Admitting Love  

 m/m situation and sex, rated R. 

 Disclaimer: We all know I didn't create these characters. But they keep
jumping into my head and making me write stuff! No point in suing me, the
rand/dollar exchange rate is terrible. 

 Comments (more like nagging - you know who you are! :) are always
welcome. 

 ADMITTING LOVE 

 By T'Mar. 

 Ray Vecchio was at Fraser's apartment for the fourth night in a row.
"Benny, I can't do this," he was saying for the third time that night, and
the 17th time in a week. "I just can't." 

 Fraser sat down at the table and passed his friend some coffee. "You say
that every night, Ray." 

 "Well, it's true every night! Welsh should have gotten somebody else for
this job, Benny. I can't do it." 

 For some people it might have seemed like a simple undercover assignment.
Two guys had been hit in a drive-by shooting outside a gay bar. As luck
would have it, one of them had been Canadian. So Ray had gotten the case
because then Fraser could work with him in a semi-official capacity. Ray
had been of the opinion that the drive-by shooting had been exactly that,
just coincidence. But Welsh and a couple of human rights crusaders had
felt differently. They wanted someone on the inside, someone who didn't
work down there, someone who wasn't known in the gay community as being a
cop, as most gay cops were. 

 So Ray had gotten the assignment. And he hated it. He hated going down
there every night to that bar and others. He hated walking along those
streets. And most of all he hated the fact that Fraser *didn't* seem to
hate it. 

 At certain times when some guy would come up and, well, come on to him or
Fraser, they were forced to act like they were together. Ray hated that,
too. Fraser just seemed to accept people as they were - he now knew many
patrons by name, greeted people on the street, was basically just himself,
as usual. Why couldn't Fraser be as uncomfortable with this as he was? It
just wasn't natural that Fraser should take this so easily! 

 "I can't do it," Ray said for the fifth time. 

 "Ray, of course you can. You *are* doing it. I think we're doing very
well, actually. No one suspects we're cops. If there is someone out there
with a grudge against gay people, we'll find him." 

 "Yeh, maybe it was someone with a grudge against Canadians," Ray quipped.


 Fraser considered. "Anything's possible, Ray." But his tone indicated
that he thought Ray's statement highly improbable. 

 "I hate this," said Ray. 

 "I know, Ray," said Fraser. 

 "I want to go *home*!" Ray said, viciously. "I hate your apartment." 

 "I know, Ray." 

 "Will you stop being so... so sympathetic, Benny? I can't take it
anymore! Do you know how uncomfortable your bed is? Would it kill Welsh to
let me sleep in my own bed?" 

 "Ray..." Fraser knew Ray was frustrated at having to do be undercover
twenty-four hours a day, and still have nothing to show for it. But
everything he could say, Ray had heard before. 

 "I know, Fraser! I know, okay? Don't blow the cover. I get it. What I
don't get is how you can sleep on that camping bedroll thing every night."


 "I've slept on ice-floes before, Ray. Compared to that, my bedroll is
quite comfortable." 

 "Well, I haven't!" Ray almost yelled. "I wanna be at home in my own bed
with all my pillows and duvet and comforter and luxury, all right?!" 

 "Would you like to try my bedroll instead? I assure you it's as
comfortable as the bed." 

 "No, Benny. I just wanna finish this case and get the hell out of that
neighbourhood." 

 Now Fraser looked at him, quite serious. "Ray, why does it make you so
uncomfortable?" 

 And Ray, who'd been about to embark on another tirade, stopped and
thought about it. "Geez, Benny. I don't know. I guess I don't like the
idea of guys coming up and... saying those things to me. And I don't
like... having to touch you... you know, that way, when they're around." 

 "Ray... it's necessary. Like that time I was at the Catholic school and
we danced. It was necessary." 

 "I guess we can be grateful these bars don't have disco, huh?" Ray said,
smiling then. 

 "Yes." Fraser didn't smile, not quite, but his eyes were amused. Ray
wasn't surprised that so many guys tried to hit on Benny in those
places... 

 Whoa! Where had *that* thought come from? Ray looked back at his friend.
Benny got hit on an awful lot compared to Ray himself, and Ray realised
now that he'd never been surprised. But women chased Benny all the time...
Ray shrugged the thought off. "I'm gonna watch TV." He'd gotten his sister
to bring the TV over one night when they were out. And yes, the Chicago PD
had paid to have a new lock put on Fraser's door. It made Ray feel a bit
safer - not much, but a bit. 

 Ray had no sooner gotten stuck into an episode of some show about a guy
born under a lucky sign or something - he kept missing parts - when there
was a knock at the door. Fraser, who'd been reading at the table, went to
answer it. 

 It was one of the guys who worked at the bar. "Can I talk to you guys?" 

 "Of course. Come in." 

 Ray sighed and turned off the TV. He was never going to find out why
those things happened to that guy. 

 They sat at the table. "So, what's up?" asked Ray, getting a look of
admonishment from Fraser. 

 The guy - Michael, his name was - said, "I'm trying to warn everybody who
goes... well, you know. I followed you here a couple of times. There's
someone after us." 

 "The bar patrons?" asked Fraser. 

 "Yeah. You only started coming there after it happened, but some friends
of mine were killed." 

 "We heard it was just a coincidence," said Ray. Fraser wouldn't like him
saying that, but he still thought it had been a coincidence. 

 The guy shook his head. "There were... threats." 

 "Threats? Why didn't you t... er, call the cops?" 

 "And say what? We've gotten more threats than usual?" 

 "You get a lot of threats, then?" asked Fraser. 

