Catch and Release, by Viridian5  "Catch and Release"
 By Viridian5
 7/99
 RATING: R; Fraser/Kowalski. If m/m interaction bothers you, dance on by.
 SPOILERS: "Strange Bedfellows"
 SUMMARY: Fraser tries to help Ray without helping himself.
 DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, as long as you ask me first.
 FEEDBACK: Hell, yes. Feedback can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
 DISCLAIMERS: All things _Due South_ belong to Alliance no matter how much
I want Ray K to belong to me. No infringement intended. Suing me would be
a waste of time. Besides, I'd just kick you in the head.
 NOTES: The boys were doing something a lot like their Not Looking at one
another but to me, refusing to tell me anything but giving me hints. It
was all full of meaning while articulating nothing. A long conversation
with Te helped me get them going. She also once said of Ray K: "He's a
wriggler. A jitterer. A foot tapping finger snapping Tiggerboy." So, hail
Te! Praise Te! Thanks to Tirinar too for beta.
 

 =====================
 "Catch and Release"
 By Viridian5
 =====================

 

"Home sweet Consulate, Frase." 

"Please come in with me for a moment, Ray." 

"Why?" 

Ben looked at his partner. He knew that Ray hadn't slept at all last
night, and tonight looked like it would be a replay of the last. Prior to
meeting Ray, Ben hadn't thought a person could be that tired and still be
sparking with nervous energy, an energy that only seemed to drain him
further but not enough to lead to healing sleep. Irritable and manic, he
had fidgeted, drummed on the steering wheel, and snapped his gum all
through their stakeout. He smelled like frustration and despair. 

He looked like he was burning alive from the inside in a blaze that would
devour him until only ash remained. 

Passion, his hopeless yearning for his ex-wife Stella, had left Ray like
this. Ben remembered the torment Victoria had caused him and knew he
couldn't leave his partner in this state. Couldn't leave him alone to
suffer. 

"I want to ask you something." //I want you to sleep. I want you to be
well.// 

"You can't ask in the car?" 

"No. Please, Ray." 

"All right, Fraser. I'll come in." 

"Thank you." 

"Yeah, yeah." 

Ben felt the Consulate's calm quiet, the peace and gentility conveyed by
its solid dark wood and old-fashioned construction, enfold him the moment
he entered the foyer, but it didn't seem to touch Ray at all. He still
crackled, making Ben wonder yet again if his blond hair stood on end from
styling or innate electricity. It gave him a sudden image of him rubbing
his partner's head against the wall and watching it adhere through static.


It seemed that Ray wasn't the only tired one here. 

Ben had a plan. It was time to start it. 

He stopped at the desk and turned on the radio, keeping the volume low.
The soft, slow music brightened the night a little. Ray closed his pale
eyes and moved a little in time in slow, graceful back and forth steps,
hypnotic and beguiling. It focused his energy in a trajectory, a change
from the way it usually whipped out randomly. A fragile veil of peace
settled over them. 

Ray stopped, opened his eyes, and tore it with, "What did ya want to ask
me?" 

Ben tried to find a graceful way to ask but failed. "I wanted..." No, that
wouldn't do at all. "That is..." Not that either. He stifled a sigh. "What
I mean is..." 

"Yer killin' me here." 

Finally, he just did it. "Would you keep dancing for me, Ray?" 

"What?" Ray looked self-conscious now, caught. 

"You were--" 

"I wasn't doing nothin'. I was just swaying. I'm tired, Frase." 

//And it breaks my heart to see you tired like this.// "Then would you
dance for me now? Please? You were so good dancing--" 

"With Stella." 

That didn't do at all. "I hoped to see you do it again." Ben remembered
the joy on Ray's face as he'd danced with his ex-wife and wanted to see it
again. He didn't know if Stella or the dancing or both had given Ray that
look of transcendent happiness, but he wanted to give it a try. 

"I charge more fer a lap dance, Frase." 

"I don't know what--" 

"'Course you don't." Ray ran a hand through his spiky hair. "I couldn't do
it with you watchin' me. That would be too freaky." 

"If you would be so kind as to dance with me, then?" Even better, if it
worked. 

"And that's *not* freaky? What am I saying; yer a freak, so of course you
ask for freaky things. I don't know what you think yer doin', but I'm not
buying it. You think I just--" 

Ray could go on for a while if not stopped immediately. "Ray. Ray. Ray.
Ray." 

"What?" 

"I don't have anything 'freaky' intended. This is a completely innocent
request." It was. He just wanted Ray to relax a little; he could keep his
more selfish thoughts under control. He sighed. Time to bring out the
secret weapon. Ben tried to keep his face blank. "There's an Inuit story
that--" 

Ray's expression looked exasperated and affectionate all at once. It
warmed Ben to see. "Geez! Is there one for everything?" Ray asked. "Look,
I'll dance with ya if I get to skip storytime, okay?" 

