"Are we okay?" 

"We still need to talk but yes, we're okay. Why don't we sleep a little
first?" 

Ray's reply was overshadowed by his wide yawn. 

Ben pulled Ray closer and closed his eyes. Feeling Ray's arms tighten
around him, he smiled.