rememberme   Author's disclaimer: Although the story is mine, it is
a work of fiction based on the characters of Due South. All Characters
portrayed here belong to Alliance. Please do not print/copy/download or
send any part of this story to anyone else, other than for your personal
enjoyment. Thank you. 

Death story-angst 

For My Mother Mary-who lost her valiant battle with Cancer just two years
ago. She will always be remembered 
  

By: Amethyst 

Feedback REMEMBER ME 
  

 

         Fraser glanced over at his partner Ray Kowalski, who was posing
as his old partner Ray Vecchio, as Assistant's State's attorney Stella
Kowalski spoke quietly to him in the hallway just outside the interviewing
rooms. He watched Ray's face go from nervously animated his usual
expression around his ex-wife, to ashen and withdrawn. Although Fraser
couldn't hear them at this distance he was sure Stella had delivered some
devastating news for the detective and his heart went out to his partner. 
         Ray ran a shaky hand through his hair as he leaned against the
wall, Fraser suspected he was having trouble standing upright and was
using the wall for support. Stella was still speaking but Ray seemed no
longer to hear her, as he turned and started to walk away from her
ignoring her calls for him to return. He walked straight into Francesca,
who was hurrying by with a load of files and the files fell to the floor. 
         "Oomph!" She grunted then glared at him as she bent to retrieve
the folders. "Watch where yer goin' why don't you?" she demanded as Ray
stared at her dazed, then slowly knelt to help her pick up the files as
Fraser approached to assist. "Everyone's always in a rush around here!
Frannie get me this Frannie get me that and I want it yesterday and then
you go and walk into me and..." She glanced up and noticed Ray was making
no comment, but was instead staring blindly at the one file he had
rescued. 
         "Ray?" Fraser asked kindly noticing Francesca's concern as the
detective finally came back from wherever his thoughts had pulled him and
handed the file to Francesca with a less than steady hand. 
         "Sorry." He muttered rising, with some difficulty it appeared and
walked over to his desk, leaving Fraser and Francesca to gather the rest
of the papers. 
         "What's wrong with him?" she asked the Mountie and Fraser shook
his head, piling the remaining folders into her tiny arms and casting a
glance at his partner, who had reached his desk in time to answer his
phone. 
         "I do not know." He admitted quietly. "Excuse me, Francesca." He
didn't wait for her dismissal as he turned to approach Ray, who was
gathering his raglan around his shoulders. "Do we have a case, Ray?" he
inquired as the blond moved past him and Fraser followed. 
         "What?" Ray asked, as though just realizing the Mountie was
there, as they trotted down the steps of the precinct with Diefenbaker at
their heels. 
         "Are we headed out for a case, Ray." Fraser repeated as they
stepped out into the drizzling Chicago rain and headed for Ray's GTO. 
         "A case?" Ray repeated glancing once again at the Mountie, then
shaking his head as if to clear it.             "Ummm...yah, we're gonna
go pick up Rico Demories, we got da warrant we were waitin' on." He showed
Fraser the folded paper as they climbed into the classic black car and Ray
pulled out of the parking lot. Normally, Fraser suspected Ray would be
more cheerful that they had finally managed to get the proof needed to
arrest the dope dealer, but the detective was withdrawn and obviously had
other things on his mind. 
         Fraser didn't want to pry into Ray's personal affairs, even
though they were partners and friends, he was always hesitant that his
curiosity would get the better of him and he would one day cross the line
and anger the detective with his questions. Fraser couldn't help wanting
to know everything about Ray, the detective was something of an enigma to
the Mountie, opposite the Canadian in many ways, yet they still worked
well. Ray was not afraid to show his emotions, whether he was angry or
happy, frustrated or touched, he showed these things openly in a way that
Fraser envied. The only things Ray did keep to himself was his hurt,
whether physical or emotional, he rarely let anyone see past his macho,
kick 'em in the head bravado that earned him the reputation of being a
loaded pistol with other officers. 
        Fraser had seen past Ray's façade however, from the first day he
witnessed Ray's uncertainty, his eagerness to make their partnership work,
the fear of failure hidden in his steal blue eyes. He knew that most of
Ray's hostility was merely a posture to give him the look of a cop who
just didn't care, but Fraser had witnessed his new partner's soft heart,
and was assured that the detective did indeed care, sometimes too much so.

Only a few times did his friend willingly allow him to see the depth of
the person that was Stanley Ray Kowalski, and Fraser treasured those
moments. The first time was of course in the crypt, when Ray had confessed
his doubts about Stella and his life in general. Why he became a cop, why
he married Stella, why he had to find the man he was after that had
changed his life so many years ago in a bank robbery. 
         The most memorable time was during the Beth Botrelle case, when
the detective had broken down in the car after bringing Beth Botrelle home
from the prison he felt responsible for sending her to. She had thanked
him, thanked the man who could not forgive himself the error that almost
cost this woman her life, and it had been too much for Ray. He broke down
and cried, his sobs had torn through Fraser more viciously than any knife
or bullet wound he had ever sustained and all the Mountie could do was
place a reassuring hand on his partner's shoulder and let him cry. Fraser
had wanted to do more, felt he should have been more supportive, but it
was not in him to do so. Somehow Ray had felt comfort knowing the Mountie
had been there for him and had not been ashamed to have lost it in front
of his partner, as Ray told him later that evening. 
        Now, more than anything he wanted to ask Ray what was wrong, what
had put the dark, bleakness in his partner's usually vibrant eyes and
seemed to have stolen the fiery energy that Ray always exuded, even when
tired. He knew it must have been something Stella had said to him, some
piece of news that had knocked Ray for a loop, but he couldn't fathom what
that might be. Ray often was momentarily depressed after speaking with his
ex-wife, he couldn't help it because he loved her so much and wanted to be
with her, but he usually pulled himself out of it rather quickly, but not
today. Finally Fraser decided to take the bull by the hoof...was that
correct? It didn't matter, it would take him forever to learn all the
proper slang and phrases that American's used, it was a wonder he even
bothered to try. 
         "Forgive me for being intrusive, Ray but is there anything
wrong?" He asked quietly. "Did Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski give
you a bit of bad news?" Ray glanced at him startled then returned his
attention to his driving. 
         "Ask me again later, Frase." He requested tiredly. "I can't talk
about it right now or I'll never get through da day, y'know?" Fraser
nodded. 
         "Understood." He allowed gently and Ray offered him a small
grateful smile. 
         "I knew ya would, buddy." He murmured and Fraser tried to hide
his glow of satisfaction. Ray would tell him, Ray knew he could confide in
him and to Fraser that was the greatest gift anyone could give him, he
would wait until his friend was ready and then, then he would listen and
try to help. 
  