 Michael looked at him oddly. "It's a gay bar. We get threats every night.
But lately... it's the same voice, warning us to close down or the same
thing will happen. He gave us ten days to close. It's been seven since the
shooting. I know that if we don't close, it'll happen again." 

 "Have you thought of closing?" Ray asked bluntly. 

 "We can't. We can't let intimidation get to us. We have to stay open." 

 "Okay, so call the cops." 

 "They were there after the shooting. They don't care." 

 Ray wished he could say that the cops *did* care, that they *were* doing
something. But Fraser shook his head, and Ray trusted Benny's instincts. 

 "So you just wanted to warn us, is that it?" 

 "Yeah. Be careful." 

 "Thank you kindly," said Fraser, showing the guy out. When he came back
in, Ray was flipping channels on the TV. "Great! It's over! I'm never
gonna see what happens!" 

 "Ray..." Fraser sat next to him on the bed. "Why don't they trust the
police?" 

 "Experience, Benny." 

 "Experience?" 

 "Yeah. Things are a little better now in some places, but in others
discrimination is rife. Same reason that in the seedier neighbourhoods
nobody ever sees anything. They don't trust us, Benny. They never will." 

 "Well, that's a sad thing. The best we can do is solve the case for them,
then." 

 "Yeah. And tomorrow we at least have more information for the
lieutenant." 

 "Would you like to watch more TV, Ray?" 

 "Nah. I've had it. I'm going to sleep." 

 "Me too." Fraser got up, opened his bedroll, and went to change into his
red pyjamas. But then he called from the bathroom, where he had left them,
"Ray? Have you seen my nightclothes?" 

 "Recently?" 

 "I left them in here!" Fraser said. 

 And then Ray had to stifle a laugh. He'd bet good money his sister had
gotten hold of them and was having them patched and washed or something.
"Ah, Fraser, you realise my sister's been in here. She probably decided to
wash them for you or something." 

 Fraser's voice sounded plaintive. "But I don't have anything else to
wear!" In the Territories it was cold, and warm pyjamas were essential,
but Fraser only had his one favourite pair. Ray supposed he'd better not
suggest just boxer shorts... somehow that would infringe on Benny's
dignity. 

 "Don't panic, Benny, you can borrow mine. Lucky I like pyjamas that are a
size or two too big for me." He rummaged around in his suitcase and took
out a pair of flannel pyjamas with cars on them. Opening the bathroom
door, he handed them to Fraser. "Here." 

 Fraser lifted an eyebrow. "Cars, Ray?" 

 "Hey, they look like the Riv! Don't you be insulting my choice of
sleepwear!" 

 "No, Ray." 

 A minute or two, and then Fraser came out of the bathroom. Ray looked at
him, thinking Fraser was lucky he hadn't been wearing those when that guy
from the bar had been here; he would have been cleaning drool off the
floor... And with that thought Ray realised he was staring. At Benny. No!
What the hell was going on with him? Being around gay people all day, that
must be it, he thought. They noticed Benny so much that now he was doing
it... 

 Fraser had stopped in front of him. "Ray?" 

 "Huh?!" Ray looked up. He was still only wearing his boxer shorts; the
pyjamas he intended to wear were lying on the bed. 

 "Ray, are you all right? You've been... staring." Fraser didn't say, "At
me," but Ray knew very well what he meant. 

 "Sorry, Benny. I was just thinking about the case." 

 "So was I." 

 Ray got up and put the pjs on. Normally he didn't wear the top part, but
somehow, *not* wearing it would make him uncomfortable. "And?" 

 "One school of thought says that people dislike homosexuality in others
because it reminds them of urges they'd rather not have." 

 Ray tried to connect this to the case. "Yeah, so?" He didn't want to
think of what *else* it could mean, not now. 

 "So, perhaps the people who did this are closer to the victims than we
thought." 

 "They can't be patrons themselves, Fraser. Even you couldn't get that
idea from talking with Mike our friendly bartender earlier." 

 "I didn't, Ray. But it might be worth investigating." 

 "I agree." Ray turned down Fraser's bed. "Can we get some sleep now?" 

 "I think that's a very good idea." Fraser lay on his bedroll, pulling a
blanket over himself. 

 Ray got into Benny's bed, and turned out the light. But he didn't go to
sleep for a long time. He kept thinking of what Fraser had said: some
people hated others because they were scared of something in them,
something that reminded them of things in themselves. And Ray hated going
to that bar, talking to those people, pretending... Was that why he hated
it? Just because it wasn't him? Or was he trying to deny that it *was*
him, or partly him, anyway? Why had he been looking at Benny that way? To
see how his pjs looked on his friend? Wearing those pjs, wearing his red
ones, wearing hospital gear, jeans, his uniform... Benny always looked
perfect. And in the Riv-decorated pjs, Benny had looked almost... edible. 

 'Oh, G-d.' Ray mouthed it softly to himself. It was true. He was actually
attracted to his best friend! He debated what to do about it for hours,
but finally he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. He slept, and dreamt
of Benny... 

 ... They were together somewhere... those damn woods they'd crashed in
that time. Except this time they weren't being chased by an escaped felon,
and there was nothing wrong with Benny's vision. They were sitting around
the campfire they'd made. Ray was just staring at Benny, just hoping he
was okay in that dream state where some things are as in life, and some
aren't. 

 And then Benny got up and walked around the campfire, kneeling down in
front of him. "Ray?" 

 The dream Ray could hardly speak. "Y... yeah, Benny?" 

 "I can see it in your eyes," the dream Fraser said. "You want me." 

 "Er..." was all even his dream self could get out. 

 "You love me," insisted the dream Benny. 

