He had to wonder why he was here	

The rating for this story is NC-17 for the part 1 only, the rest is R for
mature content and is labeled at such. 

TEASER: Serious Ray K angst warning. Ray is lonely and seeks comfort
from... This story is #11 in the 'Layers' series. Please note: even though
'A Truth Once Spoken' is not a part of the 'Layers' series, this story is
a sequel to it. It is necessary to read it first.  

All original due South characters are the property of the geniuses who
created them. No infringement of copyright is intended. No profit is made
or expected from this story. Please do not reprint or post to any other
site without my express written permission. 'One is a Lonely Number' is ©
March 2000. One is a Lonely Number  by Shirley Russell
mailto:robsure@earthlink.net 

He had to wonder why he was here. It was the middle of the afternoon, but
she had called, and hey, he certainly was never one to refuse a request
from a beautiful woman. The "Closed" sign hung on the door, and he wasn't
even sure there was anyone was inside. But he knocked just the same, and
was mildly surprised when the door opened, just wide enough for him to
slide in. 

The shades were drawn over the front windows, giving the interior of the
room a dusty, dusky glow. He was very surprised to see the way she was
dressed. She usually wore much more conservative clothing. But, holy shit,
not today. Short shorts and a crop top, so cropped that it barely covered,
well, it didn't leave a whole lot to the imagination. He found her
appearance very hot. 

He was about to ask her what was up, when she moved in very close and
placed one finger lightly to his lips. With her other hand she took his
hand and brought it to her lips, in the most sensual gesture he had ever
felt. Moist lips and just the faint touch of her tongue caressed the palm
of his hand. 

Against only a faint objection on his part, she pulled him behind her, up
the stairs and into the second bedroom. He vaguely realized he had not
been in this room since the day they helped them move in. He was also
vaguely aware that he should object to what he knew was about to happen,
but he had no idea exactly how to do that, even if he had wanted to. 

She was still holding one hand as she took his other, and in the same
sensual gesture, brought his palm to her lips. She studied his palm for
several seconds and then looked over it and up into his eyes. She had such
beautiful blue eyes, he found it almost impossible to resist drawing her
close to him and leaping right into those eyes. As he watched her, she
began to smile. 

She stepped even closer and brought his hands to her bare midriff. Her
skin felt like he had always imagined it would, soft, kind of like warm
silk. Skin he could touch for the rest of his life and never tire of. As
he slid his hands around her belly and up her back, he knew there was no
turning back, even if he wanted to, which he absolutely did not. 

It only took one brief movement for him to divest her of the skimpy top
and reveal a wonderfully arousing black lace bra, a bra that just barely
covered the creamy white skin of her breasts. He had always known she was
well endowed, but he could never have dreamed of the loveliness that he
discovered as he released her from the ebony lace. 

His hands cupped her reverently as his thumbs gently stroked her already
taught nipples. He forced his eyes to travel up her body to her face. The
smile he saw there was his invitation. Allowing himself to leap into her
eyes, he no longer knew where he was, but he sure as hell knew what he was
doing. 

After giving his undivided attention to her breasts for several minutes,
he felt the strain of his growing erection too powerful to ignore. He
pushed her toward the bed, still suckling at her breast. When he realized
she wasn't moving, he reluctantly released her and looked into her eyes.
She was silently shaking her head. 

He watched in awe as a slow, sly smile moved across her lips. His entire
body shuddered in anticipation. She tugged his T-shirt out of his jeans
and ran her hands slowly up his chest to his nipples. Her fingers worried
and teased at them for several moments, eliciting a low moan from very
deep within him. Her smile deepened as she replaced her fingers, first
with her lips and then her tongue. 

When he could no longer ignore the sensations she had awakened in him, he
gently pushed her shoulders downward. She trailed kisses down to the rivet
at the waist of his jeans as she knelt before him. Without removing her
lips or tongue, her hands deftly unfastened and then pushed aside the
barrier of his clothing.  

Her mouth and hands continued their downward journey and caressed his
erection, through the thin cotton fabric of his shorts. The sensation was
like nothing he had ever felt, and he was sure he would loose his mind to
sensory overload.  

He saw stars when she pulled the fabric aside and caressed him gently with
her hand. Those stars started exploding before his eyes as she massaged
his erection and trailed not so gentle nips along his inner thighs. His
knees threatened to fail him when she took his balls in her mouth and
began to suck. 

After several excruciating minutes she finally replaced her hand with her
mouth. He was sure he cried out as she took in the full length of him. He
felt a hot, wet cocoon encase him as she began to suck him into oblivion.
He felt her cup his ass and knead, as she continued to deep throat him.  

"God, Kerri...yes, oh, God, yes..." he screamed as he came, thrusting over
and over again into the hot cocoon of her mouth... 

Ray Kowalski was awakened by his own shouts, arms flung out to his sides,
sheets knotted in his fists and tangled around his feet, the product of
his dream spewed across his belly. He was naked and so cold. His body was
cold, but even more so was his heart. He threw his forearm over his eyes
as the tears came. "Aw, shit!" ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

(the remainder of this story is rated R for disturbing content) 

It was a very long time before Ray could pull himself together enough to
get ready for work. His dream had shaken him to the core, and this was not
the first time. However, he could only just now begin to admit where the
dream had come from, and he did not like the admission, not one little
bit.  

He was supposed to pick Fraser up at the Consulate this morning, but he
just didn't know if he could do it. He knew that if he ran into Turnbull
the betrayal of his friend would be written all over his face. In the end
he left a message for Fraser saying something had come up. 

He hated himself for his growing attraction to Kerri, and knew he needed
to cancel his evening chess game with her too. There was no one he could
turn to, no one to whom he felt he could admit his shameful secret. He'd
just have to live with the pain of it. So now, not only was he cold, but
he was lonely, and so very empty. 

Somewhere in the early afternoon Ray finally realized that he could not
live like this. He looked at the mounds of paper on his desk and accepted
the fact that he had gotten absolutely nothing done today, and knew he
would never be able to concentrate on work again. He needed to talk to a
friend, needed to just be around someone who could stand his company and
bull shit with him. Not talk about anything important, and definitely not
about, well not about anything specific, just someone to help warm up the
cold that had wrapped itself around his heart. That someone was Fraser. If
he hurried he could get in to see Fraser while Turnbull was out for lunch.
Turnbull always went home for lunch... who wouldn't, with someone like
Kerri waiting for him? 

He parked the GTO in it's usual spot and ran into the building he had come
to know as well as his own home, the Canadian Consulate. No one was
guarding Canada on the outside, and no one was there to welcome him to
Canada in the foyer. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Turnbull anywhere to
be seen, thank God. But also no Thatcher, or Fraser for that matter. Where
was everybody? It was just a fleeting thought as he hurried on to Fraser's
office. 

He didn't bother to knock. He never knocked, why should he knock? What he
burst in upon taught him, in that one fleeting moment, the importance of
the simple action of applying knuckles to wood. What he burst in upon also
caused his cold heart to turn over in his chest. 

His partner and his friend, his best friend, Constable Benton Fraser had
his back to the door, and was hunched over, facing his desk. There was
another occupant in the room, Ray knew, because he could see a pair of
shapely legs wrapped around Fraser's waist and crossed at the ankles
behind his back. 

When Fraser turned toward the door in surprise, Ray could see Inspector
Thatcher, perched on Fraser's desk, lips swollen from passionate kissing,
and cheeks red from profound embarrassment. Fraser snatched his hands from
inside her blouse, as she hurriedly untangled her hold on his Sam Browne. 


Fraser gulped. "Ah...Ray. I...that is we..." 

"Sonofabitch!" Ray turned and hurried out of the Consulate.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray sped off in his old, familiar, comfortable GTO. Right now he believed
it was the only thing he had left in the world that he could count on, the
only thing in his life that was constant, the only thing that he could
depend on to not let him down. 

He drove around in some vague direction or other for at least an hour,
before he realized that he couldn't see for the tears in his eyes, and the
pain in his chest. There was nothing he could imagine that could possibly
happen to make this day any worse.  

After another hour of aimlessly driving through city traffic he found
himself on La Salle, just a few blocks from the bookshop. He needed a
friend, and even though he knew he had betrayed his second best friend
through dreams of Kerri, Ray prayed that Turnbull would be home from work.
 ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

He drove past the shop three times before he could bring himself to park
the car. Any other day he would be counting his blessings for finding a
parking place right in front, but today he cursed his luck. He wouldn't be
able to sit there and argue with himself for very long before one of them
noticed him. 