"That's acceptable." 

Ray sighed. "Get over here." 

From the very first time he had met Ray and seen all that sparking energy,
Ben had wanted to touch him, see if the electricity could be felt too. He
soon found out that it could. He felt it in little jolts now as Ray's hand
settled at his waist and took one of his own. It hummed and crackled even
through the leather of Ray's jacket underneath Ben's other hand. Once
again he wondered how a body could contain it all without exploding. 

Their first move together had them wrestling in a clash of limbs instead
of dancing. "Frase, you're trying to lead!" 

Oh. "I'm used to--" 

"I know, but we can't both lead; we'll just mess each other up." 

There was something profound in that. "Of course." 

"You asked me to dance, so I'm doin' you a favor." Ray smirked, but it
warmed his eyes. "So I lead. Get it?" 

"Got it." 

"Good. I lead, you follow." 

Given the circumstances, Ben had half-expected Ray to move desultorily,
humoring the Mountie, but he seemed to be giving it all. Maybe he couldn't
help himself. 

The song ended and changed to something faster, a samba Ben didn't
recognize. Ray started to move, forward, back, with a rhythmic swaying of
denim-clad hips. Leaning in to Ben, then away. Heat and presence, then
air. Ben wanted to yank Ray close and stop him from escaping, but that
would scare him. Ben rarely let himself touch people, because it always
made him want to hold tight, to make sure they could never go. 

If you held something too tightly, you always broke it. 

Following his lead felt odd at first, backward, like learning to write
with your other hand, but Ben soon realized that he could feel muscle cues
from Ray on where to move next. He'd never been good at dancing, but under
Ray's direction he felt grace settle over him, as if he became an
extension of his partner. He felt something like this only occasionally
with either Ray, and he had never disliked it. 

Actually, he'd craved it. 

And he shouldn't. When you wanted something too much, it got taken away
from you. 

"Doin' good, Frase. Now we speed up." 

"Why?" 

"I was goin' slow so you could get used to it. You sure you wanna do
this?" 

Ben wondered about that himself, but he knew he didn't want to sever the
connection or lose the grin on Ray's face. "I'm ready." 

The changes in movement came faster now, and their footwork devoured more
floor space. A tenor voice sang of love, but that seemed to be the usual
topic of such songs. Sometimes Ray reeled Ben all the way out until only a
handclasp kept them connected before pulling him back in. The first time
felt awkward, but the next one was better as Ben let himself just go with
it, just a little. 

Away, then back. Each "away" felt so wrong, but not as much as it could
have if he hadn't known that he would be reeled back in. 

It was a bit like his life. 

//Let him spin you away temporarily. You'd scare him otherwise. You can
find the control; you always do.// Ben knew that the first Ray's abrupt
departure hadn't helped him at all //I was going to tell him I--// but
clutching the second Ray wouldn't help or change that. 

It amazed Ben that both men were considered to be opposite to him but were
also considered opposite to one another. It should have been impossible.
Instead, it only showed how imperfect labels could be. They all shared
traits like loyalty, decency, honor, and a thirst for justice. How could
they all be opposites? 

It did relieve Ben that his second Ray had so many differences from the
first. It let him know that he wasn't just accepting and reacting to a
copy Ray. That would be appallingly disrespectful to both Rays. 

It was warm in here and getting warmer from their exertions. Ray's blond
hair had started to darken at the roots from perspiration. Above all the
scents of all the products city people used to enhance or disguise
themselves, Ray smelled of clean heat and sugar, the last from two packs
of gum used over seven hours. Blindfolded, Ben would still know him in a
crowded room just from scent. 

Ben wanted to get closer, desperately wanted to taste Ray too. You
couldn't begin to understand something until you experienced it with all
your senses. Ben wished he didn't know how Ray felt about him licking
things, because then he'd be able to--briefly, very briefly--run his
tongue down gleaming pale skin with a clear conscience. 

No. This wasn't productive at all. It couldn't happen, so he shouldn't
think about it. He moved on to other thoughts. 

It felt good to move after hours in the car, after all the time he'd spent
here in Chicago. Having roamed his home's vast wilderness all his life, he
sometimes felt that being in the city was like being trapped indoors. Or
in a cage. 

Seeing Ray now, Ben had to wonder if this was Ray's home, these moments of
directed movement. He glowed with happiness and confidence; his grin
blinded. Lost in his own space, he had his eyes half-closed. Fraser had
never met a man who somehow took up so much space, yet now Ray seemed to
be everywhere, like sunlight. His energy currently warmed instead of
jolted. Ben basked as much as he could let himself. 

