Alliance owns them, we just enjoy them - no effort is being made to
profit monetarily from Due South the story or its characte   Lynne Schmidt
Normal Lynne Schmidt 2 66 2000-08-16T08:49:00Z 2000-08-16T08:49:00Z 14
6520 27388 720 163 45646 9.2720    0 0			         Alliance
owns them, we just enjoy them - no effort is being made to profit
monetarily from Due South the story or its characters as created by Paul
Haggis.   This is the beginning of the sequel to Quiet Rage that several
sibs have asked for. I hope you enjoy this. This is set before COTW and
offers just one possible reason for the constraint between Ray and Ben
when Ray returns. Perhaps also for his quick attachment to Stella, who
would not represent any kind of threat to Ray's personal identity as a
man.   Title: Rage To Be Quiet Author: Lys reached at Lystykds@aol.com
Pairings: None	Spoilers: BTHD, COTW, Quiet Rage     Teaser from Quiet
Rage   Ray leaned over and touched Ben gently. "Come on we don't have much
time."	  "Ray, are you going to be safe here?"   "As safe as anyone is in
this part of the world."   "I'm sorry Ray."   "What are you sorry for?"  
Ben shook his head forlornly. "I was stupid, I walked right into their
trap."   "You didn't have a chance. I know how they operate. They waited
for you to be totally alone and wham. You were their property."   "I don't
want to leave you Ray."   "I know, but someone has to be at home to
protect Ma and Franny. I want that someone to be you. OK"   "OK."   Ray
helped Ben clean himself up and get dressed in the woman's clothing again.
He helped him with the wig and the makeup. The pantyhose drove them both
nuts, but that too was accomplished.    When they were done, Ben leaned
into Ray and used his hands to find Ray's face. He leaned and kissed Ray
softly, gently on the lips. "Come home to us, please Ray." He said in the
barest of whispers. "We need you."   Ray pushed Ben back with a sharp
movement and smiled. "You just do your job, I'll be back."   Ray watched
silently as a set of handcuffs was put on one of Ben's wrists and attached
to another man. They moved Ben delicately as if he were a hothouse flower
and placed him in the waiting car. As it pulled away, Ray turned and hit
the cement pillar next to him and vowed silently to make Mancioni pay.  
EPILOGUE   Several weeks later Constable Benton Fraser sat at his desk
working on his afternoon reports. He had been returned quietly to his life
several weeks ago. Inspector Thatcher and Welsh were glad to se him
return, but had acted as if his disappearance had been an aberrant
behavior on his part. No one he knew had seen him arrive in Chicago in
that dress. They had taken him to a hotel across town from the Consulate
and quietly gave him another sedative. When he woke up the dress and
makeup were gone and casual jeans and shirt lay on the bed next to him. He
had dressed quietly never once looking in the mirror over the room's
dresser.   Somewhere in the back of his head he heard Turnbull answering
the door. Minutes later, Turnbull saluted smartly and handed him a small
box. Benton waited for Turnbull to leave and slowly opened the box. When
he finally had it open, he just sat and stared slack jawed for a moment.
Inside the box was a broken and smashed videocassette and a lump of melted
celluloid.    Ben's throat constricted and rose to stand looking out his
office window as a single tear slipped down his cheek. So Ray had won. But
would he come home? God he hoped so, he needed him.     And now on to Rage
To Be Quiet     I stand here alone looking out the window of my office and
wondering where Ray might be. Tears course down my cheeks and I cannot
stop them. For weeks since my return I have held my silence, watching and
waiting for some sign from Ray, some small sign that he is well. Behind me
on the desk is the sign I have waited to see. I want terribly to believe
that that the pile of melted tape and plastic was sent to me by Ray. I
need to believe that. I have to believe that. If I can't accept that, if I
can't believe that then I must conclude it was sent by Ray's enemies; my
enemies now, too. I can feel the tension in my shoulders, as tight as it
has ever been since my return. The sun is shinning outside hardly
reflecting my mood and fears. All too often, I have stood here in this
window of late starring out with tears on my face.    Wiping a tear from
my face, I can only conclude that this has all been more than I can safely
handle. But I have no one with whom to share my terror. I can tell no one.
