Try Anything    Try Anything by Mia Athlas

  

 Title: Try Anything
 Author/pseudonym: Mia Athlas
 Email address: miaathlas@hotmail.com
 Rating: R-ish
 Pairings: Fraser/RayK 

 Status: New, complete
 Date: 09/04/2000
 Archive: Sure if I can figure out how 

 Warnings: None--Oh wait! My first DS story :) 

 Summary: "I'll try anything" Words that come back to haunt Ray. 

 Notes: Thanks to Rosa and Heidi for betaing for me and for feeding my
obsession! This is my warm up story in Due South fanfic. I've mostly
written in Sentinel (with dabbles in HK and S&H) but I'm taking a break
from TS and I'm infatuated with Benny and RayK so I thought I'd try my
hand here! 

 Try Anything
 By Mia Athlas 

 Pairing: Rayk/Fraser 

 "So where's your shadow today, Vecchio?" 

 Ray didn't bother to look up from his paperwork at the man standing
beside his desk as he responded. "If you mean Fraser, I imagine he's at
the consulate--you know doing his real job." Detective Hendricks was
getting real old with his constant jabs in the past week. The worse thing
was that Ray had no idea what he had done to get on the senior detective's
bad side. 

 "You wouldn't think he had a job with the way he's constantly following
you around like a big red puppy dog." 

 Ray sighed. Ignoring him didn't seem to be doing the trick. He looked up
at the grey-haired man. "Can I help you with something...or are you just
here to piss me off?" 

 "Touchy, touchy--must be suffering from Mountie withdrawal." Hendricks
smiled and laughed at his own pathetic attempt at a joke. 

 Ray stood up and faced the other detective, his body tensing. "What's
your problem, Hendricks? Why'd you suddenly turn into such an asshole?"
Ray had been putting up with man and his partner's innuendoes and
thinly-veiled insults for the last week and he was sick of it. No matter
what Fraser would say about respecting his elders, he was going to pop
Hendricks one if he didn't get out of his face. 

 Hendricks smirked even more. "Asshole? I think you and your Mountie would
know more about that." 

 Ray blinked in surprise. "What're you talking about? You got something to
say, just say it!" Ray poked the other detective in the chest with his
finger for emphasis, ignoring the concerned looks around him. 

 Hendricks glanced over at his partner--who shrugged--then back at Ray
with a gleam in his eye. "Okay, I will. Everyone knows you and Fraser are
doing it and...and I think it's disgusting. I don't know what you did to
Fraser cause he was never like that before you came along. I figure you
had to coerce him somehow, trick him...everyone knows how nice he is."
Hendricks leaned forward and spoke the next words for Ray alone. "However
you managed to seduce him you better watch out cause the real Ray Vecchio
is gonna kick your ass when he gets back...unless we decide to do it for
him that is." Hendricks leaned back. 

 Ray felt his mouth drop open in surprise. Him and Fraser? They actually
thought that he and the Mountie were doing the mattress mambo. No, more
than that--he had somehow coerced Fraser--like some simple-minded--into
having sex with him. Ray stared at Hendricks in amazement for a full 30
seconds before he couldn't take it anymore. The feeling crept up on him
and he barked out a sharp laugh. And that was it, he was laughing hard,
holding onto his desk for support. Hendricks was looking at him like he
was some sort of strange insect and that just made Ray laugh harder. More
concerned glances drifted his way from the rest of the bullpen and
Francesca looked as if she was on the verge of coming over. 

 Ray pulled himself together with difficulty. They actually thought that
he would take advantage of an innocent. Not that Fraser was--in fact Ray
always secretly thought that his friend played up the clueless thing and
used it to his advantage. 

 Ray looked around again and found several eyes on him. Suddenly, it
didn't seem funny anymore. Hendricks and probably a lot of the others
thought that he would take advantage. Worse than that, if Fraser got wind
of this he'd turn bright red and decide that maybe they needed to put some
space between them. Ray was pretty sure that the Mountie would be more
concerned about Ray's reputation than his own but it still would end up in
the same place: distance. Ray didn't want to examine just why that would
bother him so much. Regardless of why, he still felt an overwhelming need
to quiet the rumors before they got back to his partner. 