         Ray and Fraser didn't get a chance to talk the rest of that day,
the arrest of Rico Demories turned into a car and foot pursuit that ended
with Fraser, Ray and their suspect going through a second story window in
a warehouse that Rico had ducked into. Luckily the shipment of eggs that
were being unloaded under the window broke most of their fall. Ray
struggled through the packages and managed to cuff Rico, who was screaming
police brutality, only to have Ray stuff an unbroken egg into the drug
dealer's mouth. 
        "Suck on dis." He ordered, angrily as Rico tried not to bring his
teeth down or choke on the obstruction, while Fraser and he made their way
out of the mess of shells and yokes. All three were covered in goo, even
Fraser which Ray thought was enormously funny considering nothing ever
seemed to stick to the Mountie. When back up arrived they took the suspect
into custody, Ray making a comment that he didn't want the Rico the rotten
egg stinkin' up his car, then he and Fraser attempted to clean themselves
up. 
        They returned to the station and were subjected to a variety of
chicken and egg jokes, with the assistance of Detective's Dewey and Hewy,
but Ray barely acknowledged them as he headed for the precinct's locker
room and shower. He always kept a spare set of clothes in his locker, ever
since the first day of meeting Fraser when they wound up in Lake Michigan
after Vecchio's Rivera was blown up by a performance arsonist stalking
them. Fraser also kept a change of civilian clothes there and an extra
uniform, for the same reasons. 
        Ray peeled off his filthy, sticky clothes and stepped into the
small stall, closing the plastic curtain behind him. He lathered shampoo
and soap over his hair and body quickly and efficiently, not taking the
time out to enjoy the hot water as he usually did, wanting to get finished
so Fraser could wash up as well.  However despite his intentions, he did
end up lingering under the pulsating spray longer than he had intended.
The hot water had rinsed away the majority of his tension and thus caused
some of the defenses he had erected to lower as well, producing tears that
couldn't come earlier to mingle with the water from the shower. 
        "Ray?" Fraser's soft voice intruded and Ray pushed his face
further under the spray, unaware that his hands were braced on the wall
holding him up. "Are you alright in there?" 
        "Be right out." Ray promised hoarsely as he tried to clear his
throat and get his emotions under control again. He stepped out a moment
later and wrapped a towel around his hips, as he moved past the quiet
Mountie watching him intently to his locker, and pulled out a clean pair
of jeans and a T-shirt. "All yer's buddy." Fraser nodded, having already
stripped off his uniform. Fraser gazed at him a moment longer then stepped
into the shower and Ray allowed his shoulders to droop with relief, he
could only stand up under the Mountie's scrutiny for so long. 
        "Hey, Ray?" Dewy called poking his head inside. "Frannie say's
there's a phone call from your Dad." 
        "Be right there." Ray assured pulling his gray T-shirt over his
head and quickly strapping on his shoulder holster, just as Fraser stepped
out of the shower and proceeded to get dressed as well. "I got a call,
I'll see ya out front." He told the Mountie as he checked his gun and
placed it in the holster then shoved on his boots. Fraser nodded and
returned to his own task of dressing as the detective left the locker room
and headed for his desk. Francesca met him there with a file and
surprisingly a smile. 
        "Line two." She informed dropping the file in his tray and
indicating his hair. "Wanna borrow my dryer?" He grinned and shook his
head, running his fingers through his damp locks that he had slicked back
away from his face. "I like that look, makes you look kinda sexy." 
        "Just kinda, huh?" he smiled as he picked up the phone for his
call. 
        "Well, being my brother I can't say any more that that." She
returned wickedly and sauntered back to her desk, knowing her 'brother'
was observing the length of her legs in the tight black mini skirt as she
retreated and it gave her a secret thrill to give him the small show. 
        "Yah dad?" He greeted into the phone, a hint of surprise in his
voice because his parent's rarely called the station, simply because it
might compromise his cover as Ray Vecchio. 
        "Son, yer Mother's in the hospital." Damien Kowalski announced and
Ray shot up in his chair. 
        "What?" he demanded worried. "W..what happened? Is she okay?
How..." 
        "She's with the doctor's now." Damien informed. "They're running
some tests but I..I think you should head down here, Raymond." 
        "Which hospital?" Ray asked and nodded when his father told him.
"We'll be right there." 
        "We?" Damien questioned as Ray held the phone between his shoulder
and ear as he shrugged into his jacket. 
        "Me and Fraser, dad." He stated obviously and heard the
disapproval in his Father's pause. 
        "Son, I understand the Mountie's your partner but this is a family
,matter and..." 
        "Fraser is family Dad." Ray determined soundly, then without
giving his father the chance to disagree he announced he'd be there soon
and hung up, noticing the Canadian, now dressed in civilian clothes,
standing before him with a shocked look on his face. Obviously he had
overheard Ray's words to his father and was having trouble digesting them.

        "Ray I..." he began as the detective grabbed his keys and marked
his time out on the board. 
        "Pitter patter, buddy." He urged as he headed out, assuming Fraser
would follow.. "Mum's in da hospital and we gotta get dere." Fraser nodded
and called Diefenbaker to him. 
        "Is she alright Ray?" he asked concerned, his earlier questions
momentarily put aside as they stepped outside the precinct and moved
toward the GTO. Ray shook his head as he unlocked the car and Fraser held
the seat forward for the wolf to climb inside. 
        "Dunno, Dad just told me to get there." Fraser nodded and climbed
in beside his partner. 
  

        At the hospital Barbara Kowalski had been sedated and was being
watched closely, while her husband and son stood outside her room with the
doctor. Apparently Mrs. Kowalski had collapsed and Damien had rushed her
to the emergency room where they immediately ran tests, to which Ray and
Damien were about to hear the results. Fraser stood close enough that Ray
would feel his support but far enough away that Mr. Kowalski wouldn't
think he was intruding on family affairs. 
        "So what's goin' on doc?" Ray demanded quickly. The young man
responsible for his Mother's current health lowered his eyes briefly
glancing at the woman through the window in the room next to them, then
back to Ray and Damien. 
        "Has Mrs. Kowalski been to a doctor about her spells and
headaches?" 
        "Yes." Damien supplied before his son could answer receiving a
glaring look from Ray. 
        "What spells and headaches?" he questioned suspiciously as his
Father avoided his gaze and looked past him to his wife. 
        "She didn't want to worry you, Son." He offered quietly. "She
knows how protective you get." 
        "Protective!" Ray exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me Mum was
sick?" 
        "She didn't think she was, Raymond." Damien deflected quickly,
stepping back slightly from his son's sudden anger. "She's been having
these headaches and spells where she couldn't see properly. We took her to
Doctor Conners, he's been our family doctor for years and he told her she
just needed to get new glasses." Fraser watched Ray's face turn red with
fury. 
         "Change her glasses?" Ray repeated in disbelief. "How long has
she had these spells?" Damien shifted uncomfortably and Fraser almost felt
sorry for him. 
         "A little over a year now, since before we returned to Chicago." 
         "And you didn't bother to go have them checked out before now?"
Ray accused. 
         "You know your mother and Doctors, Raymond." Damien insisted.
"She's as bad as you for going for anything less than life threatening. I
tried to get her to go, but she wouldn't and when she did Conners
said...." 
        "Conners is a general practitioner not a neurologist!" Ray
screamed. "He couldn't diagnose a cold for Christ's sake!" 
        "Your mother trusts him, son." Damien interceded. "He delivered
you and your brother. He's been our doctor for years and..." 
        "Why didn't you get a second opinion?" Ray asked. 
        "Dr. Conners said he didn't see the need, unless we wanted to just
go through the extra expense of having tests run." Ray turned his back on
his father and Fraser understood he was trying to reign in his anger
before he did or said something he regretted, as Damien looked to the
young Doctor again. "What is it, Doctor Brook? What made Barbara
collapse?" 
        "Mr. Kowalski." Brook began. "We ran a variety of tests and found
that there are lesions on your wife's brain." Ray turned back, his face
pale as his father stared at the doctor in shock. 
        "Lesions?" he whispered. "W..what kind of lesions?" 
        "They are the type usually attributed to lung cancer, sir." The
Doctor announced sympathetically. "I'm very sorry. We found two spots
outside your wife's left lung, relatively small, but with the contributing
lesions it lessens her survival chances." 
        "What can be done, Doctor?" inquired Fraser, since both Kowalski's
had been rendered silent by the news. 
        "And you are?" Brook asked. 
        "Constable Benton Fraser." The Mountie introduced holding out his
hand and allowing the young man to shake it firmly. 
        "Are you a relation?" he inquired and Fraser started to shake his
head, just as Ray finally spoke. 
        "He's my partner, my...my friend." Ray stated softly, each word
seemed difficult to produce. "Answer his question." Brook regarded the
three men for a moment then continued. 
        "There is of course chemo therapy." He offered firmly. "Although
with the advanced stage of her condition I honestly do not know how much
good it will do. Radiation treatments can sometimes help shrink the
lesions and give us a little time to work on the cancer itself, but in
cases like this survival is only about fifteen percent." 
        "H...How long?" Ray asked his eyes glued to the window that showed
the small form of his mother lying pale and sleeping in the hospital bed. 
        "On average six months." The doctor stated. "Depending on how she
reacts to the treatments it could be longer. If she decided against
treatments all together, which some patients do, possibly four months."
Ray's legs buckled beneath him at the news as Damien released a soft
anguished cry. Fraser managed to catch Ray before he hit the floor and
helped him over to a chair, then moved to settle an unsteady Damien as
well. Ray hid his face in his hands as Damien attempted to keep from
hyperventilating or dissolving into tears. Fraser stayed next to Ray,
crouched by his chair with a supportive hand on the detective's shoulder,
as he and the doctor waited for both men to compose themselves. 
        "Tell us what we need to do." Ray finally managed to say,
schooling his features and glancing up at the doctor determined. "How can
we help her?" 
        "I've already informed her of the diagnosis and she requested time
to think it over." He stated. "She did give me permission to tell you,
though I suspected she was more worried for you both then for herself." A
ghost of a smile formed on Ray's lips. 
        "Yah, Mum's like dat.' He agreed softly. Brook nodded. 
        "The best thing you can do for her now is just offer her support,
regardless of her decision you must show you are in agreement with her." 
        "What do you mean regardless of her decision?" Damien demanded
suddenly, having finally found his voice. "What decision is there? Of
course she'll have the treatment!" 
        "Mr. Kowalski." The doctor soothed. "The level of Chemo we would
have to administer to your wife is highly aggressive and still somewhat
experimental, in some cases the treatment is worse then the cure and
unfortunately this may be one of those cases. Your wife understands the
risks and that this treatment is in no way a guaranteed cure for the
cancer." 
        "I don't understand!" Damien exclaimed. "If it won't cure her
what's the point?" 
        "There is no cure for cancer, currently, Mr. Kowalski." Brook
insisted. "The best we can hope for is to limit the spreading of the
disease through your wife's body and lengthen her life somewhat from the
shorter time the Cancer would give her if it goes un treated." He paused
and allowed them to absorb his words for a moment. "Adding to the cancer
are the lesions on your wife's brain, which are quite honestly enormous
considering the size I am used to dealing with. They are the more urgent
problem, because of we can't reduce their size and bring the swelling down
on your wife's brain, the pressure could cause one or more of the legions
to break , resulting in sudden blindness, loss of speech or even a death."

