Ben & Phil Ch 12	 

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held
by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Drama/Romance Rated R (m/f, some swearing) 

An Answered Dream 

By SL Haas 

(Copyright December 1996, revised June 1999)  

"A dream is an answer to a question we haven't learned how to ask."  

Fox Mulder--The X-Files 

     

October 1984 

As September drifted into October, Phil McKenzie alternated between the
extremes of happiness and deep depression. When she was with Benton
Fraser, she was complete and happiness radiated from her. When he was
gone, gloom draped itself around her and pulled her down. Lately the
depression had carried her more than the happiness. Each day that passed
was one less day to be with him. How would she manage when he left for
good? 

Ben experienced similar ebbs and flows to his emotions. When he was with
Phil, he felt complete, at peace with the world--in short, happy. But
apart from her he felt alone. The loneliness gripped his heart and
tortured his mind. He loved Phil. He loved her as he had never loved
another person. After much soul-searching and a frank evaluation of his
feelings, he could see only one solution to this dilemma: marriage. 

But what did he have to offer her? He had been a Mountie for a little over
three years: no seniority, no established position. He had no home of his
own except, possibly, his father's cabin. His job would probably keep him
apart from his wife a significant part of the year. The life of his father
was like that. Could he ask Phil to share that kind of life? Here she had
a home, a prestigious job, friends. Could he ask her to give up all of
that? For what? 

Still, the thought of never seeing her again set his body to shaking. A
future without Phil was too bleak to consider. She was truly the soul mate
Cat had told him he would eventually find--the one who could love him more
than she could 'Cat, why didn't you tell me it would hurt this much?' 

And the effect his imminent departure was having on Phil--he could see her
heart breaking each time he held her in his arms. He was helpless to
prevent it and it hurt him to see it. He didn't realize the pain he felt
was his own heart breaking. * * * 

The days sped by. Tomorrow, he would leave for Canada. Phil had distanced
herself from him again. He could see the pain she felt when they were
together. He couldn't blame her for shutting him out. But, he was leaving
tomorrow. 

He said his farewells at the party the Rocky Mountain Rescue group had
thrown for him. He was touched by the small gifts his friends had given
him and by Darryl's declaration to the effect that if he ever got tired of
Canada, he had a job with RMR. 

Ben placed the last of his clothes in his duffel bag. He reached for the
book of short stories Phil had given him. He opened it to the inscription:
  

To my "T", 

We shared many of the stories and poems found between these covers. We
shared our lives for a brief time. We shared our love with each other.
When you have occasion to read this book, know that you hold my heart
always. Maybe in some other life our love prospered. Maybe it will again. 

I leave you with an ancient prayer: "May God stand between you and all
harm, in all the empty places you must walk!" 

I love you, Phil  

He closed his eyes and lovingly caressed the cover of the book. His mind's
eye replaced his fingers with Phil's. It fell open to a poem and he
noticed Phil's handwriting in the margin.  

Ben, this was my favorite poem. When I first read it I thought of you. As
you read it in the future, think of me. Phil  

Ben smiled. He obediently thought of Phil as he read the opening stanza of
the poem.  

"When you were a tadpole and I was a fish 

In the Paleozoic time, 

And side by side on the ebbing tide 

We sprawled through the ooze and slime. 

Or skittered with many a caudal flip 

Through the depths of the Cambrian fen, 

My heart was rife with the joy of life 

For I loved you even then." 

(Evolution--Langdon Smith)  

He closed the book. He could read no more of the poem. His eyes burned
with unshed tears. He remembered well the night by the fireplace; Phil
curled protectively in his arms, when they had read that particular poem.
How could he not think of her whenever he read it? 

He placed the book on top of his clothes and closed the bag. Hoisting his
pack and the bag, he left the room that had been his home for six months.
One last look and he closed the door. He had one more task to accomplish
before he left tomorrow. He felt his pocket. Good, it was still there.
Throwing his bags into the taxi, he gave directions to Phil's house. She
wouldn't be home yet, but he could wait. He had waited all summer. A
couple of hours more was nothing. Life in the Territories had made him a
patient man. 

