Wash Me Clean This is the sequel to Being There. So you may want to read that story first. It's on the Archive As usual its an m/m story. Its also hurt/comfort. Wash Me Clean Ray was being too quiet and the frown on his face was deepening as they waited at the small airport. He was managing to hold to his promise, that he would let Ben do all the talking and handling of their boarding passes and luggage this time. He continued to stay unhappy as they boarded the small plane that would take them to the Northwest Territories and Ben's home... soon to be Ray's as well. As they sat in the plane, there was a feeling of deja vu that they both couldn't shake, because they 'had' done this before with disastrous results. Ben figured Ray wouldn't be happy again until they safely landed. He'd wait him out, because he knew this was something they both wanted. He was excited about sharing with Ray the beautiful wide open spaces of his beloved home and was looking forward to time 'alone' with him, that their lives in Chicago hadn't always been able to provide. Ben had spent alot of time soul-searching and re-finding himself during the six months they were apart and he was thankful he had made the decision to go back to Chicago to reclaim his lover. He had been worried at first that Ray ight not want him back or wouldn't come with him, but here he was, sitting right next to him now... committing himself, by this simple act, to sharing Ben's life and heart. Headed for the Territories with Ray again, he couldn't help but recall when they had tried to go to the cabin that one time last year, but didn't quite make it. Their plane had been hijacked and then crashed in the wilderness. He looked over now at his savior from that time and smiled lovingly at him. Ray although scared and unfamiliar with wilderness survival, had kept his cool - for the most part - and cared for him when he was seriously injured, even when he had become a burden. He knew he had been a burden, but Ray would never have said so. Ben couldn't resist teasing his stern-faced companion as he reached out to place a reassuring hand on his arm. "Steve, don't worry. I've calculated the odds and they're in our favor this time." He got the reaction he hoped for. Ray's startled worried look was priceless. "Steve? Who is this Steve you're always talking about? A former lover or something? I'm starting to get jealous Benny. What?" Fraser couldn't help but giggle at that. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up at my expense.", but now he was smiling too. The flight was thankfully uneventful and they successfully touched down at their proper destination. They still had quite a long journey ahead of them. He continued with good-naturedly teasing his partner. "Hmmm." Ray took the bait. "Ya know you really drive me crazy when you do that. Should I take out my back-up gun? What's wrong now?" Fraser tried to keep a serious face. "I can't seem to spot the dogsled I ordered." He pointed over Ray's shoulder. "Ah, there it is." As Ray turned around to where he pointed, "Hey, you didn't mention nothing about us joining the Ididerod." When he saw that there was no dogsled, but an all- terrain vehicle where his friend pointed, he breathed a sigh of relief. Ray had unpleasant memories of the last time he rode in a dogsled. He had been suffering from injuries accrued earlier and was being jostled painfully around in the contraption. What made it worse was at the same time, he and Fraser were being pursued by thugs on snowmobiles shooting at them. They had come through so many rough times together; that incident being just one of the first of many. As they drove away from the airport, Ben could see that Ray was enjoying the scenic beauty all around them. Summer in the Territories, although short, was quite beautiful. It sure looked alot more welcoming than the last time Ray had visited a couple of years earlier, when the snow was thick and the temperatures frigid. However, this time they'd have no interruptions from an army of thugs out to get them or plane hijackers trying to kill them. His excitement at being on his old stomping grounds again, seemed to be spilling over to Ray, as he gave him the guided tour laced with personal stories about his growing up here. Ben knew that Ray still wanted to make good on the promise he'd made to him to help him rebuild his father's cabin, that nightmarish time he'd been shot by him. Ray's first attempt to honor that promise had only resulted in Fraser being severely injured again. He knew that Ray was silently reminded of this every time they made love, when he saw the scar on his back. He'd felt him kiss that spot so many times, but still no matter how hard Ben wished for it to do so, that physical reminder wouldn't fade away. Fraser had forgiven him for it, but knew his dearest friend and lover would never forgive himself and would do whatever it took to make it up to him. Ben knew that it amused Ray that although he had rebuilt the cabin already without him, he had left the bathroom for him to help build. It was an in-joke between them, because of Ray's reaction to the cabin's outdoor facilities when he first visited and later when he was recuperating from the gunshot wound an eager to please overly repentant Ray had offered to pay for the materials and fixtures to build an indoor one. He really had wanted Ray to have a hand in helping rebuild, maybe in this way some of his guilt from that time too would be assuaged. Almost an hour later, they drove along the dirt road that would soon lead to Fraser's home. Ben radiated pure joy when the Fraser homestead had started to come into view. Ray reached over to his friend and gently moved the back of his hand along his cheek. "Welcome home Benny." Fraser removed one hand from the steering wheel and took the proffered hand in his and kissed it. "Its your home now too." They drove through the entrance of the driveway and Fraser pulled up alongside the front of the house. Ben watched in delight as Ray's eyes widened at the sight of 'the cabin'. It certainly didn't look like the same cabin that was here that last time he visited. It really couldn't be called a cabin now, it was