         "H..her headaches." Damien began. "Were these lesions causing
them?" The doctor nodded. 
         "Most likely, yes." He admitted. "And had we caught them when
they were still relatively small her chances of beating the Cancer would
be greatly improved. As they are now, I am quite certain the size of them
proves that they have been there for at least two years or so." Ray glared
at his Father,  to watch the man shrink under his gaze. 
        "I..I didn't know, Son." He murmured brokenly as he continued to
shake his head. "I...she wouldn't see anyone but Dr. Conners and he..." 
        "You should have told me, Dad." Ray said, a mixture of anger and
pain in his voice. "She would have gone for me, don't you understand? I
could have gotten her to see someone else if you had only told me, but you
shut me out, like you always do." Damien shook his head again and tried to
speak, but no words would come forth in the sight of his son's wrath as
Ray continued. "I could always get Mum to do things no one else could, she
never refused me and you were always jealous of that, weren't you?" 
        "Ray." Fraser warned gently, sensing things were about to get too
emotionally strained for either man to handle well. "Now isn't the time."
Ray cast his father a final scathing and hurt look then turned away. 
        "It's never the time, Fraser." He muttered bitterly as he gazed at
his Mother lovingly, placing his hand against the glass that separated
them. "Everything is always more important than family to Damien
Kowalski." 
        "Son, that's not true..." his father protested but Fraser shook
his head in warning and Damien let the subject drop. The Mountie
understood his son better than he did, so perhaps it would be better to
not push Raymond for the moment. Fraser moved to stand beside his friend,
also gazing at the woman that Ray adored. 
        "Looks like she may be waking up." He observed softly, squeezing
Ray's shoulder encouragingly. "Why don't you go in and see her?" 
        Damien watched his son lean toward the Mountie's touch gratefully
and tried to dispel his sudden jealousy at their closeness. It seemed to
him that the pair were always touching in one way or another, whenever he
saw them, and it made Damien Kowalski wonder of the Canadian's intentions
toward his boy. He didn't think Fraser was gay and he knew his son wasn't,
Ray had always just been an affectionate person, and he got that from his
mother who always showered him with affection. Still, the most Ray ever
offered his Father was a firm handshake from time to time and quite
honestly Damien sometimes felt uncomfortable about that small amount of
touching. 
        He didn't understand Ray and was still having a hard time dealing
with the fact that his son had dropped out of college and became a police
officer instead of taking advantage of the education his parents had
worked hard to provide for him. He missed the young boy Ray used to be,
the one that loved to go fishing with him and fix up cars and share
Saturdays in front of the television watching football, baseball or
whatever sport happened to be on. 
        Stella had changed him, she had been the one that encouraged him
to take up dance lessons, she'd been the one bragging non-stop about how
she was going to change the world by becoming a prosecuting attorney and
made Ray decide on a career in law enforcement. It must have been her
because his Stanley wouldn't have considered such an unappreciated and
dangerous line of work without serious coercing from Stella. 
        That boy would do anything for his precious Stella, even started
going by Ray instead of his given name, because Stella didn't consider
Stanley a dignified name. Damien got along well enough with his
ex-daughter in law, but he had been secretly relieved when she and Ray
divorced. After seeing his son's devastation at loosing Stella, however,
Damien became angry with the woman that had changed his precious boy so
drastically then dropped him to pursue a career. She and Barbara got on
well, his wife still hoped Stella and her son would reconcile, but Damien
knew she was no good for Ray and it would be better if she stayed away. 
         "Dad?" Damien glanced up startled to find his son watching him
concerned. He could never get used to the way Ray's moods changed so
quickly. A moment ago he was mad enough to spit nails, now the detective
had a troubled but tender expression on his face as he knelt by his
father's chair, his hand surprisingly resting on Damien's knee. 
         "Yes, Son?" he returned just as softly, his eyes lingering over
Ray's face, thinking how much he looked like Barbara. 
         "Mum wants to see you." Ray informed as he lowered his eyes from
his Father's scrutiny and noticed the hand he had rested against his
Father's leg. He started to pull away and was surprised when Damien's hand
covered it with a firm-reassuring squeeze. 
         "Let's go see her then, son." He opted as he stood and released
Ray's hand, also lowering his gaze from his son's probing eyes. Fraser
watched both men walk into Barbara Kowalski's room, offering Ray a smile
of encouragement when the detective paused to pat Fraser's arm, a simple
gesture that said thanks for being here, then followed his Father inside. 
  

         "Oohhh." Barbara Kowalski moaned as Ray settled her in her bed
and pulled the covers around her. "It hurts, Stanley." Ray bit his lip and
retrieved her bag of medication, she was on so many different pills Ray
suspected they could open their own pharmacy, yet the doctors assured her
she needed all of them. Steroids to keep the lesions from swelling, pills
to fought nausea, pills for her Chemo, pills to help her sleep, pills to
help her pain, pills, pills and more pills! He found her painkillers and
poured her a glass of water from the pitcher they kept on her nightstand,
then helped her to drink. After three tries she still couldn't get the
even one of the pills down and Ray offered to crush them for her. 
         She had been on Chemo and Radiation treatments for the past six
weeks and was in constant pain it seemed to Ray. His mother could keep no
solid food down and complained that everything she ate or drank tasted
like metal, a common side effect from the chemo according to the doctors.
He, Damien and Fraser had tried every type of liquid, but they all tasted
the same to her and they worried she would get dehydrated if she continued
to refuse to drink. Her gag reflex seemed to be working over time, so that
the smallest morsel past her lips caused her to become nauseated and want
to throw it back up. 
         "Here we go." Ray announced returning with the crushed pills on a
spoon with a bit of strawberry jam mixed in and Barbara smiled when she
saw it. 
         "I used to give you your medicine that way." She reminisced and
Ray offered her a warm smile. 
         "Yep." He agreed as he sat next to her and held the spoon to her
lips. "Want me to do the airplane?" She chuckled weakly and shook her
head, opening her mouth and taking the spoonful of medication. It took her
a few swallows but she finally managed to get it down and Ray offered her
a few more sips of water. "Good girl." He teased and she smiled at him
again as he settled her carefully back against the pillows. 
         "Thank you Stanley." She sighed reaching across the comforter and
grasping her son's larger hand in hers. "I hate being such a bother." Ray
leaned over and kissed her forehead affectionately. 
         "Yer never a bother, yer my Mum." He stated simply and she
blinked back her tears. 
         "Do you think it's working, Sweetheart?" she asked quietly. "The
treatments?" Ray smiled encouragingly and caressed her cheek. 
         "If anyone can beat dis, Mum, it's you." He assured and she
smiled relieved. 
         "Then we'll beat it." She decided and allowed him to settle her
back against the many pillows she was forced to sleep on because if she
laid flat she couldn't breathe properly. Ray leaned in to give her a kiss
and she had already started to doze off. 
         "You'll be fine, Mum." He whispered softly as he caressed her
hair gently, trying not to show his distress when his hand came away with
a handful of his mother's graying locks. 
  