Phil simply existed day-to-day. She had ceased to live when she said
good-bye to Ben at the party and asked him not to see her after that. She
couldn't be with him more than a few minutes before panic set in. She
refused to let him see how badly his imminent departure was affecting her.
She would not cry in front of him again. She did have some vestiges of
pride left. Fat lot of good it was doing her! 

The last two days with no Ben had been the darkest of her life. Nothing
compared with her feelings of loss and helplessness. Not even the hatred
of her father had hurt her this much. She drove home in a fog of despair.
She decided to play her piano until her hands would no longer move, numb
her mind, and pray for sleep. Maybe she could get back to some semblance
of normal after tomorrow. Maybe after Ben climbed aboard that plane and
was really, finally, physically gone she could patch together the pieces
of her life and begin again. The pieces of her heart would go with Ben. 

She pulled into her driveway and entered the house. Standing in the
entrance she could see Ben and TJ rolling on the floor. She saw Rob and
Ben arm wrestling. She saw Ben sitting with her at the piano or stretched
out on the floor in front of the fireplace. She saw him everywhere--even
out on the deck with his back turned to her as he gazed down toward the
river. Only this image didn't dissolve--didn't disappear. She opened the
patio door and watched Ben turn to her. Tears dimmed her vision and fogged
her glasses. She discarded them on the way outside. 

Ben's eyes swept over Phil noting her state of mind. He held his arms out
to her and was rewarded when she slid into them. She clung to him and
buried her face in his shirt, listening to his heartbeat. 

"I couldn't leave you, Phil, not the way things are between us. We still
have some things to work out." 

"What's to work out, T? We both knew this day would come and now it's
here. Tomorrow you go home to Canada and I stay here." He could feel the
sobs she fought to suppress. 

"It doesn't have to be that way, Phil." 

"What do you mean? You have your duty and your job to return to. I have my
job here. How could it be any other way?" 

"You could marry me." 

She stiffened in disbelief. She could do what? Surely she hadn't heard him
right. Phil raised her head to search his face. There was tenderness and
love and desire glowing in the depths of his glacier blue eyes.
"What...what? I...I..." 

"You heard me right, Phil. I've thought about this long and hard and it's
the only solution I can see--the only solution that keeps me from dying
inside. I love you and the thought of not having you is tearing me apart.
I want you to be a part of my life forever. I don't ever want to be
without you..." He couldn't continue--not because he didn't want to but
because Phil had him in a liplock that erased all his well-rehearsed
words. His hands molded her body to his and he felt his denied yearnings
blossom. Pulling apart from her, he stepped back to the deck rail and
leaned against it. Phil stood where she was and made no move to follow. 

"Does that kiss mean yes, or are you just teasing me? Phil..." He removed
something from his pocket and dropped to one knee. "Philippe Henry
Sheridan McKenzie, will you marry me?" 

Phil stared at Ben, down on one knee, asking to marry her. Where was the
despair and heartache she had had a moment ago? What was this warmth, this
tingling, this soaring peace that enveloped her? She took a step forward
and dropped to her knees in front of Ben. She framed his beautifully
sculptured face with her hands and gently kissed him. "Yes, T, I'll marry
you." She breathed across his lips, "What took you so long?" 

His arms slid around her and he held her body pressed against him as if he
wanted to fuse it with his own. "I don't have anything to offer you. I've
got very little money, no house, not even a stable position. All I can
offer you is my life and my love." 

"T, if I have those--I don't need anything else." She kissed him as
fervently as he kissed her. There was no holding back.	

Slowly he disentangled his arms from around Phil. He grasped her hand and
slid the ring from his pocket onto her finger. It was a plain gold wedding
band. "This was my mother's ring. Dad gave it to me when I turned 18. He
told me to give it to the woman I married. I'm giving it to you."  