more like a house. It was larger and consisted of more rooms than just the one it had before. Fraser was excited and wanted to show his new roommate around the place he'd created for them both. He eagerly tugged at Ray's hand pulling him up the front stairs to the porch, then inside, all the while keeping up a running commentary as if he were an over eager real estate agent trying to sell the place. They went from room to room, Ben pointing out this, that or the other thing to his companion. As he was going into detail about the sink, he felt a finger placed on his lips and saw Ray's laughing eyes and mouth. "Shhh. Don't worry we'll have plenty of time to talk about two-by- fours and plumbing, ok? Its beautiful. I love it. You've sold me on it. How much is it gonna cost me?" Ben laughed with him when he realized he had been rambling so much, that the normally talkative one - Ray - hadn't been able to get a word in since he started the tour. Suggestively Ben responded, "Just kiss me now as a down payment, we'll discuss the rest of the terms of sale later." Ray did as Ben wished, as they kissed for the first time in 'their' new home. *************************************************** The first night at the 'cabin', Ben wanted so much for them to share that exhilarating passion they once had before. During their separation he'd imagined a number of times his lover here with him and that they would be able to just pick up where they left off before the rape. But now that his lover was here, Ray had been kind of stand-offish towards him in that regard. Not that he wasn't attentive and affectionate, but he seemed hesitant to touch him as intimately, in that way he had which engulfed Ben's body in a fire which couldn't be doused without his first making love to him. Ben decided to make the first move, as he came up behind his lover washing their dinner dishes at the sink. He moved in close, melding their bodies together, placing his arms around Ray's waist, nuzzling his neck and placing soft kisses there, then warmly breathed into a receptive ear "I want you." The dish in Ray's hand was quickly forgotten, as his lover shifted in his embrace to face him. Those expressive eyes looked deep into his blue ones, "You call the shots on this Benny. We'll go with whatever's comfortable for you, ok?" Ben smiled and nodded, moving his head slightly for a kiss. Soon soapy wet hands cupped his face and it felt so good when their lips met and he let his tongue tease Ray's. It wasn't long before he could feel Ray's heat along with the building pressure of his erection straining against Ben through their clothing. They made their way to the bed shortly thereafter. Ben was touched by how gentle Ray was being with him, holding back slightly, letting him lead. Lying together on the bed, kissing, touching, fondling, Ben thought that by now he'd have also become erect, but he found his body and mind betraying him with impotence. Ray's reactions and body was signalling his readiness to move on to the next stage, but Ben wasn't in synch. His stomach was in knots and he was beginning to tense up. Ben closed his eyes in frustration, discomfort and shame for doing this to his lover. Squirming now and pushing at Ray to get away from him, he sadly, quickly and forcefully said, "I'm sorry Ray, but we have to stop! Stop!" Ray, still aroused, managed to stop his amorous attentions as soon as Ben's distress registered in his sensation inflamed mind. He fell away from Ben and onto his pillow, turning his flushed face to the side to gaze at Ben, who felt a soft squeeze on his hand, as Ray huskily breathed out, "Don't worry. Its ok. I understand." Ben was miserable for having teased his lover like this. "But I got you all worked up for nothing. I'm so sorry." Ray gave him a sympathetic yet mischievous look as he rose from the bed and headed for the other room, "Its ok. I'll handle it." Ben lay on his side berating himself for thinking that their lovemaking could go back to the way it had been before. He knew he loved Ray deeply, even more now than ever, and had enjoyed the sex they once shared. Why couldn't he now? His heart was saying 'yes', but his body and subconscious were screaming 'no'. The bed moved slightly when Ray, now in his boxers, returned to sit down next to him. Rolling over onto his back Ben looked up at what he thought he'd see - disappointment in him - but instead he was rewarded with a smile and a caress to his cheek. "Ya know there's some pretty strange sounds outside this cabin of your's. I thought it was gonna be quiet and peaceful out here. But there's so much noise out there, with owls hooting, crickets cricketing and I *don't* want to know what that growling was; I'll never get any sleep. Its even louder than the city." Ben couldn't help but laugh, "Crickets cricketing Ray?" Pretending to be offended, "Hey give me a break. I'm not from around here. I haven't had a chance to learn all the lingo yet. But I'm working on it. In no time at all I'll be saying 'hey' and 'hoser' with the best of them." Ben teased with an academic air, "I think you mean 'eh' Ray. You're accents getting in the way." With a hurt tone he got a "What accent?" replied to that. "Surry to tell you this Ray, but you have an accent." Petulant and playful, he responded "Don't. Its you that has the accent. 