 And his dream self replied, "Yeah, Benny. I love you." The dream Benny
kissed him then, and in between kisses they repeated the litany: "I love
you, I love you..." ... 

 Ray sat bolt upright in the bed, breathing hard, the dream as vivid as
anything in life. He ran a hand over his face, lying down again. "Oh,
boy," he said softly to himself. 

 And a voice from the floor asked, "Ray? Are you all right?" 

 "Sorry, Benny. Did I wake you? I'm fine. Just had a nightmare." 

 "Actually, you did wake me, but it doesn't matter. Are you sure you're
okay? You were thrashing around... mumbling things." 

 Oh G-d. "What kinda things?" 

 "You kept saying, 'I love you'. Were you dreaming about Irene?" Fraser
asked that even though he knew it wasn't true. Ray had been saying it in a
strange, strained tone of voice. 

 Irene? For a minute Ray wondered how the conversation had gotten onto his
former sweetheart. But he couldn't very well, tell Fraser what his dream
had really been about, could he? "Yeah, Irene. That's it." 

 Fraser for once didn't know what to say, so he kept quiet. Dief came next
to the bed and lay down in between his bedroll and the bed itself. It
seemed to Fraser that he was trying to protect Ray, or comfort Ray, or
something, because he lay looking up at him. "Go to sleep, Diefenbaker,"
Fraser said. 

 "Good idea," his friend agreed. "I could do with some sleep right now."
Ray snuggled under the blanket and tried to get as comfortable as
possible. But he had to know... "Benny?" 

 "Yes, Ray?" 

 "Is that all I said?" 

 "Yes, Ray." 

 "Oh. Well, goodnight, then." 

 "Goodnight, Ray." 

 Fraser lay on his bedroll, thinking. He hadn't been entirely truthful
with Ray when he had asked what he'd said. He knew the truth would
embarrass his friend... for Ray had clearly said, "Benny, I love you,"
quite a few times. But it had been only a dream, and clearly Ray didn't
feel that way about him... he might love him, but not in a romantic sense.


 Fraser wished it could be otherwise. He had always loved Ray... not in a
romantic sense, either, at first, but lately... He had started to see Ray
in a new light. This night, whenever Ray had touched him, it had taken all
his self-control not to just grab him and kiss his breath away. But unlike
Ray, Fraser didn't try to rationalise it away. If he loved him, then so be
it. He loved him. But he wouldn't do anything or say anything to
jeopardise their friendship. 

 "So, have we got cause for a wiretap?" Ray asked Lieutenant Welsh the
next day. 

 "Yeah, I think so." 

 "Good, because all I wanna do is catch these guys and get the hell out of
there!" 

 "I know, I know," Welsh commiserated. "Look, since the guy came forward
voluntarily and told you about the threatening calls, it should work out
fine." 

 "There are only two days until their deadline, Lieutenant," Fraser put
in. "What guarantee do we have that our suspects will call before then?" 

 "Well, none, Constable. Why don't you go back to the bar and find out how
often these calls have been coming? Give you something to work with." 

 "Yes, Sir." 

 Welsh watched the pair leave his office, and he wondered - not for the
first time - what the bar patrons thought of them. Somehow, they made a
lovely couple... Welsh shook himself out of *that* thought. Vecchio would
probably faint if anyone said that to him! 

 It was nighttime, and Fraser was drinking soda water at the bar while Ray
questioned Michael in the office. They had agreed to come clean about who
they were, so that at least they'd have cooperation from somebody on the
scene. 

 Fraser had been asked to dance... what, four times?... in the last ten
minutes. Each time he politely declined, but he was starting to wish that
Ray would come back. With Ray there, nobody propositioned him. 

 "Hey, Benny." 

 "Ray. What did you find out?" 

 "Turns out our guy is pretty predictable. Calls every night just before
closing time, same threats. They get other threats, too, but this guy has
a pattern. Lucky for us, Mike wrote down the time of each call, and what
was said. I have it in my jacket. He's marked the threats made by the same
guy." 

 Fraser lifted an eyebrow. "It's nice of him to do some of our work for
us." 

 "I told ya, Benny, they don't trust the cops. They keep their own
records." 

 Just then Michael came out of the office and took over bartending. He
looked at Fraser, then at Ray, then at Fraser again. "So, is it true?" 

 "What?" 

 "That you're cops?" He said it softly so that no one could overhear. 

 "Yes," began Fraser. "Actually, I prefer Mountie. That's short for Royal
Canadian..." 

 "Mounted Police," finished Ray. "Yeah, yeah. He got assigned because one
of the guys killed was Canadian." 

 Michael nodded. "Yeah. Let me ask you something... are all you Canadians
so damn polite?" 

 Fraser just looked nonplussed. "Yeah," Ray said. "Annoying, isn't it?" 

 "And you're not...?" Michael asked, indicating the two of them. 

 "NO!" they said together. 

 This got a smile. "Because, you know, you make a great couple." 

 Ray was about to say... well, *something*... when Fraser spoke. "Thank
you kindly." 

 Ray just stared. He'd have a lot to say to Benny when they got home that
night... Home. When they got to Benny's place that night. Ah, geez. He was
doing it again, thinking of Benny in exactly the way he'd just denied.
Please, oh please let the suspect call tonight so they could trace it and
get the hell away from here before he did something he'd regret. 

 "How long until the guy calls?" Ray asked. 

 "He usually calls around midnight. We close just after." 

 Two more hours to wait. And they couldn't just sit at the bar the entire
time. "Benny, let's take a walk round the block, look for anything
suspicious, okay?" 

 "Good idea, Ray." He spoke to Mike. "We'll be back in about ten minutes."
The walk around the block was rather... strained. Ray was trying his best
*not* to look at Fraser, and Fraser was puzzled by his friend's behaviour.
"Ray?" 