'Hell with it!' He slammed the door of his beloved baby, and went to find
his sole remaining human friend.  ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Today was just not poor Ray's day for luck. Kerri saw him as soon as he
walked through the door. First she smiled at him, but taking a closer look
she frowned deeply. She excused herself from her customer and went to Ray.


"Ray, what's wrong?" Being engaged to a cop, especially the Renfield
Turnbull kind of cop, caused Kerri to be alarmed whenever another cop
looked at her like this. 

Ray shuffled his feet and refused to meet her eyes. "Ah...um...Turnbull
here? I need ta talk ta him a sec." 

"No. He called to say something came up..." 

"Yeah, right. Sumpthins's up at the Consulate, all right." 

Kerri did not understand his sarcasm. "Anyway, he's going to be late. Ray,
what's wrong? How can I help?"	

"I gotta go. I'll come back some other time..." He turned to leave, but
Kerri grabbed his sleeve. 

"Oh no, you don't! Go into the tearoom and sit down. I'll be there in just
a minute." 

"Nah, really, I gotta go..." 

"No! If I have to carry you, I am not letting you leave here looking like
this. You look like you just lost your best friend." She saw him cringe,
and was instantly alarmed again. Having police officers for friends was
not always easy. "Go in and sit!" She pushed him in the right general
direction, and went to finish with her customer.  

Neither one of them noticed a blonde woman lingering in the mystery
section. She was trying to act as inconspicuous as possible while watching
and listening to everything that was being said with rapt attention. The
woman left the shop just as Kerri was ringing up the last customer's sale.


When the customer left the shop Kerri placed her 'I'll be back in 30
minutes' sign in the window, and locked the door. She then took a deep
breath and hurried in to see about her friend. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Kerri hurried in to the tearoom to find Ray sitting at the counter, his
face buried in his hands. Kerri had never seen him like this, and it
scared her. She pulled out the stool next to him and sat quietly for
several moments. 

"Did ya know Fraser and Thatcher were gettin' it on?" He spoke barely
above a whisper. 

"Neither one of them told us, but, yes, Renfield and I were pretty sure
they are involved." 

"Oh, they're involved all right. Involved right on his desk!" 

"Ray, how..." 

"Walked in on em! That's how! Sonofabitch! He's supposed ta be my best
friend. Some friend, couldn't even a told me. Sonofabitch!" 

Kerri was startled, but more confused, by Ray's anger. "I can see being
embarrassed at walking in on them, but why are you mad? You know what a
private person he is. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know, or maybe
Meg..." 

Ray jumped off his stool and started pacing. "He coulda told me! He
shoulda told me. Thatcher of all people, the Ice Queen. He been screwin'
her ever since she came ta Chicago?" 

"Ray!" Kerri did not at all like Ray's tone regarding her friend. "Meg is
my friend, please don't talk about her that way. I thought you'd made your
peace with her." 

Ray buried his head in his hands again. "Sorry." His reply was so sheepish
her heart went out to him.  

Slowly she realized why he was so upset. "Oh Ray, you feel like Benton has
betrayed you, don't you?" She took his hand, to get him to stop climbing
the walls, and to offer him some comfort. "And maybe you're right. Maybe
he should have told you. Maybe he should have confided in you, trusted
you." 

Kerri was still holding his hand as he looked into her eyes. She smiled at
him softly and he freaked. He snatched his hand away from her as if he had
been scalded. "Holy shit," he muttered. 

He turned away from her and stood trembling in the center of the room, his
hands covering his face. "My god, Ray! What is it, what did I say?" She
tried to touch his shoulder, but he jerked away from her again. 

"I gotta get outta here. I...sorry...I...I..." 

Kerri was very close to tears. She knew she had hurt him, but she had no
idea why. "Ray, please...I...please don't go. I don't know what's
happening here, but I don't want you to leave this way. If I said
something I shouldn't have, I'm sorry." 

He continued to stand in the center of the room, trembling with his face
buried in his hands, for several very long moments. When he finally began
to speak Kerri could barely hear him. "Ya said sumpthin' bout me thinkin'
Fraser betrayed me. Well, I've betrayed my friends too." Kerri waited
silently for him to continue. "I...I've fallin' for my buddy's lady." 

Kerri was totally shocked. "Meg?" 

As he shook his head the awareness blew over Kerri like a chilling wind.
"Oh." She whispered. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

After standing in the center of the tearoom for a very long time, totally
unsure as to what to do next, Kerri made a decision. She took Ray firmly
by the shoulders and pushed him toward at table near the window. "Sit
here, and don't move. If you do I promise you Dickens will...will eat
you!" She knew both of them realized the absurdity of that statement, but
it was the best threat she could think of on short notice. As she
disappeared behind the counter and in to the kitchen, Ray looked up to see
the pup sitting in the doorway, smiling at him and wagging his tail.  

"Hungry? Yeah right, dumb dog." When Dickens whined and turned his back on
Ray, he knew he had to apologize. "Sorry, only dumb one round here's me."
Ray thought he'd really done it now, he'd even alienated a dog. 

A few minutes later Kerri reappeared with a steaming cup of...something.
"Drink this!" 

"What...?" 

"Just shut up and drink it, and then we're going to have a talk." 

Ray cringed as he drank the tea; at least he hoped it was tea. This day
had definitely gotten worse. Now Kerri was going to shout at him. Oh well,
he deserved it. Shit! He drank as much as he could, and then awaited his
fate. He was in for the second shock of the day. 

"Feel better?" When he nodded she had to smile. He looked just like a
little boy who knew he was about to get a whippin' that he more than
justly deserved. When she took a firm hold on his hand and smiled at him
he looked like he might fall out of his chair. 

She spoke to him in the sweetest, softest voice he had ever heard. "Let's
see if we can sort this whole thing out, okay? First of all, Benton did
not betray you. He fell in love; at least I hope its love. There is no one
I know who deserves to have someone in his life more than Benton, and if
you'd think about it a minute, I know you'd feel that way too. It's too
bad that you had to find out the way you did. I think if you were to take
the time to analyze the way you feel you might realize that you are
jealous..." 

"No way..." 

"Sorry, poor choice of words. Envious, not of who he's with, but that he
has someone to share his life. Someone to warm the cold places in his
heart."  

Ray had to admit she'd come pretty close to the mark with that one. Kerri
smiled as she saw something close to a concession cross his face. 

"I think you should give him 'what for' for not telling you, but be happy
for him, Ray. He needs your approval." She continued to hold his hand
tightly, trying her best to impart reassurance for the hard part to come.
She took a deep breath and her smile faded away. "As for 'fallin' for your
buddy's lady'...you don't love me, Ray." 

He was about to interrupt, but thought better of it. "I think...I think
you love the...the 'idea' of me. You see Renfield and me together, happy,
loving each other in a very special way, and wish it could be you." He
turned away from her eyes, but she would not release his hand. "You and
Stella were very happy of a long time, weren't you?" 

"Yeah." 

"Don't you think you could be in love...in love with love, and not with
me?" Kerri struggled to maintain the hold on his hand, as he tried to pull
away. "You loved having someone to be close to." 

Ray finally freed his hand and was instantly pacing again. He ran his
hands through his hair as the wheels of his mind turned furiously. "I
dunno, maybe yer right. I just know I would never do anythin' ta hurt
Turnbull or you. You guys are the best friends I ever had. Sides, I could
never do nuthin' ta attract a beautiful lady like you." 

"Thank you, and you're wrong. About not being able to attract a beautiful
lady that is..." 

"Yeah, right!" 

Kerri sighed as she shook her head. "Before I met Renfield every man I
knew thought he was God's gift to women. Now I know three of the most
attractive men in Chicago, or the world for that matter, and none of you
has a clue as to how attractive you are. What is this, something they put
in the water?" 

Ray really believed she was serious. "Yeah, Fraser 'n Turnbull are okay,
but I'm just a scrawny..." 

"Lithe, agile, graceful..." 

"Butt faced..." 

"With intense blue eyes, an engaging smile and a fascinatingly handsome
face..." 

"With experimental hair..." 

Kerri looked at the top of his head. "Okay, I'll concede the hair...but
I'd be more than happy to buy you a comb." For the first time since he'd
come in to the shop, Ray smiled.  

"It's just that Renfield and I have been blessed, or very lucky, depending
on what you believe. But I'm 37 years old, Ray, and it's taken me this
long to find someone I could trust enough to love. I had honestly given up
ever thinking that would happen. I had to try to learn how to be alone,
but not lonely." 