Phil's hand was small but the ring fit perfectly. She couldn't speak
around the lump in her throat. She shook her head and closed her eyes.	

"If you don't like it I can get you a different ring." The anxiety in his
voice caused Phil to lift her face to his and claim another kiss. 

"No, Ben, it's beautiful--it's perfect. I know how much it must mean to
you and knowing that you are sharing it with me...I can't even begin to
describe how that makes me feel. I shall always cherish it. But, I can't
wear it until we're married." 

"I know." He dug in his pocket again. He took the ring from her finger and
placed it on a gold chain then hung it around her neck. "I have worn this
chain and ring for several years. I'd be honored if you would continue to
wear it for me." 

Phil held the ring in her hand. She closed her fist over it. "I will never
take it off, T--until you place it on my finger permanently."  

Ben's hands cupped hers holding the ring. A tear slid down Phil's cheek
and fell onto his hand. "Phil, there's no need to cry!" He put his arms
around her and held her close. 

"I know, T. I'm just so happy that it scares me! I don't want anything to
destroy the happiness I have right now." Ben smiled and continued to hold
her. 

Phil finally broke away from Ben. "My knees! I'll have bruises for weeks!'
They laughed and climbed to their feet. "I've got to call Rob and TJ." 

She paused and an anxious expression clouded her face. "Are you sure about
this, T?" She turned away from him shaking her head. "I must be dreaming.
This isn't real. I'm going to turn around and he'll be gone. You're losing
it, Phil! You're finally losing your mind." She moved to the patio door
and leaned her forehead against the glass. 

Ben couldn't believe his ears. Phil was actually talking herself out of
accepting the situation as it was. She thought she was hallucinating--his
proposal was a figment of her imagination. She wouldn't believe him. After
all this time, she still refused to trust him--to believe him. He had held
his anger in check as she had struggled with her emotions, but this was
the last straw. He strode over to her, swung her around, and shook
her--shook her hard.  

"Phil, I have had enough of your doubts. You have doubted everything--me,
you, my feelings, your feelings, my love, your love. How do you think I
felt each time you doubted my feelings or me. I love you. Don't you ever
doubt that again. I've asked you to marry me--to share my life and you
still doubt me? What more can I do? What more do you want?" He was
furious. 

Phil was speechless. She wasn't dreaming the hands shaking her or the
harsh words directed at her. If this wasn't a dream, then it had to be
real. She listened to his diatribe, guilt washing over her as she realized
just how selfish she had been. What more could he do? What more did she
want? 

"T, please stop shaking me before I barf on you!" 

Ben was completely thrown off guard by this declaration. "Barf? What the
hell does that mean?" 

"It means if you don't stop shaking me, I will forcibly empty the contents
of my stomach all over you." The shaking stopped. She sagged against him.
"I'm sorry, Ben." She looked into his eyes--icy blue with anger. "What
more can you do? Hold me and forgive me. What more do I want? Your
patience and understanding. Believe it or not--you've stumbled on my
biggest flaw: self-doubt. I'm surprised TJ or Rob didn't warn you." 

"Does this have to do with your father?" A startled glance to his face was
slowly followed by a nod of her head. Ben's voice gentled, "Understood. TJ
filled me in." 

"I know it's stupid, but I still doubt myself. I've always found it hard
to believe that you wanted me over all the other women you know. I'm
nothing special, Ben." She saw the denial in his eyes and placed a finger
over his lips to silence his words. "T, I'm realistic enough to know that
I'm not pretty and that I have a caustic personality. It's been so hard
for me to believe that you were really interested in me. I've been so
unsure of myself all along. I still can't believe this is really
happening." She trailed her fingers down his cheek, "Are you real, Ben?" 

"As real as the cold of an arctic winter--as real as the sun shining down
each day--as real as the blue of an Alberta sky--as real as my love for
you. Please, Phil, don't ever doubt that love." 