'Surry' yeah right!" Fraser smiled and shook his head, "Ray you're in Canada now. You're outnumbered. *YOU* have the accent." Ray countered him with, "Outnumbered by what? Caribou? I don't have an accent." "Do." "Don't." and then he felt a sudden tug at his lips, before he could get the entire next "Do" out, which ended up cut off in Ray's mouth. When his captive mouth was finally released, "Ray is that how you're going to end all of our arguments from now on?" Lying nestled in the crook of Fraser's arm now, with his head on his chest, idly stroking him, "Just the one's where I'm in the right. Which will be always." Shifting the arm around Ray to pull him closer, he kissed the dark head that was resting on him. "Thanks Ray." "For what?" "For being you." *************************************************** A week had passed in which Ben got to show Ray around the homestead and a few of his old haunts. He'd put in for 3 weeks of stored up vacation time to spend with Ray to get him adjusted to his new life here. Today he was taking him to picnic by 'his' lake. The first time he remembered laying eyes on it, his mother had brought him here when he was very young. She had told him that it was called "Benton Lake" and that she loved this place so much, she named him after it. From then on it became his favorite place too, especially after she died, because he always felt close to her here. >From the cabin it took about an hour to hike to, and he'd left this morning with Ray to come here. Ray was as amusing as ever with his running commentary about everything and anything around them as they made their way up here. But "Are we there yet?" was becoming a more frequent whine and he was glad that the lake was just around the corner now. It was as placid and beautiful as he remembered. He hadn't been here since he'd first left for Chicago, a few years ago, but he always carried a picture of this spot in his head, especially for those days in the city when he needed to meditate on something peaceful. He heard a sharp intake of breath coming from behind him, then a reverent voice, "Wow! Does it have a name?" Pleased at his friend's reaction, "Yes. Its called 'Benton Lake'." Ben felt a hand slip into his, "I can see why you're named after it. Its as breathtakingly beautiful as you are." Ben blushed slightly and rubbed his thumb along the hand inside his, "This was my mother's favorite place and its mine too. I wanted to share it with you." Ray raised their clasped hands to his lips and kissed Ben's, "I'm glad." They set up their picnic close to the lake and just relished the sun beating down on them, the clouds reflected on the water and each other's company. At one point after their meal, ever-observant Ben noticed a momentary cloud passing over Ray's features. "What's wrong Ray?" Ray tried to hide the melancholy mood with a forced smile. "Nothin'. Just thinking that you mentioned your mother liking it here. I was thinking about mine. She'd probably like it too." Ben started to truly realize how much Ray had given up to be here with him. Ray was used to a large family and lots of people around him, his work, the city and all its attractions. Here he had taken him away from all that he loved and was familiar with, hardly stopping to realize that Ray may be homesick and missing his family. Ben should have known better, having had to deal with that feeling himself when he first moved to Chicago and away from his beloved Canada and the beautiful solitude of the Territories. But he hadn't had anyone to miss or be missed by him when he had left, like Ray. He sidled up next to his friend on the picnic blanket and placed an arm around his shoulders. "Ray I understand. You don't have to worry about telling me you miss your family. I know you love them and worry about them. I don't ever want to stand in the way of that. You're not a prisoner here. You can come and go as you want. Just please come as often as possible. Ok?" Ray's eyes told him so much as he responded bittersweetly, "My home is wherever you are Benny. Ya know, I tried to explain that to my family before we left, but I don't know if they really understood." Ben remembered going with Ray to lend support as he broke the news about their relationship to his family and his decision to leave them. It felt right to bring it out into the open, no longer having to lie to them, but now he could see the toll this had taken on his friend. They had told Mrs. Vecchio first. He recalled how nervous Ray had been when he approached her in the kitchen, "Ma I need to talk with you." He remembered Mrs. Vecchio had been surprised to see him there with Ray, especially when she noticed Ray had Ben's hand held firmly in his. She had given them her full attention immediately then and had been very open- minded about what they had to tell her. Ray was talking now. "I know I hurt ma, but she assured me she understood. It still amazes me how well she can read me, especially since she admitted to suspecting us. I hope she keeps her promise to visit us sometime." Ben confessed, "Your mother spoke to me alone, while you were talking to Francesca, but asked that I not tell you then. She told me that she loved you very much and that she knew that I did too 'now'. Your mother is a very wise woman. Though she was angry at me, rightfully so, for what I put you through. She threatened me to look after you well or else. I'm charged with making sure you don't get eaten by wild animals and that your fed well." Ray smiled, glad that Ben shared this because it helped to know that his mother had accepted Ben, "Yeah, that sounds like ma. I'm glad she spoke with you. I was surprised at how supportive Theressa was and Tony, well, he probably still doesn't have a clue. I'll bet he doesn't even realize I'm in Canada." They both laughed at that, recalling telling Theressa and her husband. Tony was a good-hearted decent man, but thick headed. The conversation turned to Francesca now, Ben hadn't gone with Ray to talk with her. They felt it would lessen the blow if Fraser weren't there. Ray promised him that he would be gentle with how he told her. Ray hadn't really told him much about that meeting. He was so upset at the time he left her that he didn't want to talk about it then, but now he told him what he already suspected. Ray took a deep breath, "Oh Benny, the one that hurts the most is Frannie. The devastated look on her face was horrible. Then those hateful words. Ya know, she even cursed me to die of AIDS. Man, I still hear her vowing to never see or talk to me again. But that didn't surprise me, I kind of expected it, but it still doesn't hurt any less." Ray's sad pained eyes were cast down, as he idly played with a napkin in his hand. Ben placed a hand under Ray's chin, lifting it slowly to force him to look at him. "Ray, I know you love her. But you're not to blame for hurting her, she's the one hurting herself. If she wants to punish someone it should be me, not you, because I don't want her, I want you." With that he embraced his lover and kissed