"Did ya ever..." 

Kerri knew she had to be honest. "No, I was lonely right up until the day
I met Renfield. But I think that's why I understand the way you're
feeling. When you and Stella were together you were complete, and now
there's a hole in your life that you're longing to fill." She looked him
straight in the eye. "It just can't be with me. But I will never stop
being your friend." 

Some one knocking on the bookshop door brought both of them back to the
reality of this day and this place. "I've got to go back to work." She
grabbed his hand again. "Promise me you'll talk to Benton. Don't let his
need for love come between the two of you. You make the best partnership
Chicago has ever seen." 

As she turned back toward the bookshop Ray stopped her. "Please, don't
tell Turnbull? Bout how dumb I am?" 

Kerri smiled and nodded. "It's not dumb to care about people, Ray.
Besides, I'm kind of flattered." 

Ray left as she let the impatient customer in. She watched as he drove
away and said a silent prayer. "Watch over our friend, Lord. He needs Your
help. Please keep him safe." 

Neither Kerri nor Ray noticed the small white car that pulled away from
the curb, right behind the GTO.  ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

The aimless driving began again as Ray tried to process all that he and
Kerri had talked about. She was right about Fraser, in fact she was
probably right about all of it. He wasn't mad at Fraser anymore, now he
was mad at himself. Mad for reacting the way he did when he interrupted
them, and...God, he still couldn't believe Fraser was doin' Thatcher.
Nope, that was not the right way to put it. Fraser had found someone to
care about, and he'd try to be happy for him. Like Kerri said, he'd give
Fraser 'what for' for not telling him, but he'd be glad for him. He just
hoped Fraser could forgive him for acting like such a jerk. 

He wasn't so sure that Kerri was right about his feelings for her,
however. Those dreams had...nope, he wasn't going to think about that. If
he had to wrap this car around a light pole, he wasn't going to think
about *that*. 

It was almost totally dark when Ray finally reached the inescapable
conclusion. "I suck!" 

And the small white car still followed him. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ordinarily Ray avoided these kinds of places like the plague. But after he
decided what he was going to do, this was the first place he saw where he
was sure none of his friends would look for him. 

So now he sat at the bar, in the Encounters Lounge of Stetson's Chop House
at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. If Ray had tried he could not have selected a
better place to be in direct opposition to his personality. The guy at the
piano played something, he couldn't remember the name, by the Carpenters.
But this was exactly what Ray wanted, the Carpenters, and enough shots of
Jack Daniels to torture himself into oblivion. 

As he sat there pondering the fiasco of a day that had started miserably
and only gotten worse, Ray came to two inescapable conclusions; Fraser
would probably never speak to him again, and Turnbull, well Turnbull was
probably hunting for him right now. With a gun. 

He hadn't been there very long, but he could tell the bartender, Henry,
was hesitant to serve him any more. Ray took out a room key and slammed it
down on the counter. "See, buddy, room 1412's my designated driver. Keep
em comin', and alls ya gotta do ish pour me inta dis room." 

Henry's attitude changed considerably. This guy looked like some bum, in
off the street, but if he was a guest of the hotel, well, then it didn't
matter how he dressed. "Are you sure you want another, Sir? Maybe some
coffee instead?" 

"Straight up, and keep em comin' til I slide off dish stool." 

Henry figured a couple more, and he'd call Jose', the bell captain, to
escort their guest up the private elevator. 

He needn't have worried. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Henry had watched the blonde come in to his lounge shortly after the guy
at the bar. Wasn't much going on in the place yet, and he was a sucker for
blondes. This lady wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but not that hard on the
eyes either, kinda short, but nice legs, and really great hair. He
wondered why she was alone. Few people came in here who were not guests of
the hotel. 

She sat by the piano, listening to the music, sipping white wine, and
watching the guy at the bar. Henry sized people up quickly, a talent he
prided himself on, and he could tell this lady wasn't a hooker, high
priced or otherwise. But something was definitely up with her. He'd keep a
close eye on the situation; he sure didn't want any 'trouble' in his
place! 

Henry did have something in common with the blonde, he was also keeping a
close eye on the guy at the bar. "I really think you've had enough..." 

"Look, toll ya, Jack's only ffriend I gots..." 

The woman had been watching the guy at the bar for quite awhile. Just as
Henry was deciding she was just enjoying the view, she picked up her wine
and came to sit next to the guy. Henry watched them out of the corner of
his eye. 

Ray didn't look up as she sat next to him. By now he probably wouldn't
have been able to focus on her anyway. 

"I know for a fact that you have many friends. I also know you are going
to make yourself very ill, drinking that much of that stuff." 

Ray could not make out her face, but the voice was very familiar. "Yeah,
well, zats za idear." His shaky hands raised the glass and he downed the
contents. 

"Ray, are you sure you want to do this?" 

"Look, who ezer you zare..." Ray tried his best to focus on her face, but
he just couldn't see through the haze. Very slowly he did recognize her
voice. "Hija, Doc." He was suddenly having a great deal of trouble
maintaining his perch on the barstool. 

Jeanette closed her eyes and sighed. "Hello, Ray. Ah, Henry? Could you
bring my self-destructive friend here some very black coffee?" She grabbed
Ray by the upper arm and slid him off the stool. "Let's go sit in a booth,
it's a lot closer to the floor." 

Once Ray was on his feet he had a different idea. "Wanna dansh." He tried
to spin her around, but found the world already spinning. The combination
almost sent him sprawling on to a nearby table. 

"I think sitting is a much better idea." With only minimal cooperation
Jeanette struggled to fold Ray into the nearest booth. As a doctor she
knew it was anatomically impossible for the human body to bend the way
Ray's was. She fought to keep him standing, as she fought to sit him down.
"Ray, bend your knee!" 

"Yam." 

"Not that one, this one! I'm not going to be able to hold you up much
longer! You are going to have to help me. I can't hold you, you're going
to fall. Ray cooperate... Detective Kowalski, SIT!" So he did. Except he
missed the booth. It was necessary for Henry to help her lift the body
that had become as rigid as jello and tuck him in to the proper place. 

"Drink this." 

Ray took one sip of the offensive liquid. "Want..." 

"Shut up, and drink it!" Ray frowned at her...hadn't someone else said
that to him today? He just couldn't remember who. 

Jeanette frowned at Ray. She had known the moment she saw him in that
bookstore that he was in trouble, and she was going to help him if she
could. At least she could keep him from killing himself with alcohol. She
had let him drink just enough that she knew he would be really sick. But
that was okay, it would probably do him a lot of good. 

She continued to force him to drink coffee until she could see his haze
clearing just slightly. "Why don't we go up to your room, you need to lie
down." 

He leered at her. "Ya comin' too?" 

Jeanette's frown deepened. "Yeah, I'm coming, but not for that. Trust me,
you wouldn't be able to do 'that' right now any way." 

Henry helped them to the private elevator, and in a very short time they
were in room 1412. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray passed out immediately upon making contact with the bed. Jeanette
breathed a sigh of relief that he had waited that long. She also breathed
a sigh of relief that there were two beds in this room. It was going to be
a very long night, and she sure didn't want to waste any of it fighting
off the drunken advances of Ray Vecchio. 

She turned the TV on but kept the volume low. She smiled at that, knowing
that nothing would be bothering him...for awhile. She occupied her mind
with some inane sitcom as she relaxed on the bed next to Ray's. But her
mind didn't stay focused on the TV for long. She couldn't help but stare
at Ray and wonder what had happened to upset him so much. 

Jeanette had purposely avoided Ray, Ben and Meg after they returned to
Chicago. Lord, it had been almost a year since the fire, and their hasty
trip after Ben! She hadn't realized it had been that long. So many things
had happened to her in the last year, she could hardly begin to recount
them all. 

Everything that was good and healing in her life had been initiated by the
man lying on the bed next to her. He had forced her to face her past, and
admit to another human being all the crap that had happened to her. Once
she had talked to Ray, she found it so much easier to seek the
professional help she needed to come to terms with what she had been
through. 

Even though every one she knew had told her how much she had changed, she
only had to look in a mirror to know the truth. Ray was instrumental in
that too. She owed him, big time, and now it was time for payback. 