No Ray is here to listen to me. No Ray is here to guide me through this
morass of uncivilized behavior directed towards us by those he
investigates. I fear that Inspector Thatcher is watching me and that I
disappoint her of late. I know Turnbull treads softly around me whether
from a need to provide a calming influence over me or because he is just
confused by my behavior.   Since returning, I can't stand to have anyone
near me, touch me, hug me. I am ashamed of all that happened to me, yet I
am proud of Ray's strength. I am a Mountie and should not have fallen prey
to that man, Tremmings. God, I need Ray to help me out of this. He has
left me the guardianship of his family. This I can gladly do. But even
Francesca has watched me closely of late. I fear she sees into my very
soul and knows something is very wrong with me. I have become more polite
and quieter. Ray Kowalski, my new 'Ray Vecchio' watches me as closely as
does Francesca. Neither of them must know the lengths I have gone to
hinder their inquiries.    And I cannot, I simply cannot look Mrs. Vecchio
in the face. If she knew, surely she would consider me a corrupting
influence on her family and then I would not be able to do my duty as Ray
requested of me. Therefore, I stand here, tears flowing from my eyes,
hands held tightly behind my back and pray. Please let that pile of
plastic and celluloid is a sign from Ray. Please God.    I hear my office
door open and tighten my shoulders and hold myself still. What will I do
if it's the Inspector and she orders me to turn around? There is no way I
can hide these tears on my face. No way.      Stanley Raymond Kowalski,
aka the new 'Ray Vecchio' held the door to Fraser's office open and stuck
his head inside. "Hey, you almost off for the day?" He noted his friends
shoulders relax and tension seem to ooze from the red serge. "Pizza, you
name it."   "Yes, Ray." Eyes still sought the sunlight outside and didn't
turn towards the soft voice of friendship. "Pizza will be fine. Could you
give me a minute or two Ray, then I'll be right with you."   Ray walked in
and closed the door noting the thinness of his buddy's shoulders. He'd
been watching the weight slip off the Mountie for a couple of weeks. He
stood there silently watching the man in his almost too large red serge.
He was certain he heard Ben sniff, like he'd been crying. Ray's eyes
glanced around the office and saw the mess of videotape in the middle of
the Constable's desk. Ray cocked his head at the mess and then glanced
inquisitively towards Ben. This the detective didn't like, but he was well
aware of the fact that if Ben didn't want you to know something then you
better count it as a done deal. You would never find what he didn't want
you to find. But this time, Ray could just feel that Ben was emotionally
sinking and sinking fast. Maybe now was the time to start pushing.      I
have changed out of my uniform with shaking hands and my hands still shake
as I deposit the message from Ray in its box and place it in my closet.
Ray Kowalski has gone from the room and I lean desperately against my
closet door. I can hear his footsteps returning from the Consulate water
closet and pull myself upright. I adjust my shirt collar and wait for him
to make his entrance into my office. I feel he is aware of my instability
of thought. Please, God, let me get through another evening, another
night. For Ray Vecchio's sake I cannot let anyone into my thoughts; not
now, perhaps not ever. I try to smile as I hear the hand on my doorknob.