him tenderly, hoping to syphon away some of Ray's sadness. *************************************************** One night while lying in bed, Ben couldn't stop himself from asking. "Ray, forgive me for asking this, but its been bothering me for a while. Were you with anyone while we were separated? I know it shouldn't matter. I was the one who pushed you away then and you're back with me now, but..." Ray's head turned quickly to look at Ben. "No Benny, no. If you're hinting about Louise, I've wanted to talk to you about that. Is it ok to talk about this?" Ben swallowed then nodded, "Yes. I started this topic of conversation afterall." Ray continued in earnest, "I was afraid to tell you that day you accused me of making love to her. You were so angry, I didn't think anything I said about it would have mattered. Oh god Benny, you don't know how many times I wished she hadn't caught up to me. Elaine was right about my sneaking out the back stairwell. What you didn't know; I was trying to avoid Louise 'again'. But she spotted me. I was trapped. She started talking to me about a case we were on. What she expected from me; ended up with a stack of folders twice as big as she usually gives me to boot. Then bang, suddenly she's switching the conversation to: Why was I avoiding her; Why wasn't I calling? Why didn't I like her any more? Oh man, I really handled the closing of that relationship badly Benny. I was so wrapped up in my love for you and in having time for us, that I didn't tie up all the loose ends with Louise. I was such a jerk. I hadn't realized I'd botched up so badly. She was in tears and I was beside myself trying to talk to her. I told her there was someone else, but not who... I'm sure she knows now though. Nothing happened between us Benny. You've gotta believe me. Please believe me." The eyes that were pleading with him now for his faith in what was just said won him over. "I do. I'm sorry for ever thinking you'd ever be unfaithful to me. Forgive me." Ray responded, "Benny I won't deny it hurt to hear you say it, but you were forgiven as soon as you did. Besides its me who should be asking you for forgiveness. I'm the one that let you down. I wasn't there when you needed me. I should have been there to get you at the consulate. If only..." Ben's finger went to Ray's lips to stop the next flow of words, "I can't blame you for what happened to me Ray, it wouldn't be fair, so please promise me you'll stop taking the blame on yourself. Promise me Ray." Ray whispered out weakly "I'll try." "Don't try Ray. Promise me." Ray swallowed and said "I promise." Ben gazed at his lover, amazed all over again that Ray was actually here with him. Afraid if he closed his eyes and opened them again, he would be gone, leaving him only a dream. After having been so self-absorbed for so many months, Ben had recently been imagining what Ray must have gone through. Ray, although not physically there, had been a victim of the rape almost as much as he had been. He had vague recollections of a compassionate Ray comforting him and taking care of him the night it had happened and after. Then all those terrible things he'd said to hurt him and how he behaved towards Ray came back to haunt him now. Ben wished he could take back all he'd done to hurt him, especially the one thing he'd done that caused his friend and lover the most pain, his rejection of him when he ran away. "Ray please forgive me for shutting you out and ever leaving you." Ray held him tighter, "Ahh Benny, I'm here aren't I? If you need to hear the words too: I forgive you... I love you. I just wish you could have talked to me, opened up to me then; let me share your burden. Ya know, while you were gone I did some soul-searching of my own. My family and the precinct gang couldn't stand being around me. I don't blame them, I couldn't stand being around me either. I was moody obnoxious bastard to everyone.... And don't you dare say 'What's so abnormal about that Ray?'... I don't remember how it happened, but one day I ended up at Dr. Lowell's door. I visited him a couple of times after that. I'd had a revelation at some point that you weren't so much rejecting me, as rejecting - out of fear - love in all its forms. You may have thought you ran from me then Benny, but you never really went that far away, because you were and are always in my heart and mind." Ben was moved by his words and surprised at how much his lover had grown in wisdom and compassion. "Thanks Ray. I like being in here and here.", each 'here' was followed by a kiss, first to Ray's forehead and the next above his heart. Ben's next words were hard, because he hadn't talked about Diefenbaker in so long, but that didn't mean he'd ever forgotten his loyal friend. He rushed through this as fast as he could, "Ray, I need to talk about Dief... I feel as if I let him down. I never even tried to give him a proper burial. I couldn't make myself go back there. And I'm sorry I told you that I thought you didn't like him. I know you did." Ray gathered his lover into his arms from behind. "Don't worry. Huey and I found him. I saw to it he was properly cared for." Ray didn't go into detail about his searching every alleyway from the consulate to Fraser's apartment until he and Huey found the wolf. The state of the beloved wolf when he found it and knowing what had transpired in that alleyway had made Ray retch then and it was all he could do to continue with his sad task. He was thankful that Benny had never gone back there, he never would again either. Fraser was trembling at the thought of Ray having been in that horrific place and then pieces of that tragic day started to fill him again. But then the images were held at bay as Ben felt the arms around him tighten, lips at his cheek, then soft words spoken in his ear "Benny, its ok. I know Dief loved you and willingly died for you... I would too." Ben concentrated on the nearness of his lover, turning in his embrace, placing his head on Ray's chest and then a kiss there as he replied, "I know. Thanks for taking care of Dief for me. I miss him so much." *************************************************** Ben had been called away for a special assignment