 "What?" 

 "Are you all right? You seem... distracted." 

 "I hate this, Benny, that's all." 

 "What Michael said in there, that didn't... embarrass you?" Ray hadn't
looked embarrassed... pissed off, maybe. And all Fraser had been able to
think of was that the guy was right. He knew for a fact that his strengths
compensated for Ray's weaknesses, and vice-versa. They... fit. That was
all. 

 "No, it didn't embarrass me, Benny. If people thinking... you know...
about us embarrassed me, do you think I'd be seen dead *dancing* with you
and stuff?" 

 "Ray, those people don't know we're only undercover. Michael does, and he
was still under the impression that you and I were... er..." 

 "Lovers, Benny. Come right out and say it, okay?" 

 "Lovers. Yes. This didn't bother you?" 

 "Sure it did, but we have more important things to worry about than what
other people think, don't you agree?" Ray didn't have time for what people
thought. He just wanted it to be *over*. 

 "Yes, Ray." 

 "Good. Then let's just catch these guys and get back to normal." 

 Fraser said nothing to that, but he did agree with catching the people
who had done this. 

 They sat at the bar for another hour, then decided they had better dance
because very few people were sitting down at this point. Just their luck,
a rather slow song came on. Doing *anything* with Fraser no longer
embarrassed Ray; he was totally immune. The Mountie had embarrassed the
hell out of him before, in so many ways that he'd forgotten a lot of them.
But this time, there was something... different. He was... aware... of
Fraser in a way he hadn't been before: where his hands were, where their
bodies were touching... everything. What was worse was that he liked it. 

 Fraser sensed uncommon tension in his friend, but he didn't say anything.
Maybe, he mused, Ray was just uptight over the case. He knew Ray wished it
was over. Fraser did, too, because then he could go back to his job at the
Consulate and spend more time with Dief. And... 

 Fraser's head snapped round when he saw Michael waving at him. "Ray!" 

 They rushed over. Michael mouthed, "It's them," at them. 

 Ray scribbled, "Keep him talking," on a napkin. 

 So the guy, who had no training in this kind of a situation, began to ask
questions. Not just the usual, "Why are you doing this?", but other
questions. "Do you know who it was you killed?" 

 And, "What makes you think we didn't call the cops?" 

 Neither Ray nor Fraser could hear the responses, but the questions seemed
to be working. Mike managed to keep the guy on the line for nearly five
minutes. 

 "What did he say?" Ray demanded after the caller had hung up. 

 "He said... yes, they knew who they'd killed, but all that mattered to
them was they had been in *here*. And he said they knew we wouldn't call
the cops, because the cops hate us too." 

 "They're wrong there," Ray said. "Everybody has rights." 

 Just then Ray's cellphone rang. "Vecchio." 

 Fraser and the bartender waited while Ray listened to the person on the
other end. Finally he closed the phone and looked at them. "Jack says they
traced the call. They're on their way now." 

 "I want to be there," said Fraser. 

 "Sorry, Benny, other side of town." 

 But they did get to conduct the interview. "So, you wanna tell us why you
were making those phone calls?" Ray asked, belligerence in his tone. 

 "None of your business. I just hate their kind. And yours." There had
been two people at the address, and both had been arrested. They were
interviewing the guy whose house it had been. 

 Ray looked at Fraser and Jack in confusion. "What, cops? Well, too bad.
You're going down for this. And we'll see how long you last in prison with
that attitude." 

 The guy just laughed. "No, homosexuals. I saw you. We were there every
night, you know. We saw the two of you." 

 "Have you heard of 'undercover'?" Ray asked. 

 "Yeah, and if you were acting I'm the president!" 

 Ray opened his mouth to argue, but Huey cut him off. "You just said you
were there every night. You admit to watching the bar?" 

 "Sure, we watched it. We saw all those... people... who go there.
Disgusting." 

 "Yeah, yeah," Ray said. "What about the murders?" 

 "John did it." John was the other guy they'd found at the house. The two
were business partners, it seemed. And fellow homophobics, by the looks of
things. 

 Fraser leaned down very close to the guy. "Well, that's a funny thing, Mr
Davis. He says you did it." His tone was perfectly level and rational. It
unnerved Davis terribly. 

 "He's lying! He killed them! I only wanted..." 

 "What?" 

 And then the guy, as if realising what was happening, clammed up. "I
wanna see my lawyer." 

 Ray motioned to the uniformed officer. "Get him outta here!" 

 When he was gone, they three looked at each other. "Something about this
doesn't feel right," said Huey. "I've worked on cases like this before.
Hate... you can feel it. This guy says he hates gay people, but I don't
feel hate in him at all. There's something else going on..." 

 "I agree," said Fraser. "Something's not right here." 

 Elaine came in, then. "Guess what?" 

 "Gimme good news, Elaine," said Ray. 

 "The guy you arrested, Mason Davis? He's a property developer." 

 "Lemme guess," said Ray. "He bid on the bar or the property near it or
something." 

 "Yeah. How did you know?" 

 "More than hate, greed is a factor in most crimes." 

 Elaine opened a file she was holding. "He went bankrupt a couple of years
back; just got back on his feet. Spent his only capital on a building two
blocks down from the bar. I guess he thinks having it so close will be bad
for business." 

 "So he tried to force them out? Makes sense," said Huey. 

 "Do you have a case?" Elaine asked. 

 "Oh, yeah," said Ray. "Motive, opportunity, tapes of the calls,
everything." He looked very happy about it. 

 "What are you going to do now?" Huey asked. 