How difficult can eating pizza with Ray be?     "Hey buddy, you ready to
leave?"   "Yes, Ray. Quite ready."    The two men leave the Consulate
behind them and set out for Ray's favorite pizza place. The silence in the
GTO is almost deafening to Fraser. It is the fear that if he says anything
at the moment that he will come unraveled and totally exposed that keeps
Fraser quiet. Ray drives his beloved GTO towards their waiting deluxe
pizza with pineapple on top while taking side-glances at Fraser. Worry
begins to crease his brow and his intuitive feeling that something is very
wrong with Fraser fills his mind as he drives. Pulling up in front of his
favorite pizza establishment, Ray smiles at Fraser.   "Be right back."   A
nod of his head and Fraser slides down in his seat as he watches the back
of his 'partner' disappear into the carryout place. He almost but not
quite closes his eyes.     The pizza smells enticing as I follow Ray up
the stairs and I wonder for the tenth time since leaving the Consulate
tonight just why I am here. Why am I putting myself in a possible position
of exposure? Is that what I want? I have trusted this Ray with my life,
but can I trust him with more than that, perhaps my very soul? Ray opens
his apartment door and I follow him inside, my stomach wrenching with the
fear that I will let something slip. I try to smile and lay my Stetson
down on a side table while I watch Ray place the pizza box down on the
coffee table over the myriad items already laid out there.     "Tea, hot
or cold? Or do would you like some of that designer water stuff. Got
some." Ray waltzed on light feet towards his refrigerator even though his
stomach was tied in knots from trying to ignore uncharacteristic severe
paleness and thinness of the Mountie.   "Whatever is easiest Ray." Fraser
claimed his usual spot on the sofa and waited politely for Ray to join him
before opening the box.   Ray gamboled into the living room area carrying
their drinks and plunked himself down in his favorite chair. He set the
drinks down and grabbed at the pizza box and fumbled the lid open.   Both
men took their first piece of pizza and ate quickly, almost inhaling the
thick slices in their hands. Fraser felt his stomach practically calling
for more, but he hesitated in taking a second piece.   Ray watched Fraser
in his peripheral vision and noticed the hesitant movement of his friend's
hand towards another piece.    "You gotta eat more than one piece.
Otherwise you'll make me feel bad for pigging out...Come on buddy, wrap
your molars around another piece."   Ben looked at Ray quickly not wanting
to reveal the pain in his eyes that he knew must be evident and politely
took another piece of pizza in his hand.   "That's right. I don't want to
put leftovers in the fridge. So eat up. OK?"     I sit here stuffing
another piece of pizza in my mouth fully realizing that Ray is aware of my
weight loss of late. I wonder what else he has noticed. I shall have to
make a note to eat better in his presence, perhaps that will still his
curiosity. But I have a feeling I have walked into a well-set trap this
evening. And like the captured wolf whose paw is grabbed in the trap I
wonder if I can free myself.     Ray watched Fraser finish his second
piece of pizza and noted the tenseness of the man sitting with him. He
watched the pulse beat its rhythm in the little vein that ran down
Fraser's forehead towards his left eye. He waited for Fraser to rub his
eye, counting the beats of the man's heart. Ray chomped on his fourth
piece of pizza and smiled like a sated cat and leaned back into his easy
chair.	  "I'm two pieces ahead o you Fras...Come on, eat up." He smiled.
"Dief isn't here to compete with us for each piece. Enjoy yourself."   
"Dief is going to be upset he missed this. You have no idea how he can
make you pay and pay. He's quite the nagger you know."   "Ya, I know the
wolf likes to let his wishes be known. Speaking of the wolf, did you see
him grinning at Franny the other day?"   "Yes, and I had a long talk with
him about that. His answer was quite lascivious I must say. He claimed he
wouldn't look at her like that if she didn't dress so provocatively and
smell so wonderful. He said she's changed shampoo scents and he likes this
one. He's really getting quite out of hand in his regards to the human
female form."   "Oh, yea. Dief has good taste. That dark blue skirt Franny
wore the other day was too sweet. You smell her hair? She's a walking time
bomb."   Fraser cast a glare at Ray. "Really, her skirt was a bit short,
but still quite her style. Her hair smells like a lemon grove just as the
fruit is ready to be picked. Quite fresh smelling."   "So you do pay
attention to her?"   "Why would I not Ray, she is the sister of one of my
best friends."   "Fras, so you admit you are a Franny watcher, like the
rest of us guys."   "I admit I am aware of her. Franny watcher?"   "Well,
you ain't her big brother. You like what you see, don't you?"   "Francesca
is an admirable looking woman."   "You like her." Ray said with a grin.
"You ever gonna ask her out?"       I am sitting here and letting Ray bait
me. Why? I could so easily turn this discussion to another venue of topic.