Avoiding the three of them had been easy once they returned to Chicago.
There wasn't much reason for their paths to cross anyway. She realized now
that she should have kept in touch, but she was so damned embarrassed by
what Ray knew about her, she found avoiding him much easier than facing
the knowing look in his eyes. And she wasn't sure just how much Ray had
told Meg, or Ben, for that matter. So, yeah, avoidance was just easier.
But as her healing progressed she had thought more and more about Ray, and
began to think about seeing him again. 

She watched him, sprawled out on his stomach. The last time she'd seen him
she had made him a promise. She would talk to a professional about her
problems, and visit her pastor. She'd kept her promise, and God had
blessed her for it. She had found her faith again, and experienced the
healing power of prayer. And right now she knew that God had led her to
that bookshop today.  

She smiled as she remembered running head long into the Mountie that day
in the medical building. She was getting off the elevator, and he was so
upset he hadn't seen her. The result had been research papers flying all
over the hallway. Even though her appearance had changed, and he wasn't
wearing his uniform, they both recognized each other immediately.  

He was the Constable at the Consulate the day they had discovered that Ben
was sick, the emotional one. And she was the serious, no nonsense doctor
who had gone up north to help save Constable Fraser.  

He was worried about his girlfriend, who was there for her last checkup
after an emergency hysterectomy, and she was preoccupied with her latest
research findings. They became instant friends. 

While waiting for Kerri to finish with her appointment, Renfield and
Jeanette fell into a discussion of all that had transpired in that little
cabin that belonged to Sgt. Frobisher. They also told each other of the
changes in their lives over the past year. Renfield told her of the way
Kerri had drawn him out of hiding within himself, and basically saved his
life. Jeanette confided to Renfield that Ray had done a very similar thing
for her. And she regretted not keeping in touch with all of them,
especially Ray. Renfield had smiled a very curious smile and given her a
hand written business card with the address of his new bookstore. Then he
told her that Ray always played chess with Kerri on Friday nights. 

Renfield had brought her to the bookstore, but God had brought her there
on this particular day. She wasn't sure why Renfield wanted her to see Ray
again, but looking at Ray she sure could tell why God did.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Several hours later Ray began to stir, and Jeanette knew that the tough
part was about to begin. He barely made it to the bathroom, Jeanette close
behind him, as he began to throw up the contents of his stomach. 

Jeanette sat on the edge of the tub, first holding his head, and then
wiping his face with a wet cloth, but Ray struggled against her help.
"Don't want nobudy seein' me like this." 

"Trust me, I've seen worse. Hell, I've been worse. You're not showing me
anything new." 

Before he could object Ray emptied more contents from his stomach.
Jeanette rubbed his back and softly admonished him. "Why would anyone want
to put themselves through this? It's criminal." But she of all people knew
the answer to that. 

Ray could not respond as he heaved into the toilet once again. Jeanette
just shook her head and wiped his brow. 

A long time later she helped him back into bed. She stripped off his jeans
and got him under the covers. When he began to shiver, she covered him
with another blanket and watched him closely. When she realized that he
was still cold she stripped off her sweater and climbed in next to him.
She pulled him close to her and laid her sweater over him, as she held him
tightly against her chest, much like a mother would hold her child. He
drew enough warmth from her body to stop shivering, without ever realizing
she was holding him. 

They slept that way for the rest of the night. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

When Ray awoke he had no idea where he was. But as long as he died soon,
he really didn't care. Sure, he'd been hung over before, but it was a long
time ago, when he was a whole lot younger, and it sure as hell didn't feel
like this! Someone had scoured his throat with steel wool, and then left
the damn stuff in his mouth. He wondered vaguely if it was the same person
who kicked him in the stomach and left him for dead. But as long as he
died soon, it really didn't matter. 

He lay in bed; at least he thought it was a bed, for a really long time.
He'd wait for it to stop spinning before he even attempted to get up.
While he lay there, waiting for the Grim Reaper to get him, someone let
themselves in to his room. But as long as he died soon, he didn't care who
it was. 

The person started yelling at him. Why the hell was she yelling? She was
so loud he couldn't understand what she was saying. "Shut up!" Holy shit,
now he was yelling! His ears hurt, his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, his
stomach really hurt, but most of all his hair hurt. Can hair hurt? Well,
his did. 

Jeanette came and sat on the bed next to him. "Jeez, don't rock the boat!"
Aw, God that hurt!  

"Ray, you need to drink this. And I've got some dry toast for you to
eat..." 

"Don't want nuthin'..." 

She spoke softly, but firmly, to him. "You're dehydrated, Ray. It's
important that you drink this, and get something into your stomach.
Please, Ray, I promise you will feel better if you do." 

He sat up very slowly and did as he was told. She lied to him, however, he
did not feel any better, and he told her so. "This stuff takes like sh..."


"Ray! It's made for little kids, if they can drink it and not complain, I
would certainly think a big, strong police detective like you could stand
it just this once." 

"I'll drink it, but I won't like it." 

"That's my big, strong Ray. Now, eat the toast." 

As Ray got a little nourishment in to his abused body he began to remember
some of the events of the preceding day, and he was not pleased with what
he remembered. Jeanette could tell by the pained look on his face that now
might be a very good time to talk. 

"Why don't you tell me about it?" 

"Bout what?" 

"Come on Ray, you're talking to the master of deception here. I can tell
from twenty paces when someone is trying to bury something." She raised
her eyebrows in thought. "Let's see...'I got two good ears, if ya wanna
talk about it'. It helped me, let me return the favor?" 

Ray frowned at the irony of having his words tossed back at him. For the
first time he looked at Jeanette, and really saw what he was looking at.
"Hey, you look...real...good! Really...good." Gone were the coke bottle
bottom glasses and the severe hair. In place of them were soft green eyes
and long, lovely pale blonde hair, tied at the back of her neck with a
black ribbon. But it was not what was missing that looked so good, it was
something that had been added. Ray just wasn't sure what that was. "I
don't know what it is, but I like it." 

"You can't avoid my question with compliments, Sir. But thank you." When
she smiled Ray knew instantly what the added something was. She wasn't
hiding any more. The openness and warmth just oozed out of her. 

He smiled at her, but in doing so he realized even his cheeks hurt. He
moaned. "I helped, huh?" He felt kind of proud that he had helped bring
about the changes in Jeanette. "That's...great." 

"You helped a lot. I know I wouldn't have ever gotten this far without
your help. I owe you a great deal, I'm just sorry I waited so long to tell
you." 

"Speakin' a that. How'd ya find me? Just luck?" 

Jeanette grinned at him and he felt his cold heart warm a little. "Nope, I
followed you." 

"Followed? From where?" 

"I saw you in the bookstore and I could tell you were in trouble. So I
just kind of hung around and...and followed you." 

"So it was just luck, sorta." Ray wasn't sure why that disappointed him. 

"Well, not exactly. Renfield told me you came to play chess there on
Fridays." 

Turnbull. Why didn't that surprise him? Nothing Turnbull did surprised him
any more. Sometimes he felt they all were in the Twilight Zone and
Turnbull was that Serling guy, kinda pulling the strings. Thinking about
Turnbull naturally brought him around to thinking about Kerri, and he
suddenly couldn't think of anything else to say. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Jeanette watched as Ray silently withdrew from her, but she was not about
to let that happen. "Tell me about it." 

"No big deal, really, I..." 

"Anything that drives someone like you to seek alcoholic oblivion has got
to be a big deal. Tell me about it." 

"Yer not gonna let it drop, are ya?" 

"Would you?" 

Ray cringed, he knew she had him with that one. He hung his aching head.
"Can't ya wait til I feel better? My head feels like it's gonna splode." 

"Trust me, I'm a doctor, and I know that won't happen." She went to her
bag and dug out two pills. "Take these and start talking." 

There sure were a bunch a women given him a whole lotta orders lately. And
he just kept doin' what they were tellin' him. Kinda like bein' married ta
Stella. He frowned and his hair started hurting again. "What's in em,
truth serum?" 

"Aspirin. Now tell me what's got your shorts in a knot." 

Ray started to laugh, and the whole list of hurts started hurting all over
again. "Aw, man, what ya have ta go an make me laugh for..." 

"I'll make you laugh again if you don't start talking..." 

"Okay, okay...but I don't know what ta say. Sumbudy just took a whole
bunch a bad days 'n tossed em in a pot and then dumped em all over me. And
that was just yesterday." Jeanette moved quietly to sit next to him.
"Found out my buddy was..." He remembered Kerri's reprimand, doin' or
screwin' wasn't sumpthin' he should say about his friend... "He's involved
with someone 'n didn't tell me."  