 "Tell the people at the bar we caught the bad guys, get the hell outta
there and never look back!" He went to the door. "Coming, Fraser?" 

 "Yes." 

 On the way, Ray asked his friend's opinion. "So, Benny, you haven't said
anything. I guess you're satisfied we got the right guys, huh?" 

 "Yes, Ray." He didn't say anything more. This unnerved Ray. 

 "WHAT?!" 

 "Nothing." 

 "Don't gimme that, Benny. Something's on your mind." 

 Fraser relented. "Ray... was it really so bad? Working on this case, I
mean?" 

 Ray sighed. "I dunno, Benny. It made me uncomfortable, being hit on,
seeing you get hit on..." 

 "I didn't much like that either, but it wasn't so bad." 

 "I don't wanna talk about it, okay, Benny?" 

 "All right, Ray." 

 So they told Michael the news. He was extremely grateful. "So I guess the
cops do care, after all." 

 "Ignoring the problems of people just because they're different is
completely illogical," Fraser said. 

 Ray groaned. "Thank you, Mister Spock. Look, it's late. Can we get outta
here now? I haven't slept in my own bed for a week, I have wolf hairs all
over my clothes, and I miss my family." Which was true. Ray even missed
Francesca, irritating though she was. 

 Mike looked at them oddly. "Wolf hairs?" 

 "You don't wanna know," Ray said, grinning. "Trust me." 

 He turned to leave, but Mike held out his hand. "Thank you, Detective." 

 Ray shook it. Perhaps Fraser was right. They were all just people.
"You're welcome." 

 "Thank you..." Mike began, turning to Fraser. He only knew their first
names. 

 "Constable. Fraser," Fraser told him. 

 "Thank you, Constable." 

 "You're welcome. Goodbye." 

 Michael watched them leave. They couldn't be regular police partners;
they didn't work for the same police force. But they moved as if they
were. He shook his head. If he didn't know better, he *would* think... But
they had denied it. 

 Ray was packing his stuff. "Fraser, why did you *thank* the guy when he
said we made a cute couple?" 

 "He was just being nice, Ray. It would have been impolite to say anything
else." 

 "But you gave him the idea that... that..." 

 Fraser came to stand in front of him. "That I wouldn't be averse to the
idea? Ray, I'm sorry if this shocks you, but I wouldn't. I don't think
love of any kind is ever wrong. Love is too precious and too beautiful to
be wrong." 

 Ray threw caution to the winds. He had to know. Trying to figure out
where Fraser stood was next to impossible. So he just decided to *ask*.
"So, what are you saying, Benny? That you love me?" 

 "Well, of course I love you, Ray." 

 "Oh, of course!" Ray said, a lot louder than he meant to. "I suppose you
take it for granted that I love you, too?" 

 Fraser was confused. This conversation had turned in an odd direction for
no reason he could think of. "Ray..." 

 Ray cut him off. "Well, do you take it for granted?" 

 "I never take anything for granted, Ray. Except your friendship." If that
was all he could hope for, then so be it. But having realised how he felt
about Ray had brought feelings to the surface... desires that he hadn't
had in a long time... not since Victoria... 

 "So, you don't think I love you?" Ray was asking. 

 Fraser opened his mouth to speak, but Ray just carried on talking. 

 "Well, I do! I do love you! There! Are you happy now?" 

 Hearing this admission from his friend gave Fraser the impetus he'd
needed... to walk forward and... 

 Ray found himself against the wall suddenly, Fraser's mouth open over
his. He tried to speak, but all that accomplished was to allow Benny
access to his mouth. And then it was so warm, and so right, to feel
Benny's tongue as it explored his mouth, that for a minute he joined in,
kissing Fraser right back with all the passion he could muster, tasting
him... No. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He pushed against Fraser
until the Mountie released him. "No, Benny. No." 

 Fraser looked down at the floor, as if he'd committed an unpardonable
sin. "I'm sorry, Ray. When you said you loved me, I... I'm sorry." He
moved away to sit on the bed. Ray sat down next to him. 

 "I do love you, Benny. But... I need to think about this, okay?" 

 "Why?" 

 "What?" 

 "Why? If I weren't a man, would you still need to think about it?" 

 "I dunno, Benny. Probably not. Maybe, if it was a woman I considered a
friend." 

 Fraser decided to lay all his cards on the table. He'd basically done
that, anyway, with that kiss. "Ray, I want you. But I can wait for you to
work through it if that's what you have to do." 

 Ray now looked into Benny's eyes. "Benny... it isn't that I don't want
you, too. It's just... we've been around gay people all week. I have to
make sure this isn't because of that, okay?" 

 Fraser looked deep into Ray's eyes. "Do you want me, Ray?" 

 "Yeah." Ray stood up, grabbed his bag, and went to the door. "I'll see
you later. And I'll tell you what I've decided." He went out. 

 Fraser looked down at Diefenbaker. "I love him." 

 *Whine* Dief put his head against Fraser, as if to say he understood. 

 "You're a good friend," Fraser said. 

 Ray lay in his own bed, trying to sleep. But sleep was impossible. All he
could seem to think of was how Fraser's mouth had felt on his, how he had
tasted, how... how he had wanted him. It had taken every ounce of strength
he possessed to leave, but he'd done it. And now he was wondering why. Why
hadn't he just given in, let Benny make love to him? 

 But he knew why - he was terrified. Of what, he couldn't be sure. Was it
what people would think? Was it the experience itself? Was it just that
*having* Benny that way would change their relationship forever? He didn't
know. 