which interrupted his vacation plans. He'd been sent to find a couple of kids, that had gotten lost while camping and hiking with their family. Ben had apologized profusely to Ray for leaving him, but Ray understood the need for his friend's excellent tracking skills and expert knowledge of the Territories, which was so desperately needed now. Besides his being away worked out so he could pick up the surprise he had in store for Ben. Today he would be picking up a present for Ben and also one for himself. The packages should have arrived yesterday at the small airport, in the small town about an hour away which passed for civilization. As he drove Benny's all-terrain vehicle, he couldn't help but miss the feel of his Riv. Arriving at the airport before noon, he entered the cargo hangar and his eyes lit up when he spotted his beloved Buick Riviera parked in there. He knew that it probably wouldn't fare well here in the Territories, especially during the worst of the winter months, so he figured he'd keep it in the barn during that time. It was his prized possession, whether or not he drove it much didn't matter, he just wanted it here with him. Having it brought up was in a way a symbol of his commitment to stay here with Benny. "Hello sweetheart" he said to the doted on car as he inspected it closely from one end to the other. He lovingly ran his hand along its hood, "I missed you." He opened the door, sat inside with his eyes closed, as he turned over the engine. "Oooh that's nice." After reuniting with his 'baby', he soon had the Riv hooked to the tow of Benny's car. He entered the airport cargo hangar again and looked around for someone to help him find Benny's gift. He entered the office of the airport manager and was greeted by a big friendly dog. Smiling, he patted the dog's head and said "Hello Lincoln. You're gonna make a certain mountie very happy." The dog had been shipped up here in a cage, but the airport manager and the workers at the airport had taken such a liking to the young playful dog, that they let it roam free among them. He signed the necessary paperwork, let the airport workers say good-bye to the dog and went back home with his 2 friends - a Riviera and a Lincoln - in tow, one literally so. *************************************************** It was quite lonely with Ben away, especially now that it was night time. He'd gotten spoiled by having his lover all to himself for a little over a week. Ben had only been gone since very early this morning, but already he missed him. He was going to have to find himself a job up here soon, or he was going to go stir crazy whenever Ben was working. While he was at the airport earlier, he had inquired about finding work and picked up a newspaper to help in that department. He was glad he at least had the frisky young dog to keep him company and preoccupy him a little bit. As he milled around the house looking for something to do, he wished that the satellite dish Fraser had promised had been in place already, but it wasn't going to be delivered until next week. Poking through cabinets and drawers to amuse himself, he came across Fraser's journals in a deep side drawer of his desk. Most of them looked quite old and he'd seen Fraser reading a few of them before, those were the one's from Fraser Sr. There were a couple of others bound together with a large rubber-band which he hadn't seen before, these looked different and newer than the others. Debating with himself to read or not to read the personal journals was driving him crazy. The urge to read them was overwhelming, but at the same time he wanted to respect his friend's privacy. That's when he noticed a piece of paper, slipping out from under the rubber-band and slightly folded over from its position in the drawer, had his name on it. Well it was his name, so it was just like an invitation, right? He removed the slip of paper from its secure hold and found it was a note addressed to him from Ben. Dear Ray, If you're reading this, then please stop. Just kidding. I know you're too curious for your own good sometimes, so I figured I'd save you the trouble of worrying about whether or not you could read my journals. Please do. I have no secrets from you. Just remember that if you do read these, some of what I write is a wrestling with my personal demons. Also know that whatever is said within these pages, overall I love you dearly and trust you implicitly with this part of myself. Love, Ben Ray was still slightly hesitant to read the journals, but the curiosity and desire to know more about his lover had him opening the first one before he really consciously allowed it. Ben's journals started with his first coming to Chicago and ended with a more recent date around the time he had come back to Chicago to bring Ray up north with him. Ray was afraid to read the entries around the time of the rape, but wanted so much to understand what his friend had gone through and gain insight into how he might be able to help him now. Therefore he chose the journals covering that timeframe, starting his reading from a week before the rape and would try to read until the most recent entry in the following journal. It had been over 6 months since the tragic incident and about 3 weeks now since they reunited, but they still hadn't been able to make love. Oh, they kissed and petted and teased, but it never left that stage. That one time they had really tried to, Ben had to call it quits early on. It was hard for him to be around Benny without desiring or being aroused by him, especially at night in bed together - Ray was thankful that at least they could still share a bed together - it was hard to rein himself in, so as not to make Ben feel uncomfortable with that aspect of their relationship. He knew his lover was being too hard on himself for not being able to sexually please him or himself. Ben was still not ready, may never be ready for all he knew. But he loved him enough to have come here, not expecting that they could go right back to where they left off. Content to know that he was with him and a needed part of Ben's life once again helped. He hoped that the journals would provide him with some answers