 "Look...I don't even want to know where you came up with this ridiculous
idea but take a look at the facts here. I've been married almost all my
adult life. To a woman...not a man...a woman. And Fraser...you seem to
think that he's some kind of puppet without a brain of his own." Ray fixed
Hendricks with a hard gaze and was gratified when the man twitched. "When
was the last time that you saw Fraser actually *do* something that he
didn't want to do...hmmmm?" Ray broke in as Hendricks started to open his
mouth. "Oh, he's an expert at getting you to change your mind and think
that he's doing what *you* want when really it's what he wanted all
along." 

 Hendricks closed his mouth and looked thoughtful. Obviously the idea
hadn't occurred to him and he was probably running through in his mind all
the times that Fraser might have played that little trick on him. Ray felt
a twinge of guilt at that. He didn't want to make anyone doubt his friend.
He pushed forward though. "Fraser doesn't do anything he doesn't want to
do. Look at me." Ray looked down at himself and spread his arms. "A guy
that looks like Fraser goes for this?" he said self-depreciatingly.
"You're off your rocker completely. Me and Frase?" Ray snickered, though
to his own ears it sounded forced. "God, the man is so straight-laced I
bet the thought of two men getting it on has never occurred to him." 

 "But--" Hendricks began, only to be cut off again by Ray. 

 "Can you even imagine that conversation? Ahh," Ray began in his best
'polite Canadian' voice. "Now that's just silly, Ray. Sex is for
procreation. Two men cannot procreate, as you know so..." Ray broke off
with a sinking feeling as a familiar shape stepped up behind Hendricks.
"Fraser..." he squeaked. 

 Fraser's face was impassive and for a second Ray allowed himself to
believe that maybe his friend hadn't overheard the conversation. That all
went out the window when the Mountie spoke. 

 "Actually, Ray, I am well aware of several reason why two individuals of
the same sex, male or female, would want to have intimate relations that
have nothing to do with procreation. In fact, heterosexual couples also
rarely engage in intimate relations for purely reproductive reasons."
Fraser said the last in such a way as to make it clear that he felt Ray
should know this. Once more Ray got the distinct impression that the
Mountie wasn't as innocent as he seemed. He felt his ears grow pink and
saw a matching reaction in Hendricks's face. 

 "Don't you detectives have work to do!" Welsh bellowed from his office. 

 "Ah, yeah. Better get back to it," Hendricks stammered and stepped from
in between the other two men, heading to the safety of his desk. 

 "Frase," Ray began, not really knowing what he was going to say. Fraser
held up his hand. 

 "Ray, I came by because I believe I have a break in the Richardson case.
A witness has come forward; I'm here to bring you to him so that perhaps
we can locate Richardson's killer." 

 Ray nodded and gladly let the other conversation drop. Grabbing his
jacket he tilted his head to the side. "What're we waiting for then? Let's
go." Ray brushed past Fraser and headed for the exit, counting his lucky
stars that duty called. He was almost to the door when Fraser's voice
caught up to him. 

 "Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray--" 

 Ray stopped and looked back at his partner. "Yeah?" 

 "Were you emulating me?" Fraser's voice was steady but Ray could see the
slight look of hurt. He put his head down for a second resting his chin on
his chest before looking back up at his friend. He should have known it
wouldn't be so easy. Not that he blamed his partner...it's not every day
you come across your best friend making fun of you in public. Or at least
that's how Ray knew it would look to Fraser. 

 "Uh...emu-what-ing you?" he asked. He didn't have a clue what the word
meant but he was pretty sure from the look on Fraser's face that it wasn't
good. 

