template	Things Change 

The bed's empty when I wake. Well, that's why I woke, I guess. Crazy, huh?
The damn thing's barely big enough for one and still, when he's not there,
it's empty... He won't be far away. These afternoons and evenings are too
precious to waste even a single moment. Sure enough, when I turn my head I
see him sitting on the window ledge. He's wearing my silk shirt and
nothing else.  

Oh, Benny...  

It hurts to see him. The bright colours I favour shouldn't look good on
his pale skin, but they do. It's not that. What hurts is that he still
needs to wear the shirt at all. It's not cold. Even I don't feel cold
today. He's wearing the shirt like it's some kid's damn security
blanket...  

It's almost three weeks now, and still he needs to wear it. If I'd known
it would be like this... but what else could I have done? Sure these
assignments are "voluntary", but turn one down and what do you hear? The
sound of your career going down the toilet, that's what. And I could
hardly tell them I needed to talk to Benny about it. Not that they would
have let me anyway.  

So there was just that phone call to him in the middle of nowhere, worse
than nothing. A postcard with a stupid message. He destroyed it, he told
me, so nobody else could see it. I sent it so he could have something of
mine through those long months, but of course he did it to protect me. And
then silence for six months. We've talked about it, and he says he's
forgiven me, but it's not the same anymore.  

I guess it's made him realise how fragile this thing we have is... that
it's a matter of when, not if, it ends. I sometimes wonder if he's ever
ended a relationship in his life. Probably not. Everybody he's loved has
either died or betrayed him, and now I've joined the list. So, when the
time comes, I guess it'll be up to me to finish it.  

I think about that sometimes. And I wonder, if I had the chance to do it
over, knowing how much I would hurt Benny, would I do it different this
time? I don't think so. Maybe, if he'd been in Chicago at the time... I
could've found a way to talk to him about it. But he wasn't, and I didn't,
and nothing's going to change that now. There's no way to undo the damage
I've done. To both of us.  

How can we both want something so much, and still know that it can't last?
That sooner or later it'll get too hard to go on and we'll end up going
our separate ways. I wish I could make this easier for him. Did he know
what he was getting into when this started? I thought he did, at the time,
but now I'm not so sure. Hell, I'm not even sure I knew what I was getting
into.  

I tell myself it's not as if there was ever a chance for us, but it's
still hard to accept. Look at us, for God's sake... a cop and a Mountie.
And it don't make a bit of difference that Benny's probably the best damn
Mountie they've got... that he's everything a Mountie should be. Except
straight. The RCMP have made it pretty clear how they feel about that.
They may not be able to fire him over it, but if they ever found out about
us, they'd make sure he left, one way or another.  

Then there's my family. No way Ma is ever gonna accept that her little
boy, the Head of the House, is gay. Or Frannie, that Benny is never gonna
look at her, because he's already in love with me...  

And the Precinct? Well, we talked about it, once, but neither of us wants
to find out the hard way that somebody doesn't want to provide backup for
a couple of faggots. So we just keep quiet about things and make the most
of the times we can spend here together. Sometimes it feels like this
rat-infested dump is the only real place in the universe.  

God, I love to look at him. I don't get this chance very often. When we
sleep, he always wakes first, and if I watch him while he's not looking,
it's never very long before he realises... like now. He turns his head and
looks at me and I smile.  

His eyebrows move upwards. Does he have any idea how cute that looks? One
part of me says no... there's no way he could do that deliberately and
still look so damn innocent. And the other part of me knows that this is
Benny... that he hides behind that little boy look like it was a shield.  

I don't even have to think about what I want to do, my legs are already
swinging over the edge of the bed, ready to take me to him. When I get
closer, I start to have second thoughts. Anybody could see us, if they
only looked up from the street. But, in the end, it doesn't matter. I need
to hold him, so I do.  

He leans his head against my chest and I rub his back through the silk and
breathe in the scent of him. His sigh warms my chest, but not for long.
Nothing lasts, I tell myself, not even this. God, I love him...  

