STRANGER THAN FICTION    

STRANGER THAN FICTION 

- Clara Duong 

 --------------------- 

The room was quiet as usual. Dief sat by the window staring outside
pensively and Fraser's strong, long fingers moved swiftly and silently
over the keyboard. The glow of the monitor lit up his intent face and from
time to time, the automatic save function made him pause as the drive
whirred and was silent. 

 The door burst open and Ray Vecchio came marching in unceremoniously.
Fraser glanced up inquiringly, his fingers automatically punching
Control-S to save the document. 

 "Good evening, Ray," Fraser said courteously, his cool voice faintly
curious.  

Ray was dressed in a most unusual fashion wearing a very tight lycra dress
with a plunging neckline, a huge Carmen Miranda-style fruit hat, fish-nets
and spike heels. 

Ray gnashed his teeth. 

"'DS/The Nanny' Crossover?" Fraser inquired knowledgably and Ray nodded
his head. His glare could have turned a basilisk to stone and he stomped
around the room vengefully. 

"I have rights, damnit. Rights." 

"Ray, it's all in the spirit of fun," Fraser pointed out and Ray spun on
one spiked heel and glowered some more. Then he stared at Dief who
whimpered plaintively. 

"What the hell happened to Dief?" he demanded in horror. Dief's front left
paw was bandaged in a snowy white bandage. 

"'Flipper/DS' crossover that went wrong," Fraser explained. "Dief got
attacked by a shark while he was helping to round up the evil men who were
attempting to assassinate the visiting dignitary from the Hague." 

Ray shuddered and stared at Fraser who was now dressed in flares, tight
vest and afro. 

"Ewww - are you revisiting your 'Tales from the City' jaunt?" he demanded.


Fraser looked down and thought for a moment. "No, I think this is the
'DS/Brady Bunch' cross-over. I'm Marcia's latest love interest." 

He looked at Ray meditatively. The tall Chicago cop was now wearing pale
make-up, and had cropped hair like a victim of a concentration camp. His
eyes were sunken in and his face was solemn. "Let me guess," he said with
the air of someone feeling challenged, and Ray scowled, 

"I'll save you the trouble. This is the 'DS/American Gothic' cross-over.
This is the episode where Caleb has a nightmare and dreams he's me and
then they find yours and Dief's bones in the sheriff's closet." 

"I don't think I've read that one," Fraser said with a frown crossing his
smooth brow.  

"Believe me, you're not missing much." 

"Is that the one where they find 'Thank you kindly' written across the
walls in blood?" Fraser demanded and Ray nodded moodily and Fraser's eyes
lit up with exultation at having solved the small mystery. 

He glanced down and saw that he was wearing a soberly tailored black
blazer and skirt as well as sensible pumps. His hands went to his hair
which had turned a reddish blonde. 

"I do believe.... ah yes, this is the latest 'DS/X-Files' Crossover where
Scully is transformed into me and we travel to an ice island in the Yukon
to locate the leather-bound diary left by some aliens who left on a three
hour cruise and marooned on an island." 

"Cut it out, or I'm going to have the theme from 'Gilligans Island' on my
brain for the rest of the day," Ray snarled. Fraser nodded,  

"Thanks for reminding me, Ray. I forgot it was a 'DS/X-Files/Gilligans
Island' crossover." 

"What is it with this sudden rash of fan fiction? It's sick Fraser! Sick!
Whatever happened to my personal autonomy?" 

Ray looked down and realised he was wearing a surgical gown and mask. "OK,
you tell me -- is this the 'ER' crossover or is it 'Chicago Hope?' 

"Close," Fraser said, thinking about it a moment. "I think it's the one
where your long lost sweetheart needs a heart transplant and you make
guest appearances on ER and then Chicago Hope..... and then at the end,
Trapper John MD is brought out of retirement to perform open heart
surgery." 

"I thought it was Marcus Welby MD?" Ray said, looking puzzled. 

"No no, Marcus Welby shows up in the 'Leave it to Beaver' crossover." 

Ray shook his head,"God, I remember now. That's the one where the guy from
Barnaby Jones tries to arrest you for cruelty to beavers....' 

Fraser looked pained,"It was an otter, Ray." 

"Yeah right." Ray nodded, frowning as his fingers went to his canines
which were lengthening inexorably. "Damnit, Fraser. *Another* 'Forever
Knight' cross-over." 

"Get out of the sunlight, Ray. You wouldn't want to crumble. Furthermore,
Dief's a little troubled by the Undead. Ever since that 'Zombie Prom'
crossover, he's been understandably anxious when in the presence of the
Undead." 

Ray shuffled over into a dark corner and sulked. "I don't understand it
one bit, Fraser. 'Due South' is such a wholesome show... it's so *good*
and humorous. Why do they feel the need to project all their sick,
twisted, dark fantasies onto us?" 

Fraser lifted an eyebrow. "Strong words, Ray." His hands smoothed over his
yellow feathers. 'Sesame Street' crossover, he thought absently.  

"For instance, all that latent homosexuality crap! We're both heterosexual
damnit. Why do they feel the need to go on and on about that? Couldn't
they find some other show which was more compatible with that kind of
stuff?" 

Fraser pressed control-save again and turned to face Ray, aware that he
had just sprouted overalls and held a hammer and saw in his hands. The
'Home improvement' crossovers were always good fun , he thought absently
before he spoke,"I guess it all depends on what you think the purpose of
fan fiction is, Ray. It's entertainment for the fans of a show."  