Small beads of sweat ran down Ray's hairline and neck. They made Ben so
strangely hungry. Ray would be pulling him in again soon, and maybe he
would find a way to get close enough to-- 

Ray stopped suddenly, completely, and Ben jerked off balance. "Ray,
what--" 

Ray looked upset and deeply uncomfortable. "Why are ya doin' that, Frase?"


"Doing what?" 

"Starin' at me like that." 

It hit Ben that Ray thought he'd done something wrong to get that stare.
It would never occur to him that someone would be... what? Adoring him? 

Even more than usual, this situation needed the truth. Anything else would
hurt and disturb Ray even worse. Relief hit Ben as he realized that it had
been taken out of his hands; he *had* to reveal himself now. 

"I wanted to get closer to you," Ben said. "You're... beautiful to me,
Ray." 

Ben had seen Ray's expression once on a man who'd gotten hit on the head
with an oar. Ray trembled. "Oh. Oh..." He turned to flee. 

Everything in Ben's soul screamed, No! He tightened his grip on Ray's
wrist and felt Ray's pulse pounding awayawayaway under his fingers.
Panicked, Ray still had good instincts. Seeing that he couldn't run, he
sprang at Ben instead, prepared to punch his way loose if necessary. Ben
managed to catch his other wrist and felt his heart hammering through both
hands. As he tried to rip his way free, his energy seemed to arc in waves
of sparks at his captor. 

Ray's reaction was worse than he'd ever imagined it could be. "Ray. Ray,"
Ben said in as calming a tone as he could. "Ray, I'm sorry. I'll let you
go if you--" 

Ray stilled, as much as he ever could. Breathing hard, he asked softly,
"Why d'ya have to say that shit, Frase?" He sounded deeply hurt. 

"I meant it." 

"You couldn't've-- Is this about Stella? Some kind of pity thing?" 

"I don't lie," Ben replied, confused. 

"Yeah, but yer polite, and polite can be lying. In a way." 

Ben tried to figure out exactly what Ray was accusing him of and thinking.
Then a possibility hit him. It horrified him. "I'm polite, Ray, but I
don't take it that far." 

"I know what I am. I'm not beautiful. You couldn't possibly have any
interest in me as-- No." 

Ben's heart sang. Ray would welcome "interest"? Ben realized that his
thumbs were trying to stroke calm into Ray's pulsing wrists. He didn't
stop. Looking like a trapped animal, Ray breathed raggedly at him,
prepared for something awful. 

Then he was in for a surprise. //We both are, actually.// "You are. I do.
Let me show you." 

Seeing it was his turn to lead, even as he felt some shock at his own
forwardness, Ben brought Ray in close and kissed him. He tasted of sweet
and salt, with an overtone of coffee. His soft lips yielded instantly to
Ben, who needed to get a taste of the inside of his mouth too, the feel of
smooth teeth. Their hearts now pounded almost in synchronization. Ben let
go of Ray's wrists and just held him gently, in a way that could allow him
to escape if he felt he had to. Ray didn't go, just trembled and held Ben
too. 

When Ben finally broke the kiss off, Ray put his head against the
serge-clad shoulder and gasped, "God, you..." Ben did what he'd wanted to
do for so long and tasted Ray's skin, this time his partner's neck,
glorying in the warm, salty smoothness against his tongue and the
vibration of something that was almost a purr coming from his partner's
throat. When Ben started to stroke his hair, Ray opened his darkening eyes
to reveal a look of overwhelming love, lust, and confusion. 

If Ben wanted to, he could have Ray right now. Lead him to the room, fling
him onto the cot or floor, and pounce with no protests. Ben wanted to,
more than anything. But he also knew that Ray was too tired to think and
still suffering from days of being near Stella again. What word did
Americans use? Rebound? It would be taking advantage. He didn't want to do
that. 

If Ben clutched tightly now, Ray could wake up the next morning regretting
the night as an example of temporary insanity. Might decide that their
whole partnership was a mistake. If Ben held him loosely, gave him time,
they might have a real chance. 

"Ray, you don't have to--" 

A fevered kiss stopped Ben's words. Ray said, "I know." 

"It would be taking advantage." 

Ray looked at him with dazed eyes, yet he somehow looked... primal. "Do
you want me? You said you did." 

"Yes." 

"Then let me take advantage of you, would ya?" 

One last try. "Ray, you're tired, you're--" 

Ray drove Ben back against the wall and pinned him there. "This look tired
to you?" Ray moved in close. "You really weren't just teasing, were ya?" 

"No, I would never tease you about something like that." 

"Good." 

Maybe this time Ben could get what he wanted and keep it. At the very
least, he could fight for it. 

 **********************THE END***********************

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