 Ray turned over and over in the bed, knowing that his mind was too busy
for sleep - but that wasn't the only reason he was awake. He wasn't in
*Benny's* bed. He couldn't hear him, couldn't smell him, couldn't take
comfort from the fact that he was right there. Without Fraser he felt...
incomplete. He knew that the forced cohabitation had pushed them together,
but he also knew that he wouldn't be wanting Benny the way he did if there
hadn't been something there to begin with. 

 He loved Benny. It was as simple as that, and as complicated as that.
What would his mother say? His sisters? His co-workers? And yet he knew
that he couldn't live for them, only for himself... and Benny. Ray
instinctively knew that Fraser could make him very happy... if he gave
them a chance. But was he courageous enough to do that...? 

 He finally dropped off to sleep, still remembering Fraser's mouth on his
own. 

 Fraser was at the Consulate during his lunch hour the next day when Ray
came bounding up the stairs and into his office. "Benny!" 

 The moment Fraser turned around and saw the look on his friend's face, he
knew it was good news. Everything was going to be all right. "Good
afternoon, Ray." 

 "Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ray closed the door behind him, but before he
could speak, Fraser asked, "Have you made your decision, Ray?" 

 Ray walked over to where he was standing and looked into his face. "Yeah,
Benny. Whatever may happen, the truth is I do love you. And I don't think
I can go through life denying that." 

 "So what are you saying?" Benny asked. 

 Instead of answering him, Ray moved against Fraser so that Fraser was
trapped between him and the desk. "What do you think, Benny?" he asked
before wrapping his arms tightly around his friend and kissing him for all
he was worth, wanting to taste him again, wanting to feel that warmth
again... And he did. When Benny's tongue worked its way into his mouth,
Ray began to feel faint. His heartrate skyrocketed and he held onto Benny
in desperation, kissing him back with as much force as he could muster,
tasting his friend from the inside. 

 But soon it wasn't enough to just hold and kiss Benny, he wanted...
Standing pressed against Fraser, he was sure Benny could feel what he
wanted... and he knew that Benny wanted it just as badly. He tore his
mouth away. "Benny, I want you so bad." He struggled to get his breathing
under control. 

 Fraser swallowed: once, twice, three times, not looking at him. Then he
did look up, and Ray saw his own desire mirrored in Benny's blue eyes.
"Ray... I want you, too. But... this is the Consulate. I have to work." 

 Ray had almost forgotten where they were. He sighed. "Yeah, Benny. I
know. Work." He kissed him again - just a quick kiss - and went to the
door. "But I'll pick you up after work, all right?" 

 "I'll be counting the seconds, Ray." And then Benny smiled - a brilliant,
open smile, the likes of which Ray had never seen. 

 Ray smiled back, knowing that his smile was more of a silly grin,
adjusted his coat to cover his... desire... and went out. 

 The rest of the day went by in a blur for both men. They were both
excited and scared regarding what would happen after work. Fraser was in
an exceptionally good mood the rest of the day; he was even patient with
Turnbull - and Ray hugged Elaine when she found a file for him. Odd
behaviour indeed. 

 "Okay, Ray, who are you in love with?" 

 Ray stopped, totally nonplussed. "What?" 

 "You only ever hug me when you're in love." 

 Right here was his first hurdle. Ray had known he couldn't live for other
people - but he hadn't expected to get quizzed on a relationship that
hadn't even *happened* yet. "Okay, okay, geez. I am in love. But nothing's
happened, so can we hold off on any congratulations until I know for sure
where it's going?" 

 Elaine shook her head. "Poor woman. What if you suddenly decide you don't
want her? Or that it's not going anywhere?" 

 Ray kissed Elaine on the cheek, causing her to consider fainting. Whoever
it was, this was serious. "Patience, Elaine. This one isn't like the
others. This one is for keeps." 

 "You've said that before." 

 "I know." Ray made a big show of looking at his watch. "Oh, look! Time to
knock off! Gee, I wonder what I'll do now?" And he threw the file he'd
been perusing onto his desk with half a dozen others that were already
there, hugged Elaine once more for good measure, and left. 

 Elaine just shook her head. Sometimes she felt like killing Ray, but at
other times she felt like one of his sisters. Which she liked. 

 Fraser had to run the gauntlet too. Inspector Thatcher waylaid him on his
way out. "Constable, can you stay for another hour or two? There are quite
a few visa applications that need processing." 

 For once in his life, Fraser flatly refused. "I'm sorry, Sir, I have
other plans." 

 Meg looked suspicious. "A date?" 

 What would Ray say to that? Although Canada didn't discriminate against
homosexuals, Fraser wondered what Thatcher's reaction would be. She might
get him transferred back to the Yukon or somewhere, for all he knew. Maybe
she was jealous...? So he didn't tell the truth. It was difficult, but he
managed to think of a convincing lie. "Sort of, Sir. Detective Vecchio's
mother invited me for dinner. She'll be very hurt if I don't arrive. I'm
sure you understand." 

 Meg, who wished she had a friend's family to dine with, did. "I do,
Constable. I guess Constable Turnbull will be staying late for a change.
Enjoy your dinner." 

 "Thank you, Sir. Good night." Fraser went out front to wait for Ray. 

 When the Riv pulled up, Fraser managed to restrain himself from rushing
as he got in. Try to remain calm, he thought as he looked at Ray. Ray had
an expression of... longing?... on his face. "Hi, Benny." 

 "Hullo, Ray." Their eyes locked. "I just refused to stay late after
work," Fraser said, as if he couldn't believe he'd done that. 

 "I hugged Elaine," said Ray, and they both laughed, releasing some of the
intense sexual tension that had been present. Finally Ray pulled away from
the curb, the tension gone, but the feelings still there, powerful as
ever. "G-d, Benny, I want you so bad I can taste it. I dunno how I got
through today. All I could do was work and talk to people, to keep my mind
off you." 