and enlightenment. He was glad he chose to start with the week before the tragedy, because it made for fun reading. Ben had commented on his happiness that Ray's schedule was going back to normal and he'd be able to see more of him again than just their early morning trysts. Like Ray he had enjoyed them, but wanted to have more time together than just this. There were also some amusing anecdotes about his work at the consulate and the people he'd helped on certain days. Then there were a few date entries skipped over, marking the day of and the next 2 days following the rape. He was now entering the dreaded parts of the journal, which would revolve around the longlasting nightmare Ben and he were trying to awaken from. These next entries were so dark in tone as compared to the previous ones, almost as if they were written by someone else, but he knew otherwise. The amount of pain, anger, disgust and self- loathing in here almost forced him to stop reading altogether, especially when he got to the parts that spoke of his lover's entertaining suicidal tendencies. He shivered and the pages went blurrily in and out of focus, when he came to a section describing how close Ben came to actually killing himself, just a few days after the rape, only moments before Ray had come by that particular day to visit with him. The thought of his almost entering Ben's apartment to find him dead shook him to the core. He didn't know how he had made it through that last section and into this next one. These were the pages where Ben talked about wanting to go 'home'. That there was nothing for him in Chicago any more. That he'd stayed too long and it had been a waste of his time to think that he mattered to anyone or made a difference here. He felt he wasn't meant to be around people, they only hurt or disappointed him, therefore he wanted to be alone again. There was also some sarcastic commenting on asking permission for a transfer back to the Territories. He'd been granted the transfer, and he'd been allowed to take 2 weeks off before starting active duty again. Determined to return to his native Canada, there followed some debating with himself about how he would tell Ray that he was leaving. At first the words on the page seemed to care about how it would be done, then switched gears abruptly and coldly by deciding that a brief letter and nothing more would suffice. The pain of seeing all this written here stabbed him through the heart. He relived Fraser's rejection of him again, but quickly forced himself not to wallow amidst these old scars of his own and move on. The date entries were spread out further once he was back in the Territories. But when he did return to writing in here, the heavy overtones had remained. Vivid descriptions of the violence assaulted on him and the feelings of fear, helplessness and self-labeled cowardice it produced caused Ray to take a couple of breaks from reading. After his self-imposed breaks, he'd force himself to return to where he left off. This allowed him to gather up his inner strength to bear what he was invited now to share. He felt sick to his stomach, tears welling up in his eyes, with the agony of being there now as a witness to Ben's rape. Throughout this horrific part of the journal his heart and mind were taking a beating, but still he read on. Later came parts here and there revolving around Ben's insecurities and confusion in regards to his relationship with Ray. One moment he was writing of his feelings of anger and betrayal towards Ray, then in the next he was putting him on a pedestal and not feeling worthy of him. At length talking about his feelings of jealousy at what he thought was Ray's attentions to Louise, which he believed set off the start of his living nightmare. But then he was talking about Ray's worry, gentleness and kindness towards him after the rape. The style of writing was so erratic at times, with sentences and thoughts all of a sudden ending abruptly or taking chaotic twists and turns. Scattered throughout there were frighteningly dark, moody poems, abstract doodlings and in some cases grim artwork, such as the faces of the men who had hurt Ben. Ray recognized them as such, despite the fact that after they were drawn they had been scribbled over hastily and viciously with a pen. He was astounded by his friend's artistic talent and eye for detail when he came upon an excellently drawn picture of a feral Diefenbaker, in an attack stance, ready to leap off the page. The entries after the first week and a half back in the Territories, mentioned Ben's getting an unexpected visitor. It was Eric, the respected Inuit shaman that was a friend of Ben's. Ben spoke of Eric's telling him he intuitively knew that something was very wrong with him. Eric was in tune to so much around him, that he tracked the source of the recent disharmony and imbalance he sensed in the area to Ben's door. He spoke to him about his blackened spirit weighing Ben down, smothering him. He offered Ben his spiritual aid to help cast out some, if not all, of the demons he was facing. At first Ben didn't feel that this 'hocus-pocus' was the answer. Couldn't see it working and politely turned down the offer. In the days that followed, the journal told of Ben's playing with the idea that maybe Eric could help him. But he was afraid of sharing too much of himself and what had happened with anyone else. It still embarassed him and made him feel ashamed, that to talk about it with anyone would be uncomfortable and frightening to him. About 2 weeks after returning to the Territories, Ben returned to active duty. He was glad to be working again where he wanted to be. He threw himself into his work to keep his mind occupied with other things besides the personal hell he'd been living in. Ray noticed a change in Ben's behavior towards those he worked with and those he was there to help. Where once he knew Ben didn't like feeling like someone on the outside looking in, now Ben preferred it that way, and often times didn't even want to look in. His words revealed a Benny that had become very reclusive, cold and snobbish. About a month after his return to Canada, Ben had spoken of his inability