         "I like that one, dear." Barbara commented as the sales lady
showed her a variety of colorful turbans. Stella smiled and selected the
pale baby blue one and handed it to her ex-Mother in law. 
         "It's very pretty." She agreed as Barbara inspected the material.
"And so soft." 
         "It stretches to accommodate different sizes." The sales lady
offered kindly as Barbara fitted it over the scarf she currently wore. 
         "Its very becoming." Stella approved as the clerk tilted the
mirror so Barbara could see herself. 
         "Hmmm." She deliberated. "I just don't know." She removed the
turban and selected another one in forest green. "This one is pretty too
and it's Stanley's favorite color." Stella shook her head and scowled. 
         "You're the one who will be wearing them, Mom." She reminded.
"Not Ray." Barbara gave her a probing look and tried on the turban. 
         "I like green too, Stella." She returned decisively. "You're
always picking on my Stanley." Stella sighed at the age-old argument she
knew was coming. "You know you were both meant to be together I don't
understand..." 
         "Please, Mom." She pleaded. "Let's not start that now. We're here
to have a fun day shopping, remember?" Barbara nodded and selected the
blue, a soft pink one and the green, which she decided she would wear over
her scarf for the time being, unwilling to remove the wrapping in public;
she was still very self conscious of her lack of hair. 
         Barbara was having a good day today, not over tired as she had
been and hardly any nausea at all. It had been almost three months now and
she had started to feel like her old self, except when she tried to sleep.
She had such terrible pain and trouble breathing at times she settle for
dozing on and off in the recliner in the living room most times, a quilt
wrapped firmly around her by either her son or her husband. 
         "Where to next then?" Barbara asked brightly and Stella smiled at
the reprieve as the sales woman rang up their purchases. 
         "Do you think you could eat something?" Stella suggested,
hopefully and Barbara nodded. 
         "I think I might swallow a bite of ice cream or two." She
admitted and Stella laughed. Ice cream seemed to be the one thing that the
older woman could eat and if that was what it took to put weight on her
all too thin frame, Stella would buy her all the ice cream she would eat.
They stopped at a small café in the mall, each deciding on a cone as they
settled in a small table. 
         "Who is dis magnificent looking vision before me?" a familiar
voice inquired and both woman glanced up from their conversation just as
Ray knelt next to his mother and took her free hand in both of his. "Say
you'll run away and marry me or Goddess of my heart." Barbara laughed
delighted at her son's shanagins and  leaned forward to kiss his cheek
adoringly. 
         "You silly thing." She scolded lightly, her face glowing as she
stared down at the man who would always be her darling baby boy. She
smiled up as Fraser greeted them as well and raised her cheek for the
Mountie's dutiful kiss. "We've been shopping." She indicated her new
turban. "Do you like it? It's in your favorite color, Stanley." Ray smiled
at her. 
         "It makes you look like Royalty, Mum." He offered gently, his
gaze flicking toward Stella, who was unusually quiet. "Hey Stell." 
         "Ray." She returned coolly. "Constable Fraser. What brings you
too boys here-not enough bad guys on the streets that you're bagging
shoplifters now?" 
         "Dat's real funny Stella." Ray returned sarcastically. "I'll have
ta write dat one down, Fraser remind me ta write dat down, will ya?" 
         "Stop it both of you." Barbara demanded and both Stella and Ray
bowed their heads in penance. "Why can't you both be civil to each other?
You love one another so much and all you care about is hurting each
other." 
         "I'm sorry, Mum." Ray offered quickly, not wanting to her to get
upset. "I'm a jerk, Stella knows dat so she gives me a hard time. Please
don't get upset over it." 
         "Stanley you are not a jerk." She determined exasperated. "I'd
give you both a good spanking if I was feeling better." Stella smiled as
Ray took a bite of his mother's ice cream, which she waved in front of
him. " Why are you here?" 
         "Ray and I were called in to investigate a robbery at Coles
Jewelry store on the upper level." Fraser explained as Ray straightened to
his feet. 
         "Will you be over for dinner tonight?" she asked them both and
Ray shook his head. 
         "We're workin' late tonight Mum." He stated as his phone rang.
"Vecchio." 
         "I can't get used to him answering his phone like that." Barbara
confided to Fraser and Stella as her son moved away slightly to hear the
caller better. 
         "Ray loves undercover assignments." Stella confirmed wryly. "He
doesn't have to deal with his real life that way." Fraser actually glared
at her and she returned his gaze startled by the hostility. 
         "Ray's real life, despite it's problems, is exactly what he is
dealing with, Ms. Kowalski." He concluded boldly. "Wouldn't you agree?"
Stella glanced at Barbara whose attention was still drawn to her son, and
finally she nodded. Ray had more than enough on his plate then to have her
bitchiness added to it, and he was dealing with it. Stella had never seen
a son more devoted to his mother as Ray was to Barbara and shame burned
within her for having to be reminded by the Canadian of what was Ray's
current reality. 
          "Gotta  go catch some bad guys, Mum." The detective announced
returning to the table and bending down to give his mother a quick hug. 
         "You be careful sweetheart." She ordered and Ray gave her a
reassuring smile. 
         "See you later." He promised as Fraser tipped his hat to them. 
         "Ladies." He offered and moved too follow Ray, but was pulled
back by Barbara for a brief hug as well. 
         "You take care of my boy, Benton." She requested kissing his
cheek 
affectionately. "I want you both safe." 
         "I'll do my best, Ma'am." He promised softly. 
         "Pitter patter, buddy, com'ahn." Ray reminded and they were off. 
         "Ray?" Stella called out suddenly, rising from the table and
watching her ex-husband turn in surprise. "Be careful out there." Ray
stared at her for a long moment, then smiled and nodded. 
         "You too, Stell." He returned, then jogged to catch up with
Fraser, who had stopped up ahead too wait on him. Barbara reached across
the table to grasp Stella's hand fondly and the women shared a smile. 

  
         "Stanley! Damien!" Barbara called from the bedroom and Fraser
rose from his perch on the sofa and moved toward the room. He paused just
inside the doorway. "Stanley?" 
         "They went to the store for some groceries, Mrs. Kowalski He
explained gently to the forlorn woman nestled in the bed under dozens of
extra blankets. She always complained of the cold, the doctors mentioned
it was because she had so little body fat left that there was hardly any
insulation left between her and the elements, so they made sure to keep
her bundled up. The treatments lowered her immune system so drastically
that she could catch phnemonia from a small cold or chill. "Can I be of
any assistance?" 
         "I...I don't know." Barbara looked away distressed. "I need my
husband..I...I need Stanley to help me." Fraser moved further into the
room, sympathetic to her distress and embarrassment. 
         "They aren't here, Ma'am." He repeated. "Are you sure I cannot
help?" She glanced at him, her lower lip quivered and she lowered her eyes
again. 
         "I...I feel so...so helpless." She sobbed and Fraser moved closer
still, then he understood why she was so ashamed, as the distinct scent of
urine reached his nostrils. 
         "It isn't your fault." He assured softly reaching out a hand to
her. "Let me help you." 
         "You won't tell them, will you?" she cried frightened and Fraser
shook his head. 
         "Of course not." He moved toward the connecting bathroom and
turned on the faucets, adjusting the temper to steady warmth, then
returning to the bedroom and pulling back the covers. 
         "I feel so silly." She moaned as Fraser wiped her eyes with a
tissue, then lifted her from the bed. He tried not to show his own
distress over how little she seemed to weigh and he could feel each and
every one of the bones on her thin frame pressing against his fingers. He
wanted to hold her and somehow absorb all her embarrassment and pain, but
he didn't have the ability to do that and he felt as just as helpless that
he could not help her fight this debilitating disease. 
         "It isn't your fault." He reminded setting her carefully on her
feet and allowing her to brace herself with the sink, as he pulled away
her sodden nightgown and under garments. He schooled his features as he
tried hard not to stare at the flesh that seemed to be literally hanging
off of the older woman before him, offering no padding of any kind to mar
the illusion of the frail bones beneath it. God, she looked like someone
from a prison death camp that had been whipped and starved for months. Her
once flushed pink skin was labeled with dark purple and blue bruises, some
possibly acquired simply by tossing and turning in her bed, since she had
nothing to protect her from any kind of firm surface. 
         "Thank you Stanley." She sighed as he settled her into the water,
a foam cushion under her to keep further bruising from the surface of the
hard ceramic tub. He smiled, not bothering to correct her and handed her a
sponge and some soap as he went to change the sheets. 
         She often made the mistake of calling him by her son's name, or
sometimes she'd even called him a name he'd never heard of, such as Rodney
or Chad, perhaps people in her past. Sometimes she called Ray by his
Father's name, once or twice she called Ray Benton. 
         Fraser placed the soiled sheets in a bag he would carry to the
laundry room in Ray's building and sprayed the mattress with Febreeze and
disinfectant, then turned it over to let it dry and placed clean sheets
over the clean side of the mattress. He returned to the bathroom to check
on Mrs. Kowalski, who was sitting there shivering miserably in the tub,
already she had grown chilled and so he carefully lifted her out, wrapped
a large towel around her and carried her back to bed. He had her dressed,
in a clean night gown and sleeping soundly when Ray and his Father
returned a few moments later. Fraser choose to honor his promise to Mrs.
Kowalski and not speak of what had occurred, when they asked how she was
doing. 
  