 "I rearranged my desk four times," Fraser told him. 

 "Didn't help, did it?" 

 "Not much, no." With those three words, the tension was back. Ray had
made his decision; now he threw himself into it with everything he had. He
was that way, relationship-wise. But then so was Benny, if that incident
with Victoria-the-criminal-femme-fatale was any indication. 

 The ride to Benny's apartment seemed to take forever, but finally they
parked outside. "Benny -- " 

 "Ray -- " 

 They spoke at the same time. And then grinned. Ray said, "Okay, you
first." 

 "I just want to say, if you change your mind... I won't be upset." 

 That statement only made Ray want Fraser even more. The man was so
unselfish he was almost a saint! And here they were planning on doing some
very un-saintly things... "I was gonna say that to you. But I won't change
my mind, Fraser. Do you want to change yours?" he asked. 

 The Mountie said but one word, in a hoarse whisper: "No." 

 That said, Ray got out of the car, as if giving Fraser permission to take
the next step, whatever it might be. 

 Fraser's record for getting up the steps to his apartment was one minute
and thirty-eight seconds. Somehow, they were up the stairs and inside in
about thirty seconds less. And then Ray repeated what he'd done in
Fraser's office earlier: used his body to push Fraser against a
restraining surface - in this case the wall. 

 It was sudden, totally unexpected, and oh so arousing for the Mountie.
When Ray's lips touched his he opened his mouth eagerly, wanting his taste
again, wanting that warmth, wanting it all. And he could feel Ray pressing
up against him, both their needs obvious. 

 Ray knew he had to have Fraser *now*. Not in the time it would take to
undress and get into bed, right this minute. He had no idea what he was
doing, except he had to have it right away. He fumbled until he had undone
Fraser's pants, unhooking the suspenders, pulling his friend's pants and
underwear down... and not all the way down, just down far enough for what
they both wanted. 

 At the same time Fraser had been undoing his belt, pulling the zip down,
and then he yanked downwards, so that Ray's pants were tangled around his
shoes on the floor, his underwear down at his knees. But it didn't matter;
nothing mattered except getting closer in an intimate way. 

 There was no time to consider what to do next; their erections were
touching, sandwiched in between their bodies in a strangely erotic and
warm way. And this first time, this most urgent of times, there was
nothing else, as Ray moved against Fraser, his hands against the wall,
while Fraser wrapped his arms around Ray and thrust against him in answer.
It wasn't ideal, but it was enough. Fraser's hands clenched in Ray's coat
and jacket and he shuddered briefly, a warm wetness spreading between
them. Once, only a week ago, Ray would have been freaked out by that; now,
it only made him move faster, into Benny's warmth, touching Benny... and
then he let go of the wall and hung onto Benny for dear life as his own
orgasm hit. 

 Their muscles suddenly seemed to have forgotten how to work as they slid
to the floor, arms still around each other, legs intertwined, breathing
rapidly as if they had just run for miles. 

 Ray was the first one to get his voice back. "What the hell was that,
Benny?" 

 Fraser replied with the simple truth. "Wonderful, Ray." He managed to get
his hands untangled from the coat and cupped Ray's face in his hands
instead. "Wonderful," he said again, kissing Ray for all he was worth. 

 "Can't argue with that, Benny, I just... this wasn't exactly how I
imagined this. I imagined something romantic, and in the bed. Maybe
involving a certain product one gets at drugstores." 

 Fraser smiled with that open, intense gaze again. "Keep on imagining,
Ray. It's still early." 

 They looked down at themselves. Pants on the floor, underwear not where
it should be... shirts, jackets, coat, still on. That had been the degree
of desperation. Then Fraser began to unbutton Ray's shirt, pushing shirt,
jacket and coat off all at the same time, running his hands over Ray's
front, wanting the feel of him. Ray just closed his eyes and enjoyed the
feel of Fraser's hands as they touched him - slightly warm, soft and
eager. And he wanted to reciprocate... 

 But Ray had *no* idea how to get Fraser's tunic off. He just looked at it
in confusion. "Er... Benny..." 

 Fraser smiled. Ray was getting to like that smile. "I'll do it, Ray." He
began to unbutton his tunic, then slipped it off. His undershirt was still
on, of course, and this Ray *did* know how to remove... which he did, as
slowly as possible, his hands touching wonderfully silky skin as he did
so. 

 The shirt was barely off when Fraser spoke. "You know, we're still
sitting inside the doorway." 

 Ray grinned. He had a lovely grin when he was genuinely happy, and Fraser
had to restrain himself from kissing him senseless again. He knew they'd
never get off the floor if he did that! 

 So they got up, shrugged off their pants and underwear, and... just stood
there. Looking at each other. "Benny, you are beautiful," Ray said. 

 Fraser just smiled shyly. "So are you, Ray." 

 Normally Ray would have argued, but he knew Benny meant it. "Thank you,
Benny." He took that one small step forward and kissed him, enjoying the
feel of *all* their skin being pressed together this time. How could he
ever have denied the way he felt - the way he knew he'd felt for a long
time? This was so right - him and Benny together, making love. It was
meant to be this way. He looked deep into those blue eyes. "Benny, I want
to make love to you again. And again." 

 "I feel the same. I want you to touch me, Ray. I want to touch you, I
always did." He moved towards the bed and lay down, opening his arms. 

 It was all Ray could do not to moan from sheer happiness at seeing Benny
that way, waiting for him, wanting *him*. He lay down, wrapped in Fraser's
arms, totally content. Then he looked back into those eyes. "What do you
want, Benny? Tell me." 