to sleep through the whole night without waking in fear. He was mentally and physically exhausted and tired of living with his sleeping and waking nightmares. At about this time the decision was made to seek out the Inuit man, with the hope that trying Eric's way was better than doing nothing about this. Again he was granted time off and went in search of Eric. The journal entries stopped here for a while. They resumed with Ben's return from finding the Inuit man and living in the Inuit village for those missing 2 months in the journal. Whatever Eric and the Tschimmian people did for Ben, Ray felt he was now forever in their debt. Because the Ben who wrote the next entries after that was no longer as dark and erratic as before. Ray was happy to see that there were actually more and more glimpses to his old Benny shining through here and there. He was especially relieved and touched to see the smiling portrait Ben had drawn of him a few days later into the journal. It had the tell-tale signs of a slightly worn page, which indicated that it had been turned to a number of times. A lump formed in his throat as he read the page opposite it, which spoke of Ben missing him. Regretting how he'd left their relationship and afraid that all he had left of him was his memories and the picture he carried with him always in his mind and heart - the one he'd drawn. There was a moving love poem here as well and such a sense of sadness at love lost. Ray lovingly moved his hand over these written pages, as if he could reach out to Ben on that day and reassure him all was not lost. Ray longed to have been here then, regretted that he'd never actually come up here on his own despite the fear of further rejection. He'd thought about it a number of times and even came very close to jumping a plane and going to him during their separation, but never had the courage to actually do so. The entries which followed gradually became lighter, but still had a sense of sadness, but not that deep depression he'd read before. Ben had returned to work now and this time felt truly ready to be back there. Ben began talking about wanting to rebuild his father's destroyed cabin now. He'd been staying at one of the deserted and isolated RCMP posts when he'd first come back, but now he was ready to face this other painful part of his life, wishing Ray was there to help him, but believing that was not possible. Ray found himself laughing at some of the entries that concerned the rebuilding of the cabin. At times Ben would actually write as if he was talking directly to him; asking him questions about what he would and wouldn't like in this new house. Ray caught himself answering back to the pages at certain points. Suddenly there was a shift in the tone of the journal again. Ben was angry at himself and some of the earlier self-loathing was seeping back into his writing. The reason for the change was made clear when Ben spoke of receiving a letter from Lt Welsh. The letter apparently was a kind one, not wanting to hurt him, but to let him know that they had found the rapists, one of whom had died and the other two sent for long term prison sentences at a maximum security prison. Ben was touched by hearing Welsh telling him that Ray had been the one to connect the men to Fraser's case and relayed to him what a good friend he had in Ray, relating the incident at the precinct when he'd gone after the men with a vengeance. Ray stored it in the back of his mind that he'd have to thank his ex-boss some day for being the one to break the news to Fraser and for the words on his behalf. However the letter stirred some dark thoughts again. Ben berated himself for being a coward and not doing something to ensure his tormentors had seen justice. He took the death of their last victim hard, taking the blame for it on himself. Believing that he could have prevented it, by finding the criminals himself and bringing them to justice, even if it meant coming forward publicly to try them for his rape and in so doing reveal his homosexual relationship to Ray. They'd tormented him by letting him know they'd been watching him for a while and studying his habits before planning the attack. He still wasn't sure if his rapists really knew or had just taken a guess when they taunted him with their apparent knowledge about Ray and himself. The guilt and empathy over the last victim's death was something Fraser was going to have come to terms with. Ray would be there to help him should this topic ever come up between them in the future. He had always planned to tell Fraser about this at some point, Welsh just helped by making it easier for Ray to broach the subject. After 'the letter', the journal went back to his rebuilding the cabin. There was a debate going on, somewhere between the time Ben finished putting in the indoor water and the generator, to whether or not Ray would want him back and come live with him due north, if he went to Chicago when the cabin was presentable and asked. He was afraid of Ray's rejection, but felt he would be justified if he never wanted to see or talk to him again, he just had to know if there was still a chance that they could be together again. Reading this part Ray was happy with the decision he'd made to join Ben here and share his life. Finally he reached the end of the last journal, staying up all night to do so, he was tired and ready for sleep. He closed then hugged the journal close to his chest, placing it on top of a stack he'd put down on the part of the bed Ben slept on. Laying down next to the small stack, he reached out a hand to place on the top cover whispering "Good night Benny.", falling asleep in minutes. When he awoke he thought he was still in a dream, because the stack of journals he had his hand on before had somehow turned into his actual lover, lying down beside him asleep. He was still in his uniform and must have just crashed there when he got home. Ray moved in closer to him and started to fall back asleep, when he felt arms going around him and a kiss on his head as a sleepy voice said "Hello Ray. Who's our house guest? Were you making friends while I was away?" That's when Ray noticed Lincoln was at Ben's