 "Well perhaps emulate is the incorrect term here since it typically
implies a positive action and this...well.... Was that," Fraser gestured
back toward Ray's desk. "...your idea of what I'm like. Were you
*pretending* to be me?" 

 "Pretending, now *that* I understand. You always make things harder than
they have to be, why didn't you just say that?" Ray's felt a twinge in his
stomach. Damn. He hadn't meant to make his partner feel bad. He was just
trying to.... Hell, he didn't even know what he'd been trying to do. Damn
the Mountie and his big ears anyway. "I was just having a laugh...wasn't
nothing," he finally said defensively. "You know what they say, Frase,
about flattery being the best form of imi...uh...no...about imitation
being the best form of flattery," Ray finished as he ran a nervous hand
through his hair. 

 "No, Ray, I don't know. Who says that?" 

 "You know, them, they...the collective conscience or something. I don't
know! Shit, Frase. Look, I'm sorry, can we just go already?" Ray couldn't
seem to stop the angry tone of his voice. 

 "As you wish, Ray," Fraser conceded. "After you." The Mountie gestured
toward the door when Ray hesitated. With a shrug he turned and headed out,
Fraser close behind him. 

 

 Three interviews, one foot chase and two arrests; totaling seven
exhausting hours later, Ray trudged into his apartment, his partner close
behind him. Throwing his keys on the kitchen counter on his way to the
refrigerator, Ray gestured to Fraser to come inside. 

 The interview had turned out to be the key to the case and Ray was happy
to have the crooks behind bars but he couldn't shake the sense of unease
that had dogged him all day. He opened the door to the fridge and stared
at the slim pickings inside. Looking over to where Fraser was standing
stiffly just inside the door, he jerked his head toward the living room. 

 "Sit down. Want anything?" Ray asked. He was still amazed that his
partner had accepted his invitation to dinner. But by the look of the
inside of his fridge, home-cooking was out. Pizza would have to do for
this particular apology. 

 Fraser shook his head and gingerly took a seat on the couch. Ray almost
smiled; even when the man sat he still looked like he was at attention.
Fraser was perched on the edge of the couch like he was preparing to stand
at any moment. 

 "Relax," Ray said with a tentative grin as he sat down on the other end
of the couch with a beer in his hand, turning sideways to look at his
partner. "Okay, you're making me crazy here, Frase. Spit it out already.
Are you still mad about this morning, cause you know I didn't mean
anything." When Ben remained silent Ray prepared himself to try again.
"I'm sorry, I suck, I won't do it again. You can make fun of me tomorrow,
okay?" Silence. "Look--" Ray broke off as Fraser shook his head. 

 "No, Ray. I'm not angry." 

 "Well, what then? What'd I do to earn the cold shoulder?" 

 "I never meant for you to think that I was angry with you, Ray. I have
simply been considering something." 

 Ray relaxed slightly. He'd had a sinking feeling all day that Fraser was
really hurt that morning. Ray knew that he'd gone too far, but he didn't
want Hendricks and his partner thinking that Fraser and him were homos.
Shit, he just knew Fraser would be all calm. He'd probably find a way to
change what he was doing so no one would 'misunderstand' anymore. And that
was the last thing Ray wanted. It wasn't like he could talk to Fraser
about it without having to explain his reasons for not wanting his partner
to change anything, reasons he didn't even understand himself. He shook
off his contemplation as he noticed that Fraser was staring intently at
him. "Yeah? What've you been thinking about?" Ray asked bluntly, taking a
drink of his beer. 

 "I'm not sure that I should discuss it with you, Ray. I fear you might
take offense," Fraser said slowly, his face devoid of any clue about his
meaning. 

 "Me? Offense? Nah. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, Frase. Lay it on me,"
Ray said with an attempt at a smile that ended up being no more than a
twitch of his lips. 

 Fraser shifted so that he was facing Ray more directly and nodded. "All
right. You said something similar before...when I made reference to how
prudish you were acting when you saw Stella and the Councilman kissing on
the sidewalk. I know now that it wasn't the kissing you objected to, but
the matter of who was kissing whom." 