I could turn the conversation to the making of shampoo or lemon groves for
instance. But I won't. I will sit here and try my best not to as Ray would
say, confuse the issue. The clock is striking 7, I wonder if Ray has
noticed.     Ray watched Fraser think and could imagine the wheels and
cogs grinding in that Canadian skull. He laughed inwardly as he realized
he had finally gotten a small hint from Fraser that he was a 'Franny
watcher'.    "Jim Gabrielsen over at the one-five stopped by the two-seven
the other day. Boy did he give Franny the once over. She laughed and
popped her gum right in his face."   "Did he bother her unduly Ray?"  
"Come again, Fras?"   "I mean did he seem to step beyond the bounds of
propriety?"   "Do you ever speak without wrapping your thoughts up in tidy
packages Fras?"   Fraser looked at Ray and seemed to collapse a little
into himself. Ray watched the set of Fraser's hands as they were kept in
rigid military form on Fraser's knees. Not good, he thought. He's all
wrapped up tight inside.   "I can speak in less formal modes, yes. Was
this Jim Gabrielsen bothering Francesca unduly?"   "Unduly? Well, if you
mean did he have his eyes up her skirt and down her top, yea I guess he
was trying to be all over her." Ray watched the look on Fraser's face take
on that fierce protective look he wore when he was about to tackle a
problem.   "Perhaps I should speak to the gentleman in question."   "And
what, tell him to back off cause you're interested? That ain't like you
Fraser."   "It wouldn't be seemly for me to pursue Francesca, Ray."   "And
why not. Are you or are you not interested in her, as a woman I mean." Ray
watched the gray-blue eyes turn a bit dreamy then drop into closed mode.
Oh yea, Fraser was interested all right.   "I cannot pursue her while
she,"   "While she what Fras."   Fraser looked at his watch and rose
quickly. "Oh Dear. I promised  Diefenbaker I would be in by 7:30 so he
could have a run in the park. Would you mind Ray if I left now Ray?"  
"You're not going to answer me are you?"   "Not at this point in time Ray,
no." Fraser looked at him with pleading eyes.    "You want a lift?"   "No,
I need to stretch my legs after being sedentary all day."     I stand
there in the middle of Ray's living and I am pleading with him to let it
drop. For now it seems that he will. But I don't think he will be held at
arm's length for long.	  I exit Ray's apartment building and jam my
Stetson onto head. I begin walking in the direction of the Consulate with
quick, stretching strides. Ray is not going to be easy to fool. I feel
rather like one of our suspects he has attacked in the interrogation rooms
at the two-seven. I better pay more attention to myself when he is around.
This is not going to be easy. Maybe walking the long way around to the
Consulate will earn me a complete night's rest. I quicken my pace and head
towards the labyrinth of alley's and side streets I use to reach the
Consulate rather than following the more direct path. My heart hurts and
my head feels heavy as I walk, for I cannot forget my promise to Ray
Vecchio and I cannot stop thinking about the refreshingly clean smell of
Francesca's hair the last time I stood next to her. My feelings though
must not come into this. My promise must take precedent over what I need
or feel.      Two dark clothed figures moved stealthily along behind the
Mountie using the shadows for cover. They move easily in the shadows are
where they live their life. They wait until he turns down a particularly
dark and lonely alley before they motion to someone a head of them.    
Ray picked up the pizza box and tore it to shreds relieving the tension
and frustration he felt about the Mounties's refusal to be baited. He
wandered back to his chair and picked up his TV remote and began flipping
through channels. He put the remote down when he found a program to his
liking. He glanced down at the table as he set the remote on it and saw a
piece of paper lying there. Picking it up, he realized it was a dry
cleaning ticket. He smiled and used the remote to turn off the TV. Here
was his perfect reason for following Fraser and having another try at the
man.   Ray grabbed his car keys and a light jacket and rushed from his
apartment bounding down the stairs two at a time with a satisfied smirk on
his face. Fraser was gonna be tackled in his own lair.	    "Look behind
you son." Robert Fraser said as he joined his son striding down the alley.