  

         "I remember when you used to crawl into bed with me late at
night, when yer Dad was gone and you were having nightmares and seeing
monsters in yer closets." Barbara remarked fondly, as Ray gave her the
required medication and settled her in the bed. His Father had decided to
run a few errands while Ray was around to care for his Mother. It seemed
Barbara spent most of her time in bed now, it was getting increasingly
difficult for her to move about on her own and so she elected to stay in
bed despite her family's probing to be up and about. Ray was sensing she
was becoming depressed and found she was dwelling on the past at every
opportunity, yet he would listen to her stories each and every time with
patience, for she often didn't remember that she had told him the same
ones earlier in the day. The Chemo effects lasted longer with the more
recent treatments and his Mother no longer cooked or bothered to try and
live a normal life. They all tried to help her, but aside from yelling at
her to either get up and keep living or lay down and die; which Ray was
frustrated enough to do at the moment, there was little that they could
say to change her mind. 
         "Well, I couldn't when Dad was here he never let me." Ray
defended, deciding to keep her talking and possibly lift her spirits more.
"Always told me I was a big boy and shouldn't be holdin' on ta my Mum's
apron strings." Barbara started to laugh, but ended up coughing so Ray
gave her some more water. 
         "But you were still just a baby." She protested. "You were
frightened and..." 
         "Wanna know a secret, Mum?" Ray asked suddenly and she nodded
intrigued. "I never saw monsters in my closet and only some of the time
did I actually have nightmares." 
         "Then why did you tell me you had?" she demanded surprised and he
grinned sheepishly. 
         "I liked sleepin' with you, ya always let me cuddle up to you and
ya were always so warm and soft and smelled nice." He shrugged. "I guess I
was a Mama's Boy." Barbara chuckled again and pulled him to her, enfolding
him in her arms and settling his head against her breast. She had to sleep
propped up on three or four pillows because she found it difficult to
breathe otherwise, and it seemed to add to her own softness. 
         "You can sleep with yer ol' Mum any time you want, my sweet boy."
She promised soothing her fingers over Ray's hair lovingly. Ray snuggled
against her, pulling his legs up beside hers and twisting so he wasn't
actually lying on her and draped an arm tenderly around her waist. 
         "I love you Mum." He whispered against her and felt her smile. 
         "I love you Stanley." She sighed sleepily, the pills finally
taking effect. "My sweet Stanley." 