He expected Jeanette to make some sort of comment about it no being any of
his business, but she just continued to listen. "You know em, Fraser and
Thatcher? I didn't have no idea, just walked in on em." Ray could no
longer sit still. Unlike Jeanette, who had to hide in the darkness to
reveal her secrets, Ray had to pace. But just like Jeanette had done a
year ago, once Ray started to talk, everything came out. 

"Been havin' dreams." He ran his hands through his hair.  

'No wonder it stands up like that,' Jeanette thought, 'its all that static
electricity.' 

"You know, *those* kinda dreams? But it's always bout my other buddy's
lady. Makes me feel like a total louse. Went ta see Fraser ta talk ta him,
but he was...occupied with Thatcher." Ray stopped at the far end of the
room and turned to look at Jeanette. "I thought I was in love with her.
Told her so. He's prob'ly lookin fer me with a gun. I suck!" 

Jeanette wasn't quite sure what to say. His loneliness hung over him like
a big black cloud. She prayed for guidance. 

"So, let me get this straight. You're a lonely guy, hungry for some female
companionship, who walked in on his best friend and a woman? I don't
understand the problem. If you're upset with Ben, you're right. He should
have told you, or at least warned you not to barge in on him. And as for
your other friend's lady, is she the one in the bookstore? Renfield's
girlfriend?" 

Ray nodded as he hung his head. 

"What did she say when you told her?" 

Ray exhaled deeply. "Said I didn't really love her, just wanted ta have
someone, and she was there."  

Jeanette's heart broke for him. He looked so forlorn, and all he could do
was watch his friends be happy. "She sounds pretty smart. She's also a
very beautiful woman, no wonder you dream about her. There's a really
handsome Canadian actor I dream about quite often myself. Have you ever
tried to act on those dreams, ever tried to steal her away from your
friend?" 

Ray's aching head snapped up in defense. "Course not! I'd never try ta do
sumpthin' like that!" 

"So there you have it. I'm not trying to make light of how you feel, Ray.
It's just that none of this stuff's your fault. You're just a loyal
friend, who was hurt and embarrassed, and maybe just a little resentful,
of something someone else did. And like I said before, a lonely guy who is
having perfectly natural dreams." She put her arm around him as he
collapsed next to her. "I do have a prescription for you though, if you
want it." 

Ray was still dejected, but also curious. "What?" 

"How about spending a platonic weekend at the Hyatt Regency with a mildly
attractive, completely unattached, doctor of the female persuasion, who
also just happens to be lonely herself? We could catch a show, have dinner
in a nice restaurant, and, if you promise not to fall on your face, we
could even try a little dancing?" 

Ray grinned until his cheeks hurt. "Lady, ya got yerself a date. Thank
you." 

"Hey, don't thank me yet. I still haven't told you how I happened to be at
the bookstore on this particular Friday! There's Someone watching over
you...and it's not just me." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

While Ray spent the rest of the morning sleeping off the effects of the
previous night's bender, Jeanette made a couple of phone calls, and ran a
few errands. Going first to her office and then to her apartment, she
sighed at the state she had allowed her personal belongings to sink too.
It took her ten minutes to unearth something acceptable to wear for an
evening of dinner and dancing. She promised herself she would not allow
things to get this bad after she moved. 

She smiled in supreme satisfaction as she entered Ray's apartment. Someone
who was just as big a slob as she was! She knew she liked this guy. After
searching his apartment for quite awhile she finally found his razor under
the kitchen sink, and what she hoped were a clean pair of jeans folded
under a pile of newspapers on what she assumed was the kitchen table. She
actually found a really nice looking black leather blazer hanging in his
closet. She never did find a comb, but that didn't surprise her, she was
fairly sure he didn't own one. 

When she finally returned to the Hyatt it was getting close to lunchtime.
She hadn't thought about food since she had first seen Ray in the bookshop
yesterday evening, and now she realized she was starving. She hoped Ray
was feeling well enough to have lunch with her.  

Jeanette fully expected him to still be sleeping when she entered the
room. She was extremely surprised to find Ray awake and dressed, and a
room service tray sitting on the table. 

Ray grinned broadly at her. "Hiya, doc. Hope ya like tuna salad on whole
wheat. I figured you'd be hungry, I sure was. I thought about orderin'
soup, in honor of our last weekend together, but I was pretty sure you'd
be hungrier than that." 

"I'm starved, and this is great. Were you able to eat?" The physician in
her could not help but be concerned. 

"Yep. I usually go fer cold pizza," when he saw her cringe he grinned
again, "but somehow that didn't sound very good today. So I ate the cheese
hot..." 

"Ray, you didn't have..." 

"I had a grilled cheese sandwich, and a tall cold one." 

Jeanette didn't know him well enough yet to be able to tell if he was
teasing her. When his grin got even broader she relaxed. 

"Water. I had a glass a water. I remembered ya said I was
dehy...dehydrated." Jeanette returned his grin as she sat down to inhale
the tuna sandwich.  

While Jeanette finished off the sandwich, French fries, and a really good
dill pickle, Ray took a shower and made himself presentable. As Jeanette
expected, he didn't miss not having a comb. 

She was surprised, however, at how much better he looked. "It always
amazes me how the human body can repair itself, even with all the abuse we
inflict on ourselves." 

"I hope ya know I don't do stuff like this very much. In fact, the last
time I was really drunk was when I was bout twenty." He also agreed with
her, he was feeling a lot better. "Looks like ya liked the sandwich." 

"Sure did. How about some fresh air? Want to take a walk?" 

When he did not respond, Jeanette wondered if he was tiring of her
presence. "Ray, would you rather not spend the weekend with me? I'll
certainly understand, it might not have been such a good idea..." 

"No! I'm," he looked at her with that sheepish little boy look that warmed
her heart, "I'm lookin' forward ta it. It's just, well, I was thinkin'
bout all the dumb stuff I did yesterday, and not just the gettin' drunk
part. Fraser's prob'bly never gonna speak ta me again, and Turnbull, well
he's prob'bly still lookin' for me with a gun." He stood by the window,
looking just like a small child who firmly believed he had lost his best
friend. 

Jeanette smiled broadly at him. "Oh, he was looking for you all right, but
not with a gun. He and Ben spent the better part of the night searching
for you. Kerri told them you were in trouble, and they were very worried."


"How..." 

"I made some phone calls this morning. I called Renfield because I was
sure he would be worried about you. You did a good job of hiding from
them, Renfield said they never even considered looking for you in a
downtown hotel." Ray looked at her as if he were waiting for the other
shoe to drop. "They're not mad at you, Ray. They're your friends, and true
friends will forgive anything, well, almost anything. Renfield said Ben
feels very badly that you discovered, ah, what you discovered." 

Ray was actually kind of proud that he was able to elude 'Super Mountie'
and his sidekick Mountie Turnbull, but sorry that they were worried about
him. "Turnbull doesn't wanna kill me?" 

Jeanette almost hugged him. "Ray, can you imagine someone as sweet as
Renfield wanting to kill anyone?" 

Ray thought of a fairly recent trip to Vancouver, and a scene in the 27th
Precinct interview room, where the 'Big Guy' had intimidated the hell out
of a kidnapper. Jeanette obviously didn't know Turnbull as well as she
thought she did. 'Sweet'? Not hardly! "He can surprise ya sometimes." 

"I don't think Kerri told him the details of your visit. And I think she's
right, there are some things just better left unsaid. Now let's go for
that walk." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray and Jeanette walked for miles that afternoon. There was still a slight
winter chill in the air, but it was a beautifully clear, sunny day. They
walked the side streets from the hotel to the lake and strolled aimlessly
along the lakefront. 

They watched the joggers and tourists, still a rather small gathering for
this early in the year, and marveled at the shorts most of them wore.
Jeanette silently wished she had the long shapely legs for the short
shorts many of the women runners wore. Ray thought that running for
exercise was basically a snooze. Give him a good boxing ring any day of
the week. 

They had agreed to see a movie this afternoon, and it became obvious to
both of them what they were meant to see as they approached the Bijoux
Theatre, just off of Wacker. The theatre was renowned for it's film
festivals, and this week they were showing a retrospective of Bogart, who
just happened to be a favorite of both of them. 'Casablanca' was just
starting as they juggled popcorn and sodas to find a seat in the darkened
theatre.  

"This place uses real butter!" Ray was thrilled. Jeanette punched him in
the arm when he ordered extra 'butter', but it had done absolutely no
good. Ray was a popcorn with his butter kind of guy. 