"The purpose should be to take the characters of a show and put them in
situations which faithfully convey the spirit of the show and the spirit
of the show in question." Ray said emphatically, finding he drooled a lot
more when he had fangs. "Damnit, how long is this 'DS/Forever Knight'
Crossover?" 

"It's quite long, over a meg, I think," Fraser said apologetically. "You
have a point, Ray, but the thing is, you wouldn't want the fan fiction to
be pale carbon copies of the show's script would you? What would be the
point in just rehashing what was already in existence?" 

"Come out McCloud!" Ray shouted and then pulled himself together. "Damnit,
the 'Highlander' crossovers are so insidious. Don't play Devil's Advocate
with me, Fraser. What is the point in watching a show like Due South and
then trying to twist it out of shape into something which it is NOT? If
you like Due South because of its well-written script, good acting and
lack of swear words - *why* would you want to warp it into something that
it's NOT?"  

"Are you all right Ray?" Fraser asked in concern. 

"No, I'm not. I've been impaled," Ray retorted from where he lay on the
floor with a stake through his heart.  

"Oh dear." Fraser said with quiet sympathy. 

"And another thing - why are the fans so bloodthirsty? Why are they always
so keen to kill off characters?" 

"I have no idea," Fraser mused, examining the dramatic bullethole in his
abdomen. "I agree that they do seem to have a lurid interest in putting us
in homo-erotic situations and speculating about our love-lives." 

"I keep telling you, we have *rights*." 

"Ray, we're not real." Fraser pointed out reasonably as he put on a great
deal of weight and lost all of his hair. 

"Is that the 'Jake and the Fatman' crossover or is it the 'Roseanne'
crossover?" Ray inquired, temporarily distracted from the stake through
his heart. 

"I'm not quite sure. If I got a bouffante hairdo, I'd know it was the
'Married with children' crossover, but I'm currently at a loss." Fraser
said. 

"What do you mean we're not real? We were created..... I've a good mind to
sue that Haggis guy. He's the one who brought us into this world. He's got
a duty to oversee our welfare and take care of us. It's directly analogous
to the rights of the unborn child!" 

"What I mean is, we are fictional characters, Ray. And if Paul, David and
Lincoln don't mind, why should we?" 

"Paul, David and Lincoln don't have to put up with Seinfeld Angst," Ray
groaned as he realised he was in the middle of a 'DS/Seinfeld' crossover."


"Actually Ray, in terms of Angst, you fit in very well," Fraser said
apologetically. 

"I don't care if I'm a fictional character. This is America, even people
who aren't real have rights here! I demand justice! My voice demands to be
heard." 

Fraser glanced over at his father and shrugged,"My father joins your
lament. Ever since some fan thought that he and Selma would be compatible
and did a 'Time Trax/DS' crossover, he hasn't had a moment of peace."
Fraser nodded again, "Yes dad, I know there's a world of difference
between a memory generated ghost and a technologically generated hologram
from the 21st century." 

"How come he's still being plagued by Selma? That piece of fiction was
written ages ago?" Ray inquired curiously from the corner where he had
morphed into an animated cartoon and was being pummelled by Ren & Stimpy. 

"The story was so popular, it became a serialised piece. There have been
thirty spin-offs so far." 

Ray shuddered again. "I see fan fiction as a place of great creativity and
fun, Ray." Fraser said thoughtfully. "Haven't there been times when you
wished a story hadn't ended? Or you foresaw a different ending to a story?
Or haven't there been times when you thought it would be fun to mix two of
your favourite shows together?" 

"I never tried to kill off my favourite characters," Ray grumbled in a
Cockney accent, adjusting his shabby golf hat as he did so. 

"'Coronation Street'?" Fraser demanded in astonishment. "I haven't read
that crossover yet! I must make sure I do,"he said and scribbled a note
for himself on a post-it. "By the way, you've got the wrong accent." he
said glancing up and Ray frowned. 

"Wot?????" 

"That's a cockney accent - Coronation Street is set in Lancashire in the
NE of England. Cockney is endemic to a small area of the east end of
London."  

Ray looked outraged,"Is it my bloody fault? Tell the blighter who wrote
the flippin' piece!" He fumed for a little longer before adding in a
different voice,"OK, I'll admit that I enjoyed the 'JAG' crossover where I
got to fly a tomcat. I wasn't crazy about you going around eating jungle
dirt, but hey it was worth it just to see Thatcher and Krennick beat each
other up to try to win both you *and* Harm." 

Fraser looked pained. "The violence was unnecessary." 

Dief started to run around in distressed circles.  

"What's wrong?" 

Fraser looked sympathetic. "It's those 'Lassie' crossovers. He really
hates them. The vibrations from 'Greensleeves' distress him to no end." 

"I don't blame the poor wolf. Don't you see my point now?" he demanded. 

Fraser had turned back to his typing and Ray demanded in exasperation.
"What on *earth* are you doing typing away so earnestly over there? Is it
the Great Canadian Novel?" 

Fraser hesitated. "Well actually..... all this fan fiction has inspired me
a little. I thought I'd attempt a little of my own...... Due South and The
Sound of Music......" he trailed off when Ray, now garbed in Robocop-esque
armour gave a howl of anguish and ran out of the room, missing the door
and running through the wall with a crash. The fleeing cop's body had left
a perfect silhouette in the wall behind him and Fraser frowned
judiciously, 

"There's an idea...... 'DS/Loony Tunes' crossover.......' 

Dief yelped and covered his eyes. 

--- 

cduong@envirolink.org 

Legal Workshop, 

Australian National University, Canberra 

--------------------- 

The End 

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