  
         Damien glanced in at his son and wife sleeping soundly in the
large bed and felt once again the pain and loss of having not gotten to
know the kind of man his son had grown into. Ray was certainly the one
keeping things together since they had found out about Barbara's illness,
Damien hadn't known what to do. He and Ray took turns driving Barbara for
her treatments, which wasn't very far since they had gotten permission to
stake their trailer in Ray's apartment building lot from his landlady, and
the hospital was only a few blocks away. 
         Ray stopped in every morning to see his mother before he left for
work an in the beginning Barbara was usually waiting with breakfast for
him, except on the days she had Chemo and the very next day following,
when she would still be too ill to get out of bed.  Originally Ray and
Damien had tried to get her to rest more but she said she looked forward
to cooking for her son, it gave her a sense of normality and she loved
that she got to see him more now. Many times she would have dinner waiting
for him and Fraser as well, much to Damien's discomfort. He didn't think
she should be doing so much and he still was not entirely comfortable
around the Mountie, despite Fraser's obvious attempts to win him over. The
last month or so however Barbara seemed to be giving up, spending most of
her time in her bed and not wanting to do anything but sleep, because
sleep was a release from her pain and discomfort. 
        Now, the Mountie was at his door looking for his son, who was
supposed to meet him and discuss a case and that was when Damien found Ray
and his mother asleep. He had stepped out to run some errands while Ray
was taking care of Barbara and neglected to check on Barbara when he
returned, he had assumed she was sleeping and didn't want to wake her by
opening the door. Then Fraser arrived looking for Ray and Damien had gone
to ask his wife if she had seen their son. 
        "Raymond." He whispered gently shaking his son awake, hoping he
didn't bolt up as he sometimes did when first roused. Instead, as if
sensing the fragile woman lying next to him, Ray's eyes opened quickly at
the sound of his Father's voice, but he stilled his body from any sudden
movements. "Yer Mounties here, Son." Ray blinked then carefully unfolded
himself from the bed and the warmth of his mother's arms, trying not to
wake her. 
        "His name's Fraser, Dad." Ray whispered back, knowing full well
that his Father knew his partner's name. Damien avoided the comment and
asked. 
        "How was she today?" 
        "A trooper as always." Ray sighed tiredly. "She was in a lot of
pain when we got back so I gave her a couple of pain pills, had to crush
'em for her she couldn't swallow them hole." Damien nodded and pulled the
cover closer around his wife's shoulders. 
        "Doctor say anything about the swelling going down?" he inquired
as the quietly left the room and closed the door. 
        "He said the lesions have gone down some, not as much as they
hoped, she'll have to continue with the radiation, but he said she should
be able to go to the pills for her Chemo for the majority of her
treatments for now." Ray informed solemnly. "Dr. Brook said we have to get
her up and walking around or what muscel ability she does have will stop
working from lack of use and she won't be able to get up on her own at
all." Damien nodded and sighed as Ray waved at Fraser who stood waiting
for them in the living room, still in his red serge. "Hey, Fraser, sorry
fer standin' ya up." Fraser offered him a small smile. 
        "Perfectly alright, Ray." He assured as Damien pulled out a cigar
from his box by the recliner and started to light it. "How is your mother
doing?" Ray didn't answer him, instead Fraser watched his partner snatch
the cigar and lighter from his Father's hands. 
        "If yer gonna smoke that junk take it outside." He ordered and
Damien stared at him indignantly. 
        "This is my house, Raymond." He reminded coolly. "I'll do as I
like in my own home 
         "Dis is Mum's home too." Ray countered belligerently. "You
remember her don't cha, the woman in the bedroom dyin' of lung cancer?"
Damien paled. 
        "Yer mother never smoked in her life and I never..." he sputtered
frightened and Ray gathered his emotions tighter around him, fighting the
urge to say what was on his mind, to allow the anger through. 
        "Please, Dad." He finally managed benevolently. "I'm sorry I
just...I just think you should smoke outside for now, no sense adding to
da trouble, okay?" 
        "Son," Damien began as Ray lowered his eyes. "If I started to
smoke outside yer Mother would notice and she'd think I was fussing over
her condition. She wants us to treat her like normal." 
        "Tell her I asked you to do it, den." Ray offered and watched his
Father frown. 
        "You must think yer some kinda special if you think just because I
have your blessing she'll approve it." He griped. "Your Mum is still her
own person, Raymond, she isn't completely manipulated by you." Ray glared
at him. 
        "I do not manipulate Mum." He defended angrily. "I just...." 
        "What do you call her cleaning your apartment and ironing your
laundry and..." 
        "I don't ask her to do any of those things!" Ray exclaimed then
lowered his voice as he remembered the woman sleeping in the other room.
"I've tried to get her not to do dem but she won't listen she..." 
        "That's right, she does as she likes without any coercion from
us." Damien decided firmly, glad to finally get a point out with his son.
Ray stared at him, started to speak a few times then closed his mouth with
a snap and tossed the lighter and cigar angrily onto the table next to
them. 
        "Damien! Stanley!" Barbara Kowalski's voice rang out from behind
them and all three men turned startled to find the object of their
discussion standing in the door or her bedroom, braced against the
archway, her bathrobe wrapped loosly around her and her pink turban on.
Ray and Damien moved toward her automatically, both men speaking
simultaneously. 
        "Mum you shouldn't be up." 
        "Honey you should be resting." She waved both of them back and
indicated Fraser, who had been standing by the front door, uncomfortably
watching the heated exchange. 
        "Who can rest with the both of you at each other's throats?" she
demanded. "Besides you have both been after me to get my butt out of bed,
so quit complaining." She gripped the door frame weakly and motioned to
Fraser. "Come here please, Benton." All three men exchanged a puzzled
glance but Fraser moved quickly to her side, offering his arm politely to
help steady her. "Help me to the sofa dear." 
Fraser carefully led her to the sofa and settled her and Ray fetched a
blanket for her legs, since she seemed to catch chill much easier now that
she was ill. She snatched the quilt from her son and spread it herself
then patted the space beside her for Fraser to sit. "I'd like to apologize
for my son and husband, Benton. They never have gotten on well,  I suspect
because they're entirely too much alike." 
        "We are not!" 
        "In a pigs eye!" Barbara sent both men a scolding look for their
comments. 
        "Out, both of you." She ordered to their chagrin. "I wish to speak
with Benton." Both looked like they were about to protest, then decided
that had better not push it and stepped outside the trailer as Barbara
turned her attention back to Fraser. 
        "I wonder if you might bring me some of that bark tea on your next
visit, I managed to get that down better than anything else I've tried and
the doctor said I am getting too dehydrated." Fraser offered her a warm
smile. 
        "I would be happy to bring you some, Mrs. Kowalski." He agreed,
delighted that she had finally risen form her bed of her own accord, and
she patted his hand affectionately. 
        "None of that." She decided. "You've been such a great help to me
and my Stanley, you must call me either Barbara or Mum, whichever you're
more comfortable with. " Fraser lowered his eyes for a moment. 
        "Thank you kindly, Mrs...Barbara." He amended and she smiled. "May
I make a suggestion regarding your liquid intake?" She nodded intrigued.
"Well, my superior officer, Inspector Thatcher has a friend who has also
been diagnosed with Cancer and she had the same problem with keeping
things down. She discovered that regular orange soda became her
salivation, though she had to drink it non carbonated or flat so it didn't
irate her throat." 
        "Thank you Benton." Barbara offered pleased. "I'll have to try
that. Has your Inspector's friend had the Cancer long?" Fraser nodded. 
        "She had it two years ago but she is currently in remission." 
        "Good for her, I hope I am as lucky." She remarked and Fraser's
expression softened. 
        "As do I ma'am." He admitted. "The Vecchio's and Inspector
Thatcher asked that I inform you that you are in their prayers." Barbara
blinked back her tears and squeezed his hand. 
        "May I ask you a favor, Benton?" she asked quietly. "I know we
haven't known each other very long but..." 
        "Anything you wish if I may be of service to you." He returned
kindly and she smiled. 
        "I'm not kidding myself here, I know my chances of beating this
thing is slim at best," she admitted. Still I'm hopeful I will receive a
miracle and I will fight it to the last." 
        "I know you will." Fraser agreed quietly and she nodded. 
        "I...I can see that you and Stanley are very close and I
understand when your other friend returns that Stanley will no longer be
your partner." 
        "Your son may not always be my partner, Barbara." Fraser allowed.
"But he will always be my friend, regardless of whatever else happens. I
owe him too much not to allow our friendship to continue." 
        "You owe him, but do you really care for him, Benton?" she
prodded. "I..I know that isn't really my business, but I have to know if
you feel...just a duty to my son or if it is something real." Fraser
thought for a moment, choosing his words carefully as always. 
        "Ray is...." He paused again, it was so difficult to describe what
he felt for his friend, and it was just there encompassing him. "Ray is
probably the most intriguing person I have ever met. He has so many
different personas it seems a task to learn which is the real Ray, then
you learn that they all are in very special and unique ways. I cannot
imagine my life without Ray in it, without having his brightness to push
back my own inner darkness. I have learned a great deal from him, I am
still learning and I envy his...his ability to let people know how he
feels. I find it difficult to do so but he is teaching me little by little
to let go of my fears and my need for control." He paused a moment, his
eyes wandering to a picture of partner in his dress blues, displayed on
the hutch across from them. "My other Ray, Ray Vecchio is very much a
stable persona, he is predictable, often solemn and confident, very much
unlike your son, but I value his friendship as well." He shook his head,
words failing him. 
        "You love him?" Barbara  suggested and Fraser lowered his gaze. 
        "I...care deeply for them both." He countered softly. "I do not
know where my feelings of friendship ends and love begins, the feelings
are just there." Barbara nodded. "What was it you wanted to ask of me?" 
        "I was going to ask you to take care of my Stanley." She stated
decidedly. "In case I...well if the Cancer wins I know my baby will take
it very hard and I don't want him to keep his grief bottled up inside."
She shook her head. "He's so much like Damien, neither wanting to show the
other when they're hurting then afraid to show when the care. I know my
Stanley, he'll keep it to himself like he did with Stella and he'll allow
it to eat him up inside." 
        "I'll do my best to be there for him." Fraser promised and she
smiled. 
        "I know you will, you were there for him when he heard about the
news of Stella's engagement too, weren't you?" she asked. "I could tell
because he seemed to be okay with it when I saw him at the hospital, so
you must have helped him talk it out." Fraser tried to hide his shock. Ray
had said nothing about his ex-wife remarrying, was that the news Stella
had delivered that had caused Ray so much anguish that day in the
precinct? Had made him break down and sob in the shower, when Fraser
walked into the locker room and heard his friend's soft cries. Ray had
pretended nothing was wrong when he emerged to give Fraser a turn at the
shower. 
         The detective had never gotten around to telling him what had
upset him so, as he'd promised and frankly Fraser had forgotten about it
until now, because it was the same day Ray got the call about his mother
being in the hospital. After that he doubted his partner had any time to
dwell on Stella with his Mother's illness taking up what little free time
he had.  Stella had even stopped by regularly, according to Barbara, but
always when Ray wouldn't be there, like during his working hours, so they
never saw each other. Had Ray been grieving for two people and not told
him? He would have to remedy that, for he had noticed the detective was
looking tired and pale lately. 
        "Can we come in now?" Ray called from the door and his mother
laughed, waving them inside. "Let's go Fraser, we were gonna talk about
dat case." 
        "Certainly Ray." Fraser agreed rising as Damien settled next to
his wife. 
        "Boy, my son barks and you jump, hey?" he commented, receiving a
slap on the shoulder from his wife and a glare from his son. Fraser merely
eyed him unconcerned, he was honestly tired of trying to win this man's
approval for the sake of his friend. 
        "Ray is my partner and my friend and I trust him to know that
whatever he asks of me is justifiable." He stated remembering Ray's words
to his father over the phone, referring to Fraser as his family. "Isn't
that what family is all about, Sir?" Barbara hid her smile behind her
hand, Ray chose to show his amusement and grinned broadly as Damien
shifted uncomfortably next to his wife and looked away from the Mountie,
who now addressed Barbara. "I will bring you that bark tea tomorrow and
remember what I suggested about the soda." 
        "Thank you Benton." Barbara returned sweetly as she accepted a
goodbye kiss from her son, then raised her cheek to the Mountie as Ray
straightened. "May I have a kiss from you too? I can never get too much
affection, I'm like my son." Fraser smiled and bent to kiss her cheek
tenderly, ignoring Damien's scowl of disapproval, choosing instead to
raise an eyebrow at his partner who put up a warning hand. 
        "She's joking, Fraser." He assured. "Do not even think of kissin'
me-da buddy breathin' thing still gives me nightmares." Barbara laughed
and even Damien cracked a smile, having heard the tale of the adventure on
the Mackenzie. 
        "You have nightmares from almost drowning, Ray." Fraser amended,
his blue eyes alight with mischief.  "Surely not from me kissing you."
Ray's eyes grew wide at Fraser's teasing. 
        "You said..." he began but Fraser was already ushering him out the
door after a polite goodbye to Ray's parents, who was laughing as both men
took their leave. 
Ray gave him a playful shove the moment they were out the door and headed
across the lot to Ray's apartment. 
        "Yer gonna get me in trouble wit da folks, dere, Fraser." He
warned as they entered Ray's building and headed up the stairs. 
        "No more than usual I would imagine." Fraser returned calmly as
they walked down the hallway to Ray's apartment and Ray grinned. "After
all, you were the one who brought up kissing, Ray."  Ray inserted the key
into his door and turned the lock, knocking the door open with a gentle
push. 
        "Har de har wise guy- ya know dat wasn't what I meant." He watched
Fraser close the door behind them and regarded the Mountie suspiciously
for a long moment. "You did say dat was normal procedure, right?" 
        "Of course, Ray." Fraser offered easing his friend's sudden doubts
but finding amusements inn them at the same time. "All Mounties know how
to kiss Ray." Ray nodded then his brain processed the other man's words
more clearly and he turned on him. 
        "Fraser!:" he exclaimed frustrated. "Quit kiddin' around! You said
nothin...changed, you did I heard you and..." 
        "Relax Ray." Fraser smiled letting his friend off the hook. "I am
only teasing. Buddy Breathing is a form of CPR recommended in all types of
medical training." He watched Ray's shoulder's sag with relief as he moved
into the kitchen and retrieved soda's for them both. 
        "Don't do dat, buddy." He sighed. "I'm wound tighter dan a drum
and ya all of a sudden decide ta get a sense of humor, it ain't funny. I
started ta think somethin' had changed and..." 
        "Well, something did change, Ray." Fraser interrupted settling on
a stool as his partner passed a soda to him over the breakfast counter.
Ray glared at him. 
        "What changed Fraser?" he demanded, obviously not in the mood to
be teased any longer. 
        "We decided to remain partners, developed a better understanding
of each other." Fraser stated calmly. "We confirmed that there is a time
for logic and a time for instinct and not always do either work all of the
time." Ray relaxed again and nodded, allowing a smile to form on his lips.