 Ray nodded and forced himself not to interrupt, though everything in him
was begging Fraser to get to the point. 

 "That day, you said that you would try anything. Meaning in a sexual
manner, I assume?" Fraser made the last part a question and so Ray nodded.


 "Yeah, I've tried a lot of stuff. Why, you need some advice?" Ray asked
seriously. He'd always figured that his partner was pretty naive when it
came to things like that. 

 "In a manner of speaking," Fraser answered. 

 "What'd'you mean by that?" 

 "Well, I've been thinking about exploring my sexuality, Ray." 

 Ray blinked, at a loss for words. 

 "I've been considering it for quite some time actually, especially since
you mentioned your predilections." 

 "My what?" Ray asked, getting back to more solid ground by asking Fraser
to explain a term. 

 "Your inclinations...your preferences." Fraser blushed lightly, but his
expression didn't change. "Would you assist me?" 

 "Assist you? Like how? Help you find a hooker? Rent porn? Buy you some
toys at Harry's Sex Emporium? How do you see me helping you here, Frase?" 

 "Well, Ray, I was hoping for something a bit more personal." 

 Ray was starting to get irritated, and worse, he still had no clue what
his friend was asking him to do. "Fraser, for once can you just tell me
straight out what you want, 'cause I gotta tell you, I don't have a
freakin' clue what you're talking about!" 

 "Oh dear," Fraser said, looking down for a moment before lifting his head
again to meet Ray's eyes. "As you wish, Ray," Fraser said before taking a
deep breath and continuing, "I would like you to have sexual relations
with me." 

 Ray felt his mouth drop open as he stared at his partner. 

 Fraser saw the reaction and rushed on. "Well, you did say you would try
*anything* so I assumed that you were already experienced in such things,
or even if you weren't then perhaps you would be open to 'giving it a try'
thereby assisting me and also adding to your own repertoire." Fraser fell
silent and looked down, staring intently at his hands clasped in his lap. 

 Ray studying him for a moment, then reached over and grabbed his beer
bottle, taking a long drink before setting it back down and clearing his
throat. "Let me just make sure I've got this right. You want to have sex
with a man? With me? And you figured that this would be no problem for me
because I said--in passing--that I'd try anything?" 

 "Yes, Ray." Fraser finally glanced up. The look of hope in his eyes was
too much for Ray. 

 "Are you nuts? Have you completely lost it?" he said, his voice raising. 

 "Not that I'm aware of, Ray. You *did* say that you'd try anything," Ben
added almost petulantly. 

 "Well...I might have said that, but come on!" 

 "Ahh," Fraser said, in that way that drove Ray nuts. 

 "Ah...what does that mean? I'm not going to have sex with you just
because you say ah you know." 

 "Yes, Ray. I understand," Fraser replied softly, lowering his gaze. Ray's
heart sank at the utterly sad look on his friend's face. 

 "Listen, Frase. It's not you, I'm just not into men, that's all." Ray ran
his hand through his hair nervously. He didn't know how to fix this. Last
thing he wanted to do was hurt his friend. "And I didn't think you were.
Where's all this coming from?" he asked in frustration. 

 "I've always been as attracted to men as I have been to women, Ray. I've
simply chosen not to discuss it. I have found that it's best to stay away
from discussions involving matters of the heart. Lately, the attraction to
a more masculine partner has grown and I thought--erroneously it
seems--that with your willingness this could be the opportune time to
explore that side of myself." 

 "God, you make it all sound so damn logical." 

 Fraser stood and picked up his hat from where he'd placed it on the
table. "I see now that you spoke rashly before and that you are unable to
follow through. I won't bother you further." 

 Ray jumped up and moved between Fraser and that door. "Follow through? I
never said that I got it on with men, Fraser. There's nothing to follow
through." 