"Only if you're there for me when I need you--and..." there was a twinkle
in her eye, "...I have a feeling I'm going to need you a lot!" 

He laughed and pulled her to him. His arms encircled her waist and began
their circular motions on her back. He nuzzled her neck and whispered
against her skin, "Phil, you are beautiful." He raised his face to hers
and cupped her face in his hands, "Your face glows with a warmth that
shines from those dark, brown eyes...I could lose myself in them and never
know it." He kissed her lightly on her eyelids. "You have a smile that
twists my insides into a knot. Every time I see your smile I..." He
groaned and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "You have a keen mind, a
sharp wit, and a warped sense of humor, and you're not afraid to used any
of it." He smiled at her. "I find it hard to believe that you love me."  

Phil smiled back and pulled his face down to hers. They kissed long and
deep, their tongues moving in an ancient dance. Neither wanted to stop but
there were calls to make. 

The first call was made to Canada. Ben was in luck; his father was at the
post when he called. "Dad, how are you?" 

"I'm fine, Son. Why are you calling? Aren't you supposed to be back on
duty by now?"  

"I'm returning tomorrow, Sir. I'll be at my new post on Monday." 

"Where are you being posted?" 

"I'm going to Kamloops before being posted to a more remote station." 

"That's a fine place--a little too citified for me, but you'll like it
there. Now what did you call about, Son? These phone calls can be
expensive." 

"Dad, I wanted to introduce you to someone who's become very special to
me." 

"Introduce me to someone? What's going on down there in the States?" 

"I've fallen in love, Dad, and I wanted you to meet Phil: Dr. Philippe
McKenzie." 

"PHILLIP! My god, Benton, don't tell me you've fallen in love with a man.
If that's what you're trying to tell me, you might as well hang up the
phone right now. I'll have none of this..."  

"Dad, Dad, calm down...Phil is most definitely not a man..." 

"Not a man?" 

"No, Sir." 

"But...the name?" 

"I know, Sir. The name fooled me the first time, too. It's a long story.
Suffice it to say her father was an American Civil War historian. All his
children were named after Civil War generals." 

"But...Phillip? For a girl?" 

"Philippe Henry Sheridan McKenzie to be exact. The only concession he made
was in the spelling." 

"Oh dear!" 

"My sentiments exactly. Dad, I've given her Mom's ring." 

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "You're serious, then,
about this woman?" 

"I've never been more serious or sure of anything in my life." 

Bob Fraser paused once more, "Then introduce me." Bob waited a moment
while Ben turned the phone over to Phil. 

"Hello, Sergeant Fraser? I'm pleased to finally get to talk to you. Ben
has told me so much about you." Bob heard the hesitancy in her voice, the
slight tremor...he smiled. The gentle tones reminded him of his Caroline. 

"That's quite a bit more than he's told me about you. Well, Philippe..."
He paused, "You've bagged quite a catch there. Can you handle him?" Her
throaty laughter pleased him. 

"Please, Sergeant Fraser, call me Phil..." 

"Only if you call me, Bob." 

"Bob it is--and yes, I think I can handle this 'puppy' here. I love him
and I want you to know that I'll do my damnedest to make him happy." 

"Damnedest?" 

"I'm sorry, Sergea...Bob. My brothers have tried to break me of swearing
but sometimes the words just slip out." 

"I imagine you've let slip quite a few since meeting my son." 

"Well, I have to admit to a higher than average usage of them since he
showed up."  

"Good girl! Sometimes a direct word is what it takes to get through to
him. So...he's let down his reserve with you. It's about time. He's always
been so standoffish--not open and outgoing like Rebecca. He hasn't let
himself love anyone since Cathy Madden. Has he told you about her?" 

"Yes, he has. I can hardly wait to meet her. She sounds like a wonderful
person." 

"Oh, she is and I'm sure she'll love you as much as my son seems to. I
look forward to meeting you. When will you be coming up?" 

"I don't know. We haven't discussed specifics yet." 