side, with his snout on the bed, breathing on Ben's hip, looking at them both with soulful pay-attention-to-me eyes. He introduced the young dog to his new master. "Lincoln this is Benny. Benny meet Lincoln. He's one of Dief's sons. Listens just as well too, so I'm sure of his parentage. I got him for you. And before you ask, no I didn't dognap him from Jackie Alexander. She gave him to me voluntarily when I told her I wanted to buy him from her for you." Ben's face went through a few different phases instantly, from surprise, to pleasure, to touched by such a thoughtful gift. He reached out to pet the dog who was part wolf and Diefenbaker. "Welcome Lincoln. You're as beautiful as your father." Turning to his considerate bedmate now, "Thank you very kindly Ray.", then kissed him thoroughly. When they pulled away, Ray asked after the kids that were lost. Ben was smiling and told him that he successfully found them alive and as well as can be expected for being lost and scared in the wilderness. "They were hungry enough to eat bugs and fuzzy nightcrawlers." Ray's nose scrunched up and he shuddered in disgusted recollection. "Yuk! You didn't feed those poor kids that did you? I could swear I felt those things crawling around inside me for days." Ben laughed at the desired reaction he'd gotten, "No, I had enough food in my pack for them. But I guess that means you don't want a snack? I brought *you* back some." Ray liked that giggle of Ben's and playfully pulled away from him pretending offense. "I'll sic my mother on you if you don't feed me better than that." They were both laughing now. "I'm glad your back. I wanted to thank-you." "For what?" "For being you and loving me enough to let me in to see you better." A puzzled Fraser responded, "Hmm?" Ray looked at him seriously now. "You probably noticed. Actually I know you noticed I had your journals." Ben gazed back at him worried what his lover's reactions to them - and hence himself - would be. "Yes I did. Did you read them all?" Ray didn't break eye contact. "I read everything from a week before the rape until now. I love you so much. I wanted to understand what you went through; see how I could help you." Ben pulled him close and choked out, "You just did." *************************************************** Ray started his temporary security job at the airport tommorrow, so they wanted to finish up building the bathroom for the cabin today. They'd been working on it these last 2 weeks, just needing to put some finishing touches to the fixtures and tiling now. The room was a little more fancy than he would have chosen for himself, he was used to the outhouse out back afterall, so anything after that was fancy. As promised he had let Ray pick out the fixtures for the room and he liked the choices made for a tub with enclosed shower, sink and mirror, the works. Ray had removed his shirt a short time ago, when he started working up a sweat when putting in the shower door. That was about the time when Fraser's attention to his own work started wavering. After that task of Ray's was done, he was on his knees back turned to Ben as he leaned over the tub edge to work inside it, half-in and half-out. He was wearing those tight jeans again and Fraser's eyes kept drifting over, distracted from his own job across the room, to gaze at the firm butt, as Ray unknowingly teased him as he periodically stretched and rhythmically rocked back and forth while in this position in the tub. He was thinking how good it would taste and feel to lick that back, when he felt a building sensation in his groin. Watching Ray at work like this was really turning him on. "Ahh Ray?" "Mmmm." "Could you help me with something?" "Sure Fraser. Just one screw and I'll be there." "Ray are you talking dirty to me again?" he teased. "Benny I'm shocked. But if that's how you interpreted it. I won't deny it." He was standing in front of him now, so temptingly close. "What can I help you with Benny?" Concern etched Ray's features now when he saw the slightly flushed look on Ben's face, "Hey you ok? You look feverish." He placed his hand on Ben's forehead. Ben placed his hand on top of the one on his head and slowly guided it palm down along the front of his own jeans. "As you can see its a different kind of fever Ray. I have a project for you. Are you interested?" Ray's wicked smile came out at the sound of his lover's suggestion and then the moan as his hand continued to move teasingly over Ben's straining bulge. "Is that a hammer in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" Ben wanted all of Ray so desperately at that moment, that in a sultry voice he spoke, "I think the shower needs to be tested Ray." Ray was already working at Ben's shirt buttons. "I agree. Its got to be tested some time Benny. Now is as good a time as any." Both now nude, they made their way to the new shower and laughed at the very slow light trickle of water that was coming out of the showerhead. "Looks like the pressure isn't quite ready yet. But the pressure inside me feels ready to burst." As they caressed, groped, licked, nibbled, sucked at each other with increasing passion, the pressure increased and they were both soon feeling warm wet refreshing bursts. When at last their lovemaking left them fully content but spent, Ben smiled happily into his lover's eyes. "I think the shower needs to be tested regularly from now on Ray. You never know when that pressure is going to act up again." THE END WASH ME CLEAN By KD Lang from the album 'Engenue' "You swim, swim through my veins. Drown me in you(r) Ray. My desire carries no shame. My will will harbor no pain. WASH, WASH ME CLEAN. MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS. CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS. Swim, swim through my veins. Drown me in you(r) Ray. WASH, WASH ME CLEAN. MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS. CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS. Drink, drink from my spell. Quench love's drying well. WASH, WASH ME CLEAN. MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS. CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS." THE END Return to the Due South Fiction Archive