"I don't think those gents are out for an evening constitutional.   Fraser
kept his stride long and clipped as he began to listen behind him. He
could tell that there were perhaps two men tailing him. He searched the
alley in front of him for a good place to turn and face those following
him. He turned to face them suddenly and stopped in his tracks when he
realized there was a third man behind him. He turned his head and saw the
man's head in the shadows. He waited for one of them to make the first
move.   His would be attackers circled him drawing closer to him step by
step. Fraser turned slowly trying to keep note of each attackers location.
One man came too close and Fraser struck out with his leg in a wide
swiping swing. The man danced back into the shadows letting one of his
partners move in behind Fraser. One of the attackers leapt in behind
Fraser and pulled down on his jacket collar with the clear intent of
dragging Fraser off his feet. Fraser tried ducking forward when he felt
the pull on his jacket. He tried turning into the grasping hand reaching
to grab his arm and throw the man over his shoulder. Before his hand
connected with his assailant's arm, another of the assailant's tackled him
with a strong hold around his waist. The two men went down heavily. Before
they hit the ground, the other two men fell on Fraser too. He twisted and
turned and tried pull free.   "Hang on son." Robert Fraser yelled. "Hang
on!"     Ray drove his GTO along the direct route he knew Fraser usually
took from his apartment to the Consulate. The smile dropped from his face
when he realized he should have neared the walking figure of Fraser
several blocks ago. He circled a block and turned back in the other
direction. Drat the man, he was in those alleys again.	  Robert Fraser
sat in the GTO next to Ray Kowalski and smiled. "You're a smart one. But
you better hurry, the boy's got himself in trouble again." He leaned a
hand on the dash and thrust his head forward as if pulling the car along
with him.     One of his attackers repeatedly hit Fraser in the stomach
while another tugged and pulled and immobilized Fraser with his own jacket
brought down around his arms. He tried kicking out, but the third man
managed to elude his swinging feet. The man holding his jacket thrust a
hand around Fraser's neck and squeezed cutting of his air intake.  
"Mancioni's friends say 'Hi'", the man whispered into Fraser's ear as he
watched the Mountie trying to breath. The man motioned to his cohorts.
"Now."   One man pulled on Fraser's belt and undid it and undid the jeans
fastening. The other man began unbuttoning Fraser's shirt. "Mancioni
showed us the tape. You know the one. Don't you?" he laughed and continued
unbuttoning the flannel shirt. "This make you nervous?" He ran a hand over
the pale skin being exposed in the dim alley light. He let his hand trail
slowly over Fraser's chest until he could actually feel Fraser's
bellybutton. He could feel the skin beneath his hand shrinking away from
him and he smiled.    The man on Fraser's legs was attempting to get
Fraser's jeans down to his knees when Ray Kowalski's shadow crept towards
the darkened side of the alley. The three men holding on to Fraser were
literally on top of him, preventing him from moving against them. Ray
waded in and grabbed the collar of the man choking Fraser to control him.
He wrenched the man back on his heels and slammed a foot into the man. He
whirled around and locking his fists together swung at the man with his
hands in Fraser's shirt. The blow connected and the man fell off of Fraser
and looked up into the shadows. The third man didn't wait to be attacked
but rose and took off in a blind run down the alley. His accomplices
followed him at breakneck speed. They were gone almost before Ray was on
his knees beside a gasping Fraser.   Ray held the shaking form to him.
"It's OK. They're gone." Ray hitched Fraser's jacket back up to his
shoulders and pulled the shirtfront closed. "I think we need to get you to
a hospital."   Fraser grabbed at Ray frantically, "No, no hospital. I'm
alright." The  Whispered voice was fiercely controlled. "Promise, no
hospital."   Ray searched Ben's shadowed face. "Then you are coming back
to my place and you're gonna talk. You got that Fraser, you're gonna talk.
I knew one of those creeps and this was not a Sunday joy ride. So you
gonna talk at my place or do I haul you to a hospital?"   "Your place."
Ben gasped as he tried to regulate his breathing. "No hospital."   "OK.
Let's get you into my car."   "That's right Yank. Make him tow the line.
The only way you'll get anything out of him is to drag it out of him. I
know. Took hours to get that boy to tell the truth about that boomerang.