 "Well, I realize that now. It's my mistake." Fraser continued to stare at
the ground and Ray almost missed the next words. "But you can't blame me
for making the error; you did imply it, Ray. " 

 "I did not imply anything. You're out of your Mountie mind!" 

 "Ah," Fraser replied, stepping around Ray. 

 "God dammit! Do. Not. Do. That!" Ray went around Fraser again and put his
back to the front door, stopping his friend from leaving. "I can't make
out with a man, Fraser." 

 "Yes, Ray. I understand that." 

 Ray stared at Fraser's face. "You do? You really do?" 

 "Yes. I understand you can't go through with it. It's natural to fear--" 

 Fear. That one word had the power to push his buttons more than any
other. Ray clenched his hands at his sides. "Fear! I'm not afraid of
anything!" 

 Fraser cocked his head to the side. "No, of course not. Right you are,
Ray. My mistake. I'll just be heading back to the Consulate now. If you'd
be so kind as to move to the side." 

 Ray stayed where he was. He'd heard Fraser use that tone of voice too
many times not to understand exactly what he was saying. "You don't
believe me. You think I'm scared. I'm not scared, Frase." 

 "Yes, Ray. I did hear you the first time. Understood." 

 Ray stayed where he was. "I could 'do it' with a man if I wanted to. It
doesn't scare me." He was shocked by how much he needed Fraser to believe
him. 

 "I'm sure you could," Fraser murmured--a bit condescendingly it seemed to
Ray. 

 "I could!" 

 "As you say, Ray." 

 Ray glowered at his partner. He wasn't scared. He could do it anywhere,
anytime, with anyone. Damn Mountie thought he knew everything. "Fuck..."
Ray said and then before he stopped to think about what he was doing he
had Fraser's face in his hands and was pulling him forward, pressing their
lips together. 

 "Oh my," Fraser whispered just before their lips touched. 

 Ray felt a shock go through him as his lips touched Fraser's. A little
thrill that he felt all the way down, then centering in his cock. Fuck. He
leaned in a bit more and pressed his chest against Ben's, opening his lips
in invitation. Fraser wasted no time in taking the lead. Ray found himself
wrapped up tight in his partner's arms, his mouth being thoroughly
explored. 

 And he loved it. Absolutely loved it. 

 Ray shivered in shock and tried to pull away. He felt Fraser's arms
tighten around him for a moment and then he was abruptly released. Ray
stumbled away, breathing heavily, until his back was once again against
the front door. 

 "Ray..." Fraser began, taking a step forward with one hand out. Ray held
up his hands and shook his head. 

 "Just give me a sec here, Frase. I was *not* expecting that...whatever
that was." Ray wrapped his arms around himself, surprised to find he was
still shivering. Was it fear or arousal? 

 "It was just a kiss, Ray. Nothing more, nothing less." 

 Shaking his head, Ray looked over at his friend. "Just a kiss? Do you
really believe that?" 

 Fraser flushed and looked down. "Well, no. But I didn't want to frighten
you." 

 "Enough with the scared thing! I am not afraid. I may be confused, I may
even be freaked out but I am not afraid here." Ray pushed off from the
door and began pacing the length of his living room, his thoughts and
feelings moving faster than he could process. "I liked it," he whispered
to himself several times as he paced, trying to come to terms with just
what that meant. Finally he stopped and faced Fraser--who was still
standing silently to the side. "Fuck! I wasn't supposed to like it! How
could I like it? How could I be this old and not know that I would like
it? Jesus, Fraser, what are you doing to me?" Ray started to pace again. 

 Fraser moved in front of Ray and put his hands on his partner's
shoulders, halting his motion. "I am ashamed of how I've acted. You have
every right to kick me in the head now." The Mountie stepped back and
looked as if he half expected Ray to do just that. 

 "Huh?" was all Ray could manage. He had the feeling that he was missing
something important. 

 Fraser ran his thumb across his eyebrow and cleared his throat. "I
apologize for trying to force the matter when you made it eminently clear
that you had no interest in pursuing a physical relationship with me, Ray.
My actions were inexcusable." 