Even though both of them had seen the movie many times, they still sighed
and laughed and cried in all the right places, and silently hoped for the
happy ending they knew would never come. Jeanette still had tears in her
eyes as the last of the credits rolled and the house lights came up. 

Ray wasn't surprised to see tears in her eyes, he knew it was a 'chick'
thing, even Stella cried during Hallmark commercials. He just didn't like
to see Jeanette crying, something told him there had been far too many
tears in her life. He tried to smile at her as they made their way out of
the theatre. "You okay?" 

She wiped the tears with the back of her hand, somewhat embarrassed to
have anyone see them. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just wish that damn movie ended
differently. I know it's just a dumb movie, but I just...Don't you laugh
at me Ray Vecchio!" 

Ray two stepped through the small crowd of people to get away from her,
laughing all the way. Jeanette chased him, but not being quite as agile,
almost mowed down an elderly man coming in to the theatre. She could still
see Ray about twenty feet away doubled over with laughter at her
clumsiness. The path between them cleared and Jeanette was upon him before
he realized it. As suddenly as she was upon him, he had a half-full bucket
of buttered popcorn dumped on his head. 

"Hey! This stuff's oily...yuk." 

Jeanette stayed out of reach and laughed. "It's better for you on the
outside that it is on the inside! Score one for Jeannie..." Jeanette's
mood changed suddenly, and she stood dead still. 

Ray had seen that look before, but it had been almost a year. "Jeanette?
What is it? You okay?" He went to her very slowly, and put his arm around
her shoulders, very carefully. 

"It's just...just that I haven't thought of myself as...Jeannie...in a
very long time." Ray could see her retreat within herself for just a
moment. When she came back to him she was slightly shocked. "Oh, Ray, I'm
sorry. We were having such a good time, and I've ruined it." 

"Nah. Ya just got me all greasy. Ya gettin' hungry?" 

"Ray, you just ate one and a half buckets of popcorn. How could you
possibly be hungry?" 

"Okay, okay, so I got a hollow leg or sumpthin'." Ray would have never
told her, but being hungry was the first thing he could think of to change
the subject. 

They made their way toward the Navy Pier as the sky was turning pale pinks
and oranges. By the time they had the Pier in sight the lights of the
Ferris wheel were just beginning to illuminate the night sky. 

After several minutes of walking Jeanette still seemed slightly subdued.
"I'm sorry if I'm being a wet blanket, Ray." 

Ray still had his arm protectively around her shoulders and felt her
shiver. "Ya gettin' cold? Maybe we should be headin' back." As they walked
by a small café Ray smiled and bolted inside. 

Jeanette barely had time to wonder want in the world he was doing when he
reappeared, with a toothpick clinched between his teeth. "Ya up fer a
little danshing and dining shweet art?" 

Jeanette laughed until she thought she would cry. "That has got to be the
worst Bogart impression I have ever heard." Lousy impression or not, it
had made Jeanette laugh, and that was all Ray cared about. 

It was almost completely dark and the temperature had dropped
considerably, so Ray and Jeanette decided to take a cab back to the hotel.
Twenty minutes later they were back in room 1412.      

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~      

Ray watched her closely as Jeanette emerged from the bathroom, changed and
ready for their evening. He remembered the first day he had met her, and
how unattractive he thought she was. Man, was he wrong! She had changed
from jeans and a sweatshirt to an almost sexy black dress. Almost, because
it wasn't overly short, or low cut, but it did leave a lot to the
imagination. The really attractive part about her though, were her green
eyes. There were worry lines at the corners, from dealing with a horrible
past, Ray guessed, but they weren't hidden behind the thick glasses
anymore. You could see the, he wasn't sure what the right word was, peace
he guessed, shining through those eyes. 

As he studied her more closely, he decided that her eyes might be her best
feature, but her hair ran a real close second. She hadn't tied it back
tonight, and he remembered the time in Frobisher's cabin when she had
reminded him of an angel. The light shining from behind her now made her
pale blond hair shimmer, almost as if it were a halo. Damn, she was
pretty. Not beautiful, at least not like in a movie or something, but
pretty. Yeah, really pretty. He smiled at the thought. 

"Very nice. Ya look really, really...nice." He was surprised to see her
blush. 

Jeanette was taken aback. She couldn't ever remember receiving such a
sincere compliment. "Thank you, Ray. I don't have much occasion to wear
this dress. I bought it for a banquet I couldn't get out of. I don't think
I've worn it since."  

Now it was her turn to scrutinize him. "You clean up pretty good too, you
know?" Ray had changed into the black jeans and leather jacket Jeanette
had scrounged up from his apartment, and was also wearing a crisp white
shirt they had bought during their earlier walk. Jeanette thought Stella
was a very foolish woman, to let someone like this man get away from her.
"You look very handsome." 

Well, they had succeeded in embarrassing each other. Apparently neither
one of them was used to compliments, and silence hung heavy in the room. 

Ray started to laugh. "We're pathetic, ya know?" 

"Let's get out of here. Now I'm the one who's hungry. Let's eat." 

They decided to eat at the Chop House. Ray thought it was some kind of
Kung Fu/Karma thing that it was named Stetson's. "Fraser'd get a kick
outta this." For the first time in 24 hours Ray could think of Fraser
without any regrets, and thinking of Fraser and Thatcher together didn't
make him shudder. 

Jeanette watched him and grinned. "Your thinking about Ben and Meg, aren't
you?" 

Ray was slightly chagrined. "Yeah, well so what? They're my friends." 

Jeanette's grin broadened. "They are your friends, both of them." 

They ate their steaks in companionable silence. They had spent most of the
day talking and suddenly seemed to run out of words. But they knew each
other very well by now, all the ugly stuff, and all the wonderful things
that made them both such unique human beings. 

Ray was surprised at how much Jeanette ate. Obviously no one had ever told
him it was impolite to comment on a woman's appetite. "Where do ya put it
all?" 

"Hmm?" 

"How can one woman, as little as you, eat so much? Most women I see eat
like birds cause they're afraid a gettin' fat." Stella and Frannie were
right at the top of that list. 

"Are you saying I'm fat?" 

Uh oh. "God, no!" Ray had seen TV shows and commercials that started just
like this conversation. He'd dug a hole, now he'd have to be sure he
didn't bury himself. "I think ya got a great figure." One he'd like to see
more of, actually. "And I'm gonna shut up before I shove my foot even
farther inta my mouth." 

Jeanette certainly liked getting compliments from Ray. If she'd stopped to
think about it, getting compliments from anyone felt kind of nice. "Okay,
you're off the hook. Are you going to make any comment if I order desert?"


"What da ya think I am, stupid? Don't answer that!" They both laughed and
ordered desert. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

After they finished off two pieces of 'death by chocolate' cake, Ray and
Jeanette went in to the 'Encounters Lounge' to listen to the music. The
bar was much busier tonight than it had been last evening, but Henry did
see them come in. They made a nice looking couple. He had thought the guy
looked like a bum, but he was looking pretty good tonight. Lady looked
good too, the black dress really set off that hair. She could do ads for
shampoo or something, with hair like that. 

"How you folks doing tonight?" Henry looked pointedly at Ray, who didn't
seem any the worse for his over indulgence of last night. 

"We're fine. How bout a couple of glasses of sparkling water, for now?"
Jeanette smiled in agreement, and wondered what Ray would have ordered if
she hadn't been there. 

It didn't take long before Jeanette noticed Ray moving to the sensual beat
of the music. It only took a little longer for him to stand and offer her
his hand. Within seconds he was holding her closely to him, as they moved
around the dance floor. 

Ray was amazed at how well their bodies fit. Jeanette was much shorter,
but her body molded to his, as if they were made for each other. They did
not return to their seats when the waiter brought their drinks. In fact,
they did not return to their seats again until a full five minutes after
the band finished their first set. They danced to a music all their own. 

When they finally came back to themselves, Jeanette hurried them back to
their booth. Ray thought she seemed a little edgy. "I'm sorry Ray, I think
I must be a little tired. Would you mind if we called it a night?" 

"Course not. You didn't get much sleep watchin' out fer me last night.
Let's go up." 

They walked slowly back to room 1412, both feeling tired, but happy. Ray
was more relaxed than he had been in, well, he couldn't ever remember ever
feeling so content. And Jeanette was warm inside with the feeling of
friendship that she felt for Ray. She could not remember ever feeling so
comfortable with another person. 