Hours." Robert Fraser watched his son's form disappear towards the GTO
supported by the smaller man. "Talk to him son. Maybe he can help. But
talk." And as he finished the last words, Robert Fraser disappeared into
the shadows.       I kept my eyes closed the entire trip to the apartment.
Ray wouldn't let me negotiate the stairs by self. He hauled me into the
elevator and stood with his arm around my trembling form the entire time
the elevator rose to his floor. I can't believe I am back sitting in the
same spot in which I sat less than an hour ago. I wish I could vanish into
thin air, but that would accomplish nothing. The pain in my ribs is
nothing to the pain of the humiliation I feel at the position in which Ray
found me. I can still feel his hands rearranging my clothing because I was
too winded from being choked to cover myself decently. He is always
warning me to stay out of dark places. Ray Vecchio warned me of this too.
But I have a feeling that these men would have found me regardless of my
location. I can only be glad I was alone when the attack began and neither
Ray nor Francesca was there to be hurt or used against me. I have no idea
how far these men would have gone, but I have an idea Ray would have been
appalled had he found me rather later than he did. I can't let this happen
again. But I'm not sure I can talk about it either. I can hear Ray
preparing an ice bag in his kitchen and I know he is not going to let me
off easily.     Ray stalked back towards his living room area carrying
crushed ice in a towel. He walked up in front of Fraser and threw it in
his lap.    "That should help. Now talk. And I don't want any preva,
prevari..."   "Prevaricating."	  "Ya, that's the word, none of that. I
ask the questions, you answer. You know the drill."   "Yes, Ray. I do."  
"OK. Do you know the guys that attacked you?"   "No."   "Do you have an
idea why they attacked you?"   "Yes."   "OK. Let's start there. What's
your connection to one of Mancioni's boys? He's big time Fras. Big time.
What does he have to do with you?"   Silence filled the room. Fraser
closed his eyes and sat immobile letting the ice take some of his pain
away.   "This wasn't an elegant hit, Fraser. This was meant to get your
attention."   "Yes."   "This have something to do with that pile of melted
celluloid on your desk this afternoon? Or the fact that you ain't been
eating right for several weeks. And I'll bet you ain't been sleeping right
either."   Fraser continued his silence as he applied the ice to his ribs
with his jaw set in a stubborn line.   "Don't go sulking on me? You agreed
to answer my questions, didn't you?"   "Yes, Ray."   "So answer me."   "I
can handle this Ray."   "Oh ya, I can see how you're handling this. Your
hand is shaking so bad you can't hold that ice in place and your eyes have
sunken shadows under them. Talk Fras, now."   Fraser's silence echoed in
the room like a bomb going off. Ray almost wanted to hit Fraser himself.
He hated having to browbeat his friend. Ray wondered if Fraser knew just
how hard this was for him.   "You know how I would have felt if I had been
a few minutes later, Fraser? Do you? Or maybe, next time Franny or Meg or
I will have to identify your body in a hospital bed or in the morgue, is
that what you want?"   At the mention of Francesca's name, Fraser sat bolt
upright but still uttered not a word. Fraser's beautiful hands clasped
together as he sat silent, his lips held in a tight line.    "You promised
to talk Fraser. Spill it now or I lift that phone and get the EMT's to
take you away. You listening Fraser?"   "For the first time in my life,
I'm scared Ray."   "Yea, I can see that. But I can't help you if you won't
spill the beans here Fraser. I need you to open up that mouth and talk to
me. Can you do that?"     I sit here listening to Ray and feel my whole
body quaking. The shame I feel at what almost happened to me blocks my
throat so that I can hardly breath. Ray has noted the shadows under my
eyes. I am finding it increasingly difficult to sit here and say nothing.