 "You're apologizing?" Ray asked in surprise. Fraser cracked his neck and
answered with a quiet, "Yes." 

 Fraser was nervous, Ray realized. Not quite as sure of the whole scene as
he was letting on. Somehow that made him feel much calmer. He let his eyes
roam over his partner in a way he'd never allowed before and felt his
arousal spike as his eyes traveled up Fraser's body to his soft blue eyes.
He wanted Fraser. He had to admit it. He wanted his partner. Ray tore his
eyes from his friend's and turned away, taking a deep breath to clear his
mind. He could do this. He *wanted* to do this. Ray shook himself, head to
toe, then turned back around to face a questioning Mountie. 

 "Okay. From the top. You want to make it with a man, right?" Ray asked. 

 Fraser nodded. "Yes, Ray...but not..." 

 "Uh uh, my turn," Ray interrupted. "You want to make it with a man.
You're attracted to me?" He looked over at Fraser for the nod, which came
immediately. "So you decide that I'm pretty slutty--that I'd jump at the
chance of getting into your pants?" Ray almost smiled as Fraser blanched. 

 "No, Ray! I most certainly entertained no such thought! I think most
highly of your character. In fact I respect you more than any man I know."


 Ray smiled and felt even more sure of his decision. "Take it easy, Frase.
You're gonna burst something. Okay, so you respect me and want to do the
nasty with me?" 

 "Well, assuming 'the nasty' means perform a loving act," Fraser said
primly, "then the answer is yes." 

 Nodding, Ray touched his lips. The taste of Fraser's mouth had faded and
he was surprised to realize that he wanted it back again. "Then you called
me a coward and I kissed you." 

 "Ray! Once again I have to disagree! I did *not* and would never call you
a coward. You are a brave and just man!" 

 Ray smiled again. "Easy buddy. Listen up we're coming to the important
part here." Fraser stopped in mid-denial and listened with his hands
clasped in front of himself, his brow wrinkled. Ray took a step closer and
reached up to touch Ben's face. "I kissed you and shocked the hell out of
myself because I liked it. I mean *really* got off on it. Like someone
took a tazer and zapped me with it." 

 "Sounds painful," Fraser barely whispered. 

 "Yeah. But it got my attention." Ray curled his hand around the back of
Fraser's neck, running his fingers lightly across the soft hair there.
"You want me?" 

 Fraser's tongue darted out and swiped across his bottom lip as he nodded.


 "Okay," Ray said stepping back and holding his arms open. 

 Fraser just looked confused. "Okay what, Ray?" 

 "Okay, I'll do it. I think that I want to see if I've really been fooling
myself all this time," Ray said, gearing up to convince Fraser that he was
sincere but the Mountie took two steps and was suddenly right there in
front of him, arms pulling him hard against Fraser's body. 

 "One thing," Ray gasped as Ben bowed his head and began sucking on his
neck like he was the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted. "If I say
stop, you stop. No question or arguments...you just stop. Deal?" 

 Fraser released his neck and brought his head up to look deep into Ray's
eyes. "I'll do whatever you ask, Ray. You can trust me." 

 "That's not a problem, Frase. We wouldn't be standing here if I didn't
trust you." 

 Fraser's eyes softened as he smiled gently at the words. "I'll never give
you cause to regret that." Then he leaned forward and gently pressed his
lips to Ray's once more. 

 Ray wrapped his arms around Fraser's back and held on as their tongues
and lips dueled. When they finally broke apart both men were panting
harshly. "Bedroom," Ray gasped, grabbing Fraser's hand and tugging him
into the other room. He really *really* needed to get naked, before his
tight jeans injured something delicate. He stopped abruptly in front of
the bed, Fraser collided with his back, then threw an arm around Ray to
steady him before he fell. 

 Naked. Naked with Fraser. 