Ray unlocked the door and let her enter first. She reached for the light
switch, but a gentle masculine hand caught hers, before she could turn on
the lights. Ray took her hand and slowly turned her to face him. He slid
his other hand under her hair and behind her neck, to bring her mouth to
meet his. 

He loved the feel of her body against his, and her lips gently caressing
his. But when he let his tongue glide swiftly along her lips, Jeanette
recoiled and jumped out of his arms. 

Ray was so shocked he didn't know what to say. 

"I'm sorry Ray, I..." 

He regained his power of speech long enough to interrupt. "No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean ta scare you. That was a really dumb thing ta do," he
whispered. He looked at her face in the semi-darkness and wanted to kick
himself. "I'm so sorry I scared you..." 

Jeanette sighed deeply. "Ray, you didn't do anything wrong. I really
didn't mean to lead you on, I really didn't. It's just that I was having
such a good time. It's not you, it's me." 

"What's wrong, Jeannie?" He whispered. "Tell me what's wrong." 

She sighed deeply. "I should have known. Should have known I was leading
you on. Your response was perfectly natural, Ray. I'm the one who's to
blame here. Our relationship has to be platonic Ray. It can't be anything
else." She walked slowly to the small table by the window and sat in the
glow of the city lights shining in. 

"Why?" Ray followed her and knelt next to her, in the same dim light.
"Tell me why." 

"You know about some of my past, but you don't know the whole story. I
guess it's about time I told you the rest." She flashed Ray a look he
could not interpret. "You might want to get comfortable, this is a long
story." Jeanette remembered the last time she had made a confession to
Ray, and how scared she was to even speak the words. Now she was at peace
with what she was about to say. 

"I've never been with a man when...when I wasn't being forced, or," he
could barely hear her next words, "or paid." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray pulled the other chair up next to her and silently waited for her to
begin. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this, he thought he'd heard about
as much as he could stand about her past that night at Frobisher's cabin.
But he had to know why, why she wouldn't let him kiss her, and what the
hell she'd meant about being 'paid'. 

She began slowly, but not with the halting voice he remembered from the
cabin. Ray was very glad this had become at least a little easier to talk
about. "My uncle wasn't very smart, leaving me for dead in that alley the
way he did. When they found me there was no way I would have survived
without being taken to a hospital, so there was just no way my family
could get around not having me assigned to a Social Worker. It's really
kind of funny, I don't even remember her name, but her boyfriend was a
crusading lawyer who thought all police were corrupt. When he heard my
story he saw headlines and heads rolling. He just didn't anticipate the
way my uncle's cop buddies would close ranks to protect him..." Her voice
trailed off, this wasn't quite as easy as she had thought it would be. 

After a couple of deep breaths she began again. "My lawyer was a child
advocate, long before anyone knew or cared much about the rights of
minors. He was appalled at what was happening to me, and tried his best to
protect me. I realize now that he was also seeing lots of publicity and a
big settlement from the city. But whatever his motivation, in the end it
didn't do any good. We went to trial, but it ended up being the whole
police department and...and my...mother against..." Jeanette paused just
briefly, "against me." 

"I don't remember exactly what the judge said when my uncle was found not
guilty, but I do remember the courtroom erupted in pandemonium. I walked
out and no one followed me. I had just turned seventeen two days before,
and no one on this earth gave a...no one cared if I lived or died."  

"We were about sixty miles or so outside of LA, so I just kept walking
west. I don't remember how I got to Hollywood Blvd., but I do remember
sleeping in an alley near Vine St for a few nights. God, it was cold! I
didn't think it ever got that cold in Southern California. When this guy
named Mike offered me a place to stay I jumped at the chance. I didn't
realize there were strings attached." 

Ray sighed, he knew exactly where she was heading. He'd heard the story
before, lots of times. Naive young kids, lonely, broke, no where to go,
were sitting ducks for the Mike's of this world. He wanted desperately to
reach back in time and pull her out of there. 

"He started pulling the strings about a week after he let me crash at his
place. I owed him he said, and I needed to start earning my keep. Food
wasn't cheap, or lights or heat for that matter. The first time he
introduced me to one of his 'friends' I cried all night. At first the guy
thought it was cute, and wanted to play 'doctor', help the little girlie
with her boo-boos. Then he got bored and slapped me whenever I cried. When
he was finally done with me he refused to pay. He said I wasn't worth a
dime. So then Mike slapped me around for awhile." 

"I learned very quickly that it was easier, and far less painful to submit
to the sex rather than get beat up every night. I got very good at what I
did. I learned how to be with a man physically, but never mentally. I
learned that it was indeed possible to be in two different places at once,
one place where my body was, and another place far away for my mind. I
also had it reinforced to me over and over again just how worthless a
human being I was." 

"I never stopped looking for a way to get away from Mike. But he had lots
of girls on the streets, and we were required to keep an eye on each
other. If one of us tried to run, he took it out on all of us. It was hell
on earth, for about six months." 

Ray could almost believe she was just telling a story, she didn't seem to
be talking about herself anymore. It was almost as if she were recounting
the life of someone she used to know, but who no longer existed.  

"One day the sky just opened up and there was a way for me to get out. I
just started walking again, and to this day I don't know whether anyone
followed me or not." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Jeanette hesitated for several moments, but Ray did not interrupt. He knew
she still had a lot of ground to cover, and he needed to let her continue.


When she began again there was a slight difference in her voice. Some of
the darkness was gone. "I hitchhiked up the coast. Somewhere north of
Santa Barbara I met a man who changed my life. His name was Billy. He
stopped along the side of the road in a cloud of dust and a dilapidated
old truck and offered me a ride. I learned later that the only thing in
the world older than that truck was Billy." Jeanette smiled slightly at
the memory. 

"He asked me if I was 'gonna kill' him, and I asked him if he 'wanted sex'
in payment for the ride. The answer to both questions was 'no'. I rode in
the back of the pickup for a couple of hours. It turned out he owned a
diner as dilapidated as his truck, and he offered me a place to sleep. Of
course I was prepared to run, until I saw where the sleeping arrangements
were. He gave me a sleeping bag and pillow and pointed to the shed where
he usually kept the truck. I could not ever remember being in a place
where I felt so safe as I slept." 

Ray could tell that Jeanette wasn't really with him any more, but he
wasn't sure who she was speaking to. She had gone back twenty years to
relive a time that she had long since driven from her mind. "The next day
Billy asked me if I was on the run from the law, or was involved in drugs.
When I told him I was clean and had never been arrested for anything, he
offered me a job. It would be the first money I had ever earned that
involved doing anything other than lying on my back." 

"I worked at Billy's Diner for several weeks before I finally told him a
little bit about my past, and bless his heart, all he was concerned about
was the fact I hadn't graduated from high school. So we made a deal, he
would let me stay as long as I wanted, work part time for room and board,
and I would finish school." Jeanette returned to the present long enough
to look at Ray and smile. "No strings...absolutely no strings." 

"School had never been a problem, scholastically, at least. It took me
less than a year to get in enough classes to graduate. I don't know who
was more proud, Billy or me. We even began talking about my going to
college, but..." Her voice became shaky, and Ray thought Jeanette was
about to cry. "I'd been working at the diner a little over a year when
Billy died. He knew he was sick, but the sweet old coot never said a word.
He was the only decent human being I had ever known." 

Tears streamed down her creeks and she could not continue. Ray put his arm
around her shoulders and tried his best to come up with something coherent
to say. "Sounds like he was a really good guy." 

Jeanette sighed, "you ain't heard nothin' yet." She sniffed a couple of
times and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I wasn't sure what I
was going to do next when Billy's lawyer came to see me. Turns out he had
a Will, and I was in it. So the attorney asked me to hang around a couple
of days, until the relatives could be gathered for the reading. I knew
that he had family, a couple of kids that wanted nothing to do with the
old guy, and a sister in San Francisco, or somewhere." 

"Sweet old Billy was rich, well semi-rich, but he left a whole lot more
money than I'd ever seen. He left the bulk of his estate, $250,000 to his
kids, with some bequest to his sister, and he left me $50,000 and the
diner. His children grumbled about their father giving any money to the
'bimbo', but could care less about the diner. His daughter called it a
'nasty old thing' that belonged to a 'nasty old man'. I wanted to kick
her!" 