        "Yah, I guess we did at that, hey Buddy?" he agreed. 
        "I believe so, Ray." Fraser offered sipping his drink. "May I ask
you something?" Ray shrugged, his signal to go ahead. "Was it Stella's
engagement that caused you so much distress that day at the precinct?" Ray
stared at him for a long moment then grabbed his soda and moved to the
phone. 
        "I'm hungry, ya wanna order a pizza?" Fraser played with the tab
on his can thoughtfully, knowing if he waited long enough Ray would quit
dodging the original question. "I think I'll order one, Mum's got me
spoiled on her cooking, I hardly ever get to act like a pig anymore and
eat somethin' hot, greasy and full a calories." Still Fraser was silent,
but remained watchful as Ray placed the call and ordered their pizza.
Finally Ray hung up and glared at him. "Quit wit the Mountie stare
already!" 
        "I don't understand what you mean, Ray." Fraser defied and
received a harder glare from his partner. 
        "Dat look you get when ya think I should be either doin' or
tellin' ya somethin' I don't feel like doin' or tellin'." Ray accused. "Da
same one ya give me when ya think I'm steppin' over da line wit a suspect
or when I refuse ta see a different point of view or when I sneak a
doughnut to Dief on occasion." Fraser bit the inside of his cheek to keep
from smiling; did he have a look that did all that? How interesting, he
was multi-talented and didn't even know it. 
        "That's just silly, Ray." He opted for his usual line and when
Ray's eyes rolled upward he knew he had made the correct choice. Like
taking candy from a baby sometimes, other times the volatile detective
exploded and they ended up arguing, but he sensed Ray was more exasperated
with him that frustrated, his frustration was what always led him to anger
quickly. 
        "Where is Dief by the way?" Ray asked suddenly, again 
successfully avoiding Fraser's first question. 
        "I decided he should stay home this evening, he got into a cake
Turnbull was preparing for Inspector Thatcher's dinner party and I felt he
needed to be punished. 
        "What spending the day with Thatcher and Turnbull isn't punishment
enough?" Ray taunted. "Ya had to deny him my divine presence as well?"
Fraser smirked, knowing the wolf looked forward to seeing the detective
each and every day. 
        "Yes, well, he did eat and entire three tier cake and I don't
think even you would want the remains of that cake, once it truly is
digested, to be all over your furniture; which is prone to happen when
Diefenbaker gorges himself." Ray grimaced as Fraser knew he would. 
        "Ah...good point dere, Benton, buddy." Ray decided as they moved
to the sofa and settled down beside each other comfortably. 
        "So, are you ready to tell me yet?" Fraser inquired once again
taking a sip of his soda, then setting it in the table next to Ray's. 
        "Yes." Ray sighed defeated, as he leaned his head back and closed
his eyes. Fraser was like a dog with a bone sometimes, and he had promised
to talk to him about it he just never got the chance with his mothers
sudden illness. "Stell's gettin' married to some hot shot lawyer in a
couple of months, they're honeymooning in Acapulco before buying a house
here in da bay area." Fraser frowned, watching his friend concerned. 
        How could Stella be so cruel as to even mention a honeymoon and
buying a house to Ray, a man who still loved her so very much. He could
understand Ray's distress, what he had probably been thinking when Stella
had told him. A house meant they would probably be starting a family,
something Stella had refused Ray and eventually divorced him over. No
wonder the detective had been so distraught and the urge to swear almost
overwhelmed Fraser at his unkind thoughts of the woman that seemed to be
constantly hurting his friend. 
        "Are you okay? " he asked quietly and Ray nodded. 
        "Just tired, buddy. " He sighed. "Just really tired. " Fraser
nodded and sat quietly, allowing his partner to drift off to sleep before
carefully positioning him more comfortably on the sofa and pulling a quilt
over him. 
  

         "I'm afraid the Cancer has moved to her throat. " Doctor O'Neil
informed Damien and Ray quietly, as they sat in the small office across
from him. 
         "I thought she was in remission! " Ray protested. His Mother had
been eating regularly, going for walks, gaining weight, back to her old
self. He couldn't understand how she could be getting sicker, as they had
decided to stop the treatments a little over a month ago. The Doctor shook
his head grimly. 
         "I don't believe she was." He denied. "We did stop the treatments
to see if her own immune system would start to build up again but the
Cancer took advantage of that time and spread. The steroids and radiation
we were giving her have not helped to thin out the legions, but we can try
a more aggressive form of radiation and of course the Chimo will also have
to be heightened..." Ray bolted from his chair angrily. 
         "The last bout of Chimo almost killed her!" he exclaimed furious.
"You can't honestly mean to put her back to that again? " 
         "It's the only way..." the doctor began but Damien cut him off. 
        "What are her chances without the Chimo? " he asked quietly and
Ray stared at him in disbelief, he knew the Chimo-as bad as it was the
only chance his Mother had of surviving the cancer. 
         "Without further treatments the cancer would spread even more
rapidly, I would estimate a couple of months at best, I am sorry" 
         "Dad she has to take the Chimo. " Ray protested. "There's no
other way...."Damien stood and turned to his son. 
         "Your Mother and I discussed this, Raymond. " He informed firmly.
"She said if the Cancer came back that she didn't want to go through the
treatments again-it's just to hard on her son. " 
         "You discussed this? " Ray repeated outraged. "Where the hell was
I when you had this discussion? " 
         "Raymond you..." 
         "You're going to let her die, just like that? " he screamed.
"Without a fight you're going to let her give up?" 
         "Son I..." 
         "Dad how could you? " Ray wasn't listening, all he could feel was
his parents betrayal at keeping this from him. "You decided without even
asking me what I thought? She's my Mother! " 
         "And she's my wife damnit! " Damien exclaimed his own anger
rising. "Like it or not, son, you are not part of this equation. Your
Mother is the one to make the decision and the only person she really has
to consult is me, her husband-you have no say in the matter. " Ray reeled
back against the wall as though he had been stuck and stared at his Father
in shock. 
         "Go to hell. " He finally hissed, grabbing his jacket and
storming out, despite his Father's calling for him to return. Damien
Kowalski stared after his son's departing back, unaware of the tears
chorusing down his cheeks. 

         Ray parked next to the abandoned building and sat quietly in his
car for a long moment before finally getting out and walking along the
pier, his hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket. The water
made a soft soothing rhythmic sound as it lapped against the dock pillars
below him and his boots echoed in the empty darkness around him. A cold
breeze pulled in off the water but he did not feel it's icy touch, even as
it pulled at his hair and the collar of his jacket, for his mind was
elsewhere and his body already numb from a cold much worse than that of a
north wind. 
         Even the sounds of the city in the evening were lost to him, for
he had abandoned the ability to feel hours ago, when it was still
daylight, and he had walked out of the hospital. His Father's words
echoing in his head as a painful reminder of all he had lost. He had
driven aimlessly throughout the city, until he had ended up here. He
didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn, so all he could do was
walk as the rage and frustration inside him continued to swell. 
         Suddenly he spotted a small piece of metal piping and bent to
retrieve it. He hefted it tightly in his hands then wildly lashed out with
it at the thing closest to him, a window of one of the buildings. He hit
at it again and again, over and over until there was nothing left then he
struck the wall, the drainpipe another window. He smashed the crates
stacked around him; anything and everything he could physically damage
until his anger was finally spent and he dropped to his knees and allowed
the pipe to slip from his hands. 
         "Why? " he sobbed raising his eyes to the stars above him. "WHY!
" His tortured scream echoed for blocks, causing the few people out and
about to turn their heads in wonder. 
  