 The thought aroused him, and--though he'd never admit it to
Fraser--scared him shitless. 

 "What is it, Ray?" Fraser asked breathlessly. "Are you all right?" 

 Ray turned around, and took in the disheveled appearance and kind eyes of
his friend. It would be okay. This was Fraser after all. They looked after
each other. "Fine. Good. No problems. What do we do now?" 

 Fraser blinked back at him. "What do you mean, Ray?" 

 Ray smiled, once again on solid ground. "Your idea. You call the shots." 

 Fraser blushed. "Well...I had assumed that you'd...ah, well...I thought
that you, being experienced and all...but I guess you don't...hmm." 

 Ray laughed helplessly. "Please don't tell me you don't know what to do
here, Frase." 

 "Well of course I have some technical knowledge. I simply assumed that
you would take charge of the situation." Fraser shifted and rubbed his
finger across his eyebrow before continuing. "But no mind. Right then.
Let's take off our clothing," Fraser said firmly. 

 "Right then, we strip!" Ray said with a sharp laugh pulling his T-shirt
over his head and dropping it on the floor. His hands went to his belt and
he began undoing the buckle and the zipper. He slid the pants down,
chickening out at the last moment and leaving his underwear on. He kicked
his jeans to the side before noticing a distinct lack of movement from his
partner. Ray looked up and found Fraser not moving, still fully dressed,
staring at him with a hunger that he'd never before seen on his friend's
face. Ray stopped his hands on the way to nervously covering his groin in
response to the look. He felt his face heat up and just knew he was
turning a deep shade of red. 

 "Fraser? You okay, buddy?" Ray asked nervously. 

 "Ray," Fraser breathed shakily, reaching out to touch his partner's bare
shoulder. Ray shivered in response. "So long. I've waited so long." 

 Ray stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the Mountie, reaching up
to kiss him soothingly. "It's okay, Frase. Really. What do you want?" 

 Fraser put his head down on Ray's shoulder, his hands clutching at his
back. He felt his partner's breath on his skin as he spoke softly.
"You...I want you...but..." he broke off. 

 "But what? It's okay, you can tell me." 

 "I wasn't entirely truthful before, Ray. I have a confession to make." 

 Ray tried to pull back so that he could see his partner's face but Fraser
only held on tighter. Ray gave in and allowed him to stay with his face
hidden in his shoulder." 

 Ray rubbed his friend's back torn between the desire to rip the Mountie's
clothes off and get on with it, and the desire to protect his friend and
do whatever he needed. Ray took a deep breath and then let it out slowly.
"What's bothering you, Frase. I thought I was the one freaking out here?"
Ray wrapped his hand around the back of Fraser's head and cradled him on
his shoulder. 

 "I can't do this, Ray," Fraser whispered miserably. "I thought I could
but I can't." 

 Ray felt his heart sink. Just when he'd decided that he wanted this, more
than he could even allow himself to admit, the Mountie was backing out.
Ray felt anger start to gnaw at him, but forced it down. There had to be
more to this. "Why, Frase? What's wrong?" 

 The hands clutching his back tightened. "I thought that I could just
experiment with you, that it would be enough. But it isn't. I can't...it's
not who I am, Ray. You understand? I can't spend the night with you then
pretend like it never happened. I can't simply have tonight and then
forget all about loving you." 

 Ray froze. "Love? Who said anything about love here?" 

 Fraser finally pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed with his head
down. "Hence my need for confession. I wanted to seduce you, to show you
how good it could be between us in the hope that you would finally *see*
me...no...in the hope that you would come to love me. But I can't do it.
It reeks of dishonesty. You said earlier that you trusted me--how can I
betray that trust?" 

 Ray stepped closer to the bed and rested his hand gently on Fraser's
tousled hair. He felt closer to him than to any other man he'd ever met.
But was it love? That kind of love? 