"Don't let him drag his feet. Now, Phil, promise me one thing..." 

"Just name it, Sir. If I can, I will." 

"Love him and make him happy like my Caroline did with me." 

"That's a promise I can make!" 

"Good, now let me talk to my son again." Phil returned the phone to Ben
and listened as he made his farewells. 

The other calls were placed. Rob and TJ grilled Ben a little before giving
their heartfelt approval. Becka and Phil shared some memories of Ben with
each other. By the time they were finished Ben was blushing a bright red. 

"I can hardly wait to meet your family, T. I think I love them already.
Are you going to call Cat and tell her?"  

Ben shook his head then gave her a quick kiss. "I'm going to stop by her
posting and tell her in person. That's the only way she'll believe me." 

Phil laughed and gave him a quick hug. "How about some dinner?" 

"Now that you mention it, I am hungry." The look he gave her let her know
his hunger was for something other than food. 

Pretending to ignore the message in his eyes, Phil said, "Great, I've got
the fixing’s for spaghetti. Care to lend a hand?" 

They worked well together in the kitchen. Each anticipating the others
needs. Things were going well until after they had eaten and were clearing
the dishes away. Ben loaded the dishwasher as Phil packaged the leftovers
and stored them. As she carried the spaghetti sauce to the refrigerator
Ben turned and bumped into Phil. She slipped and the sauce went flying.
Phil found herself sitting in the middle of the floor with gooey stringers
of 'tomato sauce with a careful blending of herbs and spices' running down
her hair, a startled look on her face. 

"I'm sorry, Phil. Are you all right? Let me help you up!" 

"I'm okay, T, just a bona fide mess." She carefully wiped a glob from her
face and felt sauce running down her hair and plopping on her shoulders.
The front of her blouse and slacks were a soggy red mess. She watched as
more of the red sauce ran down her arm and dripped on the floor. Ben
leaned against the cabinets and held his sides trying desperately not to
laugh. 

"I'm sorry, Phil, you look so...that is..." His voice trailed off as the
laugh he tried to contain won free. He saw the murderous look on her face
and tried to quit. In a strangled voice he said, "I'm sorry, Phil, I can't
seem to stop," and he laughed again. 

"All right, you can finish in here as well as clean up this mess while I
shower and wash my hair!" Ben helped her to her feet and watched as she
stalked out of the kitchen and downstairs to her bedroom. 

Phil held her shirt out away from her body. Rather than get clean clothes
now she would wait and dispose of these dirty ones first. That way she
wouldn't get sauce all over her clean things.  

She headed to her bathroom. Flipping on the radio, she complained to the
empty room, "Just great--this is just great! Time I could be spending with
Ben I'm spending washing spaghetti sauce out of my hair. How could I have
been so clumsy?" She slipped out of her clothes and tossed them in the
sink. They would have to soak. She stepped into the shower and turned the
water on. She stood under the showerhead and let the water flow over her
face and head, then reached for the shampoo and lathered her hair. 

Ben quickly mopped the red mess from the floor. He straightened and moved
to the stairwell. Gliding down it, he entered Phil's bedroom. He could
hear the shower running and the radio playing. It was time to finish the
task he had set for himself. He took a deep breath to steady himself and
quickly shed his clothes. Naked, he entered the bathroom and approached
the shower stall. He could see Phil's indistinct form, back to him,
standing under the stream of water. The music from the radio masked the
sound of the stall door opening and closing. 

Phil loved the feel of the hot water cascading over her skin. She closed
her eyes and ran her hands first through her hair smoothing it back out of
her face, then down her neck to her shoulders. She felt the chain with the
ring and followed it down to her breasts then on to her hips. She turned
to let the water beat on her back and reached for the soap. Her hand
encountered and slid over a bare wet chest. Her eyes flew open to behold
Ben--her eyes roved downward—a very naked Ben in her shower. Before the
shock could wear off, Ben took her in his arms and drew her body to
his—bare skin to bare skin. The feel of the silky skin of his chest
against her breasts sent waves of scorching heat through her mind and
body. A tingling feeling begin to coil in her belly.  