         "Mum, you have to eat! " Ray sighed exasperated as he held the
spoon to his mother's mouth, but she turned away belligerently. She was
becoming more and more difficult to deal with as her temper was short and
the added pressure of having to depend on others caused her to be sullen
and unresponsive. No one could blame her really, since she had decided to
stop the treatments the Cancer had indeed attacked her full force, sapping
her energy and confining her to a bed or wheel chair. She could no longer
go to the bathroom by herself, she had little control over her bladder and
other bodily functions, she was down to a mere eighty three pounds and she
tended to babble in coherently at phantoms only she seemed to be witness
to. 
         Ray had moved into the mobile home and taken a leave of absence
to help his Father care for Barbara, which was now a full time job. They
both agreed not to put her into palliative care until the very last
moment, choosing the difficult task of taking care of all her needs
themselves. Although they had a great amount of love and support, the task
drained both of them enormously. Fraser, Stella, and Frannie spelled the
two men regularly, allowing them to catch a few hours sleep or a shower
and a bite to eat. Barbara Kowalski had lost the ability to speak, because
of the cancer in her throat, and her frustration and not being understood
or unable to communicate with those around her took its toll on all of
them. 
         "Am I gonna have ta do the airplane, Mum? " Ray teased her,
trying a different tactic. "Okay, here it comes...just like you did wit me
when you made me take all that awful cough syrup as a kid, now I'm gonna
make you take some of this possibly awful soup that Dad made. " There was
a ghost of a smile on her lips but she still didn't open her mouth and
take the food. "Okay, pay backs are hell, Mum, I warned ya. " He made such
ridiculous noises for the plane that Barbara ended up opening her mouth
out of sheer amusement and Ray took advantage to prop the spoon inside.
"Gotcha! " 
         "Are you giving your son a hard time, Mom? " Stella asked kindly
as she dropped a reassuring hand on Ray's shoulder. "He doesn't understand
we girls have to watch what we eat, so let's see what he's trying to feed
you? " She tasted the soup and made a face, even though it was perfectly
well prepared. "Yuck, no wonder you don't want that stuff." She smiled and
pulled out a Popsicle from behind her back and unwrapped it. "This is more
your style I think, Hmmm? " Barbara accepted the treat sullenly, but
started to suck on it as Stella held it to her lips. 
         "Thank you. " Ray whispered to Stella as he allowed her to take
his seat at the table and she cast her sympathetic eyes to his already
tear-filled ones. 
         "Go take a shower. " She suggested softly. "You'll feel better. "
Ray nodded and stepped out of the motor home and walked slowly toward his
apartment building. He managed to get inside his apartment, but had to
grip the counter next to the door to keep his legs under him. His head was
spinning, he was on the verge of a breakdown and he knew it, yet he
couldn't even get across the hall to the bathroom. He didn't sleep any
more, if he was here in his apartment he kept waiting for the phone to
ring and his father calling about a problem with his mother, if he slept
in the trailer he spent the entire night listening to his mother's moans
and gasps for breath, afraid she would choke in her sleep or die while he
wasn't watching her. 
         "Ray? " A soft voice called from behind and Ray turned toward his
partner, who was once again in civilian clothes. "Are you alright? " Ray
started to nod that he was but his head didn't want to obey any better
then the rest of his body. Fraser moved inside and helped him to the sofa,
then returned to close the door as Dief settled at Ray's side
sympathetically.  "Are you okay?" Fraser repeated and Ray nodded, though
he didn't open his eyes and his Adam's apple was bobbing up and down
furiously as though trying to swallow something that wouldn't stay down. 
         Fraser suspected it was a lump the size of a baseball, connected
to a rush of tears that threatened to break on the detective as well.
Fraser remembered that feeling all to well, such as when Victoria had
re-entered his life and he had lit the candles to get her to return to
him. When he returned and found his best friend had been replaced. When he
watched the man sitting beside him sob brokenly late one night in a
darkened vehicle, and when the same man had hit him viciously on the
waterfront that fateful day. Yes, Fraser knew that feeling well and
something prodded him to move closer to Ray and drape an arm around the
detective's shoulders, closing his own eyes in gratitude as he felt Ray
move into his embrace and allowed his tears to flow. This time he had done
the right thing, this time he would offer Ray the kind of support his
friend needed. 
        "I f...feel like my life is f..fallin' apart." Ray confessed
through his sobs. "I...I lost Stella and maybe will loose my Mum fer good,
Fraser an...I...I can't handle it." Fraser continued to hold him, his
hands running soothing circles over Ray's back as his other hand smoothed
the blond hair that was tucked under his chin. "I...I'm tryin ta be strong
an' brave fer Mum, but she's so sick and she...she looks....she looks..."
His voice broke and Fraser bit his lip to keep his own tears back. 
        "Understood." He whispered. He had heard that there would be a
drastic change in Mrs. Kowalski's appearance, the doctors informed them
that all Cancer patients go through it, but still it was distressing to
witness. Barbara had lost the majority of her body weight, and since she
was a small woman, it left very little to work with. 
         She had lost her hair, and dropped to only eighty-three pounds.
She had her good days, in the beginning, but these past weeks had been
filled with only bad days as the woman grew weaker and weaker and was
sometimes delusional. He could only guess at the anguish Damien and Ray
were going through watching the woman they loved so dearly, who had always
been furiously lively and independent, was now wasting away and having to
depend on someone else to even go to the bathroom. 
        "What do I do, Frase?" Ray asked resigned. "How...how do I save my
Mum when I can't see what we're fightin'?" 
        "Just be there for her, Ray." Fraser suggested gently. "Let her
know that she is loved and help make it easier for her however way we
can." Ray nodded and sniffed as he slowly sat up and accepted the
handkerchief Fraser offered. He grinned and shook his head. 
        "Always prepared, huh?" he teased, though his voice was still
strained and Fraser nodded. 
        "A good Mountie is always prepared, Ray." Fraser confirmed and Ray
chuckled, after blowing his nose and wiping his eyes again. 
        "I wanna be a Mountie when I grow up then." He decided and Fraser
laughed and slapped his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. 
        "We would be proud to have you, Ray." He informed. "But you will
have to defect, of course, you must be Canadian." 
        "Hey, I can borrow yer hat, a wolf and lick an electrical socket
and I'm good ta go, Benton Buddy." 
        "Well, there you are, Ray." Fraser agreed, glad his friend was
feeling better. "There you are." 

  
        "All we can do now is wait. " The Doctor stated gently as Ray,
Damien, Stella, Francesca, Fraser and a few other people gathered in the
waiting area outside the palliative care room that held Barbara Kowalski. 
She had gone into a coma sometime last night and Ray had called an
ambulance when they couldn't rouse her this morning. The doctors could not
get a response from her either and they suspected one of the legions in
her brain had finally broken and possibly blinded her or put her into this
current state. 
        It could be minutes, hours or days until Barbara eventually passed
on, yet despite his fear of loosing her, Ray silently prayed it would be
sooner rather then later, he didn't want her to suffer any longer. They
each took turns sitting with her, holding her hand and talking to her,
despite her lack of response. Damien sat with her for a long time,
speaking softly to his darling wife, his sorrow evident. Finally Ray moved
to be with her, he had held back, unable to make himself go in until
finally everyone had had their private time with her except he and Fraser,
whom he had asked to go with him. 
        "Hi Mum. " Ray greeted softly, settling beside her bed in the
chair provided. "Y'know me, always late. " He caressed his mother's hand
tenderly as he watched her eyes dart about the room. "What do you see,
Mum? Yer always looking at something no one else can see. " Ray glanced
around the room sadly then back at his Mother. "I bet I know." He
whispered secretively. "I bet yer seein' Angels, aren't you? I bet they're
floating about just waiting fer you to take a trip with them. " He
swallowed convulsively. "Dat's okay Mum, you can go wit dem if ya want, we
all understand. It's been pretty miserable here for you lately so we'd
understand if you got a better offer. " He glanced at her tiny wrist held
in his palm and suddenly reached to undo the silver bracelet that he
always wore. He carefully slipped it over her wrist and with shaky
fingers. "You gave me dis when I graduated high school, remember? Ya said
I was going out into the world and setting forth on a new and wonderful
adventure. " Ray reached up with his free hand and wiped at the tears
streaming down his face and blurring his vision of his Mother. "Now...now
yer goin' on an adventure, Mum. " He whispered brokenly. "So you'll need
it to bring you luck and so you'll know...you'll know how much... I love
you, Mum. " His voice broke as he rose and bent to kiss her cheek. 
        At that moment Barbara Kowalski's eyes settled on her son's
tear-stained face, she took a final deep breath and sighed in release. Ray
started to shake as he kissed his Mother good bye for the last time and
gently closed her eyes. He felt strong arms go around him and turned into
his partner's embrace as the sobs racked his body. 
  
  

        Damien Kowalski stood quietly as the coffin containing his beloved
wife was slowly lowered into the ground. Many people had shown up for the
funeral, all of the officers from the  27th precinct, even, Welsh, most in
their dress blues. Because Ray was still undercover, he could not stand
with his Father and brother beside the coffin, instead he stood with the
other officers; Fraser beside him. 
        Ray had dug out his old uniform and had it cleaned, wanting to
wear it because his Mother had always commented how good he looked in
blue. In his dress uniform, with his white gloves and hat, Ray looked
totally different from the detective everyone had come to know him as and
standing next to Fraser Thatcher who were in their red serge, also a dress
uniform, the three made quite the picture. 
        The minister finished the prayer and Damien accepted the earth
given to him and Ray's brother to throw on the coffin in final tribute of
laying Barbara Kowalski to rest. Damien paused and glanced over at Ray,
who was staring straight ahead and seeing nothing. In a surprise movement
he walked over and placed a portion of his tribute into the palms of both
Fraser and Ray, allowing Ray to become part of his Mother's funeral
without blowing his cover. Ray blinked back his tears as he stared at his
father, then walked with Fraser to drop the earth onto the coffin, wishing
his mother a final good bye. Fraser did the same, his features for once
not completely controlled, for Ray saw a single tear slip out, noticing
that the Mountie made no attempt to brush it away as they returned to
their place. 
    Ray's eyes met his Father's once more and in them he saw the chance
for a fresh start with the man he had always longed to be closer to. He
remembered a poem he had read in school...Whenever God closes a door,
somewhere he opens a window. Ray allowed himself a small smile and raised
his face toward the sun's warm touch, a new day was dawning. 
  

The end. 
  

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