The Horror... The Horror...	 

 THE HORROR ... THE HORROR 

(Standard, all-purpose disclaimer) All pre-existing characters are the
property of the creators and producers of "Due South." No copyright
infringement is intended. All new characters and situations are the sole
property and responsibility of the author. 

There are no ratings necessary this time. This story contains absolutely
no slash content. None whatsoever. That's the farthest thing from my mind.
Really. ... and I promise that this will by my last story on this subject.
But why should I let Buffy have all the fun? :) 

 THE HORROR ... THE HORROR 

by Katrina Bowen. 

"You know, Ray, I have to say -- and I don't usually use this kind of
language, but it's called for in this case -- I think Inspector Thatcher
has very nice hooters." 

"Oh, I agree, Benny. So do my ex-wife and Louise. In fact, I can't pass a
woman without looking at her breasts. I guess it's because I'm straight." 

"True, Ray, very true." Ben paused, and went on thoughtfully. "It's
certainly nice that we're both strictly heterosexual, isn't it?" 

Ray nodded decisively. "Yep. Not that I have anything against
homosexuality, you understand --" 

"Oh, no. Neither do I," Ben put in. "I have no objections whatsoever. But
I simply don't see you and I being together that way. I mean, you *are* my
best friend, and we spend every waking moment together for no apparent
reason, but I've never once thought of you in a romantic sense." 

"Of course not. That would be indecent," Ray said. "Well, that was a good
talk. I guess we can get out the closet now, huh?" He stood up and brushed
off his jacket. 

Ben put his hat back on. "Of course, Ray. I do enjoy these little talks of
ours, and this closet is so convenient for the purpose." He opened the
door, and the two friends went out into the hall. 

A collective gasp of horror arose from the waiting crowd. Elaine fell into
a dead faint and Hugo eased her to the floor, fanning her forehead with a
sandwich wrapper. Huey gestured triumpantly towards Ben and Ray. "See?
See? I *told* you they were going to come out of the closet!" He looked at
Ray in disgust. "Louis was always right about you, wasn't he? I'm glad he
didn't live to see this." 

Lieutenant Welsh took a step forward and looked at the two sternly. "I'm
shocked, appalled, and horrified by this kind of behavior. Vecchio, I know
that I have no legal way to get you off the force for simply being gay,
but I strongly advise you to resign. You'll never be accepted -- not that
I, personally, have anything against homosexuals." 

Ray looked at him in horror. "What are you talking about? We're not gay,
either of us!" 

"Then why did you come out of the closet?" Welsh asked with his usual
impeccable logic. 

"Because we were *in* the closet, Leftenant," Ben stammered. 

"Not anymore, you're not, Constable," Thatcher said as she pushed her way
through the crowd. Near tears, she said, "How *could* you? Toying with my
affections, making me think you were something you weren't, just as a
cover for your relationship with a man. With an *American* man," she added
in disdain. "Why, I don't think Constable Turnbull will ever recover from
the shock. You've completely destroyed his will to live." 

Without so much as a bark of farewell, Diefenbaker looked at Ben
disdainfully and went to find a Mountie whose sexuality was not in
question. 

"Raimondo, how could you?" Mrs. Vecchio appeared out of nowhere. Sobbing,
she said, "You've just broken my heart." She fell dead of a massive
coronary. 

Frannie, also appearing out of nowhere, threw herself over her mother's
body. Looking at Ray, she said, "Well, I just hope you're satisfied."
Turning to Ben, she spat, "I was such a fool, throwing myself at you all
this time when you were really in love with my brother. 

Ben and Ray looked at one another; as one, they both collapsed into
gibbering, shattered heaps, making sure that they did not touch in any
way. 

********************************************************************* 

The rest of the story is too sad to relate. Both Ben and Ray had to be
institutionalized as a result of the trauma of people thinking they were
lovers, when the truth was that neither had ever in any way considered
such a thing. When they released, they agreed (through messages relayed by
one of the institution's doctors) that they couldn't take the risk of ever
being seen together. 

Ben went back to Canada to become a hermit. Unfortunately, even in the far
frozen wastes, his shameful secret soon became known, and he was
constantly forced to move further and further north. He was last sighted
somewhere in southern Siberia. 

Unable to bear the guilt of knowing he was responsible for the 

death of his mother, Ray joined a monastary and took a vow of silence.
Neither he nor Ben ever recovered from the horrible incident of the
closet. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katrina Bowen -- kbowen@willowtree.com 

I hate a dirty joke, I do,
unless it's told by someone who knows how to tell it.
--Groucho Marx, _Animal Crackers_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~