The secret I hold inside me threatens to take over my entire being, but
still I find it difficult to share it. After all the secret belongs to the
real 'Ray Vecchio' as much as to myself. Would that 'Ray' forgive me the
telling of our sad tale? Would he forgive me for breaking his trust? And
if that trust is broken, how will it affect Francesca and this 'Ray'?" My
ribs hurt and I can hardly keep my eyes open. But Ray is waiting and I
wish I could answer him easily.    Ray finally stood up over the Mountie
and gave an exasperated sigh. He went over to his bedroom door and
disappeared for moment and returned with a pillow and a blanket.    "I'm
your friend Fras. Remember that, OK?" Ray laid the pillow down on the sofa
and knelt in front of the Mountie. He began unlacing the heavy, ankle high
boots and removed them quickly before Fraser even realized what was
happening. Ray stood up and leaned over the Mountie and gently removed
Fraser's jacket, keeping up a monologue of soft words. He pushed the
Mountie down and lifted his feet up onto the sofa and put a sofa pillow
under the stockinged feet. He kept a close eye on Fraser's closed eyes as
he covered the Mountie with a blanket.	  "You rest. I can see you're worn
out. But you're gonna have to talk to me in the morning or we'll be seeing
both our bosses before noon. You hear me on that Ben? Tomorrow mornings
your last chance to keep this thing private. Understand?"   I keep my eyes
closed as Ray keeps talking. It's all I can do to keep my breathing steady
as he touches me. I can feel myself panicking and want to scream out for
him to get away. He moves away and leaves me here alone in the dark of his
living room before my panic can overtake me. I would love to leave, but
he's taken my boots into his room with him. I am alone in this room with
my thoughts and memories. I am so alone as the dark room envelopes me and
I drift off into what I know will be a dream filled sleep. I fight it, but
I know I am losing and sleep will soon overtake me.       Ray turned out
the lights and stood by his bedroom door intending to crash in his own
bed. His frustration was so strong that it seemed almost like a tangible
item that he could pick up and throw at will. He was about to cross the
threshold towards his nice soft bed when he heard sounds coming from the
sofa. His attention caught by Fraser's mumblings, Ray dropped his head and
sighed then made his way to his favorite easy chair. He sat there awake
for most of the night listening to Fraser's mumblings. Ray was able to
hear bits and pieces of Fraser's ramblings but nothing that made sense.
Towards dawn things became much clearer. Ray was finally drifting off to
sleep when Fraser started a mumbling stream of words at almost screaming
volume.     "Please, Ray I can't do this. I can't" Ray heard the words and
sat upright in his chair and thought about waking the Mountie.   "Can't
see. -Oh God. That's Ray at the door. Oh God."     Ray kept listening and
moved towards the edge of his chair but made no further movement towards
Fraser.   "Cuff hurts. Heels again. I can't even see this outfit I have to
wear. No more pills. Please no more. Ray, I'm sorry Ray. Forgive me Ray.
Promise Ray. I promise. - I can't see you Ray. Cold in here. Pantyhose
pinch Ray. Protect Franny. I promise Ray. I want to stay Ray. Please, no.
That hurts. Ray, do we have to do this? Ray, please stop. RAY! Oh God!
Make the pain stop. Ray! Ray, promise you'll come back. Please Ray, I
can't do this. You have to come back."   Stanley Raymond Kowalski knew he
was hearing bits and pieces of what Fraser was hiding from him. The words
he was hearing didn't make sense. Ray was surprised most by the fact that
all the Mounties's ramblings seemed to be about Ray Vecchio and not about
what almost happened in that dark alley. Ray sat back quietly to wait.    
I can feel the horror of my nightmare holding me tight in it's grip. It is
the same jumble of memories I have dealt with since I left Ray in that
place. My throat is as tight as it is every morning, which tells me that I
have once again been screaming my sleep. At the Consulate there is no one
to hear my loud mutterings. Unfortunately, I am not there in my own cot,
but lying on Ray Kowalski's sofa in his apartment. I listen carefully
before I open my eyes. He is nearby. I open my eyes to find him staring at
me with eyes that tell me he is close to figuring out my puzzling
behavior. Regretting the movement, I move to sit up and find his eyes
riveted on me. At last, I know there is no escape.    "Go take a shower
Fraser. I'll make us some breakfast. We'll eat and you'll talk. I'll
listen. Whatever it is, I can help. OK?"   "Ray, I"   "I said go shower
Fraser. No more games, no more hiding. Just go.  Breakfast will be ready
when you get back out here."   Ray watched the shoulders droop a bit
before settling into their normal ridged set. He heard the water running
in the bathroom as he opened his refrigerator.	  Fifteen minutes later
the two men sat at Ray Kowalski's table. Ray sipping his smartie laced
coffee and Fraser staring down at his plate laden with toast and eggs.    