 "I want to feel you touch me..." 

 And so Ray did. He ran his hands down Fraser's neck, following them with
his lips, kissing him along the path his hands had taken. His hands and
lips went lower, across two delicious collarbones, onto an almost edible
chest, down across a fluttering stomach, tasting the remnants of their
previous encounter... Ray stopped. "Benny? You want me to touch you...
that way?" 

 Fraser could only nod, wanting it more than anything. 

 Ray let his hands touch that most intimate part of Fraser, feeling the
shudders his friend made as he did so, finally replacing his hands with
his mouth when he thought that Fraser wasn't going to last much longer...
He was right. As Benny threw his head back, saying his name in a strangled
whisper, Ray tasted the most intimate part of him, and was glad. 

 He crawled up to lie beside Benny again, just holding him. Fraser didn't
say anything, he just lay there staring at the ceiling. Ray began to get
worried. "Benny?" 

 Fraser seemed to come out of it. "Ray... I can't believe... I know this
is real, but... Was that really the two of us?" 

 "Yeah, Benny." And Ray kissed him to prove it. 

 Benny pulled away after a few seconds, concentrating on what he was
tasting. "That's... me, isn't it?" 

 "Yeah, Benny. You." 

 "You..." Fraser could not say it. Intellectually he knew it, but no one
had ever done that for him before. Ray just smiled. "I won't get
indigestion or anything, Benny. Don't worry." 

 Fraser smiled at that. "I want to taste you, too, Ray." He leaned over,
following the same route Ray had taken along his body, going inexorably
lower until he reached his destination and tasted Ray the way he wanted
to. 

 Ray clenched his hands in the sheet as Benny's mouth did to him what his
had just done to Benny. He could hardly believe it either, that they were
here like this, doing this... He approached the edge so rapidly there was
no more time for thought, and he struggled not to scream as the wave
washed over him, leaving him feeling boneless and sated. 

 Now he knew why Fraser had just stared at the ceiling like that; the
whole thing was just too overwhelming to take in right away. Then Fraser's
lips touched his, and Ray managed to get his arms around his friend's neck
and hold him there as he, in turn, tasted himself in Benny's mouth. Then,
oddly enough, Fraser started to laugh. 

 "Benny?" Ray was a little alarmed as he looked up into Benny's smiling
eyes. 

 "You promised, Ray. No indigestion." 

 "But what's so funny?" 

 "I just... imagine going to a drugstore and trying to get something for
this particular indigestion..." 

 Ray could just imagine it, and he started to laugh as well. "I'm so
tired, Benny. I feel like someone took all my bones out." 

 "I'm also tired, Ray. It's been a long day, and a tiring night." He
laughed again. 

 "Yeah, it has. Kiss me, you fool, and then we can go to sleep." 

 Fraser kissed him, lying next to him, cuddled against his side. 

 They were asleep in minutes. 

 Michael, their friendly neighbourhood (it *wasn't* their neighbourhood,
but...) bartender, was surprised to see them back in there the next night.
He'd thought that Detective Vecchio, especially, wouldn't come back, ever.


 "Is there a problem, Detective?" 

 "Nah. We just wanted to say... thanks." 

 Mike looked confused. "'Thanks'?" 

 "You were right about us, only we didn't know it. We do now." 

 "Oh!" He looked from Fraser to Ray and back. "This wasn't because of what
I said, was it?" 

 "No," Fraser replied. "We... we loved each other for a long time, we just
hadn't admitted it to ourselves." 

 Mike nodded. He'd heard that once or twice before. Not often, but once or
twice. "Are you happy?" 

 Ray grinned. "Yeah." 

 "Have you told anyone?" 

 They exchanged an uncertain look. Finally Ray spoke. "Not yet." 

 "This isn't clear sailing, you know, Detective." Somehow he felt he just
had to point that out. 

 "I know," said Ray. "I think we've seen that. I know there might be
unpleasant consequences. But we'll deal with them. If Benny is with me I
think I can deal with anything." 

 "I know why you came here," Mike said out of the blue. 

 "Why?" 

 "Because you just had to tell *someone*." He smiled. He did get that one
a lot. "Someone who would be happy for you, who wouldn't ask awkward
questions." 

 "Whoops, caught," Ray said to Fraser. Fraser just smiled his deep, happy
smile again. Then Ray continued, "Maybe you don't deserve all the credit,
but the word catalyst comes to mind." 

 Michael nodded. "Yeah. So, will I see you guys again?" His tone was more
of a friendly one now than the formal one he'd used after finding out they
were cops. 

 "We'll come by and say hi once in a while," Ray conceded, knowing Fraser
would come by without him if he didn't agree, and now he had a healthy
possessiveness that wanted to make sure nobody hit on Benny, man or woman.
But he knew that Fraser always kept up with his friends, no matter who
they were. It was just his nature. "But this isn't really my kinda place.
Or Benny's." 

 "That's true, Mike," said Fraser. "But next time we'll bring
Diefenbaker." 

 "Who's Diefenbaker?" 

 "My wolf." 

 "Ah!" The light dawned. "You keep a wolf in Chicago?" 

 "He's deaf and he likes sweet things. And most people think he's a dog,
anyway," supplied Ray. 

 "Sweet things. I'll remember." 

 "Please don't," said Fraser, looking annoyed. "He's getting soft from
living here. I don't need people encouraging him." 

 "Okay." 

 "Well, gotta go now," said Ray. He still didn't like this place. 

 They said their goodbyes and went out onto the sidewalk, getting into the
Riv. "Happy now, Benny?" Ray asked. 

 "Yes, Ray," said his friend. 

 And Ray knew he meant it. 

 THE END 

 

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