His hands are everywhere, moving over me as though he was a blind man,
trying to see me with his fingertips... Soon though, it changes. His palms
flatten against my butt and I press even closer. His head shifts slightly,
and his hair brushes soft as silk against my skin. He starts to kiss my
chest and soon he's sucking on my nipples. Nobody has ever touched me the
way he does, though I've had my share of lovers. I don't know what it is
about him and I don't care anymore. I just enjoy it while I can.  

Oh, he's good. Just get him out of that Mountie uniform, buff naked, and
he's a different creature altogether... His hand works its way round my
hip, down over my thigh and back up between my legs. One touch and my
balls tighten. He begins to stroke my cock and though I would have said I
couldn't get it up again this afternoon, it's starting to happen. He's got
the magic touch has my Benny.  

My Benny... mine.  

I move my hand underneath the shirt and stroke skin that's just as smooth
and sweet as the silk that covers it. But better, because it's warm and
alive and nothing that's ever been made can match the feel of it. No dye
I've ever seen is as pretty as that all that paleness.	

We don't talk. When we're making love, there's never any need. I know
exactly when he's going to stand and press up against me for another kiss.
My hand is already moving towards his as he reaches for me. He turns and
leads me to the bed.  

This is for Benny, so I let him make the choices. He drops down onto the
bed, face down, his legs spreading for me, and looks back over his
shoulder. His eyes are hot and smoky grey, not blue, and his pupils are
dilated like he's on some drug. Yeah, me. I'm his drug, and he's mine.	

I fall to lie between his legs and push up the shirt so I can kiss his
back. He shudders and moans deep in his throat as I do it. I taste the
sweat on his skin as I cover him with kisses, always moving down, until I
reach his ass. He moves then, can't help himself, as I part his cheeks and
begin to kiss him there. Time was, I couldn't do this, but not anymore.
There's no part of Benny I can't love. He's beautiful everywhere.  

Benny moans again, shifting restlessly. He knows how I feel about it. I
told him once... one weekend when the whole family was out of town and we
could spend two whole days and nights together. The kind of thing you tell
someone at four am when you're too exhausted to make love and you can't
sleep because sleeping seems like a waste of the few hours you're gonna
have together. The kind of thing you should never say, because it makes
you believe, for a while, that this love you have can last forever. Now,
whenever I do this, Benny can hardly control himself.  

Today's no different. He reaches for the pack and passes me a condom and
the lube. It doesn't take long to get it on, I'm as close as he is. I
don't bother with the lube... I want him to feel all of this. Lately, each
time we do this, it feels like the last time. Maybe today's the day. I
hope not. I'm not ready for that yet, but then I don't think I ever will
be...  

Even without the lube, I slide into him easily. His body knows me so well.
I watch as his hands clench in the sheets and his face tightens in
concentration. He's trying not to push back against me, if he does it'll
all be over too soon, and we both want this to last. So I move in him
slowly, carefully, drawing it out. If we could only make this last
forever... never stop. Never have to face what's outside these four walls.
 

For a while, there's only this... this... I can't describe it, even to
myself. I'm inside him. He's holding me. I move and feel as though I'm
reaching for something... the essence, the core of him. But always it's
out of reach. That doesn't stop me trying. I wonder what he feels when
he's inside of me. Maybe if I could just reach him, this would never have
to end.  

But already, Benny's losing it. I can hear it in his breathing, feel it in
the way his body tightens around me. His hips lift insistently and I slide
my hand underneath, taking his cock in my hand. God, it feels good...
velvet hard, blood hot, alive in my hand... Benny gasps and thrusts
against my grip and I join him with a heartfelt groan. Together we spiral
out of control, together we fall.  

Afterwards, I can hardly move. I lie across Benny's back, feeling his heat
burning my front. It's a long time before I can get the strength to push
myself up on my elbows. My silk shirt is crumpled and sweaty, and I
wonder, before I can stop myself, how I'm gonna explain it to Ma. I'll
think of something. Being a cop, there's always an excuse for coming home
all messed up. I kiss the back of his neck where the short curls are
sticking to his skin and he stirs.  

That's when he turns, pulling me into his arms as our legs tangle
together. We kiss for a long time, then I lay down with my head on his
chest listening to his heartbeat. Softly, he whispers my name.    

back