I realize finally that I must confide in this new 'Ray'. He is like Dief
in pursuit of a jelly donut. And after last night, I realize I cannot hold
out against him. For myself, I think I'll lose my sanity if I don't
confide in him. He has heard my night terrors and I believe he will keep
at me until I disgorge all the ugly details. So I shall begin. I shall
tell him what I must. Perhaps, if he stands with me, I can fight this. My
greatest fear has been that something will happen to me and then who will
be left to protect Francesca and the Vecchio family. I trust this Ray
Vecchio no less than the original. Perhaps, together we can stave off harm
to the Vecchio family left behind. Perhaps, if he can help me, I can
finally get some rest. Perhaps, if I tell him the whole story he won't be
disgusted by what Ray did to save our lives. Perhaps. I see him staring at
me and know I must begin.   "It started several weeks ago when Inspector
Thatcher asked me to retrieve a package. A simple enough task in itself,
but it was the start of the worst 48 hours in my life. She sent me to see
a Mr. Tremmings; I doubt that is his name. I was to retrieve the package,
return it to the consulate and begin my free weekend off. They must have
known my solitary life style would mean no one would miss me. They served
me iced tea with some kind of drug in it. By the time I went up to meet
Mr. Tremmings who had presumably just returned to his room, I was already
too drugged to realize that something was wrong."   Ray Kowalski sat and
listened quietly, his stomach churning badly as he listened to the tale of
a kidnapping and a rape, for that is what it was despite the way Fraser
described it. But from Kowalski's point of view, two men were raped not
one. He didn't doubt in the least that Ray Vecchio had done what he must
under duress to save his friend and his family and ultimately himself. Ray
Kowalski listened and became proud of the two men he helped by pretending
to be 'Ray Vecchio'. He watched the gentle face in front of him as the
tears slid down the pale face and the hands griped the table edge. As he
listened, he knew that they would stand together. They would protect and
serve, that was the saying on the Chicago PD vehicles. They would survive
this together, as partners, as friends. He would help Fraser make sure Ray
Vecchio had a family to come home to and to a waiting friend named Fraser.
    Epilogue   I am stand here looking out my window waiting for the new
Ray Vecchio as the sun is setting. Soon it will be time for sleep, but I
don't fear sleep anymore. Sleep has ceased to hold its terrors out to me.
My new partner, the new 'Ray Vecchio', has bolstered me and buoyed me in
the past days and weeks since I divulged all that passed in Las Vegas
between the real Ray Vecchio and myself. He has found small ways to lend
me support when I feel the most lost. He is as careful as I in making sure
that no one suspects our private war. One of the men who attacked me that
night here in Chicago has turned up dead. Neither Ray nor I had a hand in
that death. I think of all the people he may have caused to suffer fear or
worse and for once in my life I can't be sorry about someone's death.     
Ray has established contact with some of his snitches and let it be known
that he is my friend and anyone attacking me takes Ray on as an enemy
also. He said that he was sure Mancioni's men got the message the night of
the attack when one of the men recognized him. I know there have been no
further attacks and Ray is quite sure no one is following me. So for now
we keep vigilant and wait. We wait for the real Ray Vecchio's return.     
Ray Kowalski pulled his GTO up to the curb in front of the Canadian
Consulate building. He glanced up at Fraser's window as he ran up to the
front door and let himself inside. He walked past Turnbull with a nod of
his head and stuck his head inside Fraser's door.    "Hey, you ready for
pizza. We leave now by the time we get there it will just be coming out of
the oven." Ray grinned.   "Give me a moment to grab my Stetson Ray."   The
two men left the consulate building, side-by-side, shoulder-to-shoulder.
In minutes they were on their way for another pineapple pizza.