Holes In The Floor Of Heaven           Don't Run! It's only 3pages!
Don't know where this is going, or why it's going there, but I am a
believer in fate, and I'm bored as hell. At this point, I have no idea
what the plot is. I'll take a walk with Cody, and see where it leads me. I
swear to God, that dog is my muse [POST WALKING DOG] Oh, and you're
probably thinking "What the *hell* does 'holes in the floor of heaven'
mean?" It's from a Steve Wariner song. Now, I don't listen to country, try
Brit Pop and the like, but ClipTrip came on MuchMusic, and I changed the
channel, and came upon the song.One more thing. I don't know who wrote
that song, but I didn't and neither did you. More notes after the story.
But *don't* look at them until you're done, or the surprise will be
wrecked. TYK.
 Holes In The Floor Of Heaven™ Ashley Sametz, 1998
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
         Ray Kowalski rubbed his sore eyes. He paced aimlessly around his
apartment, and finally collapsed onto his bed. The only light was coming
from his stove light, dimly illuminating the apartment. He had been too
distraught to do much after the funeral. He didn't cry, there didn't seem
any point, but there was no mistaking his sadness. He wasn't speaking
much, and he overheard his unofficial partner mention to Lt. Welsh that he
had never seen him sit still so long. 
         He looked at his watch. It was 1:32 a.m. His body was tired, he
had been running purely on adrenaline the past few days, and he knew he
was going to crash. 
 
         Maybe I should call Benny...nah..he'd probably tell me about some
Inuit burial ritual anyway....forget it.
 
         Ray rolled over onto his stomach, and buried his head in his
arms. 
 
         ...I should have told her...why do I always do that? Not say
anything because I'm afraid of looking stupid...not that it hasn't
happened before, but...
 
         His body told him that he needed rest, but his mind was operating
on a totally different plane than his body. He knew he couldn't get to
sleep, despite how tired he was. Oh sure. He could get into bed, and shut
his eyes, but what good would that do? If he fell asleep, he would dream,
and go through the process of loosing her again.
         
         ...I can still smell her blood....Why did I have to be there? Why
did she have to die right there, in front of me....why couldn't I save
her? Why did I just watch? Why did I just hold her? Why didn't I say
anything to her...?
 
         He was suddenly over come with a feeling of nausea. He breathed
deeply for a moment, regaining control.
 
         He slowly sat up. He would keep asking himself the same
questions, and he needed something to occupy himself before he lost his
mind. He got out of bed, and turned on his radio, wondering what would be
played at 2 in the morning. 
 
         "..Ti amo, Ti amo.."
 
         The moment the first bars were sung, Ray could feel his heart
collapse.
 
         "Shut up!" he cried to the radio. "Not now!" He did not want to
hear that song right now. His vision was blurred by the tears, and he
moved the dial blindly. HE came upon a slow song he had never heard in his
life. He walked to his couch, and fell into it, his body convulsing with
each sob. His head hurt, his eyes hurt....his heart hurt. He couldn't stop
crying.
         He lay like that for what seemed like forever. He finally sat up,
and cupped his head in his hands. He let out a shaky breath, and shut his
eyes tightly. He got up a moment later, and wandered again. He wanted to
talk to someone, tell someone how much he had loved her. Without realising
it, he had opened a drawer, holding an assortment of junk. He peered into
it.
 
         "Hey, batteries..." he mused. He forced a smile, and wiped his
eyes. He continued pawing through the drawer. Not being aware of it, he
had pulled out paper, and a pencil. He began to write.
 
         
                      July 6th, 1998   
         'I don't know where this letter is going, but there's no one
around to talk to, and if I write something I don't like, I can erase it,
unlike speaking. And I need to get this out.
         I want to start of with I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you these
things, but I never knew how. I guess now that you're gone, it doesn't
matter, but I needed to tell someone. I loved you. I mean really loved
you. Did you know that? Did you know I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with you? Maybe a few kids...
         If I wasn't pretending to be your brother...this would have been
a hell of a lot easier on me. Did you love me like I was your brother? Did
you love me at all, or was I just some annoying guy that made dumb remarks
to you? You know, the old cliché is true: If a guy likes you, he bugs you
all the time. You're the only other person besides Stella I've ever
bugged, you know that Franny?
         There are so many things I wish I could have done with you Fran.
I wished we could have danced, and laughed together. I wish we could have
gone out, and acted like lovers, not siblings. I wish that I could hold
you when you were frightened, or worried, or when you just needed holding.
         Franny, I don't know if I believe in heaven, but if it exists I'm
sure you're there. And I hope you know what I'm writing. I always seem too
late. Too late to tell someone something...to late to help you. When you
were shot Franny, I wanted to help...but I..I don't know why I didn't.
Maybe I was scared, maybe I was in shock, maybe because I was too upset to
do anything. Do you know what I was thinking when you were laying there? I
was thinking that I had failed you. You never talked about your brother
much, your real brother, but I'm sure he did a hell of a better job
protecting you. I messed up Francesca, and I'm going to have to live with
it for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry Franny. I do wish it was me who
had been hit, and not you. You didn't deserve it. 
         I don't know if I'll ever show anyone this letter....I don't know
what I'm gonna do with it when it's done. Maybe I'll give it to your
brother when he comes back. Do you think he'll be angry at me for not
taking care of you like I should have? Do you think he'll forgive me? I
wouldn't.
         I'm sorry Franny. 
         I'll never forget you.
         I miss you.
         I love you.'
 
                  Stanley Raymond Kowalski   
 
 
         He lay back down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He could
faintly hear the radio in the other room. He listened to the song drifting
through his apartment.
 
         "...'Cause there are holes in the floor of heaven...and her tears
are pouring down.... that's how I know she's watching, wishing she could
be here now. And sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see, 'cause
there are holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and
me...."
 
         Ray rolled over onto his side, and looked out the window.
 
         A light rain began to fall.
 
         Ray smiled. "Love you Franny."
 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
         Authors Notes
 
         Ha! I bet you thought it was Stella, didn't you? Well, up until
the point where Ray made the mentions about the brother/sister thing. TYK
to my brother, who may be an ass in a golf shirt, but he knows all the
words to almost every country 'sawng' out there(and he listens to hip-hop.
Go figure). Also, to Katie Schrank, who I dump *all* my ideas on. Even
though she doesn't appreciate the finer points of DS, but she finds Callum
attractive, so I let her live.
         This story is dedicated to: Everyone who has lost someone, and
regrets not telling them something. But it's mostly for my friend Ivana
Ricci, who lost her cousin last year and seems to trust me to listen. I
always will Vaughn, don't worry.
                                       -A. Sametz-   
 
 
         
 
 
 Return to Due South Fiction Archive