Disclaimers: They aren't mine   MARLIN OR BARB JANSSEN Normal
MARLIN OR BARB JANSSEN 4 100 2000-05-20T05:40:00Z 2000-05-20T05:49:00Z 4
1094 6236 51 12 7658 9.2720		    Disclaimers: They aren't mine.
Well, I'm claiming Ray K as my own. I will share him on alternate
weekends.   Notes: Not Beta'd. This kind of came to me while I was
listening to a song. Forgive the song lyrics, I heard this and it struck a
chord (get it 'chord'? *sigh* nevermind!) in me. I guess you could say
this is how I see Ray feeling after all the times Stella is a bitch to
him. Of course Fraser is going to cheer him up!    Ratings: PG-13   
Author's website: http://home.att.net/~lojojan   Salvation   By: Lori J  
  Ray Kowalski was tired. Tired of pretending to be someone else. Tired of
bearing the brunt of Stella's anger. It seemed like every time he saw her
she was more and more cruel. When had things gone so wrong? They had been
happy once, right? Or had he just been fooling himself all those years?  
Sighing heavily, Ray unlocked the door to his apartment. Keys on the table
in the hallway, coat on the hook. Or the floor. Didn't matter. Not much
mattered these days. Music. That's what he needed. Something loud and fast
to get rid of the shitty thoughts in his head.   Flicking the power button
on the stereo, Ray popped in a CD that he hadn't heard in awhile. Stella
had never liked this band, or any of his music. She was always too busy
studying or preparing for a case. A killer guitar riff signaled the start
of the song.   You cut me up You cut me down You cut me in two How can I
explain Or dignify the things that you do   That was Stella all right.
Never happy, never content. Constantly harping on him to dress better, to
stop talking like a 'Chicago hick'. And Ray had tried. Had tried hard
because this was Stella. Tried hard because it cut him to the bone each
time she made some excuse not to bring him to social functions. 'Just a
boring dinner party, Ray. No need for you to go.' Her eyes told him
everything he needed to know. 'You embarrass me, Ray. Why would I want
someone like you along?'    He knew it was over when Stella stopped coming
home after work. He didn't blame her. Not much anyway. All they seemed to
do was fight. Ray wanted kids; Stella felt they would hold her back from
The Career. She had made it clear in several of the last big blowouts that
she felt Ray was dragging her down, keeping her from The Career.   All in
all, a fucked-up ending to what had once been a beautiful relationship.
Life sucked. He sucked and made sure he drilled this point into his thick
skull. He could have done better, done what she asked. He could have
changed; he just hadn't done it soon enough.   Nights of loneliness were
followed by days of loneliness. Ray missed her. They had been Ray and
Stella for so long, he didn't know how to be just Ray anymore. Didn't know
how to sleep alone, live alone. God, he sucked. He'd driven her away.   
Many nights had been spent sitting on the couch, staring down at the gun
in his hand. It would be so easy...one bullet would end it all. All the
pain, gone in an instant.    Then the job covering for a detective in the
27th came up. Here was his chance. A chance to be someone else for a
while. Live another life. How many people got that chance? So he accepted
it without a second thought. And a Mountie saved his life.   An
honest-to-God fucking Mountie. They wanted him to partner with Dudley Do
Right. Ray hadn't wanted to at first, but the job and the Mountie were a
package deal. So he'd shrugged and went about the business of living
another man's life. All went well until the Mountie came back from his
holiday.   Ray had felt something the moment he'd set eyes on the man.
That something had grown when he hugged the handsome Canadian. The hug had
been a spur of the moment thing; Ray had learned the hard way that if
showed your feelings, they got trampled on.   But Benton Fraser of the
Royal Canadian Mounted Police had broken through those barriers hadn't he?
Barriers that had toughened to near impenetrable after The Stella had left
them in ruins. Fraser had no problems telling Ray he had done a good job,
never had a problem trusting his 'hunches'. Things were starting to look
up.   I am not a mess I'm not the freak That you once spoke to But I am
right here I am complete If I'm not then you're a joke--too   Stella
hadn't been able to figure out what had changed. Suddenly her fawning
ex-husband was not so fawning. Ray made token attempts to ask her out, but
they had been shot down immediately. But something was different and Ray
could see she was relieved, but confused and a little hurt as well.   Oh,
Stel, if you only knew. Fraser truly had been a life saver. He had saved
Ray from a life of loneliness. The two men had developed a strong
friendship and soon that friendship developed into...something else.
Something stronger.    Love.    Ray Kowalski knew love again and it was
beautiful.   No more wasted time To redefine our lives to you-- You've got
something to prove to you-- Think you've got something to prove to me
--I've got nothing to prove to you   Ben had shown Ray what it was like to
love and be loved in return. He didn't think that he and Stella had ever
had anything like that. Didn't matter if they hadn't. When he and Ben had
become lovers, his whole outlook had changed. The sky was bluer, the grass
greener.    Best of all, Stella was a distant memory. She knew it too;
snide remarks increased, insults piled up.    Want me to pay Want me to
fall I'm not sure who is disgraced You locked yourself Into a vault Now
your face is mean   She had tried every way, shape, and form to bring Ray
down. The fact that her ex-husband was in love and it was no longer with
her was a slap in the face as far as Stella was concerned. How dare he
move on?    Fraser was the best buffer he could ask for. Stella knew
something was up between the two of them, but couldn't get answers from
anyone at the 27th. Stella had stepped on a lot of people as she climbed
to the top. People with long memories.   Lost in the past, Ray didn't hear
the key turning in the lock. He didn't even know that his lover was home
until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.   "Ray? Is everything all
right?"    Ray sighed. Ben was home. He would make things better. "Not
really. Had a shitty day."   "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come to the
station, but Inspector Thatcher is out of town." Fraser sat down next to
Ray and hugged him close.    Closing his eyes, Ray allowed himself to be
pulled against the bigger man's warmth. Felt good, Fraser was always so
warm. "S'ok, Frase." Relaxing further, Ray sighed again.   "Ray?" Ben
sounded concerned. "Are you-"   "I'll be fine in awhile. Can we
just...cuddle for awhile?"    "Of course." Fraser shifted them around
until they were lying face to face on the couch. He wrapped his arms
around the blonde and pulled him close. Ray sighed  contentedly and rested
his head in the hollow between Ben's neck and shoulder.   Ben just held
him, stroking Ray's back and humming softly. It wasn't long before the
smaller man fell asleep, safe and warm, in his lover's arms.    Ray's last
thought before drifting off was that it was so sad that Stella would never
feel like he did right now. She would never let anyone get too close.   I
want to give you something, something That you never had  I want to give
you something, something That I never had   "I love you, Ray," whispered
Fraser.   The End   Song lyrics are from 'Cut Me Up' by Headstones.