"After all the papers were signed the 'relatives from hell', as the
attorney called them, couldn't wait to get out of there, but the attorney,
Mr. Douvia, asked me to hang around for a minute. He'd been Billy's
attorney and confidant for years, and he just wanted to tell me that Billy
had really cared about me. It meant a great deal to me to know that Billy
cared for me, no one else ever had." 

"Before I could leave, Mr. Douvia handed me a letter. He smiled and told
me to have a seat, that I would be shocked at what I read. Billy left the
diner to me for a reason, it was worth a lot of money, and he didn't want
his money grubbing family to get any part of it. Actually the Diner wasn't
worth the cost of the powder to blow it up, but the land it sat on was
worth a bundle. Billy wanted me to sell it and use the money to go to
college. He thought I had a bright future...I got almost a million dollars
for the diner." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray whistled through his teeth. "Was bout time things started lookin' up
for ya. That old guy really..." 

Jeanette looked directly in to Ray's eyes. "I'd give back every penny if I
could have Billy back. I've missed him every day since he died." 

Ray rubbed her upper arm with the hand he had draped over her shoulder,
for comfort, but primarily because he could think of nothing else to do. 

"Anyway, I left town, but this time I didn't walk. I took the train to
Chicago and was accepted to Northwestern. I never had any thought of being
anything other than a doctor. Nothing would deter me from my course." 

"And you succeeded." 

"Well...not exactly." Ray felt her tremble slightly and was completely
confused. "I had intended to work exclusively with abused children, and
chose pediatrics as my specialty. But when it came to actually working
with little girls who had been sexually abused...I... I just couldn't do
it. I couldn't face those sweet faces so hurt and scared...so much like I
was. I couldn't bear seeing myself reflected in their eyes. So I withdrew
from private practice and hid in research. That way I didn't have to
confront anyone...or anything." 

Ray felt her almost wither in his grasp. She shrank in on herself, but
just momentarily. Within seconds she straightened up and took a deep
breath. 

"I would have been content to spend the rest of my life that way, hidden
from contact with the world, and hidden from myself, except one day there
was a fire downstairs from my office. As a direct result of that fire I
met the second and third most decent men I have ever known." She turned to
look at Ray. "And that man, that third man I met, had as much impact on my
life as Billy had. Billy gave me a place to hide when I needed it more
than any thing else in life. And you instinctively knew that I had hidden
enough." Jeanette kissed Ray on the cheek. "What you see before you is a
product of the caring of two men, and the love of one God." 

Now Ray felt that he might cry. But he still did not have an answer to his
question. 

"After we came back to Chicago, after we knew Ben would be okay, I should
have kept in touch with you." She continued to look him directly in the
eye. "You mean a lot to me Ray, and not just because you helped save me.
You are a passionate, warm, loving man, and you need a woman who can
return those things to you." She turned away and hung her head. "I can't."
"I wish I could." 

"I don't understand." 

"I've been healed, Ray. Physically and spiritually healed. But I am
emotionally, I don't know, stunted, I guess. I can't feel anything much
for anyone. I love God with all my heart, and I feel a little bit of love,
I guess, for the human race. But I am not capable of returning the passion
you deserve. It wouldn't be fair to you, or me, for us to have a
relationship that we both know would fail." 

"That's not..." 

"Think about it, Ray and you'll see I'm right. If I were able to love you,
I'd jump at the chance. I don't know why God has seen fit to leave me this
way, but I would never question His will. That's why I'm leaving..." 

"What? Where in the Hell are you running off to now?" Ray felt anger at
the injustice of what was happening, and hurt that she would leave him
just as they were discovering each other. 

"I'm going back to LA. I've been asked to work with the Pediatric AIDS
Foundation. They need doctors there, Ray, and I feel I can..." 

"Yer running away again! Stay here 'n we can work this thing out. We can
work anything out. I need ya here!" As quickly as his anger had flashed
Ray felt it drain away. Something very deep inside him told him she was
right. He didn't like it, and did not want to accept it, but he knew they
were meant to be friends, dear friends, nothing more. 

"I'll always care for you Ray, on many levels. But I have to go, there's
nothing else to do. I'm not running away, Ray, at least not from you. I've
been planning this for several months." 

Ray didn't look at her as he whispered, "When do you leave?" 

"Next week." ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray looked out the window to see the taxi waiting at the curb. He didn't
want to look back into the nearly empty apartment. Nearly empty except for
two large suitcases, a laptop computer case and a small bag that Jeanette
laughingly called a purse. The only thing missing was Jeanette, who was
making a last minute sweep to ensure she hadn't forgotten anything. Ray
was sure that everything else was gone, he'd helped pack, and supervised
the movers. No one person could possibly own anything else. 

"Jeanette! Taxi's here." Ray had no idea why he was yelling at her to
hurry, when he didn't want her to go at all. He knew in his head that she
was doing the right thing, but his heart just hadn't caught up yet.  

Jeanette walked slowly toward the front of the apartment. Over the last
couple of days they'd been so busy getting her ready to go, she hadn't had
to face the fact that she was leaving her closest friend behind. She
smiled at the irony of it. Ray was probably the closest friend she had
ever had, he certainly knew more about her than any other human being,
even her doctor. And now she was leaving, moving halfway across a
continent, just as they were getting so close. But she knew to her very
soul that what she was doing was right. It wasn't easy, but it was right.
She almost laughed out loud, since when was anything about her life easy? 

Ray stood near the front window, surrounded by the last of her worldly
possessions, looking extremely forlorn. "Yer really gonna do this aren't
ya?" 

She walked up to him and right in to his arms. "Ray we've been through
this a hundred times. There are telephones, highways and airplanes, and if
all else fails there is the US Mail. I am not falling off the end of the
world. We will keep in touch!" Knowing she would not lose contact with Ray
was the only thing keeping her going. 

Ray released his tight hold on her, and in a valiant attempt to control
the tears he felt gathering in his eyes, started gathering luggage. "Okay
then, let's get at 'er." 

The driver loaded her stuff into his trunk as Ray and Jeanette stood
awkwardly on the sidewalk. "Ya gonna be good?" He brushed an errant lock
of hair over her shoulder, averting his eyes from her face. 

"I'm always 'good'." Jeanette rubbed the back of her hand over his cheek.
"You'll call?" 

"Soon as ya get a phone." 

"Promise me you'll talk to Ben?" 

"God, you really don't let a guy off the hook, do ya? I promise!" 

"Goodbye, Ray." In all her life leaving had been the easiest part, until
this minute. 

"Bye," was all he could manage to say. They stared at each other for
several moments before Jeanette turned and silently got into the taxi.	

Ray couldn't see her tears as he stared after the taxi, slowly making it's
way into traffic.  ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~ 

Ray stood on the deserted sidewalk and stared after the taxi as it slowly
receded into the distance. It took several moments for him to become aware
of the figure standing behind him. As the awareness sunk in, and man's
hand settled on his shoulder. 

Without taking his eyes off the taxi growing ever smaller in the distance,
Ray quietly acknowledged the other man's presence. "Hiya, Fraser." 

"Hello, Ray." Fraser stared in the same general direction as Ray. "Are you
okay?"	

Still staring into the distance, searching desperately for the yellow
vehicle he could no longer see, Ray answered, "Been better." The hand on
his shoulder squeezed just slightly. Suddenly Ray turned to frown at
Fraser. "And I've been worse." He hung his head. "Ya shoulda told me,
Fraser. Ya shoulda..." 

It was Fraser's turn to hang his head and study his boots. "I know, Ray.
I'm sorry. I should have told you. I don't know why I..." 

Somehow knowing that Fraser regretted what had happened made everything
all right. Ray was no longer angry with Fraser for not telling him about
his relationship with Meg, and now knew Fraser was not angry with him for
reacting the way he did. "Yeah, well, it's done." Ray suddenly began to
grin. "Ya shoulda, now ya can." 

"I don't understand." 

"Tell me about you 'n Thatch...Meg." 

"Ray! I hardly think..." 

"God, Fraser. Not the gory details! I just wanna know when and where,
stuff like that." 

"Well, Ray," as soon as Fraser started talking Ray regretted ever asking.
He knew he was in for another of Fraser's long, very long, detailed, oh,
so detailed stories. But that made him smile. Fraser was telling him
stories again, and all was right with the world. "It all began with
Turnbull's misguided attempt..." 

The two friends turned and walked away, together. 

The End 

In case anyone was wondering, the restaurant at the Hyatt Regency in
Chicago actually is named Stetson's Chop House. It's a Kung Fu/Karma kinda
thing!