Her arms went around his neck and she pulled his face down and captured
his lips. She felt his tongue stroke her lips before delving into her
mouth in search of her tongue. The kiss would have continued longer, but
both participants needed air. 

Ben ran his hands down her water-slickened back and kissed it then moved
to the other. Phil's hands moved to thread her fingers in his hair. Ben
retraced his path to her mouth with kisses. 

"Ben..." He cupped her face and stared into brown eyes darkened to almost
black and smiled. This was the woman he loved and knew that she wanted him
as much as he wanted her. Only this time, nothing would come between them.
He smiled at her and reached for the soap. * * * 

Much later Ben lay in Phil's bed holding her close to his heart. Together
they had shared the burning flames of passion, had soared to new heights
of ecstasy, and had found the other half of their souls. Now they lay
entwined sharing the afterglow of love. 

Ben kissed Phil's forehead. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Tell you what, T?" Phil sleepily replied. 

"That you were a... you know, a..." 

"... virgin?" she supplied. 

"Yes. Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I did--several times." 

He raised up on one elbow. "When? I don't remember discussing this." 

"I told you that I could never give myself to anyone just because I wanted
him. I needed more. T, you're the first man who ever took the time to get
to know me--who even wanted to know me. Every time I pushed you away, you
came back. Why did you do that? No," she placed a finger to his lips, "I
know the answer to that." He kissed her finger and smiled at her. "Ben,
you are everything I ever wanted in a man. I won't go into the
details--your head is big enough as it is!" He grinned at that and kissed
the palm of her hand. "You have turned my life upside down and I can never
be satisfied with my life the way it was before you came along. It's hard
to describe how I feel..." 

"It's like a part of you was missing and now you've found it. You are
finally whole--complete--and you can never go back to being that partial
person you were before," Ben finished for her. 

"Exactly. Without you I'm a partial person. I exist but I don't really
live. I have waited my whole life for you, T. You brought me to life.
You're the man I love and will marry. I have given you my heart. It's only
natural that I should give you that one part of myself that can only be
given once. I know it sounds trite, Ben, but I was saving myself for you."


Ben leaned down and gently kissed her lips. He looked into her eyes,
shining with love for him and knew that he was finally done with
loneliness. "Phil, I don't want to leave you--now more than ever." 

"I don't want you to go either, T." She slid her arms around his body and
held him close. "But you have to go back. You're Constable Benton Fraser,
RCMP. I will not ask you to give up such an important part of your life." 

"What about you? I can't ask you to give up your life here! Your home,
your friends, your job..." 

"T, my home will be where you are; your friends will be my friends; and my
job..." She took a deep breath, "I do have a commitment to honor. But, all
you have to do is send for me and I will finish out my commitment and then
I'll join you. Surely someone in Canada can use the services of a
geologist." 

"I promise you, Phil, as soon as my position stabilizes, I send for you." 

"I can live with that. Now, however, I suggest we make some more
memories." 

Ben groaned. "I'm marrying a woman with an insatiable appetite!" 

Phil laughed at him. "When it comes to a certain Mountie, he can 'mount'
me anytime!" Phil's laughter was cut off by Ben's lips descending on hers.
The memories they made that night would haunt them for the rest of their
lives. 

  

To be continued (?) 

Copyright January 1997 by SL Haas 

Revised June 1999 

Comments are welcome at durango@ionet.net 

Fraser’s Secret   On a Collision Course Nocturnal Duet Jumping to
Conclusions "In the Kiss of One Girl" Real Conversations Icnites,
Montmorillonite, and Bentonite, Oh My! An Acquired Taste "…a Dish Best
Served Cold" Like Thunder When It Rains Steppingstones The First
Consciousness An Answered Dream Since We Parted The Fine Line That
Separates Moments of Regret Benton's Secret