 Fraser raised his head and his serious eyes met Ray's. "I love you. I
want to be with you so badly but I have to do it the right way...or--or
not at all." Fraser's voice broke at the end and Ray leaned over and
rested his cheek on his partner's head, wrapping his arms around him as he
thought furiously. They stayed like that for several minutes before Ray
finally pulled away and sat down beside his friend taking his hands into
his own. 

 "I can't tell you what I feel for you now, Ben. I wish I could. All I
know for sure is that I'm crazy about you. I think about you all the time,
I miss you when you're not there and I can't wait till I see you again
whenever you're away. I'm better when I'm with you. I don't think I know
who I am anymore when you're not there. I've gotta be straight with you
Frase--that scares the shit out of me--and you know how it kills me to
admit that." Ray was rewarded by a small smile from his partner. "Is it
love? I-I think it might be but I've never been a fag...um...gay. I never
let myself even think about that. Tonight I figured out I'm attracted to
you. I guess I have been all along--I just haven't let myself feel it. I
can't promise you anything, Ben but I'm willing to give it a try if you
are. Slow. I think you're right on the money there. Let's go slow and see
what happens. Okay?" 

 Fraser squeezed his hand tightly and brought it up to his lips, then to
his cheek, cradling it there. "Thank you, Ray," he whispered so quietly
Ray almost missed it. "You won't be sorry, I promise you that." 

 "Listen, Ben. I've got an idea. This has been a hell of a night. How's
about you bunk here with me?" Ray smiled as Fraser looked up in surprise.
"Just to sleep. It'll maybe help with us getting comfortable with each
other. What'd'ya say?" 

 "I'd say that would be perfect, Ray." 

 "Okay, Frase. You wanna strip down to sleep and get some shut eye, then?"
Ray paused as Fraser frowned. "What is it? We don't have to..." 

 "No, it's not that. I-I just...you called me Ben before. Could you call
me Ben when we're alone perhaps? No one ever calls me anything but my
surname anymore, it seems. I had begun to think that in the United States,
given names were becoming somewhat passe." 

 Ray nodded and grinned as Fraser droned on, sounding much more like
himself. The Mountie stood and carefully began removing his uniform,
placing it reverently into the closet. When he turned back he was clad
only in his white boxers and equally white undershirt. Ray grinned and
climbed into bed, holding the sheet up. 

 Fraser stepped forward then stopped. "Ray, I have one more confession to
make." 

 Ray groaned "What? What more could there possibly be?" 

 Looking abashed, Fraser stared over Ray's shoulder as he spoke. "I may
have inadvertently let my feelings for you slip out a few days ago in the
bullpen." 

 "What! To who?" Ray's voice raised in alarm. 

 "Detective Hendricks, I'm afraid. I made a comment to my
fath...um...under my breath and he happened to overhear me. I'm so sorry,
Ray." 

 Ray started to laugh, Fraser looking on in disbelief. "T-That's why h-he
wouldn't b-believe me. Damn." Ray looked up at Fraser still grinning.
"Don't worry about it, Ben. It's not like anyone really takes Hendricks
seriously anyway. Forget about it and get in here." Ray lifted the sheet
again. 

 Ben climbed in hesitantly, then lay stiffly on his back, staring up at
the ceiling as Ray turned out the light. Ray wiggled a little closer,
turning onto his side to that he could throw an arm over top of Fraser.
Ben grasped his forearm with one strong hand, and simply held it where it
was on his chest. Ray sighed and closed his eyes. It felt surprisingly
right to be lying there with his partner. It probably shouldn't feel so
normal. He should be freaked out, but all he could focus on was the warmth
of the man next to him and the warm spot growing inside of his chest. 

 Fraser loved him. The idea was both strange and exciting. He wiggled
closer and put his head on Fraser's shoulder. The other man sighed, a
breathless happy sound that thrilled Ray more than he could put into
words. 

 He could handle this. So long as Fraser stayed with him he honestly
thought that he could pretty much handle anything. 

 The end 

 I'd love to know what you thought?
 miaathlas@hotmail.com